Tag: Self-Help

A TIME TO REFLECT AND GIVE THANKS

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Today is one of the days of the year that presents more of a challenge than most. On the same day both the state fair, an event I look forward to all year comes to a close. In addition, my vacation from my day job is now over and summer which I so enjoy seems to be winding down. Every year this happens. I know it is coming and I try to find ways to make them not hit me all at once. One of the ways I have done this is to reflect on all the great memories I created at the fair this year. This year the lovely lady in my life threw me a surprise birthday party at the fair. A lot of my good friends and family were there. We had a blast. I saw a classic country artist with my sister, and a popular funk band with my beautiful lady and amazing friend. There were great new foods we tried and some fun things we have picked up.

Still, it is over now. I am full of memories, but soon it will be back to work. Soon the leaves will change, snow will fall and winter will be here. This is always a great challenge to my ability to remain positive and I am grateful for that. I am also grateful to the love of my life. Finding out quirky things about the ones we love is one of the more unique aspects of being in a relationship. If you have read my blog for any amount of time you are probably well aware there is lots of quirkiness to be had in this gentleman. My addiction and focus on attending a summer festival for 11 days straight is certainly one of them. We lost some time together and at times my focus was on watching a bird show and what new foods to try more than on ways to be romantic and loving.

So now that it is over how does this wonderful woman respond? A sigh of relief? A feel screams of “Amen!”? Those would certainly be understandable. Even “I am glad to have my man back” would make sense. She did none of those. The picture above is of a card she gave me when I came in to work late at a business we do together. She let me stay late because she knew it was the last day of the fair and wanted me to enjoy myself. So instead of being happy for all that will be better for her now that my fair addiction is over she gave me a get well card. I won’t share all of the details and heartfelt things she wrote inside. Briefly she let me know how much she understood how challenging this time period may be and how much she was there to love and support me through it. Trust me there was a lot more, but that is the general idea.

Here is what my lovely lady taught me in all of this. In times when things seem so overwhelmingly bad, when it seems like every little thing is going in the wrong direction that is the greatest chance to stand up and be loving. We, and by we I am including myself, can be guilty of the urge to run the other direction when our partners are in a funk or bad mood. My love reminds me that can be one of the greatest opportunities to show you care. In addition, for me it was one of the greatest moments I could feel loved and notice what an amazing life partner I had. So I just am going to take the next few days to reflect and be grateful. Of course pass along what comes to me here.

CEMENT BEAR

 

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Note this very scary picture above. Are you puzzled as to what is so frightening about an ordinary drinking fountain? On the surface, in the light nothing. When you can walk up, push the button and get water not even a child would have fear of such an object. Normally such things do not scare me as well.  Aside from clowns, which I am not to crazy about, I generally do not fear much. Let me share a story with you where that wasn’t the case.

One day I was camping and while setting up my tent the park ranger came by to warn of some serious problems with black bears in the area. Now let me begin by saying bears are one of my favorite animals and even my nickname. So nothing that I would normally fear. The ranger, however, was telling us that the bears had been unusually aggressive that year especially when people had food or smelled like food. I took note and made sure I had plenty of firewood to keep that going all night as well. No sooner did I get my tent set up then the rain came in. So hard I ended up sleeping in my car and not said tent anyway. It rained through most of the afternoon as well as the evening. I had fallen asleep to the sound of rain on the roof of the car which is rather soothing. I woke up somewhere around midnight with a strong urge to return all of the water I had consumed to prepare for the hike that never occurred. the good news is that is was not raining anymore, the bad news was because this was some place remote and it was late at night, there was nothing open and the only bathrooms available were the not so clean camp bathrooms that were a short distance up a walking path that was not well lit at all. When nature calls, however, we must answer. So I grabbed my flashlight and half awake I began to walk. Upon cresting the hill I froze. There, at the top of the hill right in front of me I could see the silhouette of a black bear! I could see his muzzle, his ear sticking up. I recalled how I must smell like the campfire I had cooked over. I waited nervously and waited for the bear to make its’ move. I waited for what seemed like an eternity. No such move came. Finally I slowly had the courage to raise my flashlight. What I saw was amazing. The muzzle slowly turned into a bowl with a button on the side. That ear sticking up? The very top of….yes, you guessed it, a drinking fountain. Oh come on, look at the picture can’t you see it?

Even if you think I am nuts, which on occasion I may be the first to agree with, what is the purpose of our story here today? Other than camping with Neil can be a comical affair. This is the point. After hearing the ranger’s words of warning I had been on the lookout for bears. Every sound became a bear waiting to pounce. Even a drinking fountain almost caused me to not quite make it to the rest room. which I did, but it is really hard to walk and laugh out loud at yourself while you really have to go to the bathroom. Here is my point. At sometime in our life I think all of us had a cement bear. If we go into situations with a fear, or worse yet, some sort of prejudice, quite often we will trap ourselves into two different outcomes. One, it will be a dooming self-fulfilling prophecy or two, we may see things not as they exactly are. When you find yourself looking a bad situation in the eye, ask yourself is this really something to fear or hate or is it simply a cement bear? If you are not sure, shine your flashlight on the situation. learn as much as you can and quite often you may discover it is no scarier than a drinking fountain. Every time I see one of these now I laugh and recall how I let my fears and expectations turn something so harmless into one of north Americas largest predators. Do yourself a favor, be on the lookout for cement bears.

TRADITION VERSES GROWTH

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Tradition, i am a big fan. It ties us to people and things we love. It helps us honor the past and keep in our cultures alive. They give us something to look forward to. I have my own traditions that were both handed down to me and that I have started. Funny thing about traditions, sometimes they just seem to start themselves. My state fair going had me thinking of this. One year back in 1996 I decided that since the state  fair is something that makes me happy I will just go every day it is going on. I had not realized this would carry on for almost a decade now, but it has.

Here is the next question. What happens when tradition suddenly stands in the way of growth? I have been fortunate that through change in jobs, change in life companions and change in living conditions have all still allowed me to continue one of my favorite traditions. Still with all of the life changes I have went through there have been some traditions that have been lost. I know my life is poised to be better than it has ever been. Still there are things that I enjoyed that are no longer possible to do. For example, I used to work in a small community where they had this great little coffee shop I would go to on lunch. You get into these little routines and you really look forward to them. They had some gatherings I would always attend. Since switching to a different office due to downsizing I am unable to go to them. Also I met the fabulous lady in the picture above. Funny thing about other people, they come with their own traditions too. Now sometimes they don’t always work together either. So you are faced with both doing your separate traditions, which would limit your growth and experience together or forging new traditions and learning each others. Here is where the work is. It takes love, understanding and patience to make this work. Much like anything we discuss here, your state of mind and attitude about the situation will do the most in determining how the outcome will be.

Traditions are a great thing. Hang on to as many as you can. If you find yourself faced with deciding between being able to grow and celebrating a tradition it is time to ask yourself some serious questions. What was the tradition all about? Is there another way to still accomplish the same thing while adjusting to growth and change? Was the tradition tied to a person? Is it time to surrender that tradition to a memory and begin a new one? Often times if we think of what the purpose of our traditions were we can find new and healthier ways to accomplish the same thing. Find new traditions to start with the ones you care about that will bring all involved joy and good health.

AN IMPORTANT ADDITION

 
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Back to the discussion of my lady and I, seen in the picture above and what makes us such a strong and great couple. There is one essential element all good relationships need, and that is humor. Now whether your partner is more Jim Carey or Steven Wright does not matter. We all have our own version of humor and so does our partner. Understanding and appreciating that humor can be a great gain in any relationship, but especially in romantic ones. Quite often a humorous memory can soften the blow, or even help bring you back to love when a challenge or misunderstanding arises. So build humorous memories with your friends and loved ones. Taking pictures of them can add something special and help the memory last.
My only warning here is never to use humor at the expense of your partner. This can lead to resentment and a bad memory. Also avoid humor at the expense of others. Your partner may start to wonder what you say about them when they are not around. It also puts you in a negative light and opens the door to gossip which we discussed in the previous post.
So today’s homework, find ways to make your partner laugh and smile that will also bring you closer. Capture that humor anyway you can to use when needed.

WHAT TO WEAR

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Those who know me in person know that I am not the definition of high fashion. Some may even say I am not the definition of low fashion. Yes, my clothing generally follows the axiom of ‘function over form’. That being said I did most recently even wear a dress shirt and tie to impress a lovely young lady. So why I am writing a relationship blog entitled ‘What to wear’ if I know little to nothing about fashion? Simple, the article I am going to tell you to put on is not an article of clothing at all, but will do far more for your appearance than the finest ball gown or Italian tie. So what is this thing that can so improve our appearance? Diamonds? Fancy jewelry? Expensive cologne? Actually no to all of those. In fact this item will not cost you anything. Enough teasing, let me tell you the answer, or more to the point let me use this quote to explain what I am trying to say.

“Good humor is one of the best articles of dress one can wear in society” – William Thackeray

Is humor really that important? Yes. A good loving sense of humor can fill a relationship with many amazing things. Humor can take away the sting of a disagreement. Humor can lessen the pain of an accidental hurt. Humor can intensify love and half sorrow. So I implore of you to develop humor with your partner. Not humor of the biting sarcastic nature, but one of the fun and childish nature. Can you share a children’s joke like “What do you call a fish with no eye? fsh” Or even make up a silly word that only the two of you know that brings a smile to both of your faces? Recall moments that made you both laugh as often as you can. Always look for the joy and humor in life and in your relationship. A good sense of humor was in the top 3 of most desired traits of both men and women. Nobody likes to be with someone who doesn’t smile. So find some good jokes and always look for ways to make your partner laugh. Laughter and Love always make a good pair.

HOUSE OF A THOUSAND MIRRORS

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Let me share a story I have heard with you. The story is called “The house of a thousand mirrors” At the edge of a small village there was a house with a thousand mirrors. One day a happy little dog was walking by wagging his tail. “Let me see what is in this magical house” the dog thought to himself. So he bounced up the stairs and looked inside. What did he see? A thousand other happy dogs all wagging their tails back and him and smiling. “This is a fine house” the dog thought to himself “I shall come back here often” A few days later a different dog was walking by. This dog was a sad dog, he was told by the other dog about a house on the edge of the village that contained thousands of happy dogs. Surely he thought one of these dogs can cheer me up. So up the stairs he went head hung low. He peered inside the house and what did he see? Not the thousands of happy dogs he was promised, but instead many other sad dogs like himself. “This will not do at all” he said to himself. “I will never return here again”

Now the moral to this story should be rather obvious, but how does it relate to the subject we are discussing? Specifically our relationship? In short it has everything to do with our relationship. In our story both dogs approached the same house but had distinctly different experiences. Why is that? What they saw in the house was a reflection of what they brought to the house. This is true of our relationships as well. Quite often an problems we may be experiencing in our relationship can be a reflection of what we, ourselves are bringing to the relationship. If we find our spouse to be unromantic or quick to anger, can we say that we are brining patience and romance to the relationship ourselves? As we have mentioned quite a few times in this series of blogs you cannot hope to change your spouse you must work on yourself. Remember, life and our relationships which tend to be a focused representation of our lives, often reflect most what we bring to them. If you hope to attract a positive and loving spouse into your life, you must be a positive and loving person yourself first. Sometimes when we do focus on the qualities we desire we can even end up attracting a different partner into our lives, one that is more suitable to the qualities we desire.

Another valuable lesson that may not be so obvious in this story can be shown by the second sad dog. If you recall the sad dog was approaching the house, which serves as a symbol of life, or in our case a relationship, to fix him. He thought if he could only find the happy dogs he heard about they might fix his sadness. However he still approached the house as a sad dog. The same holds true for our relationships. If you are going into a relationship to receive love, but do not love yourself or bring love to your partner, you will not find the love you seek, even from the most caring partner. This may sound sad, but in it is the seed of great opportunity. If you wish to attract a loving and caring partner, or even trickier, transform your current partner to a more loving and caring person the answer is easy. All you have to do to find the traits you desire is embody them yourself. You will either see them reflected in your partner or perhaps even attract a new and more perfect partner for you. So the lesson today is remember relationships, much like life, can only return what we bring to them.

STAY CONNECTED

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Several years back I was heading on vacation. The young lady I was dating was unable to go with for a variety of reasons. We were discussing how much we would be missing each other when an interesting thing happened. She then asked me what time zone I would be in. After telling her I could see she was doing some rough calculations in her head. She then asked if I could do her a simple favor. Being one who likes to make their partner happy I was more than happy to oblige. This was her favor “Tomorrow night at 10pm your time can you stop and look up at the moon for about 60 seconds?” This seemed like an odd request considering there seemed to be nothing special going on with the moon that I knew that day. After assuring her I would I had to inquire why she asked that I do that particular thing. “Because even though we are apart I know at the exact same time we will be staring at the exact same moon” When I first heard it I thought it sounded rather corny and a little cliché, but agreed anyway. Fast forward 24 hours. I find myself on a beautiful tropical island with some friends sharing dinner and cocktails. Now I cannot explain why I happened to look at the clock when I did, but it just happened to be 9:55. In my rum induced state I had almost forgotten the promise I had made. Not wanting to appear too much like a hopeless romantic I just told my friends I had to use the men’s room, which wasn’t a complete lie after rum anyway. So there I found myself standing on the beach in front of the ocean looking at my watch thinking to myself “All I have to do is quickly look up at the moon right at ten so I can say I did it and then I can go back to my cold and refreshing cocktail” So I waited about the 90 seconds I had to go before ten o’clock and my brain played a funny trick on me. Suddenly I started to wonder if she was doing the same thing. Before I knew it ten o’clock had arrived. I went to take my quick glance and noticed how amazing the clouds passing by the moon looked that night. It had a shade of dark purple I had never seen before. As I looked for a few seconds I began to picture the girl I left behind doing the same. Suddenly I wasn’t is such a hurry to get back to my rum (one of the few times that can be said) the rest of the evening was filled with thoughts of her and the moon. Sure I enjoyed the company of my friends and even a few more cocktails, but I felt a connection with a woman thousands of miles away I just can’t explain.

So what is the point of this story? The point is this. At some point in any relationship you will be apart from the one you love. This can be a healthy thing as everyone needs a little room for themselves and to experience and discover things they can bring back to the relationship. It also underscores the power of symbols and how you can use them to stay connected to your partner even when they are not around. Perhaps you have a piece of amazing jewelry they made you? Perhaps they wrote you a nice letter about everything they love about you? Even the journals we discussed in a previous post can serve as a way of staying connected even when you have to be apart physically. So find that symbol or create one with your partner. I have seen everything from necklaces that have puzzle pieces that fit together to matching tattoos. Whatever works for you and your partner. Also remember it never hurts to stop and look at the moon.

SENSE OF PURPOSE

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It has been mentioned in this blog how important a sense of purpose is for attaining goals and living an amazing life. For without a destination even the most detailed map will be useless. Even without a map, if you know where you are going and pay attention to whether you are getting closer or not and keep trying you will eventually get there. All of these facts hold just as true in your relationships. We are focusing on intimate relationships, but this can go for any type of relationship you can think of.

So what is the purpose of your relationship? It is a question many of us may have never thought of. Perhaps you are saying “My relationship doesn’t really have a purpose. I just want to enjoy it” That is fine, and you should enjoy your relationship to the fullest. However, having an individual and joint goals within your relationship will add another dimension of closeness. You don’t have to solve the world’s problems, or run for the highest office together. Still defining goals that you can accomplish both on your end and working together can develop an additional bond that can turn a good relationship great. So what are some examples of both individual and couple oriented goals? Let us look at the individual side first. What goals do you have to bring to your partner? Notice I said bring to your partner. You should focus solely on what you can bring to the relationship. Often times if you notice your partner has a particular challenge perhaps offering some encouragement in that area would be helpful. I suggest writing a few things down. There is something about seeing things in black and white that helps remind us and stay focused. One of the things that should always make it to your list is making your partner feeling attractive. We touched on the benefits that this can bring to your relationship. Ask yourself “What have I done to make my partner know how attractive they are to me?”. Did you make them your screen saver on your cell phone or computer? Did you mention to them that you have a picture of them on your desk or in your locker at work? Did you simply tell them how beautiful or handsome they look that day? This idea, if done with sincerity, cannot be overdone. Think of how you feel when someone tells you that you look nice? Wouldn’t you want to give that feeling to the one you love? You can even turn it into a fun game trying to come up with new and creative ways to show your partner how enamored you are with their appearance. This is made much easier if you are fortunate enough to have a creative partner. Which leads us to our next goal that should make any list, let your partner know what it is about them you enjoy. Is it the fact they are creative? Do you enjoy their laugh? Their view of the world? There are a million different things to enjoy about anyone and letting them know will only increase their love for you and your closeness with each other. There are other things you can add to your list. Make my partner laugh or smile is a good one. Help out a little more around the house is another that is always appreciated. You know your partner best so you know good goals to focus on. The key here is to write them down and review them at least once a week. You will see your relationship come alive.

So couples goals. What could they be? There are big things such as starting a business together, but that is not for every couple and can even have the potential for additional stress. So focus on what you and your partner both excel and are good at. Do you both like frozen yogurt? Perhaps you could start an online blog about great frozen yogurt places you have visited. My personal favorite is finding ways that both you are your partner can work together to help others. Could you help out once a month at a homeless shelter? Could you have an online forum that helps people who are feeling down? To simply noticing people who you come into contact with who have lost their smile and working together to bring it back. Quite often individual goals can also turn into couples goals. Does your partner have a hobby or business of their own? Helping them in whatever way you can could not only be a personal goal but also lead you to experiencing a great moment and sense of accomplishment as a couple.

So decide what your purpose of your relationship is. Decide what you can do both as an individual and as a couple. Write it down and begin to act on it today. You will be amazed at the miracles that will happen!

THE KEY TO ATTRACTION

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“That which is Loved is always beautiful”

Norwegian Proverb

Here is a common theme in relationships. You meet someone new and they just start that fire burning deep within. Your amorous feelings can’t be contained. Their kisses are like a drug you become addicted to. Every second you see them thoughts of passion race through your mind and your body. You can wait to wrap your arms around them, and to hold and kiss them. Making love to them is like your own reoccurring fantasy.

Fast forward five or even ten years. This same person may have gained a few pounds. You have seen them first thing in the morning a hundred times. You have seen them sick and perhaps after one to many cocktails. Perhaps their beauty has just become common place to you. Suddenly you find yourself in an odd situation. You love this person with all your heart, but somehow those carnal, lustful thoughts have either become extremely rare or worse seemed to disappear altogether. There is a saying “That which is familiar we take for granted” Maybe even seeing the same beautiful person day after day has you numb to their true attraction. So how do we get those feelings back? How do we fall back in lust with our own partner? The simple answer to this is to fall back in love with them. Now before you say “Neil that is just some crazy romantic nonsense you are spreading. I do love my partner I just don’t find them as attractive anymore” Well, let us look at another secret passion thief, resentment. In addition to seeing each others worst physical sides often people tend to remember a lot of the not so pleasant emotional sides of the dream person you are with. That is only natural. The brain tends to remember events that are linked to powerful emotions. What is more powerful than having your feeling hurt by your partner? Well, if you have followed the exercises leading up to this point you are well on your way to healing a good deal of those bad memories.

So the question remains, what can we do to rekindle the passion we had when we first met the love of our lives. Well it is honest best not to lose it in the first place. Lot’s of very loving and well-meaning couples end up as friends or even roommates after several years because they did not nurture the passion in their relationship. There are several ideas on how to achieve this and I encourage some self-study outside of this blog which usually ends up to be a fun time anyway. Here I will give you some of the best I have picked up from the experts in this field and from the mistakes I have made and lessons I have learned. First thing you need to know is you should never stop charming your partner. Lots of couples and in general it tends to be mostly the men, although women can certainly be guilty of this too, assume once they have won the heart and soul of their lover the deed is done. That is the furthest thing from the truth. I relate it to getting in the best shape of your life and then you stop paying attention to your body. Eventually you will end up out of shape and having to start all over again. The good news is that much like your body, you can start over in your relationship and work your way back to the top.  Making your partner feel loved and desired seems to be easy in the beginning but fall further down the ladder as the years go by. Here is the sad truth. First, that is the opposite of how it should be. Love is fun in the beginning. Everything is new and fresh. Your partner has not gotten on your nerves yet. As the years go by make no mistake you become equally as unattractive to your partner so keeping their feelings high will help both of you as well. Here is the good news. As the years go by you have more information and experiences to build on. You know more of what your partner likes, more of what makes them feel attractive. Use that to your advantage.

Another simple and fun thing you can do that will not only make your partner more attractive to you, but will also make them more attracted to you is focus. Now normally focus does not sound like the sexiest of all the words, but let me assure you it can be. A wonderful person made me something with the word focus as the center piece. It has not only done wonders with my writing, but also with many areas of life, relationships included. You know well if you read my blog with any regularity that what we focus on we tend to multiply and intensify. Why not focus on what you find attractive about your partner? Do their eyes sparkle like diamonds when they are happy? Does their whole face light up when they smile? Do you even find it cute when they spill ice cream on the front of their shirt? Whatever it is pay attention to it. Now here is the key, say it out loud. Let your partner know. Write it in a card. Leave a voicemail letting them know. Call them on lunch just to tell them. This accomplishes two things. One, you get into the habit of looking for things you find attractive in your partner. Two, saying they are beautiful, handsome or whatever word you care to use will get your mind in the habit of associating the two. Three, after an initial skepticism and thinking you have either done something terribly wrong or have the urge to do so, your partner will start to associate you with the good feelings they get from hearing how attractive they are. Let’s be honest who doesn’t like to feel desired. The key here is to find a mix of both physical and emotional things you find attractive about your partner. The more emotion behind it the better. Have fun with it.

POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT

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You may have heard the saying “you get more bees with honey than with vinegar” the same holds true in a relationship. Although personally I do not want any bees in my relationship. What does all this mean and how can we use it to create the secret to an amazing relationship? Let me start by asking you a question. If there is something you really enjoy that your partner does, how can you get them to do it more often? Here is another question. If there is something your partner does that you do not like, how can you get them to do it less often? The answer is surprisingly the same. Positive reinforcement. Now I will be the first to tell you that one of the single most important traits to a healthy relationship is great communication. However it must be the right kind of communication. Sometimes how you say things is just as important as what you say. If the communication in your relationship consists of a few gestures you give each other in the hallway as you walk by you may want to consider reading this post. Even if your relationship has great communication and you are just looking for a few ways to improve it this will definitely be worth your time.

Let me start by sharing a story with you. I have a female friend who was complaining that her boyfriend never responds to her text messages or when he does it is often hours after she has sent him a msg. “So how does that make you feel?” I asked her. She told me it made her feel unimportant and unloved. When I asked her what she wanted to feel and how that may happen she told me if he would only text her back sooner she would feel more important and cherished by this man. I inquired if she had ever explained that to him. Often our partners may be unaware of something that may be bothering us. This was not the case here. “Oh yes. He knows” she told me and went on to explain the last time he text her back she ripped into him and told him that he better not wait so long to text her back and how awful it made her feel. So what was she showing her boyfriend? She thought she had explained to him that texting her back quickly would make her happy. What she had really done is show him that texting her equaled pain. She made him feel guilty and hurt. So how could she have handled this better? First, she could’ve been more compassionate. Maybe he did want to text her back. Maybe he had a lot going on in his life that day? Maybe he was driving and didn’t want to risk being unsafe. She could’ve explained to him “I know your busy, but if you have the chance it really means a lot if you could text me back as soon as you are able” or if she wanted to avoid the issue altogether she could’ve just expressed how much it meant to her that he did text her back by saying “It is so great to hear from you. Every time I receive a message from you my heart skips a beat and it makes me feel so loved” If we focus on what we enjoy from our partners and let them know what makes us happy quite often we will get more of that. It is also not a stretch that our partners can connect the dots and realize the opposite of that thing will upset us. In this case the young man would realize that if receiving a text made her happy then not receiving one would surely make her unhappy. What we focus on in our relationships as well as in life we get more of. So be sure to keep your focus on the positive by doing some of the things we mentioned earlier in the week as well as what we talked about here today. Praise your spouse when they do something that makes us feel loved. Everyone likes praise and everyone likes to know they made the person they love feel good. Let them know and soon you will find they are working to do it more often. Until tomorrow my friends, live an amazing and passionate life!