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HUMP DAY REMINDER 🐫

This is an important and much needed reminder. There are so many of us that work so hard to make the world a better place and bring joy to others. Those same people are often the hardest on themselves. Check your inner conversation. Is it motivating? Recently, I noticed that my inner conversation started to lean a little more to the negative than I would care for. I mentioned to Margie, “I need to work on being more positive.” She gave me a look that showed her shock with my statement. I should have been a little more specific. My outer conversation was still very positive. However, my inner conversation was not. Allow me to give you an example. Winter is always difficult for me. The cold, the lack of life, it all has me feeling down. I decided to add a way to help with this. I decided to appreciate the effort and beauty behind the decorations people put up for the holidays.

On the outside I did pretty good. Whether I was with others, or by myself. I would remark, “Wow! That one looks nice.” or “That must have taken a long time.” I did feel better. That was until my inner voice started talking. I am not sure who that person is, but he didn’t have many nice things to say. I heard the voice in my head say, “That one is sloppy.” and “Why did they even bother to put up decorations if they were not going to take their time?” Here I was trying to find beauty and the holiday spirit and my inner dialogue turned into a holiday decoration critic. Then, I started getting down on myself for being negative.

We must remember that we are human. We must be forgiving and compassionate with ourselves. Especially during this busy season. As a solution to combat my newly negative self-talk, I have begun to listen to positive affirmations on the way to work in the morning. It places positive thoughts in my head before my head can come up with negative ones. Remember to be kind to ourselves the rest of the week. In what ways are you kind to yourself?

WHAT IS YOUR ROLE? ARE YOU SURE?

One of the troubling aspects coming to light lately is toxic masculinity. That is where men are convinced some hyper testosterone nonsense about what a man really is. Sadly, this often leads to over aggressive behavior, emotional suppression and the mistreatment and devaluing of women. I am a fan of old-fashioned gentlemanly behavior. I open the door for my lady. Not because I think she is not capable, but because it is a sign of respect for her. A real man does not need to devalue women, or even other man. In fact, being helpful and showing respect to others is exactly what makes a man.

Out of all of this college frat boy way of defining what a man really should be, a new problem has been created. We will refer to it as misguided femininity. This idea that men have no emotional or mental health needs. That they can just ‘suck it up’ or ‘rub a little dirt on it’ and everything will be ok. Sadly, men are not often taught the correct way to express their emotions. Their communication skills often lack refinement. That does not mean men do not also have emotional needs. Leaving them unfulfilled can lead to a feeling of resentment and a lack of connection. As mentioned earlier, men are not really good at communicating these emotional needs. Often, they have difficult articulating them even in their own heads.

One of the areas in which this manifests most often is intimacy. There are thousands of advice columns telling men to ‘keep dating their wives’. They will tell them how important it is to make their wives feel attractive and desired. I could not agree with this more. If you never stop falling in love with your partner, you will never lose them. We have this great piece of advice because women are kind enough, and emotionally mature enough to be able to express how important this is to them. We can trace this back generations to the fact that women were told it was ok to get in touch with their inner emotions. It was ok to express these and to ask for what you feel you need. Men were told that was unmanly and to keep it inside.

As humans, these are needs we share. Connection, value and significance. That last one is huge. Granted this looks different for both men and women. It can vary even between individuals. What is true is that we all need that for the relationship to be healthy. Ladies, if you want your relationship to the next level, watch what happens when you make your man feel chosen, attractive and wanted. Remember, this looks different for men than women. How do you think you can make your husband feel the things mentioned in the photo above? How important do you think it is?

This should go without saying, but this same holds true for your male friends as well. As men work to develop better emotional communication, and thankfully that seems to be trending correctly, make sure we are helping them to address their mental health and emotional needs.

YOUR SEEDS OF GREATNESS

Let us have a discussion about the journey of self-improvement and becoming the best version of yourself. This is a self-improvement website after all. Many people are looking for the ‘lifestyle hack’ or the quick fix to transform into this magically positive and productive person. Others are searching for the secret knowledge, or the one thing that can turn their life around. After over 2 decades in this field, here is what I have learned – it is not that complicated. There are many paths to discovering and living your greatness. What makes you great may be different than what makes me, your neighbor or your child great.

This is where it becomes a bit tricky for someone who is coaching others to become the best version of themselves. If everyone is unique, how can you develop tools and strategies that will work for everyone? There are universal principles, which can be customized to the individual, that when applied work for everyone. One of these is understanding how all of this works. One of the best ways I have discovered is by using analogies that make it easier to understand. That is what we are going to attempt to do here today.

Think of an apple. Let us say that one of your friends gives you an apple. As you begin to eat it, the thought occurs to you that you would love more of these delicious apples. Inside that very apple is a few seeds. What happens if you plant them? Does each one give you an apple? No, it is not a one for one turn around. What does happen, eventually, is you grow and apple tree. That tree has many apples. Each of those apples have several seeds. If you continue to replant the seeds, you end up with an orchard and all of the apples you can enjoy. In fact, you can even share the apples with others at that point.

You may be thinking, “Cute apple story Neil, but what does that have to do with becoming the best version of myself?” In a word, everything! That apple that someone gave you is a tool or strategy that can improve your life. Inside of each tool or strategy is a ‘seed’ of greatness. These seeds can even be found in challenges, chance meetings and pretty much any situation in life. When we ‘plant’ the seed. That is akin to putting what we have learned into action in our life. Here where the magic happens if we do it the right way. Let us take developing an attitude of gratitude as an example. When we plant the seed and begin to utilize gratitude in our life, not much may change right away. This is what happens when you first plant the apple seed. It takes a while to grow the tree. If we water and take care of the seed, the quicker the tree will grow and the sooner we will reap our harvest. This is what happens when we continue to take the self-improvement action even if we are not seeing the immediate results.

What would happen if we plant an apple seed and three days later there is no tree so we dig up the seed to see if it is working? One, we would disrupt and slow down the growth cycle of the seed. Done enough times, the seed will die and nothing will grow. This is what we do when we are filled with doubt or stop using the tools and strategies because we do not see results in the time we desire. It is like wanting the tree to grow overnight. It often does not work that way. If we stick with it and water that seed, so we will harvest more than we had initially. Think of practicing being grateful. If we do it long enough to develop an attitude of gratitude, our life will transform in far greater ways than just being thankful. Remember this analogy when you are not seeing results as quickly as you would like.

WHAT DOES YOUR HAPPINESS DEPEND ON?

It sure is great if your spouse is happy. If the boss is in a good mood that doesn’t hurt. If the weather is pleasant and traffic flows well that sure makes for a great day! When the people we encounter everywhere and the service we receive all come with a smile.

Let me ask you another question. What are the odds that all of those things will happen in the same day? How many days do you think they can all remain true? The odds do not seem stacked in our favor. If your happiness depends on all, or any, of these holding true, you are likely to find yourself a little short on happy days.

The ironic thing is people spend most of their energy trying to control, it worse complaining about, things beyond their control. What good does that do? It leaves us feeling both exhausted and frustrated. That also does not put a smile on our face.

Instead, we should focus on developing inner processes that bring us joy. Developing an attitude of gratitude would be a great start. Look around you for all of the things in your life that are going great. That does not mean being blind to the challenges. It means realizing even in the darkest of times we have plenty of things going right!

Ask yourself today, does your happiness depend on outside circumstances? If so, today would be a great day to take back control of your emotions. Let me know what makes a happy day for you!

IF BABIES CAN, WHY CAN’T WE?

Last night, Margie and I stopped at Olive Garden. Certainly not my favorite Italian restaurant, but it would do nicely when you are craving some pasta. We had a wonderful server and a very nice and filling meal.

The most impactful thing for me happened before we were even seated. Waiting for a table in the lobby we were seated next to a family that had a child between 1 and 2 years old. Suddenly, that child spotted another around the same age and took off running.

As the two children stopped in front of each other and stared, the adults looked on. These children did not know each other, were of different races and were not introduced to each other. Before long they were running around the lobby following each other.

Such a simple and heartwarming event. It was their innocence that allowed them to do something most adults struggle with. Walk up to a stranger, one who looks different than you, and just start sharing life with them. They found bliss in the moment. I think that is something we lose along the way that would be worth finding.

KEEP WATERING YOURSELF

This should be of no shock to anyone, but we live in a rather crazy world. Between the news outlets and the advertising budgets, we are bombarded with notifications 24/7! We were always taught that technology would give us so much free time, but it often gives us more stress. That is not to say there isn’t wonderful things technology does for us, but I am not sure about all of that free time.

That is why it is so important to ‘water ourselves’ with the items above. Keep the mental health up and the stress level down. Have you thought about, or do you do any of the above on a regular basis? Do you love yourself? Do you practice self-belief? How about patience? Hope? Do you have actions to help you develop or experience these things? It might be a wise idea to print out, or write down, those words and have fun finding ways to work them into your daily life. I would love to hear some of your ideas!

A SNAKE CAN’T BITE IF…

Another piece of information that seems like a no-brainer. How easy does it get lost in the whirlwind of emotion? If there is a person that is always upsetting you and stressing you out, get far away from them. Some of you might be saying, “It is my boss, my mother or my friend. I can’t just walk away.” I am here to tell you that you can indeed walk away. If you are sacrificing your emotional well-being as to not offend them, you need to make yourself more of a priority.

We certainly cannot just up and quit our jobs or turn our back on family, can we? If it is causing you enough grief, then you must do what you need to do. At the very least, there are two action steps that will make this a lot easier on you and end up with a healthier state of mind. First, have the hard conversation. Tell them how you feel. This does not mean blaming or unloading on the person. That will only add to the stress. Explain your desire to maintain whatever level of relationship you desire, but that you have boundaries and what stresses you out. Be willing to listen to their side of the story. At the same time, have an action plan in case the conversation does not yield the desired results. Begin looking for that new job, or be emotionally preparing yourself to live life without that person.

On occasion, after your absence, the person may realize how important your mental health is and may have a greater desire to return to your life without stressing you out. Sometimes they will not. Sometimes they may even tell others what a terrible person you are for having boundaries and standing up for them. They, of course, will not word it that way. Usually in a way that paints you in a negative light. Be ready for that. It is often an unfair price to pay, but one well worth the stress you will be losing. Do not give people the opportunity to hurt or stress you out. A snake cannot bite you if you do not go near it. Keep that image in your mind as you go through this process. You may find it helpful. Also remember you deserve a peaceful life. Give it to yourself.

WISDOM FROM EDUARDO

For those of you who follow this blog, you might know Eduardo. He is a member of this community from Italy. His comments on what is written here I feel often surpass even what is written! Eduardo has a brilliant ability to say in only a few lines what can take paragraphs for others to explain. His insight, thoughtfulness and love of rock-n-roll make him one of my favorite people to hear from He just came out with his own book and I cannot wait to read it.

Let us get back to today’s comment we are looking at. I want to focus on the last part of that comment. “Too much planning amounts to treating the present moment as an obstacle to endure on the road to somewhere else.” What a powerful statement. How many of us fail to be present because we are too busy being depressed about the past or worried about the future? Our mind is always preparing for ‘what is next’ while life passes us by. When we are at work, we wish we were home. When we are home, we are concerned about what has to be done when we return to the office.

I do not know who said it, but someone once said, “Work when you work and play when you play.” How simple that sounds, but how easy it is to forget. In an age of constant distraction, remaining present is nothing less than a super power. I suggest practicing this. How? By spending just five focused minutes to start out. Sit with a picture of a loved one. This works best if you have a printed picture so you do not receive a million notifications while doing so. You can always turn on the ‘do not disturb’ button on your phone, or set it to airplane mood. Now that you have the picture, spend 5 minutes pondering how wonderful this person is and all the reasons you are grateful for them. You can recall memories, how much you love their smile or their sense of humor. Just stay present and focused on that person.

You can even set a timer to alert you when the time is up. It may seem like forever at first, but you will get used to it. Then slowly lengthen the time. 10 minutes or 30! It does not always have to be staring at a photo. It can be reading a book. Looking at the beauty of nature. You will find as your ability to stay present increases, so does your appreciation for the amazing life you have.

1 SENTENCE ON LIVING LIFE

It is with a great sense of compassion that I write this. It is true that a lot of people are victims of not knowing what they do not know. In today’s world, unless you live in a dictatorship, you have access to more information that the richest and most powerful had just a few years ago. If you think in any way this sounds condescending, let me assure you that I can use myself as an example.

Before the year 2000, my life was a mess. My relationships, my career and my health. There was no direction to my life. Self-improvement? That was something I heard about in passing. My childhood consisted more of a “pull yourself up by the bootstraps” sort of thing. Studying the power of the subconscious mind or the importance of taking care of your mental health? Never was a topic discussed. Let us face it, the public education system when I grew up was worried more about you finding the surface area of an ellipse than how to manage your stress and find direction in your life.

The point was that I was ignorant. How do we go from there to someone who teaches seminars on self-improvement, has a daily blog and three published books on the subject? It all began with a Tony Robbins infomerical. Yes, it was 3am and I was getting ready for work and you could get a ‘free trail’ if you called now. So, half asleep, I did call. It was so long ago that I was sent a tape cassette. I listened to that thing over and over again. I have come across many great sources sense that day, but Tony had, and still does, a great talent for speaking directly to the person listening.

The whole story is chronicled in my first book, A Happy Life for Busy People. After much hard work and the influence of my beautiful lady, Margie, my life is one I am happy and proud to live. Is there work to do? Of course. David Goggins (I told you there were more influences) puts it best, “There is no finish line.” Becoming the best version of yourself is a life-long journey. Matthew McConaughey says his hero is him 10 years from now. Meaning the more enlightened and knowledgeable version of himself.

The key thing to getting started is knowing that nobody is coming to save you. You have to put in the effort. If you do not know what to do, go to the library, go online and get the information. Take the actions and get started. Where you started from does not matter. What you do about it is what counts!

YOUR BIGGEST COMEBACK!

In life, so many people do their best to put us down and keep us down. It can be for our race, our beliefs or just because they are not so pleasant people. It can be quite dispiriting. What can you do in those situations?

One solution that works in every case is to work on being the healthiest version of ourself. This is multifaceted and gives us plenty to work on while we deal with our challenges. Our health consists of physical, mental and spiritual or emotional health. When we have these in order, we are poised for success. The more we work on them, the better our potential.

There are so many ways to work on our health. It can be our diet and eating better. It can be engaging in physical fitness. It can be meditation to heal from trauma. It can be learning to change our mindset to better reflect the life we wish to live.

Do not let the world get you down. When it is doing its best to try, work hard on yourself and your health. That is both your physical, mental and emotional or spiritual health. You will come out stronger no matter what challenge you are facing.

MAKE IT A HABIT

When you converse with others, how does the conversation usually go? Do you recite complaints of the day? Do you discuss others and their behavior? Maybe world news and all of the crazy politics of the day? How about the mistakes your sports team made?

If you are anything like most people, that is the majority of your conversation. Have you ever paid attention to your daily verbal output? Most of us don’t we just start talking.

Starting today, why not make an effort to inject some positive and inspiring words into the mix? It is so rare,people may even look at you funny. What they will also do is want to be around you. People like hearing good news. It might be awkward at first, but once they get used to it, they will want to hear more.

Let us talk about how it affects you, the speaker. In order to both start and maintain a conversation, we have to think about the topics which we are discussing. Despite how some people may seem, it is impossible to speak without thinking about it first. If you’re speech is mostly negative, guess what your thoughts will be? If it is positive, guess what your thoughts will be? Your thoughts dictate your feelings. Would you rather feel positive or negative? Watch what you think and say. Talk about something inspiring for a change!