This is an important and much needed reminder. There are so many of us that work so hard to make the world a better place and bring joy to others. Those same people are often the hardest on themselves. Check your inner conversation. Is it motivating? Recently, I noticed that my inner conversation started to lean a little more to the negative than I would care for. I mentioned to Margie, “I need to work on being more positive.” She gave me a look that showed her shock with my statement. I should have been a little more specific. My outer conversation was still very positive. However, my inner conversation was not. Allow me to give you an example. Winter is always difficult for me. The cold, the lack of life, it all has me feeling down. I decided to add a way to help with this. I decided to appreciate the effort and beauty behind the decorations people put up for the holidays.
On the outside I did pretty good. Whether I was with others, or by myself. I would remark, “Wow! That one looks nice.” or “That must have taken a long time.” I did feel better. That was until my inner voice started talking. I am not sure who that person is, but he didn’t have many nice things to say. I heard the voice in my head say, “That one is sloppy.” and “Why did they even bother to put up decorations if they were not going to take their time?” Here I was trying to find beauty and the holiday spirit and my inner dialogue turned into a holiday decoration critic. Then, I started getting down on myself for being negative.
We must remember that we are human. We must be forgiving and compassionate with ourselves. Especially during this busy season. As a solution to combat my newly negative self-talk, I have begun to listen to positive affirmations on the way to work in the morning. It places positive thoughts in my head before my head can come up with negative ones. Remember to be kind to ourselves the rest of the week. In what ways are you kind to yourself?
Today is Monday. Regardless of what day you have found this post on, this is a good rule to follow. In a society that wants to be noticed, many people feel the need to say something. Sadly, many of these people say things that are sarcastic, rude or just mean. None of them need be said. We all have days where we are feeling less than optimal. It could have been a lack of sleep, feeling under the weather or just irritated. Whatever the reason, we do not feel social. In this case, it is ok to just be quiet. If you come across someone who is normally social and they tell you they are not up to it, they might just be following this rule.
Taking this up a notch, run what you are about to say through this filter. It even has a nice, handy acronym. If what you are about to say does not fit at least one of these metrics, hopefully more, than it is not really worth saying. If you still feel compelled to speak, than spend some time coming up with something that is one of the above. Let us focus less on being heard and more on providing something worth hearing.
Talk about a secret weapon in the war against mediocrity. A calm mind will allow you to see not only solutions to challenges, but opportunities you may have missed if you were too emotional. Yes, it is good to have enthusiasm. Yes, it is good to be passionate. What is required is to not let those same emotions blind you to certain things. Can you stop and think of areas of your life that remaining calm will give you an advantage over someone who is emotional?
One of the first things that comes to mind is interpersonal relations. Having the ability to remain fairly calm when there is discord between two parties is a super power. The closer these parties are, the more difficult it is to remain calm. It is also the more important it is to do so. Think of a disagreement at the office. How you handle things with your coworkers can affect your life 40 hours a week. It can influence promotions and productivity. How about friendships? Being able to disagree with friends can mean the difference in relationships that take years, and sometimes decades, to develop. Most important, think of your romantic relationship. I believe that lack of proper communication is the cause for most divorce.
Have you ever seen a couple disagreeing so passionately that they forget what they are actually disagreeing about? Have you ever been part of a couple like that? Sometimes, parties may be discussing totally different things. If your partner thinks you are upset about one thing, but you are really upset about something else, can you see how difficult it would be to get that disagreement solved? Often this leads to arguing about the same thing over and over. The solution is to be able to communicate what you are upset about, the solution you would like to see and how to work together to achieve that. They only way to do this is by managing to be calm.
Of course remaining calm in the midst of conflict is easier said than done. Can you see why it would be worth the effort? Even in the internal battles that exist when we are working to be a better version of ourself, the ability to be calm is so helpful. It allows us to be objective and view our life with a healthy detachment. Being able to be honest with ourselves without getting emotional will allow us to make necessary changes. It will allow us to do this without feeling depressed or like a failure. From relationships with others, to the relationship with ourself, being calm is what we should aim to achieve.
Today’s post might be a little ‘sciency’ but do not let that scare you. We will break everything down and go slowly. By the time you digest everything I believe you will have gained information and a valuable tool to help you move closer to an amazing life. Today we are going to talk about sympathetic resonance. Before we get into exactly what that is and how it works, let us talk about us. You, me and every other human that lives and breathes on this planet. As you break down what we are all made of, when you get to the very base of everything, it is made of exactly the same thing – energy. Each person, every object is energy at its most fundamental level. The difference is in the frequency and vibration of that energy.
Consider this quote from one of the smartest men to ever live on the planet. Tesla realized that the secret to everything comes down to the base of what everything is made of energy and the frequency and vibration that energy is in. Before we lose anyone, let us help understand energy on an interpersonal level. Have you ever experienced someone who brought tension into a room simply by entering it? How about those people who make people smile just by their company? You can feel their energy without grasping the quantum physics behind it. The same can be said for how you feel in certain places, listening to certain music, or looking at a certain piece of art. The list is endless. Certain things affect you in certain ways.
Now let us get back to sympathetic resonance. This is a fancy term for saying energy affects like energy. One of the best examples of this can be had using tuning forks. Every tuning fork has a frequency determined by its mass, length and material it is made out of. If you struck a tuning fork next to a group of tuning forks of varying frequencies, only the ones that matched the initial fork would vibrate. It is a cool little trick, but how does that serve us? That is where it gets interesting.
Remember when I said at our basic level we are all made of energy? That we all vibrate at different frequencies? Much like a tuning fork, we will resonate with people of like energy. Here is where things get interesting and how we can put them to use. Unlike a tuning fork, people have many frequencies they vibrate at depending on mood, health, environment and a host of other factors. Even the happiest person has a sad vibration in them. We all have our own fears, triggers and joys that we respond to.
Thinking back to our tuning fork example, we resonate with like-minded energy. That being said, a person’s energy can resonate with certain aspects of ourself. Some of those may be beneficial to us, some may be detrimental. That is why it is paramount to surround ourselves with the best energy we can. Why watch the news over and over? It will look to resonate with our energy of fear or perhaps anger. Spending too much time with that person who is always anger will only cause us to stimulate that anger frequency in us.
You do not need to fully understand sympathetic resonance or the quantum physics behind it to know that the things that surround you affect you. Knowing this, can you see how important it is to select your environment as much as possible? Associate with positive people who are driven. Fill your house with items that bring you peace and joy. We cannot control everything in our life. That is precisely why it is so important to control what we can. The energy that surrounds and affects us is something that we have a great deal of control over. Can you see how this knowledge can help us achieve an amazing life? How you can use an energy cleanse after a stressful situation? How having a house that brings you peace can help leave you more energized?
Sometimes the oldest wisdom can enlighten us most in the present. Take a look at this quote from a Stoic Philosopher. Far too many young people place their value on ‘likes’ on social media. There are people who look at career advancement as a measure of success. Some view the number in a bank balance as an indicator of a successful life. All of these have variables that can slip out of our control. How many people ‘like’ something we put out on social media has so many variables that it is beyond comprehension. It is certainly not an indicator as to the quality of the content. Career advancement? Things such as market volatility, nepotism, and office politics can influence that. Bank balances? One health emergency and that can be upended.
Instead, focus on what we can control. Take the social media example. If you focus on putting out quality content verses likes, when you do have a post go viral, there will be no concern if it will be a good one. The best way to boost your readership is to write something worth reading. Career advancement? Becoming the most valuable employee you can be is something you can control. Learn as much as you can. Develop your people skills. Give them no choice but to promote you. If they still decide to go with their brother instead, you will be positioned to succeed somewhere else. Bank balances? Increasing your financial knowledge and skill is one of the best ways to insure yourself against catastrophe. Even if an emergency wipes out your savings, you will have the knowledge and skills needed to rebuild again, and do so in less time than most.
Whether your concern in life is finance, relationships or legacy, your best course of action is focusing on what you can control. In every situation there are things that are in our control and things that are not. To place value on the former, means less control in your life. To place value on the latter means more control. In the simplest of terms, one of the best things to focus on and put value on is becoming the best version of yourself. In that regard, no matter what outside circumstances hold, you are best positioned for success.
One of the things that Margie and I enjoy doing during the warm weather is visiting different markets. This Sunday, we were at a local farmer’s market and came across a stand we had not seen before. In addition to the offerings this lady was selling, we also were gifted a truly special story. One that I think can benefit us all by a gentle reminder.
At this stand there were two very distinct, and very different items. She was selling specialty dog treats in the shape of human food and crystal decor. As I was letting this bounce around in my head, I just had to ask how she came to be selling such different items at the same stand. The answer was not what I expected, but it might just be what we all need. She explained she had been selling the dog treats for quite some time. Recently, however, she lost her son to suicide. When that happened she began making the crystal decorations as a sort of therapy to help her deal with the pain of her loss. Eventually, a friend of her noticed that her house was starting to fill up and mentioned maybe she should stop.
Not interested in quitting a new-found passion, she decided to add them to her stand where she sold her dog treats. This is where the story takes a decided healing turn. A lady stopped by who had also lost her son to suicide. Sharing that each crystal featured angel wings in honor of the son she lost and some even featured something that said, “A piece of my heart is in heaven.” This was just the memory that the other lady was looking for. This transaction helped bring peace and healing to both ladies. In addition, but selling pieces of art that honor her lost son, it is bringing a little bit of peace to the hearts of everyone who purchases one.
This woman took what might be the most painful event that anyone could experience, and used it to create something that would be bring joy to others, and in the process also brought healing to a person who had experienced the same pain she had. When we share our pain with others, we transmute it into something that will help heal others as well. Pain is something none of us want to experience, but it is also a gift that allows us to help others heal. By sharing our pain, we help ourselves heal as well. This lady’s story brought a powerful reminder to Margie and I about the beauty behind many of the works of art people share. It is also a good reminder to spend time getting to know others by asking about their stories. When we share with each other, we all come out ahead.
This may seem like a morbid thought, but it is actually rather motivating. There is a classic Latin saying that says, “Death is certain. The hour uncertain.” It can come at anytime. Delayed gratification certainly has its place in self-improvement, but it must not come at the cost of our inner peace and joy. While we are striving to become the best version of ourselves, we must do our best to enjoy the process. While you look forward to the future, enjoy the present.
Another way of looking at these sayings is that we should take nothing for granted. Our health, the love we share with our spouse, the friendships we have. Even our job and boss that may drive us crazy at times, can be taken away in a heartbeat. Every ability we have. Every simple pleasure and even every annoyance, can be gone in a second. You may think challenges and problems would be great to be gone. In a strange way, they bring their own kind of joy. If you face a small daily challenge, overcoming that gives you a small victory every day. That is something to be celebrated.
When we delay our happiness until something happens, we live a life of wanting. If we can find joy in the waiting, our life becomes one long celebration. Enjoy the destination as well as the journey. That is the secret to an amazing life. The more moments you can find to celebrate, the better. How can you live a little in the moment? Are you guilty of postponing your happiness? Have you found ways to enjoy the journey? We would love to hear your story!
Changing the world is a goal for so many people. “I sure wish the world was more ____.” We hear so many people say. It seems like an out of reach goal, but really it is not. A big change is many little changes put together. If you just kept your yard in order, that really wouldn’t change too much. Let us say all of your neighbors did the same thing. Suddenly, the neighborhood is transformed. All of you did only one little thing, yet put together it transformed an entire neighborhood. This is how it works on a global scale as well. We may think what we do is too small to make a difference. If everyone who thought that acted anyway, it would make a global difference.
How about you? Are there small acts of kindness or action that you could take? This works especially well in interpersonal relations. One smile to a stranger can have a ripple effect with everyone they meet as well. This can continue on and on transforming many lives by sharing just one smile. In addition, a simple act of kindness can save a life. Have you ever thought of that? That stranger you smile at could be hanging on by a thread. They can be feeling that nobody cares. Your simple act of kindness can give them the hope they need to make it through one more day. In this way, you will touch the lives of so many.
Another great thing about small acts of kindness is there is never a wrong time to do them. One thing that can seem dispiriting is when someone is under a great deal of stress and you strive to say or do something kind and it seems to fail to make an impression. At the time, it may seem like it has no effect. Often, it takes a while to sink in. You may not be around to see the effect of your kindness. That does not mean it is still not worth doing. It would be great if we could all see the effect of the good we put into the world, but we do not have that luxury. If you want to see the effect, look inside. What I mean by that is think of how the good people have done has affected your life. You may not have reacted right away, especially if you are stressed at the moment. It may have occurred to you much later. A feeling of gratitude might have overcome you later. It was still a wonderful feeling, wasn’t it?
Always do what good you can, where you can do it. You may think it will not make a difference. It may seem small to you. When all of the small acts of good and kindness are put together, that is what changes the world. The more of them we do, the quicker the world will change.
A few months ago we have a 30 day gratitude challenge. One of the things that we did not touch on was the question, “What failure are you grateful for?” Most people are familiar with finding good things to be grateful for. It is even rather easy to see how you can be grateful for things that seem benign. Things that we take for granted every day. Such as having a working toilet or clean water. Once we stop and ponder how things would be without them, we find it rather easy to be grateful for them.
What takes a little work is discovering ways in which we can be grateful for the seemingly negative things in our life. I used the word ‘seemingly’ for a reason. On the surface, and certainly at the time, many things can seem negative. We feel hurt, embarrassment or pain. At the moment these things happen, the last emotion we are thinking about feeling is gratitude. How can you feel grateful for failing a test? How about the failure of a relationship? This is becomes even more difficult the longer that relationship has existed. Whether it is a best friend, a lover or a family member. How about failing at work? That can feel terrible. Each one of these, if properly reflected on, can give us a lot to be grateful for.
Failing a test can teach us, and motivate us to study harder. It can open our eyes to what we thought we knew that perhaps we were not as well versed on as we thought. A failure of a relationship can be a tricky one. If we are honest in our reflection, it can teach us a lot. Could we use some work on our interpersonal skills? Our communication? Should we be a more shrewd judge of character? Do we need to be better at setting boundaries? Are we actually better off in the long run without this person in our life? These are all lessons that cannot be learned without a failure of some kind. In fact, no lesson can be learned without failure. It serves as one of the best teachers.
If we fail at our job, it brings many questions to mind. Were we not prepared as well as we should have been? Are there additional skills we need to learn? Perhaps that career field is not one we are best cut out for? Things we again may never know without experiencing failure. We can use the tools of an open mind and honest reflection to transform any seeming failure into one of the most powerful educating moments of our life. Can you think of a failure that you are grateful for?
I have discussed this topic with all of you before. It is a key tool that we all need for success, but as society advances it seems to become more and more rare. It will help us succeed and accomplish great things, yet it is shunned and looked upon as something negative. Do too much of this and people call you ‘unfocused’ or even ‘lazy’. It is something that I do daily, but do not use it productively. It costs nothing, but could offer a return that is very valuable.
What is the mystery tool of success we are discussing? It does not have a scientific name. At least as far as I am aware. The best term I have heard for it came from my friend Heidi who called it “Duh time”. Does not sound like a key to success, does it? What is ‘Duh Time’? Let me explain how it shows up in my life every morning. You may recognize it in your life as well. I wake up for work at 4am. At that hour, I confess to not being as sharp as I could be. One of the last things I do before leaving the house is put my shoes on. This should take mere minutes. Half awake, I sometimes just sit there staring blankly as if my brain is buffering. That is my ‘duh time’. Quickly, I admonish myself and get moving as not to be late.
What ‘duh time’ represents is an opportunity to allow our brain to organize itself. It is one of the only chances our subconscious mind has to send information to our conscious mind. It is where creativity lives and thrives. Have you ever noticed how when you lay down to sleep your brain is suddenly flooded with great ideas and answers you have worked to find for hours, days or perhaps longer? That is because we busy our minds with trivial matters in an attempt to feel some sort of progress. Now, with the advent of cell phones, even time that was normally used for this purpose has been filled with activity. This leads to stunted creativity and a mind screaming for a chance to rest and recharge.
Even when we experience an unplanned moment of ‘duh time’ such as my morning buffering, we view it with distain. We feel emotions such as guilt and shame that we are not doing something more ‘productive’. The ironic thing is that the more time we spend on focused and undistracted thought, the more productive we will be. In a world where hustle culture is praised, we forget that one thought could save us lots of hustling. This is not to say that work is not required for a successful life. Just that work backed by focused thought would be far more productive.
This quote above can be found, in some version or another, throughout history. It can be found in the bible, with many great philosophers and thinkers. Most of them thought they were the first ones to come up with the idea. What that translates to, is that this is one of the great truths of life. What we continue to focus our thoughts on, that is what we will become. What happens if we do not take time to focus our thoughts at all? Then, it will be very difficult for us to become much at all. That is why allowing ourselves time to think is so important. If you find yourself thinking, “Neil, where on earth am I going to find this time?” I get it. As someone who works 40+ hours a week at a day job, is a DJ on the weekend, is working on his fourth book and now has posted daily over four years straight, time is a premium. If you are worried at making the most of the time you have, you need to devote some of it to letting your mind wander.
Our minds are able to accomplish amazing things, but we must provide them the opportunity to do so. We cannot rely on that moment before we fall asleep, or when we find ourselves in the shower, to let our minds speak to us. First, those moments are not very convenient for recording the information we come up with. Are you really going to get out of bed and write down what you are thinking? Do you have a pen and paper in the shower? What we need is to provide ourselves with a digitally free moment of contemplation. Try this for thirty days. Give yourself a dedicated 30 minutes or more a day for mental gymnastics. You will be amazed at what you come up with. You can do this while you wait in line at the grocery store. Maybe a walk after dinner. Just make sure whenever you do so you have no distractions. Also make sure you record the thoughts that come to you. Many of them will end up being worthless, but it only takes one good thought to change your life.
Today the country of the United States is celebrating its 250th birthday. How accurate that is depends on how you score it. We really did not gain recognition as independent from Britain until 1783. The constitution, which defined the government, was ratified a few years after that. More accurately, it is being described as “The birth of a nation”. What that means is that we are celebrating the brave men above who risked death by signing a document telling the King we no longer wanted him around. In other words, we declared our intent to become independent.
Considering the other dates that I listed above, and the fact that there was a bloody war between the two sides, this declaration was no small thing. It is worth celebrating 250 years later. How does this apply to us? What have you declared in your life? Have you been brave enough to write it down and show it to others? You may not risk death by declaring the start of a health journey or writing down your commitment to your physical fitness. What it will hopefully do is keep you committed. That translates to something very important. When you are committed, you stay true to the goal long after the motivation to do so has passed. Do not want to eat healthy after a long work day? You have a written declaration to do so. Do not want to go to the gym because you are too sore from the last time? You wrote down a declaration, maybe even let others see it, that you were going to commit to that.
What have you declared in your life? Have you stayed true to it, even when you did not feel like doing so? Have you declared anything at all? How about writing down your own declaration? Good areas to think of is your business, your marriage and your family. People spend a lot of time writing down their wedding vows, but what about the rest of your life? What about signing your wedding vows and keeping a framed copy in the house. That way when discord does happen, you can be reminded of what you promised. How about a declaration of health on the bathroom mirror. Even a declaration to become the best version of yourself. All of these, written out and signed, will hold you accountable. Even if you never show them to another soul, seeing your words and your signature should be enough to motivate you to keep your word to yourself.
As the country celebrates this document, thinking of declaring your independence from mediocrity. Declare what kind of person you are going to be in every area of your life! Feel free to share them with others, or just place them where you can see your words and your signature. Do not write a declaration flippantly. Do so with meaning, dedication and purpose.
SECRET 2 AN AMAZING LIFE 