This is an important and much needed reminder. There are so many of us that work so hard to make the world a better place and bring joy to others. Those same people are often the hardest on themselves. Check your inner conversation. Is it motivating? Recently, I noticed that my inner conversation started to lean a little more to the negative than I would care for. I mentioned to Margie, “I need to work on being more positive.” She gave me a look that showed her shock with my statement. I should have been a little more specific. My outer conversation was still very positive. However, my inner conversation was not. Allow me to give you an example. Winter is always difficult for me. The cold, the lack of life, it all has me feeling down. I decided to add a way to help with this. I decided to appreciate the effort and beauty behind the decorations people put up for the holidays.
On the outside I did pretty good. Whether I was with others, or by myself. I would remark, “Wow! That one looks nice.” or “That must have taken a long time.” I did feel better. That was until my inner voice started talking. I am not sure who that person is, but he didn’t have many nice things to say. I heard the voice in my head say, “That one is sloppy.” and “Why did they even bother to put up decorations if they were not going to take their time?” Here I was trying to find beauty and the holiday spirit and my inner dialogue turned into a holiday decoration critic. Then, I started getting down on myself for being negative.
We must remember that we are human. We must be forgiving and compassionate with ourselves. Especially during this busy season. As a solution to combat my newly negative self-talk, I have begun to listen to positive affirmations on the way to work in the morning. It places positive thoughts in my head before my head can come up with negative ones. Remember to be kind to ourselves the rest of the week. In what ways are you kind to yourself?
Sometimes the oldest wisdom can enlighten us most in the present. Take a look at this quote from a Stoic Philosopher. Far too many young people place their value on ‘likes’ on social media. There are people who look at career advancement as a measure of success. Some view the number in a bank balance as an indicator of a successful life. All of these have variables that can slip out of our control. How many people ‘like’ something we put out on social media has so many variables that it is beyond comprehension. It is certainly not an indicator as to the quality of the content. Career advancement? Things such as market volatility, nepotism, and office politics can influence that. Bank balances? One health emergency and that can be upended.
Instead, focus on what we can control. Take the social media example. If you focus on putting out quality content verses likes, when you do have a post go viral, there will be no concern if it will be a good one. The best way to boost your readership is to write something worth reading. Career advancement? Becoming the most valuable employee you can be is something you can control. Learn as much as you can. Develop your people skills. Give them no choice but to promote you. If they still decide to go with their brother instead, you will be positioned to succeed somewhere else. Bank balances? Increasing your financial knowledge and skill is one of the best ways to insure yourself against catastrophe. Even if an emergency wipes out your savings, you will have the knowledge and skills needed to rebuild again, and do so in less time than most.
Whether your concern in life is finance, relationships or legacy, your best course of action is focusing on what you can control. In every situation there are things that are in our control and things that are not. To place value on the former, means less control in your life. To place value on the latter means more control. In the simplest of terms, one of the best things to focus on and put value on is becoming the best version of yourself. In that regard, no matter what outside circumstances hold, you are best positioned for success.
One of the things that Margie and I enjoy doing during the warm weather is visiting different markets. This Sunday, we were at a local farmer’s market and came across a stand we had not seen before. In addition to the offerings this lady was selling, we also were gifted a truly special story. One that I think can benefit us all by a gentle reminder.
At this stand there were two very distinct, and very different items. She was selling specialty dog treats in the shape of human food and crystal decor. As I was letting this bounce around in my head, I just had to ask how she came to be selling such different items at the same stand. The answer was not what I expected, but it might just be what we all need. She explained she had been selling the dog treats for quite some time. Recently, however, she lost her son to suicide. When that happened she began making the crystal decorations as a sort of therapy to help her deal with the pain of her loss. Eventually, a friend of her noticed that her house was starting to fill up and mentioned maybe she should stop.
Not interested in quitting a new-found passion, she decided to add them to her stand where she sold her dog treats. This is where the story takes a decided healing turn. A lady stopped by who had also lost her son to suicide. Sharing that each crystal featured angel wings in honor of the son she lost and some even featured something that said, “A piece of my heart is in heaven.” This was just the memory that the other lady was looking for. This transaction helped bring peace and healing to both ladies. In addition, but selling pieces of art that honor her lost son, it is bringing a little bit of peace to the hearts of everyone who purchases one.
This woman took what might be the most painful event that anyone could experience, and used it to create something that would be bring joy to others, and in the process also brought healing to a person who had experienced the same pain she had. When we share our pain with others, we transmute it into something that will help heal others as well. Pain is something none of us want to experience, but it is also a gift that allows us to help others heal. By sharing our pain, we help ourselves heal as well. This lady’s story brought a powerful reminder to Margie and I about the beauty behind many of the works of art people share. It is also a good reminder to spend time getting to know others by asking about their stories. When we share with each other, we all come out ahead.
This may seem like a morbid thought, but it is actually rather motivating. There is a classic Latin saying that says, “Death is certain. The hour uncertain.” It can come at anytime. Delayed gratification certainly has its place in self-improvement, but it must not come at the cost of our inner peace and joy. While we are striving to become the best version of ourselves, we must do our best to enjoy the process. While you look forward to the future, enjoy the present.
Another way of looking at these sayings is that we should take nothing for granted. Our health, the love we share with our spouse, the friendships we have. Even our job and boss that may drive us crazy at times, can be taken away in a heartbeat. Every ability we have. Every simple pleasure and even every annoyance, can be gone in a second. You may think challenges and problems would be great to be gone. In a strange way, they bring their own kind of joy. If you face a small daily challenge, overcoming that gives you a small victory every day. That is something to be celebrated.
When we delay our happiness until something happens, we live a life of wanting. If we can find joy in the waiting, our life becomes one long celebration. Enjoy the destination as well as the journey. That is the secret to an amazing life. The more moments you can find to celebrate, the better. How can you live a little in the moment? Are you guilty of postponing your happiness? Have you found ways to enjoy the journey? We would love to hear your story!
Changing the world is a goal for so many people. “I sure wish the world was more ____.” We hear so many people say. It seems like an out of reach goal, but really it is not. A big change is many little changes put together. If you just kept your yard in order, that really wouldn’t change too much. Let us say all of your neighbors did the same thing. Suddenly, the neighborhood is transformed. All of you did only one little thing, yet put together it transformed an entire neighborhood. This is how it works on a global scale as well. We may think what we do is too small to make a difference. If everyone who thought that acted anyway, it would make a global difference.
How about you? Are there small acts of kindness or action that you could take? This works especially well in interpersonal relations. One smile to a stranger can have a ripple effect with everyone they meet as well. This can continue on and on transforming many lives by sharing just one smile. In addition, a simple act of kindness can save a life. Have you ever thought of that? That stranger you smile at could be hanging on by a thread. They can be feeling that nobody cares. Your simple act of kindness can give them the hope they need to make it through one more day. In this way, you will touch the lives of so many.
Another great thing about small acts of kindness is there is never a wrong time to do them. One thing that can seem dispiriting is when someone is under a great deal of stress and you strive to say or do something kind and it seems to fail to make an impression. At the time, it may seem like it has no effect. Often, it takes a while to sink in. You may not be around to see the effect of your kindness. That does not mean it is still not worth doing. It would be great if we could all see the effect of the good we put into the world, but we do not have that luxury. If you want to see the effect, look inside. What I mean by that is think of how the good people have done has affected your life. You may not have reacted right away, especially if you are stressed at the moment. It may have occurred to you much later. A feeling of gratitude might have overcome you later. It was still a wonderful feeling, wasn’t it?
Always do what good you can, where you can do it. You may think it will not make a difference. It may seem small to you. When all of the small acts of good and kindness are put together, that is what changes the world. The more of them we do, the quicker the world will change.
A few months ago we have a 30 day gratitude challenge. One of the things that we did not touch on was the question, “What failure are you grateful for?” Most people are familiar with finding good things to be grateful for. It is even rather easy to see how you can be grateful for things that seem benign. Things that we take for granted every day. Such as having a working toilet or clean water. Once we stop and ponder how things would be without them, we find it rather easy to be grateful for them.
What takes a little work is discovering ways in which we can be grateful for the seemingly negative things in our life. I used the word ‘seemingly’ for a reason. On the surface, and certainly at the time, many things can seem negative. We feel hurt, embarrassment or pain. At the moment these things happen, the last emotion we are thinking about feeling is gratitude. How can you feel grateful for failing a test? How about the failure of a relationship? This is becomes even more difficult the longer that relationship has existed. Whether it is a best friend, a lover or a family member. How about failing at work? That can feel terrible. Each one of these, if properly reflected on, can give us a lot to be grateful for.
Failing a test can teach us, and motivate us to study harder. It can open our eyes to what we thought we knew that perhaps we were not as well versed on as we thought. A failure of a relationship can be a tricky one. If we are honest in our reflection, it can teach us a lot. Could we use some work on our interpersonal skills? Our communication? Should we be a more shrewd judge of character? Do we need to be better at setting boundaries? Are we actually better off in the long run without this person in our life? These are all lessons that cannot be learned without a failure of some kind. In fact, no lesson can be learned without failure. It serves as one of the best teachers.
If we fail at our job, it brings many questions to mind. Were we not prepared as well as we should have been? Are there additional skills we need to learn? Perhaps that career field is not one we are best cut out for? Things we again may never know without experiencing failure. We can use the tools of an open mind and honest reflection to transform any seeming failure into one of the most powerful educating moments of our life. Can you think of a failure that you are grateful for?
I have discussed this topic with all of you before. It is a key tool that we all need for success, but as society advances it seems to become more and more rare. It will help us succeed and accomplish great things, yet it is shunned and looked upon as something negative. Do too much of this and people call you ‘unfocused’ or even ‘lazy’. It is something that I do daily, but do not use it productively. It costs nothing, but could offer a return that is very valuable.
What is the mystery tool of success we are discussing? It does not have a scientific name. At least as far as I am aware. The best term I have heard for it came from my friend Heidi who called it “Duh time”. Does not sound like a key to success, does it? What is ‘Duh Time’? Let me explain how it shows up in my life every morning. You may recognize it in your life as well. I wake up for work at 4am. At that hour, I confess to not being as sharp as I could be. One of the last things I do before leaving the house is put my shoes on. This should take mere minutes. Half awake, I sometimes just sit there staring blankly as if my brain is buffering. That is my ‘duh time’. Quickly, I admonish myself and get moving as not to be late.
What ‘duh time’ represents is an opportunity to allow our brain to organize itself. It is one of the only chances our subconscious mind has to send information to our conscious mind. It is where creativity lives and thrives. Have you ever noticed how when you lay down to sleep your brain is suddenly flooded with great ideas and answers you have worked to find for hours, days or perhaps longer? That is because we busy our minds with trivial matters in an attempt to feel some sort of progress. Now, with the advent of cell phones, even time that was normally used for this purpose has been filled with activity. This leads to stunted creativity and a mind screaming for a chance to rest and recharge.
Even when we experience an unplanned moment of ‘duh time’ such as my morning buffering, we view it with distain. We feel emotions such as guilt and shame that we are not doing something more ‘productive’. The ironic thing is that the more time we spend on focused and undistracted thought, the more productive we will be. In a world where hustle culture is praised, we forget that one thought could save us lots of hustling. This is not to say that work is not required for a successful life. Just that work backed by focused thought would be far more productive.
This quote above can be found, in some version or another, throughout history. It can be found in the bible, with many great philosophers and thinkers. Most of them thought they were the first ones to come up with the idea. What that translates to, is that this is one of the great truths of life. What we continue to focus our thoughts on, that is what we will become. What happens if we do not take time to focus our thoughts at all? Then, it will be very difficult for us to become much at all. That is why allowing ourselves time to think is so important. If you find yourself thinking, “Neil, where on earth am I going to find this time?” I get it. As someone who works 40+ hours a week at a day job, is a DJ on the weekend, is working on his fourth book and now has posted daily over four years straight, time is a premium. If you are worried at making the most of the time you have, you need to devote some of it to letting your mind wander.
Our minds are able to accomplish amazing things, but we must provide them the opportunity to do so. We cannot rely on that moment before we fall asleep, or when we find ourselves in the shower, to let our minds speak to us. First, those moments are not very convenient for recording the information we come up with. Are you really going to get out of bed and write down what you are thinking? Do you have a pen and paper in the shower? What we need is to provide ourselves with a digitally free moment of contemplation. Try this for thirty days. Give yourself a dedicated 30 minutes or more a day for mental gymnastics. You will be amazed at what you come up with. You can do this while you wait in line at the grocery store. Maybe a walk after dinner. Just make sure whenever you do so you have no distractions. Also make sure you record the thoughts that come to you. Many of them will end up being worthless, but it only takes one good thought to change your life.
Today the country of the United States is celebrating its 250th birthday. How accurate that is depends on how you score it. We really did not gain recognition as independent from Britain until 1783. The constitution, which defined the government, was ratified a few years after that. More accurately, it is being described as “The birth of a nation”. What that means is that we are celebrating the brave men above who risked death by signing a document telling the King we no longer wanted him around. In other words, we declared our intent to become independent.
Considering the other dates that I listed above, and the fact that there was a bloody war between the two sides, this declaration was no small thing. It is worth celebrating 250 years later. How does this apply to us? What have you declared in your life? Have you been brave enough to write it down and show it to others? You may not risk death by declaring the start of a health journey or writing down your commitment to your physical fitness. What it will hopefully do is keep you committed. That translates to something very important. When you are committed, you stay true to the goal long after the motivation to do so has passed. Do not want to eat healthy after a long work day? You have a written declaration to do so. Do not want to go to the gym because you are too sore from the last time? You wrote down a declaration, maybe even let others see it, that you were going to commit to that.
What have you declared in your life? Have you stayed true to it, even when you did not feel like doing so? Have you declared anything at all? How about writing down your own declaration? Good areas to think of is your business, your marriage and your family. People spend a lot of time writing down their wedding vows, but what about the rest of your life? What about signing your wedding vows and keeping a framed copy in the house. That way when discord does happen, you can be reminded of what you promised. How about a declaration of health on the bathroom mirror. Even a declaration to become the best version of yourself. All of these, written out and signed, will hold you accountable. Even if you never show them to another soul, seeing your words and your signature should be enough to motivate you to keep your word to yourself.
As the country celebrates this document, thinking of declaring your independence from mediocrity. Declare what kind of person you are going to be in every area of your life! Feel free to share them with others, or just place them where you can see your words and your signature. Do not write a declaration flippantly. Do so with meaning, dedication and purpose.
The other night I attended a talk on the brewing history in my city. Indirectly, it was supposed to be focused on the history of one company in particular – Schlitz Brewing Company. Why? The reason is they are going out of business after more than 150 years. In reality, they first went out of business in 1982, a little more about that later. What this talk, among others, taught me is that there is a lot to be learned from our history. It also taught me a few other lessons that I wanted to share with you today.
Schlitz was a brewery founded in 1849 in Milwaukee. I am not going to spend too much time on the history of this company as this is a self-improvement site and not a beer site. It is an interesting story if you want to research it. Through the years the company survived many challenges. This included prohibition where they were forced to develop and sell other products. As late as 1957, they were the largest brewer in the world. What happened? That is where the lessons begin. We will talk about the brewery, but I am sure you will be able to make the connections to how we can apply this to our lives fairly quickly.
In the 1970’s a man who was an accountant, not a brewer, was given major power at the brewery. Lesson one might be to stick to what you know. He somewhat did this as he was a number guy. He decided that instead of battling other brewers to sell the most beer, he would find ways in which they could increase their profit margins. This included swapping out cheaper ingredients and rushing how long it took to prepare the beer. Before we get to what happened at this brewery, let us look at one other company the company had purchased and tried this same experience with before. Primo beer in Hawaii. When they bought the company it had roughly 70% of the Hawaiian beer market. After cheapening the brewing process, in only a few years their market share was down to 20%. They dismissed it as a regional issue. Not learning from your mistakes, or at least pondering what could have caused them would be lesson two.
Meanwhile, on the mainland things were looking great. Profits were up. Beer was being produced quicker and cheaper. Shareholders seemed to be happy. Corporate executives were happy with their bonuses and raises. Only one problem remained. The beer tasted terrible. People noticed. What happens when you start producing an inferior product, even if it is faster and cheaper? People stop buying it. That is exactly what happened in this case. After several years of denial and falling profits (remember they were not good at learning from their mistakes) they went back to the original recipe. It was too little, too late. They first closed their doors in 1982 and sold to a different brewer. Side note, because of the debt this company inherited with the purchase, it also went out of business.
The final lesson, and perhaps the most important one, is the one we can gain by looking at what brought down the company. Sacrificing quality to cut corners. You may be thinking this does not apply to you if you are not a beer producer, or at least a business owner of some kind. Not true. It applies to us all. When we begin to cut corners in any area of our life. It can be performance in our job. It can be cutting corners when it comes to our health. We can cut corners in our relationship. All of these will come back to haunt us in the long run. We may try to go back to being a good employee and showing up to work on time and working hard while we are there. By then, our boss may have made up their mind to move on. We may want to start working out and eating healthy, but the damage to our body may be beyond our ability to repair. In our relationships, hurt may be forgiven, but seldom is it forgotten. As these continue to mount, it can be impossible to overcome, even if we become the most dedicated and loving partner.
The lesson should be abundantly clear. Never sacrifice quality. That is certainly true if you are a business owner. Even more so about ourselves. By delivering the highest quality product, which is the best version of ourselves, we keep the customers happy. This is our boss by being the best employee we can be. It is our own body, and mental health, by taking care of it. It is also our relationships. This is with our family, friends and romantic partner. If we do not take care of our relationships and bring the best version of ourselves, our life will be tough to make it through. Always work to bring the best quality product to market by working to be the best version of you that you can be. Keep all of the customers in your life happy. Your boss, your doctor and your friends, family and spouse.
I want to take a look at these individually. First, let us look at what we are really talking about here. In essence, it is one thing – focus. What is the focus of your life? Have you stopped to ask yourself this question? Here is another question. Will what you are now focusing on matter after you are no longer here? That is called legacy. What your children, your grandchildren and history will remember you for. Those are things that matter. In addition, will what you are now focused on bring you peace and joy. Noticed that I did not say “Will it make you happy?” Lots of things can make us happy but not provide us with peace and joy.
Which will lead us right into the first example. ‘not what we bought, but what we built’. A new car will make us happy. At least in the short term. It will not bring us joy. What is the difference? Happiness I believe is transactional. If this happens, then I will feel this way. Joy, on the other hand, is an emotional state that does not fall victim to circumstance. When you raised a healthy family and earned the respect of those in your life, that gives you a feeling that a flat tire on that new car cannot take away. Building something takes time, discipline and patience. It cannot be bought.
Next is ‘not what we got, but what we shared’. Think of this one. You may think getting something yourself will be a lot better than sharing it with someone else. Not so fast. When people think of you, which is more meaningful to them? What you have or what you shared with them? I have known several wealthy people in my life. Some rather intimately. Never have I stopped and thought, “I like that person because they have a big house or fancy car.” Never. I have known some people who are not financially well-off. They have tended to be some of the most generous people I know because they are so familiar with how lack feels. If you shared half of your peanut butter and jelly sandwich with me, that would stick with me more, and be more impressive, than what car you drive.
This next one is really a good one. ‘not our competence but our character’. Having the ability to do a great many things can make you valuable. That is rather obvious. Being smart, or a good mechanic, can make you friends. Even those friendships seem rather transactional. Being of good character will not only make people want to surround themselves with you, but make you remembered. People appreciate what you can do for them, but they will never forget how you make them feel. It is this very thought that we are reminded of at funerals. The most heartfelt eulogies are not for someone’s skills but for their heart and kindness. They also tend to have a lot more people in attendance.
Lastly, ‘not our success, but our meaning’. We discussed this a little in the last post, but we will look at it again here. What makes a life important? It is not collecting money or accolades. They really only matter to the individual collecting them. If the meaning of your life is to just collect as many things as possible, you are going to end up very rich and very unfulfilled. Not that there is anything wrong with financial abundance. It can be a very valuable tool in the hands of the right people. With greater wealth, you can make greater change. Abundance and wealth are different from riches. When you are an abundant person, you are excelling in most, if not all, areas of your life. Your personal peace, your relationships. What is the meaning of your life? Is it solely for your gratification? Are you here to make an impact? How about a positive difference?
Start asking yourself these questions. Decide to have an important focus in your life. Make an impact and a positive difference on the lives of those around you.
This is a picture of the amazing coffee that I enjoyed with my good friend Nick the other day. Every time we get together, the discussion is always so productive. We encourage each other to ask ourselves the tough questions. We bring new points of view and different experiences to consider. In addition, Nick holds me accountable in many of my projects. That is the benefit of having a friend like him.
This afternoon we found ourselves on the subject of people overcoming great adversity in their lives to go on to both accomplish great things as well as inspire others to do so. He shared a story of a young lady who was a 16 year-old theater student. While preparing for a role in a production, she fell through a door in the stage and become paralyzed from the neck down. As a young person just beginning their life, this had to be devastating. She confessed to crying herself to sleep on many nights. Over the decades that followed, and with intense therapy, she managed to regain use of 4 of her fingers. This may not sound like much, but it allowed her to operate a motorized wheel chair. This gave her a greater deal of autonomy and motivation to continue to push on. Thirty years after her accident, she appeared on stage and sang a song from the production she had been training for on that fateful day when she was sixteen. Something the doctors had told her would never be possible.
For those of you who follow this blog, you know I am a big fan of Inky Johnson. He is a gentleman who trained to be a professional football player since the age of 7. His junior year in college he was told he would be a top pick in the NFL making him an instant multi-millionaire. He called his family who were all living in great poverty and told them the great news. Two games later he suffered an injury that left his left arm paralyzed. This ended any hope of a professional sports career. He is now a prolific speaker sharing his story to inspire others. Again, after much therapy and countless sleepless nights.
My question to Nick, and to myself really, was what was it that makes these individuals able to overcome the challenges they face while so many of us go back to bed if we stub our toe getting out of bed? What is that mindset that allows you to push on long after others would have quit? It is the ability to be resilient. The definition of that word skillfully placed above this paragraph. What allows someone to be resilient and how can we develop more of it? Inky Johnson would credit his faith as a major reason for being able to keep going. That may be a part of it, but those without a spiritual belief have also demonstrated this ability. What allows a person to have the fortitude to make it through sleepless nights, through tears and heartache?
The reason this question kept bouncing around my brain is because pain, loss, and heartache are things all of us will go through at some point. The desire to quit is also something we will all face. That can be the desire to quit a job because you do not like your boss. The desire to quit on your marriage because you and your spouse cannot seem to get along. Giving up on your health journey because you are tired of waking up sore and eating chicken breast. To, of course, giving up on life itself. Being the person that I am, and the mission I have for my life, it is my goal to help people persevere more. Too many of my friends have given up on too many aspects of their life, and sadly some on life itself. That bothers me so greatly it has motivated me to do all that I can to bring as much love and light to the world as I can.
How can we develop the ability to be resilient? The first step is acknowledging that it is a skill worth putting the time in to develop. I think we can all agree that you are always in one of three stages in life. You are heading into a storm of life, in the middle of one or just coming out of one. That is not negative thinking, but realizing that there are always challenges to face. Most of them are not nearly as intense as the two listed above, but some are even greater. One of the things that we can do of the start is to have a vision for our life. If you do not have a destination for your life, how are you going to get anywhere? What is the purpose for you to get out of the bed in the morning? If it is to just pay bills and die, you are not going to be able to withstand what life has to throw at you. If it is to see your grandchildren grow up and bring as much to their lives as you can, that is a far stronger reason.
In addition to developing a strong ‘why’ for your life, developing a strong self-care routine is essential. If we do not take care of ourselves, we will not be able to take care of anyone else in our life. In addition, meeting challenges in the best possible state we can will give us the best chance of overcoming them. That is not something you can do if you do not take care of yourself. I would throw in a study of people who have overcome tragedy themselves. I cannot think of anyone who has made it through something intensely trying that did not want to share what helped them do it with others. Start with watching some of the videos Inky Johnson has on YouTube. If you know someone in your life that has overcome something challenging in their life, ask them for advice. In my second book, Living the Dream, I share several of these stories at the end as inspiration for us all.
If you find yourself in the middle of a circumstance that has you wanting to give up, let me share something that has helped me personally. Knowing the pain and hurt you are experiencing will give you the tools and strategies that can help others in the future going through that same pain will not only help you to keep pushing forward, it will also have you being present enough to learn the lessons that you will pick up along the way. You will emerge a stronger, more credible, and yes a more resilient person on the back end.
One very important note on the end of this post. If you are thinking of giving up, reach out for help. There are times when we need help developing that resilience. It will also give those helping you a feeling a value and purpose. Never give up on yourself. Study resilience. It is something that can and may save your life.
SECRET 2 AN AMAZING LIFE 