A few years back I went to see a counselor for some relationship issues I was having. Not sure how much it helped, but I do recall something she told me that I really found value in. It applies not only to relationships, but life in general. While listening to me discuss all the issues I felt were troubling the relationship, she said “I see what one of your greatest problems is”. The fact that I had just mentioned like three different things seemed not to matter. I was interested. If there was one issue that connected all of these things and by addressing that the relationship could improve on several different levels, well I was all ears. What she said next really confused me a bit. “You’re focusing on the problem too much”. I thought about that for a second. “How the hell can you solve a problem if you don’t focus on it” I thought. Imagining what I must be thinking she took me over to a wall across her office. She pointed and asked “Do you see that nail hole in that wall?” Well it took me a second, but I found it. She asked how bad it affected the wall. Well considering the wall was pretty big and the hole was small I answered not much. Move closer she told me. So I moved closer until I was mere inches from the hole. How does it look on the wall now? The point was fairly clear. Until she had pointed it out to me I really never even noticed it. Then when staring so close at it, the rest of the wall seemed hard to notice. It is focusing on solving the 10% instead of growing the 90%. How many of us do this? Not just in our relationships, but with our jobs, or our cars, or anything really. We seem to focus on what needs to be fixed or what we wish was better instead of appreciating all that is right. Now I am not advocating ignoring any issue or just pretending it doesn’t exist. Just that we must put things in their fair perspective. Problems are only a part of life. Some things are good, some things are not so good. Yet, as we discussed in the post on gratitude, it is important to give attention to that which is working. We may be mad at our spouse for something they said, but if we stop and think of all the nice things they have done or said we realize things are not that bad. Focusing on a challenge can often make that challenge seem bigger and more intimidating than it really is. So focus on a solution and everything that is working. Put your problems in their place. It will help you feel a lot better and make them a little easier to handle.
Tag: Mental Health
THE TIME IS NOW!!
“My creed is: Happiness is the only good. The place to be happy is here. The time to be happy is now. The way to be happy is to make others so.”
-Robert Ingersoll
During breakfast the other day I was part of a conversation as to the obligation to keep company with people and situations that do not bring you joy. To me the notion that you should subject yourself to unpleasant situations merely because that person is your relative, or the situation is something ‘everyone expects you to be at’ is to me antiquated and ridiculous. So I am giving you all an excuse now. If the person or situation does not give you joy, don’t be around them. The reason here is really two-fold. First, we were given this life to enjoy. If you are not enjoying your life, you are wasting your life. Second, you can’t very well bring joy to others if you, yourself are not full of joy. I am not saying there are not people and moments that may be less than a thrill (the dentist comes to mind for me) but if you have honestly done your best to bring joy to the situation and it does not seem to be taking hold, then it is not in line with you living a positive rewarding life. To suffer through an evening with relatives or people you do not enjoy merely out of a sense of obligation does nobody any good. It does not bring joy to the people you are with as it is usually apparent you are not enjoying yourself. Not to mention the joy you could be having and experiencing with good friends. So next time you find yourself dreading another situation ask yourself if you are doing it merely because you feel obligated, and will your presence there do any good? If that is indeed the case, my suggestion is to politely excuse yourself and treat yourself to an evening of fun. Whatever you do, feeling guilty should not be it. Remember if it doesn’t bring you joy, it certainly won’t bring others joy either.
GET OFF THE EXERCISE BIKE!!
Exercise is a great stress reliever, health and life improver. So why would a site dedicated to living a positive rewarding life tell you to get off the exercise bike. Well I am speaking metaphorically. I once heard it said “Worrying is like riding an exercise bike, you get really tired, but you do not get anywhere”. Working with the public affords me a great opportunity to experience a great cross-section of people. Do you know what I noticed? People worry far too much. I found this stat about what people worry about very interesting.
Of all the things that we do worry about
things that never happen 40%
things over and past that can’t be changed 30%
needless worries about our health 12%
petty miscellaneous worries 10%
real legitimate worries 8% Continue reading “GET OFF THE EXERCISE BIKE!!”
THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING HAPPY
Since I started this site I have had a few people tell me, “I like what your doing, but I have no time to be happy. I have to pay the pills and make dinner for my kids. I can’t worry about making myself happy. I have to concentrate on what is important”. That statement surpises me and yet it doesn’t. A lot of the influences we hear tell us that to worry about ourselves and our own happiness is selfish. We are taught to ‘put others before ourselves’. So why is being happy so important? Why should we spend so much time worrying about what makes us or others happy? Well we could look at the scientific facts that have been mentioned in the media so often. A positive attitude helps us live longer, boost our immune system, heal from injury quicker. Even if you have no interest in living a longer healthier life, although I am not sure who wouldn’t, happiness is still more important than most of us realize. It reduces our stress levels and allows us better to face the challenges that always pop up at the most unexpected times. How often we regret reacting to a mild irritation in a severe way just because our thoughts were already focused on some other trouble. It leaves hurt feelings and turns another situation from bad to worse. If we do our best to keep our thoughts focused on the joy that life offers us and adding more to our lives, then we shall see situations as they are. For those of you that are familiar with the Law of attraction, which states like attracts like. It should be apparent why being happy is so important. If you are happy you attract more happiness into your life, if you are unhappy you will be more likely to be faced with negative situations again and again.
So if we are busy focused on our own happiness, what should we bother worrying about others happiness? Well, recently that was shown to me in a dramatic and tragic way. A wonderful co-worker of mine took his own life a few days ago. When such an event happens we are always left with the same questions “how could I not know?”, and “What could I have done?”. Truth is, most of the time there is nothing we could have done, and no way we would’ve known. In this case by all accounts this gentleman was filled with good humor and had a real zest for life. Which stresses the importance even more. We never know what is going on in someones world. So consider that when dealing with the cheery lady at the coffee shop, or the grumpy cashier at the grocery store. We are never sure when someone may need that genuine compliment, or sign of gratitude from us. How important can happiness be? It can be a matter of life and death, for both ourselves and those we care about.
SIMPLE IS THE BEST
Often I am asked what is the easiest way to bring a more positive outlook into your life. I stress doing little things everyday until they become a habit is one of my favorite ways to start. To that end, a good friend brought to my attention another great thing I recommend printing out and placing on the bathroom mirror, next to the coffee maker or wherever you will see it everyday. Try reading this simple 5 line mantra every morning. ideally you should try to feel the emotional truth behind each statement, however even reading it will change the outlook on the day. Again, like all of the tools offered here, I recommend reading it first thing in the morning and last thing before you fall asleep as this when the mind is most susceptible to suggestion. This mantra is from a book by Catherine Ponder a great author I suggest looking into.
I AM health, strength, peace, happiness and prosperity
I AM strong, well, vital
I AM beautiful, peaceful, poised
I AM eternally youthful
I AM happy and free
Now try reading those five lines first thing every morning, and last thing every evening. It should take all of 1 minute, what could be quicker and easier than that? Try it for 21 days and notice what happens when you start to remove years of negative programing. Trust me, you will not want to stop.
A HAPPY CD
This little project takes a few minutes, but to be honest can offer years of rewards. Everyone, no matter how positive or enlightened has a bad day. Just the other day I was informed my job may be eliminated. It happens, sometimes outside circumstances throw us for a loop. What to do then? There are steps we can take to ‘soften the blow’ of these less than cheery days. Working with either your gratitude journal, or vision board is far more effective when you are in a positive state of mind. So I strongly suggest in being proactive and having several tools ready for days when we are just not on top of our game, for whatever reason.
Music has a strong influence over how we think and feel. Everyone has different tastes. In fact, my sister and I regularly debate the merits of different musical artists. Weather you like rock or country, jazz or hip-hop, there are songs we all enjoy dancing to and that make us feel happy and alive. Now I’m not talking about just songs like “Don’t worry, be happy” although if that works for you, use it. One of my favorite is “Toes” by Zac Brown as it makes me think of a tropical vacation. Whatever your taste, take time to compile a list of all the songs that inspire you. This can be done in an afternoon or over several days. Then either burn them all onto a cd, or add a playlist to your favorite mp3 player. My only caution is to avoid songs that contain angry or negative lyrics. Not to say that music does not have merit, I certainly find some to be great for working out to, but in this case keep it happy and uplifting. Then when sad, angry or anxious feelings come knocking, as they do for us all, you have an hour or so of music that can alter your state. Now I am not saying this will fix or even change whatever is the cause of your feelings, but it can but you into a better state to deal with them. Combine this with some of the other tools we have listed or that are yet to come and you will conquer whatever life will throw at you! Stay strong, stay positive my friends!
THE OPTIMIST CREED
Quite often I am asked if there are any “quick fixes” for starting or maintaining a positive rewarding life, well here is something I believe can truly help. First published in 1912 in a book titled “Your Forces and How to Use Them” I encourage everyone to print this off and read it every morning upon waking, and every night before retiring to start and end the day on a good note, with good focus.
THE OPTIMIST CREED
Promise yourself…
to be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind
To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet.
To make all your friends feel that there is something worthwhile in them.
To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.
To think only of the best, to work only for the best and to expect only the bestl.
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.
To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
To wear a cheerful expression at all times and give a smile to every living creature you meet.
To give so much time to improving yourself that you have no time to criticize others.
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.
To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud word, but in great deads.
To live in the faith that the whole world is on your side, so long as you are true to the best that is in you.
weather you take a line a day or try to do it all, this is a great tool to help us all remain positive and bring light and love to the world!
falling off of a cliff
one interesting thing about living a positive and more rewarding life, and one you should be prepared to face once you venture on this path is challenges. Ironicly I am not speaking of lifes challenges to your positive spirit, although there is sure to be some of those, but people challenging the validity of being positive. At first this made no sense to me. Why would anyone not like a positive person? What is wrong with trying to live a life that is not only more self satisfying, but rewarding to others as well? We shall look to answer those questions and more in a future post, but I want to share with you an example of just such a situation that a coworker approached me with the other day. “what good is a positive attitude if it doesn’t change anything?” she asked me. “What do you mean?” the example she gave me seemed to shed light on one person’s view on the world. “Well, if a negative person and a positive person both fall off a cliff, will they not both hit the ground and die no matter what kind of attitude they have?” This is a good question. I think the answer may be found in the ‘life to years and not years to life’ paradigm. While it is true a positive attitude sure can help your longevity, my goal is to help you enjoy whatever time you have here, be it long or short. So what was the answer I gave this lady? Before I answer that, let me remind you of a very important lesson. People who disagree, challenge and maybe even mock or dislike you for trying to better yourself are more a reflection of themselves then of you. I know this thought may not help in the moment, but always look for the lesson. Are they forcing you to look at things a new way? Are they showing you why it is important to maintain a cherry disposition? Either way, be grateful for they are teachers wether they know it or not. My answer by the way, “Yes, they both will die, but who do you think will have more fun on the way down?” So remember, it is important to have fun every day, you never know what cliff may be around the corner!
SECRET 2 AN AMAZING LIFE 