There are lots of things that are posted on here that may be issues I am struggling with myself. This happens to be one of them. It is a very interesting dilemma that was brought to my attention by both a coworker and a very good friend. Who do you talk to when you are feeling bad, anxious or nervous about something in your life? Do you have a few certain people you confide in? Perhaps you just write in a journal. let me tell you what I do. The reason I am sharing this is so you will not do it as well. Most people see me as the guy that is “happy all the time” first of all that is not exactly true which is an issue we discussed in the post titled ‘frequently asked question’. The fact remains that shockingly I live in the real world too and sometimes it just sucks. not very inspiring I realize, but true. So what does Neil do when I am in a bad mood? Well the thought process in my head, which can be scary at times, goes something like this. “I’m the guy that likes to make everybody happy, but now I am not happy” “well, you can’t be the person who makes everyone unhappy and brings them down” “maybe you should just not be around people until you are happy again” Let me tell you this is really the wrong way to handle things for several reasons. There are a lot of people who say “I prefer to handle problems on my own” That statement is an excuse. what it usually translates to is “I’m afraid to make myself vulnerable and let other people see me when I am hurting” or in my case and several other giving people I know “Everybody is dealing with their own problems I don’t want to be a ‘Debbie downer'” it is true that nobody enjoys being around somebody who is always down. It is also true that everybody has bad days. When you are more of a giver you tend to see other people’s problems greater than your own. I remember a situation when I stopped myself from sharing why I was having a bad day because of work issues with a friend of mine because they had just broken up with their boyfriend which I figured was truly more painful than what I was going through. I didn’t want to ‘bother’ my friend with my little problem. Then I heard a story about two guys going out for dinner and one fellow who was a little better off refusing to let the other fellow buy. While he felt he was being considerate he forgot to think about how his actions may affect the other man. “How dare you!” yelled the second man. He felt he was being deprived of the honor of treating his friend for dinner. The other man was thinking that since he had more money he would just pay. Unfortunately this only accentuated the other person’s financial situation. it made him feel like he was taking advantage of the fact that his friend had more money. Obviously this was not the first man’s intent at all. I must confess again, I can be guilty of this very crime. When your behavior tends to lean toward being a giver it can be hard to receive yet by graciously receiving a gift from someone with gratitude you are also giving that person a feeling of joy from giving as well. This was a material example, but the same holds true for what this post is really about. Sharing things that may be bothering you. When you keep problems bottled up inside you are depriving your friends of the feeling of being helpful, needed and a valuable friend. Of course that is not our intent, we just do not want to add to their list of things to worry about or be concerned about. Yet, it conveys a feeling of trust, closeness and demonstrates you either value their opinion or just their ability to listen. Now do not get me wrong, sometimes some solitude and time to think come in handy. As does writing in a journal which we discussed last week. But let us remember we must all be a giver and a receiver. When someone never is allowed to help you they may feel uncomfortable sharing their problems with you out of fear of the friendship being one-sided which will only lead to a distance between friends and a weakening of the friendship. Remember sometimes receiving help can be giving a gift to those who offer it. When you accept that gift whether it be dinner, or just the gift of their time with gratitude and humility you are creating a win/win situation and bringing the friendship closer together. So next time I am having a problem I think I will reread this email and do a little better at receiving.
Tag: Thought
REVISTING AN OLD FRIEND..
In several past posts I have mentioned the benefits of keeping a journal. If you are not a regular follower of this blog in addition to me telling you that you should be, let me recap for you quickly some of the benefits. One, it is the cheapest and easiest therapist you can employ. Even the fanciest journals generally cost lest than one visit to a professional therapist. Two, there can provide clarity when our thoughts are going in a million different directions all at once. They also can help you focus on and see the challenges you are facing, and in going back and rereading, if you so desire, can give you examples of past challenges you have overcome. They also can highlight things you have to be grateful for. it can also be a great place to hold a conversation you may not trust to anyone else. It is the perfect ‘old friend’ it doesn’t judge. it is completely unbiased and will listen as long as you care to talk/type/write.
The reason I bring this up today is the past three days we have looked at sources of inspiration and motivation that we can have delivered to us daily. Well in addition to keeping us focused, moving us towards our goals and keeping our spirits up these daily bits of information can be used to help formulate our thoughts for a journal entry. What did the daily inspiration remind you of? How did it influence your day? What do you think about the thought and opinion expressed in general. if you are using the day by day calendar, you can even tape or glue the page right in your journal. Once we start thinking and writing amazing things can happen. If you are not already keeping a journal I strongly encourage you to start now!
WORK YOUR PASSION!
When I talk to people about living their passion a lot of them assume I am telling them to do it for a living. While it is true you can really make a career out of anything that is not what I am suggesting entirely. Though if you do happen to find yourself seeking a way to make a living your passion may not be a bad place to start. So you have discovered your passion. Either through the exercises we discussed yesterday or if you happen to be lucky like me you fall into it during a glass of Captain Morgan and a conversation with two beautiful and amazing friends. Either way, what now? here is my suggestion. Think of how you would most like to involve this passion in your life. Let us take the model train example. perhaps your goal is to have a large model train display you can work on in your spare time. write that down as your ultimate goal, now begin to work backwards. What would you need to do/have to make that happen. If your mind immediately goes to “a lot of money I do not have” you are not thinking positively on your passion. In this case, being that I know very little about model trains I will try to make my best guess. You would need large pieces of wood to set the tracks and buildings on. You would need the trains. How many? You would want buildings. What kind? Crossings? Develop a plan. make a list of all the things you would want and need. now perhaps a couple of hours a week you can work on slowly putting this together. Go window shopping at the hobby store to get ideas, make a list and draw a sketch of how you would like it to look. Say you would like to turn this into a career. you could write a book about your adventures in setting up your display or put together an online video series on how to set up model trains.
let me tell you a more personal example. When my two friends helped me realize that my passion was bringing joy to others and helping them see the beauty in themselves it became an obsession. Especially keeping in mind the words Alysa said about “To bad there are not more people like you” for a brief second I contemplated cloning until I realized I knew little or nothing about the science that goes into that. not to mention we might run into identity theft problems. Seriously though in short order I realized the obvious short-coming in my passion. If you did not come into my post office or bar, or I did not come to you how could I bring you joy? How could I assist you in discovering and appreciating the beauty that is inside of you. How could I help someone in Brazil as well as helping someone in Greenland? Then the idea of starting this blog came to me. You know you are living your passion when pieces fall into place. Shortly after making this decision I reconnected with another amazing friend Kristina. Not only did she know quite a bit about blogs she encouraged me to write a book as well. Since then there has been ideas for audio cd’s as well as online video series. Although I must confess I think my appearance lends itself better to the audio. The point here is I have never been more excited to wake up than I am now. I still work at the post office and the bar, but adding this passion to my life has added more joy, energy and enthusiasm to my life than I can hope for. So write down your goal and begin to work backwards. Work all the way back until you can start thinking of steps you can take today, right now to put you on the road to living your passion. Then take one! As my mentor Tony Robbins says, “never leave the sight of a goal without at least taking one action towards its fulfillment” Not only will it jumpstart your passion it will give you momentum! Have a great weekend and we will see you on Monday!
ONE SECRET KEY…
In life there are many tips and tricks we can employ to assist us in living a better life. Among these there are the few secret keys that can have a radical effect on several areas of our life, but changing just one thing. Today we are going to discuss one of these. The funny thing about these keys is they are often deceptively simple. How would you like a trick that could make every business meeting more productive? Every moment with a friend or loved one more enjoyable? Every difficult situation go a little more smoothly? Of course you would. Who wouldn’t? not anyone reading a blog like this one I am sure. Here is this key, simple and to the point – a sense of purpose – Now what do I mean by a sense of purpose? Decide ahead of time what you want out of any situation. Perhaps you have to make a call to apologize to a friend you may have upset. Before you dial the number take a second to decide what it is you want to solve in this phone call. Do you wish to convey that fact that you feel terrible about hurting this person’s feelings? Do you wish to find a plan for the future so this doesn’t happen again? Or is your goal to just repair the friendship at all costs? Repeat your goal over and over in your mind for several minutes before you actually call. Perhaps you may even wish to write it down so you can have it in front of you? Then while you are in the middle of the conversation you thoughts and words are directed to your desired outcome. If the conversation starts to get off track, think of your goal and how you can steer it back.
Now this does not only have to be a ‘problem solving’ issue like stated above. It can work wonders in almost every other area of your life as well. On your way home from work, decide what you desire out of the evening with your spouse or family. Is it to convey your gratefulness for their love and support? Is it to show them that they are loved? Or is it simply to avoid screaming at them in frustration? The last one is kind of a joke, as you know from former posts I am always insistent on stating things in the positive. Especially goals! Now think of instead of dreading going into that boring work meeting you say to yourself, “What do I wish to get out of this meeting?” decide on that and the meeting may take on a whole new look. Say you are meeting your friend for coffee or dinner just to be social. Think of what you may wish to discuss with this friend. Do you wish to inquire on the health of their family? Let them know how grateful you are that you are friends? Perhaps even encourage them to finish that book they have been writing. That last one may have been a hint for my friends. now, the point here is if we enter any situation with a clearly defined desired outcome it may make fun times that much more enjoyable and the hard times a little more bearable. The point here is not to obsess. you do not have to have a goal for going to the bathroom other than the obvious, or for enjoying a rum and coke, which for me is rather obvious as well. Just try to add a few more into your life and you will notice how quickly your life can improve!
Write a letter
No this is not some stunt to help the postal service I work for. It is, however a great exercise to develop introspection, appreciate how far you have come, what you have accomplished and to set your focus and determination for future goals. How can all this be accomplished? By writing two simple letters. Here is the idea, you can do it all at once, or break it into two separate ideas. Pick a moment when you will not be pressured by time. Sit down with a pen and a sheet of paper, or in front of a blank document on your computer. Those of you who are regular readers of this site will know I urge you to go with the pen and paper because it creates more of a mind-body connection and helps you take time to focus your thoughts, but the main idea is to do the activity so whatever you feel most comfortable with, go with that one. Ok, here you are in a quiet room or busy Starbucks, wherever it is you do your best thinking. You are either staring down at a blank computer screen, or a blank sheet of paper. now what? Think back to a time when you were a very young child. Say three or four when you were just starting to comprehend your way around the world. You have already learned to walk and most of us to talk pretty well, though after a few cocktails I still doubt that ability in myself. Think of that child and everything they have to face in that period of their life. What advice would you give them? What do you wish you would have known growing up at that age? What were you most proud of? What things do you most regret? Just start writing. Spill out all of your thoughts and feelings. Remember you are writing this letter to you, so feel free to be perfectly honest. Who should you have been kinder to? Who should you have avoided? Now move ahead a few years. You are ten or eleven, just starting to leave childhood behind and have your first glimpse of what being an adult might be like. Think of what you thought you knew then, and what you wish you would have known. Remember as you moved through your teenage years all the heartbreak you would suffer and disappointment you would feel. What kind of encouragement would you have given yourself? When you felt like you wouldn’t have made it, like you wanted to give up. If only you could have shown yourself that you did make it through and that you would make it through even tougher struggles. Continue this letter all the way up through your life yesterday. What would you have told yourself if you could have seen tomorrow? Was it to hug someone a moment longer, or to end that argument far sooner? Ok, sign your letter “Love me” if this feels odd to you, remember you must love yourself. At the end of the day, no matter how much we love someone we are always left with ourselves. We must give complete love to ourselves in order to give it to others.
Now, perhaps you wish to save this step for another day. find yourself in that same place where you do all of your great inner contemplation. begin another letter to yourself, but this time think of what you might want to say to yourself the moment before you pass away. If you had only moments left before your life expired what would you want to share? Would you ask questions? Maybe apologize for wasting so much time in anger and sadness instead of enjoying the life you had? Would you regret a dream you did not chase? A goal you did not achieve? Perhaps you may regret spending all of your time trying to achieve goals and failing to notice and appreciate the beauty around you? Who would you miss? Who do you wish you would have said “I Love you” to one more time? How about “I’m sorry” or “thank you”? what parting words would you leave yourself with? Take care old pal? See you on the other side? or just a simple I love you? Now put these letters in separate envelopes labeled ‘past’ and ‘future’ or ‘young’ and ‘old’ however you care to do it. then store them somewhere safe. In a diary or a special book. A locked drawer. Wherever is special to you. Then when your life feels unsure, when you feel defeated, like there is no way to make it through the struggle you are facing. Pull them out and read them. Think of what an older you may say to you years down the road. Or what a younger you may think of how you are moving along. This can be a very emotional and revealing process, but it can also be a very healing process. just give all of you to it and you will be amazed at what it gives back.
Don’t think about it
Everyone has heard of the value of positive thinking. In fact one of the best books one can read is “The Power of Positive Thinking” by Norman Vincent Peale. That being said there is a problem with positive thinking. I believe it was Tony Robbins who said “The problem with Positive thinking is you have to think about it” What we need is a change in perspective. You must train your brain to think as many positive thoughts in a row. Our brains have been trained since birth to find the problem in any situation in order to fix it. This kind of thinking sure does have its benefits, but it also has its drawbacks. First, it keeps us focused on what is ‘wrong’ with any situation in our lives, which in turn prevent us from focusing on what is right and beautiful. Second it creates neural pathways in the brain that keeps us focused on our problems instead of our blessings. It has been said that people routinely focus on the ten percent that is wrong in their lives to the detriment of the ninety percent that is right. Initially that sounds hard to believe, but just imagine having a toothache while on a vacation in a tropical paradise you have won and you get the idea. It is not our fault that we think this way. When we are young our parents teach us what not to do and how to address problems that may arise in life, which is surely good advice. Then in school far more intention is placed on correcting our deficiencies than growing our talents. The same holds true in the working world. So how do we change this life-long way of thinking? Start employing several of the ideas listed here especially the one in the post entitled ‘Start out easy’ which will help us focus on the positive aspects and events in our lives. Second, here is a fun game you can try with yourself. The first time I tried this is shocked me how ‘badly’ I did. That being said remember you are fighting against a learned behavior that has been ingrained over years, decades, maybe even longer. So be patient with yourself. The idea here as with all of my posts is to have fun while working your way towards a more amazing life. Here is the game. Try to think as many positive thoughts as you can in a row. These can range from “My what a beautiful garden” to “I am so grateful for my dog”. As soon as a negative thought pops up you must start over. You will be surprised at the amount of negative self talk going on inside your head. Again, be patient with yourself. When I first started this I thought to myself “Hey Mr. amazing life blog writer, Mr. happy book author, you’ve got this” My personal record for the day…five. Yes that’s right I could not get past the fingers on one hand. So why play this game? To depress us with how negative our thinking really is? No, to begin to retrain our brains to incorporate the positive as well as the challenging. Life is all about balance and dancing around like Mary Poppins is not going to help us learn and grow. That being said neither is sulking like Eeyore. One other interesting fact that I happened to notice is how insane some of the negative thoughts that honestly would pop up in my head without me even noticing. I think if counting how many times I called myself stupid, dumb and countless other things in my own head during this test I would’ve needed fingers and toes. Not only did I notice those thoughts as ‘ruining my streak’ but noticed how ridiculous they sounded. I made a mistake and was usually harder on myself than anyone else it affected was on me. So be patient with yourself, have fun with this and let’s see if you can beat five!
THE IMPORTANCE OF ACTING LIKE A FOOL
Yesterday we spoke of doing things from our youth and how it can prevent our minds from growing old. There is another way to keep our minds young and flexible. Acting crazy. Now before you think I am going to suggest something that would land you in jail or a nice comfortable padded room with a jacket that fastens in the back, let me explain. What way to you drive to work? Have you ever arrived there and not remembered anything about the trip there? Providing you arrived sober let me explain what happened. When we travel the same course five or six days a week it becomes almost ingrained in our mind how to get there. So much so that much of the duty of arriving there safely is delegated to the subconscious mind. Think of the act of driving itself. When we first learned to drive our minds were on overdrive. There seemed so much to pay attention to. How fast are we going, don’t look at that too long, check the review mirror every 8 seconds. After a few months we pretty much just get into our car and well, drive. We don’t think about making sure our foot is on the brake before we put it into drive. It all seems to happen automatically. So what is the problem with this? Well, when we lose our focus on the present two major things occur. One like physical exercise if we use our brain for the same things over and over again we plateau. We cease making new pathways in our brain and it fails to get a workout. How many times has a new business opened up on the path to your work and you fail to notice until somebody else points it out to you? Just because you are not looking for something you ‘know’ is not there. The other thing that happens is we fail to appreciate the beauty of the present. A lot of what we do on a daily basis is nothing short of a miracle and was considered, even by ourselves in the beginning, to be a monumental task.
So, how can we avoid getting in these ruts? How can we keep our brain sharp? I am going to take a lesson from the Shaman. For those of you who do not know Shamans were spiritual, and sometimes political leaders of indigenous Peoples. Quite often people would think of them as crazy. They would do things like walk backwards, eat hot food cold and cold food hot, wear ridiculous outfits, or even say things that seemed to make no sense. This all was part of the way of keeping the shamans mind from falling into a rut. Now I am not suggesting you come into work dressed in drag as the boss may frown. What I am suggesting is do a few things to shake up your routine. Take a slightly different path to work. Eat a breakfast meal for dinner. Most of the things we do out of habit are really not all that serious. It will give your mind a jolt and keep it sharp!
DENTAL PAIN AND THE CLARITY OF PAIN PILLS…
How many of us can remember our last toothache? Well it seems you just can’t focus on anything else. I remember being at my dentist having a bridge put in. In is not only a rather uncomfortable experience, but I think by the time we were done my wallet was hurting. What was odd, and what I took away from that experience was a very valuable lesson. In the middle of some drilling, grinding and I think maybe a pick axe was involved somewhere the dentist keen eye of observation picked up on the fact I was less than comfortable. He said “can I ask you one question?”. Personally I was hoping it was something about sedation dentistry or laughing gas, but he simply asked me, “How does your leg feel?”. I managed to change my expression from contorted pain to a slight ‘are you out of your mind’ type look. He went on to ask me specifics “it’s not numb is it?” “good elevation for you leg?” I started to worry if maybe he hit the laughing gas before we started. Every few moments this process was repeated. After the procedure he explained to me that it helps take the patients focus of the ‘discomfort’ they are feeling in their tooth and he tries to get them to really focus on other things. As the pain pills started to kick in I began to formulate some brilliant ideas. Some were interesting things you could do with rum, but I’ll save those for if you come visit me at the bar. No the whole concept of focus and the power it can have came into a crystal clear euphoria. How many of us have been in a disagreement with someone close to us? Ok, I think that pretty much covers everyone. Even if you think the world of the person you are in the disagreement with, all you can think about is what they have done to upset you. How about suddenly trying to recall the last thing they did that made you very happy. Would that change the course of the discussion? When we are in a disagreement with people it can be borderline impossible to remember all the fun we may have shared. Has this every happened to you, you have a disagreement with your husband or wife. Suddenly you notice every thing they do seems to annoy you to know end? It all has to do with the state we are in. When we are thinking or stewing on some difference of opinion, we seem to notice every little thing that bothers us about that person. So how to change this. I would start by thinking of the people you are most likely to get in a heated discussion with. Usually, ironically these tend to be those closest to us. Start by composing a list, either mental, or written. I suggest written because when you are in the middle of an argument it can be hard to get off that track. You might even just randomly mention to them how much you appreciate those things. Then when discord pops up, you have a list to refer to in order to change your state. Having that opposition helps you better maintain a rational mindset in the face of anger or sadness. In the next blog we will examine how to apply this technique to other areas of your life.
THE POSITIVE POWER OF NEGATIVE THINKING…
At first glance this may seem like a paradox. After all, how can negative thinking be anything but…well negative? Let’s face it, positive thinking can empower us to do a lot of things. Being positive minded 100% of the time is not only unrealistic, but not very healthy for growth either. I would say a good healthy mix is 95/5. So why are negative feelings so ‘good’ for us. They can serve to vital and very important purposes. First, they let us know what is not working. There is something in our life that is currently not meeting our standards. Why is this important? Let me explain it with a situation we can all relate to, going to the doctor. Why do you go to the doctor? The answer usually is “because something is wrong”. Noticing this means you have had bad physical feelings. Whether they are nausea, pain, or some other not so pleasant feeling it let you know something is not as it should be. If you are anything like me the very next question to the doctor is “How can we make this go away?”. That leads us to the second great thing negative feelings can do for us. They can motivate us into action. In the case of the doctor visit, to do what actions are necessary to heal our condition. The same holds true for any condition in life. If we notice something in our life is causing us a noticeable amount of grief, get excited! Excited about grief Neil? Are you crazy? Well, yes I am crazy, but here is why you should get excited. Our bodies are designed to use feelings as warning signs. Such as pain so you don’t leave your hand on the hot stove, or nausea so you don’t keep drinking the expired milk. These may seem like a pain at first, after all who likes to burn their hand? Yet if we didn’t have the pain we could leave our hand on the stove until it cooks right off. Interesting thing is our minds do the same thing. Ever wonder why certain things make you feel sad or angry. That is our mind and spirits way of telling us something is wrong with them. It is a warning sign, just like the burn on the hand. We must decide what is causing this upset and act to correct it. Now here is where negative emotions can be a double edge sword. When trying to discover what would work to eliminate our discomfort we must think in a positive, solution oriented frame of mind. For example, I had a friend who had recently given her all into a relationship that she felt had true potential, but when push came to shove the man she was in a relationship with did not feel the same. I heard her utter phrases like “I’m never going to get into a relationship again, that way I won’t get hurt again” Haven’t we all felt this way at one point or another? I know I have. In this situation she was willing to sacrifice all the pleasure a healthy relationship could provide her to escape the pain of another possible unhealthy one. This may seem like a solution on the surface, but what it really amounts to is giving up. If there is one thing you don’t want to give up on it is your own life. So make negative emotions our servants, not our masters. Let us use them for clarity and motivation, but not dwell in them. So next time you find yourself upset, remember the positive power of negative thinking!
A NEW USE FOR AN OLD FRIEND…
Anyone who reads this blog or knows me personally knows that I am a big fan of keeping a journal. There are several reasons why. It is a great way to vent. It may be an easier way for someone who has trouble expressing their feelings. It is a great way to gain a little clarity when things seem overwhelming and confusing. All of these are true, but a friend of mine recently gave me a great idea of a new benefit you can gain from writing down your thoughts and feelings. Continue reading “A NEW USE FOR AN OLD FRIEND…”
SECRET 2 AN AMAZING LIFE 