I am not sure this is the most valuable skill to learn, but it does rank up there. Resilience is a vital skill that not only helps us survive, but thrive. It is a skill that not only has to be developed, but maintained. Learning that we have control over our inner environment is a remarkable change in mindset. Yes, challenges can knock us down. It is learning not to stay down that makes all of the differences. Discovering ways to turn negative experiences into motivating or productive moments is the key to success.
Listening to the words of our friendly Roman emperor above, we can see how this skill can be developed. Many of us busy ourselves trying to control a world that is outside of our…well…control. We cannot control the environment, the thoughts and actions of others or a million other variables. What we have complete control over is our interpretation of them. Will we use them as an excuse not to push forward or will we look for a way to put them to work for us? A great first step is learning how to put challenges behind us quickly. We can them revisit them for the lesson when the emotional sting is not that strong.
In what way do you develop the skill of being resilient? Let us share all of our tools and strategies so that we may learn from each other. When you see someone else who is struggling to develop this skill, offer your encouragement. While we are learning to believe in ourselves, the belief of others can go a long way.
These are 3 items that will change your life. Putting them to use in any area that you are working to improve will help immensely. We will break them down one by one and take a look at why it is important to learn and use each one in life. The picture alludes to a physical benefit, but it holds true in any area of your life. Let us take a look at some personal examples and how we can put it to work for us.
Discipline. This is one of the most powerful skills you can develop. Mike Tyson once famously said, “Discipline is doing what you hate to do, but doing it like you love it.” Perhaps ‘hate’ is a strong word, but working out after a long day or when you are still sore from your last workout can come close to something you hate to do. If we reserved action for when we felt like it or when we felt motivated to do so, how often would we act? Not nearly enough to make any useful progress towards our goal. When you learn to be disciplined, you are on your way to being able to accomplish any goal.
Routine. When you can develop a routine of action, it can make it easier to stick with your discipline. Personally, I go to the gym every Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday. My family knows this. My lady knows this. It keeps me from having to think too much. When we get stuck in our head with planning and other aspects of success, it can prevent us from taking action. Setting up a routine allows you to schedule success. This makes the likelihood of success that much greater. This is the same with meal prepping. Having a routine of scheduling healthy meals ahead of time takes a lot of the guess work out of progress.
Consistency. This last one can be the most difficult for many of us. Sticking with something and trusting the process even when you don’t see quick results. We expect years of unhealthy behavior to be erased in a month of diet and exercise. No, lifestyle change is what we need. Sticking with a behavior and celebrating small wins is the key to success. Going hard for a short period of time is not as good as steady consistent effort. Running 20 miles one day will not help our health as much as running one mile for 20 days straight. The same holds true for diet, self-care and anything else you are doing to improve your life. Be consistent and trust the process. Even when the results are not coming as fast as you would like. If you quit, you will never win. Do not give up!
Why is it so important to develop these three skills? In doing so, as the picture above states, we will become the asset! All of our material possessions, and positions of power, can be taken from us in the blink of an eye. The skills we develop in our mind, heart and spirit stick with us forever. If you develop these three skills and everything is taken from you, even unfairly, you have the foundation to build it back again. What is more important to focus on, things that can be taken from us, or skills we will keep forever? I think we all know the answer to that question.
Another great quote from one of my favorite Stoics. How many of us judge the success of our days, or our lives, by how much we harvest? How much money did we make? How much power and influence did we earn? Did we get that promotion? Did we get affection and love from our partner? Did our friends praise us? Not only does this cause stress, it can make us a self-centered jackass. If only there was a way to handle our life and decide whether it was successful that was less stressful and moved us closer to becoming the best version of ourselves.
There is! That is how many seeds we planted. What on earth does this analogy mean? Looking at the examples above, let us figure that out. How much money did we make? What if we instead looked at how much we invested? What we did that may help us earn money in the future? Did we review our budget? Did we get that promotion? How about the work we put in that will separate us from our coworkers and show what a valuable employee we are? Setting us up to earn promotions in the future? How much power and influence did we earn? This is a tricky one because it is rarely understood by those looking for power and influence. One of the best ways to get both is to find as many ways as you can to be of service. The more you can give to any situation, the more valuable and significant you are. Next we can combine the relationships of our intimate partner and our friends. Why? The solution is pretty much the same. If we are looking for love and affection, or we are looking for praise, we must ask ourselves what we did to earn it. I can tell you on a personal level, when I do something that will bring joy, peace or love to my Margie, my heart soars! Not only that, I usually receive a healthy dose of love in return. When I can do something to help my friends, or express genuine appreciation for them, it results in a reciprocation. That is not the reason you should do it. Always be genuine, but the best way to earn the respect of others is to show them respect.
One important lesson of all of these is that you have little control over how the harvest of your life turns out. Just like growing crops, some years will be better than others. What you have entire control over is the seeds you plant and how well you take care of them. What do you think would be less stressful, putting all of your energy and importance into the harvest, over which you have no control or the planting over which you have complete control? Ask yourself what seeds have you planted today.
If you are a sports fan, you know what the fourth quarter is all about. Time is running out in the game. The chance for victory or defeat is getting tighter. Have you noticed how players seem to rise to the occasion during the last few minutes of a game? It is as if their minds become sharper, their bodies cease to feel the pain or tiredness that was starting to catch up to them. We have all seen teams that were down by what seemed like impossible odds comeback to, as they say, steal victory from the jaws of defeat.
The same holds true in the corporate world. The fourth quarter of a corporate year is when profit margins must be met. It would seem people’s talents come out then as well. Creative solutions that seemed to escape us throughout the year are forced to the surface as deadlines rapidly approach. Again, we seem to steal energy and be able to work a little harder and a little longer. We can wrap up projects we have been laboring away at in the first three quarters.
Most of us know about the two examples above. We have seen it happen, or maybe even been a part of it. What we may not realize it that it happens in other areas of our life as well. Relationships suffer the same fate. It is often not until divorce or a break-up is on the horizon that effort is put into the relationship. When the end is near, then we scramble to fix it. How many of us have heard someone say, “If only I knew they were so close to leaving I would have done more.” In order for us to not be the one saying it, we must realize something very important – it is the fourth quarter!
Whether that is our job, our relationship or the legacy we will leave behind, we never quite know when the fourth quarter is. “Oh, I am young so my fourth quarter is a way off.” you might find yourself saying. Really? Youth is not a guarantee of time. Tragedy and illness can take us all. Sure, the odds go up the more you go through life, but it can strike us at anytime. I recall being diagnosed with my heart issues. At the time I was doing cross fit at the gym and feeling great. There were zero signs anything was wrong. If it were not for a reading of a heart rate monitor, you might not be reading these words.
It is not only sickness or tragedy that can lead to an ‘early fourth quarter’. Think of relationships. One partner thinks everything is great only to come home and discover their partner has moved out after years of suffering in silence. The goal is to foster healthy communication so that this does not happen, but even then it is worth noting the possibility. Your job could suddenly need to lay off a percentage of it’s workforce for an unexpected reason. At that point you may have found yourself wishing you had been a better employee. It would also be a little too late.
If I were to offer any advice for the rest of your life it would be to live like it is the fourth quarter! Do this in as many areas of your life as you can. That is your job, your relationship, your health and your life in general. You never know when the fourth quarter will be. You could be in it and not even know it.
This quote is very powerful. Let us take a look at it in two separate pieces. The first part, “Let us conduct ourselves so that all men wish to be our friends.” What does this mean to you? Most people are looking for friends with benefits. No, not necessarily those benefits, but what can they get out of being friends with you. Nobody wants to spend their time, which is the most precious commodity, with someone who does not offer something positive. Are most friendships really this transactional? Let me ask you a question. Would you want to spend time with someone who makes you unhappy, is not a good conversationalist and does not enlighten you? Most of us would answer ‘no’ to that, and we should. Life is short.
The point of this is that we should endeavor to become people worth knowing. If we want to conduct ourselves so that all people wish to be our friends, what would that mean? It would mean learning to be a better listener. It would would mean developing the ability to blend honesty and compassion. It would not mean calling someone a nasty name a 5-year-old would use just because they hold a different opinion of you. Are you the type of person people will talk good about even when you are not around? That is usually a good litmus test as to how good of a person you are.
Now the second part, “All fear to be our enemies.” To me, this does not mean fear of retribution or violence. Those are actually acts of desperation. If we may take a glance at the first half of the quote, it will give an answer to the second. If you are someone that everyone would like to be friends with, how would that reflect on someone who doesn’t like you or wishes to be your enemy? People would look at them funny. “What is wrong with this person that he doesn’t like Bob? Bob is such a great guy.” There is always something wrong with people who pride themselves on tearing down other’s reputations. You should be so busy with improving yourself that you have no time to dwell on other’s faults.
Being well-connected is another way to have people fear to come against you. How do we become well-connected? By being someone that everyone would like to know, do business with and call their friend. Become a person of discipline, purpose and integrity. Nobody wants to go against someone like that. Before long, they just might add ‘the great’ after your name as well.
One thing that drives me slightly more crazy than I already am is the laziness in which we communicate these days. It is easier to understand how that can be helpful is texting or messaging someone. What is sad is when it starts to filter into real life conversation. Looking at the examples above can be helpful. Think of someone saying them to you. Can you imagine the difference in how they would make you feel?
Would you agree that to a great extent, the quality of our life is the quality of our relationships? Get in a fight with your spouse in the morning and how does your workday go? Have an argument with a coworker and what kind of mood do you come home in? The cause of most discord in relationships is communication. Either a lack of it, or the method in which it is delivered. Even if you are looking to take your relationship to the next level, mastering your communication is the key. Telling your spouse they “Look good” is nice. Saying something like, “The effort you put into that outfit really highlights your already attractive features.” creates a completely different feeling.
If you do not know how to communicate with skill, there are a million resources to help you in that area. Books on how to communicate. Reading poetry that makes you feel a certain way and thinking of how to work it into your speaking. Even reading greeting cards can help. Think about it. You pay $7 or more to deliver a folded piece of paper with often only a line or two. To get you to spend that kind of money those words have to be impactful. Want to be more romantic? Watch romantic movies, read romantic books and do so with the intent to learn. Want to learn how to genuine compliment someone? How about a boss or client?
Do you think this is not so important? Remember, people may forget what you say to them, but they will never forget how you make them feel. People are driven by emotion and they back up that emotion using logic. That is why your words must illicit a powerful emotional response. More to the point, a positive one. People give their attention, their time and their business and money to those who can make them feel important, valued and happy. You can do that by not sounding like a teenager sending a text. Do not be lazy with your communication. Learning how to properly communicate and convey your emotions will transform your life.
In many ways, I consider myself a modern-day stoic. There are many great thoughts expressed in this philosophy. Above is one of them. This is why it is so important to not only think of, but decide on and WRITE DOWN specific goals. View them daily, if not several times a day. Can you imagine having free plane tickets with no destination in mind? What good would they be? It is a shame to have good fortune thrust upon us and to not have a plan to make the most of it. As much as I like this quote on face value, I find that flipping it around makes it even more valuable. Let me explain.
I believe when you have a firm and worthwhile destination every wind is favorable. You can tell when the wind is blowing in your favor. You raise the sails and make the most of it. When the wind is blowing against you, you lower the sails, you may even have to row a little. If you get caught in a terrible storm of life, you know to ride it out and make sure your ship is pointed in the right direction to get back on track. When you have a solid destination in life there are two types of events. The one that makes you say, “This will certainly help!” That is when the wind is blowing in your favor. The other is when you say, “I can learn and grow with this.” That is when the wind seems to be blowing against you.
Think of trying to eat better. Someone brings in healthy snacks to work. (It could happen) You think to yourself, “This will sure make eating healthier more enjoyable and easier. The next day someone brings in doughnuts and soda. (This is far more likely) Then you say to yourself, “This will certainly help test my will power.” In both of these situations you get closer to your goal of eating better even though one of them is more helpful than the other. This holds true with fitness, study, cleaning the house or any situation you can think of.
In life if you do not know where you want to go, how on earth are you going to get there? We must make our destination firm in our minds and remind ourselves of it often. Life today is filled with distractions more so than any other time in history. Staying focused on our path places us in the top tier of successful people. Where is the port you are sailing towards?
Many people shy away from the world of ‘self-improvement’ because it sounds like something is wrong with them. Let us not get started on the term ‘self-help’. That sounds like you are in a bad way and needing some help. The truth is far subtler. We could always improve ourselves, and thus, our lot in life. We all could use a little help. This is true when we are striving to learn something new, or unlearn something we have been doing for years. Both ‘improvement’ and ‘help’ are not a sign of weakness. They are signs you are seeking to become a better version of yourself.
Do not let the terms trip you up. Even if you love your vehicle, wouldn’t it be great to get better gas mileage? There is nothing wrong with you; improve anyway. This would be a great mantra to have in your head. If you are always working to be your best and do your best that is great. As we go through life, we learn and experience more. That means our best is a moving target. As we improve, so does the best of what we can be. That means there is never a finish line. That should not make you feel defeated, but excited. There are always opportunities to be healthier, happier and more loving. Keep striving to improve yourself. By doing so you will continue to improve your life.
It is spring here in the Northern hemisphere. In this country, that means the start of baseball season. Out of all the sports, this one has one of the longest seasons. There are 162 games to play in a single year. By contrast, in the National Football League, they play 18. That means in the course of a baseball season you can have a run of good luck and great play, followed by a run of less than stellar play. What makes a good season? How can you get back on track after a bad streak? The answer is the same in baseball as it is in life. That answer is you keep swinging.
A few days ago we celebrated 1000 days in a row of sharing content. This is actually day 1003. How did we manage to keep this up through a busy life and many obstacles? We kept swinging. Sometimes our content reached hundreds, in many countries. Sometimes it was only a few in a few countries. On occasion we received lots of engagement. There were weeks when we received none and were left to wonder if anyone was reading at all. Life is like that too. Some days life can seem to be flowing along smoothly. There are days when we hurt ourselves just getting out of bed. Even a few days where we just can’t make it out of bed at all. What to do in any of those situations? Keep swinging.
Showing up in life doesn’t guarantee us success. Not showing up does rather limit our opportunities however. In my own personal experience, sometimes when you show up and can barely go through the motions is often when people need you the most. There are times that whether I am writing, at my day job or as a DJ, I feel I am not bringing my best and someone will tell me how much I have impacted their lives.
Many people talk about grind and hustle. I want to remind of the power of persistence and resilience. Being able to show up in the face of life’s storms takes a special skill but one that will define you as someone who can be counted on. It will expose you to the maximum amount of opportunity and increase your chance for success. I am going to leave you with a quote from the Rocky movies that wraps up what we have been talking about nicely. As always, I would love to hear your feedback!
This post was inspired during the amazing dinner that Margie and my mother put together to help celebrate 1000 blogs on this site. Our good friend, Ron Perez, looked around the table and told me something that in its simplicity, was yet profound. He said, “Neil, all you need is good friends and good food.” He was right. I could not have been happier than I was that night. No amount of fame or fortune could have done it. No amount of monetary reward. People often trip over some of the greatest treasure on their way to look for it.
Having a good group of friends and being able to share some good food, is something far too many of us in the world are not able to do. In fact, having a strong social circle and good friends is one of the most determining factors in longevity. This according to the Blue Zone book that examined the lives of the longest living people and what they had in common. Mr. Perez’s statement was quite the wise one and backed up by science.
Many folks spend a great deal of their time and energy investing in obtaining wealth and prestige. If you were to obtain such things and sacrifice your relationships to do so, you would still be poor. Something about friends – money cannot buy true ones. It is something that has to be fostered and grown with time. It takes trust, honesty, love, compassion and many other things that money or fame could not buy. On the opposite end of the spectrum, if you lack money but still have a great deal of true friends, you are wealthier than you can imagine. Not only are they able to help you, be that financial or connecting you to opportunities, but they will encourage and support you emotionally.
I am still reeling from the outpouring of love that I received at that surprise dinner the other night. That made me feel like the wealthiest person in the world! By our definition, I believe that I am. In your life, keep it simple. Invest in the things that truly matter. Take care of those who take care of you. Spend your time and money building friendships and helping others. The payout will be far better than any winning lottery ticket you could come across. To me, my friends and family are the greatest treasure.
SECRET 2 AN AMAZING LIFE 