Tag: self-improvement

PLEASURE THROUGH PERSPECTIVE

As you look at the title and photo above, many thoughts and questions may come to mind. What does pleasure and perspective have to do with the Lone Ranger? How do either of these things help me with my life? Before we unpack all of that, I want to tell you how this post and this comparison came to be. I want to do that by asking you a question. Have you ever had a childhood memory that is particularly vivid and you cannot understand why? You find yourself asking, “Why on earth did my brain remember this out of everything?” If you are anything like me, you spend far too much time trying to come up with a deeper meaning behind it. As if your brain knows something you do not. Try to wrap your head around that thought.

Here is my memory. When I was a very young child, I would spend the occasional day by my great aunt’s house. Her name was Rose. Lovely lady. That being said, as a very young child, there was not much to do there. It was more an adult place to be. After I was a little older and learned how to play cards, I became a little more interesting to the adults. Prior to this occurrence, there was one way they endeavored to keep the children entertained. There was a wooden box in the garage. In this box there was a handful of mismatched toys. Out of all of them, I can only recall three. There was 2 cap guns. Seldom did these ever include actual caps. They were a gleaming pewter with what was supposed to look like pearl handles. There was also a plastic horse. It was a poor man’s Lone Ranger play set. It could have actually left over from a Lone Ranger set for all I know. When I was young, these were so cool. My cousin and I would create many adventures and both try to be the first to get the guns. Seldom would they be shared. You either had two guns, or you had none. The horse was limited in its entertainment value for two young boys,

Actual family photo from that time

Above is a photo from my great aunt’s house during this time. She is in the front with a scarf on her head. Bonus points if you can pick out a young best-selling author in the photo. After my great uncle passed we seemed to visit the house less. Also, after learning the card games the adults played, when I was there I joined them at the table instead of going to the garage to look for the wooden box. Years passed and I found myself back there. I went into the garage and found the wooden box. The guns and horse did not hold any allure. In addition, the ‘giant’ hill that we conquered with said firearms, was a lot smaller than I had remembered.

I am sure this happens with a lot of our childhood memories. Things look one way when you are four or five, they look quite a bit different when you are forty-five. The lesson that I took from this is that once upon a time, three simple items held the spirit of adventure that could last an entire afternoon. As the brain became more complex and the imagination more dull, they became nothing more than childhood playthings. In reflection, is this why children seem to enjoy life far more than adults? Is this why we can seem to get a burst of energy and enthusiasm when we play with a young child? Perhaps that is the secret to an amazing life?

When was the last time you used your imagination? Can you find an afternoon of entertainment from simple objects? With the advent of streaming services and online gaming, this can seem quaint to some of you. Having the ability to use your imagination to escape reality, if even for a little while, could be considered a super power in this day and age. Why not try having a little adult playtime today? It could relieve stress and increase enthusiasm!

POINTS TO PONDER FOR A BETTER LIFE

I hear a good deal of people lamenting the amount of stress they have in their life. In the photo above, there are some good points why that stress exists. Taking a few actions in our life can eliminate a great deal of stress. It may take a hard conversation or hurt feelings on the part of others, but that might be exactly what is needed.

Past relationships should stay in the past. If they continue into the present, it will only lead to trouble. It is like trying to drive while looking in the rearview mirror, you will eventually crash. Prioritizing your self-love is vital. The only person you are guaranteed to spend the rest of your life with is you. If you do not like the person in the mirror, there will be some sleepless nights in your future. Having to say ‘no’ to others to make sure that self-love is taken care of is important. How about envious people? Envy is a terrible emotion. The only thing we should have a strong desire for is to have a better life for ourself. That can only be accomplished by becoming a better version of ourself. People filled with envy often take actions that are immoral. You do not want to be involved in anything like that. You do not want to surround yourself with people focused on the lives of others more than they are on their own life.

As far as letting others have power over our life, it happens more often than you think. This quote above is an example. If you believe you are doing what is right and someone insults you, do you question or even change your course of action? Do you do things just for praise even if it may not be right for your life? Doing what is right and what will improve your life is more important than hearing a compliment from someone else. I know people that have to look online to see what is trending before they make a decision on what to eat, what to wear or a host of other things. Independent thinking is a sign of true strength. It also eliminates a lot of stress and a lot of resentment. When you let others have power over your life, you often resent them even if they are not aware of your feelings. All of this leads to stress you do not need.

As mentioned earlier, taking these actions may ruffle a few feathers. That is the price we must pay for a happier life and a greater deal of inner peace.

A WARNING TO YOURSELF

These days it would seem that some people relish seeing the downfall of others. Here is a way in which we can put that downfall to use in our own life. Look at what we can learn from that downfall. It can be someone doing something to ruin their reputation and their career. It can be the fall of someone’s marriage. It can be someone ruining their own health. As I have seen recently, someone passing and leaving a legacy of hate and deplorable actions. We can learn from each and every one of these.

We can learn from other’s mistakes because we cannot make them all ourselves. It is also a chance to practice a little compassion. We all make mistakes and do things we regret. If you are reading a site like this, it would be safe to assume that you are trying to make less of them. One way to do so is look at each of these downfalls of others and think of how we can avoid making the same mistakes. Did your friends marriage fall apart over a lack of intimacy or communication? Maybe it would be time to brush up on your own? Did a relative lose their job due to downsizing? It would be a wise idea to brush up on your resume and skills. Lastly, passing away without leaving a decent legacy is something I think we should all keep in mind. The hour of death is always uncertain and we should work hard each day to make a positive difference.

We should never celebrate the downfall of others, but we should learn from as many as we can. Each one can also be an opportunity to help. What can we do for the people in the situations above? The more we learn and help, the better our life will be!

WHY SOME THINGS ARE DIFFICULT

As I write this, I am preparing for a yearly 5K run that I do. It will be about 90 degrees at race time and I will be running on blacktop. It sounds insane and it probably is. Normally, this race is not this hot. Why on earth would I do such a thing? It is a great way to test where my fitness level is compared to the year prior. Am I getting better? Am I falling off? Running for me is quite difficult. Not only is my frame not really designed for it, but my asthma has me stopping to catch my breath more often than not. It is frustrating. Again, the question comes up, “Neil, why do you do it then?”

The quote from Seneca above captures it perfectly. When we attempt things that we view as difficult, even if we do not succeed at the level we had hoped, it gives us a sense of pride and accomplishment that those who never attempt will never know. It is a tricky thing to convey to someone who has never put themselves in a difficult situation. Pushing yourself outside what is comfortable not only gives you a sense of pride, but does something even more important. It prepares you for when you unexpectedly face something difficult. If we face difficult things voluntarily, when life throws us difficult times we do not expect, we will be far better prepared. It strengthens far more than muscle and cardio. It strengthens our reslove.

This is why it is important to do the difficult things. Give yourself some inner strength. Prepare yourself for life’s unexpected trials. What do you do that helps you develop inner strength?

THE WARRIOR WHO WINS

Talk about a secret weapon in the war against mediocrity. A calm mind will allow you to see not only solutions to challenges, but opportunities you may have missed if you were too emotional. Yes, it is good to have enthusiasm. Yes, it is good to be passionate. What is required is to not let those same emotions blind you to certain things. Can you stop and think of areas of your life that remaining calm will give you an advantage over someone who is emotional?

One of the first things that comes to mind is interpersonal relations. Having the ability to remain fairly calm when there is discord between two parties is a super power. The closer these parties are, the more difficult it is to remain calm. It is also the more important it is to do so. Think of a disagreement at the office. How you handle things with your coworkers can affect your life 40 hours a week. It can influence promotions and productivity. How about friendships? Being able to disagree with friends can mean the difference in relationships that take years, and sometimes decades, to develop. Most important, think of your romantic relationship. I believe that lack of proper communication is the cause for most divorce.

Have you ever seen a couple disagreeing so passionately that they forget what they are actually disagreeing about? Have you ever been part of a couple like that? Sometimes, parties may be discussing totally different things. If your partner thinks you are upset about one thing, but you are really upset about something else, can you see how difficult it would be to get that disagreement solved? Often this leads to arguing about the same thing over and over. The solution is to be able to communicate what you are upset about, the solution you would like to see and how to work together to achieve that. They only way to do this is by managing to be calm.

Of course remaining calm in the midst of conflict is easier said than done. Can you see why it would be worth the effort? Even in the internal battles that exist when we are working to be a better version of ourself, the ability to be calm is so helpful. It allows us to be objective and view our life with a healthy detachment. Being able to be honest with ourselves without getting emotional will allow us to make necessary changes. It will allow us to do this without feeling depressed or like a failure. From relationships with others, to the relationship with ourself, being calm is what we should aim to achieve.

VALUE EQUALS CONTROL

Sometimes the oldest wisdom can enlighten us most in the present. Take a look at this quote from a Stoic Philosopher. Far too many young people place their value on ‘likes’ on social media. There are people who look at career advancement as a measure of success. Some view the number in a bank balance as an indicator of a successful life. All of these have variables that can slip out of our control. How many people ‘like’ something we put out on social media has so many variables that it is beyond comprehension. It is certainly not an indicator as to the quality of the content. Career advancement? Things such as market volatility, nepotism, and office politics can influence that. Bank balances? One health emergency and that can be upended.

Instead, focus on what we can control. Take the social media example. If you focus on putting out quality content verses likes, when you do have a post go viral, there will be no concern if it will be a good one. The best way to boost your readership is to write something worth reading. Career advancement? Becoming the most valuable employee you can be is something you can control. Learn as much as you can. Develop your people skills. Give them no choice but to promote you. If they still decide to go with their brother instead, you will be positioned to succeed somewhere else. Bank balances? Increasing your financial knowledge and skill is one of the best ways to insure yourself against catastrophe. Even if an emergency wipes out your savings, you will have the knowledge and skills needed to rebuild again, and do so in less time than most.

Whether your concern in life is finance, relationships or legacy, your best course of action is focusing on what you can control. In every situation there are things that are in our control and things that are not. To place value on the former, means less control in your life. To place value on the latter means more control. In the simplest of terms, one of the best things to focus on and put value on is becoming the best version of yourself. In that regard, no matter what outside circumstances hold, you are best positioned for success.

LIVE A LITTLE

This may seem like a morbid thought, but it is actually rather motivating. There is a classic Latin saying that says, “Death is certain. The hour uncertain.” It can come at anytime. Delayed gratification certainly has its place in self-improvement, but it must not come at the cost of our inner peace and joy. While we are striving to become the best version of ourselves, we must do our best to enjoy the process. While you look forward to the future, enjoy the present.

Another way of looking at these sayings is that we should take nothing for granted. Our health, the love we share with our spouse, the friendships we have. Even our job and boss that may drive us crazy at times, can be taken away in a heartbeat. Every ability we have. Every simple pleasure and even every annoyance, can be gone in a second. You may think challenges and problems would be great to be gone. In a strange way, they bring their own kind of joy. If you face a small daily challenge, overcoming that gives you a small victory every day. That is something to be celebrated.

When we delay our happiness until something happens, we live a life of wanting. If we can find joy in the waiting, our life becomes one long celebration. Enjoy the destination as well as the journey. That is the secret to an amazing life. The more moments you can find to celebrate, the better. How can you live a little in the moment? Are you guilty of postponing your happiness? Have you found ways to enjoy the journey? We would love to hear your story!

CAN YOU BE GRATEFUL FOR THIS?

A few months ago we have a 30 day gratitude challenge. One of the things that we did not touch on was the question, “What failure are you grateful for?” Most people are familiar with finding good things to be grateful for. It is even rather easy to see how you can be grateful for things that seem benign. Things that we take for granted every day. Such as having a working toilet or clean water. Once we stop and ponder how things would be without them, we find it rather easy to be grateful for them.

What takes a little work is discovering ways in which we can be grateful for the seemingly negative things in our life. I used the word ‘seemingly’ for a reason. On the surface, and certainly at the time, many things can seem negative. We feel hurt, embarrassment or pain. At the moment these things happen, the last emotion we are thinking about feeling is gratitude. How can you feel grateful for failing a test? How about the failure of a relationship? This is becomes even more difficult the longer that relationship has existed. Whether it is a best friend, a lover or a family member. How about failing at work? That can feel terrible. Each one of these, if properly reflected on, can give us a lot to be grateful for.

Failing a test can teach us, and motivate us to study harder. It can open our eyes to what we thought we knew that perhaps we were not as well versed on as we thought. A failure of a relationship can be a tricky one. If we are honest in our reflection, it can teach us a lot. Could we use some work on our interpersonal skills? Our communication? Should we be a more shrewd judge of character? Do we need to be better at setting boundaries? Are we actually better off in the long run without this person in our life? These are all lessons that cannot be learned without a failure of some kind. In fact, no lesson can be learned without failure. It serves as one of the best teachers.

If we fail at our job, it brings many questions to mind. Were we not prepared as well as we should have been? Are there additional skills we need to learn? Perhaps that career field is not one we are best cut out for? Things we again may never know without experiencing failure. We can use the tools of an open mind and honest reflection to transform any seeming failure into one of the most powerful educating moments of our life. Can you think of a failure that you are grateful for?

AVOIDING EXACTLY WHAT WE NEED

I have discussed this topic with all of you before. It is a key tool that we all need for success, but as society advances it seems to become more and more rare. It will help us succeed and accomplish great things, yet it is shunned and looked upon as something negative. Do too much of this and people call you ‘unfocused’ or even ‘lazy’. It is something that I do daily, but do not use it productively. It costs nothing, but could offer a return that is very valuable.

What is the mystery tool of success we are discussing? It does not have a scientific name. At least as far as I am aware. The best term I have heard for it came from my friend Heidi who called it “Duh time”. Does not sound like a key to success, does it? What is ‘Duh Time’? Let me explain how it shows up in my life every morning. You may recognize it in your life as well. I wake up for work at 4am. At that hour, I confess to not being as sharp as I could be. One of the last things I do before leaving the house is put my shoes on. This should take mere minutes. Half awake, I sometimes just sit there staring blankly as if my brain is buffering. That is my ‘duh time’. Quickly, I admonish myself and get moving as not to be late.

 

What ‘duh time’ represents is an opportunity to allow our brain to organize itself. It is one of the only chances our subconscious mind has to send information to our conscious mind. It is where creativity lives and thrives. Have you ever noticed how when you lay down to sleep your brain is suddenly flooded with great ideas and answers you have worked to find for hours, days or perhaps longer? That is because we busy our minds with trivial matters in an attempt to feel some sort of progress. Now, with the advent of cell phones, even time that was normally used for this purpose has been filled with activity. This leads to stunted creativity and a mind screaming for a chance to rest and recharge.

Even when we experience an unplanned moment of ‘duh time’ such as my morning buffering, we view it with distain. We feel emotions such as guilt and shame that we are not doing something more ‘productive’. The ironic thing is that the more time we spend on focused and undistracted thought, the more productive we will be. In a world where hustle culture is praised, we forget that one thought could save us lots of hustling. This is not to say that work is not required for a successful life. Just that work backed by focused thought would be far more productive.

This quote above can be found, in some version or another, throughout history. It can be found in the bible, with many great philosophers and thinkers. Most of them thought they were the first ones to come up with the idea. What that translates to, is that this is one of the great truths of life. What we continue to focus our thoughts on, that is what we will become. What happens if we do not take time to focus our thoughts at all? Then, it will be very difficult for us to become much at all. That is why allowing ourselves time to think is so important. If you find yourself thinking, “Neil, where on earth am I going to find this time?” I get it. As someone who works 40+ hours a week at a day job, is a DJ on the weekend, is working on his fourth book and now has posted daily over four years straight, time is a premium. If you are worried at making the most of the time you have, you need to devote some of it to letting your mind wander.

Our minds are able to accomplish amazing things, but we must provide them the opportunity to do so. We cannot rely on that moment before we fall asleep, or when we find ourselves in the shower, to let our minds speak to us. First, those moments are not very convenient for recording the information we come up with. Are you really going to get out of bed and write down what you are thinking? Do you have a pen and paper in the shower? What we need is to provide ourselves with a digitally free moment of contemplation. Try this for thirty days. Give yourself a dedicated 30 minutes or more a day for mental gymnastics. You will be amazed at what you come up with. You can do this while you wait in line at the grocery store. Maybe a walk after dinner. Just make sure whenever you do so you have no distractions. Also make sure you record the thoughts that come to you. Many of them will end up being worthless, but it only takes one good thought to change your life.

LESSON OF INDEPENDENCE

Today the country of the United States is celebrating its 250th birthday. How accurate that is depends on how you score it. We really did not gain recognition as independent from Britain until 1783. The constitution, which defined the government, was ratified a few years after that. More accurately, it is being described as “The birth of a nation”. What that means is that we are celebrating the brave men above who risked death by signing a document telling the King we no longer wanted him around. In other words, we declared our intent to become independent.

Considering the other dates that I listed above, and the fact that there was a bloody war between the two sides, this declaration was no small thing. It is worth celebrating 250 years later. How does this apply to us? What have you declared in your life? Have you been brave enough to write it down and show it to others? You may not risk death by declaring the start of a health journey or writing down your commitment to your physical fitness. What it will hopefully do is keep you committed. That translates to something very important. When you are committed, you stay true to the goal long after the motivation to do so has passed. Do not want to eat healthy after a long work day? You have a written declaration to do so. Do not want to go to the gym because you are too sore from the last time? You wrote down a declaration, maybe even let others see it, that you were going to commit to that.

What have you declared in your life? Have you stayed true to it, even when you did not feel like doing so? Have you declared anything at all? How about writing down your own declaration? Good areas to think of is your business, your marriage and your family. People spend a lot of time writing down their wedding vows, but what about the rest of your life? What about signing your wedding vows and keeping a framed copy in the house. That way when discord does happen, you can be reminded of what you promised. How about a declaration of health on the bathroom mirror. Even a declaration to become the best version of yourself. All of these, written out and signed, will hold you accountable. Even if you never show them to another soul, seeing your words and your signature should be enough to motivate you to keep your word to yourself.

As the country celebrates this document, thinking of declaring your independence from mediocrity. Declare what kind of person you are going to be in every area of your life! Feel free to share them with others, or just place them where you can see your words and your signature. Do not write a declaration flippantly. Do so with meaning, dedication and purpose.