How many of us have heard the saying “Don’t know what you got until it’s gone?” Also happens to be a great rock song from the 80s, but I digress. It really can bring us done to think of everything we might have lost, but a slight change in mindset can turn everything around.
There are many things we fail to appreciate until they are gone. Like a job that is barely tolerated until it is lost, and the income that goes with it. The car we complain about until it dies and we are forced to take the bus.
Loss sucks. There is no way getting around that. Using it to foster a greater sense of appreciation, and gratitude, could make it suck a little less.
So much talk in the self-improvement circles about finding your passion, or finding your ‘why’. I couldn’t agree more that finding, or more importantly, deciding on your life purpose makes life not only more productive but easier. You always know if you’re going in the right direction and if the action you are about to take will serve you well or not.
The question that always comes up is, “What should I do until I decide what the purpose of my life should be?” The answer is in the photo above. Until you know what you should be working on, work on yourself.
Working in yourself should be a life-long journey. We are always learning and growing. The better you become, the better and less stressful your life becomes. Today, if you find yourself not knowing what to do, ask yourself what can you do to move closer to the best version of yourself.
We touched on this a few posts ago when looking at the ‘Golden Rule’ and how many belief systems include it. We do have a lot more in common that most of us would feel comfortable to admit. What about those pesky differences? The ones that keep wars occurring, people arguing and relationships ending? How can humanity survive all of that? By learning to play in the sandbox together. Again, this is a lesson we can learn from our children. On any given day, you can see a group of children who are all different playing together in the sandbox. They might be from different economic levels, different religions and different races. The only important thing to them is helping each other build a sand castle.
As an adult life cannot really be that simple though, can it? Yes, it can. These children do not mind that each other are different. As a matter of fact, they are focused on the moment and what they have in common – they are all playing in the sandbox. The sandbox can represent life itself. We are all playing in the same sandbox that is life. We might be trying to build different sand castles, but we are all doing the best we can. As I look around the coffee shop where I am writing, there are many people who are all different. Different ages, different genders and different social groups. We are all here drinking some sort of beverages and working on things in our life. It could be reading a book or finishing a term paper. The fact is that we all chose to come to the coffee shop to work on something. Even if that something is just connecting with and sharing conversation with a friend.
You can see how even in that example there are both differences we could focus on, or we could chose to focus on what we all have in common. The difference? Well that is also stated in small letters at the bottom of the picture above – “Be happy, enjoy life”. By choosing to focus on what we have in common instead of our differences we will do just that. We will be happier and enjoying life a lot more.
Here is a sample of some of the countries that we were viewed in the other day. You can see that they cover all 7 continents. Yes, even on the bottom there we were viewed in Antarctica! That cold and brave soul probably needed a little inspiration and motivation. It is so important to share this site and this community with those you care about. By working and thinking together we can help all of us to become the best version of ourselves that we can be. On the days that we do not reach that level, we can encourage and uplift one another. That is also a great blessing of being in this community.
The above picture represents all of the areas in which this site has been viewed this year. Where we have been is shaded in green. Where we have yet to go is in grey. As you can see, being part of this community is a global experience. We all have the same desire to live an amazing life and become the best version of ourselves. That holds true across geographical borders as well as cultures and belief systems. As different as we are, we have so much in common. That means that stranger you encounter on your daily commute or when you stop at the local coffee shop is probably fighting some of the same battles you are. They are also striving to reach some of the same goals you are.
This is important for several reasons. First, you may have learned something about the struggle you both are in that you can share with them. Second, they may hold the secret to helping you in an area of your life that you have been stuck in. That leads me to that last, and most important, reason why keeping these similarities in mind is so important. We are far less likely to approach and converse with someone when we focus on our differences instead of what we all have in common. If being the main author of this site has taught me one thing, it is that we are all far more alike than most of us care to admit. We may think and worship in different ways, but we all have the same needs and desires. We want to feel loved, significant and connection. We want to feel valued and like our life has purpose. This site not only provides tools and strategies to do so, but a community to help reinforce these values and support us in our quest to become the best version of ourself.
There are many times when I hear people lament that they just “cannot stay positive.” As if maintaining a blissful state of being was a possible outcome. It is not. There are times in everyone’s life that things will be tough. Something sad or tragic may happen. It can be difficult and understandable to feel a little down sometimes. Acknowledging this fact is very important. If we feel bad every time we feel bad, it starts to form a vicious circle of depressive feelings. One feeding the other. We do not want that.
What is the solution to help us navigate our way through tough times? The ideal is learning tools and strategies that will allow us to have these down periods be less frequent and less severe. Notice that does not mean we will not still have these times on occasion. When we do, there are still many things we can do. The first, and most important, is to understand it is perfectly ok to feel this way. It is part of life. The clouds help us to appreciate the sun. Yes, that does sound a little hokey, but it is true. Contrast can drive appreciation.
That leads us to the next action we can take. Find something to be grateful for in the situation. When we lose someone we care deeply about that is tough. It can, however, have us love and appreciate those we still have with us that much more. This does not mean we will not feel sadness and a feeling of loss. That is not only understandable, it means we have loved greatly. We can still feel love, gratitude and appreciation along with sadness and loss. Perhaps vacillating between to the two at a surprising rate. It can all be part of the grieving process.
Giving ourself permission to feel down will help us get through it. We need to be compassionate with ourself, just like we are for others. Working our way to a more positive mindset takes time and is not a linear experience. As the picture above says, it is a marathon, not a sprint.
There certainly have been some things in my past that I regret and I am that proud of. How about you? I think most of us have a few of those. How do they affect you currently? Beating yourself up over them is not very healthy. It can be rather counter productive. It can ruin self-confidence, increase doubt and have you feeling down. Is the answer to forget about them all together? Not at all. Making a mistake and forgetting all about it can doom you to repeat the same one. Like the ‘Groundhog Day’ of bad behavior. That would not be good for anyone.
If the answer is not to dwell on them or forget them, than what are we supposed to do with all of the things we regret? If you are looking to live an amazing life, than put them to work for you! Let them help you to live a more rewarding life going forward. Perhaps you were not as appreciative of a gift that someone worked hard to give you in the past and that really haunts you. In that case, make sure to be grateful for the actions and gifts that people bring to you going forward. Let that memory serve as a painful reminder of how it feels when you are not grateful, or at least do not express it as much as you would like to.
All regrets can be put into use this way. That way, even regret can serve as something useful for us. In your life do you have any regrets? If so, how can you use them to improve your life going forward? This is a question we must ask ourselves. We all have regrets. The better we are at using them to improve our life going forward, the better our life would be. Turn your regrets from something holding you back to a tool to help move you forward starting today!
This is my current setup as I am writing this post for you today. Coffee, a little snack, my trusty but slow computer. You may notice a little note on the keyboard. That is a little note that Margie gave me some time ago. It says “I Love you” with a smiling sun. I keep it in my computer at all times. At this stage in the game, it is several years old. Still, every time I open my keyboard it brings a smile to my face.
That is what I want to talk to you about today. Not that note specifically, but what it represents. To me, this note not only tells me that Margie was loving me at the moment she wrote it, but that she was thinking of me and took time to create a little something that made me smile. In addition, she knows how much I love the sun so she put that on there. It also reminds me when I write that I have a beautiful woman behind me who believes in me no matter what. That often gives me the push I need. All of that from a little piece of paper.
It also reminds me of times like this when Margie was there to write with me. This was even at a coffee shop that now is closed. Lately, we both have been so busy we have not seen a lot of each other. The time we have spent together we are both so tired we cannot fully appreciate each other. There is still that little piece of paper that keeps the smile on my face and has me looking forward to more times like the picture above.
Many times we may appreciate the little things in life in the moment. After a short time they are discarded or put away to rarely be thought of again. In doing so, we are missing a great opportunity to add some love, gratitude and appreciation to our lives. All of this does not have to cost a lot in time or effort. As you can see in my example, all it took was a quick note drawn on a piece of scrap paper. By placing this note in a place where I see it regularly, it is a reminder of those feelings and memories. How about in your life? Is there a small gift or item that can remind you of something, or someone special? Can you put it in a place where you will see it regularly? Maybe your purse, a jacket pocket or by the coffee maker? How could the reminders positively affect your life and your relationships? What is your item and what does it make you think of? I would love to know.
Although this is directed at men, it can hold true for both genders. Children are far more likely to learn from our example than the words that we tell them. We set an example as to how a relationship should be between two people. Even if your children are grown, watching their parents and how they treat each other is a great influence on their behavior with their partner. If you normalize things like demeaning sarcasm, violent outbursts, name calling or a host of any other emotionally unhealthy behavior, they may think that is just ‘part of the relationship’.
That is why it is so hard to hear people say “We are staying together for the children.” If you truly are, then give them a great example to emulate. If you cannot, the only thing staying together will teach them is that they should sacrifice their emotional well-being to remain in a marriage. If you feel you must stay together for your children, never stop working on your relationship. If you both feel it is genuinely beyond repair, it would be better for the children to show them how a healthy separation would look. That two people can discover they are not right for each other and still be respectful.
Remember, your children will grow to adults and what they saw growing up will go a long way in to deciding what is acceptable in a relationship. Disagree in private. Praise each other in public. Work on healthy communication skills. The healthier your relationship is, the more you are setting your children up for success in their relationships. They may not say anything and you may not think they are watching but they are. Would you want your children to emulate your relationship? If the answer is ‘no’, what are you going to do to improve it?
One of the troubling aspects coming to light lately is toxic masculinity. That is where men are convinced some hyper testosterone nonsense about what a man really is. Sadly, this often leads to over aggressive behavior, emotional suppression and the mistreatment and devaluing of women. I am a fan of old-fashioned gentlemanly behavior. I open the door for my lady. Not because I think she is not capable, but because it is a sign of respect for her. A real man does not need to devalue women, or even other man. In fact, being helpful and showing respect to others is exactly what makes a man.
Out of all of this college frat boy way of defining what a man really should be, a new problem has been created. We will refer to it as misguided femininity. This idea that men have no emotional or mental health needs. That they can just ‘suck it up’ or ‘rub a little dirt on it’ and everything will be ok. Sadly, men are not often taught the correct way to express their emotions.Their communication skills often lack refinement. That does not mean men do not also have emotional needs. Leaving them unfulfilled can lead to a feeling of resentment and a lack of connection. As mentioned earlier, men are not really good at communicating these emotional needs. Often, they have difficult articulating them even in their own heads.
One of the areas in which this manifests most often is intimacy. There are thousands of advice columns telling men to ‘keep dating their wives’. They will tell them how important it is to make their wives feel attractive and desired. I could not agree with this more. If you never stop falling in love with your partner, you will never lose them. We have this great piece of advice because women are kind enough, and emotionally mature enough to be able to express how important this is to them. We can trace this back generations to the fact that women were told it was ok to get in touch with their inner emotions. It was ok to express these and to ask for what you feel you need. Men were told that was unmanly and to keep it inside.
As humans, these are needs we share. Connection, value and significance. That last one is huge. Granted this looks different for both men and women. It can vary even between individuals. What is true is that we all need that for the relationship to be healthy. Ladies, if you want your relationship to the next level, watch what happens when you make your man feel chosen, attractive and wanted. Remember, this looks different for men than women. How do you think you can make your husband feel the things mentioned in the photo above? How important do you think it is?
This should go without saying, but this same holds true for your male friends as well. As men work to develop better emotional communication, and thankfully that seems to be trending correctly, make sure we are helping them to address their mental health and emotional needs.
Let us have a discussion about the journey of self-improvement and becoming the best version of yourself. This is a self-improvement website after all. Many people are looking for the ‘lifestyle hack’ or the quick fix to transform into this magically positive and productive person. Others are searching for the secret knowledge, or the one thing that can turn their life around. After over 2 decades in this field, here is what I have learned – it is not that complicated. There are many paths to discovering and living your greatness. What makes you great may be different than what makes me, your neighbor or your child great.
This is where it becomes a bit tricky for someone who is coaching others to become the best version of themselves. If everyone is unique, how can you develop tools and strategies that will work for everyone? There are universal principles, which can be customized to the individual, that when applied work for everyone. One of these is understanding how all of this works. One of the best ways I have discovered is by using analogies that make it easier to understand. That is what we are going to attempt to do here today.
Think of an apple. Let us say that one of your friends gives you an apple. As you begin to eat it, the thought occurs to you that you would love more of these delicious apples. Inside that very apple is a few seeds. What happens if you plant them? Does each one give you an apple? No, it is not a one for one turn around. What does happen, eventually, is you grow and apple tree. That tree has many apples. Each of those apples have several seeds. If you continue to replant the seeds, you end up with an orchard and all of the apples you can enjoy. In fact, you can even share the apples with others at that point.
You may be thinking, “Cute apple story Neil, but what does that have to do with becoming the best version of myself?” In a word, everything! That apple that someone gave you is a tool or strategy that can improve your life. Inside of each tool or strategy is a ‘seed’ of greatness. These seeds can even be found in challenges, chance meetings and pretty much any situation in life. When we ‘plant’ the seed. That is akin to putting what we have learned into action in our life. Here where the magic happens if we do it the right way. Let us take developing an attitude of gratitude as an example. When we plant the seed and begin to utilize gratitude in our life, not much may change right away. This is what happens when you first plant the apple seed. It takes a while to grow the tree. If we water and take care of the seed, the quicker the tree will grow and the sooner we will reap our harvest. This is what happens when we continue to take the self-improvement action even if we are not seeing the immediate results.
What would happen if we plant an apple seed and three days later there is no tree so we dig up the seed to see if it is working? One, we would disrupt and slow down the growth cycle of the seed. Done enough times, the seed will die and nothing will grow. This is what we do when we are filled with doubt or stop using the tools and strategies because we do not see results in the time we desire. It is like wanting the tree to grow overnight. It often does not work that way. If we stick with it and water that seed, so we will harvest more than we had initially. Think of practicing being grateful. If we do it long enough to develop an attitude of gratitude, our life will transform in far greater ways than just being thankful. Remember this analogy when you are not seeing results as quickly as you would like.
