Tag: Self-Help

WHAT WRITING AT STARBUCKS TAUGHT ME TODAY

The good-looking and charming gent above is me, while writing these blogs at my favorite Starbucks. While working here I tend to block out what is happening around me. This annoys Margie, but comes in handy when trying to complete a blog or book. The banter of the staff, the sometimes loud music and conversation of other patrons can be hard to block out for some. That is what Margie informed me of as she worked on her school work. For me, I get lost in the writing and look up to find an entirely different staff and group of people sitting around me. This happens more often than I care to admit.

Today was a little different. As I was writing my blogs I was casually observing the conversations being had around me. The staff here does an excellent job of greeting everyone who comes in. Quite often that greeting is followed by an inquiry as to the state of the individual. That could be a simple, “How are you today?” to something a little more in depth. It is nice to see that much engagement. Here is the crazy thing, most of the responses were negative. By most, I mean all of the ones that I heard. If you are keeping score at home, after being greeted by several employees and then asked how their day was going, most of the people had something negative to say. One man complained it was too sunny for him, only to follow up with the line, “At least it isn’t cloudy like it has been.” I thought to myself, “Wait, you are mad that it is sunny, but were not happy it was cloudy?” Between you and me, I do not think that leaves many other options.

In addition to these back and fourth quick engagements, I also caught pieces of conversations between several parties sitting down having coffee together. There were some discussing their disappointment the the state of government affairs. Another involved complaints about how their children were handling their lives. I understand wanting to vent to a friend. It is good for our mental health. Do you know what else is good for our mental health? Some positivity!

While discussing this with my friend Jason, he made what I think was a great analogy. When are we more likely to leave a review, after good service or bad? Here is the crazy thing, how do we feel after writing such a review? Sure, we may feel vindicated in the moment. We also usually relive the moment in our mind as we are typing. This often has us upset all over again. Now ask yourself, how do you feel after relaying good news to a friend? How do you feel after hearing their good news?

To recap, we feel worse when discussing something negative and happy when discussing something positive. In reflection, how much of our conversation falls into either category? I am just as guilty and find this a great opportunity to improve this aspect of my life. Here is my idea and I would love to hear yours. From now on when someone inquires as to my well-being, I am going to do my best to answer with something I am grateful for. This will accomplish two things at once. One, it will reduce my default negative response and two, it will also increase my overall feeling of gratitude.

I am inviting you to do two different things with me. Next time you are out in public, casually observe the tone of the conversations. If you work with the public, notice most people’s response to the question of how are they. Second, think of your own conversations and greetings. Do they involve “Finally being out of work.” or is it “Happy to be above ground!” Will you join me in answering the question, “How are you?” with something you are grateful for? I would love to know what you think about this and how you feel it will affect your life.

WHAT A BEAVER CAN TEACH US ABOUT LIFE

We might want to begin by clearing up a little confusion regarding the title of this post. Yes, it does say ‘beaver’ in the title. No, this is not a picture of a beaver. Yes, it is a picture of the moon. It was taken outside of my work this morning. It is known as the ‘Beaver Full Moon’. That is why we used the word beaver in the title. Now that we have all of that straight, let us focus on what it can teach us about life and how to live it better.

Throughout history, there have been many beliefs attached to the full moon. Some based on science. Most based on myth. The one I would take a look at revolves around using the cycles of the moon to focus on different aspects of our lives. This is not about some esoteric or metaphysical thought, but how to use those for a very practical application.

When we are looking to improve our lives, there are really 2 avenues to go about that. We are trying to add healthy attitudes and behaviors and we are also trying to eliminate unhealthy behaviors and attitudes. That is pretty much a given. Trying to do them both at once can be very overwhelming. The metaphysical thought about the moon cycles is that you should use them to focus on one of these at a time. As the moon goes from full to new moon, thus getting smaller, you should focus on things you wish would grow smaller in your life. Eat less junk. Have less negative self-talk. Take your pick. When the moon is going from new moon to full moon, thus getting bigger, you should focus on things you wish to grow in your life. This could be getting more physical activity. It could be showing more gratitude to your partner or in general. Again, this goes for any healthy habit.

I am not sure if the cycle of the moon helps our endeavors or not. What I do know is it is a constant rather large reminder in the sky we can use to help us on our journey of self-improvement. It can also reminder to focus on one side of the coin and then the other. We are less likely to be overwhelmed and more likely to be successful.

BE UNSTOPPABLE THIS MONDAY!

Do not let the fact that it is Monday stop, or even intimate you. Discover what is holding you back from reaching your goals. Make that your enemy. Remember to focus on what you can control. Placing the blame on outside people and circumstances only puts you under their control and makes you weak.

The truth is most of the time it is not a lack of resources that stop you, but a lack of resourcefulness. Use those people and circumstances for motivation, not for excuses. Do not let them stop you. Find what you can do inside of you to improve your situation and move closer to your goals. You’ve got this!

RULES FOR COUPLES ARGUMENTS

Many people ask what the secret of success to the success of my relationship with my beautiful lady is. It is not just focusing on how to create more happy moments, although that is important. Equally important is knowing what to do when the sun doesn’t seem to be shining on your love.

Knowing how to handle the “valleys” of a relationship is just as important as celebrating the “peaks”. Take a look at the list above. It is a good set of rules to have in place to ensure your love lasts a lifetime. Tell me what are some of the rules you have for disagreements that keep your love strong?

WHY “YOU’VE CHANGED” CAN BE A GREAT THING TO HEAR

Has anyone ever told you, “You have changed.” Usually, it is not a good thing. They are attempting to bring to our attention that a behavior or attitude that we used to have is changed. That makes most people uncomfortable. This holds true if our new behavior or mindset is contrary to the one they knew us to have. Perhaps you used to be the life of the party. You could drink a few beers, slam a few shots and would just take the next day off of work. Now, you drink water, are focused on your fitness and show up to work on time. If the person hung around with you before, it might make them uncomfortable to deal with the change. This is even more true if they have stayed the same.

Many people fear being left behind by friends who evolve. In some cases this fear is legitimate. If you are looking to change a behavior, it is quite helpful to no longer associate with individuals who engage in that behavior you are looking to leave behind. If you were formally close to that individual, it can be a little painful for that to happen. If you are the person worrying about being left behind, it can not only be painful, but scary as well. That is why they will tell you that you have changed with an attitude of making you feel as though you are not being authentic to yourself. Part of this is them transferring their fear and disappointment in their own progress on you.

A greater reason for people using the phrase, “You’ve changed.” is our inability to communicate our feelings. There really should be a class taught to us when we are young on how to properly say the often difficult things that we feel. Just yesterday I heard it said that “They tell you that you have changed because they do not know how to say you have grown.” That is something we must understand, growth takes change. If we stay the same we can stay stagnate. The picture above captures it beautifully. To become a butterfly, we cannot remain a caterpillar. Growth can be painful and many may accuse us of changing who we are, but just remember that is because they do not know how to tell us that we have grown.

ARE YOU SCOREBOARD WATCHING?

I heard something the other day that I really liked. I was listening to a motivational video and the person speaking, I think it was Eric Thomas, asked, “Are you scoreboard watching, or are you doing something to put points on the scoreboard?” We have all seen this in sports. You have players who look up at the scoreboard to see how the game is progressing. If the game is close, they might be far more focused. If they are behind and the game is drawing to a close, they will work harder. If the have a comfortable lead on that scoreboard, they might relax a little. If they are behind and there is little, if no, hope of catching up they might stop trying all together.

This is easy to see in the sports arena. It is also true in life. Many people are too busy looking at the scoreboard of life. This could be comparing themselves on social media, looking at how much money they have in the bank or just how far along they are on the goal they are pursuing. If they have a bill coming up and the bank account is a little low, they show up at work and are a great employee. If their friends on social media are all doing better than they are, maybe they feel like giving up and throwing in the towel. Maybe they look in the mirror and see they lost a few pounds so they indulge themselves in a cheat meal.

Then you see the opposite end of the spectrum. Those players who are giving it all in the game whether the game is close, they are far ahead or even when there is no hope to win at all. Coaches love these kind of players. Do you know who else loves this kind of mentality? The universe and world at large. When you do your best at work whether you have a bill to pay or not. When you stick to your health plan even after it appears it is working.

As an author, you need this mentality. It is exciting when you start writing a book. It is equally as exciting as you near publication. In between those two points are endless hours that you must labor intensely whether it seems to be working or not. It is the only way to succeed. The same is true about life in general. You must work hard no matter what life looks like. If you only work hard when motivation is there, you will achieve little or nothing. That may sound like an easy life, but it will actually make life quite difficult.

Ask yourself the tough question, “Am I scoreboard watching or am I doing something to put points on the scoreboard?” Does your behavior depend on outside circumstances beyond your control? If so, it is doubtful you will achieve any meaningful success in life.

PLAY LIKE IT IS THE FOURTH QUARTER

If you are a sports fan, you know what the fourth quarter is all about. Time is running out in the game. The chance for victory or defeat is getting tighter. Have you noticed how players seem to rise to the occasion during the last few minutes of a game? It is as if their minds become sharper, their bodies cease to feel the pain or tiredness that was starting to catch up to them. We have all seen teams that were down by what seemed like impossible odds comeback to, as they say, steal victory from the jaws of defeat.

The same holds true in the corporate world. The fourth quarter of a corporate year is when profit margins must be met. It would seem people’s talents come out then as well. Creative solutions that seemed to escape us throughout the year are forced to the surface as deadlines rapidly approach. Again, we seem to steal energy and be able to work a little harder and a little longer. We can wrap up projects we have been laboring away at in the first three quarters.

Most of us know about the two examples above. We have seen it happen, or maybe even been a part of it. What we may not realize it that it happens in other areas of our life as well. Relationships suffer the same fate. It is often not until divorce or a break-up is on the horizon that effort is put into the relationship. When the end is near, then we scramble to fix it. How many of us have heard someone say, “If only I knew they were so close to leaving I would have done more.” In order for us to not be the one saying it, we must realize something very important – it is the fourth quarter!

Whether that is our job, our relationship or the legacy we will leave behind, we never quite know when the fourth quarter is. “Oh, I am young so my fourth quarter is a way off.” you might find yourself saying. Really? Youth is not a guarantee of time. Tragedy and illness can take us all. Sure, the odds go up the more you go through life, but it can strike us at anytime. I recall being diagnosed with my heart issues. At the time I was doing cross fit at the gym and feeling great. There were zero signs anything was wrong. If it were not for a reading of a heart rate monitor, you might not be reading these words.

It is not only sickness or tragedy that can lead to an ‘early fourth quarter’. Think of relationships. One partner thinks everything is great only to come home and discover their partner has moved out after years of suffering in silence. The goal is to foster healthy communication so that this does not happen, but even then it is worth noting the possibility. Your job could suddenly need to lay off a percentage of it’s workforce for an unexpected reason. At that point you may have found yourself wishing you had been a better employee. It would also be a little too late.

If I were to offer any advice for the rest of your life it would be to live like it is the fourth quarter! Do this in as many areas of your life as you can. That is your job, your relationship, your health and your life in general. You never know when the fourth quarter will be. You could be in it and not even know it.

DON’T MAKE LIFE ABOUT STUFF.

One of the great strategies I advocate in my second book is writing your own eulogy. It will help you focus on what you want to be remembered for and let you know if you are living a life to be on track for that. If you would like to know more about this exercise and why it could be beneficial to you, feel free to check out my book, Living the Dream, available on Amazon.

With all of the people who have done this exercise, NONE have written anything about material possessions. This is interesting as the group that have done this includes many people, from many different countries with different beliefs and cultures. Still, not a single one wanted their eulogy to include mention of their “stuff”.

The irony in all of this is that we spend our lives in pursuit of pleasure and all of the trappings that go with it. We realize what truly matters in the end, but fail to focus on it. That is part of what makes the human creature a never-ending source of amusement.

Do not make your life all about your stuff. One of my favorite quotes is from Denzel Washington who said, “You never see a U-Haul behind a hearse.” All of the time and effort we spend on stuff and we can’t take it with us. Focus on friends, family and creating memories. That’s what really matters.

THE PAIN CAN BE A BLESSING

The last couple of posts we have been discussing being the light in the darkness and appreciating the present with love and gratitude. One of the challenges of this is when we are focused on our own self-improvement, it can come with a lot of growing pains. What we must do is realize that these growing pains are a blessing. Remember we cannot have growing pains without…well…growth!

Think of when you are working your hardest to overcome a negative habit. It can be so deflating at times. You promise yourself, and maybe even those closest to you, that you are going to the gym regularly. Before you know it, a week has passed and you find yourself “too busy” to focus on your health. Maybe it is your diet that you are working on fixing. As you are enjoying your second free doughnut in the breakroom, you are so upset with yourself. You could even mutter, “It is no use. I will never be able to beat these cravings.”

What many of us fail to realize is that these moments of disappointment in ourselves are signs that we are getting better. The fact that our perceived ‘failures’ are making us doubt ourselves, are signs that our goal has become more important to us. Celebrate the fact that you are feeling more pain at straying from your goal. Then, go on to use that disappointment in yourself as fuel to better your life. Next time you say no to the doughnuts in the breakroom, or go to the gym when you say you are going to, celebrate yourself. acknowledge that you have taken a step towards becoming a better you. Next time you drop the ball and disappoint yourself, remember the fact that you are experiencing growing pains is a blessing. You are growing and it is not always easy, but you are taking a step in the right direction.

HOW TO MAKE DARKNESS DISAPPEAR

If you have read either of my first 2 books, you know the story about the quote that inspired my personal and life transformation. It was “Better to light a candle than curse the darkness.”

There does appear to be a lot of darkness in the world these days. What we need is more light. We can all be a part of this solution. There are some great suggestions in the quote above. Be kind to yourself, love others and stay hopeful. It mentions when the path is unclear. I say try to develop an attitude of positive expectation. Even when life is going sideways, if you expect something positive to happen, eventually you will be right!

Remember, you can’t curse the darkness away in life anymore than you can in a darkened room. What do you do when you find yourself in a dark room? You turn on a light! Why should it be any different when you find yourself in a dark world? Be the light today. I would love to hear your suggestions for adding light in the comments below. I’ll leave you with the quote that inspired me.