Anger sucks. Feeling anger causes many poor physical symptoms. High blood pressure, depressed immune system, and impaired judgment. Can you imagine how maintaining these for any length of time could affect you? There are some people who live an angry lifestyle. Continuous high blood pressure can…well…kill you. That certainly is not envious. Short of killing you, there are many other bad options from high blood pressure. I will let you research that on your own. A constantly depressed immune system means you will suffer many more colds and illnesses. You will miss more work and not be as productive in general.
What is worse than anger? When you let someone else’s anger make you angry. It is like trying to put out a fire by throwing gasoline on it. If we are being honest, it can really be difficult to not get angry when someone is yelling at us. When we do, however, we fall victim to the three conditions mentioned above. We did not even mention the impaired judgement. Sure, what someone did to anger us is most certainly terrible. When we respond from that state of anger, the chances that it will be a good response is slim to none.
Work on mastering your emotional control and your response to anger. When you do become angry, realize your ability to judge the situation objectively is seriously compromised. Learning how to get yourself out of anger quickly will reduce the chances of having to deal with the consequences of choices made from a poor emotional state.
Today we are going to talk about the huge difference between two different words, reactive and proactive. Let us look at reactive first. When we put ‘re’ in front of a word, it means to do something again. If you think of what it means to reclaim something, it means you had it once, then you did not have it, now you have it again. In terms of our lives, when we react it is the same thing. There was an action and then it caused our action, or our reaction. That means our actions or behaviors, are predicated on the actions or behaviors of others. How would you like to live your life when how you feel, or how you act, is determined by others? I can’t imagine that you would feel in control of your life. In fact, you wouldn’t be. You would be at the mercy of outside circumstances.
What does it mean to be proactive? It means that we take action in advance of the upcoming situation. If you know you have an early morning, you may be proactive in your actions by putting your clothes out the night before, or getting the coffee maker ready. When you show up the next day you will be well-rested, well-dressed and on time. In short, you will look like, and act like, a pro. This not only works for getting up early. One of the best ways to be proactive is to work on controlling your thoughts, emotions and focus. Eventually, you will be faced with challenges to all of the above. If you are proactive when it comes to your self-control, you will be less likely to be reactive when the situation arises. This means if someone were to treat you unkindly, you would not have to react by feeling anger towards them or sadness based on their treatment of you. If you are able to control your thoughts, emotions and actions regardless of outside circumstances, that will make you a pro.
Invest in being proactive when it comes to improving yourself today. The result of such preparation will be more control over your life and less stress about it. Ask yourself, do you want to be at the mercy of the world around you and controlled by others, or do you want to be a pro?
Whether you are 18 or 80, the time has come to reclaim your life! What we are talking about here is taking control of the inner game. The time for surrendering to your emotions or the expectations of others is over. The time has come to give up having worry over things we cannot control. What the world needs is you living the life you were born too. That is a life where your soul is on fire and you are burning bright with the light that is your truth.
Just like the mythical phoenix, it is your turn to rise from ashes of your former life to soar higher and accomplish more! Our planet is in desperate need of people living their passion and purpose. No longer can we have a population of mindless zombies chasing the brass ring. The media has us believing that happiness can only be found in material objects. Big Pharma is telling us that it is a Prozac deficiency. Even politicians, and certain religions, have us hating those who are different than us. Family and friends may try to pressure us to take paths in life that do not align with our values and spirit.
Reclaiming your life may sound like a large and complicated affair, but it is not. My upcoming fourth book will tackle this subject in great detail. Right now I would like to share a few crucial steps that you can take to begin the process of reclaiming your life. First, write down a description of what you want in your life and the direction you would like it to go. Just having this ‘north star’ in which to navigate your life by, will put you ahead of the majority of people in the world today. It will allow you to see right away if the actions you are taking, or about to take, will bring you closer to the life you want, or take you further away. It will also serve as a great reminder of the reason to get out of bed every morning.
Next, come up with a routine that will have you taking daily steps to create the life you do not need a vacation from. This can sound like a near impossibility, but it is a lot closer than you think. Creating a routine, and taking small but measurable steps consistently will allow you to continually get closer to that life you only dreamed of. More importantly, it will allow you to enjoy the process. Doing so will assist you in maintaining the self-discipline to stay true to the process you have set in place. Knowing every day that dream life is getting closer will have feed the flames of passion and that fire in your heart.
Whether you take these two steps, or something entirely different, I implore you to take action to reclaim your life from a world that is trying to steal in from you. It is you who deserve to wake up every morning on fire with excitement for the day ahead. This fall my fourth book will give you a customizable plan to do just that. Until then, feel free to share any tools and strategies that you use, or will use to reclaim your life, and like the Phoenix, rise from ashes of mediocrity to live an amazing life.
One of the greatest curiosities that I face is people who either purchase one of my books, attend a seminar or speaking engagement and then ask if they really ‘have to’ do the things that I recommend. I find this to be very confusing. Presumably, you purchase a book like Living the Dream or A Happy Life for Busy People, to learn how to transform your life. When the proven tools and strategies are placed before you on the pages, you ask if you have to do them. What is the answer to that question?
The answer is a resounding ‘No’. You do not have to do a single thing to improve yourself and/or your life. Then again, you also do not have to have an improved life. According to our good friend Isaac Newton, “For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.” Meaning, if you do put forth the effort to improve an aspect of your life, be that diet, skill set or fitness, then your life will have no choice but to improve.
There is a lot to unpack about this fabulous first law of motion as it relates to self-improvement. First, an object at rest will tend to stay at rest unless acted upon by an outside force. Same is true with your life! Unless you act to change it, or more to the point, what you do not like about it, nothing will change. You must apply force to move your stagnant life. Second part is that an object in motion will stay in motion unless acted upon by an outside force. If feel like your life is in a downward spiral, you must again apply some opposing force to change that or it will continue to do so. Either way, action is required!
Bonus thought on the bottom of this. Objects with greater mass take more force to change their motion. That is to say, if you have been making poor decisions and neglecting your life for decades, it will take intense and consistent action to change that. Your life didn’t fall apart in a day, and it will probably take longer than that to turn it around. This isn’t theory. As you can see, it is an actual law of the universe. Do you have to take any action at all? Again, you do not. However, if you want to see change, according to law, you must take action!
Let us end the week just as we started it, with that loveable bear. Today, he reminds us to look at life as if it were a journey. This seems like a no brainer, as that is what life is. Yet, some of us, especially high achievers, like to view life as a continuous problem to solve. There will be problems to solve in life. That is true. However, if you view life as a succession of problems, you will have a life that does not feel very rewarding and fulfilling. Dare I say, your life will feel like you never get ahead and as soon as you have one thing figured out, another problem seems to crop up. Have you ever felt like that? I am sure there are times we all have.
Feeling like this throughout your entire life can leave you feeling defeated and may even have you questioning the purpose of life itself. If we remember that life is a journey, and like any journey there will be peaks and valleys, we will have a much better feeling. It is important to also consider that there are many things that you can only learn and develop in a valley. When you become rich and successful, you may not be able to see the beauty in the simple things of life. When the simple things are all you have, you appreciate them more. This can often manifest itself in romantic relationships. When you are in one for a long time, you can forget the pleasure that comes from receiving a hug after a hard day, or even having someone to listening to you when you talk.
Starting today, remember not only that life is a journey, but remember to see the beauty in that journey. Enjoy your journey, both the peaks and the valleys. For this is a journey we only get to travel once.
What a profound quote. “Death is not the enemy, a wasted life is.” Thinking of this, we should feel a real sense of urgency in our life. Most of us live as if we will never die. We all will. This thought should not fill you with fear or sadness, but rather create a strong desire to create a life worth remembering while you have a chance. I use the metaphor of an hourglass. Our life is like the sand that is going from the top to the bottom. It is continually decreasing. Here is the crazy thing, we never know how much sand is left in the top. We just know that it is less than it was a second ago.
Whether you are ending world hunger, inspiring all the people you can or raising the best children you are able, do something bigger than yourself. Have a goal to leave the world a better place than you found it. Do this in as many ways as you can and you will definitely lived a life worth living.
I did not intend to have this be a week about relationships, but it is Friday and here we are! I like the quote by Steve Jobs above, with a few caveats. I think after you have an experience where you connect the dots looking back, you can look ahead and begin to connect some dots and see a probable outcome. Sometimes, reflection is one of the best ways to guide your future. Does that sound confusing? Let me offer you a personal story to help better illustrate the point.
About a month ago, Margie and I visited the Bahamas. We had a great time. Part of the reason why, I believe, was we watched television. If you know anything about me, this is a shocking statement. I am not a really big television watcher. This, however, had a point to it. We watched a show called Bahamas Life. It featured people moving to the Bahamas, often from colder climates. They were given the choice of three houses and we tried to guess which one they would pick. We also told each other which one we would pick.
As the snow fell outside our windows and temperatures fell so low that polar bears were looking for sweaters, we watched scenes with turquoise waters and pink sand. It increased our excitement for our upcoming trip. After we returned from what turned out to be an amazing adventure, minus the air travel there, we were excited to continue watching the show now that we had more intimate knowledge of the places we were seeing. Sadly, there was only one episode left. What had become an almost nightly guilty pleasure was now over.
Here we are, over a month since we have returned to our colder northern climate and the most unusual thing happened the other day. I was returning from running errands for Margie while she created one of her culinary masterpieces. As I neared our house, memories of watching that show, snuggled next to my love, came flooding back. My thought was, “Wasn’t that a great memory? Finding a show about the very place we were traveling to.” At that very same moment, Margie has similar thoughts running through her head as well.
It was by connecting these dots looking backward that we realized what a magical moment that was. We were, indeed, creating a beautiful memory. What is the power in realizing that? Especially after it is all said and done? It is just one of many moments we can fondly recall to realize what a blessed and amazing life we have shared together. It will also allow us to keep an eye out for such moments that might be occurring in the near future.
Here is a picture of us from that fateful trip. Proof, as the Winnie-the-Pooh picture above so eloquently puts it, (Yes I did call Pooh eloquent) we didn’t realize we were making memories, we just knew we were having fun. How about you? Are there moments in your life that, looking back, you realize were amazing memories, but at the time just felt like you were having fun? I am sure there are. How about some in the future that might turn into some of the best memories in your life?
Last post, we took a look at the vital role that my love, Margie, has played in my self-growth. If you haven’t read that, I highly suggest you take a look. Today, we will answer the million dollar question, “How do you have a love that not only survives, but it thrives?” My fourth book, hopefully published this fall, will have an entire section devoted to creating a thriving relationship. I am going to give you two quick items to get you started. If you read to the end, there just might be a bonus item as well.
Isn’t falling in love great? Everything seems so new and fresh. You are constantly discovering new and exciting things about that special person in your life. What kind of toothpaste do they like? Do you both like the same kind of tortilla chips? How about salsa? Everything seems like one great adventure and you can’t imagine your life without them. What happens three years, three months or sometimes even three weeks down the road? You don’t care what kind of salsa they like, you just know you don’t like the fact they leave a dirty salsa bowl sitting on the table.
When we talk about ‘staying in love’ we are not talking about finding new ways to tolerate your spouse. No, we are talking about genuine passionate love and appreciation. We are talking about looking at the person across from the dinner table and honestly wondering how you got so lucky and being thankful you did. Does this sound like the “honeymoon phase” you hear everyone speak about? Can you not imagine that after staring at the same face for years? Do you feel your relationship is too far gone to ever have that feeling again? I am here to tell you that you can not only have that, but you deserve that. Come with me, I promise the journey to get there will be amazing. I say ‘journey’ because this is something that should never end. Think of your relationship like your fitness. If you get in the best shape of your life, and then stop working out, what happens? Do you stay in that shape? Of course not. It takes continual work, but the work is far easier and more enjoyable than the work it took to get in shape.
How can I say this with absolute certainty? Because I have been in the “honeymoon phase” with this lady for ten years! Constantly? No. We sure do have some ups and downs, but through it all our love stays alive and the magic may get challenged, but it never leaves. What is the secret? It is many things. Here is the first one – gratitude. You need to find reasons to be grateful for your partner all of the time. You also need to write them down. Why? If you keep them in your head, when the challenging times come, and come they will, it will be next to impossible to come up with them. Many people say, “Do I have to write down what I am grateful for in my partner?” No, you don’t. You also don’t have to have an amazing relationship either. The more work you put in, the more magic you will get out. Plus, let’s face it, writing down what you are grateful for about anyone is fun. You are thinking of the best of them and what they bring to your life. How could this do anything but increase the love and appreciation in your relationship? Now, when challenges come, take some time to review what you have written down. It is hard to remain completely upset at someone when you are staring at a sheet of things they do that add to your life. Especially when it is written in your own handwriting.
The second way to keep love alive is through pictures. Our minds think in images. When I ask you to think of a unicorn, what comes to your mind? An image of a unicorn. Not of the word unicorn. Not the sound a unicorn makes. (Anyone know what sound a unicorn makes?) No, your mind thinks in images. This is what makes vision boards to effective. If you want to keep the magic in your relationship, make a collection of images when you and your partner were loving, having fun or just being silly. I suggest having as many of these collections as you can. Have an album you can look at on your phone. There are places that can print out photo albums for you from those pictures. Imagine having that sitting on the coffee table when company comes over. They could see, and remark how in love you are. You could leaf through it at random moments to give your love a boost. One of the coolest ways is through those digital picture frames. You know the ones. They scroll through different images you download onto them. Image a frame that goes from one positive picture of your relationship to another. This can work for any relationship you have. Kids, parents, friends and, of course, loved ones.
BONUS ITEM!!!! If you read this far, here is a bonus item that will ensure your relationship stays fresh and passionate. That strategy is to have a compelling future for your relationship. If you have no idea why you are with this person, or where you want your life to go, it will be very difficult to keep love alive. above is a picture of myself and my very sexy lady in the Bahamas. We had such a great time meeting new friends, learning about the culture and exploring several islands. We already began talking about our next destination. Traveling the world is just one thing we have to look forward to in the future. The more compelling items you have in the future of your relationship, the more exiting it will be. Period.
Quick recap to a long post. If you want to keep your love alive, do these three things. First, list all the reasons you are grateful for that person in your life. Review these often and especially when you may not be feeling so loving. Second, have a collection of images that remind you of the special, and fun, bond you have. The mind thinks in images, so this will be especially powerful. Lastly, have a compelling future for the relationship so that you always have something to look forward to. These three things cannot only keep love alive, it can help revive a relationship that may be headed in the wrong direction. Putting these three items into play may have you feeling love you thought had left you a long time ago.
Today is uplifting Wednesday. It is a day filled with posts that encourage and give us that little bit of extra strength to make it through our journey. We are going to do things a little different today. I am going to share a little bit of my own personal journey. We will discuss how the growth happened, and what makes it continue to this day. It is my sincere hope that by doing this, many of you may take a look at your own journey and decide you can take your life to the next level as well.
A good portion of the people in my life currently have either come into my life, or became close to me in the last 10 years or so. As a result of this, they only know the current, or at least the last ten years, of the person I am. They somehow assume that I came out of the womb practicing and knowing the self-improvement tools and strategies that I use today. Although I have been in this field for over two decades, it really started to sink in roughly 12 years ago.
About that time, I was in a relationship of many years that was not healthy and honestly had probably ended long before it became official. Why? As is the case with all relationships, there was blame to go around. In reflection, judging my past self by the standards I have today, I was a terrible partner. At that point in my life, I was probably not even a very good friend or coworker. I was learning the tools of self-improvement, but my ego prevented me from putting a lot of them to use. It is impossible for us to make any change until we take an honest look in the mirror. This takes a lot of guts, ones I did not have at the time.
Two very important things occurred to change that. The first was a book I was reading – Theodore Rex by Edmund Morris. Not a self-improvement book at all, but a biography of Theodore Roosevelt. In it, I read about his father and some of the not so pleasant traits he had. I saw many of those traits in me. Good Ol’ Teddy’s journey too, was fraught with challenges that were not all that dissimilar to mine. He suffered from asthma as a young child. He also had many challenges where he had to build himself up on his own. That he did and he went on to become the leader of the free world, a hunter, explorer and many other things.
This inspired me. The “Hey, if he can do it, so can I!” way of thinking. Like I mentioned earlier, this was not a self-improvement book, but it really motivated me. I did the number one thing Tony Robbins recommends to change your life long before I heard him say it. That is, I raised my standards. It can be ok to be disgusted with what you see when you look in the mirror as long as you use that for motivation. I was sick of being anything less than the best version of me that I could be. At the time, I did not have many role models for what a good relationship should be, and my personal growth was so slow, that it wouldn’t have mattered much if I did. So, how did I manage to turn myself around and become, what I humbly say, is one of the hardest working men when it comes to relationships?
It all started with an argument with a lady with pink hair. I had met Margie months prior. We both happened to be coming out of relationships we had spent most of our lives in. One evening while we were hanging out as friends, endeavoring to get to know each other better, a disagreement occurred. When we are in a stressful state, we tend to revert to actions that are ingrained in us. This is what I did. If my memory serves, it turned out that I had a right to be upset. What I did not have a right to do, was communicate it the way that I did. I will never forget what the now love of my life told me. It was one simple line that changed my life forever. Was it a line from a romantic poem? Was it some sage advice passed down through the ages? No on both accounts. What she told me was the hard truth, and there was no denying it. She said, “Just because you are right, does not mean you can act like an asshole.” Doesn’t sound very life changing does it?
It was one of those moments, I don’t know if you ever had one, where you want to be upset at something someone said to you, but there is one problem – it is true. It was this moment, as well as many that followed, that Margie has held me accountable. Not to her expectations of me, but to the standards I have set for myself and our relationship. That is one of the great secrets of personal growth. Make sure the standards you have for yourself are higher than any outside expectation.
Not long after Margie and I got together, I recall sitting at a beer garden with my mother talking endlessly about this new, amazing woman in my life. In one of those moments of parental wisdom, my mother calmly informed me, “You know you will have a lot more arguments with Margie, but they will be a lot more productive.” She never could have guessed how right she would be. Not only has Margie held me accountable for the standards we have set for our relationship, and those I have set for myself, she has done something equally as amazing. Throughout our years together, I have watched her grow both in beauty and as a person. The more time goes by, the more amazing she becomes. I know the only way to not only keep a woman like that but, more importantly keep her happy, is to work equally hard on myself and our relationship. There is not a day that goes by where I am not working on something to increase the love between us and to become the best version of myself. Having an outstanding woman such as her in my life makes me want to be a better man and pushes me to do it now. That, my friends, is the power of love. Huey Lewis would be proud.
I hope this story has conveyed two very important points. First, no change can happen unless you are willing to take a long, hard, honest look in the mirror and identify what you will no longer tolerate in yourself and your character. That means no more making excuses. It means being painfully honest with yourself. This isn’t beating yourself up. In fact, it should excite you knowing that from this day forward you will continue to become a better version of yourself. This will help every relationship you have in your life. Not just your romantic one.
Speaking of relationships, that brings us to our second point. In any relationship, but most importantly your romantic ones, you should always strive to have personal standards that exceed any outside expectations. That includes both for the relationship as well as for yourself. It also means having a partner that knows those standards and is working on growth themselves. It means feeling gratitude and value for that amazing person in your life that makes you want to work harder. We are going to get into tools and strategies for doing that in our next post. These two items changed my life, and I promise they will do that same for you if you are brave enough to undertake them.
This really is one of the secrets to living an amazing life. Not to spend too much energy on things we cannot control. Instead of worrying about whether someone likes you or not, spend more time on making yourself the best you can be. That way, if anyone doesn’t like you, it is more about them than about you. Most of have heard the saying, “I might not be everyone’s cup of tea.” Here is one to consider. You could be the best cup of tea ever, and there will still be people who don’t like tea. I am a coffee person myself. That is to say, you could be amazing and some people still may not like you. Maybe they have prejudices or preconceived notions that have nothing to do with you.
Another example is focusing on what you can control in an uncontrollable situation. I dislike cold and winter. As I write this, I am looking outside at snow blowing and temperatures below freezing. Try as hard as I might, I cannot control the weather. What I can control is making sure I have warm clothes and a cup of hot coffee, as mentioned above. I also plan trips to warm destinations and try to convince the love of my life that spending the winters in the tropics is a far better idea. It is what I can control in a situation that I cannot control. Focusing on those things instead of trying to change the weather is a lot less stressful and a lot more productive.
Save yourself some stress and focus on what you can change. When you seem to be facing a challenge that is beyond your control, ask yourself, “What can I control in this situation that is beyond my control?” You may not be able to control your job downsizing, but you can control polishing your skills and networking to place yourself in a better position. You cannot control the economy at large, but you can control your own personal economy. Stress less. Worry less. Control what you can.
SECRET 2 AN AMAZING LIFE 