Tag: Relationships

OUR NEW MISSION 🫶

If you live in the United States, you are no doubt suffering from election and political burnout. In my mailbox, I received so many political ads I lost count. Most of them were filled with warnings of doom and gloom. The world ending if we voted for the wrong candidate. I wish I was being dramatic, but I am not. Couple this with radio ads, television, YouTube ads and the list goes on. Fear and hate were spread by both parties in abundance. I get it. Fear motivates people to take action. Now that the election is over, it is time for us to move on.

Even if you do not live in the USA, there is plenty of negative in the world. There is the wars in the middle east. There is the war in the Ukraine. Plenty of hate and negativity to go around. I am part Armenian. Lots of problems in that corner of the world. In short, there is grave shortage of love in the world. At least that is what we are told. If you spend your days with your eyes glued to the news, even the best of us can walk away disillusioned. What is the cure? Go out and talk to your neighbors. Not about recent political events. Not about war and what country is to blame. Talk about your favorite recipes. Talk about the dreams for your kids if you have any. Talk about your dreams and aspirations. Here is what you will find – your neighbors are not that different from you.

I am sure the people of Russia and the Ukraine wish the war was over. Families are being torn apart, economies are suffering. The only thing worse than global conflict, is to allow it to become generational conflict. Do not let the hatred of the few corrupt the love of the many. Find the beauty in those who are different from you. Yes, it can be hard. Yes, some may not deserve it. The truth is that we will never find peace if we continue to hang on to hate. It is a virus given to us by those we seek to divide us. Love can unite us and keep us moving forward. I am reminded of two quotes by great men. The first is by Martin Luther King Jr. “Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.” Eventually, someone has to have the compassion and bravery to forgive. We need to use love to drive out hate. That is the only way in which it will work.

The second quote is by Buddha. He said, “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” Our anger only succeeds in destroying us. Even if we can inflict some damage on the party we are angry at, it does not come without a cost to us. If we fill ourselves with love, again not always an easy task, it will only serve to help us. The first step to filling ourselves with love, is to practice forgiveness. Not only to others, but to ourselves.

It is apparent that in many areas, anger is spreading faster than ever. Instead of focusing our energy on ‘stopping the anger’, let us focus on spreading the love and joy. Let us begin by learning how to forgive those who hurt us, including ourselves. If hate can spread this fast, let us show one another how fast love can spread.

WHAT WE DO NOW..🗳

As you read this blog, the United States is going through a very important election. One of the more important in my lifetime. It will not only decides who will lead our country, but also many of the elected officials that will serve with them. This will help shape the future of the country for the next few years and beyond. As you might expect, it has also been one of the more polarizing elections as well. Understanding that our control is not so much in electing an official, but how we respond to our family, friends and neighbors. This is especially true of those who may vote or believe different than us.

I am writing this post long before the election is over. I have no clue who will win and it is really not important for the point we are making here. When the dust settles and those we have elected settle in to blaming each other for what is wrong, hopefully balanced out with finding solutions for it as well, we must set the example. Whether the election turns out in favor of your candidate or not, we should act with kindness and humility.

Another very important point is to not stress over national events. Often, quite often actually, political parties and the media will seek to divide us. They do that by filling us with fear and anger. Do not let this happen to you. Tomorrow we will look at wise words that will give us a much better option. Until then, realize that if you voted, you did your part. Focus on what you can control. That is the love you bring to others. Whether you are a force for good in your community or not. We cannot control what those in power do. What we can control is how we use our own power. Let us use it to empower, encourage and inspire. Let us use it to stay united and not give up that power to fear, anger and division.

YOU MIGHT BE ASKING THE WRONG QUESTION

This is a very difficult post to write, but one that I feel is so important. The reason that it is difficult to write, is that I want to make sure it comes out correctly. It is also difficult to explain in the small space of a blog, but I will do my best. The reason it is important is because it is a condition that almost everyone finds themselves in, myself included. It is one of the issues that I am asked about most. The answer is not easy and is seldom well received. What is the question? How can I get rid of the pain and sadness inside of my heart? This could stem from many things. It could be the loss of a job you really loved. It could be a heartbreaking separation. Most often, the pain comes from the loss of a loved one.

I think all of us reading this blog have experienced the loss of someone, if not more, that we really care about. You understand that initially the pain will be great. Depending on the individual, we have some arbitrary expectation as to when that grief may start to diminish or fade away all together. When we find ourselves breaking down in tears, months or years later we just can’t understand. How can we just make this pain go away? To me, that is asking the wrong question.

Trying to eliminate the heartache we feel with the loss of a love one, or whatever issue may be causing it, is like trying to change the current of the river because it is not going the direction we want. Often, the more we find ourselves fighting against our pain, the stronger it seems to get. What we should be asking is how to use our pain. One of the best ways it to understand the empathy and credibility that gives us when helping others going through the same situation. We can understand what they are feeling. We will have a far better idea what they need in their moment of grief.

Another thing that many of us fail to consider is that pain can come from some of the greatest blessings. If we feel a great deal of hurt from the passing of a loved one, for example, than there must have been a great deal of love felt before that. When we consider how many people have a true lack of love in their lives, than how blessed are we who, although it may be lost, have felt such deep love. There is the cliche “Better to lost in love than to have never loved at all.” Attributed to one of my favorite authors, Alfred Lord Tennyson I might add.

Lastly, is the gift we can get from the pain. Lost a great relationship from a mistake you made? Maybe love faded away? You are certain not to make the same mistake in the future and do your best to keep the flames of desire alive and burning bright. When we lose someone close to us, often the pain is mixed with regret. We wish we would have told them how we really feel, or went on a trip with them one more time. Feeling this pain can be the best motivation to love those we still have in our lives that much more. To make sure we never miss a chance to tell someone how much we care. We will spend the time to take that trip with them, or maybe just sit and listen. Knowing the pain and regret that comes with losing someone, we do our best to give the best of ourselves to those we are still blessed enough to have with us.

Does any of this make the pain go away? Not at all. Understanding the purpose in pain, and using it to serve us and others can make it a little more bearable. Next time you think about that failed relationship, learn how to do better and use the pain to motivate you to work on yourself. When tears fill both your eyes and heart thinking of the person you loved so much that has left your life, call or message a friend and send them as much love and encouragement as you can. This has helped me deal with pain in my life. I hope it will help you too.

MIRROR OR A CELL PHONE 📴

As a speaker, one of the things I enjoy doing is watching other speakers. I can see how they use their body language, how they use their words to get their point across and a million other things. Even things I do not like about their delivery can help me improve my own. To this point, I found myself watching a live seminar by one of my favorite speakers. During his performance, I witnessed something I have never seen at a motivational seminar – a heckler. Why on earth would you go somewhere to be motivated only to heckle the speaker, I have no idea.

This gentleman is a rather passionate and aggressive speaker. If you had your heart set on derailing a motivational seminar, his would not be my first choice. He is also a very smart and quick-witted gentleman. After the heckler had called him a “fake” and said all of his stuff “doesn’t work”, the man calmly asked the man one simple question. “What kind of phone do you have sir?” The man quickly pulled out the latest iPhone. When asked how much it cost the young man, he sheepishly replied his parents had purchased it for him. Passing on the opportunity to address this, the speaker simply asked how much the phone had cost his parents. “About $1000 dollars I guess.” was the young mans reply. Without changing his tone, the speaker asked the young man one final question, “You spend $1000 every year to update your phone. When was the last time you spent $1000 to upgrade yourself?”

I was obviously cheering for my fellow speaker until I realized something. He could have been talking to me. How long had it been since I invested in myself. Sure, I have bought new shoes because I thought they would help me workout better. If I bought a new cellphone I might be able to upgrade my YouTube videos, but that is not investing in myself. That is buying myself new things. What if I invested that money in courses or books to gain more knowledge? That would upgrade my videos in a much better way. I realized it had been quite some time since I had invested in myself.

We often view investing in ourselves as something indulgent or selfish. That is foolish thinking. Look around at the people closest to you in your life. Do you think they would benefit with an improved version of yourself? How about your career? Do you think improving yourself could lead to some advancement or additional compensation? I think we can agree that the answers to all of those questions would be ‘yes’. We are actually improving the lives of those we care about, and the world at large, by improving ourselves and striving to be the best version of ourselves. It is actually a very selfless thing to do.

As the new year approaches, let us all work a little bit harder to balance investing in material things, with investing in ourselves. That investment does not always have to be financial. Committing an hour three days a week to working out is an investment in ourselves. Investing time to read or meal prep is also investing in ourselves. Learning is an investment in ourselves. Therapy or meditation is an investment in ourselves. Saying ‘no’ when our spirit is drained is investing in ourselves. How do you plan on investing in yourself in the new year?

YOU DIDN’T KNOW 🤔

This continues the theme we were discussing yesterday. You should never be too hard on yourself if you are working to get better. This is easier said than done. Who doesn’t have those moments in their life that upon reflection fill them with feelings of guilt and regret over the way they acted or the choices they made? We all do. I certainly know I do. Those feelings serve a purpose. When you feel that pain, it makes you never want to act that way, treat people that way or whatever else it may be. That is not necessarily a bad thing. We can put that to use for us.

When it becomes detrimental is when that paralyzes us from taking action in the present. You must forgive yourself for past mistakes. Yes, it may have been hurtful. Yes, it could have hurt someone’s feelings. You definitely would take it back if you could. You can’t. You have learned. You have made many positive choices and decisions since then. You have learned. If you are punishing the present you for the actions of the past you, then you are convicting an innocent person.

As the year draws to a close, let us all work on being a little kinder to both each other and to ourselves. Creating and maintaining a positive self image will go a long way to helping us treat others with more kindness and compassion.

ONLY 3 MONTHS LEFT! 😳

Time is ticking my friends! Whatever goals you have set for the year are still a possibility. What you need to do is get rid of the distractions. It is not just Betty who keeps on bringing over doughnuts, or Bob who keeps telling you that you can come over and watch the game and eat pizza instead of going to the gym. It is also your phone, your social media account, the television remote and Netflix. Whatever is keeping you from accomplishing your goals is the enemy.

For the rest of the year, focus on you! That way we can bring the best version of ourself to the rest of the world next year. We can improve every aspect of our life at once by improving ourself. How can you improve the version of you that shows up to work everyday? How can you improve the version of you that you bring to your relationship? Even a general improvement in yourself such as your physical fitness or overall health will positively impact every area of your life. Can you imagine how much more productive a healthy version of you would be at work? Would more energy and stamina brought to your relationship improve it? I think we all know the answer to that.

For the remainder of this year, focus on you and improving you. If this makes you feel guilty, remember it is actually one of the most selfless things you can do. Creating a better version of yourself will benefit all of those you come in contact with. What are some ways in which you will work on creating a better version of you in these last three months of the year?

LESSONS FROM A FUNERAL 🙏

This past Saturday, I attended a funeral for the mother of a gent I used to hang around with in the neighborhood many years ago. We had lost touch after his family had moved away when we were still young. It turns out that he manages a bakery not far from where I live. One that my mother likes to frequent quite often. As is the case in these situations, I wondered if this gentleman would even remember me. After our first introduction, I wasn’t clear if he recalled who I was. Understandable considering the stress of losing someone so close and how many years it had been. My purpose for being there was just to offer support and letting him know how many people care.

A few moments later, I was sitting having some of the snacks they had put out discussing things with my mother. She had known the family as well and went with me. As we were discussing the days gone by, my friend walked up to our table. “Do you know what I feel my children will never have that we had?” He inquired. I indicated that I did not know where he was going with this. “Having friends to just hang around with in the neighborhood.” He went on to mention another gent we often shared time with and things we did. It seemed to me that who I was might have dawned on him in the time since the introduction.

We went on to discuss how today’s kids spend a good deal more time online instead of in person. We undoubtedly sounded like two old men. The more I pondered the change in social interaction over the last few years, the more it astounds me. The sense of adventure that can be had taking your bicycle out with a few friends cannot be replicated online. Covid threw a further wrench into our ability to socially interact. This is not to say “Things were better back in my day.” We discussed how the internet and social media can keep us connected in ways that would have been impossible back in our day. He used the example of his wife discovering a ‘mom group’ that allowed her to connect with other mothers in the neighborhood. In this way technology can make face to face interaction easier. The trick is not to allow social media to replace face to face interactions all together.

I walked away thankful I could offer support to a friend in a very dark time. I was also grateful for the lessons and thoughts he shared with me. We must work to make sure that the generations to come still have a chance to explore with friends. As adults, we must make sure to blend in person social interaction with online interaction. We must also learn to treasure friendships that last throughout the years.

BEFORE IT EXPIRES! 😳

The other night I had a heartbreaking experience I am sure many of you have had. Reaching into my pocket, I found a rather good coupon. $10 off it said. It happened to be on a product I use, and was in current need of. While I was at the store, I placed the item in the cart and proceeded to the checkout. With the price of everything going up, I was happy to be saving that amount of money.

As the cashier scanned my items, I handed her the coupon. She scanned it and then looked up at me with a kind of look that was a mixture of shock and disappointment. “This coupon expired.” she stated. After a dramatic pause, she added “It expired last year.” Apparently I need to check my pockets more often. This valuable ten dollar offer was now just a useless piece of paper. Embarrassed, I just paid and left.

I thought about how many times Margie and I have scrambled to use coupons before they expire. Occasionally, even stocking up on an item just to take advantage of the money saving. Then I came across this quote and pondered how many of us realize our life, much like our coupons, have an expiration date. The tricky bit? We never know when that is.

We scramble to save a dollar off a gallon of milk, but do we work as hard to make the most of our life before it expires? If you had a date stamped on your backside that send when you expired, how long would you wait to start making the most of your life? Would you wait until the date was almost upon you to start acting? Would you start now and take the most advantage of it?

What is tragic is that far too many of us find ourselves in the situation that I did in the grocery store. We wanted to put our life to good use, but now it is expired. I have known many people who had great plans and ambitions, but never realized them before their expiration date. Les Brown says the richest place in the world is the grave yard. There you will find books never written, albums never recorded, love never expressed, and dreams never realized.

Don’t let your expiration date catch you by surprise. Make the most of your life today! Write that book, record that album, tell that special person you love them. Most of all, whatever it is, chase the dream. There are only so many more tomorrows.

IT IS LOVE, NOT AN ATTACK.

Recently, I hired a personal trainer. I have been going to the gym three times a week for years now. Getting another person’s, and a professional, guidance seemed like a good thing to throw in the mix. Between her knowledge of the fitness realm mixed with my knowledge of my body, we can get a lot accomplished. That is, if I am willing to work with her. Some of the things she has me do makes my muscles sore and certainly works muscles I may not use as often as I should. Although there is occasional cursing under the breath, it is not directed at her. After all, what she is having me do will make me a leaner and stronger person in the end.

This seems pretty obvious when it involves a personal trainer. The tricky part is when it also comes from those we love giving us constructive criticism. When we hear anything about us that is not pleasant, our first thought is often to rebel against it. This could include countering the point the person has made, or maybe even coming up with a return criticism of our own. In doing so, we miss the gift this could offer us. An outside view of an area of our person that may be lacking in some fashion.

When we are pushed to improve, it can not only be an act of love, but a demonstration of belief. It is showing that the other party believes that we can be better than what we truly are. It is true that this can still be difficult. This is especially true when the other party is not very skilled at delivering this pushing of us to get better. What will make us great is being able to take that criticism, no matter how it is delivered, and act instead of reacting. Thanking someone for pushing us to become greater despite how uncomfortable it makes us feel, is a secret to an amazing life.

SUCCEED NO MATTER WHAT! 🥇

Here is how to succeed no matter what the situation. Have you ever heard something like this? “My dad was an alcoholic, that is why I became one.” At the same time, have you also heard this? “My dad was an alcoholic. That is why I will never touch the stuff!” That is the negative side of things. It works the same on the flip side. There are people who succeed because they grew up in a wealthy family and learned all the important financial lessons. There are those who grew up in a wealthy family and ended up in rehab or worse because they never learned responsibility.

When you find yourself in a positive situation it can be pretty easy to learn from. Take our friend who grew up in a financially well-to-do family. He could learn how his parents managed money. He could learn investment strategies. He could learn the value of hard work. He could see the example of the power of money to provide personal freedom as well as to help others. There would be many fine examples to learn from.

What about our friend with the alcoholic father? He could learn a lot of valuable lessons as well. He could see the negative results of alcohol on both the health and relationships of his father. He could see the financial strain it can put families under. He can see the undesirable people and situations that addictions can put us in contact with. There are many lessons in struggles. He could use these as motivation to not turn out as his father did.

We are not pretending life is so black and white. Any life is seldom just a warning or an example. We can use any situation for good or for bad. The choice is ours. If we choose, and are committed to using everything to serve us, than it doesn’t matter whether that situation or person is positive or negative. We can use it to learn and to grow and move ourselves forward. That is the secret to an amazing life.