Tag: Neil Panoisan

ADVICE TO A FRIEND

Here is a real-life situation that I wanted to share because it affects a lot of us. Your situation may not be exactly the same, but I bet you can relate in some form or fashion. A gentleman at work asked if he could run something by me that he was dealing with. Always happy to help a friend I quickly said “Yes.” He told me his brother discovered his wife had been cheating on him, was planning to leave him. That of course made him feel worthless and in this case he was thinking of all kinds of unpleasant ways of dealing with the situation.

This friend was very concerned for his brother and could relate. He said that he had tried talking to his brother, but feeling as he did, his brother did not want to talk to anyone. In a desperate situation, he asked me what I would do. Here was my best advice. I asked what his brother was good at. He told me his brother was an expert on music trivia. I told him to tell his brother he had a music question and he knew he was exactly the person who could help him with it. This would do several things for his brother. First, it would help him realize that he did have skills and value. Sure, music trivia may seem insignificant, but when you are feeling useless, anything helps. Second, it will give his brother an opportunity to help someone. This will give a feeling of purpose and value as well. In addition, by giving help, he may feel a little more comfortable asking for help. It would help ‘balance the scales’ if you will. In thanking his brother for the help, it would also give his brother a sense of accomplishment. Letting him know that he did do something good for someone.

What would you have done in this situation? Have you ever found yourself in the same situation as my coworker, or maybe even as his brother? It is so important to know that we all have value. It may not be in the area we are currently wanting it to be, but we are very valuable just the same. The world would be a lot darker without us in it. When we are feeling down, we need to be reminded of all the good we can do. It may be as simple as helping others. Regaining that feeling of value and accomplishment.

On another note, this is why it is so important to remind all of the people in our lives of their value and importance. You never know when they will be hit by something that seems stronger than them. Everyone needs to be reminded of their strength. Think of someone you can do this for today. Do not wait until someone is hurting to remind them how special they are.

COME PLAY IN THE SANDBOX

We touched on this a few posts ago when looking at the ‘Golden Rule’ and how many belief systems include it. We do have a lot more in common that most of us would feel comfortable to admit. What about those pesky differences? The ones that keep wars occurring, people arguing and relationships ending? How can humanity survive all of that? By learning to play in the sandbox together. Again, this is a lesson we can learn from our children. On any given day, you can see a group of children who are all different playing together in the sandbox. They might be from different economic levels, different religions and different races. The only important thing to them is helping each other build a sand castle.

As an adult life cannot really be that simple though, can it? Yes, it can. These children do not mind that each other are different. As a matter of fact, they are focused on the moment and what they have in common – they are all playing in the sandbox. The sandbox can represent life itself. We are all playing in the same sandbox that is life. We might be trying to build different sand castles, but we are all doing the best we can. As I look around the coffee shop where I am writing, there are many people who are all different. Different ages, different genders and different social groups. We are all here drinking some sort of beverages and working on things in our life. It could be reading a book or finishing a term paper. The fact is that we all chose to come to the coffee shop to work on something. Even if that something is just connecting with and sharing conversation with a friend.

You can see how even in that example there are both differences we could focus on, or we could chose to focus on what we all have in common. The difference? Well that is also stated in small letters at the bottom of the picture above – “Be happy, enjoy life”. By choosing to focus on what we have in common instead of our differences we will do just that. We will be happier and enjoying life a lot more.

REGRET SHOULD BE FUEL

There certainly have been some things in my past that I regret and I am that proud of. How about you? I think most of us have a few of those. How do they affect you currently? Beating yourself up over them is not very healthy. It can be rather counter productive. It can ruin self-confidence, increase doubt and have you feeling down. Is the answer to forget about them all together? Not at all. Making a mistake and forgetting all about it can doom you to repeat the same one. Like the ‘Groundhog Day’ of bad behavior. That would not be good for anyone.

If the answer is not to dwell on them or forget them, than what are we supposed to do with all of the things we regret? If you are looking to live an amazing life, than put them to work for you! Let them help you to live a more rewarding life going forward. Perhaps you were not as appreciative of a gift that someone worked hard to give you in the past and that really haunts you. In that case, make sure to be grateful for the actions and gifts that people bring to you going forward. Let that memory serve as a painful reminder of how it feels when you are not grateful, or at least do not express it as much as you would like to.

All regrets can be put into use this way. That way, even regret can serve as something useful for us. In your life do you have any regrets? If so, how can you use them to improve your life going forward? This is a question we must ask ourselves. We all have regrets. The better we are at using them to improve our life going forward, the better our life would be. Turn your regrets from something holding you back to a tool to help move you forward starting today!

LIFE IN 1 SIMPLE RULE

We all too often make life much more complicated than we need to. I believe this is just human nature. “It cannot be that simple.” we catch ourselves thinking, or even saying out loud. It many cases, yes it can be. Take for example the rule above. We have probably heard it a million times growing up. It exists in almost every major belief system, as you can see below. How many of us really put it into action?

There is what I will call a rather ‘unenlightened’ gent at my day job. He is rather closed-minded. Not really well read or well traveled. This leads to some very interesting conclusions. On a side note, it provides further proof that reading, traveling and getting to know other people and cultures is so important. The other morning a group of coworkers were discussing a disagreement between to religious groups. His conclusion probably should have been kept to himself but he chose to share it with everyone. “Why don’t those people just understand their religion is wrong?” The group he was referring to was, of course, the one who had a different belief than he did. I asked him what if they were thinking the same thing about his religion. “That can’t be because mind is the right one.” He said this as if it was a widely accepted fact.

 

As you can see in the photo above, most belief systems share this same ‘Golden Rule’. I believe doing onto others as you would like done onto you can be applied to judging others and their beliefs. Believing that your way is the one and only way can be fine when applied to yourself. Having a strong conviction in your beliefs is a good an admirable thing. Believing that the world and all the people in it must conform to them is a different thing entirely. Once again, think if you were on the receiving end of that belief. How would you feel about someone telling you that your belief was wrong and you must convert to their belief system? Not very good I would imagine. That is why we should not do it to others. As long as it does not include harming others, we should all be entitled to believe and worship as we see fit. We can differ and still be respectful. As you see above, many of the important things we may word differently, but still agree on. Let us focus on that.

YOUR SEEDS OF GREATNESS

Let us have a discussion about the journey of self-improvement and becoming the best version of yourself. This is a self-improvement website after all. Many people are looking for the ‘lifestyle hack’ or the quick fix to transform into this magically positive and productive person. Others are searching for the secret knowledge, or the one thing that can turn their life around. After over 2 decades in this field, here is what I have learned – it is not that complicated. There are many paths to discovering and living your greatness. What makes you great may be different than what makes me, your neighbor or your child great.

This is where it becomes a bit tricky for someone who is coaching others to become the best version of themselves. If everyone is unique, how can you develop tools and strategies that will work for everyone? There are universal principles, which can be customized to the individual, that when applied work for everyone. One of these is understanding how all of this works. One of the best ways I have discovered is by using analogies that make it easier to understand. That is what we are going to attempt to do here today.

Think of an apple. Let us say that one of your friends gives you an apple. As you begin to eat it, the thought occurs to you that you would love more of these delicious apples. Inside that very apple is a few seeds. What happens if you plant them? Does each one give you an apple? No, it is not a one for one turn around. What does happen, eventually, is you grow and apple tree. That tree has many apples. Each of those apples have several seeds. If you continue to replant the seeds, you end up with an orchard and all of the apples you can enjoy. In fact, you can even share the apples with others at that point.

You may be thinking, “Cute apple story Neil, but what does that have to do with becoming the best version of myself?” In a word, everything! That apple that someone gave you is a tool or strategy that can improve your life. Inside of each tool or strategy is a ‘seed’ of greatness. These seeds can even be found in challenges, chance meetings and pretty much any situation in life. When we ‘plant’ the seed. That is akin to putting what we have learned into action in our life. Here where the magic happens if we do it the right way. Let us take developing an attitude of gratitude as an example. When we plant the seed and begin to utilize gratitude in our life, not much may change right away. This is what happens when you first plant the apple seed. It takes a while to grow the tree. If we water and take care of the seed, the quicker the tree will grow and the sooner we will reap our harvest. This is what happens when we continue to take the self-improvement action even if we are not seeing the immediate results.

What would happen if we plant an apple seed and three days later there is no tree so we dig up the seed to see if it is working? One, we would disrupt and slow down the growth cycle of the seed. Done enough times, the seed will die and nothing will grow. This is what we do when we are filled with doubt or stop using the tools and strategies because we do not see results in the time we desire. It is like wanting the tree to grow overnight. It often does not work that way. If we stick with it and water that seed, so we will harvest more than we had initially. Think of practicing being grateful. If we do it long enough to develop an attitude of gratitude, our life will transform in far greater ways than just being thankful. Remember this analogy when you are not seeing results as quickly as you would like.

1 SENTENCE ON LIVING LIFE

It is with a great sense of compassion that I write this. It is true that a lot of people are victims of not knowing what they do not know. In today’s world, unless you live in a dictatorship, you have access to more information that the richest and most powerful had just a few years ago. If you think in any way this sounds condescending, let me assure you that I can use myself as an example.

Before the year 2000, my life was a mess. My relationships, my career and my health. There was no direction to my life. Self-improvement? That was something I heard about in passing. My childhood consisted more of a “pull yourself up by the bootstraps” sort of thing. Studying the power of the subconscious mind or the importance of taking care of your mental health? Never was a topic discussed. Let us face it, the public education system when I grew up was worried more about you finding the surface area of an ellipse than how to manage your stress and find direction in your life.

The point was that I was ignorant. How do we go from there to someone who teaches seminars on self-improvement, has a daily blog and three published books on the subject? It all began with a Tony Robbins infomerical. Yes, it was 3am and I was getting ready for work and you could get a ‘free trail’ if you called now. So, half asleep, I did call. It was so long ago that I was sent a tape cassette. I listened to that thing over and over again. I have come across many great sources sense that day, but Tony had, and still does, a great talent for speaking directly to the person listening.

The whole story is chronicled in my first book, A Happy Life for Busy People. After much hard work and the influence of my beautiful lady, Margie, my life is one I am happy and proud to live. Is there work to do? Of course. David Goggins (I told you there were more influences) puts it best, “There is no finish line.” Becoming the best version of yourself is a life-long journey. Matthew McConaughey says his hero is him 10 years from now. Meaning the more enlightened and knowledgeable version of himself.

The key thing to getting started is knowing that nobody is coming to save you. You have to put in the effort. If you do not know what to do, go to the library, go online and get the information. Take the actions and get started. Where you started from does not matter. What you do about it is what counts!

THE REAL POWER OF A MAN

This picture and quote is obviously meant for a romantic relationship. It also could work both ways, for a man or a woman. A true measure of success is the joy your life brings to those around you and the world at large. In my humble opinion, this also holds true of the planet as well. An animal you helped may not be able to smile, but knowing that you could positively affect the life of another living creature means that you are a success. Picking up litter and helping the planet, also a success.

In a world where we all too often measure success in material means, we may forget what true success looks like. It looks like the smile on the person next to you. What good would it do if your business is booming, you drive the latest car and live in the biggest house if your family is suffering? What good does it do you to be a public success and a private failure? That is why we see so many celebrities that we feel have it all going in and out of rehab or worse. They may have bought the big house, but they never took care of what was in that house.

The same can be said of judging success by looks. Yes, it is important to be healthy. What good would an amazing body and dazzling looks do if you have a heart full of anger and jealousy? Again, you took care of the body, but forgot about what is inside the body. By developing inner peace and compassion, you will treat others with the same. That will make people smile for sure. In a world that is filled with chaos and people looking for their 15 minutes of fame, true success would be putting smiles on the faces of others.

1 THING THAT DRIVES ME CRAZY

One of the things that drives me crazy is people who explain away bad habits, a negative attitude or abusive behavior with the phrase, “That is just the way I am.” In a world where you can change literally anything about yourself, it is no longer ‘just who you are’. No, the correct phrase would be, “That is who I am choosing to be.”. When you do your best to excuse away your character flaws it says two things. One, you do not have the self-awareness or self-discipline to work on improving yourself. Two, you choose to let your emotions control you instead of controlling them.

Saying “That’s just the way I am.” makes you look lazy and disrespectful. This is not saying that you need to change yourself to please someone else. No. Having quirks and creative differences make us the beautiful unique creatures we are. When you find yourself making that statement after describing a negative behavior, no that it is a choice. “He wants me to control my temper, but that is just the way I am.” Really translates to those of us hearing it to “I have an anger management problem that I am too self-centered to work on.” If you enjoy having a bad temper, that is on you. To pretend that is something that is ‘just you’ and that you cannot change is not true.

Conversely, when you hear someone say “I am working on that.” They not only sound instantly more respectful, but also more self-aware and self-disciplined. None of us are perfect. There are all things we need to work on. If you find yourself adding the phrase “That is just who I am.” after a negative behavior, you should realize that you are making an excuse. There are no areas in our life that we cannot work to improve. Be the type of person who says, “I am working on that.” Even more to the point, be the type of person who does. You will not only receive more respect from others, but you will come to respect yourself more.

BE THIS KIND OF PERSON

There is so much good stuff to unpack in this quote. It is true that the world seems bent on gaining your 15 minutes of fame. Often, just for the ability to be famous. Many do not apply that fame to anything worthwhile. The truth, as revealed in this quote, is that you do not have to be famous. You do not have to even be seen, popular or well-known. One of the most powerful things you can do to stand out is to be kind. Be the kind of person who makes people smile.

When I mention this to others, they often reply with a little bit of sarcasm. “How Mr. Rogers of you.” I hear. One lady even looked at me and replied in a bit of a condescending manner, “Nobody smiles anymore.” Despite her tone, she wasn’t wrong. This is exactly why we need to do it more often. The examples of making cashiers smile, waiters laugh and lonely people feel seen, that is world-changing stuff. So many people do the opposite. That is why kindness not only makes you rare, it makes you extraordinary! Kindness is even more valuable and treasured due to the fact it is so rare.

If you feel the need to stand out, do so by being kind. There is very little competition and the payoff is creating a world that is a brighter place for us all. The world needs more of that. The world needs more of your kindness.

PERCEPTION CREATES REALITY

To many of you this may sound cliche or, at the very least, like some positive thinking nonsense. I do suppose it could be a little of both. That does not make it any less true. Much like anything in life, familiarity breeds contempt. Almost nobody I know enjoys going to work. If they lost their job, however, they would be happy to have an opportunity to earn money. Once back at a job, how long before they start to grumble about ‘having to get up early’? I am guilty of this myself.

My lovely lady is one of the most vocal critics of going to the gym. I think she spends so much time dreading it she might burn more calories doing that than working out. She did put this whole thing in great perspective the other day. After some introspection and contemplation, she looked at me and said, “I hate going to the gym, but I love how I feel when I leave.” Meaning going through all the sweating, moving your body when you do not want to and sore muscles are not enjoyable. Leaving knowing that you put in the effort and are one step closer to a healthier you is a great feeling. Wisely, she focuses on the future to be able to propel her to take productive action. It is a way to trick overcome her brain’s desire for inaction.

Speaking of working out. Recently, I sustained an injury that will prevent me from doing some things that I both enjoy and need to do. Now that I cannot do them, guess who is motivated to do them? Of course after the surgery I am going to be so motivated to go back to doing these exercises, right? That may be true in the short term, but after a few days of soreness from starting over, I will probably go back to dreading them. How do we change this to a constant state of motivation to do the things we know we need to do?

Many people ask how to stay motivated to take the actions they need to. I have written several books on the subject myself. It is the wrong question to be asking. Yes, it is good to have more motivation. Yes, it is good to find new and different ways to be motivated. Even with all of that, we will never be motivated all of the time. Not to mention, for most of us, motivation is a depreciating asset. As discussed in the earlier examples, you can be motivated at the start, but as time goes on that motivation becomes more difficult to maintain. What we need is a change in perception.

Inky Johnson, one of my favorite speakers, says that perception drives performance every day of the week. He emphasizes how important why we do what we do is. I couldn’t agree more. If you are working just for yourself, that is one kind of motivation. If you have a spouse and family depending on you, that is an entirely different kind of motivation. There is a difference between someone who works hard and a hard worker. Someone who works hard will do so if the boss is watching or the pay is right. Someone who is a hard worker will work hard because that is their character. That is the promise they made to themselves. How about you? What is your perception on doing the difficult things in life?