Here is a subject that we have talked about before on this site, but I was reminded that many of us still have not got the message. There are so many of us that are lack the bravery to share their true self with the world because they base their value on the opinions of others. That is why I liked the quote above so much. If we think of ourselves as that flower, how sad would it be if we could only bloom if someone else watered us? Many are still like this. That is why we need to both encourage ourselves, as well as be aware of all the good we bring to the world. You are a rockstar no matter how large the audience is or is not.
The only thing that saddens me more is someone who lets others determine their worth. If you asked someone directly, “Would you let anyone tell you how much you are worth?” Most of us would answer a resounding “No!” Yet, this happens all too often. Recently, I heard of a woman who even said she felt like ending her life because a man she was recently dating was mad at her. You may be thinking what some dramatic teenager has to do with your life. Here is a surprise, that woman was in her 70s. She had not learned to value herself enough that the opinions of others do not define her.
This is not to say you should not care how you effect others. If what you do hurts someone, you should recognize that and work on becoming a better version of yourself. We should be on a journey of becoming the best version of ourselves. When we are, if others do not value us, we know that our life still has value. I am here to tell you that every life has value. We can all make a difference and all have our own unique gifts to bring to the world. Do not let anyone convince you of anything less.
This quote is new to me, but the idea is not. When I am having a hard time staying committed to the actions that will improve my life, such as going to the gym on a cold raining morning, I think of those who believe in me. There are days that I do not feel I have the energy to write these blogs, but I think of all the encouraging comments I have received from all around the globe. These wonderful friends believe in me, I do not want to let them down. It can be hard to believe in ourselves. It can often be easier to think of those who do believe in us and let their belief carry us through until we can develop belief of our own.
One of the greatest motivations is pride. When you look in the mirror, do you like the person looking back at you? Sure, they might not be perfect, but if they are working their butt off to improve, you have to be proud. Sometimes, that feeling of pride isn’t enough. Then what? I will tell you what works for me. It might work for you. I think of all the important people in my life. When I do not want to work out, I think about giving Margie a man she can be proud of. Not only one that is in shape, but one that is disciplined to stick to his commitments, even when the motivation to do so has long since departed. When I do not feel like working on my blogs or books, I think of being the kind of son that will make my mother proud.
When we cease to make life all about ourselves, and stop and consider the people who love and believe in us, we can have all the motivation we need to tackle any challenge. Next time you are facing an obstacle, whether it is wanning motivation or something more concrete, think of who you would be letting down if you quit. To me, it is what keeps me going long after doing it for myself would have quit.
Recently, I came across a story about the Mona Lisa, the famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci. A copy of the famous painting, made by one of da Vinci’s students, was discovered. It not only was better preserved, it revealed many of the details that had been lost in the original. If I gave you the option to own either one of these paintings, which one would you choose? The original, done by old Leo himself, or the copy done by his student? If you know anything about art, or the value of art, I am sure you will choose the original. Why? The copy is better preserved. It has more detail. Why is the original more valuable? Simple, it is an original.
You, my friends, are not much different than that famous painting. Sure, you might not be a 16th century woman, but you are far more valuable as an original. Keep this in mind as you make your way through a world bent on telling you who you should be. The only thing we should be working on becoming is the best version of ourselves.
This does not mean we ignore constructive criticism, or keep an open mind in regards to our character. What I mean is not to change yourself to conform to someone else’s definition of you. I remember hearing that Oprah was told she was far too empathetic to be in journalism. She cried whenever she reported on a fire because a family had lost their home. Had she listened and hardened her heart, she may have been able to become an anchor woman on the news. Instead, she leaned into who she was and became one of the most successful women in history. The world is filled with countless stories like this.
As we make our way through the week, and through life in general, let us be confident in who we are and work to be the best version of that. In doing so, you help give others permission to do the same. Never hide the gift of who you are from the world. It will help you attract the life and people that should be in your story.
Last post we discussed why you should keep your talk about others positive. As you can see in the photo above, today is along the same lines. My current age is where you start to see you and your friends begin to experience some problems of the body falling apart. This is why it benefits you to take as good care of yourself as you can, but that is a story for a different day. What is striking as I stroll through my connections on various social media pages, is how many people have passed away. I am not sure how long I have been on Facebook, but on that site alone, the number of friends I have lost is well in the double digits. Some have died to to tragedy such as car accidents. Some have had health challenges. A few have even died from addictions. Very few of them were expected.
I have often compared our lives to the sands in an hourglass. The sand never stops going from the top to the bottom. The bottom of the hourglass is all of the moments we have lived. The top of the hourglass is how much life we have left. Unlike an hourglass, we never know how much sand is in the top half. What we do know is that is continually shrinking. If that sounds a little scary, it should. What that means is we should live our lives with a sense of urgency.
This picture of people having coffee is fun. They all seem to be about the same age, but how long does each of them have left? Here is a not-so-secret secret, none of us know how long we have left. Can you imagine if we all had a battery indicator, like the one on our phone, above our heads as we walk around. If you knew someone’s battery was about to run out, would you treat them any better? “Look at John, his battery is on red. We better tell him how much he has meant to us.”
Don’t let age fool you either. “Look at Betty, she is young. Her battery must still be green and almost full.” It is true that Betty might be youthful, but that does not mean she has a lot of time left. We certainly hope so for Betty’s sake and for all who care about her, but we do not know. Unfortunately, we do not have the benefit of any indicators, be they hourglasses or battery warning lights, to tell us how long any of us have left. It is one of those universal mysteries.
Funerals are always hard. The worst emotion felt at funerals, in my humble opinion, is regret. The thought that we wish we had done more with that person, or shared how much they meant to us.Worse than that is if we had left with anger or nothing at all. One of the most foolish assumptions we make is thinking that we still have time. As discussed earlier, we do not know how much time we have at all. The time to share how much someone means to us is now. The time to patch up arguments and forgive transgressions, same time – now. Even if these attempts are not successful, the fact that we tried will eliminate much of the feelings of regret we would otherwise feel.
Try to remember we never know how much time any of us have left. You, or the other person could be gone tomorrow. If it helps, think of the hourglass or battery light. Realize that none of us know how much time we have left. Live your life with the urgency and passion it deserves. Ponder the quote below as you go through your day.
I have to share this story that just happened to me. Before heading out the door to write today, I told the love of my life, “I have no idea what I am going to write about.” As I was booting up my computer and settling in with my cup of coffee, I could not help but hear the two people next to me talking. It was a man and a womanin their mid to late sixties. The woman was complaining how stupid her son was. “He is married to that no good girl who blocked me.” she continued. The man countered with tails of his own children and how they annoy him even though they live out of state. Here is the crazy thing, they both went on to complain that their children never call them or want to get together with them.
The problem may seem obvious to most of us. However, these two people are certainly not alone in doing this. Daily, I am reminded of this at work and even when I DJ on the weekends. People only speak of their partner in negative terms. “You will never believe what stupid thing my husband did last night.” or “My wife is nagging me again.” Not surprising, the next day they come in with a tale of how they got into a big disagreement with their spouse the night prior.
Here is some powerful relationship advice. When it comes to the good in your relationship, share it everywhere you can. When it comes to negative items and disagreements, keep them in house. There are so many reasons you should do this. One, your words influence your attitude. This, in turn, influences your actions. Second, whoever you are talking to has their own bias and prejudice that they will bring to the situation. Seldom, if ever, will they encourage you to take and objective look at the situation. They may reinforce your negative opinions in an attempt to comfort you. This will only serve to magnify any negative emotions you are already feeling. The same holds true about positive words you say. Which is why you should share them. Lastly, it damages the image of the person you are talking about. After the disagreement has passed, the person you shared it with will have a less glowing opinion of your friend/spouse or whoever you were discussing.
If you don’t believe me, prove this to yourself. For the next week, speak all the good you can about all of the people you can and watch how your relationships improve. Not to mention, the more positive you speak, the more enjoyable you are to be around.
This may sound like something that could never happen. In today’s world of the division and hate perpetuated by media, this may sound like a fantasy. It is not. People who are different from each other not only can get together, but they should.
We learn so much more by expanding our horizons. We could learn a new way of cooking or a new recipe. We could discover a new type of music. All the things we learn could give us a new perspective on the world.
Appreciate those who are different from you today without judging them. Watch your world expand and grow.
Let us end the week just as we started it, with that loveable bear. Today, he reminds us to look at life as if it were a journey. This seems like a no brainer, as that is what life is. Yet, some of us, especially high achievers, like to view life as a continuous problem to solve. There will be problems to solve in life. That is true. However, if you view life as a succession of problems, you will have a life that does not feel very rewarding and fulfilling. Dare I say, your life will feel like you never get ahead and as soon as you have one thing figured out, another problem seems to crop up. Have you ever felt like that? I am sure there are times we all have.
Feeling like this throughout your entire life can leave you feeling defeated and may even have you questioning the purpose of life itself. If we remember that life is a journey, and like any journey there will be peaks and valleys, we will have a much better feeling. It is important to also consider that there are many things that you can only learn and develop in a valley. When you become rich and successful, you may not be able to see the beauty in the simple things of life. When the simple things are all you have, you appreciate them more. This can often manifest itself in romantic relationships. When you are in one for a long time, you can forget the pleasure that comes from receiving a hug after a hard day, or even having someone to listening to you when you talk.
Starting today, remember not only that life is a journey, but remember to see the beauty in that journey. Enjoy your journey, both the peaks and the valleys. For this is a journey we only get to travel once.
I did not intend to have this be a week about relationships, but it is Friday and here we are! I like the quote by Steve Jobs above, with a few caveats. I think after you have an experience where you connect the dots looking back, you can look ahead and begin to connect some dots and see a probable outcome. Sometimes, reflection is one of the best ways to guide your future. Does that sound confusing? Let me offer you a personal story to help better illustrate the point.
About a month ago, Margie and I visited the Bahamas. We had a great time. Part of the reason why, I believe, was we watched television. If you know anything about me, this is a shocking statement. I am not a really big television watcher. This, however, had a point to it. We watched a show called Bahamas Life. It featured people moving to the Bahamas, often from colder climates. They were given the choice of three houses and we tried to guess which one they would pick. We also told each other which one we would pick.
As the snow fell outside our windows and temperatures fell so low that polar bears were looking for sweaters, we watched scenes with turquoise waters and pink sand. It increased our excitement for our upcoming trip. After we returned from what turned out to be an amazing adventure, minus the air travel there, we were excited to continue watching the show now that we had more intimate knowledge of the places we were seeing. Sadly, there was only one episode left. What had become an almost nightly guilty pleasure was now over.
Here we are, over a month since we have returned to our colder northern climate and the most unusual thing happened the other day. I was returning from running errands for Margie while she created one of her culinary masterpieces. As I neared our house, memories of watching that show, snuggled next to my love, came flooding back. My thought was, “Wasn’t that a great memory? Finding a show about the very place we were traveling to.” At that very same moment, Margie has similar thoughts running through her head as well.
It was by connecting these dots looking backward that we realized what a magical moment that was. We were, indeed, creating a beautiful memory. What is the power in realizing that? Especially after it is all said and done? It is just one of many moments we can fondly recall to realize what a blessed and amazing life we have shared together. It will also allow us to keep an eye out for such moments that might be occurring in the near future.
Here is a picture of us from that fateful trip. Proof, as the Winnie-the-Pooh picture above so eloquently puts it, (Yes I did call Pooh eloquent) we didn’t realize we were making memories, we just knew we were having fun. How about you? Are there moments in your life that, looking back, you realize were amazing memories, but at the time just felt like you were having fun? I am sure there are. How about some in the future that might turn into some of the best memories in your life?
Last post, we took a look at the vital role that my love, Margie, has played in my self-growth. If you haven’t read that, I highly suggest you take a look. Today, we will answer the million dollar question, “How do you have a love that not only survives, but it thrives?” My fourth book, hopefully published this fall, will have an entire section devoted to creating a thriving relationship. I am going to give you two quick items to get you started. If you read to the end, there just might be a bonus item as well.
Isn’t falling in love great? Everything seems so new and fresh. You are constantly discovering new and exciting things about that special person in your life. What kind of toothpaste do they like? Do you both like the same kind of tortilla chips? How about salsa? Everything seems like one great adventure and you can’t imagine your life without them. What happens three years, three months or sometimes even three weeks down the road? You don’t care what kind of salsa they like, you just know you don’t like the fact they leave a dirty salsa bowl sitting on the table.
When we talk about ‘staying in love’ we are not talking about finding new ways to tolerate your spouse. No, we are talking about genuine passionate love and appreciation. We are talking about looking at the person across from the dinner table and honestly wondering how you got so lucky and being thankful you did. Does this sound like the “honeymoon phase” you hear everyone speak about? Can you not imagine that after staring at the same face for years? Do you feel your relationship is too far gone to ever have that feeling again? I am here to tell you that you can not only have that, but you deserve that. Come with me, I promise the journey to get there will be amazing. I say ‘journey’ because this is something that should never end. Think of your relationship like your fitness. If you get in the best shape of your life, and then stop working out, what happens? Do you stay in that shape? Of course not. It takes continual work, but the work is far easier and more enjoyable than the work it took to get in shape.
How can I say this with absolute certainty? Because I have been in the “honeymoon phase” with this lady for ten years! Constantly? No. We sure do have some ups and downs, but through it all our love stays alive and the magic may get challenged, but it never leaves. What is the secret? It is many things. Here is the first one – gratitude. You need to find reasons to be grateful for your partner all of the time. You also need to write them down. Why? If you keep them in your head, when the challenging times come, and come they will, it will be next to impossible to come up with them. Many people say, “Do I have to write down what I am grateful for in my partner?” No, you don’t. You also don’t have to have an amazing relationship either. The more work you put in, the more magic you will get out. Plus, let’s face it, writing down what you are grateful for about anyone is fun. You are thinking of the best of them and what they bring to your life. How could this do anything but increase the love and appreciation in your relationship? Now, when challenges come, take some time to review what you have written down. It is hard to remain completely upset at someone when you are staring at a sheet of things they do that add to your life. Especially when it is written in your own handwriting.
The second way to keep love alive is through pictures. Our minds think in images. When I ask you to think of a unicorn, what comes to your mind? An image of a unicorn. Not of the word unicorn. Not the sound a unicorn makes. (Anyone know what sound a unicorn makes?) No, your mind thinks in images. This is what makes vision boards to effective. If you want to keep the magic in your relationship, make a collection of images when you and your partner were loving, having fun or just being silly. I suggest having as many of these collections as you can. Have an album you can look at on your phone. There are places that can print out photo albums for you from those pictures. Imagine having that sitting on the coffee table when company comes over. They could see, and remark how in love you are. You could leaf through it at random moments to give your love a boost. One of the coolest ways is through those digital picture frames. You know the ones. They scroll through different images you download onto them. Image a frame that goes from one positive picture of your relationship to another. This can work for any relationship you have. Kids, parents, friends and, of course, loved ones.
BONUS ITEM!!!! If you read this far, here is a bonus item that will ensure your relationship stays fresh and passionate. That strategy is to have a compelling future for your relationship. If you have no idea why you are with this person, or where you want your life to go, it will be very difficult to keep love alive. above is a picture of myself and my very sexy lady in the Bahamas. We had such a great time meeting new friends, learning about the culture and exploring several islands. We already began talking about our next destination. Traveling the world is just one thing we have to look forward to in the future. The more compelling items you have in the future of your relationship, the more exiting it will be. Period.
Quick recap to a long post. If you want to keep your love alive, do these three things. First, list all the reasons you are grateful for that person in your life. Review these often and especially when you may not be feeling so loving. Second, have a collection of images that remind you of the special, and fun, bond you have. The mind thinks in images, so this will be especially powerful. Lastly, have a compelling future for the relationship so that you always have something to look forward to. These three things cannot only keep love alive, it can help revive a relationship that may be headed in the wrong direction. Putting these three items into play may have you feeling love you thought had left you a long time ago.
Today is uplifting Wednesday. It is a day filled with posts that encourage and give us that little bit of extra strength to make it through our journey. We are going to do things a little different today. I am going to share a little bit of my own personal journey. We will discuss how the growth happened, and what makes it continue to this day. It is my sincere hope that by doing this, many of you may take a look at your own journey and decide you can take your life to the next level as well.
A good portion of the people in my life currently have either come into my life, or became close to me in the last 10 years or so. As a result of this, they only know the current, or at least the last ten years, of the person I am. They somehow assume that I came out of the womb practicing and knowing the self-improvement tools and strategies that I use today. Although I have been in this field for over two decades, it really started to sink in roughly 12 years ago.
About that time, I was in a relationship of many years that was not healthy and honestly had probably ended long before it became official. Why? As is the case with all relationships, there was blame to go around. In reflection, judging my past self by the standards I have today, I was a terrible partner. At that point in my life, I was probably not even a very good friend or coworker. I was learning the tools of self-improvement, but my ego prevented me from putting a lot of them to use. It is impossible for us to make any change until we take an honest look in the mirror. This takes a lot of guts, ones I did not have at the time.
Two very important things occurred to change that. The first was a book I was reading – Theodore Rex by Edmund Morris. Not a self-improvement book at all, but a biography of Theodore Roosevelt. In it, I read about his father and some of the not so pleasant traits he had. I saw many of those traits in me. Good Ol’ Teddy’s journey too, was fraught with challenges that were not all that dissimilar to mine. He suffered from asthma as a young child. He also had many challenges where he had to build himself up on his own. That he did and he went on to become the leader of the free world, a hunter, explorer and many other things.
This inspired me. The “Hey, if he can do it, so can I!” way of thinking. Like I mentioned earlier, this was not a self-improvement book, but it really motivated me. I did the number one thing Tony Robbins recommends to change your life long before I heard him say it. That is, I raised my standards. It can be ok to be disgusted with what you see when you look in the mirror as long as you use that for motivation. I was sick of being anything less than the best version of me that I could be. At the time, I did not have many role models for what a good relationship should be, and my personal growth was so slow, that it wouldn’t have mattered much if I did. So, how did I manage to turn myself around and become, what I humbly say, is one of the hardest working men when it comes to relationships?
It all started with an argument with a lady with pink hair. I had met Margie months prior. We both happened to be coming out of relationships we had spent most of our lives in. One evening while we were hanging out as friends, endeavoring to get to know each other better, a disagreement occurred. When we are in a stressful state, we tend to revert to actions that are ingrained in us. This is what I did. If my memory serves, it turned out that I had a right to be upset. What I did not have a right to do, was communicate it the way that I did. I will never forget what the now love of my life told me. It was one simple line that changed my life forever. Was it a line from a romantic poem? Was it some sage advice passed down through the ages? No on both accounts. What she told me was the hard truth, and there was no denying it. She said, “Just because you are right, does not mean you can act like an asshole.” Doesn’t sound very life changing does it?
It was one of those moments, I don’t know if you ever had one, where you want to be upset at something someone said to you, but there is one problem – it is true. It was this moment, as well as many that followed, that Margie has held me accountable. Not to her expectations of me, but to the standards I have set for myself and our relationship. That is one of the great secrets of personal growth. Make sure the standards you have for yourself are higher than any outside expectation.
Not long after Margie and I got together, I recall sitting at a beer garden with my mother talking endlessly about this new, amazing woman in my life. In one of those moments of parental wisdom, my mother calmly informed me, “You know you will have a lot more arguments with Margie, but they will be a lot more productive.” She never could have guessed how right she would be. Not only has Margie held me accountable for the standards we have set for our relationship, and those I have set for myself, she has done something equally as amazing. Throughout our years together, I have watched her grow both in beauty and as a person. The more time goes by, the more amazing she becomes. I know the only way to not only keep a woman like that but, more importantly keep her happy, is to work equally hard on myself and our relationship. There is not a day that goes by where I am not working on something to increase the love between us and to become the best version of myself. Having an outstanding woman such as her in my life makes me want to be a better man and pushes me to do it now. That, my friends, is the power of love. Huey Lewis would be proud.
I hope this story has conveyed two very important points. First, no change can happen unless you are willing to take a long, hard, honest look in the mirror and identify what you will no longer tolerate in yourself and your character. That means no more making excuses. It means being painfully honest with yourself. This isn’t beating yourself up. In fact, it should excite you knowing that from this day forward you will continue to become a better version of yourself. This will help every relationship you have in your life. Not just your romantic one.
Speaking of relationships, that brings us to our second point. In any relationship, but most importantly your romantic ones, you should always strive to have personal standards that exceed any outside expectations. That includes both for the relationship as well as for yourself. It also means having a partner that knows those standards and is working on growth themselves. It means feeling gratitude and value for that amazing person in your life that makes you want to work harder. We are going to get into tools and strategies for doing that in our next post. These two items changed my life, and I promise they will do that same for you if you are brave enough to undertake them.
SECRET 2 AN AMAZING LIFE 