THE GRAND SOLUTION

We all have times when life seems to be handing us lemons. Sometimes we can even question the purpose or meaning of it all. I know there are even times when we can feel useless. I know, I’ve been there myself. There is a grand solution that can not only help is during these times, but help others, and the world at large.

What is this solution? Before I tell you exactly let me assure you that everyone has access to this solution. In fact, the worse your life seems to be or the more unpleasant things you have been through the better you will be at this. OK enough of the hype, what is this solution that will help everyone including ourselves?

Altruism, that is helping others. If this sounds like an additional effort or some new age idea it really isn’t. It is easier than you may think and can be backed up by science. Allow me to explain. One of the best ways to help others is by sharing our story, our natural talents or just things we enjoy. Recently I have become friends with a wonderful lady named Ann. She shared with me some of her life experiences and asked me what direction she should go in. After only a few minutes of learning about her it was clear Ann had a lot to share. She overcame a weight issue, cared for a love one and learned a lot about health and fitness. I’m excited to say she is now sharing her story at AnnieOrganic her own website.
My beautiful lady Margie is another example of this. Her talents are too many to number and she is always eager to put them to good use. Whether she is making a cake for someone’s celebration, jewelry to compliment an outfit, or just lending a comforting ear to someone who needs it she is happy to share what she knows and help teach others.

So what if your thinking “I don’t have that kind of talent” trust me everyone has something. Have you every overcame a hardship in your life? Then you can share how you did it. Ever suffer a painful experience? Then you can comfort others and assure them they are not alone. Have a hobby you enjoy? Consider teaching others or joining a like minded group.

What does all this accomplish and how does it work? By helping others we give our life meaning and get outside of ourselves. It also helps us better understand ‘there is a reason for everything’ when seemingly negative things happen in your life, you will nite find yourself asking “how can I use this? ” and understand even in just sharing your experience can bring a sense of comfort and peace to someone else.
So next time life seems to be getting the better of you, get out and find a way to help someone else. Let’s face it, the world needs more of that.

A VERY IMPORTANT LESSON

This is a very powerful secret. Why it is a secret I’m not so sure. It is a lesson that is hard if learned too late. Let’s face it, we all get comfortable. Comfort in that fashion can be poison to a good relationship. When we first fall in love all of our thoughts are of that person. We see a flower and we think of their beauty. We see a park and we remember a walk in the park we just had with them, never mind that fact it is not even the same park. We find ourselves at the gas station or grocery store and can’t wait to pick them up a little surprise.

So what happens? Where does all this infatuation go? It is chipped away at by disagreements, the obligations of life, health and a million other factors that take us away from focusing on our love. There is another reason why love fades. Often people treat falling in love like going to school. Once you graduate, or in this case capture the heart of the one you love it’s over. Life begins to take over. It seems a million things call our attention everyday. A project at work needs our attention, lets get to it. Something around the house needs fixing, get to it. After all, your spouse is in love with you that is taken care of, right?

This is where things go wrong. We must look at our love more like working out, or eating healthy. If we go to the gym, work really hard and get in shape then just stop we don’t stay in shape, we begin to decline. Same is true in love. If you work hard, show patience, romance and all of your best traits to get the attention of the one you love and then stop it does not stay at that level. With Divorce rates over 50% it is clear that your spouse may not being willing to settle. This, in some fashion is a good thing. It means that it is more important than ever to keep investing in our relationships. So what can we do?

So what about all of this? What if you find yourself in that very position? Your relationship is starting to lose it’s fire? You find yourself closer to roommates than lovers? Do not fear, in some ways this makes it easier. Your spouse will not expect the little romance and love. Think of what your partner may need. Each person is unique, but in general women wish to know their partner finds them beautiful. They love to feel loved, safe and treasured. Men, on the other hand, like to feel desired, needed and like the most important person in your life. Lovers always like things that make them feel respected, admired and loved. If you let your partner know you are proud to have them by your side, if you can let others know in front of them even better, that will keep them by your side.

If you wish to have a relationship like when you first fell in love you have to do the things you did to have them fall in love with you. Assuming once a person falls in love with you, they will stay in love with you is one of the biggest relationship mistakes you can make. Try to win their heart everyday and I promise you will never lose it. This can be fun for both people. When you try to win the heart of a love you already have, that love only increases and magic literally enters your life. So have fun my romantic friends. Feel free to share any ideas with other readers of things you do to make your lover feel special.

KEEP YOUR KEYS IN YOUR POCKET

Yesterday we spoke about why it is important not to replay and live in negative moments. Certainly it is beneficial to experience and learn from them, but not to spend a prolonged period of time there. There is another thing we are doing when we do that we might not be aware of. We are allowing that person to hurt us again. When someone does something that hurts us the pain we feel is partly their responsibility. I say ‘partly’ because if you have read previous blogs here I discuss ways to change what things mean to us and how they make us feel. Still, it is hard not to be hurt, when someone says something rude, hurtful or just plain mean to us. The fault becomes all our own, however, if we chose to replay and dwell on what they did or said. First of all, in no way does this effect them. The only person we are hurting is ourselves. In effect we are allowing this person to hurt us twice with the same action. The crazy part is we are doing the hurting to ourselves!

If you find yourself saying, “Yes, but they were the ones who did/said it in the first place”. That is true, but why let it continue to upset us? We are essentially as the quote above says ‘putting the key to our happiness in their pocket’. Nobody cares more for your happiness than you. As Les Brown, which some of you may recall is one of my favorite speakers says. “80% of people don’t care and 20% are happy it is happening to you”. That may sound a bit dark, but it is generally true. We must decide to be in control of our own happiness. It is not only good for our health, but can be our greatest gift to others. Let’s be honest, we are more productive at work and at home when we are in a good mood. We are likely to be more compassionate with others when we are in a good mood. We are also more likely to spread that joy when we are in a good mood. So do yourself a favor, no matter what someone, or the world in general does to you. Keep the key to your happiness in your own pocket.

WHAT I HAVE RECENTLY LEARNED

So it is only a few days into the new year and I am hoping you have a written description of who you want to become. I know I have. Here is the funny thing, I say funny because it sounds better than disappointing. Guess how long it took me to do something contrary to my vision of who I am to become in 2016? I am not sure exactly, but the time frame could be measured in hours. I am sure a lot of us may run into this. Perhaps your goal is to become a healthier version of yourself, but then your coworker brings in their delicious cheese cake they only make once a year. You are halfway through your first piece before you realize it is not quite a healthy meal. Well, allow me to share with you my fall and what I learned.

First, the most important lesson is that if you stumble, you don’t have to stay laying down. You get back up and work even harder. The second thing was a bit more complex. Part of who I want to be is a person who is more careful what they say, especially in emotional situations. Again, I dropped the ball a little with a friend of mine on that one. As I was relaying my disappointment in myself to a trusted friend of mine he shared something similar that happened between him and his wife. “I really screwed up” he began. He went on to explain that in the heat of the disagreement he voiced his opinions and concerns in such a way a man of the religious order would blush. I inquired to whether he apologized and tried to better explain himself. “yeah, but it won’t work. She told me she just keeps replaying everything I said in her head and it is making her feel worse and worse”. I was shocked to hear somebody would do that to themselves. As I soon discovered, a lot of us do.

Let us begin by discussing our emotions. If you have been following my blog for any length of time you know our emotions come from inside us, not from outside circumstances. It is not the actual event that makes us feel a certain way, but what we decide it means. We also have a choice of what to focus on. Truly this gentleman did not always speak to his wife that way, and truly she did things to make him feel loved and happy, not just upset. I know because I have seen how high on love this fellow has been. He seemed sad, but not angry. I asked him if he had thought about the things she may have said or done to make him upset. “Yeah, a little, but I just can’t help but thinking about how cute she looked before I left for work and how much I am missing the love we share” he replied.

The difference was obvious. When someone hurts us, that is on them. Certainly if they say or do something harsh it can cause us great distress. Let’s face it, reflecting on it is a natural and almost automatic response. When we do focus on the painful things people have said or down to us however, we are actually hurting ourselves. In the case of a husband and wife, and even in really close friendships, it should be clear that the intent is never to hurt the other person if the relationship is healthy. Knowing that the other person does not want to hurt us can at the very least, take us from pain and anger to confusion. OK, so if they do not want to hurt us why would they say these things that are so painful? That at least is a better question. Perhaps they are hurt as well? Perhaps there has to be a healthier outlet to discuss such things? Perhaps we had a roll in causing their reaction? Whatever the answer may be this brings up the next point. It changes our focus. When we just replay the hurt in our mind, we are living in the problem. Nothing moves forward and we can literally make ourselves physically sick. When we start to ask the ‘why’ questions and throw in a few thoughts of loving and/or nice things this person may have done, we move towards a solution mindset. Maybe the solution is to remove this person from our life? That would be the most extreme answer, and usually doesn’t come to that, but there are a million other choices. Remove the situation? Refocus? Perhaps change or eliminate the situation?

When we replay negative experiences we also replay the feelings they gave us and essentially hurt ourselves. Would it not make more sense to replay positive situations and the feelings they gave us? Make no mistake, I understand how extremely difficult this can be, but the positive effect it would have on our lives is worth the change.

GIVE IT UP ALREADY!

The year has come to an end. This is the time a lot of us start thinking about resolutions. Personally I am not a fan of them. I find them to be weak and most of them don’t last. That is why the parking lot at the gym is always less crowded in March than at the beginning of the year. So why do resolutions not last? I mentioned them being weak, that is because they seldom have purpose and a reason, or strong ‘why’ behind them. If you are ready, this year let us try something different.

Here is the idea, instead of writing things you want to do in the new year, sit down and write who you would like to become in the new year and why. Would you like to be healthier? Why is that important? Would you like to be less stressed? What benefits will that bring you? Sit down and write this out. A complete description of who you are committed to becoming and the reasons or why for that.

Now look at the picture above this blog. It is a list of things to give up to improve your life. It is a good list, offers reasons why, but I want you to create your own. Look at the person you are committed to becoming in 2016. Now think about what things in your life currently do not belong in a person like that. Write them down. This is your list of things to limit or remove from your life. Much like the list above you might want to include a why as well.

Now understand as you go through the year, especially at first, you may slip up and do, say or be some of those things. That’s ok. The goal is to do them less until you can finally cleanse your life of any behavior that does not work in your new self. If you can quit them right away, congratulations. If not, do not worry. Old habits die hard and as long as you keep at it you will triumph. Do not get down on yourself, become your own cheerleader. If you notice yourself faltering, instead of judging yourself, just notice how less you are doing it and be determined to go even longer the next time.

On a personal level, however you celebrate the new year, do so safely. I value all of you and look forward to teaching and learning from each other in 2016.

MAKE SURE YOU ARE LOOKING FOR THE RIGHT THING

This is something that may be difficult for a lot of people. In fact, when you are under emotional distress it can be difficult for just about anyone, including an author/blog writer/postal worker. When you are having a disagreement the natural urge is to discover who is the one to blame for the upset. I have been guilty of this myself, if you don’t believe me I am sure my beautiful lady would back me up. Here is what I learned, Most of the time the fault is usually shared. Here is something else I have learned, finding out whose fault it is does little or nothing to fix the issue at hand.

So what should you be looking for? A solution, or as the picture above says, a remedy. Ask yourself this question, what would be the ultimate outcome? Let us say your spouse said something that really embarassed you in public. First of all, chances are they did not intend to do so, and if they did you may wish to question your choice of spouse. Now if you argue about whether it was their fault for saying it, or yours for not letting you know that won’t solve you feeling foolish. The ultimate goal here is to have your spouse know what bothers you and to hopefully have the situation not happen in the future.

This takes practice and trust me if you can try it first on an issue that is not so heated it works a lot better. Ask yourself what you would like to happen, what is your goal going forward? Then, ask yourself how you can best recruit your partners help in that matter. Here is a clue, saying “It is your fault” does not often lead to a feeling of cooperation. Rather let them know that you understand they did not mean to upset you and that you both would like to avoid that in the future. Then ask for their help in coming up with a solution. Having them involved creates a feeling of working together. Whether it is an intimate relationship, a friendship or even a coworker you are in this together and things work a lot better if you work together.
This works even better if you can begin by admitting your share of the fault to begin with. That takes the pressure off of everyone. It may also take the fire out of the arguement to some extent. It works even better if you are to follow it up with something like “I would like to work together to make sure we don’t have this problem in the future. What can I do on my end to help that?” To often we like to tell people what they should do, but in reality whether or not that will happen is up to them. Showing that you are willing to work on things on your side demonstrates good faith and a desire to clear up conflict.

So in the 2016 let us work to find remedies, not fault.

IT’S RIGHT THERE WITH YOU ALL OF THE TIME

Recently a friend inquired about my “search for happiness”. I calmly looked him in the eye and told him that I am no longer searching for happiness, that I had found it. Sensing there was something to my response he inquired as to where I had found my source of joy. Here is where my real answer came. “It is not actually anywhere, but everywhere” I always tell people at my live seminars that happiness is not a goal or destination to be chased after or arrived at, but a decision and a lifestyle to commit to.

I can hear a lot of you right now. “I am committed to being happy, but then my boss yells at me, or my spouse is upset with me. In fact, I was really happy yesterday but then my tire went flat on my car”. Life will have it’s ups and downs, there is no preventing that. The goal is to do our best to remain happy in the face of life as best we can. I say ‘the best we can’ because happiness is not about perfection. Most people on their quest for a more positive rewarding life feel like they have failed if they become sad or depressed. Nothing could be further from the truth.

When you make a commitment to live a happier life you are working to overcome years of mental and social conditioning. It will be a struggle to say the least, especially to begin with. After you decide to be happy if you find yourself in one of many of the less than pleasing emotions, find a way to be happy about that. Perhaps you can learn something about yourself? Perhaps you can notice those moments are starting to be farther apart? Perhaps you can just find joy in the fact that nothing lasts forever. There is always some good to be found in every situation. That is one of the fun challenges of a positive life, finding the good in every situation you find yourself in. Trust me it is there, so is the bad. It is choosing to acknowledge the things that are not working while focusing on the things that are working. Not only are both always available, but so is the decision on which to focus. If you find yourself focusing on the negative, just stop, take a breath, and laugh and remind yourself happiness is not about perfection, it is about perspective. From there you can refocus and begin to regain your smile.

After telling my friend exactly what I have just shared with you above he informed me I was living in some sort of “fantasy world”. I hear this all to often. After informing him I do not ignore the challenges in my life, I do what I can to fix them and focus on joy. In fact, recently I have discovered ways to even find joy in some of my challenges. “So I guess that is why you are happier more often than I am?” he asked. I thought to myself, yes I guess it is. That is my choice, and the same choice is available to all of you.

EMPOWER YOUR LIFE!

Here is your weekend homework. I promise this one will be fun! What are you good at? Last post we looked at what was great about us. Now let’s look at those skills and look at what we do great. I mentioned I enjoy talking to people. What can I do well with that? I can help people who feel lonely. I can use that to inspire people. I listed I love reading and learning new knowledge. What can I do with that? I could read to shut ins, I could read to children, I could share what I learn with people who would like to know.

Ok, so take the list you created yesterday and look at the things that you feel are great about yourself and think about how you can use them. Even if you can’t come up with an answer right now, start thinking about that. Let the thought bounce around your head. Then as you go through your day look for ways to bring what is great about you to the world. This does two very important things. First, it will bring something beautiful to the world. If it is something you are naturally good at, it will shine. People will appreciate you sharing it with them.

Second, it will make your life seem easier. It is naturally what you are good at so while you are working at it you will feel inspired not obligated. You will work harder than something that doesn’t inspire you. You will excel at a rate that will amaze even yourself. By all of this happening you will hear people begin to compliment you. You will be doing something you enjoy so you will have a smile on your face and in your heart. People will pick up on that. You will be sharing your gift with the world and making the world a better place.

So that is this weekends homework. Be on the lookout for ways to use your talents and passions in life. Is it through a side business? Maybe a hobby? In my case I love helping people see the beauty in themselves and the world around them. I do that through this blog, I do it through my first book A Happy Life for Busy People I will continue to do so in my second book. I also realize I can do that while I am working at the post office with my coworkers, while I am DJing as people perform, while I am bartending and serving people cocktails. Here is the greatest thing, while I am doing so I am not only sharing my gift with the world and helping them feel amazing, guess how I feel when I am doing it? That’s right I am feel amazing. It turns any situation into one filled with passion and joy. So find your talents. Find out what is great about you and then find ways to share that with the world. If you need any help with ideas feel free to post here and we will all work together to bring your beauty to the world!

A FUN ACTIVITY THAT MAKES YOU SMILE

You are awesome!!! Yes you, right there reading this. Day to day we our heads and ears are filled with news of what we are doing wrong, of what we need to improve in our lives. These are all important things to know, but every story has two sides, and you my dear friend, are your greatest story!

Today we are going to pay ourselves back. This activity will need roughly 30 minutes of your time. So feel free to read through this and set it up for when that time is available. Give this gift to yourself.

Ok, ready? Here is what you will need, time and a pen and paper or other way of recording your thoughts. That is it. First step, title your paper “Things that rock about me” or “things that are great about me” Yes I know this sounds crazy, but stick with me I promise you it will be worth it. Now simply start to think about things you do well. If this seems tricky at first that is ok. We are taught to be humble. We are taught focusing on how great we are sounds arrogant. That is not at all what we are talking about here. We are talking about a balancing of the scales. We will be using this information to improve both our lives and the world around us.

Know this, a person who is aware of what is great about themselves, about what is beautiful about themselves can more easily put themselves in situations that allow them to shine and also bring them joy. What would your life and your future be like if you knew you would daily find yourself in situations where you would be using your talents to the fullest? Where you could accomplish great things and do so with ease? Life would be pretty great wouldn’t it? Well today and tomorrows posts will allow us to do that, so please take time to complete this.

Still staring at a blank page or computer document? Let me give you some ideas on my list.

Things that kick ass about Neil

I enjoy talking to people and learning about them
I love to read and learn new things
I never allow myself to feel like a victim
I work to empower others

Even if you can only come up with one or two for right now do not worry, you can always add to it. Now take your list and put it somewhere you see every day. Put it by the mirror, the coffee maker on your dashboard. Anywhere you will see it. That way when you hear your boss tell you what you lack in, you can know there is something great in you as well. When you see that commercial on TV about how you should be a size 2, you will know while you are working toward being the healthiest version of you that there is already greatness inside of you.

Ok, next post we are going to look at how to use this list to do more than just motivate you and have you feeling good.

SOMETIMES YOU SHOULD NOT DO ANYTHING

This is a blog post that is more directed at my male readers of this blog, but pertains to everyone. I say men more because as men we seem to be hard-wired to ‘fix’ things. Someone shares a problem with us, we start to go into the “what can I do to fix it” mode. Sometimes that is not what people are looking for. Sometimes they just need us to be present. Try picking out someone you care about. Schedule a lunch, coffee or get together with them.

When you get together with them trying spending those hours, or day or whatever time you have just being totally present. If it is a phone call, try staying totally focused on what they are telling you. Often in conversations people listen with an intent to respond instead of understanding. So listen to hear what they are saying. Don’t offer advice unless they ask. Focus the entire time on the other person. Halfway through their story do not start thinking of a story you have that is similar, just listen to theirs. It is a difficult change in behavior, but it is one of the greatest gifts you can give someone.

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