Tag: Friendship

KEEP YOUR KEYS IN YOUR POCKET

image

Yesterday we spoke about why it is important not to replay and live in negative moments. Certainly it is beneficial to experience and learn from them, but not to spend a prolonged period of time there. There is another thing we are doing when we do that we might not be aware of. We are allowing that person to hurt us again. When someone does something that hurts us the pain we feel is partly their responsibility. I say ‘partly’ because if you have read previous blogs here I discuss ways to change what things mean to us and how they make us feel. Still, it is hard not to be hurt, when someone says something rude, hurtful or just plain mean to us. The fault becomes all our own, however, if we chose to replay and dwell on what they did or said. First of all, in no way does this effect them. The only person we are hurting is ourselves. In effect we are allowing this person to hurt us twice with the same action. The crazy part is we are doing the hurting to ourselves!

If you find yourself saying, “Yes, but they were the ones who did/said it in the first place”. That is true, but why let it continue to upset us? We are essentially as the quote above says ‘putting the key to our happiness in their pocket’.  Nobody cares more for your happiness than you. As Les Brown, which some of you may recall is one of my favorite speakers says. “80% of people don’t care and 20% are happy it is happening to you”. That may sound a bit dark, but it is generally true. We must decide to be in control of our own happiness. It is not only good for our health, but can be our greatest gift to others. Let’s be honest, we are more productive at work and at home when we are in a good mood. We are likely to be more compassionate with others when we are in a good mood. We are also more likely to spread that joy when we are in a good mood. So do yourself a favor, no matter what someone, or the world in general does to you. Keep the key to your happiness in your own pocket.

MAKE SURE YOU ARE LOOKING FOR THE RIGHT THING

image

This is something that may be difficult for a lot of people. In fact, when you are under emotional distress it can be difficult for just about anyone, including an author/blog writer/postal worker. When you are having a disagreement the natural urge is to discover who is the one to blame for the upset. I have been guilty of this myself, if you don’t believe me I am sure my beautiful lady would back me up. Here is what I learned, Most of the time the fault is usually shared. Here is something else I have learned, finding out whose fault it is does little or nothing to fix the issue at hand.

So what should you be looking for? A solution, or as the picture above says, a remedy. Ask yourself this question, what would be the ultimate outcome? Let us say your spouse said something that really embarassed you in public. First of all, chances are they did not intend to do so, and if they did you may wish to question your choice of spouse. Now if you argue about whether it was their fault for saying it, or yours for not letting you know that won’t solve you feeling foolish. The ultimate goal here is to have your spouse know what bothers you and to hopefully have the situation not happen in the future.

This takes practice and trust me if you can try it first on an issue that is not so heated it works a lot better. Ask yourself what you would like to happen, what is your goal going forward? Then, ask yourself how you can best recruit your partners help in that matter. Here is a clue, saying “It is your fault” does not often lead to a feeling of cooperation. Rather let them know that you understand they did not mean to upset you and that you both would like to avoid that in the future. Then ask for their help in coming up with a solution. Having them involved creates a feeling of working together. Whether it is an intimate relationship, a friendship or even a coworker you are in this together and things work a lot better if you work together.
This works even better if you can begin by admitting your share of the fault to begin with. That takes the pressure off of everyone. It may also take the fire out of the arguement to some extent. It works even better if you are to follow it up with something like “I would like to work together to make sure we don’t have this problem in the future. What can I do on my end to help that?” To often we like to tell people what they should do, but in reality whether or not that will happen is up to them. Showing that you are willing to work on things on your side demonstrates good faith and a desire to clear up conflict.

So in the 2016 let us work to find remedies, not fault.

IT’S RIGHT THERE WITH YOU ALL OF THE TIME

image

Recently a friend inquired about my “search for happiness”. I calmly looked him in the eye and told him that I am no longer searching for happiness, that I had found it. Sensing there was something to my response he inquired as to where I had found my source of joy. Here is where my real answer came. “It is not actually anywhere, but everywhere” I always tell people at my live seminars that happiness is not a goal or destination to be chased after or arrived at, but a decision and a lifestyle to commit to.

I can hear a lot of you right now. “I am committed to being happy, but then my boss yells at me, or my spouse is upset with me. In fact, I was really happy yesterday but then my tire went flat on my car”. Life will have it’s ups and downs, there is no preventing that. The goal is to do our best to remain happy in the face of life as best we can. I say ‘the best we can’ because happiness is not about perfection. Most people on their quest for a more positive rewarding life feel like they have failed if they become sad or depressed. Nothing could be further from the truth.

When you make a commitment to live a happier life you are working to overcome years of mental and social conditioning. It will be a struggle to say the least, especially to begin with. After you decide to be happy if you find yourself in one of many of the less than pleasing emotions, find a way to be happy about that. Perhaps you can learn something about yourself? Perhaps you can notice those moments are starting to be farther apart? Perhaps you can just find joy in the fact that nothing lasts forever. There is always some good to be found in every situation. That is one of the fun challenges of a positive life, finding the good in every situation you find yourself in. Trust me it is there, so is the bad. It is choosing to acknowledge the things that are not working while focusing on the things that are working. Not only are both always available, but so is the decision on which to focus. If you find yourself focusing on the negative, just stop, take a breath, and laugh and remind yourself happiness is not about perfection, it is about perspective. From there you can refocus and begin to regain your smile.

After telling my friend exactly what I have just shared with you above he informed me I was living in some sort of “fantasy world”. I hear this all to often. After informing him I do not ignore the challenges in my life, I do what I can to fix them and focus on joy. In fact, recently I have discovered ways to even find joy in some of my challenges. “So I guess that is why you are happier more often than I am?” he asked. I thought to myself, yes I guess it is. That is my choice, and the same choice is available to all of you.

SOMETIMES YOU SHOULD NOT DO ANYTHING

image

This is a blog post that is more directed at my male readers of this blog, but pertains to everyone. I say men more because as men we seem to be hard-wired to ‘fix’ things. Someone shares a problem with us, we start to go into the “what can I do to fix it” mode. Sometimes that is not what people are looking for. Sometimes they just need us to be present. Try picking out someone you care about. Schedule a lunch, coffee or get together with them.

When you get together with them trying spending those hours, or day or whatever time you have just being totally present. If it is a phone call, try staying totally focused on what they are telling you. Often in conversations people listen with an intent to respond instead of understanding. So listen to hear what they are saying. Don’t offer advice unless they ask. Focus the entire time on the other person. Halfway through their story do not start thinking of a story you have that is similar, just listen to theirs. It is a difficult change in behavior, but it is one of the greatest gifts you can give someone.

IS IT WORTH IT?

image

Think of this quote next time you are leaving a moment with a friend. If you knew you only had that moment to tell them whatever you wanted, what would you share? If you knew that was the last time you would gaze upon there face what would you notice? If you were parting ways after a disagreement would you want that to be the last thing they remember about you?

The truth is none of us know what the future may hold. Personally I find it refreshing to have people in my life who always let me know where I stand and what is going on with them. I want to know what their thoughts of me may be and what is currently occupying their thoughts. I find keeping this thought in mind increases the depth of my friendships and reduces the stress in my life. People tend to enjoy the time we spend together more and less of it is wasted. So next time you are with someone you enjoy, remember it could be the last time you have that chance. What would you want them to know? Tell them. What would you want to do with them? Do it. Remember life is short, let us make the most of it and each other.

SURROUND YOURSELF WITH GOLD

image

With all of the “cash for your gold” signs everywhere everyone is looking for ways to get more of it. Here is the secret to being surrounded with it on a daily basis. Mine the gold in your friends and anyone else you encounter. Perhaps it is human nature, but I have noticed people seem to look for and dwell on what is wrong with a person. Maybe we tend to find it more interesting, maybe it makes us feel better about ourselves? Whatever the reason, pay attention to conversations people have about others that are not present. What seems to be the focus? How do those conversations make you feel? Here is another question to ponder. How do you feel when you hear someone praising someone who is not there to hear it? What does that make you think of the person who is doing the talking?

Next time you find yourself in a discussion about someone who might not be physically present to here you try and say as many good things as you can come up with. See how the person you are speaking to reacts. See how it makes you feel. For a more immediate impact, when you are in a discussion with anyone, be it a friend, business associate or just the lady at the local coffee shop, try mentioning one good thing about them. Do so with sincerity and you will be amazed with what happens. Do this to as many people as you can as many times as you can. After a while you will notice people have an urge to be around you. They enjoy your company. They will smile and start sharing good things about you that they notice. Who would not want to be around someone who makes them feel good? Imagine how your day would go if everyone you shared a conversation with gave you one sincere compliment? How would you feel with say three compliments a day? How would you feel knowing that you did that for others?

Try this little experiment and you will find yourself surrounded by golden friendships

IT’S NOT A JOKE

image

Normally my posts don’t contain such colorful language, but in this case it proves a point and hey it’s Monday so why not. I always wondered as a young child why people of different beliefs could not get along. When I asked what I considered a well-informed adult the answer was always the same, “Well they should be able to all get along” there was always that magical word should in there. Still I noticed they didn’t. I still wonder why more people cannot come together and respect each others differences while enjoying what we all have in common.

Despite knowing people all have some of the same desires such as to be loved, to be free from harm, for their voice to be heard, we often have a hard time helping others realize these desires. We also tend to share the same fears. Most of us fear looking foolish, be unloved, or being hurt. It doesn’t matter what religion you are, or what color you are. Inside we are more alike than we are different. Another reason racism of any kind confused me. When I encounter a person who is different than I am, my first thought is one of wonder. How is this person different? How can I learn from them? What do they do to be happy? What have they learned in their life?

So remember to respect our brothers and sisters that are different than us. We can all learn and benefit from each other. Also remember on the inside we are all alike.

IN OUR DARKEST DAYS

image

Quite often we find ourselves in a situation we cannot see the good in. Why did this happen? Try as we might we are unable to see the light in the darkness. What to do then? Just accept the fact that life sucks at the moment? If you know anything about me personally I believe feeling what we perceive as negative emotions can be a great learning experience as long as we choose not to live there. So after some head scratching and maybe even a few colorful words what should we do? Take a look around. See what we still have in our lives that haven’t left us. Maybe it is our faith? Maybe it is even our job obligations? Sounds weird, but when we feel on the outside of life looking in, knowing that our job needs and expects us to be there can go from a burden to a blessing.

Here is another great thing to look at. Who is still there. We have all had moments in our lives when things are not going our way. The worst times I can think of is when we don’t live up to our own standard and let those we care about down. Take a look around and see who is still there. They always say you can only see the stars when it is the darkest. Ask yourself, who are the stars in my life? Who shines the brightest when I am at my darkest. be thankful for them. Use the down periods to be grateful for what is left, then focus on reclaiming what you want to be.

WHY FIT IN WHEN YOU WERE BORN TO STAND OUT

image

This picture stood out to me for several reasons. Notice the guy in the middle, he is yellow, he is smiling, he has a sign that says “Thank you” he stands out. This picture is true of how it works in the world. When we are grateful we stand out and separate ourselves from the crowd. Think of how that person that always smiles makes you feel. We all know one. If you wish to stand out from the crowd do something different, be happy, be grateful. Then you will be like our friend in the picture here.

I must confess when I first saw this picture and thought of using it as a blog post this is where the idea sat, to stand out from the crowd all we need to do is be happy and be thankful. I even printed out the picture to help remind me of that. I welcome you to print out this blog post and share it with everyone you know. Let us fill the next picture with smiling happy guys saying thank you.

Would you like to know a secret? An additional thought came to me while I was pondering how to word this post. How to put this into an application that can be a win/win for yourself and those around you. Take this to a personal level. If you are a parent, try finding one thing a day to thank your children for, even if they happen to be driving you nuts. Try finding one thing a day to thank your coworkers for, even the one that you would rather be without. every time you speak with a friend, try beginning the conversation with something you are grateful for about them. Most powerfully, try this with your spouse. When, at the end of the day when you are laying down to retire try genuinely thanking them for something they did today. Especially if it has been a trying day. Do this for a few weeks and see how things in your life change. How your relationships deepen. I am just starting it myself and will let you know how it works.

THAT IS NOT FUNNY!! OH WAIT,YES IT IS

image

This is something to think about. It is always important to find and have something in your life that can make you laugh. It is even better if you have people in your life that can assist you with this. Life is truly a never-ending source of comedy once you are determined to find it. How hard can that be? Let me share a recent example in my own life with you. Because we are a bartender/dj couple on most nights, my lady and I have to grocery shop at some odd hours. Last night, or should I say at four o’clock this morning we found ourselves picking dish soap and things for dinner for the week. In the middle of all the food some previous shopper had left a toy pig that grunted when you squeezed it. My lovely lady found this quite amusing and proceeded to carry it with us as we shopped finding different noises she could create. It had us laughing as we went through the aisles and even startled a few other shoppers. the point is that is was just a random thing we had found in the grocery store and used it to create a evening of laughter. Now besides the benefits listed above, we also created a great memory to share between us. As mentioned in yesterdays post, it is very important to stock pile fun, loving and silly moments with those you care about in your life, both friends and spouses. So do yourself a favor and pick up that movie that makes you laugh, grab a joke book from the library or whatever else brings a smile to your face. The benefits will amaze you. Not to mention it feels amazing.