YOUR MIND…THE GARDEN

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Yesterday we talked about my recent “dropping the ball”. Today I want to share with you another way of looking at it.  This comes from one of my favorite speakers Les Brown. He compared the mind to the garden. In the garden weeds represent problems. So, in the garden of life we will consider weeds to represent the problems. As we can see above weeds, and problems, do not need any help to grow. They can even grow in the cracks in asphalt. If we left our garden to it’s own devices weeds would surely take over. That may sound crazy to a lot of us. Why, after all, would you go through the problem of setting up a garden, planting a garden and then let nature take it’s course. Oddly enough, that is what most of us do in our lives. We wake up like an accident. No purpose, no focus. Oh sure we plan to go to work, plan to make dinner and a few other things, but those are not part of planting our garden.

Think of a garden, you have to choose what you want it to grow by planting the right seeds. What ideas or projects have you planted in your own life? Then, in our imaginary garden let us say  we planted roses. To raise a beautiful rose there are certain things you have to do. Water it so often, make sure it receives enough sun. Perhaps add some sort of fertilizer. Life is no different. If you have a great idea or project you have planted you must cultivate the proper environment for that idea to grow.

One more thing we have to do in our garden. Weed. If we just left weeds in our garden alone and worried about taking care of our plants they would eventually crowd out and kill our plants. Same in life. You must deal with your problems, or pull the weeds, before they grow and kill your dreams and ideas. So what we have here is a balance. You must tend to your plants in your garden, or your dreams, ideas and projects in your life. You must also spend time removing the weeds in your garden, or addressing and eliminating the problems in your life.

So take a look at your life. Do you have a garden with nothing planted in it? Do you just wake up and go through the motions letting nature take it’s course? Perhaps you have some dreams and goals you planted years ago and never tended to. Perhaps you were so busy trying to pull the weeds out of the garden of your life you forgot to tend to .and fertilize what you were trying to grow. Life is a balance my friends. Let us all work to have a more beautiful garden in 2016

KEEP YOUR KEYS IN YOUR POCKET

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Yesterday we spoke about why it is important not to replay and live in negative moments. Certainly it is beneficial to experience and learn from them, but not to spend a prolonged period of time there. There is another thing we are doing when we do that we might not be aware of. We are allowing that person to hurt us again. When someone does something that hurts us the pain we feel is partly their responsibility. I say ‘partly’ because if you have read previous blogs here I discuss ways to change what things mean to us and how they make us feel. Still, it is hard not to be hurt, when someone says something rude, hurtful or just plain mean to us. The fault becomes all our own, however, if we chose to replay and dwell on what they did or said. First of all, in no way does this effect them. The only person we are hurting is ourselves. In effect we are allowing this person to hurt us twice with the same action. The crazy part is we are doing the hurting to ourselves!

If you find yourself saying, “Yes, but they were the ones who did/said it in the first place”. That is true, but why let it continue to upset us? We are essentially as the quote above says ‘putting the key to our happiness in their pocket’.  Nobody cares more for your happiness than you. As Les Brown, which some of you may recall is one of my favorite speakers says. “80% of people don’t care and 20% are happy it is happening to you”. That may sound a bit dark, but it is generally true. We must decide to be in control of our own happiness. It is not only good for our health, but can be our greatest gift to others. Let’s be honest, we are more productive at work and at home when we are in a good mood. We are likely to be more compassionate with others when we are in a good mood. We are also more likely to spread that joy when we are in a good mood. So do yourself a favor, no matter what someone, or the world in general does to you. Keep the key to your happiness in your own pocket.

WHAT I HAVE RECENTLY LEARNED

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So it is only a few days into the new year and I am hoping you have a written description of who you want to become. I know I have. Here is the funny thing, I say funny because it sounds better than disappointing. Guess how long it took me to do something contrary to my vision of who I am to become in 2016? I am not sure exactly, but the time frame could be measured in hours. I am sure a lot of us may run into this. Perhaps your goal is to become a healthier version of yourself, but then your coworker brings in their delicious cheese cake they only make once a year. You are halfway through your first piece before you realize it is not quite a healthy meal. Well, allow me to share with you my fall and what I learned.

First, the most important lesson is that if you stumble, you don’t have to stay laying down. You get back up and work even harder. The second thing was a bit more complex. Part of who I want to be is a person who is more careful what they say, especially in emotional situations. Again, I dropped the ball a little with a friend of mine on that one. As I was relaying my disappointment in myself to a trusted friend of mine he shared something similar that happened between him and his wife. “I really screwed up” he began. He went on to explain that in the heat of the disagreement he voiced his opinions and concerns in such a way a man of the religious order would blush. I inquired to whether he apologized and tried to better explain himself. “yeah, but it won’t work. She told me she just keeps replaying everything I said in her head and it is making her feel worse and worse”. I was shocked to hear somebody would do that to themselves. As I soon discovered, a lot of us do.

Let us begin by discussing our emotions. If you have been following my blog for any length of time you know our emotions come from inside us, not from outside circumstances. It is not the actual event that makes us feel a certain way, but what we decide it means. We also have a choice of what to focus on. Truly this gentleman did not always speak to his wife that way, and truly she did things to make him feel loved and happy, not just upset. I know because I have seen how high on love this fellow has been. He seemed sad, but not angry. I asked him if he had thought about the things she may have said or done to make him upset. “Yeah, a little, but I just can’t help but thinking about how cute she looked before I left for work and how much I am missing the love we share” he replied.

The difference was obvious. When someone hurts us, that is on them. Certainly if they say or do something harsh it can cause us great distress. Let’s face it, reflecting on it is a natural and almost automatic response. When we do focus on the painful things people have said or down to us however, we are actually hurting ourselves. In the case of a husband and wife, and even in really close friendships, it should be clear that the intent is never to hurt the other person if the relationship is healthy. Knowing that the other person does not want to hurt us can at the very least, take us from pain and anger to confusion. OK, so if they do not want to hurt us why would they say these things that are so painful? That at least is a better question. Perhaps they are hurt as well? Perhaps there has to be a healthier outlet to discuss such things? Perhaps we had a roll in causing their reaction? Whatever the answer may be this brings up the next point. It changes our focus. When we just replay the hurt in our mind, we are living in the problem. Nothing moves forward and we can literally make ourselves physically sick. When we start to ask the ‘why’ questions and throw in a few thoughts of loving and/or nice things this person may have done, we move towards a solution mindset. Maybe the solution is to remove this person from our life? That would be the most extreme answer, and usually doesn’t come to that, but there are a million other choices. Remove the situation? Refocus? Perhaps change or eliminate the situation?

When we replay negative experiences we also replay the feelings they gave us and essentially hurt ourselves. Would it not make more sense to replay positive situations and the feelings they gave us? Make no mistake, I understand how extremely difficult this can be, but the positive effect it would have on our lives is worth the change.

 

ON THE ROAD AGAIN…

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I really love this picture.  Two signs you approach as you are heading down the freeway of life. The last two posts we discussed choosing the exit on the right, “new you”. Perhaps you have begun working on the new you as a lot of us do this time of year. Some of you may have begun to wonder if you took the wrong exit.  Feeling like you are slipping into the “old you” that’s why I like this picture.

What do I mean?  Like me explain how freeway exits work for those of you who do not drive and remind those of us who do.  When you see an exit sign and you dive towards it,  you are not immediately wherever the sign says.  Sometimes it is only a mile or so down the road. Sometimes however you can travel 100 miles or more before you reach your destination.  Sometimes it can a few days to reach your goal, sometimes it can even be twelve months. 

The point here is this, if you are traveling from New York to Los Angeles until you reach the Mississippi River you are still closer to the big Apple than you are to La La land.  It may seem like you are never going to get there even if you are moving in the right direction.  In fact,  you might not feel you have gotten close until you see the big Hollywood sign.

Life is much the same,  it is a journey and when you are trying to get from here to there there will be bumps and detours. Until you are halfway there you are still closer to where you came from than where you’re going. Is that a reason to give up and go back?  No, you have come all this way don’t make it for nothing.  If you have had to take a detour,  or even went back in the wrong direction a few times,  trust your journey and remember why you started.

Life is a journey,  enjoy the travels on your way to your final destination

Watch “TIME IS OF THE ESSENCE” on YouTube

In the new year we must trade talk for action.  Let’s make this the year for doing.  Feel free to check out this video,  and all the videos on my YouTube channel.  I welcome subscribers and comments!

ADD THEM IN ONE BY ONE

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Yesterday we talked about creating a description of who we want to be in the new year. We also talked about what things we would no longer tolerate in ourselves and our life, Things that would no longer fit in our new definition of ourselves. If you haven’t read yesterday’s blog, I highly suggest you do.
OK so pull out your list from yesterday and take a good look at it. That is who you now are. Before you tell me “I’m not there yet!” I’m going to tell you yes you are. If your goal is to be healthy and as you are reading this you are enjoying a hot fudge sundae, then I put forth you are a healthy person who is behaving unhealthy. It is time you start sarong both out loud and to yourself the new person you are. It is time to own that definition. The new year is upon us.

OK in addition to dropping things that are detrimental to the new definition of ourselves, with the new year it is time to think of what we need to add. Let’s take the goal of being healthy. What would help you there? Be honest with yourself. If the thought of working out doesn’t appeal to you right now, don’t go sign up at the gym. Maybe a food journal would be a better first step? Maybe some workout dvds for home would work better? New workout clothes? That new juicing machine?

Remember the goal is who you want to become, not what are you going to do. So the goal should not be to go to the gym more, but rather become a healthier version of myself. Now take whatever first step you are likely to stick with and will be enjoyable going forward. Then you will gain momentum. Why is that important? We will discuss that tomorrow.
For today look at yourself in the mirror and read your description of who you now are out loud. Then think of the most helpful things you can add to help you grow into that person

GIVE IT UP ALREADY!

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The year has come to an end. This is the time a lot of us start thinking about resolutions. Personally I am not a fan of them. I find them to be weak and most of them don’t last. That is why the parking lot at the gym is always less crowded in March than at the beginning of the year. So why do resolutions not last? I mentioned them being weak, that is because they seldom have purpose and a reason, or strong ‘why’ behind them. If you are ready, this year let us try something different.

Here is the idea, instead of writing things you want to do in the new year, sit down and write who you would like to become in the new year and why. Would you like to be healthier? Why is that important? Would you like to be less stressed? What benefits will that bring you? Sit down and write this out. A complete description of who you are committed to becoming and the reasons or why for that.

Now look at the picture above this blog. It is a list of things to give up to improve your life. It is a good list, offers reasons why, but I want you to create your own. Look at the person you are committed to becoming in 2016. Now think about what things in your life currently do not belong in a person like that. Write them down. This is your list of things to limit or remove from your life. Much like the list above you might want to include a why as well.

Now understand as you go through the year, especially at first, you may slip up and do, say or be some of those things. That’s ok. The goal is to do them less until you can finally cleanse your life of any behavior that does not work in your new self. If you can quit them right away, congratulations. If not, do not worry. Old habits die hard and as long as you keep at it you will triumph. Do not get down on yourself, become your own cheerleader. If you notice yourself faltering, instead of judging yourself, just notice how less you are doing it and be determined to go even longer the next time.

On a personal level, however you celebrate the new year, do so safely. I value all of you and look forward to teaching and learning from each other in 2016.

MAKE SURE YOU ARE LOOKING FOR THE RIGHT THING

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This is something that may be difficult for a lot of people. In fact, when you are under emotional distress it can be difficult for just about anyone, including an author/blog writer/postal worker. When you are having a disagreement the natural urge is to discover who is the one to blame for the upset. I have been guilty of this myself, if you don’t believe me I am sure my beautiful lady would back me up. Here is what I learned, Most of the time the fault is usually shared. Here is something else I have learned, finding out whose fault it is does little or nothing to fix the issue at hand.

So what should you be looking for? A solution, or as the picture above says, a remedy. Ask yourself this question, what would be the ultimate outcome? Let us say your spouse said something that really embarassed you in public. First of all, chances are they did not intend to do so, and if they did you may wish to question your choice of spouse. Now if you argue about whether it was their fault for saying it, or yours for not letting you know that won’t solve you feeling foolish. The ultimate goal here is to have your spouse know what bothers you and to hopefully have the situation not happen in the future.

This takes practice and trust me if you can try it first on an issue that is not so heated it works a lot better. Ask yourself what you would like to happen, what is your goal going forward? Then, ask yourself how you can best recruit your partners help in that matter. Here is a clue, saying “It is your fault” does not often lead to a feeling of cooperation. Rather let them know that you understand they did not mean to upset you and that you both would like to avoid that in the future. Then ask for their help in coming up with a solution. Having them involved creates a feeling of working together. Whether it is an intimate relationship, a friendship or even a coworker you are in this together and things work a lot better if you work together.
This works even better if you can begin by admitting your share of the fault to begin with. That takes the pressure off of everyone. It may also take the fire out of the arguement to some extent. It works even better if you are to follow it up with something like “I would like to work together to make sure we don’t have this problem in the future. What can I do on my end to help that?” To often we like to tell people what they should do, but in reality whether or not that will happen is up to them. Showing that you are willing to work on things on your side demonstrates good faith and a desire to clear up conflict.

So in the 2016 let us work to find remedies, not fault.

LOVE THEM ALL

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Yesterday we spoke of change and how important it was to embrace it. Here is another subject we should consider going into the next year, diversity. I know that can be a buzz word around the office and for HR purposes, but I am talking about personal diversity.

What do I mean by personal diversity? Imagine being surrounded by people exactly the same as yourself. Dating someone exactly like yourself, talking to people who think just like you do, watch the same shows, go to the same places. Life would not be very exciting. You would never learn about great new places to explore, new foods to try and new experiences to have. So in the coming year we should make a point to expand our personal social circle. Find people who can teach you, who can inspire you and who can bring something new to your life experience. It will be one of the best gifts you can give yourself in the new year!

JUST DON’T FIGHT IT

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As the old year starts to wind down and we prepare for the upcoming year there is one thing that is certain, it will not be the same. It is even hard to imagine a year being exactly the same as the last. Can you imagine eating the same things next December 28th that you ate this morning? Going to work and having the same things happen? Can you imagine having to wear the same clothes that you did on that day the year before? If all of this sounds absurd, ask yourself why. Is eating the same thing really depend on who you are with and what you can afford? Does wearing the same things depend on the weather?

The point of this is some people cannot accept, or at the very least have a hard time realizing things change. Fighting change is like trying to stop the sun from rising, it is just not going to happen. Of course there are great things in our life that we would like to never end. I have had a few of those myself, but time marches on and certainly everything from that fabulous party you were attending to a friendship, relationship or even the life of someone you care about must all come to an end. Change is the natural progression of things. If this were not the case a seed would never become a plant and we would not have food. Medicine would never be developed, houses would not be built we would never have the chance to see our children grow and develop.

So what can we do when something that gives us a great sense of joy changes? I was faced with this in the most odd circumstances just the other day. There is a building that has stood close to where I grew up. It was a car dealership at one point, a carpet store and probably some other things I forgot. I never spent a good amount of time inside of this place, but I must have walked by it a thousand or more times. It was a very unique building and I always thought it would make a great coffee shop. The other day I drove by and found it mostly demolished. For some reason I am not totally clear on it affected me more than I thought it should. I struggled with it for a while and was talking with a friend who pointed out that I can celebrate whatever the new building may be. I realized I had been living in the past and although the old building had some great memories perhaps there were even better ones to be made with the new one.

Everything is not this easy. When a relationship ends or a loved one dies we can’t, and shouldn’t just move on. Keeping the treasured memories and finding a way to honor them is one way to keep them alive in our hearts. Much like the seed having to crack open and fade away for the plant to develop sometimes the same is true in our life. Without the seed there would have been no plant, but in order for the plant to come to life the seed must have had to go away. As one of my favorite speakers Les Brown says, “sometimes it is hard to see the picture when you are in the frame”. So just know change will come and we must look for the good in the new while keeping the great memories of the past close to our heart.