I ran into my friend Linda at my day job today. For those of you who may not have read the post about Linda that we shared some time ago, she is a wonderful lady that stops in the Post Office I work in. Linda lost her grandson a while back and we shared some thoughts and tears on that subject. She has not only become a great supporter of my writing, but a muse of sorts as well. She is one of those friends that every time I talk to them, I leave with many more ideas to write about and share with you.
On this particular morning, we were talking about books we enjoyed. I don’t even recall how we got on the subject, if I am being honest. The interesting thing we discovered we have in common, was that we both reread books. My favorite book is How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. My best guest would be that I have read it seven times. Why on earth would I do that? Do I just have that bad of a memory? No. The reason why I read that book so many times is simple. I am a different person who is reading it. Before you think that I am referring to the multiple voices who take up residence in my head, let me explain. As we go through life we are shaped by many different life experiences. Hopefully, we use them to grow and we are ever evolving. If you are reading a blog like this one, I venture to say that is probably the case for you. Therefore, when you pick up a book a year from now, the person who opens the cover will be different than the one who did so last time you read it. In fact, the hand that turns the last page will belong to a different person than the one who turned the first page.
In life there are many circumstances that deserve revisiting. Whether that is a book, a skill you are trying to develop or a course you wish to take. You are a different person than you were last time you did any of those things. You are a person who has grown, evolved and experienced many different things in life. Even reading the same book, you will appreciate it in a new way and get something new out of it. What things could you revisit that you might learn even more from now than the last time?
When you are facing a tough challenge in life, it can be very tempting to run away from it. That will not facilitate growth of any nature. It is not our fault that we are predisposed to do this. Our brains are wired to avoid pain. I have learned two things about the storms of life from Les Brown, one of my favorite speakers. He said you are in one of three situations. You are about to enter a storm, you are in the middle of the storm, or you are just leaving a storm. This may sound a bit doom and gloom, but there are always challenges in life. Another thing he said is that there is too much pain in life to duck. No matter where you hide, it will find you. Don’t want to pay your credit card bill? They will find you and chances are, you will end up owing more.
The above quote from Wilma Mankiller seems counter intuitive, but it really is a secret to reducing stress in life. Your brain may be screaming “Get me the hell out of here!” That is the opposite of what you want to do. By running away from a problem, you only prolong it. Not to mention, you have the stress of knowing the challenge is still hanging over you. Conversely, if you run headlong into the challenge, you actually shorten its duration. It may be uncomfortable at first. No, actually it will be uncomfortable. The stress you will go through initially, will reduce the stress you feel long-term.
It can be so tempting to run from your problems, but doing so only makes them last longer and become bigger. Face them. Run through them like the buffalo. You will find that your life contains a lot less stress than if you would spend it trying to avoid problems. As an added bonus, you will have tremendous growth of character that you would not get by avoiding the storms of life.
I think by now most of you know that I am not a fan of winter or winter weather. We were doing pretty good making it through with not much in the way of snow and cold. Then, in the space of a week, we received almost a foot of snow followed by temperatures well below zero! It was so cold, even the sun took a vacation, which did not help anyone’s attitude. If you walked outside for any length of time, you ran the risk of your nose freezing shut. For someone who enjoys sand beaches and palm trees, this was a little hard to take.
In any situation, I recommend finding the lesson and the blessing. Asking yourself the questions “What is positive about this?” and “How can I use this?” Thinking about the permafrost that was once my backyard, I was having difficulty finding anything to enjoy about it. Even my car was not to thrilled to be out in the elements. Then I saw the picture above online. It not only made me laugh, it brought up a good point. The roads here are filled with holes from the plowing and road salt sitting on the concrete. When it snows and freezes, it fills the holes and, for a little while, the road is actually smoother. Do not get me wrong, I still would rather be laying on a beach chair under a palm tree, but this makes the cold a little easier to take.
How about you? Is there something that you really do not enjoy? Have you asked yourself the two questions, “What good can I find in this?” and “How can I use that?”. If you are having a tough time, try using your sense of humor. It can often shed light on something that at the very least will make you laugh. It may even show you a positive way of looking at something that previously you could find no positive. If you have any examples, please share!
For roughly 9 years (we actually don’t know when we first got together) Margie and I have lived together. We went to bed together every night, we woke up in each others arms. She even once had a cute little thing to say about brushing our teeth in the same sink. She made her cakes in the kitchen, and on occasion, I wrote in the living room. We watched movies on the couch together. As our busy lives ticked away we always had the fact that we were living together to come back to at the end of the day. That is no longer the case.
In January of 2022, I had to undergo open-heart surgery. Most of you know this story. If you don’t, I wrote an entire book, The Beat Goes On, that chronicles my journey. This includes a brief flirtation with death. After all of that, my life, and consequently our life, was never the same. You would think this would happen all at once. That it may be one of those epiphany moments. It didn’t. There were small changes. Especially after writing the afore-mentioned book, realizations began to dawn on me. This began to create changes in my life. My writing took on a new sense of urgency. My humor became far more valuable. Of course, as the title of this post says, Margie and I stopped living together.
Why after years together and coming out of such a traumatic experience, would we choose to stop living together? Let me clarify. We are still under the same roof. We still look forward to collapsing in each other arms after a long hard day. We still watch movies on the couch. How can I say that we don’t live together? The reason I say that is there was a dramatic shift in how we perceive our relationship. When you are living with someone, you are just going through a day-by-day existence. What my medical adventure taught us is that we are actually dying together.
At first blush, this may sound a bit morbid. The thing that makes life so valuable is the fact that it ends. If it were not for the possibility of death, life would cease to have much meaning. What sounds scary, but it never-the-less true, is that every second we live, we are one second closer to death. It is that constant ticking of the clock that should make every second more and more valuable. When Margie and I realized that we were slowly dying together, everything became more precious. Moments we spend in the kitchen being silly. Nights that I read to her in bed. Trips to the grocery store. You never know when any of there could be the last of its kind.
Knowing that everyone we are share our life with, we are actually slowly dying together may sound like one of the most dark ways of thinking, but it is the opposite. Could you really be mad at the driver who cut you off if you think about the fact that both of you are on earth dying together? Him, perhaps sooner if he continues to drive like a fool. How about the customer that is rude to you? Your life, and theirs, is continually growing shorter. Are you really going to waste any of it on anger? I think the realization that we are all on earth dying together fosters a sense of compassion for a stranger. You never know when their life, or yours, could end. Make every second the precious treasure it is.
As for the beautiful (and smart, she is not just beauty.) lady that I share my home with, we are no longer living together and we have never been happier or more in love.
I have written several times about the story of the lion and the gazelle. How every morning if Africa a lion and a gazelle both wake up. If the gazelle doesn’t run fast, the lion will eat it. If the lion doesn’t run fast enough to catch the gazelle, it will starve. Either way, they both have to run. On the surface, you would say they are both motivated by the will to live. There is one difference I noted. The gazelle’s motivation comes from an external source – the lion. If there was no lion present, the gazelle would just relax and watch Netflix, or whatever gazelles do in their free time. It is like the coworker who only seems to be busy when the boss is watching. Otherwise they might be in the breakroom…watching Netflix. Their motivation is based on an outside source.
The lion, on the other hand, has inner motivation – his hunger. If there is no gazelle present he will look for one or hunt something else. He has to eat. Here is an employee who has the work ethic to do a good job even when the boss is on vacation. They often come to work early or stay late. Their motivation is driven by a desire to do a good job, whether anyone will ever know.
How about you? Are you a lion or are you a gazelle? Do you need outside motivation to chase your dreams and goals? Are you running from and responding to every situation in life or are you laser-focused and running after your dreams? Does your realization that you are not quite the person you wish to be drive you to push to get better? If not, how could you develop this lion mentality? Can you only go “Beast Mode” in the gym, when you have got enough sleep, the sun is shinning and everyone in your household is getting along, or do you workout because it is Tuesday and that is what you do? Are you working out to impress everyone else, or because you want to be the strongest healthiest version of yourself?
One of the best ways to develop that inner motivation is to get clear on your ‘why’. What are the reasons you are chasing a goal? What makes is so important to you? What would you gain if you achieved it? What would you lose if you did not? Get clear on that and you will become a lion and pursue your goals and dreams with the ferocity of a lion on the hunt.
One of the most ironic things that I hear as a life coach is that people do not have the time for self-care and self-improvement. The misconception here is that it is somehow a separate area of your life. They will say things such as “I know I need to take better care of my mental and physical health, but I really need to focus on my money situation.” or “I would love to spend more time improving the way I deal with stress, but the kids keep me so busy.”
Do you know what the common denominator in your money, your parenting, your career as well as every other area of your life is? I give you a really big clue, you can find it in the mirror. You are the common ingredient in every area of your life that you are trying to improve. Worried about your health? Here is an interesting fact, do you know that you are 11% more likely to have a heart attack on Monday morning than any other day? How can that be? We hear about smoking, alcohol consumption and diet being risk factors. None of them would make Monday worse than any other day. What the data tells us is that life and job dissatisfaction is one of the main risk factors for heart attacks. When you are going to a job that is killing your soul every week, it might be killing more than that. If you are having an issue dealing with work stress, not taking the time to get help and learn to use stress in a healthy way can end up costing you a lot more than just medical bills.
How about money? Everybody needs to focus on their finances. What would we need to be more financially healthy? Energy? The ability to deal with stress and change? Focus? The ability to perform better at work? How are all of these obtained? We could focus on each area one at a time, which a lot of us do, but there is a quicker way. That is to focus on you. If you improve yourself, you will be a better parent, a better employee, a better business owner, a better friend and a better lover. When we improve ourselves, our lives improve. If you bring a better ‘you’ to any area of your life, that area will improve.
In closing, we need to stop treating self-care and self-improvement as a separate area of our life. Instead, we need to understand by focusing on improving ourselves, every area of our life will improve. If we focus on our physical health, for example, we will be sick less often. This would allow us to use less sick days at work. It would give us more quality time with our children and our spouse. That would make us better parents and lovers. If we improve our mental health and ability to deal with stress and change, that will help us be a more patient and attentive lover, parent and coworker. If we work on improving our listening skills…well, you get the idea. Focus on yourself. It is one of the best things you can do for everyone else.
It might be slightly ironic that one of my favorite people to quote is a French writer, but it is. Voltaire had a lot of interesting points of view. I like this quote specifically. How many of us have commented, at one time or another, about God’s sense of humor. In my life, there have been many examples.
More interesting in this quote, is the inference that we all take life far too seriously. Most of what we concern ourselves with, will not matter months, weeks or even days from now. Off the top of your head, can you name the Super Bowl champion from 4 years ago? How about the World Cup champion from 3 years ago? My guess is that unless you are from the location that won, or you are a super fan of the sport, your answer would be ‘no’. Yet, how many grown adults scream at each other every game? Don‘t even get me started on people who worry if they do not have the right brand of shoes or clothing on. Some of the happiest people in the world can hardly afford shoes.
Even the more ‘serious’ of the worries are only as important as the amount of our energy that we designate to them. Read that last line again slowly. Remember in high school when you had your first heart break? Seemed like the world would end. Now, how many times do you even stop and think about it? Lose a job you thought you would have until you retired? Certainly sucks, but that has been the starting point for a lot of amazing life stories. I believe God is a comedian. I believe the purpose of life is to find love and laughter as much as you can. I believe the ultimate gift is to not only find the humor in life, but most importantly, sharing it with others. For the last few days of the year, let us do ourselves a terrific favor. Let us lighten up, not take things too seriously and not be afraid to laugh.
It can be hard to decide what actions to take and how to take them to improve different areas of your life. It may benefit you to meal prep and eat healthy meals for your physical well-being. Those same actions may not be the best ideas if you are trying to create a romantic date with you and your partner. Going to the gym is a great to reduce stress, but takes time away from your kids. Unless, of course, you get them to go to the gym with you. It would be so wonderful if there were a universal character trait that we could incorporate and develop in our lives that would benefit everything. Great news, there is!
Even better news is that it is only 3 words you need to start using in your life. Still too much? Ok, it is actually 2 words, because the last 2 are a hyphenated word, thus they are actually one word. Bad news for some of you, those words are consistent self-discipline. Here is why it needs to be those words. If you are self-disciplined ‘once in a while’, which really is not being disciplined at all, you will not see much of a difference in your life, if any at all. If you are careful with your diet one day, and the next get the most for your money at the all-you-can-eat buffet, your waistline will not shrink. If you workout every Monday, but sit around on your butt the other 6 days, a healthy physique will not be in your future. The picture above shows us the great reason to be self-disciplined. If we are, we control ourselves. If we only eat healthy if they are sold out of Bavarian cream doughnuts at the grocery store, they control us. side note: I found the secret here is to skip that section all together at first. If we only manage to control our road rage when the driver ahead of us actually does the speed limit, then they control us. Being self-disciplined means we control ourselves. Isn’t that how life should be?
Here is another reason to be consistently self-disciplined – it speaks to your integrity. (another great word to work on) If you only give your partner flowers when you make them mad, you are someone looking to make up for their mistakes. Not exactly a bad thing, but still reacting to the moment. If you are someone who is consistently taking action that will improve your relationship. You bring flowers home for no other reason than to put a smile on your partner’s face. You genuinely compliment them when you notice something wonderful about them. You help without being asked. Then you are someone who is in control of their role in the relationship. It speaks to your character as a good life partner. If you only avoid those doughnuts one day a week, you are someone struggling to be healthy. If the doughnuts are the exception and not the rule, you are a healthy person.
Here is the best reason to be consistent in your self-discipline – it allows you to accomplish things. If you want to be a success at ANYTHING, you need to be self-disciplined, and you need to be so consistently. If you want to be healthy, if you want to be wealthy, if you want to have an amazing life or relationship, if you want to be a great writer or cake designer, you need to be consistent in your self-discipline. You need to take the actions on a daily basis that allow you to become the person who will accomplish the goals you are chasing. This formula does not allow doing things only when you feel like it, or when it is easy. Everyone likes to go to the gym when it is convenient, but what about when it is freezing outside? How about when it is raining? Snowing? You must be consistent in your discipline and your dedication.
How do you become self-disciplined? I will give you 3 quick ways and encourage you to research more on your own. First, take a look at the picture to start this post. There are a lot of great ideas. Second, pick up so good books on the subject and practice what they say. One of my favorites is Discipline Equals Freedom by Jocko Willink. Third, and most important, develop your why. If you have a strong enough purpose, it will keep you going when the feeling to do so is absent. I would love to hear your tips for staying disciplined in the comments below. We could all use a little extra help in this area.
Do not worry. This is not some sort of legally questionable promotion of a Mexican food product by a daughter of a president of the United States. In fact, it has nothing to do with that brand of food. Although, many of their products are very tasty. This is about a missing step that many people miss in pursuing an amazing life. It is also a vital step in using the Law of Attraction that people often miss. It was mentioned in the movie The Secret, but somehow most people missed it, including several of the people who were in the movie.
The steps listed in the Law of Attraction, and the movie The Secret, are to 1. ask 2. believe 3. receive. There is an important aspect missing here. If you think positive thoughts and you believe, it will put you in the right mental and emotional state, but people will still come and take your car and furniture unless you add a step between 2 and 3. That step is inspired action. It was mentioned in the movie, and often in books and lectures on LOA, but because it is not listed as one of the steps, many people miss it. Following the first two steps will put opportunities in front of you. If you do nothing else, they will find themselves in front of someone else. It is like when the server places a gourmet meal in front of you. If you don’t grab the knife and fork and dig in, you will never enjoy it.
In this case, G.O.Y.A. stands for get off your ass. Goals are great. Planning is wonderful. If it is not followed up by action, you are not going to get anywhere. Many people worry, “What if I take the wrong action?” Better to do that and find out and be able to switch it up to the correct action. If you do nothing, you will get nothing. Inspired action should not feel too much like work. The excitement of knowing you are getting closer to accomplishing your goals should keep you motivated.
It might not be a bad idea to purchase a can of your favorite Goya product and place it somewhere you can see. It will serve as a great reminder that we all need to take action to get anywhere in our life. You need to put in the work in the physical realm as well as the mental and spiritual. Go ahead, visualize, meditate, but then go hit the gym or get outside and work. Picture yourself as a best-selling author, but then sit down and write 1000 words. You must put in the work. G.O.Y.A.
I would like to relay another story to you. This one also drove home a great point people may have a hard time grasping emotionally. Inside this story is the secret to an amazing life. It is a difficult and uncomfortable secret, but a powerful one. If you get the lesson in this story (don’t worry we will talk about it after) then you will have what you need to begin transforming your life starting today. I warn you, that you might not be ready to read this story. Although it will provide you the potential to positively impact your life, it will require a few things on your part. These are things that people may find difficult and uncomfortable. The payoff is that if you do make the sacrifice, you will have less stress and worry. You will also have a much greater feeling of control over your life. It will require you to be brutally honest with yourself. It will require you to get rid of your excuses and your ability to blame. In their place, you will need to take on a feeling of responsibility and accountability.
Are you ready? Here we go. A man goes to visit the doctor. The doctor inquires as to the nature of his ailments. The man goes on to describe a list of issues he seems to be having in his life. The doctor listens to the seemingly unrelated issues the man is having. After he has finished explaining everything that ails him, the doctor replies, “I need to write you several prescriptions.” He proceeds to scribble on a tablet of paper, rip the sheet off, and start on the next. He does this for 5 or 6 sheets. The man assumes he will be getting 5 or 6 medicines. The man asks for his prescriptions so he can be on his way. “Oh these are not for you.” The doctor replies. The man looks confused. “This one is for your mother-in-law. This other one is for your boss. This third one is for the rude person at the coffee shop.” He continues this for each of the medicines.
This story may strike you as crazy. How is this man ever going to get better if all of the treatments go to the other people in his life? Great question. How do we ever expect our lives to change when we are blaming and waiting for everyone else to change? If we truly want our lives to change, it is us who has to do the changing. Wayne Dyer once said, “When we change the way we look at things; the things we look at change.” This could not be more true. Some of you may argue, “Why do I have to change when it is my stupid boss who treats me unfair? He is the one that has to change!” Let me ask you this, whether it is your boss, your spouse or the driver who cut you off in traffic, while you wait for them to change, how is your own life improving? How long do you think you will have to wait until they change so your life can begin improving? My guess would be somewhere between a really long time and never.
This may make the situation seem hopeless, but that could not be further from the truth! When you stop blaming others and waiting for them to change, you take back control of your life. I will give you one tool and one strategy to start using today that has helped me and will definitely help you. First the tool. I recommend the book Extreme Ownership by Jocko Willink and Leif Babin. These two former Navy Seals show how they used extreme ownership to become great leaders in the world of combat. Which, I would guess, is far more intense than most of what we are going through. Pick yourself up a copy. Whether from Amazon or the public library.
Here is the strategy. This does not require you to read anything and you can begin to use it as soon as you finish reading this blog. I get this idea from Rhonda Byrne in one of her great books. I think it was The Power, but do not quote me on that. People who irritate you, vex you or cause some other unpleasantness in your life can be hard to put up with. I certainly have a few of my own. She recommends viewing them as ‘Personal Emotional Trainers’ or P.E.T.s. This gives you 2 distinct benefits. Frist, like a physical trainer, who pushes you when you feel you are on the brink of death, you know in the end you will be a stronger better person. I know after a hard workout, you do not usually feel like taking your trainer out for a cocktail. You might look at them wondering what kind of sadistic tendencies make people do that to other people. Maybe that is just me. You don’t say any of these things because you know their goal is to make you a better person. Guess what? Those annoying people you would be tempted to say something to? You just hired them as your trainers. In this case it is for your emotions and your behavior. When you may look at someone with anger or even road rage, just know they are your trainers. You don’t want to fail in front of your trainer. Not to mention, I think many of them get some sort of sick pleasure out of seeing that happen. Nope, you are going to thank them (Don’t worry you can do that part in your mind) and know they are making you an emotionally stronger and more resilient person.
I know I told you 2 benefits. I did not forget the second one. Although, that has been know to happen on occasion. Here is the best part. When you feel like your new personal emotional trainer may have pushed you a little too hard, remember the acronym – P.E.T. Just know they are your pet. When you think of a pet, is it like the cute little dog above? Maybe imagine walking that person on a lease through the park may make you feel better. Whatever works to help you take their negative behavior and let it turn you into a better person.
SECRET 2 AN AMAZING LIFE 