Here is a good thought to remember- hurting people back makes you just like them. This can be difficult to remember in the middle of an emotional situation when all you want to do is see the other party hurting just as bad as their actions hurt you.
If we are being honest, not only is that becoming just like them, it is the lowest course of action we could take. Giving into our emotions and reacting makes us a slave to both our emotions and the other person’s actions. If we take a breath, and a moment to ourselves, until we are able to respond, then we can make the choices and take the actions that are best for the situation.
It also keeps the door open for the future of the relationship. Reducing the amount of hurt and terrible things done or said,in any relationship, increases the likelihood that relationship will continue.
Next time someone gets you upset, before you react, and hurt them, ask yourself if you are going to be a slave to your emotions and let them control you. Instead, take a moment and respond. That way you are in control. Not the other person’s actions. Not your emotions. You are in control. It will only benefit your relationships in the long term.
Today is the first day of summer where I live. To me, it is one of the best days of the year. I was born in the summer, I love the sunshine and I can never have enough summer fun. Thus, the official start of the season is greeted with great joy and enthusiasm. I am sure the same is true for those of you who enjoy fall or spring. I can’t really wrap my head around those of you who feel this way about winter, but the same must hold true there as well. Another thing that makes this day so special is that where I live summer is very short and fleeting. It makes the season we do have that much more special.
I do my best to enjoy as many wonderful events during this season as I can. As you read this, I will be attending an exciting bike race taking place just blocks from where I live. There will be a street party and many other fun things to do. I will also be enjoying the sunshine and the company of the woman I love. Finding new and exciting ways to celebrate the season I love is a fun adventure. I will do the same, with the help from my lady, for my birthday. We are also planning to take our first vacation in several years.
Both celebrating and planning fun things to do only serves to extend the joy of the actual event itself. Looking at videos of different resorts will certainly put us in an excited state. Perhaps planning a tour or two? Maybe even just planning where will we eat dinner on what night can be exciting. Looking at all the fun places to explore and learn about. This is all before the plane touches down on the runway. Same is true for my thoughts of summer. Margie and I were talking about more picnics and bike rides this year. My mother and I were talking about exploring new parks and woods to hike in. This is all before the season of summer has actually begun. Getting excited for these events will make them more enjoyable, and thought out, when they actually happen.
What events or times of year do you look forward to? How do you celebrate? Remember there is always something to celebrate and be grateful for!
This post could have been titled many different things. “My secret to happiness” and “23 years of training” were other considerations. Let’s talk about the title i did choose. “Everyone should do this once in their life. ” What should everyone do once in their life? I think everyone should work a job in retail at least once in their life. You should do this for several reasons.
The first reason is that you will have a lot more compassion for people who work in retail. When you may feel tempted to yell at a store clerk during the holidays or demand the coffee shop employee creates your beverage with a certain amount of ice cubes or anything that involves fractions, you will reconsider. You will personally know how it feels to be on the receiving end of that.
The other reason to work a job in retail is to expose yourself to as many different people and ideas as you can. Like anything in life, this can either drive you crazy or make you more open-minded and compassionate. It may be one of the best ways that I know to meet people in many different fields and with many different beliefs. You may discover things that you never knew you enjoyed about some of your fellow human beings. It is good training on managing your emotions when it comes to these same fellow human beings. It will also train you, if you use it for this purpose, on managing your own emotional well-being.
I was a bartender for 23 years. My next book will be my journey from that profession to self-improvement author, speaker and blog writer. In this profession, and just in life in general, one of the questions I get a lot is, “How can you be happy all of the time.” The short answer is that I am not. Margie can certainly attest to that. It also would make life pretty boring. We learn most when we go through challenges. That is where the growth comes from. The goal in life should not be to be happy 100% of the time. You will never achieve that and it may even increase the feelings of failure you have. The goal should be to reduce the frequency and intensity of the times you are not. You should also endeavor to learn from every situation you experience in life.
Learning from everything in life is what I do my best to do. I am always trying to figure out what works and what doesn’t. When I think about what allows me to feel upbeat most of the time, a lot of things come to mind. First is gratitude. Developing a attitude of gratitude is one of the most powerful things you can do for yourself. Surrounding yourself with what Les Brown calls OQP, or only quality people. These are the ones who will both encourage you and hold you accountable. Developing a routine of self-care is another thing that will pay dividends in the long run. I recommend all of these steps to each and every one of you reading this, but it was something I learned on my first day of bartending that made a huge difference.
Jimmy G was the man who trained me. He was one of the most respected bartenders in the city and taught me many things that I will never forget. I had the good fortune to work with and under several amazing men. One of the things Jimmy told me was “Nobody cares about your problems.” He went on to explain that you never want to walk into a bar with a depressed or even indifferent bartender. Whatever is happening in your life, for the time you are behind the bar you must put it behind you. “When you are done working you can go back to being sad, mad or whatever else you are dealing with. When you are behind the bar, you must act as if it is the greatest day of your life.” I used this same manner of thinking when it came to working the window area of the post office. Even if people dealt with me for a mere 60 seconds, I wanted it to be the best 60 seconds of their day.
What I learned by being ‘happy’ for an eight hour bartending shift, is that you can emotionally compartmentalize many emotions. I was forced to learn many methods and find the ones that worked for me. Doing this for the time I was working taught me that I could still have things crumbling down in my life and manage a positive outlook. In doing so, it allowed me to see opportunities and solutions I may have missed if I was in the whirlwind of negative emotion focused on what is wrong. This is a skill that has stuck with me. I am grateful for the chance to learn it. Having a positive outlook, even one that may be just ‘show’ for the public, can help us see ways in which to do so authentically.
A few posts ago we looked at a quote from Albert Einstein. It highlighted the choice between living life as though nothing was a miracle, or living life as though everything was a miracle. Can you really live life as though everything was a miracle? You can and it can be easier than you think!
I believe there are two keys to living your life as though everything was a miracle. The first is to begin to look for them. There are two examples in the pictures above. The first is how the scoop came out of my protein powder. I was on the way to the gym and not really feeling my workout and there appears a smiley face on my scoop from my protein powder! The second was a majestic sunrise on my way to work. Seldom am I feeling it on the way to work. Seeing this wonderful example of natures beauty does give a lift to the spirit!
The second key to living life as though everything was a miracle is to ask yourself “what is the miracle in this?” Again, we get an example of some majestic natural beauty. That would be the love of my life, Margie. When I think of our love and ask myself, “What is the miracle in our love?” There are many answers to choose from. It is a miracle that we found each other. It is a miracle that we made it through many difficult challenges early on before our love even had a chance to grow. It seems like a miracle how we find new ways to make our love grow. Imagine how your view of your relationship might change if you asked yourself, “What is the miracle in my relationship?”
Try doing those two things this month. Look for the Miracles around you. Then pick situations and ask yourself “What is the miracle in this?” You will be surprised how that will change your view of your relationship, your job, and even your time in line at the grocery store. Walking through the park, I saw the miracle of life with this baby duck and its mother. You can live life as though everything was a miracle by doing these two things. Soon you will discover that, indeed, everything is a miracle.
This is a subject that I feel has been written about at great length. There is great scientific evidence that having a purpose does great things for your life. It can reduce stress. It can help guide you as to what actions you should take. It can also help sustain you when things are not going so well. In my own life, I have even felt a sense of energy and resilience when keeping my purpose in mind. This is why you owe it to yourself to spend some time on finding your true purpose. What we are going to look at today can take anywhere from a few seconds, to a few minutes. Nothing more than that. It will be easy and it will be fun. It will also give you a taste of all the wonderful benefits we mentioned above.
As we can see in the picture of the baby swan above, it is walking with a sense of purpose. One of the most difficult things about finding your purpose, is that people look at it as this larger-than-life activity. It doesn’t have to be. There are two important things to consider when finding your purpose. One, your purpose can change. You don’t have to worry about choosing the wrong purpose or making a mistake. You can always decide to tweak your purpose as you, and your life change. You can even decide to scrap it and choose a new one. You will still move further and faster than going through life without one. There is a fun little exercise you can do while you are pondering what your life purpose may be. It takes no time at all and will add a great deal of positive things to your life.
The secret to helping your mind get used to living with purpose is to start out small. Pick a daily purpose. It could be to clean a section of the house. A good purpose could be to reach out to someone you know is hurting just to offer them support. Hopefully, everyone in your life is happy and not hurting. If this is the case, you could even send a card, or even an email or message, just to say you were thinking of them and appreciate them. Your purpose may be to bring more joy into a friendship or relationship. Perhaps today’s purpose is to give 110% on the job site. There are more spiritual/emotional ways to go about it. Your purpose could be to just spend quality time with friends and be fully present, like these ducks and birds were doing when I happened upon them. Devoting time to self-care can be a great purpose. Spending 30 minutes with a good cup of tea or coffee and a great book can do wonders for the spirit. The more you practice these ‘daily purposes’ the easier it is to live a life that is both rewarding as well as fulfilling.
I would love to hear more about what activities you decide to choose as your daily purpose. Are you a parent that decides to impart one item of life knowledge with your child? Was your purpose to do one thing to improve your relationship with your boss? Maybe you would like to take a step to help local wildlife? I would love to hear what you decide. Your ideas could help spark an idea in someone else. Who knows what that might lead to? As a bonus, when you do these ‘little’ life purposes, you will not only see one aspect of your life improve daily, you will also have a daily sense of accomplishment.
If you have followed me for any length of time, you know I am a fan of many different authors and speakers. Today’s post is courtesy of one such individual, David Goggins. David is a raw and real speaker that may be offensive in his language to some. He does, however, have a wealth of knowledge and great information. One of my favorite subjects he speaks on is the mindset of greatness. His best comparison is that of a job interview. When we are first interviewing for a job, what do we do days, weeks or even longer before? We make sure our clothes are ready, have our coffee cup out, a breakfast ready to be made. In short, we are preparing to make it as easy as possible to bring our best self to the interview. It usually works, and we get the job. What happens several months to a year down the line? We no longer put our clothes out the night before. Maybe our breakfast isn’t ready. Perhaps we are a few minutes late because we had to wait for the coffee to brew. We become comfortable. We have the job and so why spend the time doing all of the extras?
This can happen even sooner for some of us. It is a natural sort of progression. Should the company face the prospect of having to downsize, or we hear a rumor that we might lose our job, then we amp up our efforts once again. Of course, once that threat lessens or goes away entirely, we are back to going through the motions of going to work and coming home. Les Brown, another favorite speaker, once said we do enough at a job not to get fired, and they pay us just enough not to quit. That may very well be true. Another fact is that if you are looking to be promoted or to get a raise, all you need to do is to do more work than is required for you. Companies will not want to lose an employee with that mindset. They will do everything they can to hang on to someone who is willing to ‘go the extra mile’.
Our job is not the only place this thinking shows up. One of the places were we tend to do this the most is in our intimate relationships. When we are trying to win someone’s affection, or shortly after we do so, we act a certain way. We send flowers for no reason. We are more likely to do things for that person without complaint. Fast forward being together for years and what happens? We, almost subconsciously, take the relationship, if not the person, for granted. We think to ourselves that area of our life is ‘handled’ and we can place our energy elsewhere. We start to compliment them less. Maybe we show less affection. When they ask us to do something, it feels more like a chore.
Much like our job, if a challenge arises, so do our efforts. If the person we are with suddenly has an attractive new coworker, or maybe they do something that indicates they might be thinking of moving on, then we begin to put more effort into our relationship with them. Maybe we come home with some flowers. We might take time out of our work day to send them a loving text or perhaps a quick call. Once we become comfortable again, our efforts may start to dwindle. If you want a more amazing and deeper relationship, the steps are the same as getting a promotion or raise at work. All we have to do to take our relationships to the next level is go the extra mile. In short, do all of the amazing things we did when we were trying to win them and we will only serve to strengthen and deepen the relationship we have.
A good bonus of this thinking is that there should be more ideas the longer you are together. In the years Margie and I have been together, I have learned many new things that make her happy and feel loved. In some cases, I have been there when she discovered them for herself. I was able to do so by active listening. This means every day I am consciously on the lookout for those things that bring joy to the heart and a smile to the face of the woman I love. This took some effort and reminding myself in the beginning, but now it is second nature to me. The rewards of this have been worth their weight in gold. At any time I have a growing list of things I can do, say or make happen that will not only make her happier, but strengthen and deepen her love for me. I confess, I should probably be doing this more often, but as our love continues to grow so does the opportunities to make it grow.
Don’t worry if you have been guilty of falling into these ruts. We all do so to some degree. The secret is being able to recognize that and to pull ourselves out of them. Another way to look at this – the longer you have been in this rut and the deeper you are, the greater the opportunity for improvement! When you begin to look for and do the little extras, your life, your job and your relationships, both intimate and others, will transform before your eyes! I would love to hear what other areas of your life you feel this could come in handy.
In the business world, there is often talk of ROI, or return on investment. Meaning, what are you going to receive for the effort, time or money that you are investing in a certain project or person. In many ways, we could benefit greatly by viewing our lives more like a business. ROI can come in handy in lots of areas. Take working out for example. What is the return on investment for spending an hour or so at the gym? Sure, there are sore muscles and the overwhelming need to take a shower. If we consider the long-term ROI, there is a reduction in heart health issues. There is more time, and healthier time to spend with those we love. There is also the fact that bending over to pick something up will not cause us to throw out our back. How about being able to make it up a flight of stairs without a sherpa or oxygen mask?
Another area of life that pays great dividends is being kind. Going the extra mile for others. This is not to say our main motivation for helping others should be to see what we can get out of it. Again, I will quote Earl Nightingale who said we should treat each other as the most important people on the planet for 2 very good reasons. First, because to that person, they are the most important person and second, because that is how we should treat each other. The second reason is what I feel should be our main motivation. When you think of the people in your own life, which ones do you enjoy spending the most time around? The ones who will go the extra mile for you or the ones who are self-centered? Going the extra mile can mean a lot of things. The picture above is a card I received from a coworker after I helped her out. It was a simple thing that took me about 10 minutes to do, but it made a big difference to her. How do you think I felt when she gave me the card? I felt good and appreciated and made my day a little better. That is a great ROI.
This second picture comes from a coffee shop by my work. I stop on the way home on occasion to get a nice refreshing beverage. This day I got a little sandwich too. As busy as they are, they took a second to scribble this little note on the bag. Why would the fellow who did this take the time to thank me and what exactly was he thanking me for? Every day that I come in, I make sure to be kind and cheerful. I appreciate the work that they do and the service they provide me. I do so with the knowledge that I am sure they have customers who do the exact opposite. It is for this reason that I am sure they were thanking me. Once again, when I was expecting just a coffee and a sandwich, how do you think this little note made me feel? If you guessed it lifted my spirits and put a smile on my face, you would be right!
Again, I must say that what you get should not be your main motivation behind doing things. Thinking of what the return on whatever action you are about to take will improve your life. What do you think sending a friend a message letting them know you are thinking about them and appreciate them might be? It would make your friend feel happy. It would probably have them appreciating you as a friend more. They may even return the favor at some point in the future. How about bringing home flowers for the one you love? This would certainly make them feel special. It would show them that you were thinking about them when they were not around and in the future when you do mess up it may end up even helping you. How about being kind in retail settings you find yourself in? Certainly would help the employees day. It may help take the sting out of an experience with a bad customer they might have had. It would also help get you better service next time you are there.
I encourage everyone to take a second and ask themselves, what it the return on the investment I am about to make? If it is eating a doughnut, you might have the ROI of feeling good in the moment, but then what? Would you feel guilty about eating something not so good for you? What would the return on investment be for your health? Same with doing random acts of kindness. You may never see a physical payback for the kind act, but the feeling of self-satisfaction and pride in being a good human is a great return on investment. I would love to hear more examples you can come up with.
Despite what you may have been told by a cheeto-colored politician, drinking poison is never a good idea. This may seem like an obvious conclusion, but every year the centers for disease control puts out numbers of many people who attempt such activities. For a while, there were even people who ate laundry detergent. You may be thinking to yourself, “Neil, I certainly know better than to drink anything labeled ‘poison’ or ‘for external use only’.” I would certainly hope if you are reading a blog about living an amazing life, you would be doing your best to avoid consuming poison.
Sadly, I am here to tell you that you very well might be consuming poison. In fact, we almost all do on an unconscious basis. I am not suggesting you go under the sink and drink from a bottle as you are sleeping. This poison is something different. It can, however, be just as deadly. This poison is one of an emotional, mental and spiritual nature. This poison can kill our spirit, kill our dreams and if left unchecked long enough, can end up killing us.
This was brought to my attention through a story related to me by a friend. This young lady is removing herself from a relationship that does not serve her and has become toxic. It is a very difficult decision to make. That takes a lot of courage and bravery. I hear a lot of people use phrases like, “We are just staying together for the children.” In my opinion, this is one of the biggest mistakes. Keeping children in a household with an unhealthy relationship can end up with two conclusions. The children can watch the pain, verbal and other abuse or even just the lack of intimacy and think to themselves, “This is what relationships are like? I don’t want one of those!” As bad as this may be, the other conclusion could be even worse. The children end up thinking this is how relationships work and carrying that forward into their own relationships as an adult. It can be tough to have children go through a divorce or separation, but it does show them that preserving your own mental well-being should be a priority.
Much like not drinking poison, leaving an abusive relationship can seem like a no-brainer from the outside, but in the middle of the emotional whirlwind can be far more difficult. How do you know when a relationship is beyond fixing? How do you make it safe and easy to leave? Then there is the subtle things about this poison. It can be a silent and tasteless poison. Carbon monoxide is an odorless gas, but it can still kill you. Arsenic is a tasteless, colorless and odorless poison. It can also mimic a host of other ailments, but in the end it will kill you. This is to say that it can be hard to see how much a situation is poisoning you. This is not only true of relationships. Do you go to a job that kills your soul every day? That is a poison you are slowly taking. Why do we do this? For a simple paycheck and a false sense of security. Friendships that do not serve you in anyway except to bring you down. This people are poisoning your spirit. That is not to say you should approach every friendship with a “What can you do for me?” attitude. If you find yourself feeling drained and depressed anytime you spend time with someone, that person is poisoning your spirit.
Another aspect that might sound crazy to you is that poison can end up tasting good. I know, I know, this sounds crazy but hear me out. Do you think that an addict knows the drugs and alcohol will end up killing them? Deep down, most of them do. Still, their poison feels comfortable, it is what they know. The same can be said for being in a toxic relationship. You know there are better people out there. There are people more aligned with your values and that would treasure you for the amazing person you are. So why not leave the relationship that is not serving you to find one you know is out there and will? I will tell you why, because it is scary as hell to do so! You may doubt yourself and the promise that there is someone who will love you for who you are. Although the situation may be toxic and sometimes can even be abusive, it is familiar. It can be hard to walk away from what we are used to. This is where some advice my friend from the beginning of this article was given comes in handy. When finding herself alone with her thoughts and missing companionship of having someone to share things with was filling her with the temptation to return to the relationship that was not serving her. Lucky for my friend, she has someone who cares deeply for her and reminded her of something I think we could all benefit from – Just because you are thirsty, don’t drink poison.
There are moments in life that can be tough. Relationships have their ups and downs. When they reach a point of becoming toxic or abusive, do not poison yourself. If that job is sucking the life out of your soul, walk away. They would have no problem replacing you, it is not worth the paycheck. That friend that always brings you down? Time to distance yourself my friend. There are many poisons in life that don’t come with warnings. Some, as we deciphered, can be odorless, colorless and tasteless. Some can even taste and feel good in the short term, but the end is still a disaster just the same. Think of your own life. Is there any poison you may be drinking? What negative effect can it be having? Are you drinking it just because you are thirsty?
We can get so busy in our everyday lives that we miss a lot of the amazing beauty that surrounds us. The above picture is one I took while I was waiting at a red light returning from work on my off day. I was lost in my thoughts of everything that I wanted to get done when I got home along with a host of other thoughts. There are some moments I am even surprised I noticed the light is red. I do not know what prompted me to look over to my left, but I saw this face staring at me. There is something about a look that a dog can give you that can cause you to question your own behavior. This is just another reason there are days when I like animals better than a lot of people. I respected this dog’s ability to take in the world around him. Sadly, there are times when I drive to work and when I arrive I wonder who drove. This is made even scarier by the fact that I am the only one in the car.
Here is another example. This photo was taken of a goose waiting to enter the post office where I work. Just the silly nature of the moment was something that very well could have passed me by. In fact, I am sure there are a million of these moments that do pass me by that I fail to notice. We live in a world filled with distraction. If you are stuck in line at the grocery store behind the lady that has not one, but two carts filled to the top (this actually happened this past weekend) instead of taking in the moment, we pull out our phones. When we are driving we have music or an audiobook playing and seldom notice the people, or dogs, around us. In the case of this photo, I was busy doing a little landscaping and may have not even noticed this goose. I just happened to look up at the right time.
One last example. My drive to work now happens somewhere between 5 and 6 am. There is not a lot of traffic and I usually have time to think. I am working on making my thoughts far more positive and productive. Still, there are days when they are filled with thoughts of not wanting to go to work. Most days it also includes how little sleep I received the night before. This is where I was on this particular morning. Lost in thoughts that were not serving me. Suddenly, I stop at a red light on a bridge overlooking a freeway and glance this sunrise. Instead of focusing on all of the things that were not exactly as I wished them to be, I realized how much better my day would start if I focused on all of the things I had to be grateful for. I had a job to go to. There is usually very little stressful traffic at this hour. There was a beautiful sunrise to be seen. I had vision to take in this sunrise. I was driving a car I owned to take me to work. I had a home to return to. The list could have been endless, yet I had already wasted 3/4 of the journey focusing on what I was lacking.
We all know better. We know the quality of our feelings and consequently our life, would be better if only we were to focus on that which we have to be grateful for. We would enjoy and savor life if we were better able to be present and see the beauty and humor like in the first two photos above. If we were to focus on what IS working in our lives and not what is lacking we would feel so much more fulfilled and blessed. If we were to be more present and make an effort to look for the beauty and humor in life, we would enjoy our life so much more. Why don’t we? We are too busy distracting ourselves. We need to take some time to sit with ourselves in silence. We need to block out some time and write down a list of things we are grateful for in our life. We need to read and add to that list daily. We need to say to ourselves, “I am going to look for what is beautiful today.” The distractions we fall victim too not only take us away from doing this, but they often fill our time with negativity. News you receive on your phone, posts you can see on social media and many other distractions can be a terrible disservice to our attempts at living a positive and rewarding life. There is a place and time for these items (although I debate how necessary the news is) let us not let them distract us from living our lives.
I ended last week with a post about the local coffee shop and how they helped my spirit through these challenging times. I would be remiss if I did not mention my personal angel, my own little miracle, my beautiful Margie. There have been so many little things she has done throughout my healing journey I am forever grateful for. It actually started even before my surgery when she gifted me a journal and helped me on my journey to create a book about this entire journey. It will be out by July I promise you. This will not only be a benefit to you, the reader, but it helped me capture my emotions and to deal with them in a far healthier way that had I not been writing. She also gave me a shirt that said, “Never thought I would be this good looking after open heart surgery, but here I am killing it”. That is my baby, always making me smile.
She also had some very unenviable tasks. Can you imagine what it is like to live with someone who is used to working at an active job and going to the gym 5 days a week and now has to just relax for 3 months? Can you imagine how much that person may try to sneak and do things that they probably should not? How about how much you would have to cheer this person up when they feel like their healing is not moving along fast enough for their impatient liking. Having to watch the person recovering go through many different episodes of pain and telling them to go back to the hospital when the pain became too much? Especially when you consider that was the last place they wanted to go back to?
During my surgery, I was wrapped up in how scary it was to be in that situation and not be able to have any visitors. It could not have been any easier to know the person you love is going through it and not being able to visit them. Margie handled it all with grace like only she can do. When I returned she made sure I had food to feed my stomach, and provided me love to feed my soul. When we both got the coronavirus shortly after I came home from the hospital, she managed to continue this amazing streak of behavior despite coughing and not feeling well herself.
Even today, four months after the surgery, she continues doing things that really help. She has started exploring healthier ways to cook so we can make sure my heart does last as long as it can. She has been working on rearranging the house to make it more relaxing and pleasing for both of us. She continues to make me laugh and show me affection. She has been doing all of this while she goes to school two days and week and spends a good deal of time on the other days creating unbelievable cake creations.
You may not believe a person like this really exists. What would you call someone who can pull all of this off? I call her many things. I call her Margie (Margaret when she lets me get away with it), my love, my little miracle. The greatest thing and the thing I am most grateful to call her is – mine. I am so thankful that I have a woman like this to share my life with.
SECRET 2 AN AMAZING LIFE 