Tag: Relationships

PERFECT WAY TO HAVE A GOOD MORNING

We all start our day in our own way. Some of us it is by drinking a cup of coffee. Some of us check our emails. Some motivated souls even start the day with a little physical fitness. How we start our day goes a long way in determining how our day will go. If, for example, our first thing we do is to pick up our phone and see what social media or the world at large is up to, we leave ourself open to negative influences. Unless that day the world and social media consists of entirely positive news. Perhaps you can see the likelihood of that happening.

What if there was a guaranteed way to start the day with a smile that would not only increase our chances of keeping that smile on our face the whole day long, but increase the bond in many of our relationships too? It is one simple action that can have a powerful influence on both. If you read the photo at the start of this post, you have an idea of what I am talking about. It is the simple act of starting our day expressing gratitude for the amazing people in our life. How do you think your day would start if you picked up the phone, called a friend and said, “I am just calling to tell you how awesome I think you are and how grateful I am to have you in my life. I hope you have a great day.” Do you think that would make it more likely you would have a great day not to mention the friend who received that phone call? Not to mention the strengthening of the bond between the both of you.

Maybe calling people is not your thing. Maybe you start work at 4am like I do. In which case, even a friendly phone call might not be appreciated. We are lucky that we live in a time where there are so many other options. We could send a quick text for them to read to start their day. Opening your phone to a text letting you know how grateful your friend is to have you in their life would be great way to start the day. If you start your day on social media, how much better would it be to pick a random person and leave a comment on their page letting them know how amazing they are and how grateful you are for them? It would be a great start to the day for both of them. How about doing this for a coworker when you get to work? The great thing about all of these examples is that they can become contagious. When you can start a group of people doing this, imagine the possibilities? All of you starting your day expressing gratitude for each other?

Even if you are a rather shy person, this can still work. Picking one of your friends and looking at a picture of them, or even just picturing them in your head. Then list off some of the things that make them the great person you are. Let them know how grateful you are for them. If you do it this way, you might miss the opportunity to brighten someone else’s day, but you still receive the benefits of gratitude. These include, but are not limited to, reduced stress, increased immune function and an overall sense of well-being.

Start your next morning with a dose of gratitude. It will brighten the days of those you care about and make sure you have a much happier day as well.

COME PLAY IN THE SANDBOX

We touched on this a few posts ago when looking at the ‘Golden Rule’ and how many belief systems include it. We do have a lot more in common that most of us would feel comfortable to admit. What about those pesky differences? The ones that keep wars occurring, people arguing and relationships ending? How can humanity survive all of that? By learning to play in the sandbox together. Again, this is a lesson we can learn from our children. On any given day, you can see a group of children who are all different playing together in the sandbox. They might be from different economic levels, different religions and different races. The only important thing to them is helping each other build a sand castle.

As an adult life cannot really be that simple though, can it? Yes, it can. These children do not mind that each other are different. As a matter of fact, they are focused on the moment and what they have in common – they are all playing in the sandbox. The sandbox can represent life itself. We are all playing in the same sandbox that is life. We might be trying to build different sand castles, but we are all doing the best we can. As I look around the coffee shop where I am writing, there are many people who are all different. Different ages, different genders and different social groups. We are all here drinking some sort of beverages and working on things in our life. It could be reading a book or finishing a term paper. The fact is that we all chose to come to the coffee shop to work on something. Even if that something is just connecting with and sharing conversation with a friend.

You can see how even in that example there are both differences we could focus on, or we could chose to focus on what we all have in common. The difference? Well that is also stated in small letters at the bottom of the picture above – “Be happy, enjoy life”. By choosing to focus on what we have in common instead of our differences we will do just that. We will be happier and enjoying life a lot more.

LIFE IN 1 SIMPLE RULE

We all too often make life much more complicated than we need to. I believe this is just human nature. “It cannot be that simple.” we catch ourselves thinking, or even saying out loud. It many cases, yes it can be. Take for example the rule above. We have probably heard it a million times growing up. It exists in almost every major belief system, as you can see below. How many of us really put it into action?

There is what I will call a rather ‘unenlightened’ gent at my day job. He is rather closed-minded. Not really well read or well traveled. This leads to some very interesting conclusions. On a side note, it provides further proof that reading, traveling and getting to know other people and cultures is so important. The other morning a group of coworkers were discussing a disagreement between to religious groups. His conclusion probably should have been kept to himself but he chose to share it with everyone. “Why don’t those people just understand their religion is wrong?” The group he was referring to was, of course, the one who had a different belief than he did. I asked him what if they were thinking the same thing about his religion. “That can’t be because mind is the right one.” He said this as if it was a widely accepted fact.

 

As you can see in the photo above, most belief systems share this same ‘Golden Rule’. I believe doing onto others as you would like done onto you can be applied to judging others and their beliefs. Believing that your way is the one and only way can be fine when applied to yourself. Having a strong conviction in your beliefs is a good an admirable thing. Believing that the world and all the people in it must conform to them is a different thing entirely. Once again, think if you were on the receiving end of that belief. How would you feel about someone telling you that your belief was wrong and you must convert to their belief system? Not very good I would imagine. That is why we should not do it to others. As long as it does not include harming others, we should all be entitled to believe and worship as we see fit. We can differ and still be respectful. As you see above, many of the important things we may word differently, but still agree on. Let us focus on that.

KEEP THE LITTLE THINGS CLOSE

This is my current setup as I am writing this post for you today. Coffee, a little snack, my trusty but slow computer. You may notice a little note on the keyboard. That is a little note that Margie gave me some time ago. It says “I Love you” with a smiling sun. I keep it in my computer at all times. At this stage in the game, it is several years old. Still, every time I open my keyboard it brings a smile to my face.

That is what I want to talk to you about today. Not that note specifically, but what it represents. To me, this note not only tells me that Margie was loving me at the moment she wrote it, but that she was thinking of me and took time to create a little something that made me smile. In addition, she knows how much I love the sun so she put that on there. It also reminds me when I write that I have a beautiful woman behind me who believes in me no matter what. That often gives me the push I need. All of that from a little piece of paper.

It also reminds me of times like this when Margie was there to write with me. This was even at a coffee shop that now is closed. Lately, we both have been so busy we have not seen a lot of each other. The time we have spent together we are both so tired we cannot fully appreciate each other. There is still that little piece of paper that keeps the smile on my face and has me looking forward to more times like the picture above.

Many times we may appreciate the little things in life in the moment. After a short time they are discarded or put away to rarely be thought of again. In doing so, we are missing a great opportunity to add some love, gratitude and appreciation to our lives. All of this does not have to cost a lot in time or effort. As you can see in my example, all it took was a quick note drawn on a piece of scrap paper. By placing this note in a place where I see it regularly, it is a reminder of those feelings and memories. How about in your life? Is there a small gift or item that can remind you of something, or someone special? Can you put it in a place where you will see it regularly? Maybe your purse, a jacket pocket or by the coffee maker? How could the reminders positively affect your life and your relationships? What is your item and what does it make you think of? I would love to know.

WHAT ARE YOU SHOWING THEM?

Although this is directed at men, it can hold true for both genders. Children are far more likely to learn from our example than the words that we tell them. We set an example as to how a relationship should be between two people. Even if your children are grown, watching their parents and how they treat each other is a great influence on their behavior with their partner. If you normalize things like demeaning sarcasm, violent outbursts, name calling or a host of any other emotionally unhealthy behavior, they may think that is just ‘part of the relationship’.

That is why it is so hard to hear people say “We are staying together for the children.” If you truly are, then give them a great example to emulate. If you cannot, the only thing staying together will teach them is that they should sacrifice their emotional well-being to remain in a marriage. If you feel you must stay together for your children, never stop working on your relationship. If you both feel it is genuinely beyond repair, it would be better for the children to show them how a healthy separation would look. That two people can discover they are not right for each other and still be respectful.

Remember, your children will grow to adults and what they saw growing up will go a long way in to deciding what is acceptable in a relationship. Disagree in private. Praise each other in public. Work on healthy communication skills. The healthier your relationship is, the more you are setting your children up for success in their relationships. They may not say anything and you may not think they are watching but they are. Would you want your children to emulate your relationship? If the answer is ‘no’, what are you going to do to improve it?

WHAT IS YOUR ROLE? ARE YOU SURE?

One of the troubling aspects coming to light lately is toxic masculinity. That is where men are convinced some hyper testosterone nonsense about what a man really is. Sadly, this often leads to over aggressive behavior, emotional suppression and the mistreatment and devaluing of women. I am a fan of old-fashioned gentlemanly behavior. I open the door for my lady. Not because I think she is not capable, but because it is a sign of respect for her. A real man does not need to devalue women, or even other man. In fact, being helpful and showing respect to others is exactly what makes a man.

Out of all of this college frat boy way of defining what a man really should be, a new problem has been created. We will refer to it as misguided femininity. This idea that men have no emotional or mental health needs. That they can just ‘suck it up’ or ‘rub a little dirt on it’ and everything will be ok. Sadly, men are not often taught the correct way to express their emotions. Their communication skills often lack refinement. That does not mean men do not also have emotional needs. Leaving them unfulfilled can lead to a feeling of resentment and a lack of connection. As mentioned earlier, men are not really good at communicating these emotional needs. Often, they have difficult articulating them even in their own heads.

One of the areas in which this manifests most often is intimacy. There are thousands of advice columns telling men to ‘keep dating their wives’. They will tell them how important it is to make their wives feel attractive and desired. I could not agree with this more. If you never stop falling in love with your partner, you will never lose them. We have this great piece of advice because women are kind enough, and emotionally mature enough to be able to express how important this is to them. We can trace this back generations to the fact that women were told it was ok to get in touch with their inner emotions. It was ok to express these and to ask for what you feel you need. Men were told that was unmanly and to keep it inside.

As humans, these are needs we share. Connection, value and significance. That last one is huge. Granted this looks different for both men and women. It can vary even between individuals. What is true is that we all need that for the relationship to be healthy. Ladies, if you want your relationship to the next level, watch what happens when you make your man feel chosen, attractive and wanted. Remember, this looks different for men than women. How do you think you can make your husband feel the things mentioned in the photo above? How important do you think it is?

This should go without saying, but this same holds true for your male friends as well. As men work to develop better emotional communication, and thankfully that seems to be trending correctly, make sure we are helping them to address their mental health and emotional needs.

A SNAKE CAN’T BITE IF…

Another piece of information that seems like a no-brainer. How easy does it get lost in the whirlwind of emotion? If there is a person that is always upsetting you and stressing you out, get far away from them. Some of you might be saying, “It is my boss, my mother or my friend. I can’t just walk away.” I am here to tell you that you can indeed walk away. If you are sacrificing your emotional well-being as to not offend them, you need to make yourself more of a priority.

We certainly cannot just up and quit our jobs or turn our back on family, can we? If it is causing you enough grief, then you must do what you need to do. At the very least, there are two action steps that will make this a lot easier on you and end up with a healthier state of mind. First, have the hard conversation. Tell them how you feel. This does not mean blaming or unloading on the person. That will only add to the stress. Explain your desire to maintain whatever level of relationship you desire, but that you have boundaries and what stresses you out. Be willing to listen to their side of the story. At the same time, have an action plan in case the conversation does not yield the desired results. Begin looking for that new job, or be emotionally preparing yourself to live life without that person.

On occasion, after your absence, the person may realize how important your mental health is and may have a greater desire to return to your life without stressing you out. Sometimes they will not. Sometimes they may even tell others what a terrible person you are for having boundaries and standing up for them. They, of course, will not word it that way. Usually in a way that paints you in a negative light. Be ready for that. It is often an unfair price to pay, but one well worth the stress you will be losing. Do not give people the opportunity to hurt or stress you out. A snake cannot bite you if you do not go near it. Keep that image in your mind as you go through this process. You may find it helpful. Also remember you deserve a peaceful life. Give it to yourself.

WISDOM FROM EDUARDO

For those of you who follow this blog, you might know Eduardo. He is a member of this community from Italy. His comments on what is written here I feel often surpass even what is written! Eduardo has a brilliant ability to say in only a few lines what can take paragraphs for others to explain. His insight, thoughtfulness and love of rock-n-roll make him one of my favorite people to hear from He just came out with his own book and I cannot wait to read it.

Let us get back to today’s comment we are looking at. I want to focus on the last part of that comment. “Too much planning amounts to treating the present moment as an obstacle to endure on the road to somewhere else.” What a powerful statement. How many of us fail to be present because we are too busy being depressed about the past or worried about the future? Our mind is always preparing for ‘what is next’ while life passes us by. When we are at work, we wish we were home. When we are home, we are concerned about what has to be done when we return to the office.

I do not know who said it, but someone once said, “Work when you work and play when you play.” How simple that sounds, but how easy it is to forget. In an age of constant distraction, remaining present is nothing less than a super power. I suggest practicing this. How? By spending just five focused minutes to start out. Sit with a picture of a loved one. This works best if you have a printed picture so you do not receive a million notifications while doing so. You can always turn on the ‘do not disturb’ button on your phone, or set it to airplane mood. Now that you have the picture, spend 5 minutes pondering how wonderful this person is and all the reasons you are grateful for them. You can recall memories, how much you love their smile or their sense of humor. Just stay present and focused on that person.

You can even set a timer to alert you when the time is up. It may seem like forever at first, but you will get used to it. Then slowly lengthen the time. 10 minutes or 30! It does not always have to be staring at a photo. It can be reading a book. Looking at the beauty of nature. You will find as your ability to stay present increases, so does your appreciation for the amazing life you have.

THE REAL POWER OF A MAN

This picture and quote is obviously meant for a romantic relationship. It also could work both ways, for a man or a woman. A true measure of success is the joy your life brings to those around you and the world at large. In my humble opinion, this also holds true of the planet as well. An animal you helped may not be able to smile, but knowing that you could positively affect the life of another living creature means that you are a success. Picking up litter and helping the planet, also a success.

In a world where we all too often measure success in material means, we may forget what true success looks like. It looks like the smile on the person next to you. What good would it do if your business is booming, you drive the latest car and live in the biggest house if your family is suffering? What good does it do you to be a public success and a private failure? That is why we see so many celebrities that we feel have it all going in and out of rehab or worse. They may have bought the big house, but they never took care of what was in that house.

The same can be said of judging success by looks. Yes, it is important to be healthy. What good would an amazing body and dazzling looks do if you have a heart full of anger and jealousy? Again, you took care of the body, but forgot about what is inside the body. By developing inner peace and compassion, you will treat others with the same. That will make people smile for sure. In a world that is filled with chaos and people looking for their 15 minutes of fame, true success would be putting smiles on the faces of others.

1 THING THAT DRIVES ME CRAZY

One of the things that drives me crazy is people who explain away bad habits, a negative attitude or abusive behavior with the phrase, “That is just the way I am.” In a world where you can change literally anything about yourself, it is no longer ‘just who you are’. No, the correct phrase would be, “That is who I am choosing to be.”. When you do your best to excuse away your character flaws it says two things. One, you do not have the self-awareness or self-discipline to work on improving yourself. Two, you choose to let your emotions control you instead of controlling them.

Saying “That’s just the way I am.” makes you look lazy and disrespectful. This is not saying that you need to change yourself to please someone else. No. Having quirks and creative differences make us the beautiful unique creatures we are. When you find yourself making that statement after describing a negative behavior, no that it is a choice. “He wants me to control my temper, but that is just the way I am.” Really translates to those of us hearing it to “I have an anger management problem that I am too self-centered to work on.” If you enjoy having a bad temper, that is on you. To pretend that is something that is ‘just you’ and that you cannot change is not true.

Conversely, when you hear someone say “I am working on that.” They not only sound instantly more respectful, but also more self-aware and self-disciplined. None of us are perfect. There are all things we need to work on. If you find yourself adding the phrase “That is just who I am.” after a negative behavior, you should realize that you are making an excuse. There are no areas in our life that we cannot work to improve. Be the type of person who says, “I am working on that.” Even more to the point, be the type of person who does. You will not only receive more respect from others, but you will come to respect yourself more.