Above is a rather sobering photo from our local museum, which is set to relocate later this year. If you look really close, you can also see my mother sticking her face into the group of other souls posing for the picture. One day both her and I will look like them.
Look closely at the photo. Study each of the skulls there. Now answer a few of these questions. Which one of those people were the richest? Which one was even the tallest or best looking? You might think these are stupid questions. How can you tell anything about a person after they pass away? We all look the same. That is the point I am making here. At a certain point, we all look the same. We all end up a pile of bones. In life, many of us spend an insane amount of time, energy and resources on looking the best, or standing out. In today’s world, everyone wants to be famous. That is all well and good, but ask yourself what you are looking to be remembered for. Is it looking like the next hot model or dashing gentleman? How long does that last? Maybe one of the skulls above belonged to a supermodel?
A better word to consider is legacy. If you want to be immortal think about what you will leave behind, not what you can take with you. Will you be remembered as someone who added something to the world when they were here? If you work it right, your legacy will outlive you. It is one of the main reasons I write this blog and my books and videos. I hope to reach, inspire and empower people long after I am gone. How about you? Again I am reminded of that quote from Denzel Washington, “I never saw a U-Haul behind a hearse.” You can’t take it with you no matter how hard you try. Therefore, your wealth for eternity will be more determined by what you give and not what you get. Consider this when you are looking to stand out from the crowd.
In preparation for my upcoming fourth book, I have been asking many people what they would recommend to others who have fallen out of love with their life. It happens. We are children full of excitement for the simplest of things, approaching each day full of passion. Next thing we know, we are on the ‘wake up, pay bills and repeat’ cycle. Daily life can feel like a job that we just have to make it through. That is no way to live! How do we fall back in love with life? It is doing many of the things we have forgotten or let slip through our fingers while we focused on our careers and making sure everyone else was taken care of.
For today’s post I want to reference an answer I received from congenial young man who works where I am writing this very post. His name is Anthony. I posed the question of what he would recommend if someone were to seek his counsel as to how they might get the passion for their life back. After a few days of contemplation, he came up with an answer that I think is nothing short of brilliant – travel! This is also a cure for a good many of our other ailments. Prejudice, racism, entitlement and disconnect can also be cured by getting out and discovering new cultures and new friends. Above is a picture of my lovely lady and I in Jamaica. We are with our friend that we made there, Stephanie. She was one of our tour guides and explained a lot of what the island was experiencing at the time. It is my hope to reconnect with her and see what has changed since they experienced that terrible hurricane.
Perhaps an escape to the islands is not in your budget right now? That is ok. There are ways that you can travel the globe without leaving your hometown. One of the best ways I have found is to explore authentic culinary experiences. Above are some examples of dishes Margie and I tried at an East Indian restaurant a little drive from where we live. It was about a half an hour drive, but it was so worth it. Not only was the food authentic, our server was a student here from India. He explained his hometown, made some recommendations and even told us about his schooling.
Of course it is not as good as actually traveling to a country, but it helps you get the flavor of things. The same can be said for ethnic fairs, markets, shops and any other thing you can think of. Finding a culture and exploring it more deeply can certainly bring the passion back into your life. We will expand on what else I have learned by doing this in just a second. Before that, I would like to share one more example of traveling without leaving your hometown. Part of my nationality is Armenian. I grew up not knowing much about the country, its people or their customs. Margie and I started going to an Armenian Festival a few years back. I was introduced to the pastor of the church who came from Armenia. We met for coffee and he explained many things to me I did not know. At the festival itself, there was Armenian music, food, ancient artifacts and other cultural items. Every year I learn more things and meet more people.
Here is what all of this traveling both abroad and in my own hometown has taught me. First, all people generally share the same challenges. There may be slight differences in how they are represented in their lives, but they are basically the same. Speaking of the same, most people around the world are loving wonderful people who have the same needs and desires. Everyone likes to feel significant, like they matter. It does not matter if you are in Jamaica or Greenland. There is also a longing for both connection and community. People like to feel connected and included. They like to feel they make a contribution to the world by being who they are. When you travel, you discover that everyone does. Knowing that we are all really one big family despite what certain politicians, news sources and others may try to convince you of, it helps you feel more connected and passionate about life. Thank you Anthony for this great answer! I urge all of you to travel today. Even if you have to do it in your own hometown.
You hear a lot of people say “Money cannot buy happiness.” While that is true to a point, there is something to be said for money as a tool to happiness. Hoarding money and the love of money for the sake of money can very well lead to unhappiness. Having financial security and even some to give and contribute to causes we believe in is a kind of happiness that can also give us some inner peace. So while money itself cannot buy you happiness, it can be used as a tool to add joy to your life and the lives of those you care about. You cannot go to a store, or any guru you may follow, with a large amount of money and say, “I would like to buy some happiness.” The way you choose to spend your money, however, can determine whether you are buying happiness or just things.
Take a look at what we spend money on. Will it bring us joy? For how long? A new car certainly can bring us a good amount of joy. It can make getting places a lot more stress free. It can have wonderful features for keeping us warm or cool, depending on our needs. If we feel the gratitude for that vehicle, it will bring us even more joy. Even a brand new car is a depreciating asset. Sooner or later, a new car becomes an old car. Then it may even take joy from us. The same can be said about most material things in life.
One of the more powerful things to spend money on that will lead to happiness is creating memories with those you love. Above is a collection of pictures that Margie and I took while on vacations. Although they are a good deal of money, of which I was grateful to afford, the memories bring us joy to this very day. It doesn’t have to be as grand as a tropical vacation. There are trips to the local State Fair with my mother that I recall. Once we just had iced coffee and sat in the sun enjoying a band. It was a great time and one that brings joy to this day. Whether it involves travel or just an experience, creating memories is a way that money can buy happiness. Yes, you can create memories without spending money, but today we are discussing ways in which you can use cash to create happiness.
Even more powerful at bringing joy into your life than a tropical vacation (wait did I just say that?) is the act of giving. I’m not advocating that you give away all of your money and live on the street, unless that is your jam, but hear me out. How can giving your hard earned money away make you happy? Seems a little counter intuitive. That is until you try it. From the simple giving a large tip to a server who deserves it or may be struggling, to the more elaborate sponsoring a wing at a children’s hospital, giving provides one of the largest sources of joy. When you give to a cause and see the good they do first hand, that brings you joy. As an author, I often like to give my books away to people who can use them. Yes, it costs money, but knowing I could have a positive impact in their life brings more joy than the profit I would make selling the book. Buying a friend a cup of coffee and letting them know you appreciate them will bring joy to your heart. One of my favorite examples is truly listening to someone and giving them a gift you know would make their heart soar. The money spent on the gift is nothing compared to the joy you receive by seeing their happiness.
Can you get happiness without money? Of course you can. Some of the best things money cannot buy. Still, money allows us to bring happiness into our lives if we use it as the tool it was meant to be. Ask yourself how can you use the money in your life, be it little or much, to bring a little more joy into your life and the lives of those you care about? I would love to hear some of your ideas!
We spent the last few posts discussing the power of gratitude. Today, we are going to discuss another emotion with a great impact in our life. That is the power of belief. What we believe will determine, to a great deal, what we will or will not do in life. If we believe that all charities are scams, we are unlikely to donate money to any cause. If we believe all people in life are out to get something, we may have a hard time accepting compliments as being genuine. You may have not stop to consider how your belief about other people’s motivations could impact your ability to accept compliments about yourself, but you can see how it would impact that.
This post is about another important belief, our belief in ourselves. Do you believe in yourself? Sure, it may have some to do with the situation. My belief in myself when it comes to speaking in front of others is a lot greater than dancing in front of others. For you it might be the exact opposite. What happens when that belief falters? There are two very important steps we can take to help us in just such a situation. This is not mere theory. Just today practicing the second of these steps allowed me to write when I didn’t think I had it in me. We will get to that after discussing the first step.
The first is to keep track of some of the great things we have done in our life. Especially if it involves overcoming any kind of challenge. David Goggins, one of my favorite speakers and authors, calls it the cookie jar. When you are young and you were upset, you could often reach in the cookie jar and pull out a cookie to make you feel better. Sadly, that may only work so well as an adult. The cookie jar we are talking about is the reminders of all that we have accomplished. Often when we think we would be unable to. David Goggins is also an ultra marathon runner. He was asked what he thinks about at mile 50 or mile 75 when his body just wants to give up. This was a question that interested me. Not only in terms of what the hell would you think about after running 75 miles? Also because it is a great metaphor for life. How often can work, family or relationship stress feel like running a 100 mile race? Sometimes running may even sound easier than what we are going through. Our belief in ourself may come into question. Perhaps the task is seemingly insurmountable or we have already made some terrible mistake? Then what? We need to go into that cookie jar in our brain and pull out one of those ‘cookies’ of our past accomplishments. When we overcame the odds or accomplished something great. We need to remind ourselves how awesome we are.
The second thing that is important to do is to surround ourselves with people who also believe in us. Sometimes we just can’t reach the cookie jar and we need someone else to reach inside and hand us a cookie. The more they know and care about us, the better they are able to do this. It is another great reason to put in the work to build and grow your relationships. It will come back to serve you as well. I promised you a personal example of this. The people in the two pictures above are myself and my lovely lady. I am the one with the facial hair in case you are still confused. We have been together going on 12 years. Just yesterday, I took her on a date. Why am I still dating my lady after 12 years? Here is why. Today I was having a bad case of writer’s block. I messaged her to tell her. Her response? “I believe in you. You are always so smart and patient.” Those few words gave me the belief in myself to write several blogs, including the very one you are reading. Having someone to believe in you when you are doubting yourself is not only a great gift, but why a relationship is a great responsibility. It is also why a beautiful sweet lady is one of the greatest gifts and one that I treasure.
Believing in ourselves allows to accomplish far more than if we doubt ourself. Taking these two steps can help us either develop or improve that belief. Keeping a ‘mental cookie jar’ of our accomplishments and fostering our relationships with those who do believe in us will help keep us going. As I was writing this, a new self-improvement tool popped into my head. It will be in the upcoming book, but you will hear it hear first. It may not be a bad idea to keep an actual cookie jar and write down your accomplishments to put in there. When we need that emotional ‘cookie’, it can be hard to come up with. Especially if we are in a negative emotional state. Having written examples of them will take the thinking part out of the equation and still help our belief in ourself. This certainly isn’t necessary, but does make the process a lot easier and more effective. Whatever you decide to do, make sure you add these two steps to your life to improve the belief you have in yourself. Use that belief to accomplish the greatness that is inside of you.
Around here many of us will be celebrating the holiday of Valentine’s Day. A day to show love and appreciation to that special someone in your life. Now there are some who take a more cynical view of this holiday and say that it is a “Hallmark Holiday” that corporations use to get you to spend money on their products. That can certainly be said of any major holiday. Just like life, I believe that a day can be what you make of it. Others say, “Why do I need a day to celebrate the person I love? Shouldn’t I be doing that every day?” The answer is of course you should. Life gets busy and sometimes love and romance can be pushed to the back burner. Having a day dedicated to love is a good reminder and just a great opportunity to spoil one another.
The 2 photos we shared make several good points. First, many are alone today and could be longing for someone to love. Make sure that you share kindness for everyone today. This day can also be a great reminder to spread love into the world. The second photo is one that I really enjoy. I am so grateful for the relationship that I share with my lovely lady. We are constantly growing and learning more about each other daily. The one tricky bit about this can be that when it comes to special days, we already are loving each other to the best of our ability. Just like many point out that you should. On a day that is set aside for love, how can you still make it special? In a world – connection.
Margie and I work hard on our relationship and always make time for date nights and appreciation. Still, just like many other well-intentioned couples, life can get the best of us. You work so hard and long that you collapse when you get home and barely see the person you share the house with. Before you know it, a week has gone by and you have only said a handful of words to each other. That is another reason that having a day dedicated to love is helpful. It is a reminder to take a step back and focus on each other and not the world around you. How do you do that? By increasing connection.
The question then becomes, “How can you grow connection?” This seems more difficult that longer you are together. This is part of the fun and work that goes into making a relationship not only last, but thrive. While I cannot speak specifically to your relationship, there are so many fun and creative ways to increase connection. It might be worth spending a few moments with your thoughts, and maybe Google, to come up with a few. I would love to hear what you did in the comments below. I just might use it in my own relationship in the future!
Today is a day to celebrate love. Do not fall victim to the cynics or to the corporate pressure. Give the gift of love to all you encounter. We never know what anyone is going through. A little extra love and kindness is always appreciated. If you have a special someone in your life, focus on gifts that matter. Gifts like growth and connection. How can you give those?
Today we play the Super Bowl here in the United States. It is one of the most watched sporting events. Ironically, or tragically, instead of bringing people together, it has seem to create a lot of division. Not only about this team or that, but even now about who plays the musical entertainment during halftime. Rather silly if you ask me. There is something a great deal of these people are missing and you might be too. That is your super power.
In these times of crazy politics, division and in many places all out war, people have grown weary. It can be a chore every time you come across the news. I find myself missing the days of my youth. Then we were all full of energy and a good amount of blissful ignorance. There is a great difference between being informed and inundated. It can be hard to escape the world when it comes to us in so many different forms. There is of course social media which can be found on our laptops, cell phones and many other places. There are friends, family and coworkers. We hear things on the radio at work and the television in the waiting room at the mechanic. It can leave you exhausted.
There are two scary facts about this situation. First fact is that the news and world events are not going anywhere. It matters little what party is in power or what time of the year it is. Media will continue to put the big scary stuff in front of us because it sells. The media is not about making sure our emotional well-being is taken care of. There are not even really about bringing us information. Much like any other business, the media is about making money. The way you do that is to get people addicted to viewing their platform. The way to do that much of the time is through fear.
The second, and perhaps scarier fact, is that all of this fear and exhaustion takes a toll on us. This may not be a shock to many of us, but it is worth spending a second to think about. The toll is physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. It can lead to much more than living in a state of exhaustion. It lowers our ability to fight disease. It will increase the chance of conflict between ourselves and others. After all, who hasn’t reacted poorly just because you were exhausted? It reduces the amount of joy we can experience even in the good times. I don’t know about your life, but in my life there are far too many amazing people to enjoy fully that I do not want to show up already out of gas. It is like working yourself to death for a vacation and when you get there you are so tired you sleep through it.
Many of us feel like we are sleep walking our way through life. The cure is to use our superpower! What is that superpower? Self-care. That might sound soft of cliche to some of you, but reserve your judgement. Let us use our vacation example. Would you rather show up to vacation drained with no energy or would you like to show up ready to experience and fully enjoy all the vacation has to offer? Why should your answer be any different for life? Life becomes more of a job and less of a vacation when we are constantly making our way through it running on empty. That is why self-care is so important. Taking time for it should be a requirement, not a luxury.
Many of us are afraid to turn down a social obligation or use a mental health day at work because we think it will make us look weak. Making yourself a priority allows you to show up bringing your best self. That is a gift you can give your boss and more importantly, your friends and family. Self-care is different for everyone. Someone may need peace and solitude. Some may need to meet a friend for coffee. I personally enjoy a chair on the beach next to my lovely lady. Whatever your definition of self-care is, make sure you not only make it a priority, you schedule it. When people know you have an ongoing date with your self-care, they are more likely to respect it. Take care of yourself and you will be far better prepared to take care of others and the world around you.
We touched on this a few posts ago with a few specific examples. In more general terms, we should just treat each other with far more kindness and compassion. We never know the complete story behind anyone. We certainly would not want anyone to know our complete story either. Keeping that in mind, why would we leap to conclusions about another?
It can be easy to be convinced by media, or even by social media what is the truth about a group of people. Do your best to be reserved in your judgement. I cannot think of any group, be they social, political or anything else, where everyone is the same. I am not sure what I find more appalling, the fact that the powers that be think we would believe everyone in a group is exactly the same, be that good or bad, or the fact that many of us do believe such a thing.
Next time you see or hear someone telling you a story about an entire group of people, ask yourself a simple question. If you could gather any group of people would they be exactly the same? Would they all have the same history and the same story? Of course they would not. Understand that people have all sorts of experiences that we may never know. Be patient, be kind.
One of my best skills, and the one I am asked about most often, is the ability to develop rapport with others. For years I recommended reading How to Win Friends and Influence People. That is my favorite book and I have read no less than 10 times. It has some great clues, but did not give the full picture.
Dale Carnegie was not the relationship master I had solely drawn from. The other was notorious for not having good relationships. Clues were exactly what lead to this revelation while I was in the shower moments ago. It seems that is where all of our good thinking happens.
One of my favorite movies of my youth was Young Sherlock Holmes. It gives the childhood back story of one of the world’s greatest detectives. That, my friends, is exactly what creating rapport and fostering great relationships takes! You must become a great detective.
In Sherlock Holmes stories and movies, he always tells you the observations and assertions he uses to solve a case. People are one big detective case in themselves. The more we observe to learn, the better our chances of a great interaction with them will be.
This can be noticing small details such as what their clothes can tell you. Are they using their right or left hand predominantly? What turn of phrase do they seem to use often? They may not give us all of the answers, but can give us clues to explore.
We could spend hours breaking this down, but instead I encourage you to try it out today. Give yourself two distinct challenges. First, pick a person you do not know that well. It could be a person you run into in a service capacity, a coworker or anyone else. Make as many observations on them as you can. Take mental notes and see what they can tell you by putting them all together. Tougher still, try doing this with someone you already know. See what things you can learn that you don’t already know. The better you know them, the tougher the case, but the bigger the rewards!
Treating relationships as cases to be solved may sound rather crude, but it can lead to an astounding deepening of connection. It may also surprise you with how many things you miss. Clues that can make cheering them up, buying the perfect gift and growing closer to them easier than you could ever imagine.
Here is a post that should not have to be written, but must be read. There are so many out there jumping to conclusions and often doing so without compassion or understanding. Think of the picture above. We may see a man who appears to be emotional, sad or moved to tears. Many would think he was ‘not manly’ or worse make fun of him. They would not ask why he is in such an emotional state or even ponder to consider what may make him so vulnerable in public.
Parents, you may think it is no big deal that your child is a bully. Not only can that lead to some deplorable adults, but think of the photo above. The child being attacked and bullied at school could be the very one being abused at home. When will this become too much for the child to take? None of us know. What would be tragic is if actions taken by another child would push them over the edge and lead to that child taking their own lives. Not only would that result in the loss of one life, but the guilt the other child would be forced to live with would be a second tragedy. Teach your children to live and treat others with kindness and compassion.
Here is another one that can break your heart. Many of the elderly are ignored or looked down upon for one reason or another. They should be treasured. It is them who have paved the way for all of us. Think of the example sighted above. People may look at an old man who has scars on him, or other physical, or even mental, ailments. How many of us stop and think that he could have received them fighting for our country? He could have been burned trying to save a family from a fire. We never know the story behind the people we see. None of us would like to be judged without understanding or compassion. We should afford the same rights to others.
Going forward, let us all make a conscious effort to understand others. Let us treat them with the love and compassion we so strongly crave in our own lives. We impact the lives of all of those we come in contact with to one degree or another. Let us do our best to make sure it is in a positive way.
This is more for my friends in the Northern hemisphere. For someone who is a fan of warm weather and sunshine, but lives in a state with 9 months of winter, this is a glimmer of hope. Although this graphic is about the weather, in many ways in mimics life in general. We have dark periods in our life. Much like the weather, we have little or no control over outside circumstances. What we can do is find ways to change our mindset and find ways in which to find as much light in the darkness as we can. Sometimes that consists in just knowing that the darkness does not last forever.
Another way in which this is like life is that the seasons are cyclical. Every year there is a dark period followed by a period of rebirth and growth. Life is much the same. We have periods of darkness. There are times when nothing seems to be going right. People pass away, jobs are lost and health is compromised. After which, we find a period of light. We find a job that we enjoy more, or perhaps pays better. We gain our health and maybe make some new friends. Knowing that there are cycles to this crazy adventure we call life can help us better appreciate and make it through some of the darker times.
As of right now, those of us in the north have made it through some of the darkest days. There will be some challenges ahead to be sure. The days will continue to grow longer and eventually the temperatures will rise as well. Knowing this helps us make it through the snow and frigid weather. Just like knowing there will be a brighter time in our life can help us make it through the darker times. We have done it before and we will do it again!
SECRET 2 AN AMAZING LIFE 