We all have a good deal of healing to do in our lives. It can be from a break-up, a job loss, a physical ailment, abuse from our childhood, or even the loss of a loved one. No matter what healing we are in the process of going through, it can seem overwhelming. I recall coming back from my open-heart surgery. There were days when it seemed I would never be back to normal. Even 4 months later, I had my first day back to work. I had been feeling like I was normal. Five minutes into my day I was gasping for air and my body felt like I had just run a marathon. I felt so defeated , like I was back to square one.
Emotional healing can be even more complicated. It can seem you take one step forward and two steps back at times. You think you may have got past that break-up and then you hear a song on the radio that puts you into tears. Perhaps you think you have managed to find a way to move forward in life after the loss of a loved one, only to wake up in a sea of sadness. This is often how healing works. It is messy, difficult and at times overwhelming.
What will help us to traverse our healing journey and not become overwhelmed? Many lean on their faith. That is a great idea as it can bring peace in the most trying of times. Some lean on friends and family. That can be helpful as it gives the other party a feeling of value in your life. Just make sure to consider their well-being as well. One way that we can do daily is to celebrate the smallest parts of our healing journey. This can be making it 5 minutes before breaking down when the day before we only made it 3. The more we note the small progress we made healing, the less overwhelming it will seem.
One additional thing to keep in mind is that healing is not always a linear journey. There will be ups and downs. Somedays we must celebrate just making it through the day. Other times it is making it through the hour. Healing is just that way. The last thing we need when we are trying to heal is to put any pressure on ourselves. Give yourself the gift of grace as you work your way to healing.
It seems there is so much talk in the ‘hustle culture’ of giving 120% every day. While I am a proponent of hard work, which you could see from a few posts ago, there needs to be balance. I can see some of you ready to disagree.
Here is why I think the ‘grind until you drop’ mentality is flawed. When we push ourselves to failure, there are lots of possibilities mistakes to occur. The closer you get to burn out, the more likely this becomes. When you show up on the verge of collapse, you are more likely to say or treat someone harshly. This can cause damage that takes time, or may never, be healed.
Another reason is becoming disenfranchised. You will lose the drive and desire to achieve you goal. You will start to view it as something that drains you instead of drives you. This will slow or kill your progress all together.
Lastly, is the amount of healing time. If you pause before you burn out it will take a lot less time to heal than if you push to collapse. It may be easier to understand this concept if we think physically. If you catch and treat an injury early, the damage can be less and the healing can be done quicker. The same is true mentally and emotionally.
This is not permission for you to be lazy. There is a big difference between healthy self-care and sloth. I’m just saying catch your mental health early, make it a priority and act accordingly.
It can be hard to go through the challenges in life. Right now where I live, there are people who have lost everything in the floods we have had recently. It can seem like there is no rain why we must go through what challenges us. Even in the worst of situations, there is a point.
I have never quite heard it this way, but I like the analogy. Our scars, be there physical or emotional, can be a guiding light to others. As we use them in this way, it also helps us heal. In my book, Living the Dream, I chronicle the stories of people who were the victims of different forms of abuse. They use their experience to help others with their healing journey.
No matter what challenge you are going through, or what scars life has left you with, you can use that to help others either avoid the same pain, or share how to make it through.
There are several examples of this that we can look at. In 2024 we may have been hurt. We might have been knocked down. None of this could have been our fault. What we must focus on in the new year is what is our responsibility. That is our healing. There is a Latin phrase Amor Fati. It means the love of one’s fate. What we should strive for in the new year is accept what our situation is and learn how to make the best of it. We might not be where we want to be, but we must be honest about where we are. Not quite a best-selling author just yet? Good. You have a chance to learn more about the wonderful worldof book marketing. Perhaps your blog that is followed in over 200 countries is still not in Greenland? Great! There is still room to expand and goals to reach. These examples are purely hypothetical of course.
The point of all of this is to say that we must not curse our fate, but learn how we can improve it. Change our focus from our hurt to our healing. That is how we will make the best of the coming year. 365 days from now we can look back and be grateful for the healing we have experienced. We may still have hurt, we may still have struggle. By changing our focus from hurt to healing, we will be well on the path to inner peace and a more fulfilling life in 2025.
This has been something I have been sharing for even longer than the two decades I have been working in the self-improvement industry. What you go through will often be painful. You may doubt that you will ever make it through. When you do, it may very well become your greatest tool, and your greatest gift to others. Sharing your story, including mistakes you made and hurt you felt, can be what saves the life of another. So many of us can feel alone when we are going through our struggles. Hearing a story of someone else who has went through the same struggle can help give us hope and the will to power through. At the very least, it will help us understand that we are not alone.
It would be foolish to think that going through a painful experience would be anything less than devastating. We will hurt, we will suffer. We may even doubt that we will make it through. If we can somehow keep in the back of our minds that we will one day use it to help someone who feels just like we do now, that may give us the strength we need to make it through.
For those of you who have already made it through your pain, or maybe are currently working through it, please share your story. It doesn’t matter if you are still struggling. It is actually is better if you are. It will help you better relate to and reach other souls who are in pain. In doing so, you may find the healing that otherwise seemed out of reach. No matter what your struggle is, no matter where you are in your healing, someone out there needs to hear your story.
Last post we talked about what to do when you lose faith in humanity. Sadly, this can happen all to easy. In this country there is an election right around the corner and both major political parties are doing their best to convince us how terrible the other person is and how terrible the country and the world would be if the opposition wins. It wouldn’t be so bad if you could avoid these ads, but they are literally everywhere! On television, online, in your mail box, text, calling, radio, in your mailbox. I swear they would put it on toilet paper if they could. Come to think of it, that is probably where most of it belongs.
The point of all this is that there is a lot of negativity about in the world. Even doing our best to avoid it, we still can become overwhelmed at times. Then what? Last post we looked at some great solutions and I invite you to read them. One important thing we could all use is our space. What I mean is a place that you can escape to that brings you a great deal of inner peace. Above is a picture I took on the way to mine. Nature can bring so much peace and makes a great escape. It can be any place that is special to you. It can be a church, a coffee shop, a park or anything at all. Visit it as often as you need. I had been neglecting that, but went to my spot today. I just sat among the trees and birds and listened to the wind. In no time I felt more at peace than I had in a long time.
Here is a picture from inside my little spot. It helps to be able to meditate in your own way. The benefits of meditation are too many to list here. It does help reduce stress and help you feel grounded. Two very important things when you are feeling overwhelmed. This doesn’t have to be anything complex. Just being fully present and away from distractions will do. You can listen to nature like I did. You can pray. You can pay attention to your breathing. Whatever works for you.
If you do not have a place already, pick one out today. Try a few out. You can never have too many. The best time to find one is before you need it. Then, when the world knocks you over, you can retreat and heal your spirit. It is not only helpful, it is vital.
Here is a story that was relayed to me that I would love to pass on to all of you. It is a prime example where you can go from being a victim, to being a miracle worker. I warn you that doing this is not easy or for the faint of heart. What I can promise you is that it will bring you boundless joy and help transform the world. Does that sound like I might be reaching for hyperbole? Hear my story and decide for yourself.
My friend was working at a dry cleaners. I am sure on an average day most transactions transpired like the picture above. Both parties smiling and things going smoothly. Maybe a lot of them are people complaining about the price of dry cleaning? I really don’t know as I have worked with the public, but never in a dry cleaning concern. What is certain is that if you work with the public for long enough, you are going to have a tough day. It is just such a day that our story takes place on.
An older customer came in looking to get a suit cleaned. “This is a very important suit. I need it cleaned very carefully and back in a timely fashion.” the woman stated. My friend informed her of the charges and the lady paid. My friend prepared the suit to be sent off to be cleaned. He marked it urgent and placed it ahead of the other garments that were to be sent out for the day. The next day he was expecting to see the suit come back. It did not. As expected the lady came it to retrieve her garment. My friend had to apologize and inform the older lady that it had not returned yet. “It is important I get that suit back on time young man.” she asserted once more. My friend promised her he would look into it.
The following day came, but the suit did not. The lady appeared before my friend and inquired about picking up the suit she had paid to get cleaned. When informed that is was not present, she became incensed. My friend told her he would call the location that cleaned the item himself and he could call her with an answer. “I’ll wait.” she informed him, becoming angrier by the minute. My friend picked up the phone and inquired about the nice suit he had sent to get cleaned. “Umm…that one, yeah we lost it.” the voice on the other end of the receiver told him. He glanced up at the elderly woman who was becoming impatient for an answer. “Can you find it?” he implored. “We will look and call you back.” He hung up. “Well, what did they say?” she pressed. He swallowed hard before giving his answer.
When informed the garment had been lost, he had expected her to be upset. What he did not expect was the rage and expletives that followed. She repeated how important this suit was and how she needed it back right away. Just then the phone rang and it was the warehouse. “Yeah, that suit is gone.” He was told unofficially that sometimes nicer items, such as this suit, had a way of disappearing. Could he really tell this lady who was already so upset that someone might have taken it? The man on the other end of the receiver suggested that my friend offer a coupon for the next time she wanted something cleaned. How that would work if you lost the first item is beyond me, but that answer is easy to give when you are not face to face with the customer.
Seeing how upset the woman was, my friend decided to take a different approach. He recalled a saying he once heard, “Hurt people hurt people.” He went over to the woman and said, “Ma’am, I understand you are upset about your suit being lost, and I don’t blame you. However, is everything alright?” Now, after being cussed out and screamed at, would you consider that customer’s feelings? Most of us would have to honestly answer ‘no’. My friend did and this is where the miracle occurred.
After my friend’s question, the woman broke down in tears. Between her sobbing, she explained the suit had belonged to her only son who had just passed away. His funeral was that weekend and she wanted him buried in his finest suit. Soon, my friend’s eyes were also filled with tears. He asked the lady if he could give her a hug. Suddenly, all of the vicious things, and expletive rants made sense. It wasn’t anger over a lost suit. No, it was the pain over the loss of an only son. After she had left, my friend called the owners of the dry cleaner and explained the situation. The contacted the woman. Although they were never able to find the suit, they gave her money to buy the best suit in town for her son as he was laid to rest.
The point of this story is that my friend took the time and effort to discover what the woman was hurting from. Instead of compounding the woman’s grief, he may have very well showed her, through his compassion, that others really do care. Suffering the loss of her only son was a grief he could not take away, but seeing a young man care so much for a stranger that was cursing him out, may have given her a little feeling of hope.
If we understand that it really is hurt people that hurt people, we can go from victim to being someone’s angel in time of need. Is that easy? No. Not taking someone’s insults personally and still showing enough compassion to inquire about their pain can change the world. Not only for them, but for the world at large. How about you? Are you able to brush off a personal attack and consider that person may just be expressing they are hurting? It doesn’t have to be a stranger. Think of how many times this happens in families, at the workplace or even between loving spouses. Understanding their anger may be coming from a place of pain will allow us to heal in a way we could not if we just feel like a victim.
A few posts back, we discussed the importance of self-care. If you missed it, I highly suggest giving it a quick read. One of the two reasons we gave for healing yourself was the ability to pass the knowledge of what worked onto others. This is priceless information. Often, when we are going through pain, we can compound the emotional struggle by feeling alone. It can seem as if nobody in recorded history has had the problem we are facing. We may know that is not true intellectually, but it can still feel that way from an emotional standpoint.
Imagine, if you will, how healing it would be to hear from someone who has faced similar challenges to what we are now facing? If they could share with us how they overcame it? How valuable would both of those things be? Speaking for myself, they could make all of the difference in whether or not I make it through a situation. I often wonder why more people do not realize the power of sharing not only their successes, but their struggles. On social media, it would seem everyone wants to appear perfect. Being imperfect is where it is at, if you ask me. It makes you more relatable. Who can relate to someone who has a perfect life? Certainly not me.
The most interesting thing happens when I tell people that they are a healer or a hero. Whether it is out of modesty or maybe even ignorance, they just blush and say, “Not me. I am nothing special.” That could not be further from the truth. Every struggle you have made it through and lived to fight another day is a victory. “It was messy and a screwed a lot of things up.” they say. Great! You don’t think someone hearing that despite doing seemingly everything wrong, you still overcame and later thrived could be valuable? “What if what worked for me doesn’t work for them?” they ask. That’s fine. Knowing something can work in that situation can give them courage to try their own solution.
Please understand that having a life that is not perfect does not make you less than. What it does make you is a healer and someone who could help and inspire others. As long as you had to suffer the pain, put it to good use helping others. You never know when your struggle could save someone else.
It is shocking that even in this day and age, self-care is considered selfish by many. This could not be further from the truth. There are many reasons why this is so, but we are going to look at two that I think we should consider. The first should be rather obvious. When you work on healing yourself, be that from a personal trauma, or just from the stress of daily life, you allow your best self to shine through. Why is this so important? You then become the best version of yourself. This is one of the greatest gifts you can give to others. Showing up to meet your friend for coffee when you are lacking sleep, barely able to concentrate on what they are saying and falling asleep when they are talking is not that great of a gift. Sure, it is great that you are spending time with them, but it is not quality time. Now, saying, “I am sorry I need to get some rest. How about meeting next week?” may seem selfish. If you show up next week and are able to not only to stay awake for their story about sick aunt Agnes, but offer valuable insight on their story as well, that is a far greater gift.
Bringing your best self to any situation is a great gift. It means you are being the best parent, the best friend and the best lover. Taking the time to heal and make sure you are able to share your gifts with those around you is not selfish at all. In fact, by taking the time to bring your best self, you are giving them a gift. You are giving them the best of you that you can.
The second reason that self-care is not selfish may be even more important. The knowledge you gain and are able to share. When you discover ways to heal yourself, you can pass those ways on to others. Maybe you are really busy and live a stressful life. You find ways to balance that stress and not get overwhelmed. How do you do that? Do you think there are other people who would like to know how to do that as well? I bet there are. Have you found a way to heal your soul after losing someone very close to you? Taking that time, and engaging in those practices, will allow you to help someone else heal too. That is one of the best things we can put out into the universe, to help others heal. If you rush through life, do not take time to heal yourself, it will not only cost you, but it will cost others. You will show up as only a shell of yourself. You will not learn any healing methods that work for you and may help others. To me, this is far more selfish than taking time for yourself.
Take time for that meditation or yoga retreat. If you need to say “No”, than do it. Taking care of yourself is not selfish. It is actually one of the greatest gifts you can give to those around you and the world itself. Taking care of ourselves will allow us to share the best of who we are and every healing modality we learn. Self-care is not only care for ourselves, but it is one of the best things we can do to care for others.
This blog post was influenced by a story I heard relayed by Wayne Dyer. I like Wayne. He was a great guy. This story really helps clarify a point a lot of us have a hard time visualizing. Come along for this little story, won’t you? It begins with a lady who loses her keys in her apartment. As she begins to look for them, the power goes out. It is completely dark. She looks out her window and notices that a street light is on. She thinks to herself, “Why am I looking in here in the dark? I am going to go outside where the street light is on.” So, she proceeds to begin to look in the street for her keys. Soon, the neighbor sees her looking and comes over. “What are you looking for?” He asks. She explains she is looking for her keys. He offers to help and they continue to look for roughly half an hour. Trying to get a better idea where to look, the neighbor inquires where she might have dropped them. “In my apartment.” she replies calmly. He asks her why on earth she would be out here looking for them if she knew they were in her apartment. She explains the power outage and how it is too dark and difficult to look inside, so she came out there where the street light was on.
This story may sound crazy, and it is. Why would someone look outside for something they know is inside? Yet, is that not what we do when we are trying to fix a problem in our life? We know the work needs to be done on the inside, but it is often to dark and difficult in there. We then switch to the outside world where things are far easier to tackle. Just like the lost keys example, we can search all we want for a solution, but unless we look inside, we will never find what is missing. Much like the approach Western medicine takes, if you will allow me to mix my metaphors, we are merely treating the symptoms and not the cause. There is no way that we will ever have a cure.
SECRET 2 AN AMAZING LIFE 