Tag: Happiness

YOU DO HAVE CONTROL

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“I would be angry a lot less if my wife/husband would be more understanding and not make me so angry” “I would love to be more positive, but everything keeps going wrong for me”

Have you ever heard others around you saying phrases like this? Have you ever found yourself uttering the same type of phrases? Today’s post is about one of the hardest lessons I have ever had to learn. I once heard at a seminar that nobody can make you feel anything, that all emotion comes from within. My first instinct, as is so often the case was to challenge that notion. After all, how can the girl who just broke my heart not make me sad? How can the person who just said something hurtful and insulting to me not affect me?

Did you ever notice that some people can be put through the same event, but come out feeling two completely different ways? Have you ever told a friend “I don’t know how you stand that, I would have been so mad” or something more colorful? How can people be affected so differently by the same things? The answer is simple, and a bit hard to believe, but once you understand it will give you a personal freedom you may not have ever had. How we feel about any given situation is based on the meaning we attach to that situation. Does the person who is insulting us really suffer from some internal pain we do not know of? Are they really jealous of us and therefore put us down to make themselves feel better? I know it can really be hard to not be affected negatively by outside situations. Believe me between adults that act more like teenagers and last minute adjustments to my seminars, I have had lots of practice deciding what challenges mean to me. So how do you start to change your course from ‘reaction’ to ‘action’? The quick easy answer is change your question. What do I mean by this? When you are faced by a seemingly negative situation there are 3 questions you should train your brain to ask. Perhaps writing them down on a small piece of paper may help as you are beginning. They are as follows. 1) What else could this mean? as we mentioned earlier in the case of the person insulting you, maybe they were hurting or maybe even jealous of you. Perhaps they have really low self-esteem or maybe it might be an issue people insult them with as well. 2) What can I learn from this? Sticking with our previous example, perhaps the person is simply pointing out an aspect of your life you need to work on, and just doing so in a very unhealthy way. Sometimes all you learn is that person acts like an ass. Why is this important to learn? When they do so in the future you will know that is just who they are and take it with a grain of salt. 3) How can I use this? Out of all of the questions I find this one to be the most powerful. It puts negativity in your life to work. You could use the persons insult to remind you to treat others with more compassion. You could let it serve as a practice for these principles. In my own life recently when my seminar was forced to relocate a mere 15 minutes before it was set to begin, I used that as an example of how to remain positive in the face of negativity. Which just so happened to be what the seminar was about in the first place.

Trust me this is not always easy. It is something that you can work on over a lifetime. Controlling your emotions instead of letting them control you sounds so simple, but takes a lifetime to master. Just last night I dropped the ball on this one. So what to do when you do mess up? My suggestion is the same as above. If you have already reacted and let others actions get the best of you, do yourself a favor and ask the three questions anyway. Why? It will both give you some insightful answers and a way to put this to work for you as well as begin to show you the power of acting from your own place instead of reacting to their emotions. It will also show you how in control and wonderful you can feel in the face of situations and emotions that used to challenge you. If you continue to react time and time again, just remember a certain blog writer/self-improvement author is still working on this himself.

HOW ARE THEY SO LOVING?

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Do you see the smiles in this picture? This is my beautiful love and I. This is pretty much how we are most of the time. Sure we both have our days. Neither one of us is perfect, but our love is close enough to perfect for me. I would love to tell you those smiles come free, but they don’t. Some rare days they don’t even come easy, although as time goes on I find myself grinning from ear to ear from the time I wake up until the time I fall asleep. The truth is both of these smiles are earned. Behind the scenes there is hard work put in by both parties. What do I mean hard work? Let me first add a caveat to that, it is also extremely fun work. Having a successful relationship involves a great deal of things and could easily fill and book and one may very well be on the way co-authored by this lovely lady. Yet one of the most important things is commitment. Not only to each other, but to your relationship. What do I mean by that? Look into ways of keeping your love fresh. Look for ways to stay in that “honeymoon period” I can safely say my love and I not only still are, but it seems to be growing everyday. Find new ways to make your love feel special and appreciated. Every person is different and different things have different meanings to people. Do not assume your lover views things the exact same way you do. Which brings us to our next point, get to know your love. Sit them down and ask the big questions, what are their dreams? What are they afraid of? How do they experience love? In our case my lady loves soft touches and physical connection the most, where I am more of a verbal person. Learning this one small thing about each other has made it possible for us to help each other feel so much more loved. Again, I could fill a book with all we have learned and how it has helped, but I can tell you everything I have learned has been useful and brought us closer together.

Another important factor couples can forget after a while, have fun together. Do things you both enjoy. Act silly. Create as many happy memories as you can. These are building blocks and can help you both make it through the tougher times. Take time to celebrate your love. My lovely Margie and I have made it a happen to never share a drink together whether it is water, coffee or wine without toasting to some aspect of our love. To learn more about this please read my post “I propose a toast” (August 24/2015). Reason for doing this? Realize all you both have come through to reach the point where you are at, and realize no matter where you are the is still more joy and love to be had.

Another suggestion, when you see a couple enjoying their love, celebrate for them as well. We have a few couples that make us happy to see their love and noticing it only serves to make us happier and more loving. Never be jealous of another relationship. Frist of all you never know what you are not seeing and second if what you are seeing seems better than what you have, use that to motivate yourself to improve your own lot. Don’t be afraid to ask a successful loving couple what they do to achieve great love. If they are anything like Margie and I, they will be more than happy to tell you.

THE MOST POWERFUL SECRET

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People always are asking me, “what can I do to become happy right now? What is the single quickest way to turn my life around completely?” I must confess I cringe at this question. Let’s be real the passion and joy did not get sucked out of your life overnight and it probably will not come back overnight. Still, I understand we live in a nanosecond world where everything is expected yesterday. So I am going to share a simple thing you can do that will turn your life around like magic. Yes, I said like magic. If you do what I am going to suggest In a mere few days your life will not be close to the same. Before I share this, however, I have a word of caution. Do not overlook what I am about to tell you. It is so simple you may be tempted to not see the immense transformative power in what I am about to tell you. Do us both a favor and prove me wrong. How? Try the secret power I am about to let you in on for a month. You can even take off on the weekends. Just put this into practice Monday through Friday for a month. If it doesn’t change your life for the better in major ways feel free to let me know.

So what is this crazy magic spell you can put on yourself? What magical items will you need? Ok all you will need is a pen and a piece of paper. Not to magical right? Wrong. These items will change your life if used properly. So what to do with them? Simple, every day write between 5 and 10 things you are grateful for that day. Sounds easy right? To be honest it really is. So many things happen each day that we can tend to overlook given our focus on things that may not have gone the way we planned. Doing this simple list will do two very important things for you. First, it will help you to focus and remember things that have gone well in your day and serve to balance out the scale a bit. Second, and here is where the magic begins, it will begin to have your mind on the lookout for things to be grateful for that you can write down.

Ok, one more magical step. As you are laying down to sleep look over your list of things you were grateful for that day and pick the best one. whether it be the one you are most grateful for, the one you liked the best. It doesn’t really matter, just pick the one you like the best. Then recall that event, say the words “Thank you” to yourself, or even out loud is better and feel the gratitude for that event. repeat this at least Monday through Friday. You can do all seven days of the week if you would like, but if you would like the weekends off go right ahead. Here is a secret, the more items you write and the more days you do it the more powerful the change in life will be. Do this for a month and I promise you a new life, and a new person will greet you in the mirror.

THE MOST IMPORTANT LOSS PREVENTION

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One of the most frequent questions I am asked about positivity is this; “isn’t there more important things than being happy?” or “what is so important about being happy?” Often people see focusing on themselves as being selfish. After all what good can I do by being happy? What difference does it make if I am happy around others or not? Here is a very emotional answer to that question.

Less than a year ago a high school classmate and friend of mine, David, killed himself. This morning his mother invited my lady and I to an suicide awareness walk. What I learned there will forever change me. I want to share a good deal of that with you here today and it is my sincerest wish that you share it with everyone you know. In fact, I challenge you to do so. The main point they kept repeating was removing the stigma of suicide. Which had me asking myself my own thoughts on suicide and what I knew. Here is some of what I learned.

Myth: suicide has warning signs. Usually the people are depressed or talk about it. I would know if anyone I knew was thinking about it.

fact: The people who led today’s walk were parents of a 13 year old girl who was a straight A student. She killed herself about 2 years ago. She was always happy, a musician, into sports and had a lot of friends. The fact is you never know what people are dealing with on the inside. You never know when your joking sarcastic comment could really hurt. You also never know how important a kind word and a smile might be.

myth: Suicide is an extreme and rare situation I will never have to deal with it.

fact: according to the American federation of suicide prevention(afsp) One person commits suicide every 13 minutes. that is over 110 people a day. When this walk began there was 100 people there. Today there was over 1000. There were people who lost children, parents, siblings, friends and classmates. suicide touches a lot more people than a lot of us realize.

myth: people who commit suicide are “crazy” or “weak” or just plain “selfish”

fact: Of the 110 people we lose to suicide a day 22 of them are veterans. These are brave men and women who sacrifice the safety of their own lives to defend ours. They leave the love of their family knowing full well they may never return. When they do they are never the same. They see things most of us will never know. When they return they need our love and support more than ever. They also need our understanding.

Those of you who know me well know the question that is foremost in my mind. What can we do to help this growing problem. an easy step is to go to American federation of suicide prevention and become a field advocate. Let your voice be heard. One of the greatest issues facing those who need help is the ideas we have about people who have mental issues such as depression, and social anxiety. The truth is one in four of us has some form of mental illness. Remember to treat others with compassion and understanding. Signs of their struggle may not always be visible on the outside. Understand the truth about suicide and inform others. You would be amazed what I learned merely attending this walk. Please click on the link above to learn more. Also know the suicide prevention hotline which is 1-800-273-8255. Never be afraid to ask someone if they need help. It is not offensive, it is a sign you care.

Finally, work on yourself. Try to limit the stress and negativity in your own life. Find ways to grow your bliss and joy. Bring that joy to others. Limit your use of sarcasm and ‘joking insults’ you never know what someone may be dealing with. Also do your best not to judge others. My lady was saying how quick some of us are to assume the person who is out of shape is lazy, when it could be a genetic issue or perhaps stress from losing a loved one. The person dressed poorly could be going through a hard economic time and not have many options in what to where. Share a smile and a kind word wherever and whenever you can. It is free and can change a life or even save a life. Share this website http://www.secret2anamazinglife.com with anyone you can. I will promise you to do my part with bringing as much joy and positivity as you can. Let us all be a light to those in darkness.

TAKE TWO AND CALL ME IN THE MORNING

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The world is full of multiple sources of  negativity. It is important to fill yours with as many sources of positivity as you can. A few days back I mentioned my friend Travis and his new site bringitivity.net a great option to add. Here is the thing. He is my friend, I am his. He has a site about positivity and motivation and so do I. He is trying to reach people and change their lives for the better, and so am I. Here is where a lot of people may see a source for conflict or at the very least competition. Not so. In life we have two ways to achieve success; either by putting each other down, or lifting each other up. Men, I have noticed, seem to have a hard time with this. In my years behind the bar I have seen countless groups of men start to even put down their own friends to try and impress a woman. Which leads me to wonder if the woman is thinking “If he does this to his own friends just to impress me, what will happen once we start dating?”. They would be much better served saying nice things about their friends. It would not only make them look more confident, but also like they surround themselves with good people.

Back to our exact story at hand. Travis and I were discussing blog ideas yesterday. Someone jokingly mentioned that we are fighting to get the good ideas. That is not at all how we work. In fact, the very title of this blog was created in that discussion and he told me “You can have that one” Here is the funny thing, after thinking about it for a few seconds I replied “We can have that one”. He smiled because he knew what I meant. What he has to say will be based on his thoughts and his experiences which will surely be different than mine. Therefore you will get an entirely different post. By subscribing and reading both sites you will not only double your dose of positivity you will also get two entirely different angles on the same idea, either of which may resonate with you better.

So do yourself a favor. subscribe to both this site and his. When dealing with all of the negative influences in the world the best prescription is to “Take two and call me in the morning” Just not to early, I sleep late.

KELLY MEET KELLY

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Time to showcase two more of my amazing friends. Here are two of my good friends. Not only are they both wonderful ladies, they both happened to be named Kelly. They are two people who have brought joy and a fresh perspective into my life. They have some significant differences, but share some great qualities as well.

Kelly B, who is on the left I have known many years. We went to school together. Only in the past few years, however, have I really had the honor of getting to know her well. We both were bartenders at the time and she was throwing a themed party where she worked. Our mutual friend invited me and we began to chat. Through both stopping to see her at her places of work and the wonders of Facebook I discovered she was a stylist. It just so happened at the time I was in need of a haircut and went to her. Over the next few haircuts we learned a lot about each other and she gave me some advice I had shared earlier in this blog. (see Kelly’s words of wisdom May 9th, 2013) Since then she has discovered the love of her life and is the process of celebrating that. Another thing we have in common.

Kelly S, who happens to be the Kelly on the right I have only known about a year. In a short period of time she has brought a lot of laughs into the lives of both myself and my lovely lady Margie. Kelly stopped in at the bar I work on Monday night where I bartend and Margie is the DJ. Not only has she made everyone of our other customers feel at home, she always has a joke and a way to make people laugh. Kelly and I also share books and she has introduced me to several new authors as well as given me feedback on my own book. A final great quality Kelly brings to the table is this, she is always celebrating and cheering on the love I share with the lady in my life. Something that makes us both smile.

Here what I learned from these two ladies. Kelly B has taught me no matter how long you know someone their true treasure and value can only be enjoyed when you take the time to get to know them. Plus, you may have a great friend in your life for years before discovering how wonderful they are. Kelly S has reminded me how important it is to laugh. Showed me ways to make people feel welcome and part of the group. Also gives me someone to celebrate my amazing relationship with.

I am truly blessed to know both of these ladies. If you have a chance to have a friend named Kelly I would suggest you take it.

LISTENING CAN BE YOUR SECRET WEAPON

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Recently my amazing lady outdid herself by throwing me what you can see was one fun surprise birthday party. That by itself is sweet and impressive. In addition to writing this blog to express my sincere gratitude for her doing so, there is another reason. I am sure many of you have had parties thrown for you in your life and if not I sure hope you do. It is a great way to show those in your life that you care. Here is what I feel makes the lady in my life even more impressive. This party was thrown for me at my favorite place, the Wisconsin state fair. It actually happened while the fair was going on. She managed to speak to the owner of my favorite stand there which has a tropical theme with sand and a reggae band and rum. She even managed to get a hold of a lot of my close friends and family as you can see. She managed to go there and decorate without me knowing. This is hard to do because I am there every day. She did all of this without me knowing. Which, both of us working in the bar business is extremely hard to do.

Other than informing you what an amazing lady I have, what does any of this have to do with you? What is the lesson we can take away from all of this and apply to our lives? That is a great question. Here is what really impressed me about my lady and this party. She listened. She knew I loved the fair, which is not a great secret, but she also learned where my favorite place was at the fair. She listened to people I spoke about that I considered friends and made sure they received an invite. She put all of what she learned into action by reserving the both and decorating and even making very delicious cupcakes. All of these things made this a lifetime memory.

So here is my suggestion. If you want to have an amazing life, and if you want to blow your spouse, friends, boss or anyone else in your life away; listen. Not just before the event, but all of the time. That is what my wonderful woman did. She listens whenever I talk. Anyone who knows me can understand that is a lot of listening. By doing so she was able to discern a lot of information and used that to make me feel very special. So listen to everyone you come in contact with. You never know what you can learn and how you can use it to help them or make them feel good.

Once more, thank you Margie my love for an amazing party and a memory that will last a lifetime.

LEAVE THE GOOD FOR THE GREAT

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Here is a sign that appeared for my last day bartending. A lot of people asked the reason I left bartending at The Hideout. That was a very good question. I loved most of my customers. The owner and I had a great working relationship. It was a lot of fun. I made decent money. So why leave? Sounds like a great gig. Well, I asked myself “Neil, where do you want to be in 5 years?” the answer was not behind a bar. My desire is to be touching people and changing and making a positive difference in their lives on a grand scale. Bartending has been great for me. I have met a lot of wonderful people and received some amazing advice.

One day I realized in order to fulfill my life’s goals of being a full-time author and motivational speaker I would need to dedicate more time to my craft. I also wanted to grow my following for this site. I would need more time to create content as well as promote. I looked at my life. I work 30+ hours a week at the post office which I wanted to keep for benefits. I DJ 8+ hours a week, which is great time I get to enjoy the love of my life as we run the show together. I also bartend 16+ hours a week. Although I love bartending my nights had become filled with a lot of stress as well. Sure the money was great, but there was the drama of people not getting along, friends always asking for or even expecting things for free which got old really quick. Not to mention although we worked in the same place, time away from the love of my life. Some days the only things we seemed to say to each other were “good morning” and “goodnight”. therefore I made the decision to focus on my future. Sure my present did take a hit. I gave up a lot of my income and something I was really good at. I still hear “we miss you behind the bar” which does make me feel good. Now, I may not be able to afford the nice things I was buying. I must keep a closer eye on my finances, but my life is filled with passion and excitement for the future. My website is not only up to date, but growing in following. Still feel free to share this site with all of your friends though.

What is the point of this post? Simply this, bartending was something I was good at, it was fun and I made good money doing it. What it was not was my passion and my future. As of right now my next book is still being written and money is not rolling in. What is rolling in is a feeling of getting closer to my goals and making money doing what I love. In fact, I have set a goal of retiring from the post office in two years or less. I know the more I write, the better I will become. I try to learn everyday about marketing myself and growing my brand. It is exciting, but scary at the same time. Most importantly, it is my dream. I was a good bartender, but I aim to be a great author and bring joy and positivity to people across the globe. Feel free to help by sharing this website as well as my book A Happy Life for Busy People with anyone you think could benefit from a little more joy in their lives.

Here is the takeaway. Do not be afraid to give up the good to go for the great. If you have a dream, chase it. Better yet catch it! Do what you love. Take risks, have fun and keep your face to the sunshine!

PICK YOUR SPOT…OR SPOTS

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As i have mentioned throughout the last couple days, i have spent a great deal of time at our state fair. This picture was taken at a bird show. Notice the wing on the right side of the picture. What is the point of all this? The State Fair is a place I go because it makes me happy. I suggest you start to find a place that just makes you feel good. I suggest making it somewhere you can get to in less than a day. I personally like a few different places for a few different reasons. As mentioned I go to the fair for a boost of positivity. Even when the fair itself is not going on you can find me roaming the grounds reflecting and soaking up the vibes of the place. I also suggest having a place you can be alone. Personally there is a small clearing in a park not far from my house that I go to. When I am there especially when the bugs are not to bad, I can meditate or just be alone with my thoughts. There is a specific coffee shop I go to write as well.

Why have all of these different spots? What is the purpose? Before I answer that let me state you do need to be flexible. I write at home and other locations as well. You can often find me meditating while I am stuck in line somewhere or having to wait. It is putting that time to good use. Still I use the above places for most of the reasons I described. Here is the benefit. When you are in the same surroundings doing the same activities it can make it easier for your brain to get into the state it needs. As I write this I am in the usual coffee shop. My brain just goes into creative writing mood. I know another author who uses the same pen for notes on an entire book. Somehow his mind connects with the pen.

Try it out today. What places make you happy? Is it window shopping at the mall? A hiking trail outside your house? Whatever place that is make it your own. There are no steadfast rules either. If you feel more comfortable meditating in a room filled with people than do that. I have a friend who is cheered up walking through the cemetery by his house. If it feels right for you and doesn’t break any laws, then by all means do that. Find your sacred space today. Feel free to share your ideas as well.

RENEW YOUR MARRIAGE LICENSE

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While at the fair I happened to catch a stand-up comedian’s act. To be honest he wasn’t very funny, but one thing he said got me thinking. After spending far to long on a joke that came at the expense of his wife he quipped “Have you ever noticed that your marriage license is the only one that doesn’t expire? Like every four years the court doesn’t ask you if you still want to be married to this woman?”. If she had heard his jokes I can only imagine her verdict would be. At first I just thought it was as goofy as the rest of his humor. People get married because it is a sign that they intend to stay by each other’s side for the rest of their lives. Still the more I thought about it, the more good I saw in such an idea. I think a lot of relationships tend to get ‘comfortable’ once the marriage certificate is signed. I’m not sure if the thinking is “This person agreed to be stuck with me so I don’t have to try anymore” or is it more of the thought that the prize has been one, the peak of the mountain has been reached. Fill in whatever analogy you care to use. I am all for marriage. I love to see love celebrated and I am a fan of committing to one person to honor and respect for the rest of your life. Still, would 50% of marriages end in divorce if you knew you had to keep trying? Would things be so comfortable if you knew in four, six or however many years you were going to be asked if you still wanted to remain married? How would you act different if you knew your partner were to be asked the same thing? Would you work harder to keep your partner happy and loving if you knew they were going to be asked if they still wanted to stay with you or walk away? I am sure we have all known couples who stay together simply because of the cost and legal issues with divorce. Even this keeps them from trying to improve their situation because they feel comfortable their partner will not leave them. This is also why I am a fan of renewing vows. Telling your partner that you would marry them all over again can be even more romantic than the first time. So ask yourself, or if your brave enough ask your partner, “Would you renew our marriage license?”. Even if you are not married, do you think if your partner knew all they would have to go through and the current state of your relationship would they choose to get together with you in the first place? If not, you should probably consider what had you fall in love in the first place and how to get back there. Even if you think they would, ask yourself what can you do to keep things loving and passionate? You might want to start by renewing your vows, or telling them you would want to get together with them all over again if given the chance. Do yourself and your partner a favor and renew your marriage license today.