Tag: Christianity

THE RELATIONSHIP PILL…

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Ok, before we think this will end up with a commercial with two people in a bathtub this is not that kind of relationship pill. Remember when you first began the relationship with the person you are with? Nothing they much did upset you and even if it did you just let it roll off your back or could communicate that in a loving fashion to them? They always seemed to take your breath away with their appearance and charm? Sooner or later life happens. Both you are your partner don’t necessarily lose the affection for each other so much as things become familiar and somewhat taken for granted. Pretty soon that adorable sound your spouse used to make when they sleep becomes something louder than a semi that is preventing you from getting the sleep you need. The way they used to wake up looking so cute with their hair going every which way now has you wondering if you are sleeping next to Don King. So how can we get back to how things used to be? Is there some pill we can take to suddenly take us back to how it felt when we were first in love? The answer is yes and no. Much to the dismay of my pharmaceutical friends there is no pill we can spend our hard-earned money on that will magically transform our relationship for the better. The good news? There is a simple word we can adopt into our daily lives that will have almost magical effect on the lives we share together. How I came by this magical secret is rather simple. I began to talk to couples who have been together for years by still look at each other with that gleam in their eyes. If you have ever had the divine experience of staring across the kitchen table and a plate of corn beef hash and see your lover looking back at you with a sparkle in their eye you will know the magic I am speaking of.

Ok..ok so what is this simple and relationship-altering habit we can use to take us back to loving like we did on the first few dates and how can we use it in our lives now? Great question. The ‘relationship pill’ I am speaking of is gratitude. Now before you quickly dismiss this notion let me promise you that a few quick habits of gratitude can transform your life and your relationship so quickly and so powerfully it will seem like magic. So how can we start getting back to falling in love again? Which, by the way is another secret I have learned. The secret to staying in love is falling in love all over again every single day sometimes several times a day. So how can you do that? Especially if it is 3am and your partner is snoring like a freight train? Let’s face it you’re not going to be sleeping anyway so you might as well put the time to good use. Here is the first tool I have discovered. Try this and watch the magic begin to happen. Get a piece of paper and a pen. doesn’t sound to magical and kind of old school? Stick with me. Start to think of all of the things you are grateful for in your partner. Try to keep them positive. ‘They don’t snore all the time’ is not quite what we are looking for. Does your partner have an amazing smile? Write it down. Do they always remember to kiss you goodnight? Write it down. Do they have an amazing voice? Write it down. Having this list does two very important things. First, it reminds us of things we may have forgotten we love about our partners. Second, to keep this list going, and I suggest you add to it as often as you can, keeps our minds focused on noticing things we are grateful for in the person we have decided to share our life with. It is my suggestion you take a look at your list once a day at a minimum for the first week. Seven days all you have to do is write down and keep track of things you enjoy about your partner, and read through them once a day. Takes all of two minutes at most. Picturing their beautiful smile or hearing their sexy voice in your head as you read through this list will make the results even more powerful. Try this for a week and you will begin to see dramatic changes. Stick with it for 21 days and it will become a habit and your life will change.

So care to take it to an even higher level? This next idea I cannot claim to be mine alone. It was conceived with a very special friend of mine. We were noticing that quite often in our own relationship as well as others in our life the negative experiences tend to stick in our brains far longer and far stronger than all the positive times. That happens to be the way the human brain works. Pain can be a very powerful emotion and cause us to forget all the pleasure someone may have brought us. So this person and I decided to try something together which is something I recommend you try with your partner or even by yourself. Buy a little notebook or journal. Begin by recording some of the best moments you and your partner have ever shared together. If there was a negative aspect that may have been involved, leave it out. What we are concerned with is celebrating all the fun times. Have you and your partner went out for pizza and ended up laughing at something only the two of you will ever understand? Write out that story. Have you ever shared an ice cream cone sitting by a waterfall? Write all about it. As you do you will be reliving it. Each one of us has favorite events that has happened in our relationships and sometimes we tend to let the negative ones overshadow them. This provides a good written record you can go back and think about when times are not so rosy or when you just need a reminder of how fun love can be. How has it worked in my own particular case? I find myself often saying “remember when we…” and we usually end up smiling or laughing. Trust me, adopt one or both of these and watch the magic happen. You will fall in love all over again.

WHAT ARE YOU INTERESTED IN?

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One of the greatest things we can do for our partners is show them that we are interested in them. How do we do that? It is actually easier than you think. Quite often I hear people say things like “They should know I am interested in them. They are the first people I tell about my day” or “I share all my problems and dreams with them”. While these are both great and very important things I would recommend doing in any relationship as it displays mutual respect and trust, it does not show that you are interested in them. So far I have told you what not to do, how about we move onto what we should do? In the above examples the people were still being ‘all about themselves’. One of the easiest ways to show your partner that you love and care about them and that you value them is to take an interest in what they are interested in. Now I can hear some imaginary moans and groans out there, but let me explain. Perhaps your wife is into crafting and you haven’t worked a pair of scissors since the 3rd grade. Maybe your husband likes to work on cars and you do not know the difference between a fuel pump and a spark plug, what to do then? The easiest ways is to ask questions. If your wife has created something fabulous a simple statement such as “That looks really beautiful. How did you manage to put that altogether?” will go a long way. This is not to say you have to stop watching football and start making flower arrangements, but knowing a little bit about your spouses hobbies and passions will not only help you appreciate the efforts they put into them, but also help you be able to carry on a conversation about what they are passionate about. Once you start speaking about one passion it can often lead to discussions about others.

So what if you have no interest at all in what your partner is doing? That is perfectly acceptable. Notice in the above example there was no mention about starting to craft together but you may find you do enjoy your partners hobby. This is not at all a requirement.  In fact, having separate passions and activities you can engage in outside of relationship often keeps things fresh and offers a great chance to enjoy each other from a distance which is needed in even the best relationships. Still a healthy appreciation for your love’s talents will not only make them feel good, but bring you closer. Let’s face it when you can have a great conversation about a topic you enjoy you certainly enjoy being around the person a lot more. This is especially good for hobbies that take partners away from each other. “My husband is always gone fishing with his buddy” is something I hear from my female friends. When I ask them what he likes about fishing they often reply with a blank stare or a simple “I don’t know” When I push further and ask “Have you ever discussed fishing with him?” I often hear how much they dislike they whole event and it usually stems from the fact that it is the very event that takes their spouse away from them. If only they would discover what aspect about fishing their husbands like. Perhaps it is the time in nature? Perhaps it is being on the water? They could arrange a few more activities that are not necessarily involving a rod and real, but could be fun for both parties. Asking a few basic questions about fishing could often bring even the most reserved angler to great oratory. Another great thing about inquiring about things our partners enjoy is that it is often returned to us in kind. Now imagine to people discussing the very topics that bring them joy with each other. That is a recipe for an amazing love life!

ARE WE ALL LEMMINGS?

Working for the United States Postal Service always presents interesting challenges. One of them is that I am not always surrounded by the most positive and inspiring people. While these people prove to be an interesting challenge to maintaining a positive attitude, they also provide some of the best ideas. Here is a prime example. Just the other day one of my coworkers asked one of these less inspiring folks the simple question “How are you doing?” He replied with the answer “Just like a lemming getting closer to jumping off the cliff to his death” The scary part is this man was very serious. I was saddened by the fact many people view their lives in just such a manner. The interesting thing to note is this man is in good health, has a fairly safe job that pays him a decent wage, a car to drive to and from work and place to stay. Still, instead of feeling grateful for all of these things he literally felt his life was on its way to falling off a cliff. The other gentleman knowing that I am an advocate of developing a positive attitude felt the need to include me in the discussion. “What do you think of that Neil?” he asked. I turned to the gentleman who seemed to have a rather dark view and asked if he was a happy lemming or a sad lemming? He looked confused for a second and replied “What difference does it make?” I said well if one lemming was happy and another lemming was always unhappy and they both jumped off a cliff what would happen to them when they hit the bottom? A smile crossed his face and he said triumphantly “They would both die! It doesn’t matter if they were happy or not!” “You are right” I told him. Which both shocked him and seemed to increase his sense of satisfaction. As he stated to walk away I had one quick question for him. “It is true both lemmings will die, but which one do you think will have more fun on the way down?” I will have to say his response was probable not fit to print here, but did involve waving at me with just one finger.

So what is the whole point of this story? In a nutshell here it is. The bad news, we are all going to die. Some of us quicker than others. We never know. Things in life will go wrong. We will lose those we care about. We will encounter an endless amount of challenges as we go through life. Not very inspiring is it? Well, I did say that was the bad news. Here is the good news your attitude is up to your choosing. To a rather large extent it can have an influence on how long and healthy your life is, but more important than the years in your life is the life in your years. If we all have a set time on this planet is it not our duty to drain every last drop of joy and passion out of it? It is true we are all lemmings getting closer to the edge of that cliff, but why not be the one who enjoys the feel of the wind rushing by on the way down instead of dreading the end. Enjoy every last second of life all the way up to the end. We are all going to meet the same end. How much we enjoy the journey there is what is up to us! Find reasons to be grateful, find the beauty and joy in life. Be the happy lemming.

RELATIVITY

“When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute – and it’s longer than any hour. That’s relativity.”

-Albert Einstien

Often complicated terms are quite often best explained using real world examples. Setting aside my experiences of sitting with pretty girls, this example seems to demonstrate another important aspect for our lives. That is the relativity of any situation. What do I mean? The answer to that can be found by answering another question I am frequently asked, “Neil how do you remain positive even when going through a very negative situation?” Well I simply see how things are relative. Let us just pretend you are not thrilled with your job. You can visit your local unemployment office and see the desperation in the eyes of people looking for any kind of work. This principle was brought to my attention in a big way a few weeks ago. I was taking a friend to the hospital as they did not have transportation. I was a bit ill myself, nothing major perhaps a cold or the flu. It was early in the morning and following dropping this friend at their next destination I had to then go into work. As I sit in the waiting room thinking about how much I would rather be in bed sleeping and using that time to feel better, wishing I could return to my warm and waiting bed instead of going to work for ‘the man’. I must confess I even started to question my decision to help my friend when I was sick myself. As I sat there in a world of frustration, pity and sinus pressure a message was sent to me that couldn’t have been any louder. I believe I had closed my eyes to try and get some brief moments of rest in the oh so comfortable waiting room chairs when the silence was broke by a young child’s voice yelling “Daddy! Daddy!” With a slight feeling of being disturbed out of the few seconds of sleep I was hoping to find I opened my eyes. What did I see? A young boy about the age of six who was going through some serious treatment as he looked quite thin and was missing all of his hair. It was more what he wasn’t missing that delivered the message to me. This brave young man was wearing one of the biggest smiles I have ever seen. With all of his enthusiasm he asked “Daddy do you think the cancer will go away so I can go back to school with the rest of my friends?” The look in his father’s eyes showed that he did not share the young child’s positive outlook. Suddenly I felt rather guilty. Here I was filled with self-pity for my head cold and having the honor of helping a friend who could really use it. I was healthy enough to work unlike this child who would have given anything just to return to his ‘job’. Intellectually I know the saying “Somebody always has it worse than you” but here is a young child with a serious illness who is enthusiastic and focused on becoming healthy again. I had a simple cold or flu and I am feeling like the world is out to get me. Normally guilt is not an emotion I recommend people even experience because they tend to let it weigh them down like an anchor. Even guilt can serve a great purpose when used properly. I let my guilt and shame (another emotion you should normally avoid) to drive into my often thick head that even our troubles are relative and though they may seem like a burden to us they would be a blessing to others. If I would have asked that young cancer patient if he would rather be sent to school with a terrible cold I am sure the young man would have jumped at the chance. He also reminded me a lesson I am usually teaching others but that I also need to be reminded of. How we approach our situations often goes a long way to determining their outcomes. If I had approached my minor health issue with the same positivity this young man approached his serious one I would have undoubtedly been feeling a lot better. I noticed watching this young man interact with people in the waiting room I was already feeling a lot better. By the time my friend was done with her visit I had a smile on my face and was thankful to be going into work. So remember to try and keep a positive focus on our lives even when they seem challenging. Feel free to print out this story if it will help you remember better. I know the experience certainly was a great reminder for me.

GIVE IT UP!!

Why on earth in a blog about living a more rewarding life and persevering would you find a title like this? Yesterday we discussed Fat Tuesday and self-indulgence. Today we are going to look at Ash Wednesday. This is a Christian holiday that represents the start of lent. A period of fasting leading up to Easter. Whether or not you are Christian stay with me here. In a nutshell Ash Wednesday people give up something as a sign of sacrifice for their beliefs. Whether your beliefs are Christian, Buddhist, Muslim or you just believe in trying to create a better you and a better world, we can all be a part of this holiday. Now I have heard a large range of things people give up for lent. Sugary foods, coffee, alcohol, or even just the traditional meat on Fridays. I suggest we can take this a step further. Let us find something that pushes us to improve not just sacrifice. Try giving up listening to that negative voice in the back of your head. Give up junk food? How about giving up bad eating and try to take better care of the bodies we have been blessed with. How about trying to stay away from gossip? Try giving up saying anything negative about anyone including yourself? Traditionally lent last 40 days. Scientists say it takes anywhere from 21-30 days to create a new habit. So you will be well on your way even if you mess up once or twice. Perhaps we could spend today thinking of what we could ‘give up’ from our lives that would end up serving us and making our world a little better in the process. Whatever idea you come up with I suggest writing it down and taping it to your computer screen at work or your bathroom mirror. Somewhere you will receive a subtle reminder of what you are giving up from your life. If you mess up, just dust yourself off and get back on track. Then we can all celebrate together on Easter whether we are Christian or not. We will all have improved and rid our lives of something we are better off without.

GO AHEAD…INDULGE!

Today is traditionally the celebration of ‘Fat Tuesday’ or Mardi Gras in which people over indulge in plenty of vices before going into lent which starts tomorrow (more on that tomorrow). I am all for celebrating…well anything. I believe it is good for the soul and the more people and things you have to celebrate in your life the happier you will be. Another idea is the more ways you have to celebrate the better as well. Do not get me wrong, I am all for a night on the town. In fact lately I may have had one too many, but what if we could indulge in a different way? Instead of enjoying things of an alcoholic or carnal pleasure we focus on indulging ourselves in healthier pleasures? Use this day to spoil yourself completely. Do it in ways that will leave you feeling even more incredible the next day. Use that personal day at work you may have been saving for a rainy day. Treat yourself to that amazing but expensive coffee drink you may like. Take yourself to that pricey but healthy restaurant you’ve been meaning to try. Have a day at the spa. Get a massage. You deserve it. While we can often be critical of ourselves, especially those who are looking to improve themselves we also need a day to relax and recharge. Why not use the holiday all about self-indulgence to do just such a thing? If you still feel that you need a drink and wish to dance half-naked, well…I’m bartending tonight so feel free to stop on down!

WHAT IS THE MEANING OF LIFE?

So what is the meaning of life? Today we are going to investigate and answer that very question. You mean you will not have to climb to the top of some very tall mountain and ask a very old man with a long beard? No actually all you have to do is log on, click on this blog and read the writings of a man who feels old and only has a goatee. OK, I don’t know many of you. Some of you I only know fairly well. Even the ones I know very well how can I begin to tell you the meaning of your life? How if we have never met can I begin to tell you what the purpose of you being here is? Well let me begin by paraphrasing another man with a great name, Neal Donald Walsh, even though he may have his spelling all wrong I believe his thinking is all right. He said in the famous movie The Secret and again I’m doing this from my memory which can be suspect at times. He said there is no blackboard in the sky where God writes “Your purpose in life is ____” A lot of us would like to believe we are all preordained with some divine purpose and as soon as it is revealed our life will be easy and our path will be laid out before us. Sad thing is some people spend their entire lives looking for this writing in the sky. I’m here to tell you something very important – your mission in life is what you choose to make it – True you may have some divine inspiration along the way. We are all given some talents with which to work and things we excel at. We are all driven by different motivations. Martin Luther King jr. was angered by the injustice he saw to a point he decided his life mission was to strive for equality. Mother Theresa was saddened by all the people she saw who needed help that were being left behind so she dedicated her life to helping the poor and forgotten. Musicians see how their music can touch people so they try to spread that feeling to as many people as possible. I was disgusted by how much negativity is in the world so I decided to make my life’s mission to bring more positivity to the world. I am still trying to work out what Paris Hilton’s mission is, perhaps she is still searching. The point here is that your mission, your meaning of life is whatever you decide it is. What are you passionate about? If you noticed in the examples above the passion does not necessarily have to be a positive one to make for a great life mission. So if you find yourself feeling lost, wondering why you are here. My suggestion? Decide why you are here. Spend the weekend examining things you have a great deal of feeling for. Then decide what life means to you. Who knows your life’s mission may change several times in your life as you learn and grow. The main thing here is to understand you are the one who decides what life means to you. So ask yourself this weekend “what is the meaning of life” you can even try climbing the highest hill you can find to think about it. If you grow a beard while thinking you may have spent too much time on the question.

STOP! STOP RUNNING!

This is a line I hear in the beginning of the show Ghost Adventures which I must confess came to mind as I read my daily inspirational calendar. It simply said “Sit with it” like many bits of inspiration this one can be interpreted in many different ways. Here is the way I chose to take it. Many of us spend our entire lives running from things we find unpleasant. Are you guilty of this at all in your life? I know I am. A lot of us run from our fears. Run from our disappointments, run from our crazy family members. Ok, sometimes that last one might not be a bad idea. The point is if we run from things we often miss the lessons they may be trying to teach us or may continue to give them control over us. Fear for example, as long as we run from it we cannot be at peace with ourselves. It is out there. It is lurking it is scary. When we sit down with our fears for a cup of tea or in my case a rum and coke, and say look you scare the hell out of me, why is that? Why are clowns so terribly frightening? They are just circus performers in costumes right? Ok well I’m still working on that one. The point is here when we stop running we take back control of our lives, the future seems a lot more certain and we often gain a very valuable lesson. So ask yourself, “What am I always running from?” Are you going to let it continue to control you? Are you going to continue to miss the lesson it is trying to teach you? Instead of running from it, try what my calendar suggests and “Sit with it”. Now if you’ll excuse me I must pour a rum and coke for the clown and I.

FEED EACH OTHER

Tasty Food Abundance in Healthy Europe
Tasty Food Abundance in Healthy Europe (Photo credit: epSos.de)

Further proof inspiration can strike nearly anytime. Last Sunday I was having a few cocktails at a local establishment I visit when I ran into a friend of mine, Matt, that I have known a while. He shared with me this very interesting story that truly helps explain why it is so important to be kind to others. Understand I am recalling this from memory and it is a night I was having some cocktails as mentioned above.

A gentleman was in the hospital after a serious car crash. He slipped into a coma while recovering. During such time he left his body and was taken up to heaven. His excitement was short-lived as God told him the reason he had brought him there was so he could visit both heaven and hell and tell the world about it. Given the choice of which place he could visit first he chose hell so he could get it over with. Down he went expected fire and people crying out in pain. When he arrived all he could see was a lavish banquet sent with some of the finest dishes available. This isn’t so bad he thought. Then he saw the people arrive. Attached to the end of their arms were extra long utensils. Try as the may the could not get the food to their mouth. Time sped up and he watched as day after day these people tried every different  idea they had, yet all of them ended up starving while sitting in front of a table full of food. He felt helpless and sad, then he started to rise up and was soon back in heaven. Again he was at the same lavish banquet. Again the people came in the same utensils attached to their arms. “Surely this must be a mistake” he thought. how could the same suffering that existed in hell exist in heaven?  He saw the people begin to try in vain to eat unable to get the food to their mouths. He felt confused and disillusioned. He heard the voice of good tell him to keep watching. Eventually the people figured out a solution, they began to feed each other. As time sped up here he watched as all the people stayed happy and satisfied. In addition they seemed to be happier and better connected with each other.

No matter what your spiritual belief may be this story shows something very important. When we try to rely on and only help ourselves we will surely starve. Not only physically, but emotionally and spiritually as well. When we dedicate our lives to helping others it shall be returned in kind and everyone will prosper. So look where you can feed others. Feed them physically, spiritually, emotionally. Give them some of your time, an ear when they need to be heard, a shoulder when they need one to cry on. The more of us who do this the more this world will resemble heaven.

REMEMBER YOUR TRACK RECORD.

Happiness mind-map
Happiness mind-map (Photo credit: EEPaul)

“On particularly rough days when I’m sure I can’t possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that’s pretty good”

I saw this quote on one of the many inspirational pages I subscribe to online. It sounds cute and rather tongue in cheek, but if you are reading this it happens to be true. It is very hard when you are in the emotional whirlwind of whatever situation seems to be giving you a hard time at the moment. Just last Saturday I faced some pretty tough life challenges and a new path was laid out before me. I found myself focusing on lack and negativity which for anyone who knows me is rather out of character. Still it is further proof even a man who writes a blog dedicated to living an amazing life and who has just released a book titled A Happy Life for Busy People still struggles. That is why I tell you it is so important to find new, fun and practical ways to add joy to your life and to approach life’s challenges with gusto and confidence. None of us are perfect. If I told you I am happy 100% of the time and nothing ever gets the best of me I would be lying to you and would not encourage you to follow a blog or read a book by anyone who is anything less than honest. What is important is a dedication to learn from our mistakes. To take something away from situations that get the best of us. In the moment it can often be hard and we can fail to find the diamond among the coal. This was me Thursday. So how do you make it easier to do? How can you be able to make a mistake and honestly ask yourself “What can I learn from this that will make me better in the future?” The quick answer is this – Practice. The more you get into this habit the easier it becomes. Now be warned, you will be greeted with the occasional “Nothing! Nothing is to be gained by this it sucks!” Even this is something you can learn from. To me it gave me something else new to work on within myself. Of course that list is wide and growing every day. I find the more I know, the more I have to learn. Still, I need to remember that I have made it through everything I have faced! Am I still sad for relationships that have ended? People who have passed away? Sure, but I made it through. So have you or you would not be reading this blog. Whether you are homeless in Brazil, or a rich business leader of an African nation, you have made it. You are here today. You are undefeated. The only way we lose is if we allow ourselves to stay defeated. So when you are tempted to give up, especially when it looks the worse remember so far nothing has stopped you! Oh sure things may have slowed you down, but you are still here and use that to prove to yourself you will still be here tomorrow!