One of the many great lessons you can pull out of my third book is this one! When I was told I needed a risky open-heart surgery and that there was a chance I could either have a stroke or die, a lot goes through your mind. They did tell me that it would most likely be a mini-stroke, so nothing to worry about. I recall jokingly asking if there was a mini death that wasn’t much to worry about. That was all too accurate, but that is a story for a different post. If you can’t wait, feel free to read The Beat Goes On by yours truly.
I was given two months notice before the surgery would take place. What was I focused on? Was it making more money? Not at all. Improving my looks? Nope. What became most important was loving the people closest to me and enjoying every last drop of time I could with them. The closer the day came, the less I wanted to even spend time sleeping. Granted, there is not much of that in my life normally. When you know how much sand is left in the hourglass and are keenly aware that it is running out every second that passes, there is a sense of urgency that you otherwise don’t have.
Here is the truth, that is the situation for all of us. Normally, we don’t know how much sand is on top of the hourglass. It could be a week, it could be a decade or more. We don’t really know. Yet, the majority of us walk around as if we have an noncancelable contract with life. Not to be the bearer of bad news, but yours will end someday and we don’t know when.
I did end up briefly expiring. Again, that entire story is in the book. Obviously, I came back to join you all here on the website and type this blog. Hopefully, that wasn’t the sole reason I was brought back, but I digress. Having another chance to bring joy to the world, and extract it from life is quite a blessing. I had to undergo months of physical therapy to be able to get back to living life again. Let me tell you that not a single workout goes by that I am not reminded that even going to the gym is a blessing. Actually, all of life is. It is also a precious one that far too many of us take for granted. Today, you are the youngest you will ever be. Don’t waste it.
What a question to begin the week, I know. A few posts back, we wrote that everyone we meet can become our teacher, if only our minds are open to them. The same holds true for every situation. In fact, this is one of the great secrets that can get you through some of the worst situations you will face. Being able to take a step back and ask yourself, “What can I learn from this?” Will show you that everything in life can be made to serve us if we choose to make it do so.
Margie and I have a friend who has, what one might call, a slight anger problem. He is aware of it, and for a while confessed that he was unable to control it. When I mentioned that he had became his anger’s ‘bitch’ (when in Rome, you must speak as the Romans do) He pondered that for a moment and realized this was so. Being that he fostered a reputation as a tough guy, how could he be a slave to his emotions? Then, I asked him the million dollar question, “What do you think you could learn from your anger? What is it trying to teach you?” Ok, so that was two questions, but they are different versions of the same thing.
I am not exactly what lesson this unfortunately young lady is learning, but if she chooses to, she can learn one. The same with us. If we choose to, we can make any situation, good or bad, an opportunity to learn! The more we realize that we do not know, the smarter we actually are! As the great philosopher above said, “Only stupid people have all of the answers.”
As we plunge headfirst into the week ahead, let us strive to get knowledge out of every situation we can. It will not only reduce stress, but it will increase intelligence! Talk about a win/win! Can you think of any situation that you managed to turn into a lesson?
You see it everywhere, people taking selfies. This past weekend, Margie and I saw a little grandma at the diner we were at trying to capture herself in the best light. It can be tricky taking a picture of yourself. Finding just the right light and just the right angle. You want to both highlight your positives and hide your negatives. Margie informs me she takes dozens to find one she likes enough to send to me. I have given up on that a long time ago. After I send my picture, a message about being stuck with me usually follows.
That is why, when I saw this quote, I had to share it with all of you. In a world where we are obsessed with our image, how many of us invest in what really counts? You can make the outside look as good as you want, but if the inside is unattractive, you will be too. On this site we certainly recommend taking care of your physical appearance. Liking what you see in the mirror will have you feeling more confident and willing to try new things. Just as, actually more, important is taking care of the inside. Have you ever met someone who might not fit your usual definition of attraction, but because of their energy and personality, you can’t help but want to be around them? Happened to me when I first met this lady with bright pink hair. Ten years later, I find her the most beautiful person in the world.
How about you? If you could take a selfie of your soul, would you want to post it online? Would it be attractive? Are you compassionate towards others? How is your temper? Do you often do random acts of kindness? How is your level of inner peace? Next time you are trying to capture that perfect likeness of yourself, take a moment to think about how the inside looks.
Have you thought about this perspective? Everyone is our teacher. Tony Robbins once said, “Every life is either a warning or an example.” Both of those are teachers. Either teaching us what to do, or teaching us what not to do. Everyone has certain skills. When I was first starting to speak, I watched videos of speakers that I admired. Even virtually, they were my teachers. My lovely lady often teaches me the importance of taking time from a focus driven life to just relax and be silly. Some people are naturally friendly and good at making people feel good about themselves. Want to learn how to be that way? Watch and observe. Allow them to be your teacher.
I can hear you now, “Neil, what about that jerk that doesn’t use that magical device that let’s you know where they are turning? You know, a turn signal.” A personal pet peeve of mine. Yes, even these driving education impaired individuals can teach us something. That can be how important it is that we use our turn signal. It can be a lesson in how to control our rage. It can give us an unscheduled lesson in defensive driving. People who challenge us can often be our best teachers. They make us reach into our character and really strengthen some of those muscles we don’t often use. You know the ones, patience, calm, restraint?
When we view everyone we come across as our teacher, as they really are, it can be a lot easier to be accepting of others. This is true even for those who teach us in a manner that we would prefer they do not. Try it for yourself. Pick a few people each day and ask yourself, “What can I learn from this person?” You would be amazed at what you come up with. Even people who you have known your whole life. Everyone has their own skills and have made mistakes. Learn from them. Who are some of your favorite teachers?
Quite a while back, I did a video for my YouTube channel called Waking up in neutral. I will post a link at the end of this post if you would like to check that out. By the time you are done reading this, it may not be a bad idea.
What is the first thing you do in the morning? If you are like 90% of people reading this blog, you probably roll over and grab your phone. According to recent surveys, 74% of people use their phone as their alarm clock. That number jumps to 83% if you live in the United States. Here is the really scary stat. 80% of people grab their phone within 15 minutes of waking up. 62% grab it immediately after waking up. What do all of these numbers mean? It means that less than a half an hour after waking up, you are letting other people influence your day. What is the big deal about that? You never know if the influence is going to be good or bad.
Once we leave the safe confines of our humble abode, we start to relinquish control of our day. There are other drivers on the road. The road itself. How about the flow of traffic? Once we get to work, there is the mood that the boss and our coworkers are in. Could be good, could be not. The fact is that none of this is in our control and the odds that all of it will be perfect and positive are slim to none. Meaning, the start of our day is the one moment we have complete control over. Yet, as odd as this may seem, almost nobody starts their day with a purpose. They sort of ‘wake up with their gears in neutral’ and let the day happen to them.
One of the ways that we can start our day on a positive spin begins before we even get out of bed. After all, we could stub our toe on the corner of the bed and start a downward trend. Before our feet even hit the floor, we should come up with at least one thing we are grateful for. If this seems like a task that may not be possible for you first thing in the a.m., it would be a great idea to jot a few down the night before. That way, all you would have to do is read a few lines before getting out of bed.
That leads us to our second suggestion. Have a morning declaration. Declare to yourself, and any nosey neighbors, what kind of day you are determined to have. Here is one of my favorites – “Today I will foster my own inner peace and bring joy to others no matter what circumstances may arise.” or “Today I will either win or I will learn. Nothing will defeat me.” It is far more powerful if you say it out loud. It may seem silly at first, stick with it. Looking at yourself in the mirror with a smile as you repeat your morning mantra will have dramatic effects. If you are too self-conscious that your spouse will hear, run the shower. I am grateful that Margie is used to me talking to myself in the bathroom and does it not pay it much mind.
There is so much craziness and chaos in our lives, we owe it to ourselves to start our day out on a positive note. Above is two suggestions. You can start with these and develop ones that work for you. I enjoy some gratitude affirmations with my first cup of coffee in the morning. Oddly enough, Margie seems grateful after I have my first coffee in the morning as well. Please share with us your tips and tricks for starting your morning off the right way. The more suggestions we have, the more likely we are to have a great day!
Artificial Intelligence can be a rather scary thing. Elon Musk was asked what was the one thing that scared him about the future and he said it was the application of AI. Now, if something scares old Elon, that is something. He is not what I would consider a very emotional fellow. Many people think that AI is some crazy futuristic aspect that is years away. It isn’t. Have you ever used your phone to look up a certain topic and suddenly you are seeing ads for that topic popping up all over your social media? One evening Margie and I were having a conversation about a certain article of clothing I was looking at purchasing. Minutes later, as she was playing a game online, an ad for that very product popped up. This can seem creepy, and I guess it kind of is. It can also teach us about an aspect of our own intelligence and how we can make the most of it.
Let us kind of switch gears for a second and talk about the Law of Attraction. What is the Law of Attraction? Many people mistakenly think it is the theory that you think of something and it pops in your life. Not quite. Good thing too, because the majority of anyone’s thoughts tend to be negative. A quick definition I heard is that the Law of Attraction is the philosophy that energy precedes manifestation. It may sound like just another way of saying what we put forth earlier, but there is an important difference. One of the great tools and strategies to use in manifesting and attracting what we want in life is focus and attention. When we practice focusing on the positive things in our life and what is going right, say through gratitude, that tends to be what we notice. The more we do it, the more we notice it. That is not to say that we do not have, or notice, the negative aspects of life, we just do not focus on them. When you shift your focus, you shift what you feel. When it comes right down to it, what you feel is what you are living. This attraction thing works both ways, so be careful. What does any of this have to do with AI? Let us take a look.
There is a different type of AI to be found. Actual Intelligence. It can be found in a part of the brain called the reticular activating system, or RAS. Remember our crazy examples about the ads for things we were talking about suddenly popping up everywhere? That is kind of how the RAS works. It acts as a filter to bring to light what we focus on. If we are always telling people that our life is difficult and that things never go our way, our RAS is listening. The same way our smart phone listens to, and pays note of the things we search and do online.
I always use the example of when you buy a new car or outfit and you suddenly start seeing that car and outfit everywhere. The cars and outfits were always there, but they were not a priority to you or to your brain. Suddenly, your RAS realized that this was a priority. It was something that was ‘like’ something you now have. In the case of a new car or outfit, something we are usually emotionally charged about having. Fast forward a year. We don’t see that outfit or car as much. Why? It has become less emotionally important to us. Here is what is really important and worth considering. In both cases, reality itself did not change, but our reality changed. Again, everybody did not go out and buy the same car or outfit, but we did start seeing more of them. Why? Because that is what we focused on.
Remember, Artificial Intelligence will show us ads for want we are paying attention to, whether that is ‘good’ or ‘bad’. We can be shown ads for gym equipment and fitness routines, or candy and drug paraphernalia. Whatever we are looking up, thinking about and giving our attention to. Actual Intelligence and our Reticular Activating System will do the same thing in our life. Whether we are focused on how miserable our life is and how terrible we are being treated, or how much opportunities we have and how much we have to be grateful for.
If you think ads popping up for what you are talking about or searching online is scary, just remember the same thing is happening in your life. Both AIs are using the same principles. For reasons I cannot comprehend, it is easier for people to agree with the fact that big brother and the internet algorithm control what shows up in our life than the fact that our built in filter in our brain is doing the exact same thing. You are attracting the ads and content you see online. You are also attracting the people, circumstances, opportunities and feelings you are experiencing in life. Use the AI you have control of to create a better life for you and those you love.
Way too many of us can find ourselves in the cycle of waking up, paying bills, sleeping and repeating. We are in survival mode. I am as guilty as the next person on occasion. Life can come at you fast these days. I am working on changing that. Not only with this blog, but with my upcoming fourth book. We need to switch from surviving to thriving. Yes, that sounds like a cute self-improvement saying, but what does it really mean?
Thriving means different things to different people. What is universal is that we thrive when we are in the right environment for one. If you put an acorn in a one foot pot, it will not grow to be a huge oak tree. It doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with the seed, it is just limited by its environment. You and I are much the same. What is the right environment? So glad you asked. First, it is being surrounded by the right people. We discussed this a few posts earlier. We need people the both encourage us as well as push us. Haven’t you just been around someone who makes you feel better about life? Spend more time with that person!
Contribution. You want to talk about feeling on top of the world? Find a way to contribute to it. By being the most authentic version of yourself and sharing that with the world. If you bring the best ‘you’ that you can to the world, everyone benefits. There are so many ways to contribute and each one not only makes the world a better place, but makes us better for it! You can contribute your time. This can be helping a cause you believe in, or just giving time to listen to your friends. You can contribute positivity to your community. This can be your online community, or your real community. Better yet, how about both? You can contribute by sharing your story and letting others know they are not alone!
Raise your hand if you have heard that love is the most powerful force in the universe? You can put your hand down now, as people may be wondering why you are reading with one hand in the air. It really is! If you want to raise your vibration, that is start feeling amazing, show someone else some love. This doesn’t have to be buying your spouse flowers for no reason, although might not be a bad move. No, love can be so much more! The great thing about love is that there is an endless amount of opportunities to show it.
Let us take a look at a few. Asking someone to text you and let you know they got home safe, that is love. Going for coffee or a stroll with someone and doing nothing but actively listening to what they have to share. That is love. Sending someone an encouraging text, or card. That is love. Posting encouraging or motivational content online to bring hope to those who may need it, that is love. I can tell you that being an independent author, when someone promotes my books, or leaves a positive review on Amazon, I feel the love. You can show love to friends, your family, your spouse, you coworkers or even complete strangers. Buying a coffee for the person behind you, letting someone go ahead of you in line or even just sharing a smile, these are examples of love.
Living your authentic self, contributing and showing love. These things will not only make you shine, they will make the world a better place for all of us. If you are reading a blog like this, you already know how to do many of these things. Let us be the light for others. In turn, it will help to feed our soul. Please share ideas how you go from striving to thriving so that we may all take advantage of them. Just another way of both contributing and showing love! Leave them in the comments below.
Here is a topic that I seem to be discussing with just about everybody lately. From those here online, to those at my seminars, book signings, DJ shows and even friends and family. That is cell phones and social media – are they good or bad? The general consensus is that they are destroying the fabric of human communications and personal relation. To a point, that may be true. Look at any line you see, whether that is for a bathroom, the grocery store or the coffee shop and it will look a lot like the picture above. Everyone with their face buried in their phones. We are becoming a world that lives in distraction.
What are all of these people looking at? It could be assumed a great percentage would be viewing some sort of social media site. This could range from Facebook, Twitter (now known as ‘X’), Tik Tok, or many others. When people start to venture into the world of self-improvement, one of the first things they do, or at least share with me, is that they have given up social media. If the reason to do so is that you have become too addicted to that and are trying to live more in the moment, than good on you. That, however, is not the reason most people give for making this change. When I ask them why they gave up their social media, they tell me the same thing, “It is just too negative.” I certainly advocate eliminating or at the very least, limiting our exposure to negative influences.
Here are two uncomfortable truths about social media. This was brought to my attention by one of my friends on LinkedIn. First of all, they are nothing but tools. Tools for connection. Tools for promotion, if you are in business. Tools for entertainment. She mentioned that people were complaining about TikTok specifically. How all they saw were videos of people lip-syncing to songs. I have heard this said about many different social media sights. People say all they see on Facebook are people yelling about politics or whatever social issue they feel like discussing. I couldn’t agree more that this happens a lot. Here is the interesting thing. If you want to promote anything online, you are aware there is an algorithm that they use to bring your material in front of others. What is that? You see more of what you react too. Let that sink in for a second.
Here is the second uncomfortable truth, along with an easy and fun solution to turn social media into a tool to work for you, instead of against you, if you so choose. Here is the truth. Who controls what you see on social media? Before you go back to the algorithm, and blame it on Elon Musk, Meta or some great unknown person behind the curtain, let me give you the answer. It is you. Whatever you subscribe to and react with, you will see more of. If you want social media to be a more positive experience, make it happen!
How do you do this? Much like many of the other areas of improvement, use the principle of addition instead of subtraction. What does that mean? Put these algorithms to use for you. Begin to subscribe to pages and people who bring you joy or inspire you. This will accomplish two amazing things at the same time. First, it will obviously add positive content to your social media. Second, by doing so, it will naturally dilute the negative content. The more space is taken up by positive, inspirational and motivational material, the less space is left for negative, soul-sucking content.
We are still going to run into some negative comments, posts and such. What are we to do then? Above are a few suggestions. If you find yourself feeling emotionally drained or upset by what you are seeing online, my first suggestion would be to step away. Go for a walk in nature. Get a cup of coffee with a friend. Watch a funny movie. Then, next time you are online, make sure to add at least one more positive influence to your sphere of social media influence. The last suggestion is one I really like as well. If you see a lot of negative comments, begin leaving positive ones. A good rule of thumb, for every negative comment you see, leave two positive ones. It doesn’t even have to be on the same post. Just go around leaving a little positive and encouraging feedback here and there. You will not only be helping yourself deal with the negativity, you will be making the internet a little more positive for the rest of us.
Remember, social media and cell phones are merely tools. They can be used for good or for bad. During the pandemic, it was social media that allowed us to stay connected. Being able to pick up a phone and call a loved one we missed seeing. Maybe even a Facetime or video call. As with everything in life, we are the ones in charge of how much we use these items, and how we use them. It is also our responsibility to make sure they do not prevent us from eliminating personal contact as well. Let us make the tools work for us, instead of the other way around.
Have you ever had a day where you feel like this? Not quite like a murdering doll, but where if how you felt on the inside could be seen, you might resemble this lovely character? I know I have. With many responsibilities, even enjoyable ones, comes much stress. When I have to fit in the day job, the gym and writing in one day , that can be rather stressful. I barely have enough energy to show my lovely lady how important she is to me. That only adds further stress.
What do you do when you feel burned out? Another reason why working on self-improvement and self-care is so important to start, and start now. If you get to the point of feeling burned out, the last thing you are going to want to do is spend mental energy on how to rid yourself of those feelings. What I can suggest is to start a self-care book. This is an activity that will be featured in my upcoming fourth book. In your self-care book, you can list everything that brings you feelings of peace, health and happiness. In other words, everything that refreshes your spirit. This can be songs that inspire you. Movies that make you laugh or energize you. It can be places you like to go, whether that is a park, a coffee shop or some place to eat. This self-care book can be updated as you discover new items to add. For me, who struggles during the long cold winter, this can be a life-saver. Place this book somewhere it can easily be accessed.
When you are feeling burned out, sad, uninspired or any of the other unpleasant emotions, pull out your self-care book and engage in one, or several, of the activities. When you find something that really brings joy, or inner peace, to your heart, pull out the book and add it. Having this resource available takes the thinking out of helping yourself. Composing the book is actually a fun activity. You can even ask your friends, family and spouse for ideas. You can do it together as a couple or as a family.
The old cliche says that “Youth is wasted on the young.” I think all stages of life have their place and their wisdom you can only gain at that time. Almost nowhere do I believe this is more true than in the area of love. We all remember early crushes and all those crazy days in our teenage years. Hormones barely allowed us to understand ourselves, much less have a healthy constructive relationship with another person experiencing the same thing. They sure could be intense though! Like a fire that burns so hot it eventually consumes itself. Intense? Yes, but often fleeting. It is easy for teenagers to spend equal amounts of time in both heartache and falling in love.
The secret to lasting love, I have been told, is to create a slow-burning fire. Warm embers, if you will. It may not have the extreme passion of the relationships of youth, but it will keep you warm and you will not get burned. I respectfully disagree. While being warm has its advantages, as I write this it is around freezing where I live, sometimes you just want to be hot. True? What is my plan? How can a relationship burn hot but not end up consuming itself? I say, buy a fire-proof suit and find yourself a bunch of kindling. Let us look at both of those shall we?
Getting a fire-proof suit is something we don’t think, or know, about when we are young and first experiencing love. It is an investment many of us never choose to make, despite the lessons love will teach us. A fire-proof suit is protection from the fiery flames of passion. You may be thinking “I don’t need protection from passion!” You may even being wishing there was a little bit more of it in your relationship. We will get to that next. What we must understand is, much like fire, passion can give our relationship life, or burn it to a crisp. When there is a lot of passion in a relationship, everything becomes more intense. That means in addition to levels of romance and sensuality, negative emotions can be just as intense. It is this experience that can cause the end of the “Honeymoon period” of relationships and why that is even a thing.
After getting burned by the flames once too often, many couples decide if things were a little less intense, it may not be a bad thing. While this seems to work great for arguments and hurt feelings, it creates collateral damage. Passion is generally an all or nothing affair. You cannot take it out of disagreements without it affecting the romance and sensuality. That is why you will not see many older couples in heated arguments, but you also won’t see them displaying intense forms of public affection either. They have sacrificed passion for longevity. It is a bittersweet proposition indeed.
They lowered the flames because they did not want to get burned. What they should have done is invest in a fire-proof suit. What on earth do we mean by a fire-proof suit? Investing in tools that help you channel the passion you will experience into a healthy and growing manner. It is literally the difference between starting a fire in the fireplace, or starting your house on fire. Both will warm you up, but one will leave you hurt and homeless. Is that what you want for your relationship? I have listed 3 amazing books that can help you in that regard. The first was a recommendation from one of the readers of this very site. Eduardo in Italy brought this book to my attention. It is currently on the way from Amazon. Creating miracles in the communication of your relationship? That would be helpful. The other 2 are favorites of mine. The 5 Love Languages helps you understand the way you, and your partner, both give and receive love. Do you think that might be just a little helpful? I have learned more from this book than almost any other. I say that because the other book, How to Win Friends and Influence People, is my favorite book of all time. I have read it more than ten times. It gives you tools and strategies to effectively communicate your emotions and feelings. Fellas, this could save your relationship.
The second part is to find more kindling to keep the flames burning. This is a challenge that grows more difficult as the years go by. It should be a fun challenge, however. Kindling is anything that increases or just adds a dose of passion to your relationship. This can be trying new things intimately. It can be discovering new ways to make your partner feel intense love. It can involve things that strengthen your connection. Perhaps showing your partner the beauty, sexiness or pride that you feel towards them in new and exciting ways. In some ways, this becomes more difficult the longer you have been together. You have done and tried so many things, how can anything be new and exciting?
Much like trying to burn the same piece of wood over and over again, doing the same things over and over again in the relationship will generate less heat until it doesn’t do anything at all. What is the solution? It is going out and finding new wood, or kindling. What the hell is that? It is finding new restaurants to try. It is cooking new dishes at home. It is taking classes to learn something new together. It is going to the movies, seeing a comedy act and dates of all kinds. It is finding new things your partner may find romantic. That could be flowers or jewelry given for sole reason that you love them. It can even be as simple as taking the time to create a personalized poem that expresses your unique love for each other. Reading classic poetry, such as the Brownings, may inspire you. I would go into details of intimate adventures you could try, but my mother reads my blog, so I will leave that research up to you personally.
One of the ways that this will become easier as you grow older is that your knowledge of your partner should also increase. How does this happen? In so many ways. Look at your partner as a mystery to solve. Which, at the heart of it, mysteries aren’t we all? You are the detective. A good detective hones their skills of observation. Watch your partner. When you go to the grocery store, what brand of mayo do they go for? This may seem unimportant, but knowing what brands they like can help you come home with just the right surprise. Use active listening with your partner. When they are telling you a story, maybe even one you have heard before, look for things that you can learn about them. Are they telling you things they like? Things that make them upset? Listen with the intent to learn. Ask questions if there is something you need clarification on.
All this may sound like work, but it is really fun once you get the hang of it. There are many other fun activities that can allow you to learn great things about your partner. I like those books of personality tests. I always find them amusing. They now have conversation decks with open-ended questions. Some specifically geared towards couples. Taking a class together can be fun. Even a walk in nature can allow you to get to know your spouse better.
The great thing is that people are always changing and evolving. Yes, this means you will never completely solve the mystery. Why would you want to? Relationships should not be something you stop working on. Just like your physical fitness, if you stop working out, you do not stay the same. You need to keep working on it. Same with your love fitness. Is that even really a term? It is now. The more that you learn about your partner, the more magic you will discover. The more I learn about my lovely lady, the more magical and beautiful she becomes.
Here is a bonus tool to use to see more magic in your relationship – gratitude. Finding as much as you can to be grateful for in your partner is one of your best uses of time. I suggest taking at the very least 5 minutes a day to do this. It can be on the drive to or from work. It can be first thing in the morning, or last thing before bed. It is not only about being grateful for all the wonderful things that your partner does, but even some of the things that drive you crazy. If you can find the gratitude in that, your relationship will be a never-ending source of magic. Margie and I wish you the greatest luck in your quest to discover the magic. We look forward to having you join us in living in a relationship full of passion.
