Tag: self-improvement

A FUN GAME TO PLAY WITH FRIENDS

It is hump day! The middle of the week. We are quickly approaching the weekend. We are beginning to be excited for the weekend and any plans we may have, even if they are just relaxing and not working. I am currently on vacation and have lots to enjoy. Here is fun game you can play with family and friends. The winner will really benefit, but even those who don’t ‘come out on top’ will still win! The prize? Not some plastic participation trophy or ribbon, but a greater sense of joy and inner peace.

The game is simply this, find as many things you can be truly grateful for and why. The why is important because it makes things compelling. To appreciate the sunshine (which I do more than most of you can imagine) is one thing. To realize you are appreciating it because it gives you a feeling of being alive or reminds you of being on vacation in the tropics is an entirely different animal. Pick a group of friends and family and see who can find the most things to be grateful for. Most of us live in such an abundance of riches, it is almost a disgrace what we take for granted. There is a big push to wash your hands often these days. Can you imagine how difficult that would be without clean running water? Water than can be set to a desired temperature and is pretty much available everywhere we are? The ability to wash our entire bodies anytime we desire in that same water? We have personal space where we can adjust the temperature to our liking, take our time and be clean and healthy? So many things in those two statements alone. Write down as many as you can think of and compare with those you are playing the game with. At the end of it, everyone will realize, and hopefully feel, how truly rich we all are and how much we have to be grateful for.

Looking around your life for what you have to be grateful for can be a magical transformation. This may sound like a bunch of hype, but trust me it is not. No, wait. Do not trust me! Try it for yourself. This is what caused me to realize how powerful this was. I wrote down what I was grateful for in my life for 30 days. I did it to prove it didn’t affect much. 20 years later I am writing my third book in the field of self-improvement. This fun game stands the power to transform your life. Even the fact you have the ability to read this information is truly something amazing! I would love to hear your results of playing this game.

WHICH ONE DO YOU DO?

This is one of those lessons that seem like a no-brainer. To be honest, this is one that needs reminding in the lives of all of us. Margie really helped me master this concept. It is also one of the most difficult to remember in the heat of an emotional disagreement. The question is how can we change from having arguments to having discussions? I think there is a two-fold answer to this and it begins as soon as the situations comes up.

When we are hurt/sad/upset/angry with something that someone else did or said, or maybe even something we think they did or said, it is important we bring that feeling into light. The reason it is important is because repression grows into resentment. You might want to read that last part again. When we repress our emotions, the other person may continue to do the very thing that angered us in the first place again and again. Not because they are trying to make our life some living hell, but because they are ignorant to the fact we are upset in the first place. That is our fault and our problem to address.

Here is where it gets a little tricky. Before we begin to convey our feelings, we should take a second to ask ourselves some very important questions. The first question I would ask myself is, “If I was in their place, how would I want this brought to my attention?” Nobody likes to hear they upset someone or hurt their feelings. It can feel like they failed. It is also important to not place them on the defensive. Saying things like “You really hurt me” and “You did this just to make me mad!” Can place people on the defensive. Even if they did do something malicious on purpose, you will only compound the issue by attacking them. Remember to ask yourself how you would like to be approached. A more positive approach, and one I recommend very highly, is to ask them for help. Nobody likes to be reprimanded, but everyone likes to feel like they helped. An example could be, “I was wondering if you could help me with something. When you said _____ it really hurt my feelings. I know that wasn’t what you meant to do, but is there a way we could word this differently?” You notice you are asking for their assistance in discovering a solution? You also give them the benefit of the doubt when it comes to their intent, which we can never truly know anyway. How would you respond if someone approached you that way?

The second, and just as important, thing to ask ourselves is “What is the desired outcome?” Seldom is the answer “I want to make them feel bad because they hurt my feelings.” It may feel like that at the time, but if we are honest with ourselves, the answer is completely different. We usually want to create a mutual understanding that what was said or done caused some emotional distress. It is important to do that with eloquence. Once it is said and understood, immediately switch to working to create a plan to avoid the same situation from happening in the future. I actually ask myself that several times in my head in the course of a discussion. “What is my end goal?” Again, ask for help. “How can we work together to make this work in the future?” stands a far greater chance of success than, “You better not do that again!”

Remember, in any relationship, when there is a disagreement, a discussion is a far better result than an argument. Focus on how you would want to be talked to and realize the other party would probably like to be talked to in the same manner. Stay focused on a solution and not dishing out blame. In fact, blame does little or nothing to create solution. Ask for help. involve the other party and you will have many more productive discussions.

WATCH WHAT YOU EAT!

First post of the new month! Last full month of summer. We want to finish this month on a really healthy diet. Don’t worry, if you have been working on that summer body since you were 12, we are talking about an information diet. This is so important, because like our regular diet, sometimes we consume information without being conscious to the fact that we are doing it. Sometimes it just becomes the norm and we do not realize that we should be a little more selective on what we feed our minds.

One of the issues that arises is that we are so often surrounded by things that are toxic to our mental well-being that we are unaware they are affecting us. It is like the analogy of the frog in the pot of boiling water. If you turn the temperature up quickly the frog will jump out. If you turn it up slowly and gradually, the frog will boil to death. Not a really cheery analogy, but it works for our point here. If you were to through a person into a group of gossiping back biters, chances are they would say “Get me out of here!” If, however, it happens to be the same talk around the water cooler, it can slowly become the normal. We must stand guard at the gate of our minds as Jim Rohn used to say. Quite often, this negative influence will come from friends, family and even coworkers we don’t mind sharing time with. They may be well-meaning, but it will affect us just the same.

What can you do in these situations? You can’t just tell a person to “Shut up!” Well, I suppose you could, but I can safely tell you that will not lead to quality friendships, which in turn will not lead to an amazing life. We can do some other fine things. We can do our best to remove ourselves from that situation. Excuse ourselves to go to the restroom, for a walk around the block, check the food in the kitchen or the goldfish in the living room. What happens when someone is in the restroom, it is raining outside, the food is gone and the goldfish has a babysitter? One, your luck wouldn’t be too good that day, but there are other options. You can try injecting a positive comment in the mix. Do your best to turn this into a game. I have found this makes it easier. When the gossip train makes a stop at your friend Phil’s station, try thinking about the best thing you can think of about Phil. Throw it out there and see what happens. I can tell you 2 things I know for sure. You will immediately make everyone else a little uncomfortable. That’s ok. If they are gossiping, they should be uncomfortable. The other thing is that you will quickly become known as the person who says nice things about people…behind their backs. That’s a good reputation to have. People trust people like that.

There are times when to paraphrase a popular cliché, ‘drama happens’. You do your best to avoid it, but it sits next to you at work, on the bus or even at home. You throw a life preserver of compliments into this ocean of negativity, but the waves keep coming. Repeated exposure to situations like this can leave you feeling worn out at best, dejected and hopeless at its worst. That is why we need to prepare! I stress having as many positive influences in your life as possible. Inspirational calendars ( I have a day by day one) Something inspiring as the screensaver on your phone. (mine is the cutest picture of the woman I love) You can even subscribe to an inspiring magazine. (I have a local one that only includes positive news) I also recommend having a list at the ready of things that give you a dose of positivity. Is there certain places you like to go? The zoo? A certain park with a great view? How about people that put you in a good mood? Write their names, phone numbers, emails or whatever contact information you have down. How about foods that make you smile? Songs? Movies? I say write these all down now. Eventually, there will be a time you need a negativity detox. It also serves as a good preventative. When someone asks me “What can I do to fight off all the drama and negativity I am exposed to?” It can be as simple as “Read three pages of something inspirational and call me in the morning.”

Let us remember as we are working on our nutritional diet, that we should work on our emotional and spiritual diet as well. Feed your body something good for sure, but do not forget to nourish your mind and soul as well. You never know when you might find yourself in an environment that would leave you starving.

WHAT IS YOUR ANSWER TO THIS QUESTION?

Who is this charming fellow you may be asking yourself. Although you may easily confuse this as a picture of me when I wake up for work at 4:30 every weekday morning, the black and white nature should tell you that is not so. This fellow is Arthur Schopenhauer. He was a German philosopher in the early 1800’s. In my research and study of self-improvement, I come across many of these fellows. Notice the happy grin on his face? Most western philosophers share his gloomy demeanor. In fact, on doing research on the western philosophy thoughts into happiness, I discovered much of this gloominess also creeped into their thoughts and outlooks on the subject.

Art here did have a depressing but somewhat interesting take on what to do when pursuing happiness in life. His answer, in short, was this – don’t. Not too surprising considering his cheerful disposition. He did, however, have some advice that at first blush seems a little on the negative side but may help us find a new way to look at life and to increase the joy in our lives. His advice can be wrapped up in the following statement. “Don’t seek out happiness, but instead seek to diminish your misery.” Way to go Art! Focus on being ‘less miserable’ than ‘more happy’. I think if you go through life with your most inspiring thought being “How can I make life suck less?” you will end up with a life that leaves you looking like our good friend Arthur here. Not really that good of a look, if you were to ask me.

So I sat down to think about this idea a little more. That is actually me. You can see it is a little less scowl and a little more pensive than our German friend above. Wouldn’t making your life less miserable make it happier? I think it is much like a budget. If you wish to have more money in your life you can approach it in two entirely different ways. You can either focus on saving money and cutting expenses (like focus on reducing your misery) This is a very important aspect and will end up with you having more money in your pocket. If all you do is focus on where can we cut costs, you are not only limiting yourself, but you are also focusing on sacrifice and lack. Just like focusing on making life less miserable. It may be worth noting that when facing trouble, businesses tend to focus mainly on cutting costs and that seldom works long term.

If you want more money in your pocket, there is another thing you can do and that is focus on ways of increasing your income. In terms of happiness, this would be looking for ways to add more joy to your life. When you are looking to increase your income there are two options. You can earn more for what you already do, or you can find additional streams of income. Same with your ‘Happiness Budget’. Just made up that term by the way, kind of like it. You can look to find more joy in what you already do in life and you can also look for additional sources of joy. If you enjoy going for a walk in nature, would listening to some meditative music be helpful? Maybe trying to spot as many animals as you can? Maybe just focus on the sites, sounds and smells more? If you don’t get to walk in nature as much as you like, maybe you could try adding that to your life.

If the budget analogy doesn’t quite work for you, think of a garden. Stress, challenges and things that generally make you unhappy are like weeds in a garden. No matter how great of a gardener you are, there will always be some weeds. If you spend every minute in the garden of life pulling weeds (that is getting life to be less miserable) and not focused on helping your plants grow (like growing your happiness) your garden would be mediocre at best. That is like focusing on reducing misery and leaving the growth of happiness to chance. Sure, life may throw a few things your way every once in a while but your life, much like your garden, will be mediocre.

When it comes to a strategy for happiness I am going to say that the cheery Mr. Schopenhauer’s thoughts are not without merit, but merely one side of the coin. I think we should both look to reduce our misery in life while looking to grow our happiness. Just as in our income example, if we want more money in our pockets we should both look to cut expenses as well as increase our income. While tending your garden of life, certainly address picking the weeds, but also make sure to water your plants. Doing so will allow you the greatest harvest. The same can be said about removing the misery as well as growing the happiness, it will give you the greatest harvest.

ARE YOU AN EGG OR A POTATO?

Life is tough my friends. This week we are going to look at a couple of strategies that may help us to deal with all of the tough times we are facing. There is still a pandemic, there are chaotic situations in many workplaces and a million other daily stresses we face. Even if it appears someone is ‘doing better’ than we are, chances are they just have different life challenges, or are better at hiding what they are going through.

I like to think of this quote when I am facing a challenge. Will I let this control me, or will I control it? You might think “How can I control losing my job?” or for that matter any of the other challenges we face? In my latest book, Living the Dream, I talk about asking yourself the question “How can I use this?” You could also think of this quote, or maybe even have a copy printed out to look at. There are 2 ways that I make use of this quote in stressful times and I would like to quickly share them with you. Feel free to share anything you have come to mind. I am always interested in new perspective.

The first thing that came to mind was that the egg was made stronger by the boiling water and the potato was made weaker. Stress can be like an emotional workout strengthening our resolve and resiliency. It can, however, break us down and leave us drained. Much like if we workout too hard. When stress comes I ask myself that question recommended in the book – “How can I use this?” I know that it can prepare me for a similar experience in the future. I give myself a little pep talk. “I’m not going to let this stress get the best of me. I am going to use it to make me a more bad ass motivator.” Not always those words, but something like that.

The second way I view this quote is that the egg becomes harder. Stress and challenges make some people hard and uncaring. It is really a manifestation of fear. You are afraid to get hurt again, so you become less emotionally available. Much like our egg in the boiling water, you become hard. On the other hand, the potato becomes softer in the boiling water. Usually, it is not a compliment to be called soft. In this case, I think the word soft could be replaced by the word compassion. When you go through a stressful situation, you immediately become more compassionate to those going through something similar. In this case, being soft could be a good thing.

When it comes to stress, which can often feel like you are being put into boiling water, are you an egg or potato? I guess depending on how you view this statement, you could be both. Let challenges be an emotional workout for you making you stronger and better equipped to face things in the future. Be careful, however, not to let it make you emotionally hard and lose your sense of compassion and ability to relate to others.

ONE WORD THAT CAN CHANGE YOUR WORLD

What is the one word that would change our world? It is the kind word that Mr. Rogers mentions in the quote above. Would it be fair to say that our ‘neighborhoods’ in which we spend our time make up our world? We have our ‘work neighborhood’ made up of our coworkers, bosses, customers, clients and whoever else we come in contact with. These folks make up our neighborhood 40 hours or more of our week. We also have what some would consider our ‘actual neighborhood’ be that our block, our city or however we choose to define it. We even have our ‘family neighborhood’ that consists of the people we share our household with.

Imagine to what degree we could increase the quality of these neighborhoods not just for ourselves, but for those we share them with? A simple kind word could change a cold, uninviting neighborhood to one filled with love and acceptance. Do you think that would make a difference? Do you think it would change how productive that neighborhood would be? How about how supportive and encouraging? Do you think people would act different when they feel more loved and accepted? I believe they would. I also believe we have a moral obligation to offer words of kindness in all of our neighborhoods and to make them the best they can be.

Do your part today. Take Mr. Rogers challenge and offer a word of kindness in your neighborhood. Do it in all of your neighborhoods! Offer one kind word a week and you can positively affect your neighborhood a little. Offer one kind word a day and you can have an even greater effect. Offer words of kindness to everyone you meet and you can be a catalyst for change in any neighborhood you find yourself in. I would love to hear how you positively affect your neighborhood.

YOUR 3 HOMES

We have discussed in the past that we can have multiple identities, but still be just one person. We have to be one person at work, another at the gym and yet another at home. Still, at the end of the day we are still us. The same can be true of where we live. We must also take a great care of all of the places we live. We are going to look at three of them and, as we do here at Secret2anamazinglife, we are going to give you a bonus location to think about as well. Let us get started.

Your Body. Let us start with this one. No matter where you are sleeping, in a mansion, in a loft in the city or even on the streets, you are sleeping in your body. When you walk or have to do something physical, you are in your body. We take many measures to make our homes the best it can be. We call in a plumber if our pipes are not flowing correctly. Do we do the same for our cardiovascular system? The body’s plumbing? If our power goes out it is a an emergency, but do we make sure to eat and hydrate enough to maintain our body’s energy level? Our body is the home we live in until the day we die. We cannot trade it in for another it would make a great deal of sense to treat it the best we can.

Our World. This one may seem a little too big to control. In some respects that is true. We cannot control what a farmer in the Congo does, or how the market is run in Iraq. Unless, of course, that is our job. Even in that case, there would be lots of other things we could not control. How can we take care of our world then? We can do our part. This may seem like a small thing to do but in reality it is everything. If we recycle in our household it may not stop the pollution of the oceans but what if every family just recycled in their own household? Even if have the families made that one simple step? How big of a difference would that be? You want to live in a cleaner world? Pick up one piece of litter a day. Doesn’t seem like it would do a lot, but that is 365 pieces of garbage a year. If you and your spouse did that it would be 730 pieces of trash. That still may seem like a small amount when you look at the streets about you, but try dumping 730 pieces of garbage on your front lawn and you will see what a difference you are making. Can you imagine if half of the people in the city you live in picked up one piece of litter a day? You would live in the cleanest city ever. You never realize what a great change seemingly small actions make.

Our Mind. Much like the body, we are only afforded one mind in our lifetimes. Despite how many people you feel could really benefit from a lobotomy, they are just not that common. When our minds start to fail us, it is not only hard on us, but on those we love. Wouldn’t it make sense to take the best care of our minds that we can? I am not just talking about learning and keeping them sharp, although that is a big part. When it comes to our mind, rest and fun are just as important. Mixing knowledge with humor is one of the best ways I can think of doing this. I spend hours a day learning and researching, but then Margie and I share jokes with each other and watch a funny movie. Just like any machine, if you push a mind too hard it can burn out. Just like a well-running machine, you need the right fuel as well. If your diet consists of snickers and Mountain Dew or beer and cigarettes exclusively, you will certainly not be operating at your best mental capacity. A healthy nutritional diet with a good amount of physical exercise will help keep us mentally sharp as well.

We have many more homes than the house we live in and it is important we take care of all of them. As I promised here is a bonus location to ponder. We also live in the hearts of others. Think of how you leave people after you have spent time with them. It is important to take care of our homes in the hearts of others. Tell people they are loved and appreciated. Show them love, respect and genuine interest. If we take care of all of our homes, we will feel right at home no matter where we happen to be.

HOW WE SHOULD LIVE AND WORK

When asked how he continued to work well into his 90s, this quote was the answer that George Burns gave. “Fall in love with what you do for a living. I don’t care what it is. It works.” I came across this quote as I was at work, ironically. I began to think how the vast majority of us, 87% according to surveys, dislike what they do for a living. Several years ago I took this test that was supposed to reveal what it is you should do for a living. There were around 300 questions or so that were to reveal the inner you. Results showed that I was supposed to be a woman of the religious order. I double checked and ‘male’ was checked in the gender box. I do not think it is likely I would succeed as a nun. I wondered how the people I work with not only felt about the job they were doing, but what they would do if given the chance. I decided to ask several of my coworkers that very question, “If money were not a factor and you could do any job you wanted, what would it be?” Their answers not only surprised me, they taught me a very important lesson.

The answers were not at all what I expected. Some people stared at me blankly. Others replied with the standard “I don’t know” Those who took the time to really contemplate the question came up with answers I didn’t expect. You might think everyone wanted to be a famous actor or rock star. In this age of celebrity, you might even think people just wanted to be famous. Not the case at all. Some of the answers I heard were chef, sculptor, and even meteorologist. Personally, my dream job would be a talk show host. Two of my favorite things are drinking coffee and talking to people. As you can see not only were the answers varied, but they also were jobs that others might not find enjoyable.

Here is the conclusion that these answers gave me. People really just want to be happy. It isn’t about the fame or fortune for most of us. We all have different reasons, but we all just want to do something that makes us happy. What I thought was really interesting is that everyone wanted to do something different. If we did all do what it is we loved, we would live in a world that was a much better place. Going to work every day doing something you loved would put you in a great emotional place. As these answers showed me, jobs would be filled, just by people who really had a passion for them. I would encourage each of these people to begin to look at how they may be able to do a version of what they like on the side at the very least. Sculpt something at home, read books and study weather or, in my case, I am going to look at starting a podcast, which is kind of the modern version of a talk show. I would love to hear your answer to this question – If money were not a concern and you could do any job you wanted, what would it be?

THE SECOND COMING

My very first book signing

This picture was taken in July of 2013. I just learned that thanks to my beautiful Margie. (She is the breath-taking lady in the photo) It was the day of my very first book signing. That day I had absolutely no idea of what I was doing. Today, July 15th of 2021, will be the book signing for my second book. This time…well I still have no idea what I am doing. What I do know is that it will be a fun event and the lady that I love will once again be right by my side. I am expecting a lot more readers will show up and I will be blessed to share my books with even more wonderful souls.

I am certainly going to share with you how everything turns out, but there is one thing I wanted to mention. I find it interesting how important moments like this serve not only as an opportunity to celebrate, but to reflect as well. Sometimes we need to look back if only to see how far we have come. This book signing was done outside a local coffee shop in the village I used to work in. It was outside and could have been wiped out by some bad weather. Didn’t think of that I suppose. Book signing 2 will be inside of a local brewery and will be immune to the weather.

When I look back, what impresses me most is not that I figured out an inside book signing might be a good idea since books don’t do well in the rain, but all the other things that have changed. When I think about that day of my first book signing, it seems like a completely different lifetime. Not only has the world changed a great deal since then, but more importantly, so have I. Using a lot of the tools I shared with all of you in my first book A Happy Life for Busy People, I transformed my life and myself into something I can be a lot more proud of. I hope to be able to say the same thing in my blog post for my third book signing. My second book, Living the Dream, has so much more information including everything I have learned in the 8 years since my first book.

Although I am finding it great to reflect on all that I have learned and how much I have grown, it also serves as a great motivation to realize there is so much more that I know I don’t know. Read that again slowly, I promise it will make sense. When we reflect on the accomplishments we made and the personal growth we have achieved up to this point in our lives, we should be proud. After taking a moment to celebrate all of our hard work, let us realize if we want to be able to have that same feeling in the future we need to work at least as hard in the present as we did in the past, often harder. Let us use the great feelings we have, and deserve to have, to drive us to continue our journey of growth and personal development.

If you happen to be in the neighborhood this evening, Thursday July 15th from 6 to 8 pm, I invite you to join us at the Westallion Brewery for the release of a great book and the exchange of some great ideas. If not, you can still purchase your copy of either of my books from the link below. Stop back to this blog to hear all about how this book launch went.

Both titles available on Amazon



CLICK HERE TO GET YOUR COPY OF BOTH OF MY LIFE-CHANGING BOOKS

WHEN IT COMES TO PEOPLE, DIG DEEPER

I find this picture to be very true

In today’s instant gratification culture, fewer and fewer people take the time to read a book. As an author, this is not only deeply economically troubling, but emotionally as well. “I will wait until the movie comes out.” is a phrase that is heard more and more often. I can certainly appreciate that there are times when we want to experience a bout of entertainment from beginning to end and do not have the time for an entire book. Reading, however, allows us to exercise our minds in ways that watching a film never could. It is the difference between an active involvement and a passive involvement. Using our imagination to picture the story as we read the pages creates a depth (see picture above) that we simply don’t get from watching a movie. I am sure this can take things to a whole different level. I’m thinking Fifty Shades of Grey could have provided some interesting exercises in imagination.

As the old cliché goes, art often imitates life, or is it the other way around? Never was too sure about that one. The point is when it comes to life, especially in this social media driven world, this holds true. We often see people’s profiles online and think we really know everything there is to know about them. In reality, we are only seeing the tip of the iceberg. It is like watching a highlight reel of an athlete. You would think they never make mistakes. As human beings, we always have the urge to hide our faults, or more to the point, accent our strengths. We also have a tendency to judge based on the thought that we have all of the information. We never know what is happening behind the scene.

This week, I encourage you to take a deeper look and get to know those around you on a deeper level. Also, if you are brave enough, share a little more about yourself. Not just your highlight reel. Be vulnerable. Show the world the pain you struggle with everyday. Help the world get to know you. Just like reading a book will open up a whole other world that watching a movie never will, getting to know people on a deeper level will do the same for your relationships.