I did not intend to have this be a week about relationships, but it is Friday and here we are! I like the quote by Steve Jobs above, with a few caveats. I think after you have an experience where you connect the dots looking back, you can look ahead and begin to connect some dots and see a probable outcome. Sometimes, reflection is one of the best ways to guide your future. Does that sound confusing? Let me offer you a personal story to help better illustrate the point.
About a month ago, Margie and I visited the Bahamas. We had a great time. Part of the reason why, I believe, was we watched television. If you know anything about me, this is a shocking statement. I am not a really big television watcher. This, however, had a point to it. We watched a show called Bahamas Life. It featured people moving to the Bahamas, often from colder climates. They were given the choice of three houses and we tried to guess which one they would pick. We also told each other which one we would pick.
As the snow fell outside our windows and temperatures fell so low that polar bears were looking for sweaters, we watched scenes with turquoise waters and pink sand. It increased our excitement for our upcoming trip. After we returned from what turned out to be an amazing adventure, minus the air travel there, we were excited to continue watching the show now that we had more intimate knowledge of the places we were seeing. Sadly, there was only one episode left. What had become an almost nightly guilty pleasure was now over.
Here we are, over a month since we have returned to our colder northern climate and the most unusual thing happened the other day. I was returning from running errands for Margie while she created one of her culinary masterpieces. As I neared our house, memories of watching that show, snuggled next to my love, came flooding back. My thought was, “Wasn’t that a great memory? Finding a show about the very place we were traveling to.” At that very same moment, Margie has similar thoughts running through her head as well.
It was by connecting these dots looking backward that we realized what a magical moment that was. We were, indeed, creating a beautiful memory. What is the power in realizing that? Especially after it is all said and done? It is just one of many moments we can fondly recall to realize what a blessed and amazing life we have shared together. It will also allow us to keep an eye out for such moments that might be occurring in the near future.
Here is a picture of us from that fateful trip. Proof, as the Winnie-the-Pooh picture above so eloquently puts it, (Yes I did call Pooh eloquent) we didn’t realize we were making memories, we just knew we were having fun. How about you? Are there moments in your life that, looking back, you realize were amazing memories, but at the time just felt like you were having fun? I am sure there are. How about some in the future that might turn into some of the best memories in your life?
Last post, we took a look at the vital role that my love, Margie, has played in my self-growth. If you haven’t read that, I highly suggest you take a look. Today, we will answer the million dollar question, “How do you have a love that not only survives, but it thrives?” My fourth book, hopefully published this fall, will have an entire section devoted to creating a thriving relationship. I am going to give you two quick items to get you started. If you read to the end, there just might be a bonus item as well.
Isn’t falling in love great? Everything seems so new and fresh. You are constantly discovering new and exciting things about that special person in your life. What kind of toothpaste do they like? Do you both like the same kind of tortilla chips? How about salsa? Everything seems like one great adventure and you can’t imagine your life without them. What happens three years, three months or sometimes even three weeks down the road? You don’t care what kind of salsa they like, you just know you don’t like the fact they leave a dirty salsa bowl sitting on the table.
When we talk about ‘staying in love’ we are not talking about finding new ways to tolerate your spouse. No, we are talking about genuine passionate love and appreciation. We are talking about looking at the person across from the dinner table and honestly wondering how you got so lucky and being thankful you did. Does this sound like the “honeymoon phase” you hear everyone speak about? Can you not imagine that after staring at the same face for years? Do you feel your relationship is too far gone to ever have that feeling again? I am here to tell you that you can not only have that, but you deserve that. Come with me, I promise the journey to get there will be amazing. I say ‘journey’ because this is something that should never end. Think of your relationship like your fitness. If you get in the best shape of your life, and then stop working out, what happens? Do you stay in that shape? Of course not. It takes continual work, but the work is far easier and more enjoyable than the work it took to get in shape.
How can I say this with absolute certainty? Because I have been in the “honeymoon phase” with this lady for ten years! Constantly? No. We sure do have some ups and downs, but through it all our love stays alive and the magic may get challenged, but it never leaves. What is the secret? It is many things. Here is the first one – gratitude. You need to find reasons to be grateful for your partner all of the time. You also need to write them down. Why? If you keep them in your head, when the challenging times come, and come they will, it will be next to impossible to come up with them. Many people say, “Do I have to write down what I am grateful for in my partner?” No, you don’t. You also don’t have to have an amazing relationship either. The more work you put in, the more magic you will get out. Plus, let’s face it, writing down what you are grateful for about anyone is fun. You are thinking of the best of them and what they bring to your life. How could this do anything but increase the love and appreciation in your relationship? Now, when challenges come, take some time to review what you have written down. It is hard to remain completely upset at someone when you are staring at a sheet of things they do that add to your life. Especially when it is written in your own handwriting.
The second way to keep love alive is through pictures. Our minds think in images. When I ask you to think of a unicorn, what comes to your mind? An image of a unicorn. Not of the word unicorn. Not the sound a unicorn makes. (Anyone know what sound a unicorn makes?) No, your mind thinks in images. This is what makes vision boards to effective. If you want to keep the magic in your relationship, make a collection of images when you and your partner were loving, having fun or just being silly. I suggest having as many of these collections as you can. Have an album you can look at on your phone. There are places that can print out photo albums for you from those pictures. Imagine having that sitting on the coffee table when company comes over. They could see, and remark how in love you are. You could leaf through it at random moments to give your love a boost. One of the coolest ways is through those digital picture frames. You know the ones. They scroll through different images you download onto them. Image a frame that goes from one positive picture of your relationship to another. This can work for any relationship you have. Kids, parents, friends and, of course, loved ones.
BONUS ITEM!!!! If you read this far, here is a bonus item that will ensure your relationship stays fresh and passionate. That strategy is to have a compelling future for your relationship. If you have no idea why you are with this person, or where you want your life to go, it will be very difficult to keep love alive. above is a picture of myself and my very sexy lady in the Bahamas. We had such a great time meeting new friends, learning about the culture and exploring several islands. We already began talking about our next destination. Traveling the world is just one thing we have to look forward to in the future. The more compelling items you have in the future of your relationship, the more exiting it will be. Period.
Quick recap to a long post. If you want to keep your love alive, do these three things. First, list all the reasons you are grateful for that person in your life. Review these often and especially when you may not be feeling so loving. Second, have a collection of images that remind you of the special, and fun, bond you have. The mind thinks in images, so this will be especially powerful. Lastly, have a compelling future for the relationship so that you always have something to look forward to. These three things cannot only keep love alive, it can help revive a relationship that may be headed in the wrong direction. Putting these three items into play may have you feeling love you thought had left you a long time ago.
Today is uplifting Wednesday. It is a day filled with posts that encourage and give us that little bit of extra strength to make it through our journey. We are going to do things a little different today. I am going to share a little bit of my own personal journey. We will discuss how the growth happened, and what makes it continue to this day. It is my sincere hope that by doing this, many of you may take a look at your own journey and decide you can take your life to the next level as well.
A good portion of the people in my life currently have either come into my life, or became close to me in the last 10 years or so. As a result of this, they only know the current, or at least the last ten years, of the person I am. They somehow assume that I came out of the womb practicing and knowing the self-improvement tools and strategies that I use today. Although I have been in this field for over two decades, it really started to sink in roughly 12 years ago.
About that time, I was in a relationship of many years that was not healthy and honestly had probably ended long before it became official. Why? As is the case with all relationships, there was blame to go around. In reflection, judging my past self by the standards I have today, I was a terrible partner. At that point in my life, I was probably not even a very good friend or coworker. I was learning the tools of self-improvement, but my ego prevented me from putting a lot of them to use. It is impossible for us to make any change until we take an honest look in the mirror. This takes a lot of guts, ones I did not have at the time.
Two very important things occurred to change that. The first was a book I was reading – Theodore Rex by Edmund Morris. Not a self-improvement book at all, but a biography of Theodore Roosevelt. In it, I read about his father and some of the not so pleasant traits he had. I saw many of those traits in me. Good Ol’ Teddy’s journey too, was fraught with challenges that were not all that dissimilar to mine. He suffered from asthma as a young child. He also had many challenges where he had to build himself up on his own. That he did and he went on to become the leader of the free world, a hunter, explorer and many other things.
This inspired me. The “Hey, if he can do it, so can I!” way of thinking. Like I mentioned earlier, this was not a self-improvement book, but it really motivated me. I did the number one thing Tony Robbins recommends to change your life long before I heard him say it. That is, I raised my standards. It can be ok to be disgusted with what you see when you look in the mirror as long as you use that for motivation. I was sick of being anything less than the best version of me that I could be. At the time, I did not have many role models for what a good relationship should be, and my personal growth was so slow, that it wouldn’t have mattered much if I did. So, how did I manage to turn myself around and become, what I humbly say, is one of the hardest working men when it comes to relationships?
It all started with an argument with a lady with pink hair. I had met Margie months prior. We both happened to be coming out of relationships we had spent most of our lives in. One evening while we were hanging out as friends, endeavoring to get to know each other better, a disagreement occurred. When we are in a stressful state, we tend to revert to actions that are ingrained in us. This is what I did. If my memory serves, it turned out that I had a right to be upset. What I did not have a right to do, was communicate it the way that I did. I will never forget what the now love of my life told me. It was one simple line that changed my life forever. Was it a line from a romantic poem? Was it some sage advice passed down through the ages? No on both accounts. What she told me was the hard truth, and there was no denying it. She said, “Just because you are right, does not mean you can act like an asshole.” Doesn’t sound very life changing does it?
It was one of those moments, I don’t know if you ever had one, where you want to be upset at something someone said to you, but there is one problem – it is true. It was this moment, as well as many that followed, that Margie has held me accountable. Not to her expectations of me, but to the standards I have set for myself and our relationship. That is one of the great secrets of personal growth. Make sure the standards you have for yourself are higher than any outside expectation.
Not long after Margie and I got together, I recall sitting at a beer garden with my mother talking endlessly about this new, amazing woman in my life. In one of those moments of parental wisdom, my mother calmly informed me, “You know you will have a lot more arguments with Margie, but they will be a lot more productive.” She never could have guessed how right she would be. Not only has Margie held me accountable for the standards we have set for our relationship, and those I have set for myself, she has done something equally as amazing. Throughout our years together, I have watched her grow both in beauty and as a person. The more time goes by, the more amazing she becomes. I know the only way to not only keep a woman like that but, more importantly keep her happy, is to work equally hard on myself and our relationship. There is not a day that goes by where I am not working on something to increase the love between us and to become the best version of myself. Having an outstanding woman such as her in my life makes me want to be a better man and pushes me to do it now. That, my friends, is the power of love. Huey Lewis would be proud.
I hope this story has conveyed two very important points. First, no change can happen unless you are willing to take a long, hard, honest look in the mirror and identify what you will no longer tolerate in yourself and your character. That means no more making excuses. It means being painfully honest with yourself. This isn’t beating yourself up. In fact, it should excite you knowing that from this day forward you will continue to become a better version of yourself. This will help every relationship you have in your life. Not just your romantic one.
Speaking of relationships, that brings us to our second point. In any relationship, but most importantly your romantic ones, you should always strive to have personal standards that exceed any outside expectations. That includes both for the relationship as well as for yourself. It also means having a partner that knows those standards and is working on growth themselves. It means feeling gratitude and value for that amazing person in your life that makes you want to work harder. We are going to get into tools and strategies for doing that in our next post. These two items changed my life, and I promise they will do that same for you if you are brave enough to undertake them.
This really is one of the secrets to living an amazing life. Not to spend too much energy on things we cannot control. Instead of worrying about whether someone likes you or not, spend more time on making yourself the best you can be. That way, if anyone doesn’t like you, it is more about them than about you. Most of have heard the saying, “I might not be everyone’s cup of tea.” Here is one to consider. You could be the best cup of tea ever, and there will still be people who don’t like tea. I am a coffee person myself. That is to say, you could be amazing and some people still may not like you. Maybe they have prejudices or preconceived notions that have nothing to do with you.
Another example is focusing on what you can control in an uncontrollable situation. I dislike cold and winter. As I write this, I am looking outside at snow blowing and temperatures below freezing. Try as hard as I might, I cannot control the weather. What I can control is making sure I have warm clothes and a cup of hot coffee, as mentioned above. I also plan trips to warm destinations and try to convince the love of my life that spending the winters in the tropics is a far better idea. It is what I can control in a situation that I cannot control. Focusing on those things instead of trying to change the weather is a lot less stressful and a lot more productive.
Save yourself some stress and focus on what you can change. When you seem to be facing a challenge that is beyond your control, ask yourself, “What can I control in this situation that is beyond my control?” You may not be able to control your job downsizing, but you can control polishing your skills and networking to place yourself in a better position. You cannot control the economy at large, but you can control your own personal economy. Stress less. Worry less. Control what you can.
Today is April Fools Day. Not a holiday I am a fan of, but a good time to take a look at what makes a fool. After all, nobody wants to be associated with being the fool, not even on April Fools Day. As the quote above from Willy Shakespeare shows, one of the first sign of a fool is the belief they know it all. Never, in any situation, can anyone really know it all. There are so many different variables to consider, and the change so fast, that there is always more to learn. It has been my observation that people who act as if they know it all really suffer from a lack of self-confidence or a poor self-image. Where someone who is wise, knows that there is always more to learn and is not afraid to admit he has more to learn. The first way to be a fool is to think, and act, like you know it all.
The second quote comes from one of my favorite authors, Dale Carnegie. He wrote my favorite book, How to Win Friends and Influence People. If you haven’t read it yet, I highly suggest you do so. It will not only change your life, but the lives of everyone you come in contact with. Here, Mr. Carnegie points out a trait of fools. They criticize, condemn and complain. Not only does this make you foolish, it makes you unpleasant to be around. This was brought home by my friend Gonzo. We were chatting the other night and he said something I thought each one of us could be reminded of. He said, “Everyone can complain, but it doesn’t mean you have to.” What does complaining, condemning and criticizing do for us? Very little would be the answer. Much like our first example, people who do this usually have a poor self-image. They do so because it makes them feel more secure in themselves. It is far better to encourage, inspire and uplift. Second way to be a fool is to constantly criticize, condemn and complain.
Today, let us not to anything foolish. Instead of thinking we know it all or constantly complaining and criticizing, let us look to learn, listen and inspire. The way some folks act, fools day can be far more than the first of April. Let us be a light in the darkness, a wise soul in the company of fools. Be the best version of ourselves and leave the foolishness to the fools.
My mother suggested that I use more pictures of my favorite lovable bear, Winnie-the-Pooh, in my posts. This particular picture fits what we are going to talk about today. As you read this, it is the last day of March. This year, spring has seen its share of up and down temperatures where I live. The first day of spring was nice with the thermometer hitting about 50°. A few days later we got 8 inches of snow. For someone who dreads winter, and looks forward to the coming of spring, this is hard to take. Still, knowing the snow should only stick around for a little while, and the possibility of warmer temps any day now, makes it somehow easier to deal with. This thought was bouncing around my head the other morning as I drove to work on icy roads.
If this snowfall occurred in late fall, when the future held cold and more snow, it would be a little more depressing. Knowing that the snow would melt in short order, somehow made the stressful drive a little easier that morning. Same conditions, but the mindset was entirely different. What does all of this have to do with living an amazing life? It was a great example that mindset plays into the level of stress and ability to withstand challenges. It also demonstrated why having a compelling future allows us to make it through a struggling present.
A personal example is my fourth book. I am working on it as we speak. I know there will be long nights of writing thousands of words that may not even be included. There will be tossing and turning because sleep is prevented by ideas bouncing around in my head. There will be weeks of editing, which I enjoy slightly more than a trip to the dentist. If I placed my focus on that, it would be very hard to continue. What I am focused on is positively impacting the lives of millions across the globe! I am thinking about having a book signing that will benefit charity. Having that compelling future will allow me to push through all of the challenges I mentioned.
In your own life, have a compelling future for any endeavor you are embarking on. Another important aspect that we can use, is making sure that future is positive. My third book failed to live up to my expectations. Am I worried or concerned that my fourth might do the same? Not at all. It only drives me to make sure the quality only improves with this latest book. There are certain things beyond our control. We cannot worry about them. We can only focus on what we can control and do it to the best of our ability. Mindset can turn a test into a testimony.
It is Saturday so we will not take up too much of your weekend. I thought the above photo would make for an interesting challenge this weekend. If someone makes you happy, make them happier. What a great idea! Not only does it keep our focus on all the wonderful people in our life, but gets our creative juices flowing in a positive manner. How many people waste energy on getting even with someone who has done them wrong? Not only does this reduce you to below the unfortunate soul that did you wrong, but it does absolutely nothing to improve your own life. Every minute you waste on revenge is 60 seconds you could have spent on success.
Two examples from my own life are my mother and my Margie. My mother and I enjoy sharing things such as different coffee we have tried as well as coupons we get that the other may use. We also enjoy taking one another out for coffee and a good conversation. Margie does things to make me happy without her even knowing it. To this end, I am constantly working to find ways in which I can make her happy. This is one of the keys to our relationship being successful. We are always working to make the other happy. Not to mention, when your significant other is happy, the household is happy and thus, you are happy.
The conclusion of all this is that the more people you make happy in your life, the more happiness there will be. That is happiness for them, and happiness for you. Spending that 60 seconds on increasing the happiness in someone’s life, and therefore the world, serves us all. This weekend, if someone makes you happy, think of how you could return the favor. It doesn’t have to stop when Monday rolls around. This would be a fun and beneficial action to add to your lifestyle. Before you know it, your life will be filled with a lot more happy people. The best part? You will be one of them!
As the workweek winds down, many of us are looking forward to the weekend. The question is, what are you going to be focused on? One of the keys to living a positive and rewarding life is to focus on where you are going. Most of us focus on what is at hand. This is certainly helpful as we need to address what is going on at the moment. A few of us are focused on the past. What trauma we may have undergone or situations we have went through. This has its benefits as it helps us realize why we take the actions we take. How many of us are really focused on where we are going? This helps us to better focus on using the past to our advantage as well as what actions to take in the present. Why? The actions we take today will shape our tomorrow. If we do not think about where we would like to go, how do we know what direction to face and what actions would be the correct ones to take?
I like to think of it like driving. While driving, they advise you to look in your rearview mirror every 8 seconds. That is a good ratio to focus on our past. More often you need to focus on what is going on around you at the moment. This helps us know what actions to take to keep us moving along our journey. Should we turn right now? Will that be the best route to get where we need to go? We also need to look out our windshield 6 out of those 8 seconds (the other one I would suggest to check your speed and gages) This allows us to see what is in the immediate future. Is there a red light coming up? Do we need to begin to slow down? Does the street end? Is there a driver that looks like they may not stop at the red light? How many blocks until that turn?
This whole time we have to have our destination in mind. This will tell us what actions to take in the present. If you do not know where you are going, what is the point of getting in your car and driving? Same with life. If we do not have a destination, it is like getting in our car and taking random left and rights. We will get somewhere, but it will not be a destination of our own choosing. Even if we encounter road construction or a detour, which ca be compared to obstacles in our life, we will make adjustments and still proceed on our way to our destination. If we know where we are going, these may slow us down but they will not stop us.
One of the greatest issues in today’s world is that people really do not love their lives. According to research by Forbes magazine, 87% of us are going to jobs that we really do not enjoy. Spending 40 hours a week, plus commute, on doing something that drains your soul can certainly take some of your joy of living away. What about the times you are not working? They are usually filled with the stress of life and family responsibilities. Try to squeeze in some sleep and time is used up.
What this leads to for many of us is a “wake up, pay bills and die” kind of existence. My fourth book addresses this in great detail, but we are going to take a look at one of the most powerful tools that exists to go from surviving to thriving. That tool? It is gratitude. You probably have heard quite a bit about gratitude and how important it is for living a quality life. The reason you have heard so much about it, is because it works. I am sure most of us know this intellectually, but how many of us have a gratitude practice of any kind? If we stop and ask anyone if they are grateful for things in their life, they usually respond with a resounding yes. Still, most of us go through life focused on what has to be fixed, or what is wrong with our lives.
Gratitude can change every aspect of our life when we take time to not only focus on it, but stay in that state for at least a few minutes each day. My favorite times to do this is either first thing in the morning or right before bed. Here is why. First thing in the morning we set the tone for our day. Why not make it one of appreciation and gratitude? It sure beats leaving the house in a depressed or angry state. It will put us in a far better state to face the challenges ahead. Practicing gratitude right before bed gives us a sense of inner peace and allows our rest to be restorative. It will allow us to see that although the day may not have gone exactly how we wanted it to, there are still many reasons to be grateful.
Whether you choose to practice gratitude first thing in the morning, or last thing at night, make sure you spend at least a few minutes every day doing so. You could even do so on your lunch! That way you get a midday refresh. The reasons for doing so are many (increased immune function, reduced stress,etc.) The main reason is that is helps us fall in love with our life again. We have a little spring in our step. Want to make this even more powerful? Try expressing gratitude at least once a day. You will not only make someone else’s day better, but you will give your own heart an extra dose of joy. I would love to hear of any gratitude practices you use.
You hear a lot about seeing red flags in people these days. You hear about it on dating sites, on social media, and even in books and YouTube videos about relationships. It is good to have a list of signs that someone, be they friend or intimate partner, is not right for you. Being able to identify and set boundaries early on will certainly make life easier. Knowing when a person’s values do not match yours is crucial for long-term success in any relationship.
As I often do, this made me ask the question, “What about the positive side of this?” This was a little awkward as I asked this when I was sitting alone at a coffee shop, but I digress. Equally as important to knowing what you don’t want in a relationship, is focusing on what you do want. It may actually be more important as it has been shown we tend to attract to our lives that which we focus on. If you are constantly saying, “I am sick of meeting people who don’t have their life together.” That is what you will tend to see.
Instead, let us focus on what we are looking for. What are some of your green flags? Mine are people who are driven to improve their lives. I enjoy people I can discuss both new-age and self-improvement concepts with. Maybe someone with an appreciation for the tropics. People who have a general positive outlook on life tend to get a green flag from me. Anyone who has a grateful heart is a green flag in my book.
This is not to say that if someone doesn’t seem to match what you consider a green flag that you automatically discount them. We need friends that offer us a little contrast. Rather, it is to train our focus to notice those who share some of the character traits we find enjoyable. If we come up with a list of things that we consider green flags, it should also bring up a feeling of gratitude for those already in our lives that posses these traits.
Come of with some ‘green flags’ of your own. I have told you a few of mine. What are some of yours? There really is no right or wrong answer to this question. We all enjoy and value different things in people and in life. Knowing what we do want can help us notice when we see that in others.
SECRET 2 AN AMAZING LIFE 