I have written several times about the story of the lion and the gazelle. How every morning if Africa a lion and a gazelle both wake up. If the gazelle doesn’t run fast, the lion will eat it. If the lion doesn’t run fast enough to catch the gazelle, it will starve. Either way, they both have to run. On the surface, you would say they are both motivated by the will to live. There is one difference I noted. The gazelle’s motivation comes from an external source – the lion. If there was no lion present, the gazelle would just relax and watch Netflix, or whatever gazelles do in their free time. It is like the coworker who only seems to be busy when the boss is watching. Otherwise they might be in the breakroom…watching Netflix. Their motivation is based on an outside source.
The lion, on the other hand, has inner motivation – his hunger. If there is no gazelle present he will look for one or hunt something else. He has to eat. Here is an employee who has the work ethic to do a good job even when the boss is on vacation. They often come to work early or stay late. Their motivation is driven by a desire to do a good job, whether anyone will ever know.
How about you? Are you a lion or are you a gazelle? Do you need outside motivation to chase your dreams and goals? Are you running from and responding to every situation in life or are you laser-focused and running after your dreams? Does your realization that you are not quite the person you wish to be drive you to push to get better? If not, how could you develop this lion mentality? Can you only go “Beast Mode” in the gym, when you have got enough sleep, the sun is shinning and everyone in your household is getting along, or do you workout because it is Tuesday and that is what you do? Are you working out to impress everyone else, or because you want to be the strongest healthiest version of yourself?
One of the best ways to develop that inner motivation is to get clear on your ‘why’. What are the reasons you are chasing a goal? What makes is so important to you? What would you gain if you achieved it? What would you lose if you did not? Get clear on that and you will become a lion and pursue your goals and dreams with the ferocity of a lion on the hunt.
This is one of those post titles that sounds absolutely ridiculous, but if you stick with me, I believe you will appreciate the wisdom. Love can be a crazy and difficult thing at times. Doing your best to make sure your partner is happy and satisfied could, and should be, a full-time job. Put that responsibility on top of your job and you can feel worn out on occasion. In many cases, we use certain opportunities to wow the love of our life with some meaningful gift. Maybe jewelry, flowers, a new car or some other grand gesture. These are all well and good, but I do not believe they are completely necessary and often miss the boat when it comes to what love is truly about.
We often few love like we do these grand gifts. We see the romantic movies and have read the fairytales. We look for kings, queens, castles, and someone to come sweep us off our feet. Like love is either this grand thing, or it is nothing. Not only is that not realistic, but it is not sustainable. Yes, love can do amazing things, and yes, love can make you feel like royalty. Those moments are great, but they are the exception to the rule. What is love truly about? It is about toothbrush covers. What the heck does this even mean? Love is about being for someone day in and day out. It is about taking out the garbage when you are already tired from work. It is about taking time to listen to your partner’s day when you barely have energy to get through yours.
What does any of this have to do with toothbrush holders? It is those gently daily reminders that someone loves you that mean the most. We can often take them for granted. While diamond jewelry is certainly able to blow us away with romantic feelings, how often will we wear that necklace? How often does it get taken out and appreciated? I am going to share a little personal story about a gift that my love lady, Margie, got for me. One day she came home excited from the store and exclaimed, “I got us toothbrush covers!” Seeing the appreciative, although less excited, look on my face, she went on to explain. “You know all of the germs flying around your bathroom and how they can get on your toothbrush.” I must confess this is something she is far more concerned with than I am. Still, I thanked her and put the little device on my toothbrush. Months later, I happen to be brushing my teeth (I brush them everyday, this thought just took months to occur) when I took a second to look at that silly toothbrush cover. I thought about how concerned she had been about the germs we might get on our toothbrush and how excited she was to have found, and purchased a solution. In her way, she was showing how much she loved me. Every tooth brushing (Which I must again stress happens twice a day) I think about how much she cares and loves me and it is because of that toothbrush cover.
Gifts do not have to be large. If we look behind them, we can see that some of the greatest love is given in some of the smallest gifts. Twice a day I am reminded that my lady loves and cares about my health. You might not view a toothbrush cover as romantic, but that would be your loss. Perception drives performance. How I perceive that gift of the toothbrush holder makes me feel loved and cared for. When I feel that way, guess how I treat the lady who gave it to me? With love and appreciation.
I wanted to share a recent Facebook post I had. Before we get to that, I need to clarify why I am sharing this. It is a great example of how we can both make a stranger’s day, thus improving our world just that little bit more. As a bonus, you will see how this also can improve your life as well. To recap – you will be improving a stranger’s day, making the world a little brighter place, all while giving yourself a great feeling! Forget a win/ win situation. This is a win/win/win situation!
Here is the experience I posted about several days ago.
Further proof that doing something for others can be the most selfish thing you can do. I’m sitting here writing ✍️ and a little old lady walks in. She looked overwhelmed, confused and a little bit scared. She had obviously never been to a Starbucks before. The manager patiently explained everything to her. After some initial confusion, she seemed to grasp it. As i listened, an urge overtook me. As the manager rang up her coffee ☕️ and doughnut 🍩, I said, “let me get this young lady’s order”
Not sure what possessed me to do so. I guess I didn’t want her to think a coffee shop, or the world was a scary place. Funny thing, she may have gotten a coffee and doughnut, but I got a really good feeling knowing I might have made her day better.
Do something kind for a stranger. It may be the most selfish thing you do all day. ❤️
Something as simple as helping an elderly lady who was scared and confused improved her day, my day and made the world a little brighter for both of us. You may think you are doing the other person a favor, but really you are doing yourself, and the world at large, the bigger favor.
The great thing is these opportunities are around us every day! All we have to do is begin looking for them. Holding the door for the person behind you. Returning your shopping cart instead of leaving it in the middle of the parking lot. Taking advantage of the countless volunteer opportunities. Do a good deed today!
Coming up on the first full weekend of the new year. How are those resolutions going? Hopefully you made it a full 2 weeks. One of the reasons resolutions, or goals, fail is that we rely too much on motivation. Once motivation starts to fade, we are often unable to stay committed to our end result.
A great way to make sure that we stay on the path to our goals is to set up habits that serve us. Think of your goal for the new year. Is there a small habit you could set up to keep you moving in the right direction? Simple examples are swapping your coffee for green tea if you want to cut down on caffeine. Parking future away at stores if your goal is to increase your steps. Pick a time to tell your spouse one thing you are grateful for if your goal is to increase the appreciation in your relationship.
What is your goal? Is there a simple habit you can start before the motivation begins to fade? Let’s make the new year a success!
I am all about positive self-talk. I believe we need more of that. The world, and advertisers make a living telling us that we are not good enough. Sometimes, the only person cheering for you, might be you!
What we must remember, is to be honest with ourselves. We need to call ourselves out once in a while. This does not mean putting ourselves down. That is important to note. That being said, we need to stop making excuses for ourselves.
Getting frustrated and fed up with the person in the mirror can be one of the most productive things we can do. When I feel my writing is not going how I would like and I get frustrated, it usually pushes me to do something new and uncomfortable. This often results in some kind of forward progress.
This weekend, ask yourself if there is anything you are making excuses for in your own life? Is it not forgiving someone? Is it talking negatively to yourself? Is it not giving back as much as you should?
Eric Thomas, one of my favorite speakers, compares this to what you would do if a product from a storedid not live up to what it said it would. Would you go back to the store with a receipt and demand a refund? It is time you demand the same from yourself. Hold yourself accountable and make some positive changes. To assist you in that, I’m going to share a link to the video that I just mentioned. It is a 7 minute video. Make sure you watch until the end. I promise you that you will get a great boost of motivation.
How on earth can I be saying “Happy Birthday” to myself today when I was born in July? Well, a year ago to the day I had open heart surgery. During this fun and exciting (small dose of sarcasm) experience, I had a brief flirtation with death. To my good fortune, the Creator, much like every hotel I have ever been to, didn’t have my room ready when I checked in. So, back I came to the land of the living. Apparently, I still have some work to do before my shift on earth comes to an end. Some of the folks at my day job started referring to me as Lazarus, the friend that Jesus had raised from the dead in the bible.
You would think the whole ‘coming back from the dead’ thing would have you waking up to a radical shift in the way you view life and the world. I can tell you, at least in my case, that is not how it worked. I did have a new appreciation for the song Living Dead Girl by Rob Zombie. Beyond that, I was more focused on what was occurring in the present. Namely, the healing from the open-heart surgery and other exciting things that came with it. This is all chronicled in my third book, The Beat Goes On, which you can pick up at the link at the end of this blog. You can read what happened when I did briefly cross over and how it affected me. It is a fun and entertaining read I promise you.
Initially, there were far more changes to my thinking before the whole dying and being resurrected than after. I realized how what I left behind would end up being far more important than what I would take with me. That is something you can understand on the surface, but when you face the real possibility of not returning tomorrow, you wonder and worry if the people around you know how much you care about them. Did you leave enough life lessons to those who will come behind you? Did you say all that you had to say? Are all aspects of your life in order? There is a sense of urgency that develops. That is why I love the Native American saying “Today is a good day to die.” Meaning, if you live your life everyday as if you would die, then when it does happen, you will be at peace with it. As the days ticked down to my surgery, I also realized how fleeting life truly is. We never know how much time we have left, but we know it is less than the day before. It is like watching the sand go through the hourglass. We don’t know how much sand is on top, but we know it is getting less all of the time. This may sound a bit doom and gloom, but it really is not. The knowledge that one day you are going to die and it could be sooner than you think, is one of the best motivations to live life to the fullest.
One of the most interesting things that has happened since I came “out of the darkness and returned to the light” is that the lessons seem to continue you to come. I recall the first being the day I got out of the hospital. Having lunch with Margie and my mother, I recall looking around and realizing that few, if any of the people realized the lessons I had learned facing death and then returning from it. I wondered how many people knew about the hourglass? How many were focused on what they were leaving behind verses what they were taking with them? My greatest ‘birthday gift’ I received that day, was not only the revelations and lessons that were brought home emotionally and not just mentally, but the overwhelming desire to share as much of that knowledge with others. It began with my third book and continues with these daily blogs.
It should not take dying to realize how precious life is, but sometimes it does. Next time you look at an hourglass, I hope you develop the same urgency to make the most of your life that I do. Next time you spend a romantic evening with the one you love, or share a fun evening with friends, I hope you don’t pass on the opportunity to convey how much they mean to you. After reading this, I hope you focus a little more on what you will leave behind, and a little less on what you will take with you. If you want to help celebrate my second birthday with me, give me, and those you care about, the gift of sharing the inspiring words we share here with them. The more souls we can touch, the greater the impact we can make on this world. As a bonus, I suggest checking out the song Life is Beautiful from the band Sixx A.M.
A while back we talked about this blog being viewed in all but roughly 6 or 8 countries of the world. Some have political barriers that will not allow us to be viewed there. Others, like Greenland, are not so populated and may take some time to reach. I have been writing these posts for over 10 years now. (Has it really been that long?!) Sharing my journey and everything I have learned with all of you. Last year, I started my own podcast. You can connect to it by clicking the link at the end of this post. As of the writing of this post, it is followed in 6 countries. Quite the opposite of this blog. Still, I have only recording episodes for 5 or 6 months verses the 10 years of writing blogs.
While building an audience for this blog, I was reminded of lessons I give my life-coaching clients – build slowly. It is easier to add small positive steps in the right direction than to do a dramatic change in your direction. The same holds true for changes we wish to make in our life. If we have spent months on the couch eating pizza and watching movies, than going to the gym 5 days a week would be a stretch we may find it difficult to maintain. However, going for a walk after dinner, parking a little further away at the store to get a few more steps or simply finding a physical activity we enjoy helps us get started on the right path. I love the picture above because it shows little ways to get started doing big things. You want to begin a practice of meditation? Start by taking a deep breath before a sip of coffee. Want to journal, but find it difficult to sit down and write? Talk to yourself in the car. Not only will it get you in the practice of verbalizing your thoughts and feelings, as a bonus it will freak out the other drivers around you.
It any endeavor we embark on, doing so beginning slowly will give us the best chance to maintain these healthy habits. Want to cut down on your drinking? Start by consuming more healthy beverages such as iced herbal tea, (there are some delicious and functional options), green tea or of course, water. Want to cut down on your internet viewing? Try scheduling a fun coffee appointment with friends once a week. Would you like to know a secret to accomplishing goals and changing to a healthier lifestyle easier and with less stress? I am sure all of us would. Here is something I have discovered. It is far easier to add positive things in your life than to solely focus on eliminating something negative. When you focus on eliminating something negative, your brain encompasses a feeling of less, sacrifice or being deprived. “You mean I can’t eat all of the pizza I want and still lose that belly I have been carrying around?” If you focus on adding something healthier your brain either has a feeling of getting healthier at best, or at least does not have the feeling of lack at worst. “Wow, this veggie chili not only tastes good, but is good for me?”
In closing, focus on building slowly and sustainably. Little wins and accomplishments will help you gain and keep momentum as you are moving in the direction of a more amazing life. Focusing on quality changes instead of quantity also increases success. Instead of trying to go for a run, followed by the gym, followed by a yoga class, focus on doing 2 sets of 10 squats every day with perfect form. You will gain the momentum of sticking with a healthy habit. Soon, you will notice a difference, and that will not only help you gain further momentum, but may motivate you to add other positive changes. Build slowly, but keep building my friends.
The Marx Brothers are one of my favorite comedy groups to watch. This band of brothers always had a million laughs a minute. Often, it takes watching their movies 3 or 4 times to catch all of the humor. This quote from the leader of the merry bunch really had me thinking. A few posts ago, we spoke about how to maintain your positive vibes around people that are difficult to get along with. If you haven’t read that one yet, I highly recommend you go back and do so. Yet, there are more than just negative people that can get you down. We are going to talk about how to deal with many different challenges today. Oddly enough, they all have a very similar solution.
Groucho lets us in on a key aspect to remaining happy – control. When we let someone, as we discussed in the post previously mentioned, or something get us sad, upset or any other emotion we do not wish to feel, we are giving that person or thing control over us. We are giving that person or thing the ability to dictate to us our own emotional well-being. If we stop and think about this, it is very easy to understand emotionally. In practice, however, it can be quite difficult to manage emotionally. We get upset. We get down and sometimes end up in a sort of emotional funk. It happens to me. It happens to all of us. The secret to an amazing life is not to expect to eliminate these experiences all together. We are human and on occasion our emotions will get the best of us. I still get in a funk. This time of year, with the cold weather and lack of sunshine, it is always a possibility. The secret to living an amazing life is to reduce both the frequency that these moments occur as well as their intensity.
Above is another powerful thought. Happiness is a choice. It is not always an easy end, but in order to get to that end, we have to chose to make that our destination. I opened my very first book, A Happy Life for Busy People, with this quote from Abraham Lincoln, “People are about as happy as they make their minds up to be.” If you decide that a happy life is important to you, settling for anything less will not do. True, you will still get down as we discussed, but when you are feeling that way, you will still know that happiness is where you are determined to be. Noticed I said determined not would like to be, or prefer to be. What do we do when we are determined to live in a state of happiness and inner peace and the world seems to have the exact opposite idea? We get to work!
Another great quote from Mr. Lincoln. If we are responsible for our own happiness, and we want to be in control of our own emotional well-being, what do we do when things get us down? That is a great question. I recommend starting by appreciating what those feelings are telling us. There are often great lessons to be learned in times of pain. If all we do is try to ‘deny’ our own emotions, not only will we miss the great lessons we could learn from them, but they are likely to return with a vengeance. If you are feeling sad, angry, lost, lonely or any other emotion, my first suggestion is to ask yourself why you are feeling that way. Let us say you are reeling from the loss of a loved one. You should not admonish yourself for feeling bad. Losing someone you care about can be one of the most difficult things we experience. Realize that in order to feel great loss, we must have been fortunate to feel great love. That is a blessing that not everyone has. We also had the great opportunity to share many amazing memories with that person. Our life, and our heart, will forever have a hole where that person used to be.
Now, after we have honored and discovered our emotions, which can take as long as we need it to, it is time to get to work. Begin by asking ourselves what the lesson we can get from life in regards to this tragic event. Could it be to make sure we treasure every moment with people we have in our lives? It could be that we need to take more pictures, make more memories and share more with each other while we can. How about to live and love without regret? After we have mined our negative emotions for the lessons they can teach us, it is time to put those lessons into action. Reach out to someone we have been meaning to. Plan and create memories with those we love. Make sure we are not so busy earning a living that we forget to create a life. As we take these actions, we can feel grateful for the lessons and reminders that the negative emotions have given us. That can take some time, but in the end, I think we can honestly come to terms with them.
In order to return our heart to a state of inner peace and joy, it make take utilizing some other tools. Many of these can be found in my second book, Living the Dream, but we are going to mention a few here. You could get together with family or friends to watch a funny movie (like the Marx brothers), we could listen to songs off our happy playlist. We can spend some time in one of our favorite spots in nature. I cannot stress enough how creating a list of things that bring us joy BEFORE we experience an emotional challenge is so important. When we find ourselves in a negative state, it can be next to impossible to think of things that bring us joy. I am sure you can all relate. Having such a list handy can literally be a life-saver in some cases.
We used the example of losing a loved one in this post because that is about the most difficult situation any of us can face. The same strategy can work if we are facing the end of a job, the end of a relationship or even just a morning commute filled with drivers who seem to being ‘using the force’ instead of watching the road. Discovering the true source and reason for our emotions, finding the lessons contained within them and then taking actions to learn from them and return our hearts to joy will work in all of these. It will also allow US to have control over OUR emotions instead of putting the key to them in someone else’s pocket. Do you want to have control over your own happiness, or would you rather let someone else control you?
The picture above serves 2 purposes. First, it makes Margie and my cat-loving friends happy that I featured a cat in a blog post. (I am a dog person) Second, and more to the point of this post, it represents the kind of delusions that we are referring to today. People at my day job are always amazed that I am able to maintain a positive attitude in such a negative atmosphere. My response? “There is no law of physics or biology that states your mind and body have to be in the same place at the same time. I might look like I am here, but mentally, I am on a beach drinking out of a coconut!”
Above is me actually in the tropics enjoying a great book. The benefit to this way of thinking is that it reduces the stress that we may feel in any situation. There are 2 more interesting and important benefits that being slightly delusional can bring us. First, is acting as if the situation is already as you desire it to be, will help it manifest that much quicker. Let us suppose, if you will, that you want to be a best-selling author. If you conduct yourself as a best-selling author would, you would take interest in things that such a person would have interest in. You may find yourself speaking to publishers and literary agents. You will sign up to be part of author festivals. You will network yourself out to people a best-selling author would want to connect with. By taking these actions you will put yourself in position to succeed at your dreams and ambitions. This will make the percentage that they are likely to occur improve significantly. Once that happens, the second benefit will kick in.
Acting as if the situation has already reached our desired outcome helps us do one more thing – be prepared for it. What do I mean? Did you know that roughly 33 to 70% of people who win the lottery end up broke? This sounds crazy. Most of us think if I had a couple of million dollars, I could make it last a while. The truth is that if you are poor and you win a lot of money, you still often handle it like someone who is poor. You were not prepared to be wealthy.
Let us say you want to be famous. Maybe as an individual, or like in the picture above, part of a famous power couple. If you act and think like a power couple would before you become famous, then you stand a better chance of success. Knowing famous couples always have people trying to tear them apart. They look for anything that could be misconstrued as infidelity. Therefore, you make a conscious effort to make sure everyone knows that you are faithful to one another. Famous couples are often accused of being rude or mistreating others. It would serve us well to develop the habit of treating everyone with dignity and respect. That way when you are at the county fair being respectful to one of the vendors and they say, “I recognize you two from the internet! You are the cake designer and the guy who writes all of the motivational stuff.” You still smile even though they only got your lovely lady’s title exact. Margie and I even went on vacation 4 years ago (has it really been that long?) and no less than five people knew us in a foreign country! That has only continued to grow as her amazing creations are shared on internationally online and my influence continues to grow across the globe.
Look at this famous power couple 💑
Be a little delusional. Use it to your advantage. Practice what being a success would look like to you. It will reduce the stress you feel in life, help it manifest quicker and have you prepared when success does come. Delusions can be a little work. In the case of Margie and me, we work to make sure our love is strong and discuss what we would do if someone disrespects our relationship. That way as we continue to grow in service to others, we will be less likely to fall victim to any of the trappings that may bring. Ask yourself, “What delusion can I start living that will help me the most?”
Recently, a good friend asked me a question that I think we all struggle with at some point in our lives. To paraphrase her, “How do you maintain your good vibes philosophy around people you can’t stand?” Here is a basic challenge of life. Even while we are doing the best to live an amazing life, there are those dedicated souls who work tirelessly to do their best to make sure that doesn’t happen. Their motives differ, but they are a pain just the same.
How do we deal with these people? How can we mitigate the influx of negative vibes that are often thrown our way, without throwing a punch or a sarcastic reply in return? Trust me when I tell you that I get this. I work with some fairly difficult people. There are some in my family. I am sure that I am the difficult person for others sometimes as well. The best option, if you are able, is to eliminate or limit your exposure to these people as much as you can. Nothing is worth the price of your peace. Sometimes, this isn’t an option. You have to deal with your judgmental in-laws because you love your spouse. The office won’t move Jane to another shift because she is such a Debby Downer, or get rid of John because he is a proper ass to everyone. What do you do then?
Next to living in a bubble that protects you from what I like to call sunshine challenged people, what are your options? The first one is simple – develop an attitude of gratitude. You can do this in 2 ways. The first is being grateful that you do not have to be around them all of the time. Have you ever been around someone so toxic that as soon as they leave the air even seems fresher? I know I have. That is the gift they give. They make the time you are not around them that much better. As the cliché goes, without the rain, you would not appreciate the sunshine. It might be always raining in Jane’s world, but as soon as you are away from her, the clouds part and the sun comes through. It may even feel as though angels come down and start singing.
The second type of gratitude you can develop is almost comical. You hire these people. Not in a literal sense. Let me explain. Have you ever had a personal trainer? It is someone you pay to push your physical limits. At the end of every workout, you might be thinking to yourself, or out loud, “I pay you to make me feel like this?” However, a month later when you look in the mirror and see the results you are starting to experience, you feel a debt of gratitude. You are going to do the same with our negative friends. You are going to hire them as your personal emotional trainer. Let us face it, they do try our patience so they are making our patience muscles stronger. Struggling not to have an emotional meltdown when dealing with them? That is the emotional equivalent of your trainer at the gym yelling, “One more!” Except in this case it is usually one more stupid thing our friends have said or done. There is one very negative lady at my work. When she begins her monologue of what is wrong with our work place, the world and even on several occasions my lunch, I just look at her and think, “You don’t even realize that you are helping to make me a stronger and more resilient version of myself, do you?” Sometimes this even elicits a chuckle as I am thinking this to myself. By testing our optimism, our temper or our patience, these people are helping us work out our emotional muscles. Just like the trainer at the gym, we may question them in the moment, but a year down the road and we will thank them as we find ourselves more peaceful, patient and better able to keep our optimism.
The third suggestion I gave this young lady might be a little uncomfortable for some, but it often works when others fail. It works especially well on people who work on themselves to create the best life they can have. Like, a 3 time author who writes a self-improvement blog for an example. The third way to keep an optimistic attitude around people who seem to suck our soul is to call ourselves out. What do I mean by this? Ask ourselves some very difficult, but very empowering questions. Ask yourself, “If you are going to work so hard on every aspect of your life only to let Jane the soul sucker ruin your day?” or “Is your well-being and peace of mind so cheap that you would hand it over control of it to John, the jerk of the office?” One man put it very succinctly, albeit in rather colorful language, when he said, “I will not be their bitch.” Meaning, he would not allow others to dictate his well-being. This takes practice and a lot of patience. You may not succeed at first, but once you do, it is so worth it. As a bonus tool of empowerment, I find listening to the track “Ain’t my bitch” by the band Metallica can really pump you up.
Challenging and negative people are a fact of life. They can be found almost everywhere. These 3 tools will help us deal with them without sacrificing our peace of mind. If you have any secrets to an amazing life that you use in dealing with someone who gets under your skin, please share. The more tools we have in this area, the better!
SECRET 2 AN AMAZING LIFE 