Tag: Relationships

IT IS ALL ABOUT CONTROL 🛂

Here is something that is simple to understand, but far from easy to do. That is not to let outside circumstances and people control your emotions. This is more difficult the closer the people are to you. The more they mean to you, the more emotional reaction they can cause you to experience. That is, only if you let them. I am not advocating you become an unfeeling zombie. Far from it. What I am advocating is to not only control, but choose what emotions you feel.

If you are one of the 95% of people who go through life without taking a look inwards, this concept that you have any control of your emotions may seem foreign to you. Here is the truth. What you feel depends on the meaning you assign to someone’s behavior or words. If a stranger walks up and tells you they do not like you, it may bother you but beyond that you will go about your day. If a good friend tells you the same thing, it has a far greater impact. The emotion you choose in response to that will dictate your behavior, which will go a long way to deciding the fate of not only that interaction, but the life of the friendship.

This becomes even more difficult when the person’s behavior is down right disrespectful. Even then, you have the option, as Sun Tzu so plainly put it, to respond intelligently. You may ask what some man named after a star has anything to do with your life. Sun Tzu wrote the amazing book, The Art of War. It not only has timeless advice for military combat, but can be applied to your business and personal life as well.

When you pause and choose how to respond to a situation, you take control of that situation. In the case of our friend telling us they do not like us, we can choose several ways to respond. We can be defensive and inform them that we no longer like them. We may even go on to list their faults and how we feel we are better than them. That is responding from a place of hurt and anger. It will not only do little to solve the original complaint our friend may have, we have now widened the chasm between our hearts. If we are interested in maintaining this friendship, it would serve us far better to respond with a genuine caring and inquisitive question about what made our friend change their mind about our relation. We not only may preserve the friendship, we may also make room for it to grow and become closer. As an added bonus, we may learn something about ourselves.

I am not a fool to think that this is an easy process. I still struggle with it on occasion as well. What we must understand is that when we allow someone to affect us emotionally, we, in effect, become their servant and they become our master. We relinquish control of the situation and the repercussions that will result. A far wiser and more intelligent response would be to consider what outcome you wish for the situation. Another question to ask yourself is the effects of the negative emotions on our mental and physical well-being worth handing over control to our emotions? As I said in the beginning of this post, it is not easy. We need tools and strategies, many of which can be found in the articles on this website, to help us gain control. The price we will pay to do that will be well worth it.

“NO”VEMBER 🚫

As our calendars flip over to November, let us take advantage of the first two letters of the month. What do we need to say “No” to more in our lives? What do we do that steals our joy and robs us of living an amazing life? Is it getting stressed on our morning commute? Say “No!” to that. How? Maybe by bringing an audio book, or our happy playlist along while we drive. If you are not sure what that is, feel free to check out either of my first two books for a better explanation. Is it going to a job that steals our soul? Say “No!” to that. How? Either by finally leaving that job to find something more aligned with your purpose, or maybe finding things to be grateful for at work to focus on.

This month, ask yourself, “What should I being saying “No” to more in my life?” Once you figure out what that is, you can begin to think of ways in which you can do so. Make it fun. Make it a game. Enjoy the process and know for sure that you will enjoy the results!

ONE WORD THAT MAKES ALL OF THE OTHER WORDS BETTER ☝️

Have you ever had something you really wanted to do, but life kept getting in the way? That is the story of this post. The idea came to me at work a few days ago. The more I let it bounce around in my head, the more I realized how important it was to living an amazing life. I could not wait to sit down behind the keyboard and put my thoughts together. Then, life happened. There was a DJ gig for elementary school children. That was two straight hours of screaming. There was checking in on someone’s cat in a snowstorm. FYI, I am not a fan of cats or snowstorms. It seemed like every time I wanted to sit down and write, something came up.

Today, I determined that after my 9 hour shift, I was going to stop at a coffee shop on the way home and get these words out today. Only to discover that the Wi-Fi at the coffee shop was not working with my computer. Ironically, this plays into the very subject that we are going to discuss today. As the title says, one word to make all of the other words better.

It began with a text conversation I was having with this lovely lady right here. Margie and I have a really great relationship, but just like everyone else’s, it needs looking after and requires a lot of work and effort on both of our behalf. This particular morning, I was mentioning that we could stand to focus more on a certain area that was getting slightly neglected. Margie agreed, and we began to come up with solutions to do just that. I began to think of what are the aspects of a relationship. You have friendship. You must be able to be your partner’s best friend and all that goes with that. There is romance. You must find ways in which to capture their heart and make them feel like they are floating. Lastly, there is sensuality. That is what separates a romantic relationship from a platonic one.

The crazy part of having a successful relationship is that one of these areas always seems to need a little attention. If you have been supporting your partner, trying to places for dinner and exploring new museums together, the friendship side feels pretty strong. Then your partner asks if you still love them? Your first thought may be, “What the —–?” Before you realize that all of those things, while enjoyable, were quite platonic. So, you become diligent with expressing your loving feelings, maybe even brought home some flowers and spent hours walking in the park holding hands. You are starting to feel confident when you partner asks, “Are you still attracted to me?” You realize that although you have been loving, you need to be more sensual. You plan a weekend a weekend getaway, a nice bottle of wine and some alone time in bed with the two of you. After a pleasurably exhausting weekend, you partner asks if the two of you should spend more time working on your connection, by say exploring new places to eat or museums together.

It occurred to me how much an ideal relationship is a balancing act. Yes, balance is the word that makes every word better. When you pay attention to one aspect of your relationship, another gets less attention. When you start to pay more attention to the one that is being neglected, then a third pops up, and so it continues. We need to discover what are the important areas of our relationship and work on providing balance to them. Often, when one person in a relationship feels unhappy or even unsatisfied, it is not that anything is wrong, it may often just be unbalanced.

You could literally go through the dictionary and pick out a word and discover the important balance needed in a relationship. Let us take communication. To me, that is one of, if not the, most important aspects of a relationship. There must be many balances in communication. You must communicate your love in both verbal and not verbal ways. You must balance what kind of communication you are giving your partner. Is it loving? Is it supportive? Is it encouraging? I think we could all agree a little of all of those would make a great relationship.

While reading this, and even while I was thinking of it, the fact that there is a lot of work involved here did not escape me. Do you know what that means? There is also a lot of opportunity to make your relationship better! Even if it is great right now, there are ways in which you could use a little more balance. In what areas could your relationship use a little more balance? Can you imagine how much more loving and strong your relationship would be if you worked on creating that balance?

CAN YOU GET RID OF THIS?🤔

I’m one of those people that have way too many old clothes in their closet. Shirts from runs I did in the past. Shirts from places I’ve vacationed. They all seem to have memories attached to them. Maybe I’m just too sentimental? Regardless, we all have something difficult to part with

As the quote above says, one of the most difficult is an old version of ourselves. That is why moving on from an old relationship can be so hard. It is also why overcoming an addiction can be almost impossible. Tony Robbins has said one of the most powerful things to a person is their sense of identity.

This is why how we view things can be so vital to our success. If we say, “I am a procrastinator.” That is our identity. If, on the other hand, we say, “I’m a person who used to procrastinate, but now I’m ready to change!” That does not tie our actions to our identity. Just because you have always done this or that, does not mean you are doomed to repeat that action for eternity.

What old versions of you are you ready to let go of? Better yet, what new versions of who you are, will you be willing to give birth to?

A NEW FRIEND, A GREAT CAUSE 🔥

Last post, I spoke about Margie and I recently attending a Pow Wow. We further discussed the great sense of community and I told you that we made a new friend who represented a great cause. Today, I would like to share a little bit more with you about that cause and how you can help, if you would like.

The cause is called HIR Wellness (Healing Intergenerational Roots). Their website says that they are “Providing the next generation of care to victims of crime through a survivor and women-led organization.” This is huge. Victims of domestic crime and violence can face an intimidating, and often frightening, road to recovery. This can include having to go through people who often resemble those who committed the very crimes they are doing their best to heal from. Having an organization run not only by women, but by survivors themselves, can lend a feeling of safety and understanding for those seeking help.

We met our new friend Averie, who is the community outreach and stewaredship specialist, at one of HIR Wellness’s CAMPsites. This stands for ‘Community Activated Medicine’. At these campsites, they provide many different services. Including, but not limited to, Wellness-checks, social, emotional and grief support and culturally responsive healing-informed practices. They also teach coping skills and healing interventions and offer triage for more urgent needs or concerns at these CAMPsites as well. By bringing licensed mental health and trained wellness providers, community healers and advocates to shared community spaces, they are helping to overcome many of the obstacles that prevent those who need care the most from getting it. This can range from living in an under-served area to transportation issues.

We have only begun to touch on the amazing work that HIR Wellness does. There is so much more. This includes their virtual work, their healing podcasts and many other services they offer to victims of domestic crime and violence. I cannot encourage you enough to click on the link below to go to their website and learn more about this amazing organization, and more to the point, how you can help support them. If you know of someone who could use their support or services, please share this information with them. Feel free to share this post on your social media and help to get the word out as well. Thank you so much for joining me in bringing to light a very important resource for those in need.

PLEASE CLICK HERE TO LEARN MORE ABOUT HIR WELLNESS AND HOW YOU CAN SUPPORT THEM

REFRESH YOUR SOUL📿✝️🕎☪️

Here at Secret2anamazinglife, we focus a lot on self-care. The reason being is that by taking care of ourselves, we put ourselves in the best position to take care of others and the world at large. In addition, by practicing self-care, we are far more likely to become the best version of who we are. This includes taking care of our physical bodies through diet and exercise. This gives us the energy and vitality to pursue our goals and dreams. It involves taking care of our minds. Keeping our intellect sharp, and constantly developing, will position us to grow and contribute more. There is one more area that we need to focus on. This area will not only give us energy like our physical body can, it will also help us reduce stress and increase inner peace. This will allow us to grow and develop and help safeguard our mind.

What is this area? This area is that our our soul, our spirit. It is important to take care of the fire that burns inside of you. There is no right or wrong way to do this. The only right is to do it. The only wrong thing is to not do it. For some of you, this may be rituals involving your faith. For others, it may be connecting with certain people. Some may find that spiritual connection in the woods. Some may find it in all of these. I would like to share one of the ways in which I refresh my spirit.

This past weekend I attended the Hunting Moon Pow Wow. For those of you who may not be familiar with what a pow wow is, allow me to explain. A pow wow is a gathering of Indigenous people that allows them to share traditions, celebrate their culture and honor their ancestors. It has a great sense of community and many people look forward to seeing each other at these events. There are drumming and dancing competitions as well as moments honoring veterans and an invocation blessing all of those in attendance. They used to have several where I live, but now are down to this one a year.

One of the best ways to really feed your soul is to do this with others. That is why many religions gather in groups. Being surrounded by others also looking to feed their soul only amplifies the effect it has on everyone. I am so lucky to be able to share this event with the love of my life, the beautiful Margie. Doing this together brings so much joy and happiness to my soul, it is hard to even convey it in words. Not only to a feel ‘spiritually refreshed’ for lack of a better description, but it strengthens the love I feel for her. We tend to meet and make friends with many new people. During grand entry, which is when the dancers enter the arena, we sat next to a very nice family and shared some stories. We also met a very helpful lady who runs a great charity. More about that next post. All in all, we left feeling very happy and also very full from the amazing food.

Today, make taking care of your spirit and your soul part of your routine. Whether that is reading from a spiritual book that speaks to you, attending gatherings of faith, prayer or meditation of your faith or a day at the beach or in the woods, take care of your spiritual side today. Without doing so, you will not be the best version of you. By doing so, you will be able to do everything better.

BOY, THAT’S SWEET! 🍨

Today, at least in part of the country, we celebrate Sweetest Day. It is a holiday that started in Ohio in 1921. It was started as a way to encourage women to treat their male romantic partners with sweets and candy. This really wouldn’t work in my case as I am not a huge fan of sweets and candy. This is a good thing when you live with a woman who is an amazing baker. I fear if I was a big fan, I would be bigger than my house right now. The holiday has expanded in recent years to include showing love and appreciation to anyone in your life. This includes family, friends as well as significant others.

I am going to take it one step further. I think we should show love and appreciation for everything sweet in our life. Right now, I am sitting in the sun, with a nice cup of coffee typing away. To me, this is a very sweet situation. I was recently asked to speak in front of a congregation for a church I do not even attend. That was also pretty sweet. I have a job that pays me a pretty good wage. Not exactly what I want to be doing, but still it is pretty sweet that I am employed. I have great friends that care about me. I have three books that I can use to reach and inspire people I do not even know. This particular blog is viewed by over 100,000 people in over 200 countries. That is sweet!

Many people just cynically say things like, “Oh, that is just a Hallmark holiday.” As a note, although the holiday started in 1921, Hallmark did not start making Sweetest Day cards until the 1960s. I am sure confectionaries and floral shops have a vested interest in keeping holidays like this alive, but who cares? Instead of dismissing something as an example of corporate greed, why not put it to use in our own lives? Why not use this holiday to fill our lives with more joy and love?

Here is another way to do so. In addition to thinking of all the things that may be sweet in your life, how about thinking of how many different ways things are sweet? Above are pictures of my beautiful lady, Margie. How many ways is she sweet? In addition to the fact that she is often covered in powdered sugar from baking, there are so many ways she is sweet. The first picture is of her sweet smile. It always melts my heart and brings a smile to it as well. The second is one of the million silly faces she makes. Not only does she always look cute as can be, but I am happy she shares them with me. That is quite sweet! The third one reminds me of her sweet kisses. Some of the best medicine that money can’t even buy! Sweeter kisses? I don’t know of any. The fourth and last picture is of her after one of her tough workouts that she does. Keeping herself healthy and working hard on herself? That is sweet indeed! Those were just 4 things about my amazing lady. I would share more, but I am already going to be in trouble for posting these four pictures. There are so many sweet things about her, I could go on for hours. That, in and of itself, is something sweet!

It doesn’t have to be your significant other. It can be your child, your friend. It can be a coworker or someone who means a lot to you. Here is the great thing, it doesn’t even have to be a person! It can be your favorite place to relax. It can be a park or beach you really like. It can be your favorite book. It can be your favorite coffee. There are so many things in life that are sweet. If we think about even a few of them and ponder what we love and appreciate about them, guess how we will be feeling? You guessed it, pretty sweet! I would love to hear some of what you find sweet in your life! Forget the cynical view of a Hallmark holiday. Use this to fill your heart with love, appreciation and gratitude!

LET THIS GUIDE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE 🧬

I apologize in advance for two heavy posts in a row. Part of the reason we, at Secret2anamazinglife.com, exist is to give you new ways of thinking. Marcus Aurelius, whom we get the quote above from, has given us a lot of things to ponder. If you have read my book, The Beat Goes On, you will know how this quote was really brought home to me. If you have not read that amazing book, what are you waiting for? In all seriousness, I was faced with the possibility, and it turned out probability, that I would die while undergoing open-heart surgery.

When I share that story, people often compliment me on my perspective of the whole event. I hear things like, “I wonder if I would be the same way if I was faced with that situation?” Here is a fact to consider, you are facing that situation. Sure, nobody may be coming to saw your chest in half and slice and dice your heart, but we never know what is around the corner. When you were born, the hourglass was tipped over and the sand began to run out. Here is the tricky bit, we never know how much sand is on top.

While the above may sound a bit doom and gloom, it really isn’t. Every morning we put our feet on the floor, the sand is running from top to bottom. When we do things like assuming people know how we feel, or how much they mean to us, we could be doing them a great disservice. Marcus Aurelius was quite correct when he said, “You could die right now.” Not a very cheery outlook, but that does not make it any less true. In my case, I had an aneurism, which had it exploded, the game would have been over. I honestly had no symptoms. If it were not for a slightly related item, I would have never know until I fell over dead.

How much sand is in the top of your hourglass? When are you going to slip into the great beyond? How is it going to happen? If you answered anything but “I don’t know.” to these questions, you have a power unknown to most humans. Here is another thing to consider, the same holds true for everyone else you know. One day they could be here, the next they could be gone. Again, kind of morbid sounding, but true. This is why we should be living our life to the fullest each and every day. Do not be afraid to ask the deep questions. Do not be afraid to make yourself vulnerable and share those feelings. What if it was your last chance to do so? At one point, it will be.

It is my suggestion to take the quote above and make it a guide for the rest of your life. When I was looking at what could possibly be my end, I discovered what I thought was important was not at all what was in my heart. It is not about obtaining a certain level of success. It is certainly not about reaching a certain monetary or material level. I can only share what was important to me at that moment. When I realized I may only have a few months to live, it was about leaving people with the knowledge of how important and beautiful they were. This was true especially for my lovely lady and those closest to me. It was also true for all of you reading these posts. I wanted the world to know that each one of us has a gift and something beautiful worth sharing. Something that will be lost when we are gone. My focus was on creating lasting memories. Remember your last breath may be your next one, what will it be used to say? When you find yourself a little too focused on the material things that the world wants you to believe is important, think of this quote from Denzel Washington.

WHAT ARE YOU PLANTING THIS WEEKEND?🌿

One of my favorite poets, thanks to Mr. Earl Nightingale. I love the point made here. Life is about what we can leave behind. Making a true difference in the world comes down to creating, or in this case planting, things that we may never benefit from, but that can make a great difference for generations to follow.

This week as we go about our work, let us keep this question in mind, “What are we planting?” Are there things that we are creating that we may never see the benefit of, that will make a difference to future generations? This is the importance of being a good parent. You may not live to see all of the wonderful things your children will do, but raising them right and giving them the tools to do so can change the world after you are gone. Knowing that what you are doing makes a difference, can give hope and inspiration to your day. I would love to hear what you are planting.

WATCH MY LATEST INTERVIEW 👨‍💻

I had the esteemed honor of appearing in the Peak Physique Podcast recently. It was a great discussion on how I became an author, a little about my books and included many great pieces of advice to begin your journey to a healthier and more rewarding life.

If you could use some tips on reducing stress, increasing joy and improving your mental health, then you owe it to yourself to watch this quick interview. Not to mention it contains two very charming and good-looking fellows 😉

CLICK HERE TO WATCH THE INTERVIEW 😃