Tag: relationship problems

REGAIN THE MAGIC IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP🎩🌹

The old cliche says that “Youth is wasted on the young.” I think all stages of life have their place and their wisdom you can only gain at that time. Almost nowhere do I believe this is more true than in the area of love. We all remember early crushes and all those crazy days in our teenage years. Hormones barely allowed us to understand ourselves, much less have a healthy constructive relationship with another person experiencing the same thing. They sure could be intense though! Like a fire that burns so hot it eventually consumes itself. Intense? Yes, but often fleeting. It is easy for teenagers to spend equal amounts of time in both heartache and falling in love.

The secret to lasting love, I have been told, is to create a slow-burning fire. Warm embers, if you will. It may not have the extreme passion of the relationships of youth, but it will keep you warm and you will not get burned. I respectfully disagree. While being warm has its advantages, as I write this it is around freezing where I live, sometimes you just want to be hot. True? What is my plan? How can a relationship burn hot but not end up consuming itself? I say, buy a fire-proof suit and find yourself a bunch of kindling. Let us look at both of those shall we?

Getting a fire-proof suit is something we don’t think, or know, about when we are young and first experiencing love. It is an investment many of us never choose to make, despite the lessons love will teach us. A fire-proof suit is protection from the fiery flames of passion. You may be thinking “I don’t need protection from passion!” You may even being wishing there was a little bit more of it in your relationship. We will get to that next. What we must understand is, much like fire, passion can give our relationship life, or burn it to a crisp. When there is a lot of passion in a relationship, everything becomes more intense. That means in addition to levels of romance and sensuality, negative emotions can be just as intense. It is this experience that can cause the end of the “Honeymoon period” of relationships and why that is even a thing.

After getting burned by the flames once too often, many couples decide if things were a little less intense, it may not be a bad thing. While this seems to work great for arguments and hurt feelings, it creates collateral damage. Passion is generally an all or nothing affair. You cannot take it out of disagreements without it affecting the romance and sensuality. That is why you will not see many older couples in heated arguments, but you also won’t see them displaying intense forms of public affection either. They have sacrificed passion for longevity. It is a bittersweet proposition indeed.

They lowered the flames because they did not want to get burned. What they should have done is invest in a fire-proof suit. What on earth do we mean by a fire-proof suit? Investing in tools that help you channel the passion you will experience into a healthy and growing manner. It is literally the difference between starting a fire in the fireplace, or starting your house on fire. Both will warm you up, but one will leave you hurt and homeless. Is that what you want for your relationship? I have listed 3 amazing books that can help you in that regard. The first was a recommendation from one of the readers of this very site. Eduardo in Italy brought this book to my attention. It is currently on the way from Amazon. Creating miracles in the communication of your relationship? That would be helpful. The other 2 are favorites of mine. The 5 Love Languages helps you understand the way you, and your partner, both give and receive love. Do you think that might be just a little helpful? I have learned more from this book than almost any other. I say that because the other book, How to Win Friends and Influence People, is my favorite book of all time. I have read it more than ten times. It gives you tools and strategies to effectively communicate your emotions and feelings. Fellas, this could save your relationship.

The second part is to find more kindling to keep the flames burning. This is a challenge that grows more difficult as the years go by. It should be a fun challenge, however. Kindling is anything that increases or just adds a dose of passion to your relationship. This can be trying new things intimately. It can be discovering new ways to make your partner feel intense love. It can involve things that strengthen your connection. Perhaps showing your partner the beauty, sexiness or pride that you feel towards them in new and exciting ways. In some ways, this becomes more difficult the longer you have been together. You have done and tried so many things, how can anything be new and exciting?

Much like trying to burn the same piece of wood over and over again, doing the same things over and over again in the relationship will generate less heat until it doesn’t do anything at all. What is the solution? It is going out and finding new wood, or kindling. What the hell is that? It is finding new restaurants to try. It is cooking new dishes at home. It is taking classes to learn something new together. It is going to the movies, seeing a comedy act and dates of all kinds. It is finding new things your partner may find romantic. That could be flowers or jewelry given for sole reason that you love them. It can even be as simple as taking the time to create a personalized poem that expresses your unique love for each other. Reading classic poetry, such as the Brownings, may inspire you. I would go into details of intimate adventures you could try, but my mother reads my blog, so I will leave that research up to you personally.

One of the ways that this will become easier as you grow older is that your knowledge of your partner should also increase. How does this happen? In so many ways. Look at your partner as a mystery to solve. Which, at the heart of it, mysteries aren’t we all? You are the detective. A good detective hones their skills of observation. Watch your partner. When you go to the grocery store, what brand of mayo do they go for? This may seem unimportant, but knowing what brands they like can help you come home with just the right surprise. Use active listening with your partner. When they are telling you a story, maybe even one you have heard before, look for things that you can learn about them. Are they telling you things they like? Things that make them upset? Listen with the intent to learn. Ask questions if there is something you need clarification on.

All this may sound like work, but it is really fun once you get the hang of it. There are many other fun activities that can allow you to learn great things about your partner. I like those books of personality tests. I always find them amusing. They now have conversation decks with open-ended questions. Some specifically geared towards couples. Taking a class together can be fun. Even a walk in nature can allow you to get to know your spouse better.

The great thing is that people are always changing and evolving. Yes, this means you will never completely solve the mystery. Why would you want to? Relationships should not be something you stop working on. Just like your physical fitness, if you stop working out, you do not stay the same. You need to keep working on it. Same with your love fitness. Is that even really a term? It is now. The more that you learn about your partner, the more magic you will discover. The more I learn about my lovely lady, the more magical and beautiful she becomes.

Here is a bonus tool to use to see more magic in your relationship – gratitude. Finding as much as you can to be grateful for in your partner is one of your best uses of time. I suggest taking at the very least 5 minutes a day to do this. It can be on the drive to or from work. It can be first thing in the morning, or last thing before bed. It is not only about being grateful for all the wonderful things that your partner does, but even some of the things that drive you crazy. If you can find the gratitude in that, your relationship will be a never-ending source of magic. Margie and I wish you the greatest luck in your quest to discover the magic. We look forward to having you join us in living in a relationship full of passion.

HOW TO AVOID THE DANGER FACING EVERY RELATIONSHIP AND FALL MORE IN LOVE THAN EVER BEFORE! ❤️

Your relationship is in danger! This includes not only friendships, but most importantly your intimate relationship. In fact, this is the one that may be in the greatest danger. What is the giant threat facing your relationship? Before we get to that – a warning. This threat may seem like not such a big deal. Trust me it is. If you value any, or all, of your relationships, take notice of what we are going to talk about today. More important than taking notice, is taking action. If you do, you will not only neutralize this dangerous threat, you will deepen your relationships and fall more in love than ever before. This is true whether that love is romantic or platonic.

The threat facing all relationships, be they friend or lover, is society’s tendency to focus on what is wrong with someone or something. I cannot recall how many times at work I see people gathered around complaining about they person they are in a relationship with. If someone doesn’t add to the conversation, they are looked at as a little odd. I never understood this. Why would you want the person you are with look anything less than beyond perfect? By making them look bad, what does that say about you? Here is the true danger – it gives others something to remind you of and to add to. If you want success in your relationship, share as much of what is right, and none of what is wrong. This holds true double for social media. Raise your hand if you know a couple that is constantly breaking up and falling in love online? Same two people. Depending on the day, they are either convincing you the other is the bottom of humanity, or they are the reason they get up in the morning. Do you know how that makes the two of you look? Like a couple of clowns.

Another thing that sharing negative information about friends, or worse the person you love, does is give others ammunition. There are always people who wish to break up friendships and relationships. Maybe they are jealous of your happiness? Maybe they want the friend or spouse you have? Whatever their motive, sharing your problems or negative thoughts gives them something to work with. They can either take that information and spread it to others, often including the person you were discussing, causing a further rift in the relationship. They can also remind you of these negative thoughts. A somewhat innocent comment like, “I know things seem good now, but remember when they did ___ to you?” This can put a limit to the amount of joy you can experience with someone and increase the negative feelings in a relationship.

The cure to this is really quite simple. Share as much wonderful things about your friends and those you love with as many people as you can. This will not only prevent them from finding a crack in your friendship and relationship to take advantage of, but it will also strengthen your feelings for that other person by reminding yourself of all the wonderful things about them you may have forgot. It will also have you looking a lot better in the eyes of others. Who wants to be friends with someone who is constantly speaking negative about people, or discussing problems they have with them? What do you think will happen as soon as you are not around? No, instead share the love. If it gets back to them, they will be quite impressed. If it doesn’t, it will still lead to an increase in the positive feelings you have for this person. Either way, it will strengthen the relationship and prevent the ever lurking danger from harming it. Speak love, feel love. What is something you find amazing about one of your friends or the person you love?

ARE YOU MISSING IT?😳

I am so excited for today’s post! The picture above says it all. A lot of us may be tempted to look at it and say, “What a stupid cat!” Be careful. You might have far more in common with that cat than you think. Before we get any further, let me assure you that I am as guilty of this on occasion as anyone. It really can be a problem for high-achievers. That is this, focusing so much on a problem that we fail to see the solution. It may not always be as black and white as how to get out of a cat carrier, but sometimes it is not that far off.

One of the rules I do my best to apply in my life is the 80/20 principle. I spend 20% of my time focusing on the problem. This will include gaining clarity on what the problem is. You would be surprised how many times this is a misunderstanding that compounds many a disagreement. I also want to look at possible causes and variables that went into the problem. The remaining 80% of the time I spend focused on the solution. What are variables I could introduce into the situation that could bring a resolution. Do I need to issue an apology? Do I need to adjust a behavior?

This method is not reserved solely for interpersonal relations. It can work in business. It works good when working on some self-improvement issue. It is relationships that I would like to discuss today, but feel free to think how you could apply this in business and other fields. To focus on solutions, you must start by knowing your goal. This sounds elementary, but it is not. If you are having a disagreement with your spouse, for example, the goal is to get back to a loving state. That may seem obvious as you read this, but in an emotional situation it can get lost in the shuffle.

If your spouse did something that hurt you, or maybe violated a standard you have for the relationship, it may seem hard to focus on getting back to a loving state. Especially, if you are the one who was hurt. You may want them to feel hurt, or even just to know how much they hurt you. Again, spending 20% on the problem here can be helpful. Being very clear to the other party what the problem is as you see it. You would be amazed how often people are working to solve two entirely different problems. Never assume your partner should know why you are upset. Yelling and screaming that you are hurt or mad does not relay the cause of the issue at hand. The more tactful you can convey why you are upset, the more likely the other party will understand. I get it. This is difficult to do when you are in a highly emotional state. I do not always get this right, even though I know this stuff. If possible, I suggest taking a moment to help yourself become clear as to why you are upset, and how you can convey those feelings in such a way that the other party will not feel attacked or defensive.

Spend the other 80% of the time focused on the solution. That is, getting back to a loving state. If the desired state is to be on a harmonious state of interaction, you can begin to focus on that. Certainly, figuring out who is to blame would not get you any closer. However, suggesting alternative ways certain situations could be acted out in the future that would leave both parties happy would get you closer.

Notice this in your own life. Are you spending too much time focused on the problem? Are you finding your disagreements spent rehashing the problem, or discussing possible solutions? Even if you disagree on a solution, the fact that you are working towards that is what is healthy. Even throwing the question, “How do you think we can get back to being loving?” in the middle of a heated disagreement, can put you back on track. Sometimes, it is can be beneficial to cool off and come back together with possible solutions in mind. There are so many possible solutions to suggest. The more you put out there, the more you stand a chance of succeeding.

Here are two bonus items that will make this even better. The first is that it is essential to validate your partner’s feelings, even if you disagree with them. Saying things such as “I understand you feel….” can open the door to solutions. It also lets your partner know they are being heard. This is very important. The second thing that greatly increases the odds that your disagreement will leave your relationship stronger and not weaker is to ask for help. What I mean is to let your partner know that you would love to get back to a loving state with them. Saying something like this, “I really want us to be loving and I would love your help in coming up with a solution to do just that.” Now, how can you continue to be upset when you hear that? The important part about both of these is that they cannot be hollow words. You must mean them and follow them up with actions that show you mean them. They say, “Where focus goes, energy flows.” Do you want to give your energy and focus to your problems, or to your successes and solutions?