Tag: People

RELATIVITY

“When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute – and it’s longer than any hour. That’s relativity.”

-Albert Einstien

Often complicated terms are quite often best explained using real world examples. Setting aside my experiences of sitting with pretty girls, this example seems to demonstrate another important aspect for our lives. That is the relativity of any situation. What do I mean? The answer to that can be found by answering another question I am frequently asked, “Neil how do you remain positive even when going through a very negative situation?” Well I simply see how things are relative. Let us just pretend you are not thrilled with your job. You can visit your local unemployment office and see the desperation in the eyes of people looking for any kind of work. This principle was brought to my attention in a big way a few weeks ago. I was taking a friend to the hospital as they did not have transportation. I was a bit ill myself, nothing major perhaps a cold or the flu. It was early in the morning and following dropping this friend at their next destination I had to then go into work. As I sit in the waiting room thinking about how much I would rather be in bed sleeping and using that time to feel better, wishing I could return to my warm and waiting bed instead of going to work for ‘the man’. I must confess I even started to question my decision to help my friend when I was sick myself. As I sat there in a world of frustration, pity and sinus pressure a message was sent to me that couldn’t have been any louder. I believe I had closed my eyes to try and get some brief moments of rest in the oh so comfortable waiting room chairs when the silence was broke by a young child’s voice yelling “Daddy! Daddy!” With a slight feeling of being disturbed out of the few seconds of sleep I was hoping to find I opened my eyes. What did I see? A young boy about the age of six who was going through some serious treatment as he looked quite thin and was missing all of his hair. It was more what he wasn’t missing that delivered the message to me. This brave young man was wearing one of the biggest smiles I have ever seen. With all of his enthusiasm he asked “Daddy do you think the cancer will go away so I can go back to school with the rest of my friends?” The look in his father’s eyes showed that he did not share the young child’s positive outlook. Suddenly I felt rather guilty. Here I was filled with self-pity for my head cold and having the honor of helping a friend who could really use it. I was healthy enough to work unlike this child who would have given anything just to return to his ‘job’. Intellectually I know the saying “Somebody always has it worse than you” but here is a young child with a serious illness who is enthusiastic and focused on becoming healthy again. I had a simple cold or flu and I am feeling like the world is out to get me. Normally guilt is not an emotion I recommend people even experience because they tend to let it weigh them down like an anchor. Even guilt can serve a great purpose when used properly. I let my guilt and shame (another emotion you should normally avoid) to drive into my often thick head that even our troubles are relative and though they may seem like a burden to us they would be a blessing to others. If I would have asked that young cancer patient if he would rather be sent to school with a terrible cold I am sure the young man would have jumped at the chance. He also reminded me a lesson I am usually teaching others but that I also need to be reminded of. How we approach our situations often goes a long way to determining their outcomes. If I had approached my minor health issue with the same positivity this young man approached his serious one I would have undoubtedly been feeling a lot better. I noticed watching this young man interact with people in the waiting room I was already feeling a lot better. By the time my friend was done with her visit I had a smile on my face and was thankful to be going into work. So remember to try and keep a positive focus on our lives even when they seem challenging. Feel free to print out this story if it will help you remember better. I know the experience certainly was a great reminder for me.

PERSPECTIVE

In former posts I have talked about the importance of the way we look at situations. As I have also stated living an amazing life is a lifelong journey and not a goal to be reached. We all have much to learn. I would like to offer an example from my own life. Recently I had been discussing issues that were quite meaningful between another person and myself. It left me feeling rather connected to this person and quite special. Well a few days later this person had told me they had presented those very details we were discussing specifically when I was not there. Suddenly I felt hurt, like maybe the issues were not as much of a connection as I had thought. Have you ever noticed when your feel hurt your mind just seems to take over and make all sorts of connections that may or may not even make sense? Well that is what happened here. I began to wonder if perhaps the connection I thought had developed with this person may not have been as close as I had hoped. Perhaps there was no real connection at all. Even typing that makes it sound crazy. Knowing what I know of this person and the things we have shared in the past this thought should not have even entered my mind. A good fact to note here is when rational thought and emotion run into each other it is like a semi running into a sports car, emotion will always win. I had decided that this person did this so it meant that. Why would I do that? They are always several reasons. Past experiences when others have done the same and I ended up hurt? Misjudging what I know of this person? Living in reaction instead of action? So what to do when you find yourself in this situation. Well nine times out of ten if you are waiting to ask this question until you are in that situation you are probably to late. Again this site is about being proactive. So what actions can we begin to take today to help us should such a situation come up in our future? Here is the bad news, because we all are unique individuals with unique rules and experiences somebody in your future will hurt or disappoint you. Not even because they are trying to, but because they look at life different from you do. So knowing that how can we minimize the chances of being stuck in a train of thought like I was yesterday? Begin to develop a positive perspective. When something happens that you feel another person has let you down try to come up with as many positive explanations as you can. It may be hard at first, especially if you have been hurt in the past. When you ask why this person did this answers may begin to fill your head like “because they’re a jerk” “because they don’t care” pull the brake. Begin by trying to get at least one positive option. Maybe they simply did not understand what their actions would have meant to you? Maybe some even occurred in their life that caused them to have to make a change without being able to tell you. Maybe their actions mean something entirely different to them? Keep practice doing this. Why? I will give you two great reasons. One, you will feel hurt a lot less or at less not feel hurt as often. Two, you will find a lot less conflict with those you really care about. Let’s face it the more you care about someone the more they can make you feel amazing, but the more they can hurt you.

So how did my situation end up? Luckily this person has an amazing grasp on personal relations and a large dose of patience with me. They could tell that I was feeling upset and asked what they may have done. After some expert cajoling I explained that the ideas they expressed I felt were special between us and I was a bit(which at this point was an understatement)hurt that they chose to present them when I wasn’t even around. To my surprised they agreed that indeed they felt they were as special, if not more, than I did. They also went on to explain the reason they chose to express them for the first time when I wasn’t around was because they wanted to be able to do so flawlessly by the time we were together. So initially I just felt like a total jerk for even being upset. Still being one for learning from my mistakes I tried to see what I could selvage out of this experience. Here is what I learned. I have a lot to learn. One I learned I have one amazing person in my life who really does care more than I realized. I also learned that I still let my past affect me and the relationships I have in the present. Which is not only terribly unfair to that person, but also to yourself. I also learned I could probably learn to express how things make me feel in the future. Most importantly I learned that I really need to work on developing a more positive perspective on people and why they do the things they do. So I will be following the very steps I gave you earlier. As well as being grateful for the amazing people I have in my life. Tomorrow we will look at how we can productively expressing what we like and how to actually make people want to do those very things.

WHAT IS THE MEANING OF LIFE?

So what is the meaning of life? Today we are going to investigate and answer that very question. You mean you will not have to climb to the top of some very tall mountain and ask a very old man with a long beard? No actually all you have to do is log on, click on this blog and read the writings of a man who feels old and only has a goatee. OK, I don’t know many of you. Some of you I only know fairly well. Even the ones I know very well how can I begin to tell you the meaning of your life? How if we have never met can I begin to tell you what the purpose of you being here is? Well let me begin by paraphrasing another man with a great name, Neal Donald Walsh, even though he may have his spelling all wrong I believe his thinking is all right. He said in the famous movie The Secret and again I’m doing this from my memory which can be suspect at times. He said there is no blackboard in the sky where God writes “Your purpose in life is ____” A lot of us would like to believe we are all preordained with some divine purpose and as soon as it is revealed our life will be easy and our path will be laid out before us. Sad thing is some people spend their entire lives looking for this writing in the sky. I’m here to tell you something very important – your mission in life is what you choose to make it – True you may have some divine inspiration along the way. We are all given some talents with which to work and things we excel at. We are all driven by different motivations. Martin Luther King jr. was angered by the injustice he saw to a point he decided his life mission was to strive for equality. Mother Theresa was saddened by all the people she saw who needed help that were being left behind so she dedicated her life to helping the poor and forgotten. Musicians see how their music can touch people so they try to spread that feeling to as many people as possible. I was disgusted by how much negativity is in the world so I decided to make my life’s mission to bring more positivity to the world. I am still trying to work out what Paris Hilton’s mission is, perhaps she is still searching. The point here is that your mission, your meaning of life is whatever you decide it is. What are you passionate about? If you noticed in the examples above the passion does not necessarily have to be a positive one to make for a great life mission. So if you find yourself feeling lost, wondering why you are here. My suggestion? Decide why you are here. Spend the weekend examining things you have a great deal of feeling for. Then decide what life means to you. Who knows your life’s mission may change several times in your life as you learn and grow. The main thing here is to understand you are the one who decides what life means to you. So ask yourself this weekend “what is the meaning of life” you can even try climbing the highest hill you can find to think about it. If you grow a beard while thinking you may have spent too much time on the question.

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE…NOW?

Last blog we discussed what to do if people have upset us in the past and we are still letting it bother us. Today we will examine a great way to reduce the stress and strain of people upsetting us in the present. How to deal with that face to face anger that sometimes we may encounter.

If you work with the public, or deal with the public or even just deal with other people in your daily life, which should just about cover everybody, one of the greatest and most common challenges is…well other people. We all know if everybody in our lives would just play by our rules and understand that we are always right there would be no issue there. Unfortunately the boss does not always understand how difficult it is to get out of a warm bed on a cold day. Your spouse may not always understand how ‘one more drink’ became three. In other words the bad news is at some point in your life people will be mad at you. On a rare occasion they may even have a reason to be. So what than? How can we somehow not get stressed about someone screaming in close proximity to us? How can we use a person who is practicing replacing our name with different profanities as a growing experience? As I try to improve my own life these are the type of questions I find myself asking. Trust me if you wait until that person is in front of you to ask the question you may decide to distress by closing their mouth for them and the only thing growing may be your legal problems. So here is a little exercise you can get used to and practice that I find turns those experiences literally into a game and often leaves both parties feeling better when parting. A big promise, but I think if you stick with me you will see how it all comes together and thus reduce one of the most common stresses from your life.

here is the ‘magic formula’, it may sound to simple, it may sound like it will not work, but trust me after you master it you will be successful nine times out of ten. There are some people who just have severe social issues and cannot be reached. They are not our concern and really should be used as humorous fodder. So what is the idea already? Here is the plan. First, let the people vent for a little while. I don’t know when I am upset being interrupted can only be equated to throwing gasoline on a fire. When you feel you have a grasp of what ever life threatening event has them ready to start the next world war, then interrupt. Now, there is a very specific way to do this. Even if the event is pretty cut and dry, such as your dog does not understand property lines when needing to relive himself, still recap with a simple phrase showing you are interested in their issue. An example is “Just to make sure we are on the same page…” or “To make sure I understand what is upsetting you…” in addition to showing them you care it forces you to listen to what they are saying as you are pondering just how to word your question. The next thing is something that can totally turn this person who may be picturing you in some terrible compromising position into your best friend. While listening to there list of complaints with the state of the world, look for something you can honestly compliment them on. Do they have a nice shirt on? Are they wearing a nice fragrance? this part takes practice and skill as does bringing it to their attention. I caution you not to try flattery which I am not a big fan of anyway, false praise comes across as such and can often generate further anger. It is even better if you can ask them a question about the compliment. The reason you want to do this is because it forces them to think about what you said. A great example of how to do this would be “I understand you are upset fido fertilized your flowers without asking, but I have to ask you what is that amazing fragrance you are wearing? It smells so familiar but I can’t quite place it?” I have even taken it one step further, but I will get to that in a moment. after discussing a legitimate compliment paid in their favor, and again a stress make it real, you would be surprised how the conversation can change.

All of this may sound unbelievable so let me provide a recent example. A lady walked into the post office with a bill for her post office box that was due on January 31st. She had come in on the 28th to discover that the price had went up 2 dollars from the amount shown. No notice was given to her and she already had her check made out. She wasn’t late, the price had just changed. She had a right to be upset. This woman, however, took it one step further and went on for roughly ten minutes on the lack of intelligence of the lady helping her, how terrible the organization was. By the time I was called up there she had worked herself into quite a stressful state for both her and all of those around her. I calmly asked if I could make sure I had this right. “You are upset because you are paying a pill that you were told would be one amount if paid by the 31st and here it is the 28th and we are asking for two dollars more? I don’t blame you for being upset” That simple act of understanding why she was upset started to calm her down. I explained that our goal was to get her Post office box renewed and that regretfully our computers did not allow us to charge her the old price. She suddenly ‘remembered’ she had two dollars in the car. As she walked out (which gave her time to breath as well as the sales associate) I started thinking I needed to find something nice to point about this lady. When she walked back in I noticed she had black pants and a plain black jacket. No luck there. Her hair was cut short and simple. Again not much to work with. She had no discernible wonderful scent. Then I noticed the rims on her glasses were an awesome red color I had never seen. Keep in mind I went through all of this in about 1 minute. If you just stand there staring at someone who may cause the anger level to rise again. So I said “I thank you for understanding about this unfortunate computer error with our pricing and I wish to get you taken care of right away, but as I am doing so I have to ask where you purchased those glasses I have never seen such an amazing color” She thought for a second and told me the name of the store. I knew there was one close to where I live and asked her if that was the location she went to. She told me no it was the one down the street. I again told her I would love to see what color they have for men and could she tell me what street it was on. (I don’t wear glasses by the way). She thought again and gave me cross streets. I thanked her for the information and began to apologize for the misunderstanding she came in for in the first place. Her reply shocked everyone who was there “No I should have paid my bill right when I got it” I countered with “Truly we will look into notifying people if the price changes in the future. I can understand how upsetting that would be” She replied “It’s not that upsetting. I’m sorry you just caught me on a bad day” So there may have been more to this lady’s anger. She left apologizing to me and I think feeling if she did not have a good experience and least did not have a bad one.

Enough practice with this and you almost feel as though you are playing a game. I felt a sense of accomplishment when that lady left. She felt a little less upset. I think it was a win for all parties concerned.

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?

Yesterday we looked a bit at a conversation I had with a wonderful friend of mine. Today we are going to look a little more specifically at the issue she was having which very well might be an issue that you are dealing with as well. Yesterday we discussed what to do if you had an issue from your past that may be holding you back. We spoke briefly about guilt and regret which are two of the main past issues that affect people. Today we are going to look a little closer at her specific issue and what I recommended. This amazing young lady who has truly a heart of gold, was being poorly treated by several friends and even some members of her own family. She was trying her best to keep everyone happy, but their nasty behavior kept on. Sound familiar? We all have people who come into our life at some point, some who may have been in there our whole lives that mistreat us. The question is how can we not let the hurtful things they say and do affect us? In short the answer is you can’t. We are all human, we all have feelings. A point it always helps to remember when we are dealing with others as well. So if we can’t stop their arrows of hatred, jealousy and anger from piercing our hearts, what can we do? Ask ourselves the most important question “what does this all mean?” Sometimes the person we are dealing with is just having a tough time and maybe some issues we don’t even know about. It could be they are just unfairly taking it out on us. In this case although it hurts, it is a good opportunity to practice compassion and understanding. Another good question to ask ourselves is “What could possibly make someone act this way?” This is an especially good question to ask if this behavior is new. In this case we also have a chance to further practice our skills at politely asking people what does seem to be troubling them. Often times we may discover an issue we can either assist with or at least further understand the person we are dealing with. That act of caring can bring the relationship closer.

So what if we do all this investigating and compassion only to discover the person isn’t having a rough time, or dealing with an unforeseen issue? What if we discover their only issue is that they are an ass, what then? Great question! In fact, that happened to be one of the examples my friend gave me. She was fired from her job so the gentleman running the company could give a job to his mistress. Now on the outside she thought, and rightfully so, “How unfair is it that I work my butt off and this guy is cheating on his wife with this woman so I loose my job just so she can have one?” That is a fair question to ask, but it is not a very empowering one. If we asked what does this mean we could certainly come up with the answer that it means this man has lost morals and values his sexual gratification over a good employee. That is a true statement and may help us feel good…for the short-term. How can we use this to empower us more. This is why it may be important to revisit things that have happened to us that may have seemed ‘unfair’ at the time. I asked my friend if she really wanted to work for a gentleman with those kinds of moral standards. She replied no. I also asked her to share with me what happened to her after she left this job. She told me her very next job only lasted a short while, but in that time she was able to bring a lot of good to the life of a coworker who was struggling. The second job she had after that, which she currently holds. Allowed her to move out-of-state and be someone warm where she is considerably happy. These things would not have happened if her former boss had not let her go. Sometimes it is hard to understand why people do what they do or how we can benefit from it until far after the time it happens. Sometimes we may never understand but if we are always approaching life asking empowering questions and looking for ways to benefit and learn from every situation nine times out of ten we will. So don’t play the victim, play the master! Plus, trying to guess why other people do what they do is only slightly harder than guessing the winning lottery numbers.

THE SECRET TO BEING BEAUTIFUL

Diets, Botox, plastic surgery, supplements, 90 day fitness plans. They are over. They promise each of us the result of a more beautiful appearance. The marketing companies spend untold amounts of money playing on our fears and our dissatisfaction with our lives and ourselves. The only more amazing thing is the amount of money, in the billions yes that is Billions with a ‘B’ that we spend trying to find a cure that honestly lies within each of us. What is this secret? How do we turn we use it to transform ourselves and our lives into something extremely beautiful? To answer that let me use an example of two beautiful women in my life. My amazing and lovely friends Stephanie and Kim. What makes these two women so special? Great Question. Both a hard-working women at the jobs they do. both are full-time parents to their children and take great pride in the job of raising their children in the way they believe to be best. They also spend times working on improving themselves through various self-improvement activities. The add physical fitness when time affords. They learn new things that allow them to be even more amazing parents as well as spouses to the men in their lives. Now each of the things mentioned above alone could qualify them as beautiful people and I would certainly say it does. Do they sometimes have issues in all the issues mentioned above? I am sure they would be the first to admit they do. Try as we may nobody is the perfect spouse, they perfect parent or even the perfect employee. So what secret do they use, knowingly or not to be the beautiful people they are? It goes by several names, attitude, approach to life, passion. Call it what you will it has many features. One they focus on what it is going right in their world. They are filled with gratitude and express it to the people and situations they feel it towards. They are proud of the people in their lives and let them know it. Instead of complaining about something their children of spouse has done, they are often thanking them publicly for everything that they do for them. They also offer words of kindness and encouragement to others with no expectation of anything in return. Could these ladies complain of the vast amount of obligations and responsibilities they deal with daily? yes and they would have every right. it is their decision to not only endeavor to complete those responsibilities with the best of their ability, but to go the extra mile for others in their lives. In return others are drawn to them and they find themselves on the receiving end of many good fortunes. The best part bringing that positive and passionate attitude to life creates an inner beauty that shines from inside them all the way through to the outside making them two of the most beautiful people The feelings you create in the souls of others will do more for your beauty than a years worth of Botox treatments. Several trips to the spa or any other outer activity we may try. I’m sure you may know people like this in your life. I myself am fortunate enough to have many more. if you happen to meet Stephanie and Kim you will be able to see what true beauty looks like. I am grateful for them and for all of my friends who show me many different definitions of the word beautiful. so if you are looking to increase your beauty before you run to the spa, or order that next miracle product try looking inside or yourself. Your soul is the ultimate beauty product

Make the shadows disappear

“Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only Love can do that”

-Martin Luther King jr

Wow. That is a powerful statement from a great man. Might I suggest you pause for a moment and read it again. Ok, now that we have grasped the obvious power and truth to that statement, let us begin today by looking at the second part of that quote. we can begin to see how we cannot only go about changing our lives for the better, but the lives of our families, friends and our fellow-man. Conflict if ended in the form of debate, or violence never truly has a winner. Now before you think I am getting far to altruistic, stick with me for a second here. During the great divide that started both world wars ideals were challenged. People had conflicting beliefs and were unable to solve them in a peaceful fashion. The same holds true for the American civil war. In both cases there was a decisive military victor. So what then of the loser? Did they then agree to the opinions and ideals held by those who were victorious over them? I think we all can agree that was not the case. This holds true when I listen to people debate politics and to some of the more zealous, even sports. What do we really hope to gain by out debating another person? A momentary feeling of self-righteousness? A more resolute feeling about our own beliefs? More importantly, what do we stand to lose? A friendship? A good working relationship? Maybe even a peaceful household. Yes, we all have beliefs we hold dear, and well we should. We should also never fail to realize and respect the fact that other people may have feelings they hold in equal regard, but that differ from our own. Some people may approach us in anger for things they have no right to. Our political beliefs, our faith, or even the color of our skin. Now we can argue with these people. Prove their ignorance, but will it change their hearts? Not likely. Therefore, I suggest proving these people wrong with kindness, understanding, patience and love. I am not talking about cowardice, I am talking about the one of the bravest acts you can do. Respect their opinion without sacrificing yours. How to do this takes tact, skill and a lot of practice. I do not pretend to have all the answers in this arena, but I do not that Martin Luther King jr was right. hate will never drive out hate, only love can do that.

IT IS NEVER AS BAD AS IT SEEMS…

Yesterday we discussed focusing on what people bring to our lives and what we love about them so in the challenging times we can remember it is just a situation, not the person we are upset with.  Here is how to apply that same logic to other situations in life.  Ever had a bad day at work?  If your answer is no, please leave the name of where you work in the comments section so I can apply.  In almost every job I know even ones people enjoy there are bad days.  The important part here, much like with people is to come up with a list of things you love about your job so when the bad day happens you will understand it is the exception and not the rule. The same works for your car/your house and every other thing and situation we can imagine.  So much like yesterday I suggest picking out the things that give you the most headaches and compose lists of things about them that you are grateful for.  Car always seem to have problems? I know this one all too well.  It does get us to and from work so we can at least earn the money to fix it.  Allows for longer travel.  House having things going bad left and right it seems?  Try you and your family being homeless.  One time last winter we had no heat, it seemed freezing inside.  Then I went out to get a warm cup of coffee.  First, that fact I could afford one and travel there safely I began to appreciate.  I also realized I had four walls to block the wind, a roof to block the snow.  It could always be far worse.  Quite often we are focused on the problem and our need to fix it.  Chances are that 90% of the things in your life are going right, do not let the 10% ruin that. Like to two mentioned examples, even in the worst of times there is always something to be grateful for.

Have a legendary weekend my friends!

Metal motivation

Yesterday we spoke of exposing ourselves to different sources of motivation and inspiration.  Well I have come across what I feel is an excellent site for people who may find this whole taking control of your mind and using the power of your thoughts a bit too ‘new age’.  It also works great for people like myself who on an occasion or several need a shove to be reminded to do the things we know we should be doing, but for a million different reasons are not.  Now I caution some of the language on this site is a bit strong, but it is a great bold look at how to improve your life and empower yourself. the site is www.metalmotivation.com The esteemed gentleman who you will see and hear from, CJ, has some amazing ideas and serves as another great option to plug into for some great motivation and life changing tools.  He also has some pretty great t-shirts there too. Check it out, if it works for you great! His concepts are some of the best I have heard in a long time. Have a passionate and thrilling day my friends!

 

It’s all up to you…

When talking to people about increasing the joy and passion in their lives I often hear such lines as “If I had more money I would be happy” or “I just was born under a lucky star” or even “You don’t understand all the bad things that I grew up with”.  It is no secret some people are born with more resources than others.  More money, more education, a large support network, but these can be just as much of an obstacle as a gift.  Sometimes being raised in such an environment can be as much of an obstacle as an advantage.  How can being born in ‘all the right situations’ be an obstacle you may be thinking.  Being raised with things that others do not have often robs us of that drive for a better life.  That is not to say all people who are blessed with being born in the right circumstances are lazy, quite the contrary.  Circumstances are what we make of them.  For those of you shaking your head, let me give you some proof.  First, let us flip this story around.  What would you predict for a girl born to a 13-year-old single mother?  Let’s say that girl after the age of nine is physically, emotionally and even sexual abused from the age of nine?  What if that same girl finds herself pregnant at the age of 13 as well? Not looking so good is it?  Now let us say this girl leaves her mother to find her father at the age of fourteen and 8 months along, and then shortly after arriving there gives birth to a still-born child.  What would be your prediction for this young lady? Well that event could have destroyed, and rightfully so, any fragile teenage soul, but it only served to galvanize this young lady.  She applied herself in school remained focused on her goals and while being employed as a journalist was offered her own daytime talk show.  You see Oprah Winfrey did not let her circumstances define her.  She knew the life she wanted, and when she couldn’t find it, went out and created it.  So let’s do ourselves a favor and not cater to our present or past situations. Let us not be defined by events we had little or no control over.  Let us be defined by our future, and by what we are yet to become! Let us create our own future, starting today.