Guilt is one of those tricky emotions. Like it says in the title of this post, it can be the stealer of joy. It can leave us paralyzed with fear and regret. This can prevent us from not only discovering the secrets to an amazing life, but, even more importantly, deprive us from living an amazing life. This is why we have to pay close attention to how we handle the emotion of guilt in our own lives.
Guilt, although a terrible master, can be a very powerful servant. Confused? Let me explain. In my own life, I have suffered the effects of guilt many times. I used to just beat myself up over all of the mistakes I made. Do you know what this got me? Not a damn thing. The mistakes were still made and no matter how much I beat myself up over them, they didn’t change. I can tell you what did change – my health. My mental health suffered as you can imagine. Beating yourself up will make you feel like not only a failure, but you can end up making yourself feel like a terrible person for a single mistake, or maybe even several that you made. My physical health suffered. Sitting around feeling guilty and beating yourself up will drain your energy, lower your immune system and make you feel sick to your stomach. Not only will you not be good to yourself, you will not be good for anyone else.
All these emotions can have a tremendous upside. This will help turn a guilty life into an amazing life. Let me give you a personal example. I have made mistakes in personal relationships that caused me to not be the best friend, partner and coworker. It also left me feeling guilty and terrible. Now, I use those feelings as motivation to be the best I can be. When I am on the verge of doing something that is not the most considerate of the feelings of others, I recall how I felt when I did that prior. It will often have me motivated to do better. Even my current mistakes will keep me motivated to improve. If I do something I regret, or feel guilty about, I will use that terrible feeling to motivate me to do better and to remind me not to do it again.
In your own life, turn the feelings of regret and guilt from being terrible masters to powerful servants. It does suck that you cannot go back and change some of the mistakes and hurts you have done in the past, but that terrible feeling can push you into being a far better person in the future. Remember this important thought – If you are feeling guilty for an action you would not repeat, you are convicting an innocent person.
I heard this adage in a motivational speech I was listening to the other day. It really struck me as one of the great secrets to an amazing life. It not only works in the realm of walking, but transfers to all areas of life. If you tie your motivation for doing something to the end goal, you will only be motivated for so long and at a certain intensity. Not to mention, goals and destinations change. What we need to do is fall in love with processes. What do I mean by falling in love with the process and not just the end goal? Let us take a look.
If we take the example of walking, it will show us what we are looking at. If you are motivated to walk simply to reach a destination, you will approach it in a certain way. You will just consider what it will take to get from point A to point B. If, however, you are looking to enjoy the process of walking, you will approach it in an entirely different manner. You will look for the most comfortable walking shoes. You will make sure you are hydrated and take water with you for your walk. You would take steps to enjoy the process. This is the same if you are trying to get in shape, advance in your career, or any other aspect of life.
Most of our life is spent on the journey and very little of it is spent arriving at a destination. If we tie our happiness to the achievement of goals, we will be unhappy the majority of the time. It would be far wiser, and serve us far greater, to find happiness in the process of achieving our goals. Think of something you are currently chasing. This could be wanting to achieve that summer beach body, create more joy and less stress in your life or anything else. Then, ask yourself the very important question – “What can I do to bring joy to the process of what I am now doing?” If it is getting in shape, find an activity that you enjoy. This could be walking in nature. It could be swimming and pretending you are on vacation. It could be playing basketball with friends. If your goal is to create more love in your relationship, how could you make the process of that fun and enjoyable? As a bonus, the more you can enjoy the process, the more likely you are to stick with it. As it was stated in the title, you are likely to walk further.
Success should not be something that is viewed as complicated. It really isn’t. It is also individually defined. I think this is what may lead to it being viewed as complicated. When some people think of success, they see something like the picture above in their heads. I want to take you back to the reason I started this blog in the first place. In case you are brand new here and have not read any of my previous posts or any of my books, let me tell you quickly how we got here. In three simple words – my life sucked. My job was considering downsizing me. My personal relationships were in the toilet. My finances were close behind. I found myself at a local library attempting to find information on how to turn it all around.
How did that go? Let me ask you this, have you ever been to the self-improvement section of a book store or library? Google “Self-improvement books” and see how many results you get. You would not be able to read all of the titles, much less the books, in your lifetime. I recall this only adding to my frustration at the time. In my head I screamed, “Why can’t there just be a book that would supply simple tools that the average person can use to turn their life around?” Not finding one that appealed to me started the journey of writing my first book, A Happy Life for Busy People. That book is filled with the information I wish I would have known that day at the local library.
It has been 10 years since I wrote that first book. It has been 20 years that I have been involved in the self-improvement field. To this day, I search for simple ideas that can have a radical transformation on life. It is one of those formulas I want to share with you today. To achieve success in life you really must do one thing. To learn from all situations, both good and bad. It is really that simple. As we grow and evolve in life, it requires learning from experience. When we have a good outcome, learning how we can apply that in other areas of our lives. Did it involve a certain action? Maybe a change in mindset?
Learning and appreciating the gifts that are disguised as ‘negative experiences’ is one of the more difficult, yet rewarding skills in life. We did something wrong? Great! What can we learn from that? Do we need to improve our communication skills? do we need to be more present with those we love? Can we have a better handle on our emotions? Even if we make a mistake, which we all will do, as long as we learn from it we are still going in the right direction.
Our simple formula today can be summed up as this – do more of what works and learn from what doesn’t. If we do nothing more than follow this simple formula, we will be improving and growing every day. That, my friends, is the secret to an amazing life.
This post may sound a little doom and gloom to some of you, but I ask you to hold your judgements until the end. Every great thing in life we are working on doing is a war. I am not always fond of this comparison, but let me explain. I recall hearing my lovely lady sing the song “Love is a battlefield” by Pat Benatar the other day. I recall my thought that night was the same as every time I heard that song. “That is a pretty sad comparison.” Your love should not feel like a battlefield. In some ways, it really is. So it the relationship with you and your children. It is the same when it comes to your career or your mission in life. They are all wars and we are on the battlefield.
Here is an even more dark thought – we will never win these wars. Why? Because they will never end until we do. Are you working to be the best parent you can be? When do you finish that? Is there one thing you can wake up and do that will make you a great parent for the rest of time? If you are a rockstar parent today, does that mean you can ignore your children the rest of the week? If you are a loving and caring spouse today, but you do not consider your partner’s feelings tomorrow, do you think they will refer to you as the best thing that ever happened to them? I am guessing not. These are all wars. They will never end. I do have great news, however.
The good news is that wars are made up of individual battles. In the case of our quest to be the perfect parent, the only way to win that war is to win the battle of today. Did you love enough? Did you listen enough? Were you understanding or condescending? How about being a perfect spouse? Yes, love is a battlefield. There is winning the battle of support for your partner when the world seems to be beating them down. There is the battle of humbling yourself when you make a mistake. You can really apply this to any area of your life. The war will only be decided when are days are up. In the meantime, all we can do is kick ass on the battlefield. The bad news is you may also lose some battles. You may feel disconnected with your kids. You may have a misunderstanding with your spouse. That is fine. You have not lost the war. In fact, you may have gained valuable knowledge that will allow you to do better in future battles.
When you find yourself feeling a little defeated, remember the quote from the famous Russian tennis player above. You may have lost a battle, but that does not mean you have lost the war. Love, work and life in general is a battlefield. What we must focus on is winning as many of those battles as we can. Even though I was taken aback by the theme of the song, my little lady sounded like an angel singing it!
Last Sunday, Margie, my mother and myself attended an ownership meeting for a food co-op that we belong to. One of the themes that was stressed over and over again was a sense of community. There was mention that co-op owners made up a community of concerned citizens doing their best to help small business. That owners of that owners of that particular co-op represented a community of people concerned about access to healthy and sustainable food. It made me think how many different communities each of us belong to. There are so many.
We belong to religious communities. We belong to political communities. We belong to cultural communities. When we are at the grocery store, we belong to a community that shops at that store. In my 23 years of bartending, I noticed that was the main reason people went to corner bars. It wasn’t the delicious and healthy food served there. It wasn’t even the charming and handsome bartender, despite my attempt at believing otherwise. It was a sense of community. For many of them it was a makeshift family.
Many of our communities try to divide us and become exclusive. The first two examples on my list are really good at that. Instead of falling for that, I ask you to take a different approach. Focus on all of the communities you are a part of. As I write this, I am sitting in a coffee shop. I am part of the community of people that chose to come to this coffee shop today. In this community there are many different races, ages and genders. I would guess there are many different political beliefs as well, You know what though? We are all in this community. After this, I plan to go to the gym. Another community there. Focus on what groups you are part of. Be inclusive instead of exclusive. It would be fun for you to list some of your favorite communities you are a part of.
Last post we spoke about defeating your demons. Today we are going to talk about a specific demon. That is the demon of negative thinking. Boy is this one a tricky one. I don’t care who you are, it creeps in the mind of everybody. Even the always bubbly coworker who can drive you nuts. On occasion, they have a bad day or a moment of self-doubt. One of the greatest tricks the demon of negative thinking uses is to convince you that having these thoughts in some way makes you a failure. This creates a feedback loop from hell, as author Mark Manson says. You have a negative thought. Then you feel bad about yourself for thinking negative, which makes you feel bad. Then you start to feel bad for feeling bad. On and on the loop can go. That is unless you can stop it!
The million dollar question becomes, “How do we control the habit of negative thinking?” I recommend a 3-step process. That process is – motivation, preparation, and habit. We will quickly tackle these one at a time. They will be expanded on more in my fifth book, Save Yourself. That is not due out until 2025 at the earliest. Being that we want to nip negative thinking in the bud now, let’s dive into our first step of the process – motivation. We need to start the day motivated. If this seems like a next to impossible task, I understand. I wake up for work 6 days a week at 4am. Including Mondays when I DJ until 2am. I understand the challenge of waking up motivated. Another way to state this is to ‘wake up with intent’. Years ago I did a video for my YouTube Channel called “Waking up in neutral” I put the link at the bottom of this post. Ask yourself do you have a written intent you wake up to in the morning? This can be one of the simplest fixes.
Many people picture someone standing on the sidelines yelling and cheering them on when they think of the word ‘motivation’. That isn’t really what the word even means. Motivation means to “have a motive”. First thing in the morning, before the world distracts you, is the best time to set your motive. Actually, embedding it in your mind the night before will allow your subconscious mind to get a jump start on it. I suggest writing out a simple one or two line mantra that will tell your mind the kind of day you are expecting to have. An example might be, “I am going to have a great day. I will learn from every situation in life, even the challenging ones, and I will not let them bring me down.” This is only an example. Write something that is meaningful to you and put it somewhere you will see it. Maybe tape it to the bathroom mirror or by the coffee maker.I suggest saying your intention out loud. Maybe if several times on the morning commute. If you want to take control of your life, it is time to stop waking up on accident and declare your intent for the day.
Now that we have a purpose and intent for our day, it is on to step two. That step, as mentioned above, is preparation. Here is a not so shocking news flash – you are going to have a bad day. You are going to have a day where you feel down. Not so positive there, but it is true. The secret to an amazing life is not to be depressed by this news, but to prepare for it. What does preparing for a bad day or a bout of negative thinking look like? It is creating a list of things that can help you combat the negativity in your life. You may be thinking that you already know things that lift your spirits, and that may be true. When you are in the middle of one of the storms of life, those things may slip from your mind. Having them written down to be able to refer to without thought makes this process easier and more effective. Mine, for example, is going for a walk in nature, watching several of my favorite movies, spending time with certain friends. One of my favorite is listening to music that puts me in a good mood. That is why I recommend creating a ‘Happy Playlist’ in my first two books. Music has a way to rapidly transform our emotional state with just the push of a button. Save a list on your phone, which everyone seems to always have with them. It might not be a bad idea to have a file named ‘happy day’ with a list of the items that can pick you up on there as well. That way you will have the list no matter where you are.
We have set our intention. We are saying it out loud, maybe several times, every morning. We have prepared for the inevitable bad day by creating a list of things that raise our spirits. Maybe even creating a ‘Happy Playlist’ of our own. Now what? That brings us to the third and final habit – habits. Developing habits that serve us is the secret to maintaining a positive life. In my own life, I have a file saved on my phone that is filled with positive affirmations I listen to every morning on the way to work. I have scheduled days that I go to the gym, which helps release endorphins that boost your mood. I make sure to schedule quality time in nature, with friends and of course with my lovely lady. These habits not only reduce the chance of letting life get to me, but unlocking the secret of what to do when it does,
Use this 3-step process in your own life, starting today. We never know when a challenging day, or some negative thinking, will be coming our way. We do know now how we can defeat them and live a more positive life. It is important to remember if we do fall victim to life and feel down, we have not failed. It is a part of life. It may be setting us up for a period of growth. It may be just providing us a chance to practice and strengthen these very practices. Last note, this is an evolving process. You can add to, or change your morning intention. You can add to the list of things that make you happy as you discover new ones. You can tweak and add positive habits as you go along. Life is ever evolving. We should be too.
File this post under “Simple to understand but hard to do”. It is still a great thought worth pondering. Something we all know, but could use a good reminder with. No matter what your demons are, be they small or large, this advice applies. Let us say your demon is sugary foods. It would serve you well to not frequent a bakery or places where such items are served. In your house, do not have bags of candy ready to snack on. Instead have carrots, or maybe celery with a little bit of peanut butter. Whatever your fancy may be. Maybe you are striving to be a little more active? Do not hang around people who live sedentary lives. Try parking your car a little further away from the grocery store.
Let us say that you find yourself in embarrassing or dangerous situations when you consume alcohol. You should seek your entertainment somewhere other than a bar or a club. Yes, that might mean giving up a few friendships, but that might be the cost of vanquishing your demon. If, for example, you have a person who enjoys going out and getting smashed, even if they are a good person, you may have to cut them off. Even the friends who can responsibly consume adult beverages, you will have to explain you cannot be around them when they do. Your demon can use your friends, family and peer pressure to continue to keep you enslaved. Do you want to be a slave to your demons, or do you want to take back control of your life? Rather a rhetorical question, but a poignant one never the less.
Your demons will be tricky. They will be crafty. They will use whatever they can to enslave you. If you want to have an amazing life, and defeat many of your demons, you must first declare you will no longer enjoy their company. It will come with some sacrifices. It will be a long and hard journey. It will be worth it. We only have one life. It is worth fighting for.
Almost everyone has heard of FOMO, or fear of missing out. In life, there is a great deal of joy to be had in missing out on certain things. There are many times when you have to say ‘no’ to the party, saying ‘no’ to getting together with certain people can be just as much a form of self-care as getting together. There is a great deal of inner peace to be had in staying home and healing our spirit. It may be hard for some people to see this. That is only because their focus is on what they are missing, such as the coffee with friends, shopping with the girls, or fishing with the guys. Instead, focus on what you are gaining. Recharging your internal battery. Refilling your reserve to deal with stress. Reclaiming your inner peace.
On the contrary, there are people who really can be a blessing. There are those souls that being around them can just lift your spirit. These people are truly like medicine. Whenever I find myself surrounded too often by people whose very presence induce the urge to take a hot shower, I make a point to fill my company with those people who feel like sunshine. A walk in the woods with my mother. A nice breakfast out with my love. Coffee with my friend Nick. This medicine for the soul can be just as important as the medicine we take for our bodies. In this day and age, you do not even have to connect with people physically. Even people thousands of miles away can bring sunshine and joy to your spirit. Trading messages with my new friend Eduardo in Italy always puts a smile on my face. Phone conversations with my friend Kaylene is Australia, which I have not had in far too long, brighten my day.
Deciding who, and what, in your life that you can do without can make all of the difference between a stress-filled life and a stress-free life. Discovering JOMO, or the joy of missing out, can bring you inner peace. As well as choosing who, and what, bring you joy in your life and add more of them! Even if they have to be added using technology, such as my friends throughout the world I have just messaged.
What can you do without starting today? Who in your life brings a smile to your face? Feel free to share that with the rest of us! Are there people in your life, even if they can’t be there physically, that bring a smile to your face and joy to your heart? Give them a mention in the comments. Doing so might make their day! I know engaging with all of you who follow this site, whether you are in Greenland or Peru, makes my day brighter!
You are an architect. You are also a construction worker, a home decorator, and a painter. So am I. Before you stop reading this and decide that I am going crazy, hear me out. You are building a house. So am I. Getting closer to insane you are thinking? This, of course, is an analogy. Your life is like you are building a house. One of the most important steps is to draw up plans. Can you imagine if you just started building a house with no plans? You wouldn’t have measurements, you would not know what kind of materials to use. There is a good chance that you would get through a couple of days and have to start all over again. You would make a lot of mistakes and it would take just south of an eternity. Then again, if you have a great set of plans, you know how long to cut the lumber, who to call for the plumbing and things go generally smoothly. If there is a problem, you can look at your plans and make an intelligent adjustment.
You might be thinking, “Only an idiot would try to build something as valuable as a house without any plans. For the most part, you would be right. Who would try to build the most valuable thing in their life with no plans? A lot more people than you think. I am not talking about actual houses, but the metaphor works for something even more valuable. Didn’t we just say that your house was the most valuable thing in your life? The only thing more valuable than that? Your life itself! Did you wake up with a plan for today? Are you someone who just wakes up to go to work and pay the bills? Do you have long term plans for your life? I actually had someone tell me, “I am just going to work until I retire. Then I will figure it out.” So, let me get this straight. You are going to wait until 60+ years of your life have passed before engaging that mass of grey matter that sits on top of your neck? Even if your plans would have to wait to be enacted until you retire, they would stand a lot better chance of achievement if you began planning and taking action now.
Plans are a great first step. They are a necessary first step. Guess what? You can’t sleep inside of a set of plans. You can’t park your car in a set of plans. There are many people who are great planners, but that is as far as they get. They spend their whole life planning. You have to get off your butt and start building. Just like house construction, there is a way to go about this as well. You don’t start building a house by assembling a roof. No, you start by laying a good foundation. How about your life and your goals? Do you have a good foundation? What are you building your life on? Are you selecting the best materials or going with whatever is cheapest? If you were building a lifetime house for you and your family, you would of course select only the finest quality materials. Guess what? You only get one life! You best select the best quality people, places and things to put in it.
One more quick thought before we wrap this post up. This idea came to me in the shower. Don’t all ideas come to you in the shower? When you are building a house, those investing in said house will want you to complete it in a hurry. What happens if you rush construction? You cut corners. You compromise safety and with the first big storm your house collapses. Same with your life. Sometimes the people invested in you and your life will want you to rush into things. Don’t. Take your time and build your life right. That way when the storms of life come, you know your house will be able to take it.
If you think of building your life like building a house, you will do so in a careful and well thought out manner. We could get into decorating your life and what you would want it to look like, but that is a personal preference. If you only were able to live in one house for the rest of your life, you would do everything to make sure it is a good one. Well my friend, you only have one life to live, so make sure it is a good one.
Have you ever had one of those moments in life where your problems seem like a snowball rolling downhill? They keep getting bigger and bigger and coming at you faster and faster. What do you do then? Ask yourself what would you do if a large snowball was rolling downhill towards you? The way I see it, you have two real options. First, you could try to outrun the snowball. This would not be wise. Being perfectly round and using the speed of gravity, you would not be very likely to win this race. Not to mention, the longer you run away from the snowball, the larger it gets.
Your other option is to side step the raging ball of frozen water. Depending on the rate of speed of the arctic weapon, and your speed in dodging it, this could work. If, however, you wish to put an end to this nightmare, your best bet can seem rather counter-intuitive. That is to run towards the snowball. If you are going to get run over by it anyway, it is better to race and meet it when it is smaller. After the initial hit, you can pick yourself up, dust yourself off and be on your way.
Why on earth are we talking about running from giant snowballs? It could be because as I write this there is a lovely mix of freezing rain and snow coming down just outside my window. More than likely because it is an analogy for how we solve our problems. Some people seem to run from their problems. This, like in the snowball example, is not a good strategy. Just like the mass of snowflakes, our problems will only continue to get bigger and come at us faster. Eventually, they will catch up to us and run us over.
You could try the sidestep method. In some cases, this is a good strategy. If you happen to be in a social circle that is filled with drama and gossip, it could be good to step out of that circle. If your problem is that you have not paid your rent, moving will not solve that problem. Just like our snow example, it will catch you in very short order. You have to really look at the nature of your problems.
Much like the snowball example, I think the best way to face problems is to meet them head on. That way they will be slightly smaller and have not picked up any momentum. Sure, you will get some ‘snow’ on your face and it will not be comfortable, but then you can take the hit and move on. This way, your life will not be one filled with the stress of running from your problems!
SECRET 2 AN AMAZING LIFE 