Being filled with love has so many benefits. It may sound like a fluffy, new-age way of living, but it is much more than that. One, it helps everyone you come in contact with feel better. Even if you are someone who doesn’t care much about the people around you, although I doubt you would be reading this blog if you were, there is a benefit to you when they do. Do you know what happens when you make everyone around you feel good about themselves and life in general? They usually return the favor. Imagine doing this for a while and then you have a rough day. Suddenly, everywhere you go, people are kind to you and wanting you to feel good. Your rough day stands a very good chance of improving. Trust me, I have been there.
Another benefit to being filled with love, is that life seems a lot more beautiful. Remember how it felt when you first fall in love with someone? Nothing seems to bother you. Everything seems brighter and more amazing! Now, I am not advocating being someone who falls in love with a new person everyday. No, I am advocating falling in love with life! A great way to do this would be finding as many things as you can to be grateful for! Before you know it, your heart will be filled with love! Again, I have experienced this personally, and it is a great feeling!
One of the best benefits of smiling is that it confuses those who would rather not see us smile. It could be the office gossip. Maybe the fellow who insults something we passionately believe in. How about the customer that that unfairly treated us harshly at our job? Nothing confuses these people, and sometimes drives them crazy, as much as our ability to maintain our happiness despite their attempts to steal it. We can do so by practicing what we have learned in this blog, and the two prior. Fill our hearts with love. Make sure we spend enough time on self-care. Make sure we keep the key to our happiness in our pocket. Have reminders of what we have to be grateful for everywhere. A picture of who we love as the screensaver on our phone. A picture of the vacation we are using our job, and therefore that customer, to save up for. How about reminders of our families, friends and the people and things we enjoy? That will keep us filled with love.
Keeping our hearts filled with love will not only make our life better, it will confuse anyone who is trying to make the world a less loving place. Being able to maintain that love when they challenge it, is not only confusing to them, but will drive them crazy. Want to take it a step further? When someone treats you harshly, or is negative, treat them with love. It will not only fill you with a feeling of pride that you were able to overcome their negativity, but prevent you from feeling the regret of sinking to their level. Who knows, it may even start them thinking how much happier they could be if they were filled with love like you!
People often wonder what the secret to the relationship I have with Margie. Firstly, it helps that she is an amazing, patient and understanding woman. However, there are certain things I do on my end that ensure we will continue to not only maintain, but grow our love for each other. They are 4 simple things that you can do in your own relationship, starting as soon as you finish reading this blog post! We are going to discuss how this works in intimate relationships, but as you will see, the four items can be used to create an amazing relationship whether it is platonic or intimate.
The first suggestion is to purchase the two book featured in the photo above. We will look at them one at a time. How to Win Friends and Influence People is my favorite book of all time. It not only is filled with secrets to help you navigate the often tricky world of interpersonal relationships, but to do so making the other person feel loved, valued and heard. The ‘influence people’ portion sounds like you might be manipulating someone, but it is quite the opposite. Let us say you would like your partner to be more romantic. You could try being direct and saying, “Why on earth can’t you be more romantic?” That would not only have them feeling defensive, it would also not stir up many loving feelings. If, however, you encouraged romantic behavior by telling them how loved you felt when they did ______ . ‘That’ being whatever romantic behavior they last did. Perhaps, you could start by doing romantic behaviors yourself. When they are overwhelmed with love, you can say something to the effect of, “I know it is important to let you know you are loved. Doing romantic things are the best way I can think of to show that.” These subtle behaviors will have them wanting to be romantic with you and they will even think it is their idea. You are influencing their behavior, but it is more guiding than manipulating.
Above are the 5 love languages, from the book of the same name. We are all a mix of each and doing anything from the list is good. Still, we are usually predominantly one. That is to say, we usually receive love best through one of them. Here is the tricky part, we also usually show love through one of them. What if the way your partner receives love, and the way you show love do not match up? You may feel like you are working so hard to show them love they are not really seeing it. That’s ok. There is a quiz in the book that will help you discover how you, and your partner, both show and receive love. This will allow you to have your partner feeling more loved than ever before and you can do so easier than you imagined. If they are on board as well, you will be feeling more loved as well. Talk about a win/win! If you are not into reading, or don’t have the time, get the audio versions of these great books. Listen to them on your morning commute or when you clean the house. Imagine coming home from work being a greater lover than when you left? Imagine if you did this every day for a month?
The 2 habits we are going to discuss are ritual and reminder. Do not let the word ‘ritual’ scare you off. We are not going to sacrifice a living animal under a full moon. A ritual is a dedicated set of actions done with intent and feeling. How does any of this have to do with creating a great relationship? Simple. Once you discover the way your partner best receives love, set up a ritual, or routine if that word still scares you, that accomplishes those actions. Let us say your partner best receives love through words of affirmation, my personal one, then set up a ritual where you do something on a regular basis that accomplishes that. When you start out, maybe do it once a week. One day it may be an online post letting the world know why you love them. The next might be an email letting them know all of the reasons they are amazing. The following could be mailing them a card with a heartfelt message.
The possibilities are endless. They are only limited by your creativity. Not so creative? That is what Google is for. An important side-note. When your partner takes the quiz, you will see they have a first, second, third and so on, list of how they receive love. I would throw in a few in the number 2 category as well. Remember, we are not just one or the other when it comes to receiving love. In addition to what you are already doing, maybe you could do a load of laundry for them. Stop at the grocery store and pick up something you know they need without them asking. You could even let them know you will be passing the store on the way home and ask them if they need anything.
How on earth are you going to remember to do all of this? That plays into the last of our 4 tools to an amazing relationship. A reminder. This leaves room for creativity as well. I like setting an alarm in your phone. Maybe for shortly after you leave work. Just a quick reminder to do one of the actions that make your partner feel loved. You can also make it your screen saver on your phone. Most of us look at our phone hundreds of times a day. What a better way to ingrain a habit into your mind that to look at it hundreds of times a day. How about picking a symbol? Meaning, every time you see the word ‘love’ somewhere it will remind you to take the actions to make your partner feel loved. It should be a symbol you see regularly, but not so much it does not stand out.
If you take these 4 actions, I promise you that your relationship will be better than before. It works for me and it will work for you. As you can see, this can be used for any person that you wish to increase a connection with. The tips in How to Win Friends and Influence People can be used in a business setting, with friends or family and anyone else you want to win as a friend. The 5 Love Languages even sound romantic, but if you replace the word love with the feeling of importance and value, you can see how it would work in the platonic sense. As for ritual and reminder, it can be used to call your mother, compliment your boss or check in on a friend. These tools will improve any relationship you want to focus on. The one at home has the biggest impact on your emotional well-being, but having great relationships across the board will improve your life!
I am so excited for today’s post! The picture above says it all. A lot of us may be tempted to look at it and say, “What a stupid cat!” Be careful. You might have far more in common with that cat than you think. Before we get any further, let me assure you that I am as guilty of this on occasion as anyone. It really can be a problem for high-achievers. That is this, focusing so much on a problem that we fail to see the solution. It may not always be as black and white as how to get out of a cat carrier, but sometimes it is not that far off.
One of the rules I do my best to apply in my life is the 80/20 principle. I spend 20% of my time focusing on the problem. This will include gaining clarity on what the problem is. You would be surprised how many times this is a misunderstanding that compounds many a disagreement. I also want to look at possible causes and variables that went into the problem. The remaining 80% of the time I spend focused on the solution. What are variables I could introduce into the situation that could bring a resolution. Do I need to issue an apology? Do I need to adjust a behavior?
This method is not reserved solely for interpersonal relations. It can work in business. It works good when working on some self-improvement issue. It is relationships that I would like to discuss today, but feel free to think how you could apply this in business and other fields. To focus on solutions, you must start by knowing your goal. This sounds elementary, but it is not. If you are having a disagreement with your spouse, for example, the goal is to get back to a loving state. That may seem obvious as you read this, but in an emotional situation it can get lost in the shuffle.
If your spouse did something that hurt you, or maybe violated a standard you have for the relationship, it may seem hard to focus on getting back to a loving state. Especially, if you are the one who was hurt. You may want them to feel hurt, or even just to know how much they hurt you. Again, spending 20% on the problem here can be helpful. Being very clear to the other party what the problem is as you see it. You would be amazed how often people are working to solve two entirely different problems. Never assume your partner should know why you are upset. Yelling and screaming that you are hurt or mad does not relay the cause of the issue at hand. The more tactful you can convey why you are upset, the more likely the other party will understand. I get it. This is difficult to do when you are in a highly emotional state. I do not always get this right, even though I know this stuff. If possible, I suggest taking a moment to help yourself become clear as to why you are upset, and how you can convey those feelings in such a way that the other party will not feel attacked or defensive.
Spend the other 80% of the time focused on the solution. That is, getting back to a loving state. If the desired state is to be on a harmonious state of interaction, you can begin to focus on that. Certainly, figuring out who is to blame would not get you any closer. However, suggesting alternative ways certain situations could be acted out in the future that would leave both parties happy would get you closer.
Notice this in your own life. Are you spending too much time focused on the problem? Are you finding your disagreements spent rehashing the problem, or discussing possible solutions? Even if you disagree on a solution, the fact that you are working towards that is what is healthy. Even throwing the question, “How do you think we can get back to being loving?” in the middle of a heated disagreement, can put you back on track. Sometimes, it is can be beneficial to cool off and come back together with possible solutions in mind. There are so many possible solutions to suggest. The more you put out there, the more you stand a chance of succeeding.
Here are two bonus items that will make this even better. The first is that it is essential to validate your partner’s feelings, even if you disagree with them. Saying things such as “I understand you feel….” can open the door to solutions. It also lets your partner know they are being heard. This is very important. The second thing that greatly increases the odds that your disagreement will leave your relationship stronger and not weaker is to ask for help. What I mean is to let your partner know that you would love to get back to a loving state with them. Saying something like this, “I really want us to be loving and I would love your help in coming up with a solution to do just that.” Now, how can you continue to be upset when you hear that? The important part about both of these is that they cannot be hollow words. You must mean them and follow them up with actions that show you mean them. They say, “Where focus goes, energy flows.” Do you want to give your energy and focus to your problems, or to your successes and solutions?
I was recently watching an interview with Sammy Hagar, who is a fan of my first book A Happy Life for Busy People, and the interviewer asked him two questions that got me thinking. I want to share those questions with you and not only get your take on it, but maybe start a change in thought pattern in your life as well. The first question he was asked was how often him and his wife do not get along. His best guess was out of 52 weeks of the year, they do not get along for roughly a total of three weeks. That is if you add all of the days together. Then, the interviewer asked a deeper, more thought provoking question.
This question was this – if you were given a contract that said, “For roughly 49 weeks of the year you will be happy. You will share a great life together, have amazing sex, help each other with your struggles. However, the other 3 weeks, you will be upset with each other. There will be hurt feelings on both sides. This will undoubtedly distract you and prevent you from bringing your best to whatever activity you are pursuing. Then he asked Sammy, “Would you sign that contract?” What an interesting thought.
The answer really depends on you and the other individual. This is true in all of our relationships, whether they be intimate or platonic. Is the stress, of which there will always be some, worth all of the joy you will receive? If it is, know that you do sign up to be a friend, business partner, or life partner and you should fulfill your half of the contract, written or not. How about you and your own life? What do your contracts look like? How about you? Do you think you are worth signing a contract for? Would your friends, family and lover agree? Just a little food for thought heading into the weekend. I would love to hear your views on this.
Do you ever find yourself getting discouraged at the state of the world today? I think we all can. With the wars, civil unrest, violence and general discord we see and hear about, it can be a bit difficult to remain positive. Yet, the more negative the world becomes, the easier it is for us to make a difference. Traits like love, kindness, compassion and encouragement become more special the less they appear. Some days, using them at all makes you a super power. Sharing a smile with a stranger is not only unexpected these days, it is shocking to many. A kind and encouraging word to someone working in a busy retail environment? Nothing short of a miracle!
You may be asking yourself how much of a difference you are really making. That is understandable. If we are putting forth effort to make everyone’s day a little brighter and we seem to be outnumbered by those who are determined to complain and bring everyone down, it can seem like we are not making a difference at all. The opposite is true. To illustrate how powerful being kind and loving to the world can be, please allow me to use an analogy. If you think of all the positivity you attempt to bring to the world as light, which is pretty close to accurate, this example will ring true with you. If you are in a bright room, or it is the middle of the day, and you turn on a lamp, how much of an impact does it have? Not much generally. Sometimes, you can’t even tell you turned a light on. Now, imagine being trapped in a cave, unless of course you are Closter phobic, then a dark bedroom would do. What happens if you even turn on a flashlight in that situation? It transforms the entire room! That is how kindness and compassion work in a negative world.
Next time you feel like your kindness is not making a difference, think of this example. When you feel like the world is becoming a very dark place, know that being a light will make an even greater impact. Here is one more thing to consider. How many dark rooms do you encounter? Meaning, how many negative environments do you find yourself in? It could be the gossip at work. It could be the stress of a busy retail location. How about a stressful situation at home? The darker the room, the greater impact your light will have. Kindness, love, compassion and encouragement are not only powerful, they are super powers! Develop yours today!
It is Friday. Wouldn’t it be nice to just be able to relax a little after a week of work? That is exactly what this post is not only about, but advising! The quote from Nathaniel Hawthorne above says it best. When you chase happiness, it always remains just beyond your grasp. Do you know why that is? It is because happiness is an inside job! When you chase happiness is some thing, or every someone, there are many times when you will end up disappointed. You are putting the key to your happiness in their pocket. Sometimes, they are too busy to take that key out of there pocket.
When you sit down in a calm and focused manner, happiness, much like the butterfly, will find you. This is shown in pictures of one on my mom’s shoulder and in the hair of my beautiful lady. The key is being calm and focused. What should you be focused on? What you can be happy about in the moment. It is easiest to try this on a good, or even neutral day. Another way of looking at this, is what you could be grateful or thankful for. Try this right now. You could feel joy that you have access to the internet on which to read this. The internet not only allows you to read this inspiring blog, but material on every other subject you choose. Think about this. You have access to more information that even the greatest leaders in the world had only 50 years ago. You can be grateful you have health, to whatever degree you do.
This works great to give ourselves a lift to brighten our day. This works good when things are going well, or even neutral, as we mentioned earlier. It can work even better when we are having a tough day. If you have practice doing this on the good days, which I cannot urge enough to do, then it will make it easier when times are tough. Just had a tough day at work? Be grateful you have a job. Furnace went out at home? You have a place to live. You got a flat tire? Well, you get the idea. Every bad situation could always be worse. Even losing someone we love, which to me is probably the worst situation to have happen, leaves us grateful for having love for that person while they were in our life. Many people live a life devoid of any real connection. It may be cliché, but it is indeed better to have lost in love, than never to have loved at all.
Begin today to make a habit of sitting down and noticing what you can be happy for in your life. It only takes roughly 5 minutes of your time, but can transform your whole day. Not to mention, it puts control of your personal joy and inner peace right where in belongs – with you! I would love to hear what practices you have for developing a feeling of joy and gratitude and what you are thankful and happy for today.
One of the best ways to develop your character is to treat people in ways that reflect it. If you want to be someone who is considered generous, make sure to be giving to others. This can be in many ways such as your time, your energy or your understanding. If you want to be someone known for their compassion, treat people not as they deserve, but better than they deserve. Try to understand why someone acts out of pain and frustration rather than just looking at their actions. All of these can be tricky, but remember how you act is a reflection of who you are.
One of the most important things to remember in life is that we cannot control what happens to us, but we have complete control to how we react. That is where our power is. If we are just a slave to our emotions, we give that power up. If that is where you find yourself currently, you can regain that power. It takes effort and practice, but it is worth it. Not allowing circumstances to determine our emotional state is one of the secrets to an amazing life. Just keep in mind that we should treat people how we are, not how they are or because of what they can get us. How do your actions and the way you treat people reflect who you are?
I recently returned from a week in the wonderful country of Jamaica. As soon as I got off the plane, I felt like a different person. Have you ever had this experience? As soon as your vacation begins, stress melts away and life just feels amazing. Whether that is driving to the mountains, flying to the tropics or any other destination. Ten years ago, I asked myself a question you may have pondered as well. “How can I carry this amazing feeling of vacation into the other 50 weeks a year that I am not on vacation?” I have spent every day since looking for the answer to the question, “How do we live like we are on vacation?” The first answers resulted in my book, A Happy Life for Busy People. It focuses on quick and simple ways to reduce stress and increase joy in your life. They all require very little effort and most can be done without spending a single cent.
As the years went by and I continued to learn more, I created my second book, Living the Dream. It took a deeper dive into how life works. How to create the relationship of your dreams. How to create a feeling of inner peace. How to better control your emotional state. How to better handle the challenges life throws at us all. How to develop a champions mindset. If any of this sounds like something you would like in your life, I suggest reading that book. To simplify this, I will put a link at the bottom where you can get all of my books. If you incorporate these tools and strategies, it will help you create a life that feels more like a vacation. Do not get me wrong, I certainly would not mind more tropical escapes with the love of my life, but every day with her seems like a dream come true. Why? We have both used the tools in this book to take our relationship to a higher level and continue to do so. We both are chasing our passion and focused on gratitude in our lives. Which leads us to the final point that will benefit you from reading my books.
With all of the self-improvement books on the market, why should you bother to pick up mine? Why did I even bother to write a book, never mind several, in a field that is already so saturated? Those are questions I get a lot. The answer is a simple one. These books were written based on two things. One, the wisdom of several very intelligent individuals. Some as far back as 500 B.C., some who are still alive today. The other is my own mistakes. That is what started my journey to begin with. My life was in a terrible state. In order to take control over my life and turn it around, I began to read. By ‘began to read’, I mean reading everything I could get my hands on. Here is what I learned. Many of the books told me that when I was in China, it was a good idea to speak Chinese, but they never taught me any of the vocabulary.
My book will not teach you how to speak Chinese. What I mean is that many books will give you practical theories, but not tell you simple ways to incorporate them. I tried the things that I read about. I recorded what worked and what did not. I tweaked them. In my books you will not only get the theory behind them, but step by step instructions on how to implement them in your own life. There are also funny personal stories of how they worked when I applied them.
If you want to change your life. If you want to start living the dream, or living like you are on vacation, I highly suggest picking up one or more of my books. Allow me to be of service to you. I put over two decades of both wins and loses, success and failure in these books. What works and what does not. It is my life’s mission to leave this world better than I found it, and that starts with you. If we can work together to take your life to a higher level, then the world, and more importantly your world, will be a little bit better. You can even share the tools with those you love and help them positively transform their lives. Whether you read my book or another, please never stop learning and improving yourself and your life. It is the best thing you can do to make the world a better place.
We are all looking to use our money wisely these days. With the price of groceries and gas on the increase, every dollar counts. Yet, self-care is more important than ever. Stress seems to come at us from every corner. Turn on the television or look at your phone and there seems to be one stressful situation after another. We need to invest in ourselves and our mental well-being to thrive in today’s world. Any money spent on your own mental and spiritual care should not be viewed as an expenditure, but rather an investment.
Wouldn’t it be nice to invest in your well-being and stress reduction and not have to spend anything at all? A lot of us are on Amazon.com quite often. Who can blame you. There are plenty of good deals, and as we mentioned, saving money is good for all of us. There is one thing you can find on Amazon that will not cost you a thing, but help you reduce your stress, increase your joy and help you become the best version of yourself. That is the Living the Dream with Neil Panosian podcast. All you have to do is search my name, Neil Panosian, on Amazon. You will see all three books of mine. Great investments in themselves. I promise you the value you will gain will far outweigh what you spend to get them. There is one item you can get today, no money out of pocket, that will bring you both entertainment as well as useful life strategies. That is my podcast. As you can see from the picture above, it is 100% free. You can be listening as soon as you finish reading this blog. Don’t worry, I won’t keep you much longer.
Here is a brief description of what you will find inside that podcast. I must add that it will also include items from my third book as well. You can improve your life starting today. You do not have to spend a single thing and all you have to do is push play and listen. You can get to this podcast, as mentioned, by searching Neil Panosian on Amazon.com. You can also click on the link below. I highly suggest subscribing to the podcast so you will be the first to hear the new episodes as they are released. I will leave a link you can click on at the bottom of this post as well. I look forward to being able to serve you and your life on my podcast and will look forward to your feedback. Subscribe now as season two is just about to begin!
Here is a situation that many of us find ourselves in. Someone does wrong by us. They then say they are sorry. Whether that was saying something hurtful, not fulfilling a promise to us that they had or a host of other things. We have also been the one apologizing. Here is a good question to ask, “Are you sorry, or are you sorry you got caught?” What do I mean be this? Let us take a look.
Apologizing is a necessary and important first step. It is not an entire step. Let us take a really simple analogy. If I were to kick you in the shin because I am mad at you, that would be a very bad thing. I apologize, as I should. Does your leg feel any better at this point? Probably not. If I were truly sorry for your actions, I would want to do something to help. Maybe I would get you some ice to put on your leg, or some pain pills? I could help you lay down and put your leg up to rest. I would also have to develop a plan as to what to do in the future with my anger, so we do not find ourselves in the same situation. This is good conflict resolution. Apologize for the wrong. Take what immediate action you can to help repair and correct the wrong. Finally, develop a plan so that in the future you will not have the same situation come up.
We all know some people who seem to be forever apologizing. What is worse, they seem to be doing so for the same reasons. If you apologize for something, and then continue to do that very thing, are you really sorry? You might be, just not for why you think you are. You are not sorry for the thing you did, you are sorry you got caught. If you were truly sorry for your actions, you would do your best to correct them and improve them. That is not to say you would not make another mistake, just not the same mistake. Growing and evolving includes making new mistakes. We are human after all. If, however, you are continuing to make the same mistakes, you are not growing and evolving.
Pay attention not only to the people in your life, but to yourself as well. Are you following the formula for conflict resolution, or are you just saying you are sorry and hoping that fixes everything? A good rule to follow is to not just say you are sorry, but to show that you are sorry. We do so but taking actions to correct the wrong we have done and to put in place plans that will stop us from doing that same wrong in the future. That is how we grow and evolve.
SECRET 2 AN AMAZING LIFE 