Tag: loss of a child

DO NOT MAJOR IN MINOR THINGS

I love this quote. I first heard Tony Robbins say it. “People major in minor things.” How true is that? It would seem when our basic needs are satisfied, our minds tend to focus on, and often get upset about things that will not even matter a year from now. In many cases, we cannot even recall what we were intensely upset about a mere 24 hours later. That may sound crazy to you, but think of how many times it has been true in your own life? There are people who let the most ridiculous things upset them, and there are those souls who soldier on despite burdens that would break most of us. I experienced both examples this weekend while DJing with the love of my life.

At the beginning of our show, on what I would later recall was a full moon, a gentleman asked to sing a song that another gentleman had already signed up for. For several reasons, we do allow this to happen. One, it is not very fun for those in attendance to hear the same song over and over again. Two, it often leads to the argument, “I sang that song better than you!” To eliminate both of those arguments, we just do not allow more than one person to sing the same song. When this gentleman was informed of this, he went into a rage. He yelled. He postured. We attempted to calmly explain why the rules are the way they are. He continued to sit at the bar and yell profanities. Keep in mind this was all because he did not get to sing his first choice of song…in a local bar…in front of people he did not know.

That man was eventually asked to leave. He vowed never to return on the way out the door. It is my believe that was more a relief to those present than anything else. That man let the fact he could not sing one song, out of the millions that exist, ruin not only his night, but negatively impact the night of all of those around him. There was a second man that night. He was quiet and polite. Sang his songs well and was nice to all of those around him. At the end of the night he was able to sing all of the songs that he signed up for. He asked Margie and I to pick a song for him. Being that we did not know the man that well, I just picked another song by an artist he had already sang. He agreed that was a great choice and sat down to happily wait until it was his turn to sing.

When it was his turn to sing, he was even more than happy to have another person who was there that night join him in singing the song. They did not even know each other. Roughly three-quarters of the way through the song, the man suddenly burst into tears and was unable to finish singing. After some consoling and gentle questioning, he revealed his 8-year-old daughter had passed away from cancer and that had triggered a memory of her. This man, who had been so polite and kind to not only Margie and myself, but to everyone that night, had been carrying a burden of pain far greater than anyone could have guessed. Even with that pain he had still found the quiet strength to do his best to bring joy to others through his song and his presence.

I certainly do not make claims to know the entire story of either man. What I do know is that life is far more enjoyable when we save our anger and frustration for things that really matter. The first man could have simply picked another song to sing. At the very least, he could have just decided not to sing without becoming belligerent. The second man displayed a strength of attempting to make it through life after what could be the greatest pain anyone could experience. That is the pain of losing a child. We are all guilty of becoming upset over things that do not really matter as much as we would like to believe. It only takes a situation like the one with the second man to remind us how much greater our struggles could be.

WHEN WE LOSE SOMEONE, LET US NOT COMPOUND IT🙏

Here is the first of two ideas that were brought to my attention at work on Saturday. The ironic thing is that I do not normally work on Saturday, so these two conversations were a great twist of fate. The first one is courtesy of a wonderful lady named Linda. She happens to stop into the post office when I am working in the morning. Through the course of time we have got to know each other a little. Tragically, Linda’s son passed away. She told me something that I think reflects on the kind of person she is. While healing from her own grief, she had the thought that she wanted to keep both her son’s friend and girlfriend in her life. This is something that I think is a great benefit to both parties.

All too often, when someone dear to us passes away, we lose touch with those that were connected to us through them. Whether that is because it is too painful of a reminder to see them, or because our paths no longer cross. This is a loss on top of a loss. It may be painful at first to see those who shared life with your loved one, but you are going to think of them regardless. It would be helpful to have someone in your life who is sharing the pain of losing that same person. It is also helpful to have someone to share happy and funny memories with. What a great way to keep your loved one alive in your heart! You may even learn new and wonderful things from each other about the person you are both missing.

As an added bonus, I think this helps those you decide to keep in your life realize that they matter as people. That they were not just important to you because they were connected to the loved one you both lost. In that way, you are helping each other and, in my humble opinion, would make those who have passed on very happy.

You might be wondering how you can keep these people in your life without it being awkward? I am going to share with you how Linda did it, because I think it was truly genius. First, her son’s good friend and fishing buddy. She knew his birthday was coming out and reached out to him. She asked if he could take him out to lunch. I am sure that will be both a tough and healing moment for both of them. Sharing memories, tears, laughter but helping each other heal as well. Then, her son’s girlfriend. To lose someone and still be included in their mother’s life is something that must be so special. Linda is sharing my books with her. They are reading and talking about them with each other. Not only are they filled with ideas to both handle grief, but add joy to your life as well. Reading them is great, sharing them with someone else and talking about them only makes them more powerful.

Linda taught me a great lesson that day. It is so important to keep people in your life. Even, and especially, after a loss. The ironic thing about this conversation is that she normally does not come into the post office on Saturday, and I do not normally work on Saturday. Yet, here we both were to offer healing and enlightenment to each other. If you would like to get one of my books and share them with a friend or loved one in your life, feel free to check them out at the link below.

CLICK HERE TO GET YOUR COPY OF ONE OR MORE OF MY BOOKS AND BEGIN SHARING THEM WITH SOMEONE YOU LOVE ❤️

WHAT HELPS ME WHEN I LOSE SOMEONE

My secret for grief

I want to start this post off with a disclaimer. In no way am I telling you how to grieve. That is a personal decision and you should always do what is right for you. What I am offering is what helps me get through those moments of loss in hopes it may be of some service to you as well.

As you can see in the picture above, I do my best to be the things I loved about the person I lost. This is not always easy, as I have lost some pretty amazing people. An example would be my grandfather. He was always a fair and honest man. When he spoke, you could tell it was something he thought through. He treated people kindly. Kind of the John Wayne type. (Bonus that his name was also John) I don’t always succeed at this because I am human, but I do my best to honor his memory but being as much of a gentleman as I can be.

We all miss someone

Even when there is someone we miss that has qualities that we simply don’t, we can still honor them. We can support others who are like them. We can do things in their memory. We can share stories about all the wonderful things they did or said. I just told Margie about how my aunt used to bake bread for everyone for the holidays. Not only was that a great memory, but it showed how she used her skills to make everyone happy. She also sewed me some Native American themed pillows. She never had much money, but that never stopped her from being generous. Read that last line again. It is a great lesson she taught me and reminds me of even though she is no longer here physically. Every time I use what gifts I have to bring joy to someone else, I can’t help but think of her. When I am feeling like I need more resources to make a difference, I am reminded how great of a difference she made with what little she had.

I even find that this method helps me appreciate people who are still with me. Knowing one day we will all be gone is one of the best motivators to live fully. Knowing that I will need to be what I love about people when they are gone also has me focused and appreciating them when they are alive. It prompts me to notice how they do what they do. If I don’t understand, I can ask them. Take my other aunt for an example. She is…how can one say…filterless. This can be a social liability, but it can also do some wonderful things. It breaks the ice when you meet new people. (I recall her recently telling a complete stranger that she took a cowboy bath) She also has the ability to get you to laugh or smile when it seems to be impossible. These are things I am going to miss about her when she is gone and so I do my best to enjoy them while she is here. It is also something I am going to do my best to carry on. Not sure about telling people I took a cowboy bath, but we will see.

However you grieve, make sure you allow yourself to do so. If you can, find a way that may add to your life and help you ease the sense of loss you feel. You don’t have to do the method that works for me, but I hope by sharing it with you I have provided you another healthy option. In order to help each other, I would love it if you would share the method that you find most helpful for dealing with the loss of someone you love. Remember, there is no wrong way to grieve, but your method might be just what someone is looking for to help them move forward after a terrible loss. Here at Secret2anamazinglife.com we share with each other in an effort to help us all live a more amazing life.

HOW CAN I LIVE WITHOUT YOU?

HOW DO I LIVE WITHOUT YOU? For those of us who have lived an appreciable amount of time this is a question we have asked. Maybe to ourselves, maybe to God, maybe to the universe or maybe to those who have passed away. We are left with words we wish we would have said, or things we wish we would have done with those we have lost. Even more often we see things that remind us of those who have passed on and we wish we could share those things with them.

What do we do with all of these thoughts? What do we do with all of this love? Let me begin by saying there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Whatever helps you get through is what you must do, as long is it does not bring harm to yourself or others. What I am about to share with you is what I feel not only helps me deal with loss, but helps others and honors those I am missing. If it doesn’t work for you that is ok. If you are looking for something to help you, it might be worth giving a try.

Why I am sharing this with you today? Last week I attended the Wisconsin State Fair, one of my favorite places to be. I even was fortunate enough to write several articles about the fair, including one for chow down in Milwaukee in which I mentioned going to the State Fair with my grandfather at least once a year. That sure made me miss that. It started to bring to mind people I have lost and what I always do to honor them.

In addition a few of the days I had parked a few blocks away next to a lady I had known for years in the neighborhood. This wonderful lady had lost her son a few years ago and was really having a tough time coming to terms with it. I cannot imagine the pain a parent would feel losing a child. It is something I wish no parent ever had to feel or go through. On a few occasions she stopped me to share stories about her son and how much she was still missing him. These moments often resulted in tears shared as well. She also shared stories with me from support groups she attended and what others in situations similar to hers were going through. Some of them were so painful I am not even going to share them here.

Needless to say, there are far too many parents going through this pain. With the rise of the opioid crisis, sadly the numbers look to be climbing. What solace can we offer anyone who has experienced a loss? That is the question that kept bouncing around in my head as I was hoping to offer something to this lady that would bring her even a measure of peace. What I told her is simply two things that I find work. Again, I am not sure they will help her, although I hope they do.

First, I mentioned keeping a journal in which she could write to her son. When she was having an especially hard night she could sit down and have a ‘conversation’ with her son. Sure, it is really a one-sided conversation, but it can be quite rewarding. From a practical standpoint it can help us get a better handle on what exactly we are feeling. The act of writing something down can bring a great amount of clarity. Especially it such an emotionally charged situation as death and grief.

It can also be a safe and healthy place to share our feelings. Sharing our feelings of sadness and grief each and every second can leave us wondering if we are being emotionally draining to others. Even if we have to most wonderful people in our lives who are extremely supportive, there are things we may not be comfortable sharing with others that we would want to say to our loved one who has left us.

The other idea I shared with her is an idea I began to put into practice when I lost my Grandmother. It has seen me through several moments of loss. That is doing what the picture above advocates. Taking the love that you have for that person you have lost and spreading it around. How do we manage to do this? Make sure you share what you feel with others. Never let a day go by without bringing light to another’s life.

The best way that I have found to honor others while healing myself is to do my best to replace some of the light the world has lost with their passing. I recall my Grandmother being welcoming and hospitable. So now I do my best to be that way. Whether it is when I DJ shows with Margie or even having people over for dinner, I do my best to get them what they need and be a gracious host. Certainly, you will not be able to do everything the person who has passed away could do. That is part of what makes each person in this world such a special gift. My Grandmother made a great cheesecake. I simply do not share her talent for that.

I humbly offered to this lady there might be a way to share some of the light her son shared while he was alive. She thought and mentioned how at his funeral people in a wrestling chat room he belonged to told her how much he always cheered them up. She said, “Maybe I could join that chat room and cheer up those young men.” I told her that was one great idea and she could always come up with more as time went on.

Nothing will ever replace the loss of a loved one, nor should it. We feel sadness and pain because we loved and loved a great soul. If there are ways we can honor our loved ones and bring a measure of joy and happiness to our souls and the world around us I believe it is worth a shot. Again, I put this forth to you with humble suggestion. There is no right or wrong way to deal with grief, this is merely what works for me and I share it with you in hopes it may help you as well.

If there is another way you use that helps you with the pain and sense of loss you feel, please share it in the comments below. There are a lot of others who are hurting and by coming together we may be able to bring a measure of peace to them. At the very least we can let them know they are not alone.