Today, in the United States, we celebrate Memorial Day. It is a day to honor all of those who have lost their lives serving their country. In a world that seems to be having new conflicts daily, we must keep this thought in mind.
Often, these brave men and women go to war to serve their country knowing what possible sacrifice might await. Those who do not make it home often leave behind a loving family. This family may often have to endure not only the pain of loss, but often financial worries in top of that. If there is one thing we can do to honor the fallen, is to make sure those they left behind are taken care of.
This memorial day, pause for a moment and thank all of those who sacrificed so you don’t have to. War sadly continues,and so do those who not come home. Let us all work together for peace to honor those who did not live to see it.
Recently, we lost my good friend Billy Spaulding. Professionally, Billy was a musician. I recall my first introduction was at Scotty’s Tavern where Margie had taken me to see him perform. He sang many great classic country songs with a host of guest performers including his late sister June. What would not appear on his business card, if he had one, was things like stand-up comedian, philosopher, matchmaker, and storyteller. The unique thing about Billy is that he was all of these roles, and he was them to his core. One of the most authentic people I have ever met.
Billy seemed to be a man of paradox, but the more you got to know him, the more they seemed to fit together. One evening I had the honor of introducing him before he performed. After I gave what I felt was a glowing introduction, Billy stepped up to the microphone. His response is still very clear in my mind. He looked at me and this is what he said, “Young man, if bullsh*t were an instrument, you would be a brass band.” Which was his way of saying thank you. I would share the very first thing he ever said to me that referenced the two religions he was raised with, but that might not be fit to print here.
Before you think Billy was just another off-color musician, let me share another fact about him. He read, studied and passionately believed his bible. He knew more about the good book than many preachers I have spoke with. One evening, during a break at a show, he put his arm around me and said, “Neil, you just have to love people like Jesus did. Thank guy knew what he was talking about.” After a brief pause to let me appreciate what he just told me, he added, “Sometimes I think you do to.” That was Billy, never letting the moment be serious for too long. He pushed for Margie and I to be together and was one of our biggest fans once we did. It will be a shame he will not be at our weddings.
My personal favorite thing about Billy was his ability to, and pure joy in, telling a story. I feature a brief summary of his life in the back of my second book, Living the Dream, for which Margie had him over for dinner. I assumed this interview would last a few minutes. Anyone who knows Billy in the slightest, knows what a foolish thought this was. There was about 20 minutes of video captured on my YouTube channel. I will share the link at the end of this post. That was only a small fraction of what was hours long discussion of his life, his thoughts on the world and countless jokes. If there was one thing that was apparent, it was that Billy loved his life and those in it.
Even at the darkest times, Billy knew how to use that unfailing sense of humor. When I had the great honor of being asked to give the eulogy for our dear friend Mr. Whelan, I was determined to do the best I could. Nervous as I was, it was important to give the man, and his family, the respect they deserved. After I had finished reading what I had written, I was overcome with emotion. Sensing my struggle, Billy left his seat, came up to me, shook my hand and said, “That was great! Now start working on mine.” Well Billy, I hope this does you justice.
I want to share my final memory with Billy. He came to see Margie and I at one of our shows. During a break, we were sitting at the bar sharing a cocktail and he had a faraway look in his eyes. Still looking into the distance he said to me, “Neil, you know I have shared the stage, and life, with some of the really great ones.” After a second, I put my hand on his shoulder and told him, “Billy, you are one of the great ones.” He looked at me with wide eyes and a big smile and yelled out, “And don’t I know it!” That was Billy, never letting the moment be serious for too long. Feel free to checkout the YouTube Video of our interview below. May it help his memory live on.
One of the most interesting things in my life has been regret. This emotion is certainly a tricky one. It can paralyze us. How many of us beat ourselves up over actions we took long ago that we can’t undo. I know I still do on occasion. I used to tell people that this was foolish. However, much like everything in life, I asked myself how I could use this feeling. The worse I felt, the more powerful the feeling was. That, in itself, was the answer. It was a very powerful emotion, albeit a negative one. How could I, and more to the point you, use this situation to our advantage?
Regret is one of the worst emotions. At funerals it even surpasses loss. Wishing you would have, or should have done or said this or that can torment you for the rest of your life. Here is what I have learned about regret – it can be something to be grateful for. This may sound crazy, but let me explain. In my own life there have been so many regrets. I think about the way I acted and treated certain people. Many of those words and actions cannot be undone. What those terrible feelings can do is drive me to treat everyone the best I can moving forward. I regret not taking better care of myself, but those feelings can help me focus on my physical and mental health moving forward.
A lot of people will tell you that you should get over regret. I am going to tell you to use it. Whenever those feelings crop up, find a way to do the opposite. Regret not telling someone you love them before they passed away? Reach out to a friend that is in your life currently and let them know how much you care. The best way to deal with regret is to put it to work for you creating an amazing life.
Wouldn’t it be great if you could go through life never experiencing a loss or a failure? What if I tell you that I actually live that life? As impossible as that may seem, it is true. Before you roll your eyes or think that I am joking, let me assure you this is not only 100% true, but you can do it too! This is not to say that you will not suffer heartache. Everything you aspire to accomplish will not always turn out as you had hoped. You will still face struggles along the way. There will still be relationship issues, maybe the loss of a job, or even worse, the loss of a loved one.
If you are a logical person, you might be asking yourself, “I thought he said we would never experience a loss?” As painful as some of these afore mentioned events are, they can be changed from a loss to a lesson. It involves a simple change of perspective. This may seem like I am splitting hairs, but hear me out. Does changing what we call something really change its reality? You bet. No, it will not bring that relationship, job or loved one back, but it will change your emotions about the situation. When we think about it, our emotions are our life. If you are happy and feeling good, your life is good, no matter what circumstances may be. If you are sad and feeling down, your life is not good, no matter how well situations may be playing out for you.
Using Nelson Mandela’s philosophy, we can see how we can never lose again either. My one caveat I would suggest is learning in both cases. Feel free to quote me on this one, I never lose, I either have a victory or a lesson. In both cases, I have learned. We can learn how to be a better life partner when we screw up a relationship. We can learn ways to improve ourselves, or align ourselves better with our passion when we lose a job. We can learn more about living with love, and less with regret when a loved one leaves us. This is not simple hyperbole, I have personally done all three.
If we learn from our mistakes, they are not a loss, but a lesson. Therefore, the only way we can lose in life, is to fail to learn. My relationship with the love of my life would not be nearly as amazing if I did not learn from my mistakes, both in past relationships, and in the wonderful one I share with her. Your relationship will have mistakes and challenges, it just shouldn’t keep having the same ones. The great thing about working for the United States Postal Service, is that they are always threatening to eliminate your job. Why is that a good thing? Sounds rather stressful doesn’t it? In a way it is, but once again, I have learned to put that stress to work for me. It reminds me to never allow my occupation to become my identity. This is a lesson that many of us could put into use. It also motivates me to pursue outside interests. To work on improving myself and my writing. Losing a loved one is never easy. It will be painful and I do not wish to marginalize that pain. However, I recall once I learned to use that pain to make sure that I loved everyone I care about to the fullest in my life, it became a great motivator. The only thing worse than the pain of loss, is to have that pain compounded with regret.
Do what Nelson Mandela does. Do what I do. Never allow yourself to simply lose in life again. When you turn everything in your life into a lesson, not only will it lessen the pain of perceived losses, but help you grow and develop as a person. There is no more powerful feeling to look life right in the eye and say, “I never lose. I either win or I learn.” You owe this to yourself.
Here is a point that I have made over and over again. What is right is always available to focus on. Why do more people not do that? Because what is wrong is also available to focus on. I do not have to tell you which one is presented to us more often. That is why both an optimist and a pessimist are equally right when it comes to life. The glass is both half-full as well as half-empty. If this is true, than what does it matter? It matters due to the distinct difference in emotional state that each perception has. Why is emotional state so important? In life, it is the determining factor! It is not money that decides the quality of life. If that were the case, no wealthy people would ever suffer any forms of anxiety or depression. We know that is the case. On the flip side, no poor people would ever be happy. We also know this is not the case.
If it is not finances that determine the quality of life, it must be health right? Having good health plays a big role in our emotional well-being and that is why it is so important to take control of our health and to do what we can to increase the quality of our health. That being said, it is not the determining factor in our emotional well-being. If that were the case, no sick people would ever be happy and no healthy people would ever be sad. In fact, our emotional state can play an important role in our physical healing. When we are in a good emotional place, our immune system is stronger and we are more likely to take actions that will lead to healthier outcomes. Negative emotions, on the other hand, will lower our immune response and can often generate physical ailments in the body. Have you ever worried yourself to a sick stomach? Ever gotten so angry that your blood pressure went through the roof? Imagine what would happen if we continued these emotional states chronically?
We have all heard the saying, “Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how you react to it.” The secret to our emotional state is focus and meaning. What we choose to focus on, and what we decide it means. Let us take the most difficult situation any of us can face; losing someone we love. We are going to experience the most terrible emotional pain. That is what happens. With great love we suffer great loss. What will we do with that pain? What will we decide that pain means? Does it mean that God does not love us and our life will be filled with pain? If that is what we decide, then yes. If we decide that it is a reminder of how much we can love and how important it is to cherish and create memories with those we love, than yes, that is what it will mean.
Please do not misunderstand me. I am not trying to minimize the pain of losing someone you love. Whenever you remember them, there will be feelings of loss and sorrow. It is what we do with those feelings that matter. It can serve as a great reminder to communicate with those who are close to the end or facing some serious medical challenges. It can also be a great reminder to create memories with those who are still with us, as life can change in a second.
Tough times and tough situations are never fun. Just remember, in every life there is plenty of good to focus on. This does not mean being ignorant to that which is less than ideal, but to perhaps reframe it so we can put it to use for us instead of allowing it to use us.
The Marx Brothers are one of my favorite comedy groups to watch. This band of brothers always had a million laughs a minute. Often, it takes watching their movies 3 or 4 times to catch all of the humor. This quote from the leader of the merry bunch really had me thinking. A few posts ago, we spoke about how to maintain your positive vibes around people that are difficult to get along with. If you haven’t read that one yet, I highly recommend you go back and do so. Yet, there are more than just negative people that can get you down. We are going to talk about how to deal with many different challenges today. Oddly enough, they all have a very similar solution.
Groucho lets us in on a key aspect to remaining happy – control. When we let someone, as we discussed in the post previously mentioned, or something get us sad, upset or any other emotion we do not wish to feel, we are giving that person or thing control over us. We are giving that person or thing the ability to dictate to us our own emotional well-being. If we stop and think about this, it is very easy to understand emotionally. In practice, however, it can be quite difficult to manage emotionally. We get upset. We get down and sometimes end up in a sort of emotional funk. It happens to me. It happens to all of us. The secret to an amazing life is not to expect to eliminate these experiences all together. We are human and on occasion our emotions will get the best of us. I still get in a funk. This time of year, with the cold weather and lack of sunshine, it is always a possibility. The secret to living an amazing life is to reduce both the frequency that these moments occur as well as their intensity.
Above is another powerful thought. Happiness is a choice. It is not always an easy end, but in order to get to that end, we have to chose to make that our destination. I opened my very first book, A Happy Life for Busy People, with this quote from Abraham Lincoln, “People are about as happy as they make their minds up to be.” If you decide that a happy life is important to you, settling for anything less will not do. True, you will still get down as we discussed, but when you are feeling that way, you will still know that happiness is where you are determined to be. Noticed I said determined not would like to be, or prefer to be. What do we do when we are determined to live in a state of happiness and inner peace and the world seems to have the exact opposite idea? We get to work!
Another great quote from Mr. Lincoln. If we are responsible for our own happiness, and we want to be in control of our own emotional well-being, what do we do when things get us down? That is a great question. I recommend starting by appreciating what those feelings are telling us. There are often great lessons to be learned in times of pain. If all we do is try to ‘deny’ our own emotions, not only will we miss the great lessons we could learn from them, but they are likely to return with a vengeance. If you are feeling sad, angry, lost, lonely or any other emotion, my first suggestion is to ask yourself why you are feeling that way. Let us say you are reeling from the loss of a loved one. You should not admonish yourself for feeling bad. Losing someone you care about can be one of the most difficult things we experience. Realize that in order to feel great loss, we must have been fortunate to feel great love. That is a blessing that not everyone has. We also had the great opportunity to share many amazing memories with that person. Our life, and our heart, will forever have a hole where that person used to be.
Now, after we have honored and discovered our emotions, which can take as long as we need it to, it is time to get to work. Begin by asking ourselves what the lesson we can get from life in regards to this tragic event. Could it be to make sure we treasure every moment with people we have in our lives? It could be that we need to take more pictures, make more memories and share more with each other while we can. How about to live and love without regret? After we have mined our negative emotions for the lessons they can teach us, it is time to put those lessons into action. Reach out to someone we have been meaning to. Plan and create memories with those we love. Make sure we are not so busy earning a living that we forget to create a life. As we take these actions, we can feel grateful for the lessons and reminders that the negative emotions have given us. That can take some time, but in the end, I think we can honestly come to terms with them.
In order to return our heart to a state of inner peace and joy, it make take utilizing some other tools. Many of these can be found in my second book, Living the Dream, but we are going to mention a few here. You could get together with family or friends to watch a funny movie (like the Marx brothers), we could listen to songs off our happy playlist. We can spend some time in one of our favorite spots in nature. I cannot stress enough how creating a list of things that bring us joy BEFORE we experience an emotional challenge is so important. When we find ourselves in a negative state, it can be next to impossible to think of things that bring us joy. I am sure you can all relate. Having such a list handy can literally be a life-saver in some cases.
We used the example of losing a loved one in this post because that is about the most difficult situation any of us can face. The same strategy can work if we are facing the end of a job, the end of a relationship or even just a morning commute filled with drivers who seem to being ‘using the force’ instead of watching the road. Discovering the true source and reason for our emotions, finding the lessons contained within them and then taking actions to learn from them and return our hearts to joy will work in all of these. It will also allow US to have control over OUR emotions instead of putting the key to them in someone else’s pocket. Do you want to have control over your own happiness, or would you rather let someone else control you?
The above picture was taken in fern Gully Jamaica in 2019. Margie and I had met this very nice lady, I think her name was Stephanie, on the tour we were on. It was truly a wonderful vacation where we met a lot of nice people. I often reflect on what a good time we had and miss being somewhere tropical with my love. We are currently planning on taking another trip in February to somewhere warm and sunny. It is tricky not to have my mind back in 2019, or look forward a couple of months to our next adventure. It certainly helps to do that when the temperature was well below freezing and the weatherman was cautioning you to stay inside.
Having these little mental vacations is not only helpful, it is recommended to maintain your sanity. They were only made possible by creating those memories in the moment. In a world where many of us post pictures of every meal we eat, it is just as important to slow down and enjoy the meal as we eat it. What good would it do us to look back at a picture of a mouth-watering meal and not remember what it tastes like? The picture from Jamaica was taken because we really enjoyed this young lady’s hospitality and wanted to remember the good time we had.
Here is another picture from a trip Margie and I went on. This one was to a city about an hour or so from where we live. We did so many fun things while we were there. One of my favorites was discovering a coffee shop that employed people with mental and physical challenges, giving them valuable experience in the workplace and an opportunity to feel how important and valuable they are. I even have a sticker from that coffee shop on the laptop I write on. If I would have stayed focused on how much I enjoyed our Jamaican vacation, I would not have been able to enjoy this one to the fullest. That would have been a shame. Not to mention, I was lucky enough to enjoy both of them with this beautiful lady.
During the holidays, this can be tough advice to follow. Especially, when we lose someone we really care about. Above is a picture of my grandparents. I recall a house full of people. My grandmother, and other relatives, making enough food for at least twice as many people as were present. It seemed the whole family got together. They have long passed away. The family does not seem to gather like it used to. I not only miss them, but those moments. Then I remind myself to do one thing – look around the table. It is very hard not to let our sadness of missing those we love overcome our gratitude for those we still have in our lives. This is brought home every time that I scroll through my friends on social media. I notice how many people, young and old, are no longer with us. It would be a shame to be missing them and not be able to appreciate the long list of those still with us. While our hearts are longing for those who left us, please let us look up and feel a great deal of love and gratitude for those who we are still blessed to have in our lives. Next year the list may be smaller and it would do our hearts good to know that we took the time to appreciate them while they were here. Loss is painful, but it is only made worse by regret.
One way to ease the burden of loss is to know that we lived, laughed and loved with those who meant the most to us. It will not only help us ease the feelings of loss we have for those who have already gone, but help that same feelings of those we will tragically lose in the future. Love who you have as much as you can and your life will be full of joy and peace.
Here is the first of two ideas that were brought to my attention at work on Saturday. The ironic thing is that I do not normally work on Saturday, so these two conversations were a great twist of fate. The first one is courtesy of a wonderful lady named Linda. She happens to stop into the post office when I am working in the morning. Through the course of time we have got to know each other a little. Tragically, Linda’s son passed away. She told me something that I think reflects on the kind of person she is. While healing from her own grief, she had the thought that she wanted to keep both her son’s friend and girlfriend in her life. This is something that I think is a great benefit to both parties.
All too often, when someone dear to us passes away, we lose touch with those that were connected to us through them. Whether that is because it is too painful of a reminder to see them, or because our paths no longer cross. This is a loss on top of a loss. It may be painful at first to see those who shared life with your loved one, but you are going to think of them regardless. It would be helpful to have someone in your life who is sharing the pain of losing that same person. It is also helpful to have someone to share happy and funny memories with. What a great way to keep your loved one alive in your heart! You may even learn new and wonderful things from each other about the person you are both missing.
As an added bonus, I think this helps those you decide to keep in your life realize that they matter as people. That they were not just important to you because they were connected to the loved one you both lost. In that way, you are helping each other and, in my humble opinion, would make those who have passed on very happy.
You might be wondering how you can keep these people in your life without it being awkward? I am going to share with you how Linda did it, because I think it was truly genius. First, her son’s good friend and fishing buddy. She knew his birthday was coming out and reached out to him. She asked if he could take him out to lunch. I am sure that will be both a tough and healing moment for both of them. Sharing memories, tears, laughter but helping each other heal as well. Then, her son’s girlfriend. To lose someone and still be included in their mother’s life is something that must be so special. Linda is sharing my books with her. They are reading and talking about them with each other. Not only are they filled with ideas to both handle grief, but add joy to your life as well. Reading them is great, sharing them with someone else and talking about them only makes them more powerful.
Linda taught me a great lesson that day. It is so important to keep people in your life. Even, and especially, after a loss. The ironic thing about this conversation is that she normally does not come into the post office on Saturday, and I do not normally work on Saturday. Yet, here we both were to offer healing and enlightenment to each other. If you would like to get one of my books and share them with a friend or loved one in your life, feel free to check them out at the link below.
The joy of hard times? Were you dropped on your head when you young or what Neil? Actually, that did happen once, but that is a story for a different time. You might think the idea of hard times containing any amount of joy is a crazy notion, but just a little reflection can tell us there is a great deal of truth in that idea.
As the picture with the great philosopher, Winnie-the-Pooh shows us, one of the way hard times bring us joy is the revealing of true friends. How many times have you faced a challenging situation, only to receive an act of kindness from a friend that was completely unexpected and overwhelmingly gracious? It has been my good fortune to experience more of those than I can count. You may know that you have a good friend, but in challenging times we have the ability to feel that we have a good friend.
The revelation of true friends, although one of my favorite, is not the only gift of joy hard times give us. There are others that we need to appreciate. One of them is the gift of resilience. If someone said they consider you a resilient person, would that not be a good compliment? Yet, if we were to think about it, how could one become resilient without facing a good deal of hard times and surviving them? How resilient would you be if everything was provided for you? If you never had to withstand any of the storms of life, how strong would your character be? Many of you might be mumbling under your breath, “Keep your resilience! I don’t want anymore challenges.” I can understand that. It is never a good feeling to have life throw something at us that we were truly not expecting, but that does not change the fact that it contains something that is helpful.
Which brings us to the last gift that hard times bring us – manure! You may be wondering what the product that comes out of the wrong end of an animal has anything to do with our life and our suffering? Plenty! There are things that happen in life that happen to us that are a complete pile of…well…let us say manure to keep the censors happy. Much like the organic product itself, these life problems stink and we wish they were not a part of our lives. That does not mean we cannot put this to work for us. One of the main uses of manure is for fertilizer. The same is true of the manure in our lives. Our challenges, our set backs and all of the manure type events in our lives can either make our life stink, or we can use it to grow some wonderful blessings. A seed that is buried in the ground and covered in…manure, which can be how our lives feel at certain points, grows into a tough and sturdy plant. Let the manure in our life do the same for us.
Hard times never feel good and it is my sincere wish that all of you never experience more hard times than can be helped. As much as I wish that, we are all bound to experience some times that really challenge our ability to smile. It is that deep knowing and understanding that even in the darkest of times there is light to be found, that can keep us moving forward. Look for the gifts in the hard times my friends. Notice the friends that reach out and help. Feel the strength of character and resilience you are building by just withstanding the storm. Use all of the manure situations in life as fertilizer and grow blessings out of the dung that life throws at us.
I want to start this post off with a disclaimer. In no way am I telling you how to grieve. That is a personal decision and you should always do what is right for you. What I am offering is what helps me get through those moments of loss in hopes it may be of some service to you as well.
As you can see in the picture above, I do my best to be the things I loved about the person I lost. This is not always easy, as I have lost some pretty amazing people. An example would be my grandfather.He was always a fair and honest man. When he spoke, you could tell it was something he thought through. He treated people kindly. Kind of the John Wayne type. (Bonus that his name was also John)I don’t always succeed at this because I am human, but I do my best to honor his memory but being as much of a gentleman as I can be.
We all miss someone
Even when there is someone we miss that has qualities that we simply don’t, we can still honor them. We can support others who are like them. We can do things in their memory. We can share stories about all the wonderful things they did or said. I just told Margie about how my aunt used to bake bread for everyone for the holidays. Not only was that a great memory, but it showed how she used her skills to make everyone happy. She also sewed me some Native American themed pillows. She never had much money, but that never stopped her from being generous. Read that last line again. It is a great lesson she taught me and reminds me of even though she is no longer here physically. Every time I use what gifts I have to bring joy to someone else, I can’t help but think of her. When I am feeling like I need more resources to make a difference, I am reminded how great of a difference she made with what little she had.
I even find that this method helps me appreciate people who are still with me. Knowing one day we will all be gone is one of the best motivators to live fully. Knowing that I will need to be what I love about people when they are gone also has me focused and appreciating them when they are alive. It prompts me to notice how they do what they do. If I don’t understand, I can ask them. Take my other aunt for an example. She is…how can one say…filterless. This can be a social liability, but it can also do some wonderful things. It breaks the ice when you meet new people. (I recall her recently telling a complete stranger that she took a cowboy bath) She also has the ability to get you to laugh or smile when it seems to be impossible. These are things I am going to miss about her when she is gone and so I do my best to enjoy them while she is here. It is also something I am going to do my best to carry on. Not sure about telling people I took a cowboy bath, but we will see.
However you grieve, make sure you allow yourself to do so. If you can, find a way that may add to your life and help you ease the sense of loss you feel. You don’t have to do the method that works for me, but I hope by sharing it with you I have provided you another healthy option. In order to help each other, I would love it if you would share the method that you find most helpful for dealing with the loss of someone you love. Remember, there is no wrong way to grieve, but your method might be just what someone is looking for to help them move forward after a terrible loss. Here at Secret2anamazinglife.com we share with each other in an effort to help us all live a more amazing life.
SECRET 2 AN AMAZING LIFE 