Today’s post has a simple message. I understand the picture is a lot to read, but it leaves us with a really good message. Never force your way of living on someone else. When your expectation, or worse yet standard, is that everyone should live, think and believe as you do it will cause you a great deal of anger and sadness. When you are tempted to force your beliefs on someone else, imagine how you would feel if someone did that to you?
Once again, I feel like this should be common sense, but in today’s world far too many of us seem upset by those who are different than us. This is not only a ridiculous expectation, it is one that will never be fulfilled. Leaving us constantly frustrated. Who would want to live a life like that? You do not have to condone every difference that people have to respect it. You can think to yourself, “That is not for me, but I am glad it makes them happy.” What leads us all to be better versions of ourselves can often be different for each of us. We are going to take a deeper look at this later in the week. Today let us understand that forcing our way of life on someone else, or even expecting them to share our way of life, will only lead to a frustrated and unhappy life for all parties. Learn to respect other’s differences as so many do for you. Can you imagine if everyone who disagreed with some aspect of your life came up to you to argue with the intent of you living more like them? Why on earth would you take this approach to anyone else? Let us all learn to respect and love one another.
Recently, while writing these posts, I noticed that this site had passed a total of 3000 posts. This is post number 3009. That means, if you were to read a post a day, you would have over 8 years worth of reading. The funny thing about this was this milestone was reached while we were busy celebrating a month of gratitude posts. We were so busy creating content that will help us all live an amazing life that we did not even notice we had reached 3000 posts. This brought up a point that I think would be good to revisit.
In our own life we often take time to criticize others. The people who you do not hear doing this are those who are working hard to make the most of their life. Why? Time spent saying something judgmental or critical about someone else is time that could, and should, be used to better your own life. Next time you are tempted to be critical, ask yourself a few very important questions. Is what I am about to say beneficial to me in any way? Would the time I am about use making this statement be better served working on improving my own life? Is my own life perfect? The answers to these questions should be pretty obvious for most of us.
If you want an amazing life, your focus should be solely on your own life. What can you do to become the best version of yourself? Here is a fact that may seem sobering, but can also be liberating. You will never be the best version of yourself. The more we learn and experience in life, the more that we can grow and develop. In the world of self-improvement there is not a finish line. That means there is opportunity to improve every day. When we spend time being critical of others and the life they are living, we are moving further away from becoming the best version of ourselves. We are sacrificing improving our own life to put another life down. It makes no sense and in counter-productive to becoming the best version of ourselves.
This is one of those post that do not seem like should have to be written. For most of you reading a site like this, they don’t. Not that long ago a coworker was lamenting to me the difference between two religious groups. “Why can’t the one just understand their religion is the wrong one?” he asked. You may already guess which group his beliefs line up with. I inquired if it had ever occurred to him that the other group may just as fairly ask the same question. “No, of course not because their beliefs are wrong.” He made this statement while looking at me as if I was being willfully ignorant. When I encountered as to why his beliefs were correct and they other group was not, he said because his religion said so.
I would imagine whatever faith you belong to, they have a vested interest in convincing you that it is the one true religion. It is certainly ok for someone to think and have a strong conviction that is the case. What is not fair is to go around judging others who feel the same about their beliefs. If we do our research, I am sure there are belief systems that are older than ours. There are ones that may be followed by more people. Our faith is largely determined by our geographic location and that of our ancestors. It would make sense that people who live in a different part of the world may have different beliefs. Do you know what? That is ok. As long as we teach our children, both by words and actions, that treating all people with dignity and respect is what matters most.
Do not be blind to the fact that others have an equal right to have a belief and conviction in their faith as do we. It very well might be different and that is ok as well. What is not ok is to treat each other harshly or even violently over those differences. You can have respectful differences and still love your neighbor. That is part of what being the best version of yourself is all about.
Imagine seeing a man wearing such a hat walking down your street. This man, Steve, lived in my city and quite often walked the streets wearing this hat and often dressed in the most outlandish outfits. Many people were cruel and mocked him as he walked past. Some shouted mean and hurtful things as they drove past him. None of them asked him about his hat or why he dressed as he did. In fact, very few actually stopped to get to know the man in the hat.If you asked people in the city if they knew of the man in the crazy hat, most of them would say “Yes!” If you further asked them what his name was, they would be silent. One person even told me, “Why would I want to talk to a crazy person like that?”
His name was Steve. I had the pleasure of sharing a breakfast with him at a charity event. Not only was he not crazy, he was polite, insightful and kind. He had a chemistry degree and held several patents. The story behind the hat and the outfits is a rather personal and tragic one. Although that is what the majority of people wanted to know, it actually was one of the least remarkable things about this man. Most people wanted to know, “Why does he wear the hat?” Very few stopped to ask, “Who is the man under the hat?” If they had, they would have met a caring and soft-spoken man who was enjoyable to talk to.
In today’s world we can be quick to judge without knowing the story behind the person. It reminds me of a story that the author Stephen Covey shared. He was on the subway with a man whose children were running wild and the man just sat there doing nothing. The kids were running, yelling and jumping. Can you imagine yourself in Stephen’s situation? How frustrating would that be? You are just trying to get where you are going meanwhile these children are misbehaving and their father seems to either not notice or care. Finally, Stephen had enough and said to the man that he should do something about his children. The man looked up with tears in his eyes and said, “I am sorry you are right. We just came back from the hospital where their mother died. They really don’t know how to act right now and neither do I.” Guess how Stephen felt then?
Whether it is children running crazy on a subway, or a man who walks around in a crazy hat and outfits, let us seek to understand instead of judge. Something that life will always remind us of is that none of us have all the answers. We all have our quirks and faults. If our life was to be laid bare and our skeletons let out of the closet, we would be praying that nobody judged us. Let us afford each other the same courtesy.
How simple would this change be? Smiling more. Working to the see the good verses seeing the bad in people. Doing random acts of kindness. It would not be that difficult at all. Something everyone could do. It doesn’t take any money. It really wouldn’t require anymore effort than it takes to see the negative.
Can you imagine if just half of the 8 billion people on the planet did that? How about if all 8 billion people did it just half of the time? It is not a difficult concept.
Think of some examples. Sports. Can you imagine opponents giving compliments instead of trash talking or putting each other down? Even just half of the time. How about politicians?What if they attempted to see the good in each other just 50% of the time? That may inspire their followers to do the same. Here is one we might not think of –religion. Can you imagine if faiths preached acceptance and compassion for those of different faiths? Again, just half of the time. Imagine the difference that would make in the minds of their followers?
This doesn’t have to be some crazy fantasy. It can happen. If you are an athlete, politician or person of faith, use your position to put forth these ideas. Tell those in power you would like them to do so. Most importantly, be an example of it in your own life!
I consider myself a person with a good deal of empathy and who genuinely wants the best for others. When I see someone in a situation that is less than ideal, it breaks my heart. When I hear sirens racing to help someone I send a silent prayer for the well-being of parties on both sides of that siren. When I see someone stuck on the side of the road, I say with sincerity, “I hope you have a better day my friend.” As someone who has found themselves on the wrong side of a siren going to the hospital, and stuck on the side of the road, and once in a busy intersection, I can feel for these folks. This also holds true when I see people living a life that is less than they can. I see someone who is always drinking, I feel bad that they seem to be wasting a good deal of their life. When I see someone who exists in a constant state of anger, I feel bad that they will miss a lot of the joy life may hold.
I often feel for and pray for these people as well. Then it occurred to me. Just like sending a prayer for people on both sides of the siren, I need to pray for both people on the side of this situation. In my empathy, I am also doing a form of judging these people. I do not know what caused them to be in this situation. Maybe they have a right to be angry all the time? Maybe that person who is drinking is dealing with far more than they let on? It was then I began to realize I needed to wish that I would be blessed with a little more compassion. It was not my decision to decide what is the best life for anyone. Although it was done with a hope and desire for everyone to live their most amazing life, it was not my place. I realized, in some small way, I was taking the job of God. Then I began to pray for myself to have a great deal more understanding and compassion.
Have you found yourself harshly judging others? Even if we do it with a hope and desire that they may find a way to improve, we need to understand we do not, and will never, know their entire story. May we all wish the best for each other, but may we also do so with the greatest amount of compassion and understanding.
This was actually on the end of the string of a tea bag I was enjoying before writing this. It made me stop and think. Life really is 10% what happens to us and 90% what we do with it. This includes what meaning we assign events in our life. We lost our job. Does that mean we are a failure like our parents told us we would be because we didn’t go to college? Does it mean that the universe is pushing us in a different direction where we can better serve others and in turn be more fulfilled ourselves? The answer to both is the same – yes and no.
Are you confused so far?The reason why it can mean two entirely different things is because things mean what we decide they mean. This is why the old adage Never make a permanent decision based on a temporary emotion is so important. What we decide things mean can be swayed a great deal by the emotional state we are in. Another reason that maintaining a sunny disposition can serve us in many more ways than just feeling good. Let us use the popular situation of having a disagreement with our spouse. Perhaps it is a big one. It may seem at the time that this person has entirely different values than we do. It may seem like they do not care or respect our values. Going on that assumption, it would seem a rather pointless endeavor to pursue this relationship further. After we give our chance to cool off and engage in some calm communication, we are likely to discover this is not the case at all. Maybe our partner misunderstood what the situation meant to us. Maybe they do have a value that appears to be in conflict with ours in this situation. Instead of saying it is hopeless, ask yourself how both of your values could be honored.
One of my favorite quotes right here. “There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” I think Mr. Shakespeare was on to something here. Trust me when I tell you that I thought this statement was filled with more fertilizer that a farmer’s field in spring. “Easy for you to say Billy! I just lost my job and my family is depending on me. You have been dead for hundreds of years!”I figured once you have passed on you no longer have to worry about gainful employment or, more to the point, of losing said employment. While this may be true, I’ll have to get back to you on that from the great beyond, it doesn’t change the truth of the quote. In the job loss example from above there are two ways of viewing what happened and they are pretty close to the opposite. Either one could also be right.
If this is true, and unless someone can convince me differently, it most certainly is. What is the point of doing our best to view things in a positive light? Why be one of those people. You know the ones. Everything seems to be going from bad to worse for them and they act as if they are about to open their birthday presents. What do we say about those people? They have their heads in the clouds? They are wearing rose-colored glasses? It is not that they are denying that there are possibilities that things could be bad, because they can. They are focused on the fact that things could have happened for a good reason. Is that possibly true? Could it be possible that the reason we stepped in little gift our neighbor’s dog left us on the sidewalk could have been for a good reason? What if it ruined our favorite dress shoes? The ones we just bought…for a whole lot of money? How on earth could all of this be a good thing? Let me ask you this question. Is it possible, not 100% certain just possible, that the time we spent changing our pair of shoes and cursing at the neighbor’s dog despite the fact he does not speak a human language, saved us from something worse? Could it be possible that time put us a bit behind which caused us to miss the driver who went through a red light 2 miles down the road where we would have been? Is this possible? Of course it is. There are a million other reasons why it could have happened. Some good, some bad.
We are again faced with the question, “Why choose to focus on the positive reasons for a negative situation?” For one, it really pisses off our negative friends, which is always kind of fun. More importantly, it helps us maintain a healthy emotional state. Why does that matter? In our first example of a job loss, the positive explanation was the universe was pushing us to do something that would be more personally fulfilling and serve the greater good. If we were to believe this what actions would we take? We would begin to think what we are passionate about. We would consider how we could pursue that interest that may benefit us from an economic position. We could look for ways to use our passion to solve a problem or serve others, which would lead to an economic opportunity. Even if we needed to take some other employment while we thought about these things, we still would have a driven and optimistic attitude. This could help us weather continued challenges.
What if we believed that we have just grown to become the failure we were told we were going to be? What actions would be take then? We may take whatever job is first offered to us. We would not do so while looking for better opportunities such as the first example. No, we may think that is what we deserve for being a failure. We may think thoughts such as, “Why even bother looking for a job I would love? I will just fail at that too.” or “Nobody will hire a failure like me so why should I even bother applying?” If we feel that this happened for a negative reason such as the world is a cruel place, we have bad luck or some other less than inspiring thought, how motivated would we be to take action? Not very. After all, if the world is a cruel place and we always have bad luck why bother trying. Guess what happens if we take that road? If we stop taking action towards improving our situation, it is 100% certain that our situation will not improve. Then, at least we can feel that we were right about that. In fact, as long as we feel that way about our situation, we will act that way. If we continue to act that way, our situation will be that way. It is some sort of suck-filled, self-fulfilling prophecy.
I hope you can see the power in how we chose to perceive the world and our place in it. It should be apparent why deciding to focus on the positive possibilities is far more helpful at resolving a negative situation than focusing on the negative possibilities. Life is hard enough, do not work against yourself. By choosing to focus on positive possibilities, we see everything as a gift. That kind of mindset will have you feeling as if every day is a chance to open birthday presents. Oh, and if somebody accuses you of having your head in the clouds? Just tell them they should really join you because the air is so much better up there. If they say you are wearing rose-colored glasses? Ask if they want to try them on. Tell them how much better the world looks through them.
Welcome to day 3 of our happiness journey! As a quick reminder we are starting from the bottom of staircase and climbing our way to a happier and more amazing life. A quick review of day 2. Watch less, do more was our guide. As we discussed, watching can have a great deal of benefits but nothing compares to being out in the arena taking action!
Now let us get to today, day 3! This day may be one of the hardest days for a lot of people. Judge less, accept more. It can be hard for many of us to accept those who live their lives in a different manner than we feel is right. The one fact we must keep in the front of our mind is that it is their life to live. We may disagree with how they are spending their days, but it is their time they are spending. Often, some of our most passionate beliefs such as spiritual, sexual and political can be the hardest to accept someone that is different than us. One of my main goals as a writer is to help the world be more unified and accepting.
One fact that people often confuse is they feel one way can only exist in humanity. I have friends who have different sexual preferences than I do. Never, have I felt that either one of us would have to change how we are in order to be friends. Never have I thought less of them because they do. I have friends of many different spiritual beliefs. I feel their differences often show me ways to enhance and deepen my own beliefs. Politics…I seldom see the benefit to judging or trying to change anyone in this arena. As long as there exists love, I feel any other difference can be overcome. Which leads me to conclude that to limit our judgement, we do not need to work on increasing our acceptance, but on increasing our love.
One area in which I struggle with is watching others live a life that is far less than I know they are capable of. I see people act and speak in ways that often bring chaos and unhappiness into their lives. All I see is the beautiful person inside that has so much to offer the world. It can be tempting to relieve some of this frustration by offering to help them by sharing things I have learned that allowed me to turn my own life around. I must remember that this path is not for everyone and that some people are more content to live their lives in the manner in which they do. As an odd twist of fate, I found that loving and accepting those people can help them even more than the words and ideas I can share. Like I said, it is something I am working on.
If you feel comfortable sharing some of your struggles in turning judgement into acceptance in your own life, I think we all would love to hear them. Sometimes that might give others the strength and inspiration to do the same.
This month is generally a month of love. It includes the holiday of Valentines Day. You can see hearts almost everywhere you look. I am going to ask we do our best to love all of our fellow human beings. (and dogs, bears, monkeys…etc) Do your best this weekend to be free of judgement.
This may sound easy at first. Two days without judging anyone? It is harder than it may seem. Some of our judgements are so ingrained in us we may be unaware we are even doing them. We see and senior and assume they are frail. We may see a person with blue hair, or a mohawk, and assume they are a rebellious rule breaker.
Some judgements may come from social conditioning. We see a person who is overweight and assume they are lazy or do not have any physical stamina. Maybe we have been taught certain beliefs about those of a certain race or religion? How about those of a certain political affiliation? Those who live in a particular area? All of these beliefs are actually judgements.
Some judgments we may feel we have a right to hold. A fellow driver cuts you off, passes you illegally and speed off into the horizon. This person is a rude, dangerous and unsafe individual right? Maybe they are someone who is rushing to the bedside of someone they love who is passing away? Maybe they just have to poop? Someone snaps at you at the grocery store? They are just rude and impatient? Maybe they just lost their job or had a disagreement with their spouse?
The truth is we really never know what everyone’s story may be. Even the people we know to be mean or insensitive can be so for reasons we may never know. They could have been abused growing up. They could be plagued by feelings of inadequacy and doubt. Most actions we consider mean or rude are veiled cries for help. That certainly does not excuse or justify their behavior, but it may give us pause before we judge.
This weekend, let us do our best to remember everyone has a story including us. Everyone has something they are judged by, including us. Let us do our small part to remove a little bit of judgement from the world starting today.
This ties in with our last post. What we are focused on is what we will see. See if this sounds familiar. You ask a friend where something is, they tell you it is in a cabinet that you are sure it is not in. So, to pacify your friend and because you have no idea where it is you begin to look through this cabinet that you are certain it is not in. You look and look and do not see it. Finally, you yell to the room where your friend is, “I told you it was not in here!” Your helpful friend comes into the room, reaches right in front of you and takes the item out of the cabinet. “I swear I looked everywhere!” You exclaim.
Why did your eyes not see something that was right in front of your face? It was your brain that told your eyes it was not there. Before we delve further into that explanation, let us do one more fun quick experiment. I found this to really make this point clear for me. Get comfortable wherever you are reading this. Now, for the next ten seconds look around and find everything you can that is red….look for red… keep looking… ok now close your eyes (unless you are in your car of course) now with your eyes closed think of everything you saw that was….brown. It may be hard to recall much of anything because you were focused on the red. Same with life. There might be lots of positive things around you that you simply do not see. One more interesting thing, when looking for red things, did your mind make adjustments? Maybe see something burgundy and call it red just so you could have another thing? Our minds do this as well.
How is this physically possible? Our brains create what is called a psychological scotoma. We create a mental inability to conceive even the possibility of seeing that aspect, due to a mentality that lacks any provision for it. In simple terms, if our brain says it can’t be so, our eyes simply say “You are the boss.” and do not see it.
While this is fascinating and a neat parlor trick when it comes to containers of salt in a cabinet or colors of objects in a room, it amounts to something greater. We have proven to ourselves through our little color experiment how we can not only see what we are focused on, but just as important, not see what we do not focus on. If this works with the situations we mentioned above, how do you think this translates to other areas of our life? Like our perceptions of certain races of people? Maybe people affiliated with political parties? How everything in our life is terrible and the world is against us. There may be plenty of evidence to the contrary right in front of our face, but because our brain does not want to be wrong it will literally block it out.
Think of some of your most steadfast beliefs. Maybe it is that some races are all criminals, or terrorists or just plain lazy. Maybe it is that everybody that belongs to a certain political party has a pact with the devil. Try asking yourself could this maybe not be entirely true? Is there maybe one great person in the race you have a negative opinion of? If so, couldn’t there be more? Maybe some of the ideas coming from the opposite political party have some merit to them? Maybe a blending of those ideas with your party could yield an even greater solution?
When our minds open up to see the good and beauty in more of the world, our eyes will follow as well. That will only lead to a more positive and rewarding life for us.
SECRET 2 AN AMAZING LIFE 