Oscar Wilde sure was an amusing gent. This quote is sadly accurate. I’m not sure what happens as we age, but for a good many of us life becomes “wake up, work, pay bills and repeat.” This continues until one day we don’t wake up at all.
In preparation for my upcoming book, I have been asking people their take on what they believe can help put the passion back in life. There have been some great answers given. It was one gentleman’s failure to have an answer that really started me thinking.
We will call this gentleman Bill. He can retire at any moment he chooses. He has enough years, his house is paid off and he has a good amount saved for retirement. In addition, Bill spends a good amount of time and energy complaining about the job. His age, the cold and the aches and pains of not being a young man anymore.
I inquired with Bill why he doesn’t retire off into the sunset. His answer surprised me. “I don’t want to be bored.” He said. There was a great deal of sadness and resignation in his tone. He went on to explain that he really doesn’t have any hobbies. There is nothing that he really looks forward too. In not so many words, Bill confessed being the the “wake up, pay bills and repeat” cycle for so long he forgot that there was anything else out there.
Hopefully, Bill will find himself once again and enjoy life and family. He is not alone in this circumstance. Many people die shortly after retirement. It is due to a lack of purpose. They tie their identity to their occupation. When that ends, they feel they have no value and no purpose for being. Make sure not to find yourself in this situation. Do not just exist. Make sure to live!
In both the Testament of Solomon and the Talmud, it was said that King Solomon enslaved demons and forced them to build the temple. As most of you know, this blog is not about religion or what you believe. This story can be interpreted in a way that I feel can help us lead a far more disciplined and productive life. What can a king from over 2000 years ago help us discover secrets to an amazing life? More importantly, what can enslaving demons to build a temple teach us about creating a successful life today? Plenty. It is all in how we look at this story.
Let us take a look at what temple you are building. Certainly, there are many different kinds of temples. If everyone in the world built a temple, would that not require a great deal of real estate? Even if just everyone reading this blog built a temple, I fear it would cost some wonderful four-legged friends we share the planet with their homes. Lucky for us, the temple does not have to be a building. Unless of course that is the thing you actually do. In the modern world, your temple can be anything you are building to honor the life you have been given. It can be a fit body, like the couple above. It can be an amazing cake like my lovely lady creates. It can be a clean house, a healthy relationship, or even writing a fourth book like I am endeavoring to do. What you are working on is your temple.
You might find yourself at this point asking, “Can I really summon a demon to help me make it to the gym?” The answer is both yes and no. For those of you that are frightened by this whole prospect, let me assure you that we are not talking about engaging in diabolical behavior and summoning some demonic creature with wings and a tail. In some ways these demons are a lot closer, and to me, a lot scarier. The demons are the parts of us working to sabotage our success. It is what some people refer to as the “Dark side of humanity.” There are some who say it is best to bury and pretend our dark side does not exist. Not only is this a fool’s errand, but if you do not get control of your dark side, your personal demons if you will, they will get control of you at the worst times. Let us take a look at what I mean by this.
Who are these demons? They are the dark parts of us that often hold us back in life. It could be the demon of anger that causes us to say hurtful things to our spouse in the heat of an argument. It could be the demon of distraction that keeps us from focusing on our goals. Did I mention that I am still working on my fourth book? As you can see, fighting these demons is a daily job. It is not simply ‘resisting’ them. It is acknowledging them and then using that energy they take for constructive purpose. If you get angry during a heated disagreement, say to your demon of anger, “I see you tempting me to tear into this person. I am not going to let you destroy another relationship in my life.” Then use that energy to go for a run, or dive deep into improving the quality of your relationship. How about that all too present demon of distraction? Trust me, this one is everywhere. We even carry it in our pocket everywhere we go. I can’t tell you how tempting it is to practice my chair dancing skills when a good song comes on at the coffee shop I am supposed to be writing at. In this case, I say to that demon of distraction, “I see you there trying to shift my focus.” Perhaps I use that energy to focus on completing 1000 words so I can dance to my hearts content?
I do not know what demons you are currently facing. It could be distraction, laziness, procrastination. There are so many that do there best to keep us from building our temple. Whatever that successful life looks like for us. It is in acknowledging that dark side of us and using the energy it contains to push us one step closer to an amazing life. This is not easy. It is a daily fight and a difficult struggle. The rewards are the amazing life that we deserve. Do not give in to your demons. Use them to build your temple!
This is one of these messages that can be tough to read and even tougher to experience. Comfort can be a great thing and is the goal of many people. As wonderful as comfort is, it can prevent us from growth and many experiences that will bless our lives and give us the power to help others. Maybe it is the job or relationship that you stay in despite knowing that it is not for you. It isn’t bad, but it is not helping you grow. Your job may be draining your soul, but it is paying your bills. Sometimes the universe knows that you could make a far bigger impact if only you trusted yourself to move on from what is not serving you.
I cannot count the times that this has been true in my own life. Far too often growth only happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of changing. Growth and increase are often uncomfortable. When we leave certain elements of our past behind to become a better version of ourselves it can be scary, and yes painful. Do you know what is even more painful? Coming to the end of our lives and being filled with the regret of all the growth and change we could have experienced and helped others do the same. We failed to take the actions needed because we would have rather remained comfortable.
I experienced this many times. Starting this blog in 2012. It was uncomfortable to admit how much I did not know about creating on online presence. The following year I became and author by publishing my first book, A Happy Life for Busy People. Writing books can always be a scary and uncomfortable experience. Starting a YouTube channel, a podcast and many of the other things I have done in my life were created by a feeling of being uncomfortable with how my life was. The initial feeling of discomfort was not fun, but it was necessary to facilitate the change needed to improve my life and bring the next iteration of who I was to become.
In your own life do not fear discomfort. Embrace it for the change it may be bringing you. Ask yourself if that discomfort may be pushing you to experience a season of growth and increase that comfort may be preventing you from taking the actions to achieve.
Around here many of us will be celebrating the holiday of Valentine’s Day. A day to show love and appreciation to that special someone in your life. Now there are some who take a more cynical view of this holiday and say that it is a “Hallmark Holiday” that corporations use to get you to spend money on their products. That can certainly be said of any major holiday. Just like life, I believe that a day can be what you make of it. Others say, “Why do I need a day to celebrate the person I love? Shouldn’t I be doing that every day?” The answer is of course you should. Life gets busy and sometimes love and romance can be pushed to the back burner. Having a day dedicated to love is a good reminder and just a great opportunity to spoil one another.
The 2 photos we shared make several good points. First, many are alone today and could be longing for someone to love. Make sure that you share kindness for everyone today. This day can also be a great reminder to spread love into the world. The second photo is one that I really enjoy. I am so grateful for the relationship that I share with my lovely lady. We are constantly growing and learning more about each other daily. The one tricky bit about this can be that when it comes to special days, we already are loving each other to the best of our ability. Just like many point out that you should. On a day that is set aside for love, how can you still make it special? In a world – connection.
Margie and I work hard on our relationship and always make time for date nights and appreciation. Still, just like many other well-intentioned couples, life can get the best of us. You work so hard and long that you collapse when you get home and barely see the person you share the house with. Before you know it, a week has gone by and you have only said a handful of words to each other. That is another reason that having a day dedicated to love is helpful. It is a reminder to take a step back and focus on each other and not the world around you. How do you do that? By increasing connection.
The question then becomes, “How can you grow connection?” This seems more difficult that longer you are together. This is part of the fun and work that goes into making a relationship not only last, but thrive. While I cannot speak specifically to your relationship, there are so many fun and creative ways to increase connection. It might be worth spending a few moments with your thoughts, and maybe Google, to come up with a few. I would love to hear what you did in the comments below. I just might use it in my own relationship in the future!
Today is a day to celebrate love. Do not fall victim to the cynics or to the corporate pressure. Give the gift of love to all you encounter. We never know what anyone is going through. A little extra love and kindness is always appreciated. If you have a special someone in your life, focus on gifts that matter. Gifts like growth and connection. How can you give those?
Thank you for taking the time to join us here at Secret2anamazinglife.com today. I appreciate the time you take to read the words I have to share with you and hope you leave here a little more inspired than when you arrived. Today I will be celebrating my mother’s birthday and this is a thought I think she would not only agree with, but personifies a great deal.
In today’s world everyone seems to be craving a special identity. The term ‘influencer’ barely existed 10 years ago. It would seem that people will do anything for their 15 minutes of fame. Here is the ironic thing, we do not need to have our faces, or any other body part, all over the internet to be famous. We all have an identity. This is true whether we realize it or not. Today I am going to share with you what that identity consists of and how to improve it. What you choose to do with this knowledge is up to you.
What you give is who you are. Have you ever thought about this before? Over two decades in the field of self-improvement and I have never quite heard it worded that way. The more I think about it, the more true it rings. We spend a great deal of time on trying to accumulate things in today’s world. The new car, the cool clothes and of course our little corner of the internet. All of this in an attempt to develop an identity. How many of us realize it is who we are in that car, what we do in those clothes and what we have to offer in our corner of the internet that make us who we are.
Think of something as simple as being kind to others. When we give kindness that is who we become – a kind person. We must be careful as the opposite is equally true. If we are someone who only gives the world complaints and negativity, that is who we become. It is not what we take or what we accumulate that defines who we are as much as what we give and leave behind. Once again I would like to reference my favorite quote by Denzel Washington, “You never see a U-Haul behind a hearse.” In other words, it is not what we accumulate that will define our legacy, but what we leave behind. That can be the time and effort we have given to those less fortunate. It can be the kind word or smile we share we a stranger who may be struggling. It is what we give that will forever define who we are. If you want to be someone special, learn to give.
I mentioned at the beginning of this post that is was my mother’s birthday today. She is a perfect example of giving as a legacy. She retired 9 years ago now. Since then she has worked even harder I think. She has taken care of many family members experiencing health challenges of different degrees. She volunteers at the zoo in our city. It happens to be one of our favorite places to go. She also is part of the local woman’s club, and helps supply the food pantry at her church. In other words, fills her time with giving. Speaking of the food pantry, a woman appreciated her donations, and her, so much she sent her a birthday card. My mother appreciated the card so much she gave the lady a hug and told her so. This, undoubtedly, made the lady feel good. It would probably motivate her to be kind to others or to my mother again. Do we show appreciation just to continue this cycle? Of course not. This is an example, however, of how continuous giving can create a world filled with love and appreciation. What a great legacy to leave behind! Happy birthday mom! Thank you for all of your giving.
We discussed challenging times in our last post. If you haven’t had the chance to read it, perhaps it would serve you to do so after our time is finished today. The above quote was from a man who was imprisoned in a concentration camp in the second world war. That may be one of the most challenging situations to survive. Still, survive he did. He went on to write one of the most powerful books I have ever read, Man’s Search for Meaning. In this book he discusses how each inmates view of the future impacted his rate of survival in the camp.
I do not think any of us can imagine going through something as awful as one of those camps. That being said, the world today is not always an easy place to live in. The constant barrage of negative information that we are fed through the media can crack even the toughest shell. The price of even the most basic items seems to rise daily. Not to mention the price of the dreams so many of us hold dear in our hearts. All of this can lead to feelings of sadness, helplessness and depression. When we feel that our life is in a downward spiral and we have no control over it, what can we do then?
It is then that we are often faced with the pressure to make one of the most difficult, yet powerful, changes in our life. While it is true there are a great many things that are beyond our ability to control, there remains one that is. That item over which we have complete and utter control over is ourselves. The man or woman who stares back at us in the mirror is both our greatest responsibility and our greatest opportunity. The reality is that we cannot control a great deal of our life. Instead of putting our energy and focus on outside circumstances, we would be much better served putting that energy on improving ourselves.
This is in no way a judgmental statement. For this is something I must remind myself of daily. As many of you know, I struggle in the winter months. The lack of sunshine and cold weather seem to do a number on my ability to enjoy life as I should. It is easy to spend the day bemoaning the weather. Do you know what that does not change? The weather. That energy would be better spent working on self-care and projects to keep my spirits high. Your lament may certainly be different than mine, but one thing is certain, improving ourselves will improve every area of our life.
When you become a better version of yourself, every area of your life improves. This is not only true of an author with a raging case of seasonal affective disorder, but of everyone. When we focus on improving ourselves, even those situations over which we have no control will seem to fall more in line. At the very least we will be better equipped to face them.
Today we play the Super Bowl here in the United States. It is one of the most watched sporting events. Ironically, or tragically, instead of bringing people together, it has seem to create a lot of division. Not only about this team or that, but even now about who plays the musical entertainment during halftime. Rather silly if you ask me. There is something a great deal of these people are missing and you might be too. That is your super power.
In these times of crazy politics, division and in many places all out war, people have grown weary. It can be a chore every time you come across the news. I find myself missing the days of my youth. Then we were all full of energy and a good amount of blissful ignorance. There is a great difference between being informed and inundated. It can be hard to escape the world when it comes to us in so many different forms. There is of course social media which can be found on our laptops, cell phones and many other places. There are friends, family and coworkers. We hear things on the radio at work and the television in the waiting room at the mechanic. It can leave you exhausted.
There are two scary facts about this situation. First fact is that the news and world events are not going anywhere. It matters little what party is in power or what time of the year it is. Media will continue to put the big scary stuff in front of us because it sells. The media is not about making sure our emotional well-being is taken care of. There are not even really about bringing us information. Much like any other business, the media is about making money. The way you do that is to get people addicted to viewing their platform. The way to do that much of the time is through fear.
The second, and perhaps scarier fact, is that all of this fear and exhaustion takes a toll on us. This may not be a shock to many of us, but it is worth spending a second to think about. The toll is physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. It can lead to much more than living in a state of exhaustion. It lowers our ability to fight disease. It will increase the chance of conflict between ourselves and others. After all, who hasn’t reacted poorly just because you were exhausted? It reduces the amount of joy we can experience even in the good times. I don’t know about your life, but in my life there are far too many amazing people to enjoy fully that I do not want to show up already out of gas. It is like working yourself to death for a vacation and when you get there you are so tired you sleep through it.
Many of us feel like we are sleep walking our way through life. The cure is to use our superpower! What is that superpower? Self-care. That might sound soft of cliche to some of you, but reserve your judgement. Let us use our vacation example. Would you rather show up to vacation drained with no energy or would you like to show up ready to experience and fully enjoy all the vacation has to offer? Why should your answer be any different for life? Life becomes more of a job and less of a vacation when we are constantly making our way through it running on empty. That is why self-care is so important. Taking time for it should be a requirement, not a luxury.
Many of us are afraid to turn down a social obligation or use a mental health day at work because we think it will make us look weak. Making yourself a priority allows you to show up bringing your best self. That is a gift you can give your boss and more importantly, your friends and family. Self-care is different for everyone. Someone may need peace and solitude. Some may need to meet a friend for coffee. I personally enjoy a chair on the beach next to my lovely lady. Whatever your definition of self-care is, make sure you not only make it a priority, you schedule it. When people know you have an ongoing date with your self-care, they are more likely to respect it. Take care of yourself and you will be far better prepared to take care of others and the world around you.
This post should be coming to you from the Luxury Bahia Principe in Runaway Jamaica. Alas, due to the hurricane last year, our hotel was unable to open. Sadly, we were not told of this until recently. We certainly wish them well and look forward to visiting the country in the near future. Now the time we had planned to escape will be dedicated to spending time loving each other at home.
The reason I bring this up today is that is goes along with the quote we are featuring in today’s post. Just as life should be measured by depth and not length, so should the experiences of life. It may not often work out like we had hoped, but it is more about making the most of how it did work out. The Stoics have a saying – Amor Fati. It translate to ‘love fate’. It means to fully embrace the situation that we find ourselves in. This is not to say I am not grumbling a little about my trip being canceled, but instead working to find the pluses in the situation. It gives me some more time to work on my beach body. This I believe I last had in 2013, but we will get there. It allows me to save some money for an adventure while I am there. Perhaps the weather will be more to my liking? Apologies to the love of my life who likes it a little cooler.
We must work to make the best of every situation we find ourselves in. We never know when the length of our life will end, so we should make it as deep as we can. Enjoy every coffee with friends, every romantic night with your spouse, and every warm ray of sun. In addition, find ways to enjoy situations you face daily. Your daily commute? Find ways to add depth to that. There are some great suggestions in my book Living the Dream. You could listen to a life-changing audio book. Look to find things you love as you drive along. Muse things you have to be grateful for. Do not like your job? You and 87% of others are in the same boat. Find ways in which to add smiles to your coworkers and customers. Look for ways in which your job matters. Be grateful for the opportunity to work. Many would give anything to have a job.
Adding depth to life is not so much about changing circumstances as it is about changing mindset. Adding gratitude and being present can add a great amount of depth to your life. Keep in mind the Stoic phrase Amor Fati. Learn to embrace the life you are living while striving to make it better. We never know when the length of our life will come to an end so we owe it to ourselves to make it as deep as possible.
One of my best skills, and the one I am asked about most often, is the ability to develop rapport with others. For years I recommended reading How to Win Friends and Influence People. That is my favorite book and I have read no less than 10 times. It has some great clues, but did not give the full picture.
Dale Carnegie was not the relationship master I had solely drawn from. The other was notorious for not having good relationships. Clues were exactly what lead to this revelation while I was in the shower moments ago. It seems that is where all of our good thinking happens.
One of my favorite movies of my youth was Young Sherlock Holmes. It gives the childhood back story of one of the world’s greatest detectives. That, my friends, is exactly what creating rapport and fostering great relationships takes! You must become a great detective.
In Sherlock Holmes stories and movies, he always tells you the observations and assertions he uses to solve a case. People are one big detective case in themselves. The more we observe to learn, the better our chances of a great interaction with them will be.
This can be noticing small details such as what their clothes can tell you. Are they using their right or left hand predominantly? What turn of phrase do they seem to use often? They may not give us all of the answers, but can give us clues to explore.
We could spend hours breaking this down, but instead I encourage you to try it out today. Give yourself two distinct challenges. First, pick a person you do not know that well. It could be a person you run into in a service capacity, a coworker or anyone else. Make as many observations on them as you can. Take mental notes and see what they can tell you by putting them all together. Tougher still, try doing this with someone you already know. See what things you can learn that you don’t already know. The better you know them, the tougher the case, but the bigger the rewards!
Treating relationships as cases to be solved may sound rather crude, but it can lead to an astounding deepening of connection. It may also surprise you with how many things you miss. Clues that can make cheering them up, buying the perfect gift and growing closer to them easier than you could ever imagine.
Here is a post that should not have to be written, but must be read. There are so many out there jumping to conclusions and often doing so without compassion or understanding. Think of the picture above. We may see a man who appears to be emotional, sad or moved to tears. Many would think he was ‘not manly’ or worse make fun of him. They would not ask why he is in such an emotional state or even ponder to consider what may make him so vulnerable in public.
Parents, you may think it is no big deal that your child is a bully. Not only can that lead to some deplorable adults, but think of the photo above. The child being attacked and bullied at school could be the very one being abused at home. When will this become too much for the child to take? None of us know. What would be tragic is if actions taken by another child would push them over the edge and lead to that child taking their own lives. Not only would that result in the loss of one life, but the guilt the other child would be forced to live with would be a second tragedy. Teach your children to live and treat others with kindness and compassion.
Here is another one that can break your heart. Many of the elderly are ignored or looked down upon for one reason or another. They should be treasured. It is them who have paved the way for all of us. Think of the example sighted above. People may look at an old man who has scars on him, or other physical, or even mental, ailments. How many of us stop and think that he could have received them fighting for our country? He could have been burned trying to save a family from a fire. We never know the story behind the people we see. None of us would like to be judged without understanding or compassion. We should afford the same rights to others.
Going forward, let us all make a conscious effort to understand others. Let us treat them with the love and compassion we so strongly crave in our own lives. We impact the lives of all of those we come in contact with to one degree or another. Let us do our best to make sure it is in a positive way.
SECRET 2 AN AMAZING LIFE 