I love Winston Churchill. He was a little bit grumpy, but certainly got to the point. This quote above is really true and could make a big difference and save us a lot of time in our lives. Many of us, especially in this social media driven world, are so preoccupied with what others think of us that we forget to focus on what is truly important. Doing something for ‘likes’ on social media is one of the least productive actions we can take.
The truth is really in the last line – no one was ever thinking about you in the first place. Most people are focused on their own lives. Those who are focused on what others are doing? What do we call those people? Gossips? Haters? It is never good. Every minute you spend worrying about what others are thinking about what you are doing is 60 seconds you are losing that could have been used to build a better life.
Let us stop focusing on what others think, or being better than Kurt, Nicci or anyone else. Let us focus on what we are doing and being better people than we were yesterday. That is where the power and personal freedom truly can be found.
It is hump day! The middle of the week. We are quickly approaching the weekend. We are beginning to be excited for the weekend and any plans we may have, even if they are just relaxing and not working. I am currently on vacation and have lots to enjoy. Here is fun game you can play with family and friends. The winner will really benefit, but even those who don’t ‘come out on top’ will still win! The prize? Not some plastic participation trophy or ribbon, but a greater sense of joy and inner peace.
The game is simply this, find as many things you can be truly grateful for and why. The why is important because it makes things compelling. To appreciate the sunshine (which I do more than most of you can imagine) is one thing. To realize you are appreciating it because it gives you a feeling of being alive or reminds you of being on vacation in the tropics is an entirely different animal. Pick a group of friends and family and see who can find the most things to be grateful for. Most of us live in such an abundance of riches, it is almost a disgrace what we take for granted. There is a big push to wash your hands often these days. Can you imagine how difficult that would be without clean running water? Water than can be set to a desired temperature and is pretty much available everywhere we are? The ability to wash our entire bodies anytime we desire in that same water? We have personal space where we can adjust the temperature to our liking, take our time and be clean and healthy? So many things in those two statements alone. Write down as many as you can think of and compare with those you are playing the game with. At the end of it, everyone will realize, and hopefully feel, how truly rich we all are and how much we have to be grateful for.
Looking around your life for what you have to be grateful for can be a magical transformation. This may sound like a bunch of hype, but trust me it is not. No, wait. Do not trust me! Try it for yourself. This is what caused me to realize how powerful this was. I wrote down what I was grateful for in my life for 30 days. I did it to prove it didn’t affect much. 20 years later I am writing my third book in the field of self-improvement. This fun game stands the power to transform your life. Even the fact you have the ability to read this information is truly something amazing! I would love to hear your results of playing this game.
You may have noticed that last Friday’s blog post seemed to lack a little something…like being there. I apologize for that, but Thursday started our state fair here in Wisconsin. I have been attending this festival ever since I was born in 1975. Around 1996, I made a decision that was rather unique to me back then. If I really enjoyed every time I went to the State Fair, why not go as often as I could. In this case, that would be 11 days as that is how long our state fair lasts. Beginning that year I have done just that very thing. The Wisconsin State Fair became my annual vacation. I take those days off from my day job and make every effort to have other obligations either rescheduled or taken care of.
I have received my fair share of flack for this decision over the years. People ask me such questions as how do I not get bored going every day, how do I manage to afford it and certainly questions about the health aspects of such an adventure. These are all valid concerns and here are some quick answers. Doing something you love rarely tends to become boring. Doing it 11 days straight, for almost 20 years can bring that into possibility. For me, this has never been a problem. As a personal characteristic, I cannot remember the last time I was bored. It is a fact that if I had 3 lifetimes I could not do all that I wanted to do. Involving different people in my life makes each experience new and different. Margie likes to see bands and shop. My mother, she likes the baby animals and doing the garden and art walks. Everyone loves to explore new and exciting foods. Trying them makes each yea, and sometimes day, different and exciting. I learned I can apply this to anything I enjoy in my life. Going for coffee with my mom is one experience. Doing the very same thing with my friend Nick is something different entirely.
My love and I at the fair
Another question was how do I afford going to the fair every year? Several ways. They all involve planning ahead of time. In about April, they begin to sell tickets at a discounted price. This saves me $5 a day. They also have coupon books available. I purchased one for $4 and if I use the ones I plan to, that will save me a total of $70 on food, drink and items throughout the 11 days. It is also using my time there to discover where and what presents the best deals. Nachos may be a dollar cheaper at one stand, but you may get twice as much at another. I turn it into a fun game. Thinking of the different foods and drink and where is the best place to go.
Speaking of food, another concern, often voiced by my doctor, is the health aspects of spending 11 days eating fair food. I’ll be the first to agree this is not the healthiest 11 days I spend in a year, but there are several factors to consider here as well. The first being that this is an exception and not the rule. As Margie, Amanda, my mother and myself were sampling several of the new foods for a review on Chow Down in Milwaukee (which I will link at the end of this post) We all discussed how we do not normally consume fried food (Like the fried fish fry above, which was rather delicious)Another tip is while finding the best value at the state fair, I also look for several healthier options. There is a gluten-free stand for those that need those foods. There is a stand that serves grilled chicken over a bed of rice. Snacks such as dried tart cherries and cranberries can be found among all of the chocolate and fudge. Same holds true with beverages. You can always find soda, beer and cocktails. You can however find water, juice and even a stand for a business named Urbal Tea that serves…you guessed it, herbal tea. Not only healthier option, but refreshing one as well. Couple these tricks with the incredible amount of walking I do and a trip to the Wisconsin State Fair is not as unhealthy as it could be.
When you find something that does not harm you or others that you enjoy in life, I recommend incorporating it as much as you can. There are ways to make it exciting, economical and healthy. Try doing it with different people and notice how that can expand your enjoyment. You may notice things that escaped your attention. Find ways in which it can be planned and maybe done more economically. This could involve purchasing tickets ahead of time like I do, or joining and organization, going in with others or a host of other ideas. Find ways to make it healthier too. Is there a particular run/walk you do every year? Maybe get a group of friends to start training with you. Whatever it is you enjoy in life, think of ways in which you cannot only do it more, but do it better. I would love to hear what activities you enjoy doing every year.
Those of you who know me, even a little, know that I find racism and prejudice both comical in their archaic nature and pitifully sad in the loss of experience one suffers from it. In terms of tackling such issues, there are as many approaches as there are issues to tackle. Some take to the streets and protest peacefully such as the great civil rights leader Martin Luther King Jr. A great and effective approach. Some take to the streets to riot, which in my opinion not only compounds the problem, but adds validity to the fools speaking the racist and prejudice statements in the first place. There are legal actions, social actions, political actions and many others. Personally, I find actions that do not victimize others and bring about needed social change are all good.
All that being said, I believe there is one way that towers above all the others in not only bringing about long-term social change, but may be the only way that stands a chance in succeeding to bring change to the hearts and minds of those who hold these archaic and asinine views. Before we get to what I think that may be, I want to share a store about a man that I feel embodies this example and share with you not only some of the things he went through, but of course, how he handled them as well. He is both my favorite singer of all time, but also a great man. He is Nat King Cole.
Nathaniel Adams Coles was born March 17th, 1919 in Montgomery Alabama. Born the son of a Baptist minister, the Coles family moved to Chicagowhen Nat was 4 years old in search of a better life. He began to learn the piano from his mother at the age of 4 and began formal lessons at the age of 12. Nat went on to become one of the most accomplished Jazz pianists of all time. Initially, he did not sing until a drunk patron at a club he was playing insisted he did. Told by the owner that this patron was a well-paying customer and that if Nat valued his job he should learn to sing right then and there. Reluctantly, Nat began to sing Sweet Lorraine. The rest, as they say, is history. Nat King Cole went on to sell millions of albums, have over 100 songs that became hits on the pop charts and starred in film and television.
This is not to say that Nat had an easy go of it, personally or professionally. Most of his success came in the 1940’s and 1950’s before the civil rights movements. I would like to highlight some of the challenges he faced and how he handled them. He was often not allowed to stay in the very hotels that he played at and made money for. What did he do? He quietly sued them after, winning many cases. Those he did not, he chose not to play again and share his talent, and the business it generated, with more accepting locations.
In July of 1948, coming off such hits as The Christmas Song, Nature Boy and Mona Lisa, Nat and his wife Maria wanted to settled down and purchased a house in the affluent,and all white, Hancock Park neighborhood of Los Angles. When the neighborhood association learned that a black entertainer was moving into their neighborhood they want to see Cole’s manager and told him they would pay back the down payment as well as some profit if Nat would not buy the house. He refused. They then held a special meaning to try to solve the issue. Nat decided to attend. After many racist and angry things were said, one man attempting to ease tensions told Nat, “Mr. Cole, we just to not want any undesirables in this neighborhood.” What did Nat do? Did he bristle at the statement? Did he counter the insult of being called an ‘undesirable’ with one of his own? Both of those certainly would have been understandable. Did he use his fame to denounce the people and the neighborhood in the press as celebrities are so quick to do these days? Nope. Nat simply stood up and said, “I’m with you. I do not want any undesirables in this neighborhood either. If I see some I will be the first one to complain.” The Coles were allowed to move in. Through the years they were subject to signs and burning crosses in their yard. Someone even poisoned their dog. Through it all, Nat and his family would not take the bait and continued to be the example of perfect neighbors. In turn, making all of those who wished them out of the neighborhood look like the foolish ones.
Even professionally, Nat was not immune to the reality of racism. Despite being an accomplished and award-winning performer, this was made quite evident on a return trip to his home state. On April 10, 1956 Nat was performing to an all white audience in Birmingham Alabama when he was viciously attacked by six men. The men had ties to an organization that was tied to the Klu Klux Klan. After the attack when he returned to the stage the white audience gave him a 10 minute standing ovation. Did Nat swear at the audience or storm out? No he simply told the audience, “I came here to entertain you. That was what I thought you wanted. I was born in Alabama. Those folks hurt my back. I cannot continue because I need to see a doctor.” Later when pressed for his opinions on the attack, Cole seemed confused as to why they chose to attack him as he was just trying to entertain them. By refusing to speak out against his attackers and instead take the high road, Mr. Cole was also attacked, albeit in the press, by the African American community including Thurgood Marshall who called him an “Uncle Tom.” Perhaps Mr. Marshall did not appreciate the resolve and control it takes to suffer such indignity and keep your pride and head held high. Nat did involve himself in Civil Rights, such as joining the legendary 1963 March On Washington, but always insisted he was an entertainer and not a politician.
In 1956, Nat King Cole continued to break more barriers by becoming the first African American to host a weekly national television program. It was the first time that a black man would appear on television in the homes of millions Americans. The show had everything you could want. It had great music, a comic edge and great guests, both black and white. It continued to climb in the ratings and was eventually given a prime time slot. Something unheard of in the mid 1950’s. After a little more than a year of continued success, the one thing the show did not have was a national sponsor. Companies were still not brave enough to link their products with an African American performer, no matter how accomplished, articulate and well-liked he was. What was Nat’s reaction? Did he get on his show and beg for a sponsor? Did he call out and attack the companies for not having the guts to sponsor his show? No. Nat, facing the fact the network would not continue a show, no matter how successful it was, if it didn’t bring in money, canceled his own show. His one comment on the matter? “Madison avenue is afraid of the dark.”
I can appreciate the desire of and the need for more in-your-face solutions to behavior that is as stupid as racism and prejudice. There certainly needs to be a spotlight on those folks who engage in this behavior and make them accountable. For my money, one of the best ways to approach those who attack us for reasons such as these is the one taken by Nat King Cole. Remain dignified. Conduct yourself in everything you do with class and excellence. When those sink to behavior that speaks to their diminished character, you shine by showing them your high character. It is not about letting people walk all over you, but becoming the best version of yourself so their attacks not only fall flat but look foolish as well. When someone considers you ‘undesirable’ for any reason, do what Nat did. Stand right next to them and say, “I am with you I don’t want any undesirables around and if I see one, you will be the first to know.” Not only will you have them feeling foolish, you stand a better chance of changing their minds than if you attacked them for their ignorance.
When listening to some biographies and considering some of the people who made the greatest changes in the modern world I came up with a striking conclusion. When we hear the word ‘warrior’ we often think of a physically intimidating person wearing a suit of armor and brandishing a weapon. We think of prolonged episodes of war and violence that bring about revolutions. It is as if we, as human beings, assume it takes these actions to bring about lasting change. I want to take time to introduce you to two people who prove this theory wrong.
The first is Mahatma Gandhi. An Indian lawyer, he certainly was not what you would consider a physically intimidating fellow. In fact, to me he looks like someone’s friendly grandfather. What he seems to lack in physical strength, he more than makes up for in resolve and determination. After receiving his law degree he went on to fight for civil rights in not one, but two different countries. He did this using hunger strikes and other non-violent means. He was arrested several times in both his Native India as well as South Africa. He took on the British government to fight for the self rule of India. When this happened, the country split in two, divided on religious grounds. As you might imagine as people moved to settle in new locations there was much violence. Gandhi again used non-violent means to try and bring the people together. This was so successful that certain parties felt threatened and he was assassinated at the age of 78.
The second warrior I would like to mention is Fred Rogers. That is a picture of him and his wife above. Again, not someone you would fear meeting in a dark alley. Out of all the things that have been said about Fred Rogers, I would be confident to say this is the first time he has ever been referred to as a warrior. How can I call a soft-spoken host of a children’s television program a warrior? He is proof that you do not have to shout or threaten to get your point, and more important your feelings across. He used calming soft-spoken language to take on tough subjects such as anger, death and divorce and make them not only easy to understand, but less scary for young children. That takes a good deal of bravery to do. I have another more poignant example I would like to share with you.
On May 1st of 1969, Mr. Rogers went to face congress. You see earlier that year president Nixon wanted to slash funding for Public Television. Did Fred Rogers stand before congress to scream and fight against this budget cut? Fight? Yes. Scream? Not at all. Fred fought back using a completely different kind of tactic. He stood in front of one of the more stern congressman who would have not only been completely unmoved by shouting, but may have been even more inclined to cut funding. Instead, Fred discussed the importance of offering children a healthy alternative to the violence they regularly saw on television. He shared the benefits of providing them a safe place to express feelings and help deal with some of the scary things we mentioned above. He even demonstrated the benefit each child receives by sharing the lyrics to one of the songs from the children’s show. The result? The congressman said that it was the first time he had goosebumps in quite a while. After hearing what Fred had to say his reply? “Well I guess you earned that 20 million dollars” Fred had not only saved the program from being cut, but the funding was actually increased.
Here are two great men who took on governments, society, civil rights and came out on top. They owe their victories not to great campaigns of violence and oppression, but to the power of love, faith and a belief in what is right and the need to love one’s neighbor. There are many other great heroes and warriors that have taken nonviolent ways of fighting against the world’s problems. Are you one of them?
First post of the new month! Last full month of summer. We want to finish this month on a really healthy diet. Don’t worry, if you have been working on that summer body since you were 12, we are talking about an information diet. This is so important, because like our regular diet, sometimes we consume information without being conscious to the fact that we are doing it. Sometimes it just becomes the norm and we do not realize that we should be a little more selective on what we feed our minds.
One of the issues that arises is that we are so often surrounded by things that are toxic to our mental well-being that we are unaware they are affecting us. It is like the analogy of the frog in the pot of boiling water. If you turn the temperature up quickly the frog will jump out. If you turn it up slowly and gradually, the frog will boil to death. Not a really cheery analogy, but it works for our point here. If you were to through a person into a group of gossiping back biters, chances are they would say “Get me out of here!” If, however, it happens to be the same talk around the water cooler, it can slowly become the normal. We must stand guard at the gate of our minds as Jim Rohn used to say. Quite often, this negative influence will come from friends, family and even coworkers we don’t mind sharing time with. They may be well-meaning, but it will affect us just the same.
What can you do in these situations? You can’t just tell a person to “Shut up!” Well, I suppose you could, but I can safely tell you that will not lead to quality friendships, which in turn will not lead to an amazing life. We can do some other fine things. We can do our best to remove ourselves from that situation. Excuse ourselves to go to the restroom, for a walk around the block, check the food in the kitchen or the goldfish in the living room. What happens when someone is in the restroom, it is raining outside, the food is gone and the goldfish has a babysitter? One, your luck wouldn’t be too good that day, but there are other options. You can try injecting a positive comment in the mix. Do your best to turn this into a game. I have found this makes it easier. When the gossip train makes a stop at your friend Phil’s station, try thinking about the best thing you can think of about Phil. Throw it out there and see what happens. I can tell you 2 things I know for sure. You will immediately make everyone else a little uncomfortable. That’s ok. If they are gossiping, they should be uncomfortable. The other thing is that you will quickly become known as the person who says nice things about people…behind their backs. That’s a good reputation to have. People trust people like that.
There are times when to paraphrase a popular cliché, ‘drama happens’. You do your best to avoid it, but it sits next to you at work, on the bus or even at home. You throw a life preserver of compliments into this ocean of negativity, but the waves keep coming. Repeated exposure to situations like this can leave you feeling worn out at best, dejected and hopeless at its worst. That is why we need to prepare! I stress having as many positive influences in your life as possible. Inspirational calendars ( I have a day by day one) Something inspiring as the screensaver on your phone. (mine is the cutest picture of the woman I love) You can even subscribe to an inspiring magazine. (I have a local one that only includes positive news) I also recommend having a list at the ready of things that give you a dose of positivity. Is there certain places you like to go? The zoo? A certain park with a great view? How about people that put you in a good mood? Write their names, phone numbers, emails or whatever contact information you have down. How about foods that make you smile? Songs? Movies? I say write these all down now. Eventually, there will be a time you need a negativity detox. It also serves as a good preventative. When someone asks me “What can I do to fight off all the drama and negativity I am exposed to?” It can be as simple as “Read three pages of something inspirational and call me in the morning.”
Let us remember as we are working on our nutritional diet, that we should work on our emotional and spiritual diet as well. Feed your body something good for sure, but do not forget to nourish your mind and soul as well. You never know when you might find yourself in an environment that would leave you starving.
Here is a picture I took of the clouds above the local Starbucks I was meeting my mother at. In fact, I am actually writing this post at a different coffee shop not far from this one. As the month comes to a close, I want to give a friendly reminder to all of us, myself included. In this new economy, we have switched from the problem of businesses being able to open, to one of them being able to find employees to serve the customers they have. This is something to keep in mind as you are served not only at your local coffee shop or restaurant, but also at grocery stores when the lines seem a bit longer than normal. Most of the business owners I talk to would really like to have more help to serve you, but they are unable to find some.
While we are experiencing longer wait times than usual or slower service let us try to keep one thing in mind. We are being served by the people who did show up. The ones who are often working double shifts or longer hours. The ones who are doing not only there job, but often the jobs of two or more people. If we encounter an employee who seems a little less than full of sunshine, let us try to remember they are probably working twice as hard as normal and running on less sleep as well. It would be easy for us to be filled with anger, but let us do as the Dalai Lama suggests and show our strength by expressing patience. Perhaps offer a ‘Thank you’ and some encouragement. Employees working short staffed often feel burnt out and under appreciated. They need our patience the most.
As the month rolls on, I ask you to keep in mind the struggles of the workers who are doing their best to serve us every day in all of the locations we go. Just to help with the tranquil mood, I am going to end with another picture of the beautiful sunset I witnessed outside of the coffee shop that day that I met my mother.
Today is my birthday. I was born on this day a mere 46 years ago. I didn’t have a picture from that day as I was a little to young to hold the camera. You can, however, see the evolution of me in the photos above. It also happens to be national lasagna day, national chicken wing day, national lipstick day and international tiger day. This year national chili dog day and national intern day also fall on this day. Much to celebrate and much to eat. I took off of work today and my guess is that my lovely Margie and I will be doing something fun to amuse ourselves.
I tend to use and enjoy birthdays as a time to reflect. Think of how far I have come and how much I have grown. Not only in height and waistline, but as an emotional and spiritual individual as well. This past year had many ups and downs. We certainly all have our tales of what 2020 brought to us. This past year has seen me on the news several times for having Covid and once for my books as well. I have been on a few podcasts, one television show on NBC as well as a few limited public appearances. I also had the great chance to speak with some school children on the subject of writing via zoom. That was a very cool experience. I lost a few friends but certainly gained many more. My second book, Living the Dream, finally hit Amazon and store shelves. That was an accomplishment that took 8 years. All things considered, it was a very good chapter in this 45 chaptered life.
These ‘then and now’ pictures are getting to be a little bit hilarious. Birthdays to me are also a chance to reflect on where I would like to go from here. Having published 2 books and closing in on 1500 blog posts, I asked myself, “What’s next?” I have decided that in some form or another, the next evolution for this gentleman is hosting a talk show. In the past I have hosted 2 different radio shows with my friends Jason and Guy. (tragically, Guy is one of the people I lost in the last year) I have also hosted a television show and directed and produced 2 others. This conclusion came to me after contemplating both what my favorite job I have ever had was. (that would be the radio show) I also asked myself, “What do you really enjoy doing in life?” I got that from George Burns who said that is the secret of life. Bob Hope also referred to it. Both of those guys lived to be 100, so I thought it to be some fairly sound advice. I decided that two of my favorite things to do in life are drink coffee and talk to people. Not many career options there. I also enjoy hearing people tell their story and helping them to feel good about themselves and help others. Therefore, when we meet here a year from now it is my goal to have either a new radio show, podcast or some other medium that will allow me to share with all of you wonderful stories and life lessons.
Whenever your birthday may be, perhaps use it as a moment of reflection. Feel free to use my birthday for this purpose. Think of all that you have made it through and ponder where you want to go from here. You might even ask yourself what it is that you are really passionate about in life and let that be your guiding force.
As a parting note, some people ask what I would like for my birthday. I am truly content in the physical sense, although a paid trip to Fiji or Bali would be nice, but I do have one gift that I would be honored if you all did for me. I would love for you to help me spread this blog to as many people as possible. Share it on your social media, tell your friends and their friends too. Share it with your dog, cat and goldfish. It would be my honor to share Secret2anamazinglife.com with as many wonderful souls as possible. Thank you all so much in advance.
Who is this charming fellow you may be asking yourself. Although you may easily confuse this as a picture of me when I wake up for work at 4:30 every weekday morning, the black and white nature should tell you that is not so. This fellow is Arthur Schopenhauer. He was a German philosopher in the early 1800’s. In my research and study of self-improvement, I come across many of these fellows. Notice the happy grin on his face? Most western philosophers share his gloomy demeanor. In fact, on doing research on the western philosophy thoughts into happiness, I discovered much of this gloominess also creeped into their thoughts and outlooks on the subject.
Art here did have a depressing but somewhat interesting take on what to do when pursuing happiness in life. His answer, in short, was this – don’t. Not too surprising considering his cheerful disposition. He did, however, have some advice that at first blush seems a little on the negative side but may help us find a new way to look at life and to increase the joy in our lives. His advice can be wrapped up in the following statement. “Don’t seek out happiness, but instead seek to diminish your misery.” Way to go Art! Focus on being ‘less miserable’ than ‘more happy’. I think if you go through life with your most inspiring thought being “How can I make life suck less?” you will end up with a life that leaves you looking like our good friend Arthur here. Not really that good of a look, if you were to ask me.
So I sat down to think about this idea a little more. That is actually me. You can see it is a little less scowl and a little more pensive than our German friend above. Wouldn’t making your life less miserable make it happier? I think it is much like a budget. If you wish to have more money in your life you can approach it in two entirely different ways. You can either focus on saving money and cutting expenses (like focus on reducing your misery) This is a very important aspect and will end up with you having more money in your pocket. If all you do is focus on where can we cut costs, you are not only limiting yourself, but you are also focusing on sacrifice and lack. Just like focusing on making life less miserable. It may be worth noting that when facing trouble, businesses tend to focus mainly on cutting costs and that seldom works long term.
If you want more money in your pocket, there is another thing you can do and that is focus on ways of increasing your income. In terms of happiness, this would be looking for ways to add more joy to your life. When you are looking to increase your income there are two options. You can earn more for what you already do, or you can find additional streams of income. Same with your ‘Happiness Budget’. Just made up that term by the way, kind of like it. You can look to find more joy in what you already do in life and you can also look for additional sources of joy. If you enjoy going for a walk in nature, would listening to some meditative music be helpful? Maybe trying to spot as many animals as you can? Maybe just focus on the sites, sounds and smells more? If you don’t get to walk in nature as much as you like, maybe you could try adding that to your life.
If the budget analogy doesn’t quite work for you, think of a garden. Stress, challenges and things that generally make you unhappy are like weeds in a garden. No matter how great of a gardener you are, there will always be some weeds. If you spend every minute in the garden of life pulling weeds (that is getting life to be less miserable) and not focused on helping your plants grow (like growing your happiness) your garden would be mediocre at best. That is like focusing on reducing misery and leaving the growth of happiness to chance. Sure, life may throw a few things your way every once in a while but your life, much like your garden, will be mediocre.
When it comes to a strategy for happiness I am going to say that the cheery Mr. Schopenhauer’s thoughts are not without merit, but merely one side of the coin. I think we should both look to reduce our misery in life while looking to grow our happiness. Just as in our income example, if we want more money in our pockets we should both look to cut expenses as well as increase our income. While tending your garden of life, certainly address picking the weeds, but also make sure to water your plants. Doing so will allow you the greatest harvest. The same can be said about removing the misery as well as growing the happiness, it will give you the greatest harvest.
One of my favorite philosophers, Mr. Rogers has a good suggestion when it comes to stress. This, I must confess, sounds easy but is not. When we see others under stress, it is easy to be compassionate and understanding. At least for a person reading this blog I assume it would be. However, if you are one of two or even several people involved in a stressful situation, this becomes quite a bit more difficult. There are two parts of this equation and I think we deserve to look at each of them here briefly.
The first part tell us in times of stress we should listen with our ears and our hearts. This means not only hearing the words the person is saying, but really doing our best to understand where they are coming from. We should never make assumptions and always ask for clarity if we do not understand. We should also be aware that in a stressful situation, most things said that seem angry, hurtful, or just plain mean, can be veiled cries for help. Not everyone is skilled at communicating in regular situations, much less when they are under stress. When we think of listening with our hearts, that involves a great deal of compassion for the person sitting across from us (or on the phone, or in a text or email) This can prove very difficult especially if that person seems to be attacking us or, as Norman Vincent Peale used to say, “Using biblical terms in a very unreligious way.” This difficulty is multiplied several times if we also happen to be under stress. What a difference it would make if we were able to accomplish it? Even putting forth the effort will make a great impact.
The second part is just as important. We must be assured that our questions are as important as our answers. When we provide an answer, we are more addressing the other party’s concern that getting an answer to our own. How great does it feel to know that our feelings and concerns are important to the party we are talking to? How do we think the other party would act if they felt their questions and concerns were not as important as our own? I can’t imagine the discussion would be very healthy or productive. We must not only tell the other party their questions are important, we must also show them. We do so by repeating them back to make sure we are addressing them. By listening, not just to reply, but to understand. This is a small difference that has a huge impact on the conversation.
While involved in a stressful discussion, let us do our best to remember the party we are involved in the discussion with has feelings and concerns that they need to know are important. They need to be heard with both our ears and our hearts. It is not easy, especially if we are also under stress, but it is necessary. We may not succeed 100% of the time, but that does not mean we shouldn’t do our best 100% of the time. It may help to sing this very popular song from Mr. Rogers before we begin our discussion.
SECRET 2 AN AMAZING LIFE 