Tag: hurt

SURVIVAL GUIDE 📖

This has been something I have been sharing for even longer than the two decades I have been working in the self-improvement industry. What you go through will often be painful. You may doubt that you will ever make it through. When you do, it may very well become your greatest tool, and your greatest gift to others. Sharing your story, including mistakes you made and hurt you felt, can be what saves the life of another. So many of us can feel alone when we are going through our struggles. Hearing a story of someone else who has went through the same struggle can help give us hope and the will to power through. At the very least, it will help us understand that we are not alone.

It would be foolish to think that going through a painful experience would be anything less than devastating. We will hurt, we will suffer. We may even doubt that we will make it through. If we can somehow keep in the back of our minds that we will one day use it to help someone who feels just like we do now, that may give us the strength we need to make it through.

For those of you who have already made it through your pain, or maybe are currently working through it, please share your story. It doesn’t matter if you are still struggling. It is actually is better if you are. It will help you better relate to and reach other souls who are in pain. In doing so, you may find the healing that otherwise seemed out of reach. No matter what your struggle is, no matter where you are in your healing, someone out there needs to hear your story.

RECONNECT NOT REQUIRED ðŸ”Œ

Forgiveness is a gift you truly give yourself. Most of the time, the person you are upset with could care less if you forgive them. Harboring anger only steals your peace. Knowing this, why do people put off forgiving others? I believe there are two reasons. Let us take a look at these one at a time.

First reason people don’t forgive others is that somehow they equate that with the other person ‘winning’. The opposite is actually true. If you let the person continue to keep you in a state of hurt and anger, then that would be closer to ‘winning’. In actuality, the only winning is living a peaceful and rewarding life. That can only be accomplished through forgiveness. If someone is still renting space in your head or your heart, evict them!

The second reason people withhold forgiveness, is they assume forgiveness means they would have to reconnect with that person. This is certainly not true. There are people who sadly can be in our hearts, but not our life. If there is someone who has done you so wrong you want them neither in your heart or your life, than you must forgive them. By holding on to anger, or some feeling of hurt, you are maintaining a connection.

Forgive them today and set yourself free.

ARE YOU STRUGGLING?🤔

Almost all of us know the cliche “the struggle is real.” I think all of us have struggled, or are struggling currently with at least one thing in our lives. That says that all of us will suffer and will continue to do so, to greater or lesser degrees, for the rest of our lives. Not very optimistic sounding, but certainly true.

How come some people seem to float through one struggle after another, while others are paralyzed? It is preparation and mindset. Our mindset, or attitude, about life has a greater impact than anything else. I heard a song lyric today that said, “You say the struggle is real. I say the struggle reveals. ” What does struggle reveal about you? Are you preparing your mind for the struggles that are coming?

That brings us to the next obvious question, “How can we prepare our mind for struggle?” Les Brown, when asked why he didn’t give up when he was diagnosed with cancer said, “I just decided cancer wasn’t going to beat me.” That is a powerful mindset. I determine to find the gift and lesson in every struggle. It is like saying to the challenge life has thrown at me, “You tried to destroy me, but I used you to help me grow.” In short, it is like giving a middle finger to struggle, but far more productive.

It is time for you to think how you handle struggle. None of them are easy. All of them suck. We have the choice to decide if the storms of life will use us, or if we can find a way to use them. PLEASE share any ideas you have for not letting struggle get you down. I think we could all benefit by working together on this subject .

1 THING THAT IS NOT HEALTHY

The art of conveying our emotions in a healthy way can be a tricky thing. To make sure that your feelings are heard while giving proper respect to others can be a difficult thing. It is also an ongoing lesson. It is not something we get right once and never have to worry about again. You could have a healthy discussion one day and the next make a bad situation worse by saying something the wrong way.

This fear can lead many people to do something even worse – hold everything inside. This can not only lead to a great deal of misunderstanding, as you can imagine, but also lead to a great deal of hurt and resentment.

These emotions are not only felt by those holding everything in,but by those in their lives. Let us say that you are deeply hurt by something your friend has told you but you don’t want to start a disagreement so you don’t say anything. This friend may continue to say this thing again and again. This can cause you to resent your friend. There you are feeling hurt and resentful.

It goes a level deeper. Should you true feelings come out, be it in a fit of rage or some other way, your friend will feel bad that they were hurting you all this time without knowing. They may even resent the fact you did not let them know what they were saying hurt you. There they are feeling hurt and resentful.

Lastly, holding your hurt and pain inside can cause a lifetime of physical and emotional pain. What the stress of repressed emotions does to the body can lead to issues such as heart disease, ulcers and other lifestyle driven conditions. It can also leave a trail of broken hearts and ruined friendships.

If you have issues trapped inside of you, invest in learning how to express them in a healthy manner. While you are learning these skills it may benefit you to share them with a professional such as a life coach or therapist. They can also help you find healthy ways to deal with these emotions.

However you choose to share your emotions, whether that is learning to do so or with a professional, make sure you do so. Because keeping your feelings inside makes as much sense as farting in a wetsuit and can be a lot more harmful.

DO THEY HAVE YOUR PERMISSION?

It amazes me how many people do not understand that their feelings are generated inside of them. They blame the news, their spouse, their boss, their coworker or the cat down the road for ruining their day. In essence, you are giving these sources control over your mental well-being. You are actually giving them permission to ruin your day by reacting to their actions.

This is all very easy for me to say logically. Emotionally, this takes a lot more practice to live and understand. The closer a person is to you, their control over your emotions increases to a greater extent. For example, if someone you have never met tells you they find you unattractive, how would you feel? It may sting a little, or you may shrug it off entirely. Now what if your best friend told you the same thing? You might actually become angry. It may feel a little more valid. What if you came home one night and your spouse told you the same thing? You would feel deeply hurt, perhaps devastated.

I am not advocating that you become a heartless person. I am not telling you to deny your feelings. Just consider whether what these people have to say has any justification. Some people say terrible things when they are hurting. Some less evolved individuals do not anyone to be happy if they are not. The whole ‘misery loves company’ sort of thing. Considering the amount of people we come in contact with today, both in person and online, the chance one of them may say or do something that could bring us down is rather high. I suggest having a mantra written down that says “I am not going to let anyone bring me down.”

It is your day. Do they have your permission to ruin it?

WHAT DAY IS IT?


Last post we talked about my affection for the stories of Winne-the-Pooh. Today we are going to look at the above quote from this famous literary work of art.

“What day is it?” asked Pooh

“It’s today.” squeaked Piglet

“My favorite day.” said Pooh.
In this quote we are given the gift of great wisdom hidden in what seems to be a silly thought. Today is the best day. In fact, today is the only day. Yesterday has already happened and we cannot change it. If we continue to live in the pain and hurt of yesterday we are doing so at the cost of today. If there is a wrong or hurt that happened yesterday we cannot undo it. The only way to attempt to remedy yesterday is to take action today to undo the wrongs of yesterday.
The same holds true for tomorrow. It has not come yet and will never come. Tomorrow is always in the future. Perhaps you have concerns about future tomorrows? The only thing you can do is act today to help those events in the future. Things such as purchasing life insurance, starting a health regimen, begin a savings account or many other actions that will improve your future. It is the actions we take today that will determine our tomorrows.
Fully enjoying the day we are currently in is the only way in which we can live a truly positive and rewarding life. If we live in the regret of the past we are giving away our peace of today. If we delay our happiness for a future event we are doing the same thing. That is not to say you shouldn’t have things to look forward too, but enjoy the process while you are waiting for them to arrive. Make today your favorite day. Let us all take this great lesson from that friendly bear and his woodland friends.

ARE YOU AN UMBRELLA?

I love this picture. Two innocent children sharing an umbrella in a storm. As an adult we have an opportunity to share an umbrella every day. To take that thought further, we have a chance to be an umbrella. At this point you may be wondering if I know exactly what an umbrella is for or if I even know what an umbrella is. Why would anyone share an umbrella if it wasn’t raining? Even more absurd, how can a human being turn into an umbrella? Fair questions if I were the one reading this post and not the one writing it.

In its simplest terms an umbrella is an instrument for protecting us in a storm. It is the definition not of umbrella that should concern us here, but that of storm. In life there are many storms. Yes, there are thunderstorms when the winds are blowing fierce and the rain can seem unrelenting. It can be scary to be out in it. We may not want to risk driving if we don’t have to. We may want to stay inside our homes where we are safe.

What we may forget is there are many storms we face every day. There are health storms where the thunder of pain is louder than anyone can imagine. There are financial storms where the debt continues to rain down on us no matter how hard we work. There are the painful emotional storms when the winds of struggle and strife blow us off our path. There are many storms my friends. Storms of addiction, storms of loneliness, storms of depression. They say in life you are either on your way into a storm, in the middle of a storm, or coming out of a storm. As Eric Thomas said, “Storms are a part of life, but storms are not life.” All of us face storms each and every day.

As you can imagine, the umbrella for all of these storms can be a little different. It can be an umbrella of compassion for someone who has just been hurt or defeated. It can be the umbrella of encouragement for someone who has lost their way. It can be the umbrella of motivation and inspiration for those lost in a storm of negativity and pessimism. There are some umbrellas like love, friendship and listening that seem to work in every storm.

Just like you can walk with a smile on your face through the most intense storm, so can others. Daily, there are those of us who wake up and put a smile on our faces even when we are in the middle of a storm. Just because someone is smiling does not mean the rain is still not falling. Offer everyone you know an umbrella. When given the chance, be the umbrella they do not have. We are all going through storms and we can all use an umbrella.

YOU HAVE A BRUISE NOT A TATTOO

We all know someone who lives in their past failures. You know the people I am talking about. They had a relationship and it may have been extremely bad, but now that they are free you hear them say things such as, “all men/women are terrible!” Or “Love is a fairytale.”

They accomplish 2 things by doing this. First, they make themselves feel terrible in the moment by reliving that hurt they went through inside their head each time they think about it.

Second, by repeating phrases like that over and over with a great deal of emotion, they create more of that in their reality. If you were a normal, healthy person looking to have a loving, growth-oriented relationship would you be looking for someone who says things like we mentioned above? Of course you wouldn’t. In fact, you would probably run the other way. This would leave our friend looking around saying “see there are no good men/women around anymore!” Little do they know they are chasing them away with their bad attitude and their desire to live in the past.

Don’t turn your bruises into tattoos! Understand bruises can be painful and depending on the severity, may need some time to heal. Trust me on this. Anyone who knows me can speak for my experience in that field. Still, given time and some care all bruises heal. Yours will too unless you make them a tattoo.

JOHNNY APPLE SEED AREN’T WE ALL?

Countless are the times that people have come up to me and said things such as, “I was thinking about what we talked about a while back….” I am sure we have all heard this in our lives. We have all been on the opposite side too, haven’t we? Something someone was telling us didn’t make sense to us at the time, but through some change in life circumstance, we can appreciate it now. Maybe it is a loving thing they told us, the reminder of which has helped us make it through a tough time we are currently facing. This can work in the opposite way too. How many times have we remembered something hurtful that was said or done to us? I am not sure why we choose to do that, but that can be how the human brain works.

What we must keep in mind is that everyday we go through life we are planting seeds. Much like a farmer, what we grow will depend on what seeds we plant. We can plant beautiful flowers, fruit, or even a poisonous plant. The seed may take root or it may not. It may grow in our garden or others may be left to benefit, or be poisoned by what grows. In this way we have an ability to affect not only our life, but the world at large. Allow me to explain what I mean by use of a historical figure.

Johnny Appleseed, better known as John Chapman was an American Pioneer nurseryman who planted apple trees in several states and in part of Canada during the late 18th and early 19th century. A lot of the trees he never saw grow, but in the places he visited people were eating apples long after he was gone. We do much the same things with our words and actions. They may not be apple trees, but we are planting seeds just the same.

If we think in terms of Johnny Appleseed’s story, what will grow from the seeds we plant? If we are planting seeds of kindness and encouragement every where we go, we will see kindness blossom and grow. We will see the confidence and joy continue to grow in the hearts of our friends and family. If we plant seeds of gossip and complaint, we will see melancholy, sadness and resentment blossom all around us. In this way we do a great deal to shape the world in which we live.

What about the world at large? Truly, the seeds we plant can’t make much of a difference on a global scale? Think about this. When you go to purchase a cup of coffee at your local Starbucks, treating the employee with extra kindness could ease a tough day they are having. There you affect one person. Due to that act of kindness, they may treat the next person in line with an extra amount of customer service. Then you have affected two people. Maybe that person is on the way to the airport to fly home to a different city or even country and now feels good thanks to the good service they received. They may go on to treat people they encounter on their journey with more kindness and compassion. Thus, your simple act of kindness could affect people halfway across the world. It may not reach such global proportions, then again with comments on social media and the internet we can spread a great deal of seeds without even leaving our homes.

Although this was a positive example, the same holds true in reverse. You may think comments and they way you treat people are harmless, but you are forever planting seeds. We may not see them grow and it may take years for them to blossom, but given time they will. Let us all do our part to plant seeds of kindness, compassion, encouragement and joy. We will grow a garden of positive results. Let us be equally vigilant against casting seeds of negativity, gossip and judgment to the wind. They too, will grow into a world of negative people, places and things.

Let us all remember we are Johnny Appleseed in our own way. Let us plant seeds to grow positive families, friends, communities and the world at large.

WHY BOTHER?

Last post we investigated why it is important to give all of yourself when it comes to your relationship with the one you love. We learned that it allows them to give all of themselves to us, we learned that by not doing so we end up drawing into our lives the very circumstances that we are trying to prevent. That is certainly important when it comes to our romantic partners. Most of the time we are not only sharing our hearts and souls with each other, but also our homes. Not only is it very important to keep someone who lives in the same house with you happy, but they are probably thinking something very similar.

What about the other people in our lives? What about our friends? Why is important to put so much effort into our friendships? In case you didn’t read the last post let me refresh some of the points that apply equally to friendships as they do to romantic relationships. There are friends we might be afraid to trust completely because they might take advantage of our trust and hurt us. Unlike the romantic partner, there are less repercussions if they do. We do not have to go home to our friends. The connection is generally not as deep as our romantic relationships and therefore the ending of a friendship is usually less painful than a romantic relationship. Same with sharing ourselves with friends. The less we tell them, the less information they would have to use against us should they decide to do so.

To a lot of us this may seem very safe and logical. The less we give people the chance to hurt us, the less we will be hurt. Seems to make sense, right? Wrong. By doing this we are not only short-changing ourselves out of the deep, meaningful relationships we could be enjoying, but we are also hurting others and increasing the chances that we will be hurt in the future. Wait, what?

That’s right. So far we have been looking at this from only one side of the equation. Let us look at the other side for a second. If you feel that your friend views you as untrustworthy or at best does not trust you completely, how would that make you feel? Do you think you would feel like extending your trust to that person? You would probably end up feeling like they do not hold you in that high of regard. Now follow that up with them not completely sharing themselves with you. That could leave you feeling that they think you are either not worth knowing that information, or again cannot be trusted with it. Do you think you would share things about yourself with them? Probably not. This would leave us with very shallow and incomplete relationships at best. It also leaves the door open to upset or anger people even by accident. If you do not know what a person likes or dislikes, their opinions on certain matters or even their fears and joys you could say something you truly regret even not trying to do so.

We have exhausted why it is important not to not give ourselves to friendships. How it can end up increasing the chances we will get hurt instead of keeping us safe as we may think. What advantages, if any, can we gain by trusting and giving ourselves completely to our friendships? I give you exhibit A in the picture above. This is a story that is so exciting I can hardly wait to share it with you. While Margie and I were DJing at a local establishment on Sunday night, my good friend Cari messaged Margie and asked her what door we use when we come home as she had a surprise for me.

When we arrived home around 2 a.m., after what was a very busy evening I was exhausted. Currently, the date here is January 95th, or so it feels. We should be having highs in the mid 50’s but they had been barely above freezing with the sun so fed up with the long winter it decided to take a vacation. I have Seasonal Affective Disorder, so prolonged cold weather minus the sunshine can be quite trying for me and those around me. At this point if you would like to light a candle for Margie it would not be a bad idea. Because I do indeed trust my friends with this information and share it with them as well, Cari was able to do something so thoughtful and amazing. I arrived home to see the above signs taped to my front door! They ranged from reminding me warm weather was coming, to the fact that the cold weather is what makes the tropics so special to me. She added the Wisconsin State Fair, which I love as well. She even encouraged me by reminding me how much my writing touches her and others.

That night I fell asleep with a heart filled with gratitude for the caring and loving friends I have. The reminders and motivation served their purpose, but so did the fact that I have such a great friend. Her efforts did more than she could possibly imagine and her timing could not have been more perfect!

My point is that this all would not have been possible if I did not open my heart to my good friend. It would not have happened if I did not trust her enough to share not only my joys, but also my struggles and fears. It is true that not many friends can be as awesome as Cari, but by trusting and sharing with your friends you give them the opportunity to be so.