This is my favorite book. Read it no less than 7 times. Every time that I read it I either find something new I missed, or am reminded of some important aspect I forgot. One of the main lessons in this book it how you speak with and treat others. Yes, some of it has to do with getting them over to your side of an issue, but that is not the entire lesson. The core principle is treating others with dignity and respect.
Last post we discussed the idea of emotional maturity and self-control. What I see lately is not only a total lack of those two qualities from those in power, but a praising and celebration of treating others poorly. This not only confuses me, but saddens me as well. When, as a society did we praise people for lack of dignity and respect when it comes to dealing with others? We have people in the highest positions of power calling those that disagree with them, or sometimes even question them, terrible names followed by rants attacking their personal character.
They say that the empty can rattles the most. That could not be more true. If someone were emotionally mature, or even have an intellectual point to make in disagreement, they would not take the juvenile path of name calling and insulting. Not to mention to me, what is the greatest point we should ponder in all of this. When we call each other names or put someone down, especially on a public stage, we have no idea how harmful those comments can be. We never know what people are fighting in their lives. With the cost of living so high and the fear of violence as high as it has even been, it is more important now than ever to treat each other with courtesy and respect. That does not mean you have to agree with them. What it does mean is that we need to be emotionally mature enough to disagree with someone without acting like an undisciplined child.
What would we do if the insults and names that we lash out with is what puts someone over the edge? Can you imagine if your childish behavior lead to the loss of a life? Maybe it was the last loss of hope in humanity someone was clinging to? There is no reason to treat someone in this fashion. We can learn to respectfully disagree. Perhaps everyone might give this book a cursory glance.
Today is April Fools Day. Not a holiday I am a fan of, but a good time to take a look at what makes a fool. After all, nobody wants to be associated with being the fool, not even on April Fools Day. As the quote above from Willy Shakespeare shows, one of the first sign of a fool is the belief they know it all. Never, in any situation, can anyone really know it all. There are so many different variables to consider, and the change so fast, that there is always more to learn. It has been my observation that people who act as if they know it all really suffer from a lack of self-confidence or a poor self-image. Where someone who is wise, knows that there is always more to learn and is not afraid to admit he has more to learn. The first way to be a fool is to think, and act, like you know it all.
The second quote comes from one of my favorite authors, Dale Carnegie. He wrote my favorite book, How to Win Friends and Influence People. If you haven’t read it yet, I highly suggest you do so. It will not only change your life, but the lives of everyone you come in contact with. Here, Mr. Carnegie points out a trait of fools. They criticize, condemn and complain. Not only does this make you foolish, it makes you unpleasant to be around. This was brought home by my friend Gonzo. We were chatting the other night and he said something I thought each one of us could be reminded of. He said, “Everyone can complain, but it doesn’t mean you have to.” What does complaining, condemning and criticizing do for us? Very little would be the answer. Much like our first example, people who do this usually have a poor self-image. They do so because it makes them feel more secure in themselves. It is far better to encourage, inspire and uplift. Second way to be a fool is to constantly criticize, condemn and complain.
Today, let us not to anything foolish. Instead of thinking we know it all or constantly complaining and criticizing, let us look to learn, listen and inspire. The way some folks act, fools day can be far more than the first of April. Let us be a light in the darkness, a wise soul in the company of fools. Be the best version of ourselves and leave the foolishness to the fools.
People often wonder what the secret to the relationship I have with Margie. Firstly, it helps that she is an amazing, patient and understanding woman. However, there are certain things I do on my end that ensure we will continue to not only maintain, but grow our love for each other. They are 4 simple things that you can do in your own relationship, starting as soon as you finish reading this blog post! We are going to discuss how this works in intimate relationships, but as you will see, the four items can be used to create an amazing relationship whether it is platonic or intimate.
The first suggestion is to purchase the two book featured in the photo above. We will look at them one at a time. How to Win Friends and Influence People is my favorite book of all time. It not only is filled with secrets to help you navigate the often tricky world of interpersonal relationships, but to do so making the other person feel loved, valued and heard. The ‘influence people’ portion sounds like you might be manipulating someone, but it is quite the opposite. Let us say you would like your partner to be more romantic. You could try being direct and saying, “Why on earth can’t you be more romantic?” That would not only have them feeling defensive, it would also not stir up many loving feelings. If, however, you encouraged romantic behavior by telling them how loved you felt when they did ______ . ‘That’ being whatever romantic behavior they last did. Perhaps, you could start by doing romantic behaviors yourself. When they are overwhelmed with love, you can say something to the effect of, “I know it is important to let you know you are loved. Doing romantic things are the best way I can think of to show that.” These subtle behaviors will have them wanting to be romantic with you and they will even think it is their idea. You are influencing their behavior, but it is more guiding than manipulating.
Above are the 5 love languages, from the book of the same name. We are all a mix of each and doing anything from the list is good. Still, we are usually predominantly one. That is to say, we usually receive love best through one of them. Here is the tricky part, we also usually show love through one of them. What if the way your partner receives love, and the way you show love do not match up? You may feel like you are working so hard to show them love they are not really seeing it. That’s ok. There is a quiz in the book that will help you discover how you, and your partner, both show and receive love. This will allow you to have your partner feeling more loved than ever before and you can do so easier than you imagined. If they are on board as well, you will be feeling more loved as well. Talk about a win/win! If you are not into reading, or don’t have the time, get the audio versions of these great books. Listen to them on your morning commute or when you clean the house. Imagine coming home from work being a greater lover than when you left? Imagine if you did this every day for a month?
The 2 habits we are going to discuss are ritual and reminder. Do not let the word ‘ritual’ scare you off. We are not going to sacrifice a living animal under a full moon. A ritual is a dedicated set of actions done with intent and feeling. How does any of this have to do with creating a great relationship? Simple. Once you discover the way your partner best receives love, set up a ritual, or routine if that word still scares you, that accomplishes those actions. Let us say your partner best receives love through words of affirmation, my personal one, then set up a ritual where you do something on a regular basis that accomplishes that. When you start out, maybe do it once a week. One day it may be an online post letting the world know why you love them. The next might be an email letting them know all of the reasons they are amazing. The following could be mailing them a card with a heartfelt message.
The possibilities are endless. They are only limited by your creativity. Not so creative? That is what Google is for. An important side-note. When your partner takes the quiz, you will see they have a first, second, third and so on, list of how they receive love. I would throw in a few in the number 2 category as well. Remember, we are not just one or the other when it comes to receiving love. In addition to what you are already doing, maybe you could do a load of laundry for them. Stop at the grocery store and pick up something you know they need without them asking. You could even let them know you will be passing the store on the way home and ask them if they need anything.
How on earth are you going to remember to do all of this? That plays into the last of our 4 tools to an amazing relationship. A reminder. This leaves room for creativity as well. I like setting an alarm in your phone. Maybe for shortly after you leave work. Just a quick reminder to do one of the actions that make your partner feel loved. You can also make it your screen saver on your phone. Most of us look at our phone hundreds of times a day. What a better way to ingrain a habit into your mind that to look at it hundreds of times a day. How about picking a symbol? Meaning, every time you see the word ‘love’ somewhere it will remind you to take the actions to make your partner feel loved. It should be a symbol you see regularly, but not so much it does not stand out.
If you take these 4 actions, I promise you that your relationship will be better than before. It works for me and it will work for you. As you can see, this can be used for any person that you wish to increase a connection with. The tips in How to Win Friends and Influence People can be used in a business setting, with friends or family and anyone else you want to win as a friend. The 5 Love Languages even sound romantic, but if you replace the word love with the feeling of importance and value, you can see how it would work in the platonic sense. As for ritual and reminder, it can be used to call your mother, compliment your boss or check in on a friend. These tools will improve any relationship you want to focus on. The one at home has the biggest impact on your emotional well-being, but having great relationships across the board will improve your life!
I ran into my friend Linda at my day job today. For those of you who may not have read the post about Linda that we shared some time ago, she is a wonderful lady that stops in the Post Office I work in. Linda lost her grandson a while back and we shared some thoughts and tears on that subject. She has not only become a great supporter of my writing, but a muse of sorts as well. She is one of those friends that every time I talk to them, I leave with many more ideas to write about and share with you.
On this particular morning, we were talking about books we enjoyed. I don’t even recall how we got on the subject, if I am being honest. The interesting thing we discovered we have in common, was that we both reread books. My favorite book is How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. My best guest would be that I have read it seven times. Why on earth would I do that? Do I just have that bad of a memory? No. The reason why I read that book so many times is simple. I am a different person who is reading it. Before you think that I am referring to the multiple voices who take up residence in my head, let me explain. As we go through life we are shaped by many different life experiences. Hopefully, we use them to grow and we are ever evolving. If you are reading a blog like this one, I venture to say that is probably the case for you. Therefore, when you pick up a book a year from now, the person who opens the cover will be different than the one who did so last time you read it. In fact, the hand that turns the last page will belong to a different person than the one who turned the first page.
In life there are many circumstances that deserve revisiting. Whether that is a book, a skill you are trying to develop or a course you wish to take. You are a different person than you were last time you did any of those things. You are a person who has grown, evolved and experienced many different things in life. Even reading the same book, you will appreciate it in a new way and get something new out of it. What things could you revisit that you might learn even more from now than the last time?
Margie and I routinely take turns picking out movies to watch. One night it is her turn, the next night it is my turn. This way it keeps things fair and interesting since we can often have very different tastes in movies. On this particular night the movie that was chosen to watch was “What Women Want” staring Mel Gibson among others. If you haven’t seen the movie I will given you the plot very briefly. A man who generally has little regard for women is suddenly able to hear their every thought. By being able to do this, it has a big impact on his life and career.
As valuable as this ability might be, as far as we are aware it is impossible to hear the minds of the opposite sex. To some this could be frustrating, but to many they should probably be grateful. I am sure we can all recall many moments when we have heard friends say, or even said ourselves, “I wish I could know what goes on in their head!” On occasion I have even said this about myself, but that is a topic for a different day. Trying to know what is in the minds of someone, be it a man or a woman, can be frustrating. The amazing thing is that there is a way to do this and it is also easier than you think. Of course there are a million books on ‘How to read someone like a book’ or ‘how to understand your partner more’. Trust me I have read a good deal of them and they all have something valuable to offer.
The tricky thing about reading and applying the knowledge you learn from these books is that it can vary from person to person. To say all men are alike or all women think and act in the same manner is obviously ludicrous. A lot of our nature has to do with genetics, experiences and goals. Wouldn’t it be great if there were a simple formula that could work to help us gain deeper insight into anyone we are working to know on a deeper level? How much would it be worth to know how your boss felt about certain things? How helpful would knowing what motivated your employees and coworkers be? Would it be valuable to you to understand why members of your family continue to do things that drive you crazy? To, of course, the most valuable aspect of this formula. How much would you pay to know more about the inner workings of the mind contained in the head of the person you loved? What if you could know more about what made them happy? Would knowing what upset them as well as what made them happy and relaxed be worth something to you?
The great news is that there is such a formula. The better news is I am about to give it to you for free! No strings attached. You can choose to use it, or you can choose to dismiss it because of its simplicity. The choice is up to you. My promise to you is this – if you put this formula to work with an honest effort, you will acheive everything mentioned in the paragraph above and more. Personally, I would recommend starting with one person until you really get the hang of this. After a while, applying this formula will become second nature to you and all your relationships will be taken to amazing new levels. You will be able to impress your boss with regularity. This could lead to a raise, a promotion or countless other great items. You could motivate your employees and coworkers while making them happy at the same time. Imagine the work enviroment this could lead to! Most importantly, you will have your intimate partner feeling happier and more loved than ever before. I have been applying this formula in my own relationship and can tell you it is one of the main reasons both of us are so happy.
What is this magic formula? How can you apply it for your own benefit today? The formula is the title of this blog – SHUT 1 AND OPEN 2. You may wish to write this simple formula down as a daily reminder. Let me explain further what this formula means. Again, I strongly caution you against dismissing it based on how simple it may sound. Most profound thoughts are simple. The first part of the formula ‘shut one’ refers to your mouth. Most of us love to explain to our partners our feelings (a very important aspect of communication) but we are so busy talking about ourselves, we forget to do the second part of the formula. That second part ‘open 2’ refers to both our ears and our eyes. Call it actively listening, focused observation or any other term you like. Using this second part of the formula will bring you all the riches you desire when it comes to personal relations.
Let us delve a little deeper into the second part of this formula. Focused observation involves listening to, and watching someone with a particular goal in mind. In this case to learn more about them. Most couples can tell you that they can tell when their partner is upset when they give them “the look”. Actively listening or applying the second part of this formula involves paying attention to what proceeded that look. What was said or done to ilicit that expression? The same can work in reverse. When we see a genuine expression of joy on our partners face, their eyes lighting up, a smile adorning their face, it causes us to be happy as well. How often do we stop and ask ourselves “What caused this expression of joy?” More importantly in these examples is making a mental, or written, account of that. Remember what caused the pain or upset and what caused the joy.
I applied this very formula in my own relationship with astounding results. I did it without really knowing what I was doing. Now that I know and have perfected this formula, I continue to use it everyday and the results have only become more amazing. I was at our local food coop and wanted to pick up a little gift for Margie to let her know I was thinking about her. We had been to that store a few times as well as other grocery stores. The funny thing was I did not have any clue as to what a good surprise would be. I thought to myself, “Boy if only she was here I could see what she liked and then pick that out.” Suddenly it hit me, I should be doing that all of the time. In the countless times we had been to the grocery store I did not really pay attention to what she may have picked up or what aisles she gravitated towards. I made a decision next time we went shoppping I would observe carefully to what she did and said to learn what would be a good surprise next time I was alone. I can tell you that I learned more about my beautiful Margie in that shopping trip than I had in all the time we spent leading up to that moment.
I was so proud of myself until I realized one very important thing. There was no reason to have waited to learn about the love of my life. It is not just what she likes in the grocery store that can make me a hero for the day. I began to pay attention to what movies she picks out. What colors she enjoys having around. What she says she likes, and what lights her up. I have seen her get upset with both me and others and noticed what caused that. I noticed what songs she listens to when she is upset, and which she listens to when she wants to relax. I observed her as a scientest would do when observing an experiment. Then I began to test what I had learned. Slowly I found ways to make her feel more happy and loved than I had done up to that point. This practice continues to this day. Some days I may not learn anything, but just be reminded of things that are important to her. Other days I learn so much I feel I didn’t even know the woman I have been blessed to be with.
It never fails to surprise me how many people do not know the most basic elements about their partners. What is their shoe size? What are their favorite colors? Movies? Songs? This formula can give you what many would percieve as an unfair advantage. Do not take my word for it, Prove it to yourself using this 24 hour experiment. For the next 24 hours pick someone to observe. Some may find it easier to start with someone they are not so attached to, others may see more benefit in jumping right in to the person closest to you. For 24 hours become an active listener. Watch their every move. Listen to every word they say. Even more important, try to learn what is behind these words and actions. Record what you learn. As a bonus you can even go deeper. Look at their social media accounts and what they put out for the world to see. Have they expressed what is important to them? Have they mentioned what upsets them or goals they are trying to reach? Make note of this too. It may sound like you are stalking them, and it way this is true. What you are doing is focusing all of your efforts on learning how this person thinks and feels. Imagine what amazing things you can do with this information? To them it may seem as if you can read their minds and atticipate their needs and desires. Imagine how that will change your relationships?
People often ask me, “Neil, what is your secret to remaining positive and limiting the negative effect stress has in your life?” It was with this question in mind that I pondered what material I would recommend that would allow individuals to make the most of their lives. My first recommendation would be to get your hands on my book “A Happy Life for Busy People” You will find a link at the end of this post. It includes everything I have learned in 20+ years in the self-improvement field. Written in a conversational tone, it is like spending time with me everytime you turn the page.
Next, the recording “The Strangest Secret” by Earl Nightingale. This 30 minute recording is nothing short of life-changing. In this recording you will learn valuable things about how your mind works as well as a plan you can easily put into place to fast track your success. I have personally listened to this recording over 100 times and it brings something new each and every time. Third, would be the movie “The Secret” released in 2006. This movie is a basic foundation of the law of attraction. There are very important concepts highlighted in this movie. You will learn a lot and all you have to do is push play. Lastly, would be my favorite book, “How to Win Friends and Influence People”by Dale Carnegie. This is a book I do my best to read once a year. Depending on where I am in life, this books serves as a learning tool or a great reminder. Everything we do and accomplish in life involves people. The better your ability to get along with others, the better your chances of success. I can think of no better book than this to teach you the tools to do just that.
With these four resources, you will be well on your way to an amazing life. Click the link below to get your copy of my book and begin your journey!
Welcome back to our celebration of 30 days of gratitude. Each day we will focus on one area of our life to be grateful for. If this is your first day doing this I invite you to go back and do the days before this. You can do them in your head, write them down and home, but it is my hope you decide to share what you are grateful for with our community here on Secret2anamazinglife.com. There are no rules. Do one day or do all 30. Let us now look at today’s area of gratitude.
Just like the last post about songs, stories in my life are plentiful. I have two full bookshelves in my office and some books that won’t even fit. As both an author and someone committed to improving themselves, I have a passion for reading. My favorite book is How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. it is a book you can read several times as always get something new out of it. I love the works of Tom Brown Jr. The books that comprise The Secret collection by Rhonda Byrne are most amazing.
Stories can be found in more that just books. I also have a collection of audio material that I can learn from. As most of you know, I am a big fan of Earl Nightingale. His stories that can be found on such great works as The Strangest Secret and Lead the Field, are timeless classics.
All of these stories are great, but some of best stories are those among friends that bring a laugh to our faces and joy to our hearts. I recall a great party at my late friend Nick’s house one day during my high school years that spawned years of great stories and friendships. Margie and I have some great stories from our trips to Las Vegas and Jamaica. We are always looking to create and share new stories with each other as well.
What stories are you grateful for? We all tend to enjoy stories that remind us of the good in the world and each other. It would be great if we could share more of them with each other in the new year.
Welcome back to our celebration of 30 days of gratitude. Each day we will focus on one area of our life to be grateful for. If this is your first day doing this I invite you to go back and do the days before this. You can do them in your head, write them down and home, but it is my hope you decide to share what you are grateful for with our community here on Secret2anamazinglife.com. There are no rules. Do one day or do all 30. Let us now look at today’s area of gratitude.
There is an obvious answer here and that would be my book, A Happy Life for Busy People. It is true I am very grateful for that book. It has opened so many doors in my life and introduced me to so many wonderful people. It is also owned by rock stars, movie stars and billionaires. If you would like your own copy there will be a link at the bottom of this post. Yes, that is one of the books I am most thankful for.
There are, however, a handful of books that I would recommend everyone read. Let us start with my favorite book of all time, How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. I read this book on average once a year. I gain something new everytime I read it. That is the amazing thing about a great book. You always gain something new from them each time you read them. Not because they are different, but because you are. I also loved the book The Secret by Rhonda Byrne. This law of attraction classic is filled with great basic ideas and formulas. The World According to Mr. Rogers is another favorite filled with great stories and fundamentals. Anyone who knows me knows that I am also a big fan of the Winnie-the-Pooh books by A.A. Milne. Not only are they uplifting and full of joy, they often have great lessons hidden in their pages.
Books are stored knowledge. You can save yourself years of work by reading the lessons someone who went before you wrote. You can escape by slipping into pages that transport you to entire different worlds. You can learn, you can be inspired. There are so many books to be inspired by. Which are some of your favorites?
Yesterday while listening to one of my favorite motivational speakers, Anthony Robbins, I heard him say something that made me understand why I seem to agree with much of what he says. He said that when you should listen to what makes sense to you and the rest say “Well that Tony Robbins he is just crazy”. It is refreshing to hear someone not profess to be ‘the answer’ or ‘the guru’. When I mention to someone I listen to him, or Wayne Dyer, or Joe Vitale or read “How to Win Friends and Influence People” or watch the secret, they always seem to stress what they do not like about that person, book, or whatever it may be. I’m here to tell you, expose yourself to as much material as you can. What makes no sense to one person may change the life of the next. Decide for yourself. Make good use of your public library, or better yet, find a friend who is also interested in improving themselves and their life. I am fortunate enough to have a few of those. In fact, one friend of mine meets me for lunch and we exchange books and ideas. If a person knows you it is like a second set of ears and eyes to look out for something that you may benefit from. Plus, when going through any transformation there are always bound to be challenges and it is great to have someone in your corner cheering you on. So take that class on self-hypnosis, pick up that book you’ve been meaning to try to listen to that motivational speaker your friend is raving about. Even if you only get one thing out of it, you have just improved your life that little bit more. Who knows you may just find what you need to take your life to that next level! So keep an open mind and have fun exploring.
SECRET 2 AN AMAZING LIFE 