Tag: how to improve your relationship

HOW TO AVOID THE DANGER FACING EVERY RELATIONSHIP AND FALL MORE IN LOVE THAN EVER BEFORE! ❤️

Your relationship is in danger! This includes not only friendships, but most importantly your intimate relationship. In fact, this is the one that may be in the greatest danger. What is the giant threat facing your relationship? Before we get to that – a warning. This threat may seem like not such a big deal. Trust me it is. If you value any, or all, of your relationships, take notice of what we are going to talk about today. More important than taking notice, is taking action. If you do, you will not only neutralize this dangerous threat, you will deepen your relationships and fall more in love than ever before. This is true whether that love is romantic or platonic.

The threat facing all relationships, be they friend or lover, is society’s tendency to focus on what is wrong with someone or something. I cannot recall how many times at work I see people gathered around complaining about they person they are in a relationship with. If someone doesn’t add to the conversation, they are looked at as a little odd. I never understood this. Why would you want the person you are with look anything less than beyond perfect? By making them look bad, what does that say about you? Here is the true danger – it gives others something to remind you of and to add to. If you want success in your relationship, share as much of what is right, and none of what is wrong. This holds true double for social media. Raise your hand if you know a couple that is constantly breaking up and falling in love online? Same two people. Depending on the day, they are either convincing you the other is the bottom of humanity, or they are the reason they get up in the morning. Do you know how that makes the two of you look? Like a couple of clowns.

Another thing that sharing negative information about friends, or worse the person you love, does is give others ammunition. There are always people who wish to break up friendships and relationships. Maybe they are jealous of your happiness? Maybe they want the friend or spouse you have? Whatever their motive, sharing your problems or negative thoughts gives them something to work with. They can either take that information and spread it to others, often including the person you were discussing, causing a further rift in the relationship. They can also remind you of these negative thoughts. A somewhat innocent comment like, “I know things seem good now, but remember when they did ___ to you?” This can put a limit to the amount of joy you can experience with someone and increase the negative feelings in a relationship.

The cure to this is really quite simple. Share as much wonderful things about your friends and those you love with as many people as you can. This will not only prevent them from finding a crack in your friendship and relationship to take advantage of, but it will also strengthen your feelings for that other person by reminding yourself of all the wonderful things about them you may have forgot. It will also have you looking a lot better in the eyes of others. Who wants to be friends with someone who is constantly speaking negative about people, or discussing problems they have with them? What do you think will happen as soon as you are not around? No, instead share the love. If it gets back to them, they will be quite impressed. If it doesn’t, it will still lead to an increase in the positive feelings you have for this person. Either way, it will strengthen the relationship and prevent the ever lurking danger from harming it. Speak love, feel love. What is something you find amazing about one of your friends or the person you love?

2 BOOKS + 2 HABITS = 1 AMAZING RELATIONSHIP 👏

People often wonder what the secret to the relationship I have with Margie. Firstly, it helps that she is an amazing, patient and understanding woman. However, there are certain things I do on my end that ensure we will continue to not only maintain, but grow our love for each other. They are 4 simple things that you can do in your own relationship, starting as soon as you finish reading this blog post! We are going to discuss how this works in intimate relationships, but as you will see, the four items can be used to create an amazing relationship whether it is platonic or intimate.

The first suggestion is to purchase the two book featured in the photo above. We will look at them one at a time. How to Win Friends and Influence People is my favorite book of all time. It not only is filled with secrets to help you navigate the often tricky world of interpersonal relationships, but to do so making the other person feel loved, valued and heard. The ‘influence people’ portion sounds like you might be manipulating someone, but it is quite the opposite. Let us say you would like your partner to be more romantic. You could try being direct and saying, “Why on earth can’t you be more romantic?” That would not only have them feeling defensive, it would also not stir up many loving feelings. If, however, you encouraged romantic behavior by telling them how loved you felt when they did ______ . ‘That’ being whatever romantic behavior they last did. Perhaps, you could start by doing romantic behaviors yourself. When they are overwhelmed with love, you can say something to the effect of, “I know it is important to let you know you are loved. Doing romantic things are the best way I can think of to show that.” These subtle behaviors will have them wanting to be romantic with you and they will even think it is their idea. You are influencing their behavior, but it is more guiding than manipulating.

Above are the 5 love languages, from the book of the same name. We are all a mix of each and doing anything from the list is good. Still, we are usually predominantly one. That is to say, we usually receive love best through one of them. Here is the tricky part, we also usually show love through one of them. What if the way your partner receives love, and the way you show love do not match up? You may feel like you are working so hard to show them love they are not really seeing it. That’s ok. There is a quiz in the book that will help you discover how you, and your partner, both show and receive love. This will allow you to have your partner feeling more loved than ever before and you can do so easier than you imagined. If they are on board as well, you will be feeling more loved as well. Talk about a win/win! If you are not into reading, or don’t have the time, get the audio versions of these great books. Listen to them on your morning commute or when you clean the house. Imagine coming home from work being a greater lover than when you left? Imagine if you did this every day for a month?

The 2 habits we are going to discuss are ritual and reminder. Do not let the word ‘ritual’ scare you off. We are not going to sacrifice a living animal under a full moon. A ritual is a dedicated set of actions done with intent and feeling. How does any of this have to do with creating a great relationship? Simple. Once you discover the way your partner best receives love, set up a ritual, or routine if that word still scares you, that accomplishes those actions. Let us say your partner best receives love through words of affirmation, my personal one, then set up a ritual where you do something on a regular basis that accomplishes that. When you start out, maybe do it once a week. One day it may be an online post letting the world know why you love them. The next might be an email letting them know all of the reasons they are amazing. The following could be mailing them a card with a heartfelt message.

The possibilities are endless. They are only limited by your creativity. Not so creative? That is what Google is for. An important side-note. When your partner takes the quiz, you will see they have a first, second, third and so on, list of how they receive love. I would throw in a few in the number 2 category as well. Remember, we are not just one or the other when it comes to receiving love. In addition to what you are already doing, maybe you could do a load of laundry for them. Stop at the grocery store and pick up something you know they need without them asking. You could even let them know you will be passing the store on the way home and ask them if they need anything.

How on earth are you going to remember to do all of this? That plays into the last of our 4 tools to an amazing relationship. A reminder. This leaves room for creativity as well. I like setting an alarm in your phone. Maybe for shortly after you leave work. Just a quick reminder to do one of the actions that make your partner feel loved. You can also make it your screen saver on your phone. Most of us look at our phone hundreds of times a day. What a better way to ingrain a habit into your mind that to look at it hundreds of times a day. How about picking a symbol? Meaning, every time you see the word ‘love’ somewhere it will remind you to take the actions to make your partner feel loved. It should be a symbol you see regularly, but not so much it does not stand out.

If you take these 4 actions, I promise you that your relationship will be better than before. It works for me and it will work for you. As you can see, this can be used for any person that you wish to increase a connection with. The tips in How to Win Friends and Influence People can be used in a business setting, with friends or family and anyone else you want to win as a friend. The 5 Love Languages even sound romantic, but if you replace the word love with the feeling of importance and value, you can see how it would work in the platonic sense. As for ritual and reminder, it can be used to call your mother, compliment your boss or check in on a friend. These tools will improve any relationship you want to focus on. The one at home has the biggest impact on your emotional well-being, but having great relationships across the board will improve your life!

SAME BUT DIFFERENT… IT’S WHAT YOU WANT

In my seminars and talks that I give many people are forever telling me that they wish their partner was easier to get along with. I ask them what the problem is and a good deal attribute their problems with their partner being too different from them. I am going to let you in on a little secret – that is not the problem. If you and your partner were the same your relationship would fail or fall flat in a short amount of time. It would make choosing what movie to see or going out to dinner a lot easier.

I am here to tell you the secret to compelling and passionate relationship is the differences. Yes, it is certainly imperative to have specific things in common for your relationship to succeed. Having the same values is very important. They may be to a greater or lesser degree, but knowing and understanding what your partner values is a very important aspect to a successful relationship. Sharing the same relationship goals and knowing what the future holds is also important. To, of course, a mutual respect for the other individual. The similarities are like a strong foundation. They allow you to build on this relationship. 

Take the relationship I have with my beautiful Margie. People look at us from the outside and think we also get along and share all of the same interests. We have even been tagged in posts with the #relationshipgoals. Humbly, I would say they are right. We do have an amazing relationship and it gets better every day. The reason that is true is not because we get along all of the time or are really alike. Neither of those are true. It is the differences that give our relationship its spice. Just like in food, there are times when we have a little too much spice, or differences, and we end up getting burned. Just like a recipe you refine, we learn from that and move along.

Allow me to share with you some of our differences and how we actually benefit and grow from them. Let us take music for an example. We do like some of the same bands. We discovered our love for the artist Michael Franti together, and have been to see Jackyl a few times. As a general rule, Margie is more pop and r and b, while I am 80’s hard rock and country. On any given day she will be listening to Pink and Chris Brown and I will be listening to Ratt and Chris Janson. How does this benefit us? When we DJ together we are able to help a wide range of people pick songs or put a name to a particular song they are trying to think of. We also can introduce each other to new artists and songs the other may not have heard.

Then there is the speed in which we get ready. I can be ready at the drop of a hat. 30 minutes later Margie is still trying on different hats. This gives me time to do things like enjoy a cup of coffee, look up directions for where we may be going or simply warm up the car. Margie can also be sillier than I am. She feels more comfortable doing goofy things in public than I do. In this difference, she teaches me to be a little more relaxed in public and I keep her from fines and jail time.

shortly after reading

Some differences are what make our relationship as wonderful as it is. We both like to learn but do so in very different ways. I love to read. If Margie reads, she is asleep in half a paragraph. Our solution? At night I read to her as we lay in bed together. Not only does this allow both of us to learn, which makes us happy, it is a wonderfully romantic solution to a challenging problem. She loves shopping and I love walking in nature. How do we solve this? In addition to occasionally joining each other for these trips, we use the time wisely. She spends time with her daughter who also likes to shop, and I walk in nature with my mother. Time apart makes our hearts grow fonder and we both have time with others that we love.

she loves candy and I do not

The problem in relationships is not the differences, but what you do with them. Differences give you contrast and variety. It is that excitement at spark. Differences in what you enjoy intimately can lead to many new and fun discoveries. Differences allow you to show love. If you do your best to enjoy something your partner really loves and you do not, how can they not love and appreciate that? You can use those differences to learn more about you, your partner and the love you share. Next time you are tempted to blame a difference for a problem in your relationship, ask yourself, “How can I use this difference to make my relationship even better?” The answers you discover may very well surprise you.

2 SECRETS TO AN AMAZING RELATIONSHIP

Here is a subject on which I feel I can speak with great authority. I say that for two very good reasons. One, I have a relationship, that although is far from perfect, it is amazing and we are working on making it better every day. The second reason is that I have screwed up so much in the past I have quite a few ideas of what doesn’t work in creating an amazing relationship. In this post we are going to unlock two insider secrets that if you put them into play, I promise will not only improve your relationships, but will improve your life. As an added bonus, it will also improve your most important relationship. That is the one with the person in the mirror.

In this blog we explore ways in which you can live a more amazing life. There is no greater area of your life that influences whether your life is amazing or not than your relationships. Although we are going to look at this from the point of an intimate relationship, you can apply these two secrets to any relationship from friend to coworker and watch them blossom into something very special. In fact, if you honestly give these two secrets I am about to share with you an honest try for 30 days, I promise you that your life will be better than it has ever been. One of these secrets will not only make you more popular, but will give you the appearance of having an almost supernatural power to make anyone feel special and appreciated. The other secret will not only take your relationships to a whole new level, but will have you happier, healthier and more full of inner peace than you thought was possible! Sound like a lot of hype? I promise you that it is not. Remember, I have been on both sides of the coin. I know what doesn’t work and have made most of the mistakes. (Sorry baby, but I am sure there are still some I am have yet to get to) and I have also used these tools, and continue to use them, to create some of the most rewarding and dynamic relationships I have even had. Are you ready to learn these simple yet powerful secrets so you can put them to use in your own life? Before we jump in to what they are and how to use them, a quick warning is needed. These secrets are deceptively simple. You may hear them and assume you already are using them. Let me assure you that odds are you are not. You may also assume that since they are so simple they will not work. Not only am I living proof, but the countless people I have shared these two secrets with can attest to their magical quality. Heed these two warning as you read on and I promise you that your life is about to transform.

LISTEN

The first amazing tool is to listen. Before you start telling me how you have been listening to your spouse complain for years, let me stop you. This is a different kind of listening. This type of listening will help you get inside your partners head. It is active listening, or as I like to call it, listening with a purpose. The picture above is of myself and my love Margie. Fear not, her tongue is not normally blue. I want to share a quick story about how listening changed my relationship with this beautiful young lady. Early in our relationship I found my self at the grocery store wanting to bring her home a little something to let her know I was thinking of her. The sad part was I did not know what she would like. What kind of cereal did she like? I didn’t know. What fruit might she enjoy? I was clueless. I made up my mind to focus on what she seemed to gravitate towards next time we were at the store together. When I did the information was overwhelming. As we walked and did our normal shopping I suddenly heard her tell me about her passion for black olives and why Lucky Charms should be considered a healthy cereal.

I was so happy and excited with all of my new found knowledge that I couldn’t wait to go to the grocery store again and be able to pick out something she would like. I must confess that I almost missed the true value of this. It does not just have to be limited to the grocery store. I began to listen to find our what made her happy. I watched as she seemed to brighten up around certain flowers. I learned that when she is stressed shopping at the craft store is good for her. Not so good for the bottom line, but I digress. If you listen to your partner to discover what they like and what they don’t, what makes them happy and what makes them mad. Recently, I recall hearing Margie mention she wanted a water bottle that broke down how much water she should drink by certain times of the day. Without saying I word I looked online and found one in colors she enjoys. The effect on your partner is the true reward here. They will not only be happy you are doing more of what makes them happy and less of what makes them mad, but they will feel listened to and valuable. For your benefit, you will now have the ability to bring joy and happiness to your relationship almost at will. The great thing about this is that the more you listen and learn, the better you will be at making your partner feel loved.

BE THE BEST VERSION OF YOURSELF

This secret I have only really come across recently. When things seem to be struggling in your relationship, focus on yourself. It may be true that your partner is treating you unfairly. It may be true times are just rough. What is a certain truth is you have no control over your partner nor outside circumstances. Trying to get and maintain control over either of those things will not only drive you crazy, you probably will end up a jerk as well. What you do have complete control over is yourself. Why is this important? If you are working on improving yourself, it is pretty hard not to win the admiration of your partner. If you work on getting in better shape and becoming healthier you will have more energy to bring to the relationship. Maybe you could work on expanding your knowledge base (Learning new things). That will provide more stimulating conversation in your relationship. How about working on your relationship skills in general? There are plenty of fun and amusing guides on how to become more romantic, adventurous, charming and whatever else you may wish to be.

What if you do all of this and your relationship still falls apart? Believe it or not, this is the best part about using this tool. If you truly work to become the best version of yourself and things do not work out, you can be confident in two very important things. First, if the relationship did not work when you were the best version of yourself, than it would not have worked at all. The worst thing about the end of a relationship is saying the ‘should of’ and ‘what if’. If you did the best you could, you should have no regrets. The second thing is even better. If you continue to work on yourself to improve every day and things do not work out with your partner, you are going to be in a far better position to start your next relationship. I enjoy learning new ways to make my love smile. Everyday at the gym I know I am working to be a healthier and happier version of myself. On the days I do screw things up, I am always eager to learn something new about improving myself and what I bring to our relationship.

In the end, becoming someone who can listen with a purpose and constantly improving ourselves will not only benefit our relationship, it will make us better and more powerful people. Being able to listen to someone, not to reply, but to learn and understand is so rare it could be considered a super power. Developing the drive to work on ourselves everyday will not only set us up to have our partner falling in love with us all over again, but at the end of the day we will be a better person. Practice these two relationship tools. They really are the secret to an amazing life.