This thought comes from the book, The Art of War. It is a great book not only for military conflict, but for life as well. This quote is a prime example. Many people wish to start wars with us. They could be an ex lover, a jealous coworker, or a boss that likes to put us down. Some of them just enjoy bringing chaos into our lives. Have you ever heard the saying ‘misery loves company’? It is true. There are folks whose only joy in life is to see people as miserable as they are. Baffles me as why this is better than working on their own life, but ours is not to wonder why.
Often, the only result these folks want is for us to engage them in this misery. Remember that you do not have to attend every argument you are invited to. What you should do instead is what Frank Sinatra reminded us to do in the quote above. Focus on our success. Nothing will drive a miserable person crazy than to see the person they are trying to bring down experiencing joy and success. Do not engage them. Do not fight them and you will win the war!
Next time someone does their best to start drama in your life, instead of engaging with them, focus on your own success. At the end of the day you will be further ahead while they will be in the same place disgusted they could not force you into joining them in their misery. That is a win for you.
It has happened to all of us. Some less-than-thoughtful person says, or does, something to ruin our day. Maybe it is something particularly unnerving that sticks with us. I know that is something yours truly is working on. It can set the tone for your entire day. Here is a hard truth – it shouldn’t. Each person, each interaction, should be viewed as a clean slate. We should give each person a fresh opportunity. This is done not only to benefit those we interact with, but ourselves as well. If you let that bad experience fester, it can really drive you crazy. Trust me, it is something that I know all too well.
That creates the question, how do we start fresh with each person? By seeing them for what they are, a new adventure to discover and unfold. Even the same person who is always negative can transform through some life epiphany. The odds may play against that, but it can happen. I have a lady at my day job who is like that. Let us call her “Michelle”. Whenever I have cause to interact with this young lady, there are a few things I do. First, I guard my energy because she is an emotional vampire who can suck the joy out of you. Then, I remember it is an opportunity to try and influence her energy instead of the other way around. Then, I do my best to remember that anyone can change. Even those who have been the same for years.
Just like wearing garlic for regular vampires, you must protect your energy with emotional vampires as well. Use the steps above. If you are feeling a bit down, be that physically or emotionally, do your best to avoid them. When you do interact with them, remember to give them opportunities to change their ways. If they do, encourage them by reacting positively. If they do not, be grateful that you are not the same. I also find viewing it like an emotional day at the gym. When we work out physically, we encounter resistance. It is always work, and seldom fun. Yet, we leave the gym feeling stronger and as a slightly better version of ourselves.
Just remember these important things when encountering sunshine-challenged people. First, protect your own energy. You can do this in many different ways. Use the one that speaks to you. Do not forget to give them the benefit of the doubt. Anyone can change at any time. If they have not, view it as an emotional workout. Let it strengthen your ability to remain positive in the face of negativity.
Recently, a good friend asked me a question that I think we all struggle with at some point in our lives. To paraphrase her, “How do you maintain your good vibes philosophy around people you can’t stand?” Here is a basic challenge of life. Even while we are doing the best to live an amazing life, there are those dedicated souls who work tirelessly to do their best to make sure that doesn’t happen. Their motives differ, but they are a pain just the same.
How do we deal with these people? How can we mitigate the influx of negative vibes that are often thrown our way, without throwing a punch or a sarcastic reply in return? Trust me when I tell you that I get this. I work with some fairly difficult people. There are some in my family. I am sure that I am the difficult person for others sometimes as well. The best option, if you are able, is to eliminate or limit your exposure to these people as much as you can. Nothing is worth the price of your peace. Sometimes, this isn’t an option. You have to deal with your judgmental in-laws because you love your spouse. The office won’t move Jane to another shift because she is such a Debby Downer, or get rid of John because he is a proper ass to everyone. What do you do then?
The second type of gratitude you can develop is almost comical. You hire these people. Not in a literal sense. Let me explain. Have you ever had a personal trainer? It is someone you pay to push your physical limits. At the end of every workout, you might be thinking to yourself, or out loud, “I pay you to make me feel like this?” However, a month later when you look in the mirror and see the results you are starting to experience, you feel a debt of gratitude. You are going to do the same with our negative friends. You are going to hire them as your personal emotional trainer. Let us face it, they do try our patience so they are making our patience muscles stronger. Struggling not to have an emotional meltdown when dealing with them? That is the emotional equivalent of your trainer at the gym yelling, “One more!” Except in this case it is usually one more stupid thing our friends have said or done. There is one very negative lady at my work. When she begins her monologue of what is wrong with our work place, the world and even on several occasions my lunch, I just look at her and think, “You don’t even realize that you are helping to make me a stronger and more resilient version of myself, do you?” Sometimes this even elicits a chuckle as I am thinking this to myself. By testing our optimism, our temper or our patience, these people are helping us work out our emotional muscles. Just like the trainer at the gym, we may question them in the moment, but a year down the road and we will thank them as we find ourselves more peaceful, patient and better able to keep our optimism.
The third suggestion I gave this young lady might be a little uncomfortable for some, but it often works when others fail. It works especially well on people who work on themselves to create the best life they can have. Like, a 3 time author who writes a self-improvement blog for an example. The third way to keep an optimistic attitude around people who seem to suck our soul is to call ourselves out. What do I mean by this? Ask ourselves some very difficult, but very empowering questions. Ask yourself, “If you are going to work so hard on every aspect of your life only to let Jane the soul sucker ruin your day?” or “Is your well-being and peace of mind so cheap that you would hand it over control of it to John, the jerk of the office?” One man put it very succinctly, albeit in rather colorful language, when he said, “I will not be their bitch.” Meaning, he would not allow others to dictate his well-being. This takes practice and a lot of patience. You may not succeed at first, but once you do, it is so worth it. As a bonus tool of empowerment, I find listening to the track “Ain’t my bitch” by the band Metallica can really pump you up.
Challenging and negative people are a fact of life. They can be found almost everywhere. These 3 tools will help us deal with them without sacrificing our peace of mind. If you have any secrets to an amazing life that you use in dealing with someone who gets under your skin, please share. The more tools we have in this area, the better!
SECRET 2 AN AMAZING LIFE 