I DON’T NEED SELF HELP!

I really dislike the term self-help. To me it always sounded as if something was wrong with the person. Then again, the word ‘help’ has a bad reputation. Especially for men help seems to be associated with being weak. Personally I do not see it that way. One thing admitting you could use a little help in a certain area shows you trust the people you are sharing that information with. It also shows a true desire to better one’s self. Both of those I find to be admirable qualities.

Another aspect of working to improve yourself is that you are growing. Without growth we are left with a feeling of discontent. One of the best ways to be happy with yourself is to progress in respect to any goal you are working on. In short – progress equals happiness.

If there is a certain area you are not particularly strong in that does not mean you are weak as a person. On the contrary, recognizing the fact that there is an area you could improve on and working to do just that takes a great amount of courage. Looking for self-help, or as I prefer to say self-improvement does not mean you are bad at something it just means you are trying to get better.

As we are working at these goals it is also important to remember our strengths. Everybody is good at some things and not at others. My lady can create amazing cakes, I cannot. I have a better grasp of history than she. Does that make either one of us less than the other? Not at all. Last post I quoted the great scientist Albert Einstein. I am going to do so here again. “Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.” This quote may sound silly, but it is as true with humans as it is in fish.

As we continue in the season of spring which is often associated with rebirth and renewal, allow yourself to be reborn. Grow your strengths and acknowledge your weaknesses. Ask for help when you need and don’t feel ashamed. Here is one more thing to keep in mind as you do ask for help. How do you feel when you are able to help someone? If you are a person who reads a blog like this, I imagine you feel quite good. When you don’t ask for help from someone who cares about you think of the good feeling you are depriving them of.

Feel free to share the ways you are working to improve yourself in the comments below. I wish you the greatest fortune in all your endeavors.

WHAT WE CAN LEARN FROM THE FARM

My grandfather was a farmer. I used to pass farms on the way to work when i was a postmaster. There is a great skill I have learned from the farming life even though I myself struggle to keep houseplants alive. That skill is patience.

Here is what farming has taught me. When a farmer plants a seed in the ground and waters it he does not come back the next day expecting a crop. In fact, he will go out every day to continue to water and fertilize that seed with little or no result to show for it. When the plant pokes through the ground he also does not expect to harvest right then and there. He nurtures that plant. He protects it from being attacked by outside forces such as insects and fungus. He continues to water and work with the plant as it grows. Finally when harvest time comes he knows just the right way to harvest the plant for Maximum return. Even after the harvest is over the farmer realizes that one year will not sustain him and his family and begins to think about the following years planting. He begins to prepare the soil for the winter and store crops to last during those cold months.

What does all this have to do with anything other than farming? A lot of us when working on a goal whether that be losing weight, or starting a business have a tendency to give up way to soon. We, in essence, put the seed in the ground and come back the next day looking to harvest. Some of us even look at the ground after a few days and think “when I see a plant I’ll go back to watering”. Meaning if we do not see any results on our goal we stop putting forth the effort. Much like in the farming example, if we stop ‘watering’ our goals they will never grow.

There is also the temptation to want to harvest to soon. Just like the farmer who finally sees a plant begin to sprout after weeks of waiting and working, as we see our goals begin to manifest we may be tempted to want to stop working and look at what we can get from all that effort we have put forth. Of course if we do this again, the plant will not bear all the fruit it can and we will not receive all of the benefits we could. By knowing that we still have to nurture our success and build it up as it continues to grow we will resist the temptation to harvest too soon.

When time to harvest the fruits of our goals we will do so in the manor that allows us to get the most out of them. Just like the farmer harvesting enough that it will allow the plant to continue to grow as long as it can. Also like the farmer we should begin to think about the future. Storing the rewards from our harvest and beginning to ‘prepare the soil’ for next years crop. In other words, know that one success will not last a lifetime. It is progress that creates a sense of happiness and fulfillment in each of us. Let us look forward to our next great adventure and our next crop we must plant.

So when it seems as if you have been working towards a goal and you have not seen any results, think of that famer watering that seed for weeks without seeing any result. We never know what is happening ‘underneath the ground’. When we start to see our goals begin to manifest let us resist the temptation to stop working. Just as if the farmer stopped watering the plant once it broke the soil it would still die. Let us also harvest smart, knowing we must sustain ourselves for when the hard times or the ‘winter’ of our lives comes.

So enjoy this lesson from the farm. Maybe even plant a garden this spring and let it serve as a reminder of all these valuable lessons.

NEVER TELL YOURSELF YOU CAN’T DO IT!

This is a picture of my lady and I before a charity run we did recently. It is before we ran as if I shared the one after it may not be safe for me to come home. There are many things about doing a charity run/walk that lead to an amazing life. You take good care of your body, you help a good cause and you meet other souls doing the same thing.

In this post we are going to discuss another important aspect and gift we both received from this event. First let me inform you it was hot…very hot out. Second it involves a distance of over 3 miles. Leading up to this event both of us had our doubts. My lady especially had been through some personal challenges and was not able to train as much as she would have liked. She even mentioned that she was not 100% confident she would make it. That wasn’t her exact words as they tend to be a little more dramatic. I swear she is going to be the next author in our household.

So what was the gift? The gift was the challenge itself. As we both made our way through the course watching others go by, and the heat refusing to do the same another partner joined us on the course. That partner’s name was doubt. Voices in our heads told us how hot it was out, how people would understand if we bowed out. It is funny how when your body is preoccupied with pain and suffering your mind is free to come up with all kinds of things. Keeping the demons at bay when trying to suck in hot and humid air is a very unique challenge.

Crossing the finish line was a victory on many fronts. Testing yourself to limits both physically and mentally draws strength out you in ways nothing else can. The feeling you get when you finish knowing you shut those voices up, when you overcome physical challenges you own your body, you own your mind. Next time those voices come up you know you can tell them to sit down and shut up. You know you can accomplish more than you know so test yourself today!

Feel free to share your ideas for testing yourself in the comments below and feel free to share this post as well.

HOW TO BE A SUCCESS EVERY DAY!

I love this quote because it reminds me of something I often forget. A lot of us, myself included, are focused on becoming a success. Personally, I am always focused on reaching more people. This could be how can I have more people attend my seminars, how can I get my book in the hands of more people. Even while I am DJing or bartending I am focused on how to reach more people and inspire them and bring them joy.

This in itself is not a bad thing, but we must remember that true success, like abundance should be felt in every area of our lives. We need to pay as much attention to our personal goals as well as our professional goals. Are you wanting to be the best parent? The best spouse? Perhaps you are looking to become healthier? A better listener? A better communicator? Success takes work in a lot of areas in life.

This may seem like a lot to work on, but that is only half true. What do I mean by this? There are so many opportunities to achieve success. How does that translate to an effective life strategy? Simple, every day you have a chance to be a success. Maybe you were not number one on the bestseller list, but you really made your wife feel loved. You are a success. Maybe you ruined the diet you have been doing good on, but you taught your children a very important lesson.

What this all means is every day there are so many ways to succeed and so many things to feel grateful for. So let us all notice what we can improve on, but let us focus on what we succeed at. It will not only keep us wanting to do more of that, but also make us feel very good about ourselves and what we do for the world.

LEAVE THE GOOD FOR THE GREAT

Here is a sign that appeared for my last day bartending. A lot of people asked the reason I left bartending at The Hideout. That was a very good question. I loved most of my customers. The owner and I had a great working relationship. It was a lot of fun. I made decent money. So why leave? Sounds like a great gig. Well, I asked myself “Neil, where do you want to be in 5 years?” the answer was not behind a bar. My desire is to be touching people and changing and making a positive difference in their lives on a grand scale. Bartending has been great for me. I have met a lot of wonderful people and received some amazing advice.

One day I realized in order to fulfill my life’s goals of being a full-time author and motivational speaker I would need to dedicate more time to my craft. I also wanted to grow my following for this site. I would need more time to create content as well as promote. I looked at my life. I work 30+ hours a week at the post office which I wanted to keep for benefits. I DJ 8+ hours a week, which is great time I get to enjoy the love of my life as we run the show together. I also bartend 16+ hours a week. Although I love bartending my nights had become filled with a lot of stress as well. Sure the money was great, but there was the drama of people not getting along, friends always asking for or even expecting things for free which got old really quick. Not to mention although we worked in the same place, time away from the love of my life. Some days the only things we seemed to say to each other were “good morning” and “goodnight”. therefore I made the decision to focus on my future. Sure my present did take a hit. I gave up a lot of my income and something I was really good at. I still hear “we miss you behind the bar” which does make me feel good. Now, I may not be able to afford the nice things I was buying. I must keep a closer eye on my finances, but my life is filled with passion and excitement for the future. My website is not only up to date, but growing in following. Still feel free to share this site with all of your friends though.

What is the point of this post? Simply this, bartending was something I was good at, it was fun and I made good money doing it. What it was not was my passion and my future. As of right now my next book is still being written and money is not rolling in. What is rolling in is a feeling of getting closer to my goals and making money doing what I love. In fact, I have set a goal of retiring from the post office in two years or less. I know the more I write, the better I will become. I try to learn everyday about marketing myself and growing my brand. It is exciting, but scary at the same time. Most importantly, it is my dream. I was a good bartender, but I aim to be a great author and bring joy and positivity to people across the globe. Feel free to help by sharing this website as well as my book A Happy Life for Busy People with anyone you think could benefit from a little more joy in their lives.

Here is the takeaway. Do not be afraid to give up the good to go for the great. If you have a dream, chase it. Better yet catch it! Do what you love. Take risks, have fun and keep your face to the sunshine!

TAKE IT TO THE LIMIT

This is me passing by a physique competition at the Wisconsin state fair. Ironically this is probably the closest I will get to being in one of these. Which is ok because it allows me to eat pizza and hot Wisconsin cheese.

Here is what occurred to me as I was passing by. These gentleman have dedicated countless hours of their days, for years perfecting there bodies. The people in the audience were there to reward them by appreciating there in efforts in one for or another. In addition there was monetary awards to be handed out. There were, I would guess, a few hundred people cheering them on. With such sacrifice this was well deserved.

This had me thinking, for those of us who dedicate years of our lives to pushing our emotional and spiritual development to the limit where is the show for that? Certainly you could share that development with the world in the form of a book, eBook or something else tangible and receive an award for that. Most of us, however, are not doing such things for rewards. Still it is important to know the human mind works harder with positive reinforcement than without it. So find a way to reward yourself for your inner development as well. Also understand that sometimes you may falter. If one of the men above does not work out for a day, or eats poorly they understand they are human. They work twice as hard the next day and just keep at it. So must you. If you slip up and find yourself getting angry, or acting harshly toward others remember we are all human. Enlightened or not. If you make a mistake in your emotional or spiritual development, do what the body builders do, work twice as hard the next day.

One other thing to keep in mind. To see these results these men worked for hours for days on end for years at a time. Quite often the same is required of us in the inner realm as well. If you do not see results right away understand it takes time, often years to fully develop. Work hard knowing the results will show themselves in time. Also make sure you reward yourself for the small victories along the way. This will keep you motivated and moving in the right direction.

CEMENT BEAR

Note this very scary picture above. Are you puzzled as to what is so frightening about an ordinary drinking fountain? On the surface, in the light nothing. When you can walk up, push the button and get water not even a child would have fear of such an object. Normally such things do not scare me as well. Aside from clowns, which I am not to crazy about, I generally do not fear much. Let me share a story with you where that wasn’t the case.

One day I was camping and while setting up my tent the park ranger came by to warn of some serious problems with black bears in the area. Now let me begin by saying bears are one of my favorite animals and even my nickname. So nothing that I would normally fear. The ranger, however, was telling us that the bears had been unusually aggressive that year especially when people had food or smelled like food. I took note and made sure I had plenty of firewood to keep that going all night as well. No sooner did I get my tent set up then the rain came in. So hard I ended up sleeping in my car and not said tent anyway. It rained through most of the afternoon as well as the evening. I had fallen asleep to the sound of rain on the roof of the car which is rather soothing. I woke up somewhere around midnight with a strong urge to return all of the water I had consumed to prepare for the hike that never occurred. the good news is that is was not raining anymore, the bad news was because this was some place remote and it was late at night, there was nothing open and the only bathrooms available were the not so clean camp bathrooms that were a short distance up a walking path that was not well lit at all. When nature calls, however, we must answer. So I grabbed my flashlight and half awake I began to walk. Upon cresting the hill I froze. There, at the top of the hill right in front of me I could see the silhouette of a black bear! I could see his muzzle, his ear sticking up. I recalled how I must smell like the campfire I had cooked over. I waited nervously and waited for the bear to make its’ move. I waited for what seemed like an eternity. No such move came. Finally I slowly had the courage to raise my flashlight. What I saw was amazing. The muzzle slowly turned into a bowl with a button on the side. That ear sticking up? The very top of….yes, you guessed it, a drinking fountain. Oh come on, look at the picture can’t you see it?

Even if you think I am nuts, which on occasion I may be the first to agree with, what is the purpose of our story here today? Other than camping with Neil can be a comical affair. This is the point. After hearing the ranger’s words of warning I had been on the lookout for bears. Every sound became a bear waiting to pounce. Even a drinking fountain almost caused me to not quite make it to the rest room. which I did, but it is really hard to walk and laugh out loud at yourself while you really have to go to the bathroom. Here is my point. At sometime in our life I think all of us had a cement bear. If we go into situations with a fear, or worse yet, some sort of prejudice, quite often we will trap ourselves into two different outcomes. One, it will be a dooming self-fulfilling prophecy or two, we may see things not as they exactly are. When you find yourself looking a bad situation in the eye, ask yourself is this really something to fear or hate or is it simply a cement bear? If you are not sure, shine your flashlight on the situation. learn as much as you can and quite often you may discover it is no scarier than a drinking fountain. Every time I see one of these now I laugh and recall how I let my fears and expectations turn something so harmless into one of north Americas largest predators. Do yourself a favor, be on the lookout for cement bears.

AN IMPORTANT ADDITION

Back to the discussion of my lady and I, seen in the picture above and what makes us such a strong and great couple. There is one essential element all good relationships need, and that is humor. Now whether your partner is more Jim Carey or Steven Wright does not matter. We all have our own version of humor and so does our partner. Understanding and appreciating that humor can be a great gain in any relationship, but especially in romantic ones. Quite often a humorous memory can soften the blow, or even help bring you back to love when a challenge or misunderstanding arises. So build humorous memories with your friends and loved ones. Taking pictures of them can add something special and help the memory last.
My only warning here is never to use humor at the expense of your partner. This can lead to resentment and a bad memory. Also avoid humor at the expense of others. Your partner may start to wonder what you say about them when they are not around. It also puts you in a negative light and opens the door to gossip which we discussed in the previous post.
So today’s homework, find ways to make your partner laugh and smile that will also bring you closer. Capture that humor anyway you can to use when needed.

SENSE OF PURPOSE

It has been mentioned in this blog how important a sense of purpose is for attaining goals and living an amazing life. For without a destination even the most detailed map will be useless. Even without a map, if you know where you are going and pay attention to whether you are getting closer or not and keep trying you will eventually get there. All of these facts hold just as true in your relationships. We are focusing on intimate relationships, but this can go for any type of relationship you can think of.

So what is the purpose of your relationship? It is a question many of us may have never thought of. Perhaps you are saying “My relationship doesn’t really have a purpose. I just want to enjoy it” That is fine, and you should enjoy your relationship to the fullest. However, having an individual and joint goals within your relationship will add another dimension of closeness. You don’t have to solve the world’s problems, or run for the highest office together. Still defining goals that you can accomplish both on your end and working together can develop an additional bond that can turn a good relationship great. So what are some examples of both individual and couple oriented goals? Let us look at the individual side first. What goals do you have to bring to your partner? Notice I said bring to your partner. You should focus solely on what you can bring to the relationship. Often times if you notice your partner has a particular challenge perhaps offering some encouragement in that area would be helpful. I suggest writing a few things down. There is something about seeing things in black and white that helps remind us and stay focused. One of the things that should always make it to your list is making your partner feeling attractive. We touched on the benefits that this can bring to your relationship. Ask yourself “What have I done to make my partner know how attractive they are to me?”. Did you make them your screen saver on your cell phone or computer? Did you mention to them that you have a picture of them on your desk or in your locker at work? Did you simply tell them how beautiful or handsome they look that day? This idea, if done with sincerity, cannot be overdone. Think of how you feel when someone tells you that you look nice? Wouldn’t you want to give that feeling to the one you love? You can even turn it into a fun game trying to come up with new and creative ways to show your partner how enamored you are with their appearance. This is made much easier if you are fortunate enough to have a creative partner. Which leads us to our next goal that should make any list, let your partner know what it is about them you enjoy. Is it the fact they are creative? Do you enjoy their laugh? Their view of the world? There are a million different things to enjoy about anyone and letting them know will only increase their love for you and your closeness with each other. There are other things you can add to your list. Make my partner laugh or smile is a good one. Help out a little more around the house is another that is always appreciated. You know your partner best so you know good goals to focus on. The key here is to write them down and review them at least once a week. You will see your relationship come alive.

So couples goals. What could they be? There are big things such as starting a business together, but that is not for every couple and can even have the potential for additional stress. So focus on what you and your partner both excel and are good at. Do you both like frozen yogurt? Perhaps you could start an online blog about great frozen yogurt places you have visited. My personal favorite is finding ways that both you are your partner can work together to help others. Could you help out once a month at a homeless shelter? Could you have an online forum that helps people who are feeling down? To simply noticing people who you come into contact with who have lost their smile and working together to bring it back. Quite often individual goals can also turn into couples goals. Does your partner have a hobby or business of their own? Helping them in whatever way you can could not only be a personal goal but also lead you to experiencing a great moment and sense of accomplishment as a couple.

So decide what your purpose of your relationship is. Decide what you can do both as an individual and as a couple. Write it down and begin to act on it today. You will be amazed at the miracles that will happen!

THE KEY TO ATTRACTION

“That which is Loved is always beautiful”

Norwegian Proverb

Here is a common theme in relationships. You meet someone new and they just start that fire burning deep within. Your amorous feelings can’t be contained. Their kisses are like a drug you become addicted to. Every second you see them thoughts of passion race through your mind and your body. You can wait to wrap your arms around them, and to hold and kiss them. Making love to them is like your own reoccurring fantasy.

Fast forward five or even ten years. This same person may have gained a few pounds. You have seen them first thing in the morning a hundred times. You have seen them sick and perhaps after one to many cocktails. Perhaps their beauty has just become common place to you. Suddenly you find yourself in an odd situation. You love this person with all your heart, but somehow those carnal, lustful thoughts have either become extremely rare or worse seemed to disappear altogether. There is a saying “That which is familiar we take for granted” Maybe even seeing the same beautiful person day after day has you numb to their true attraction. So how do we get those feelings back? How do we fall back in lust with our own partner? The simple answer to this is to fall back in love with them. Now before you say “Neil that is just some crazy romantic nonsense you are spreading. I do love my partner I just don’t find them as attractive anymore” Well, let us look at another secret passion thief, resentment. In addition to seeing each others worst physical sides often people tend to remember a lot of the not so pleasant emotional sides of the dream person you are with. That is only natural. The brain tends to remember events that are linked to powerful emotions. What is more powerful than having your feeling hurt by your partner? Well, if you have followed the exercises leading up to this point you are well on your way to healing a good deal of those bad memories.

So the question remains, what can we do to rekindle the passion we had when we first met the love of our lives. Well it is honest best not to lose it in the first place. Lot’s of very loving and well-meaning couples end up as friends or even roommates after several years because they did not nurture the passion in their relationship. There are several ideas on how to achieve this and I encourage some self-study outside of this blog which usually ends up to be a fun time anyway. Here I will give you some of the best I have picked up from the experts in this field and from the mistakes I have made and lessons I have learned. First thing you need to know is you should never stop charming your partner. Lots of couples and in general it tends to be mostly the men, although women can certainly be guilty of this too, assume once they have won the heart and soul of their lover the deed is done. That is the furthest thing from the truth. I relate it to getting in the best shape of your life and then you stop paying attention to your body. Eventually you will end up out of shape and having to start all over again. The good news is that much like your body, you can start over in your relationship and work your way back to the top. Making your partner feel loved and desired seems to be easy in the beginning but fall further down the ladder as the years go by. Here is the sad truth. First, that is the opposite of how it should be. Love is fun in the beginning. Everything is new and fresh. Your partner has not gotten on your nerves yet. As the years go by make no mistake you become equally as unattractive to your partner so keeping their feelings high will help both of you as well. Here is the good news. As the years go by you have more information and experiences to build on. You know more of what your partner likes, more of what makes them feel attractive. Use that to your advantage.

Another simple and fun thing you can do that will not only make your partner more attractive to you, but will also make them more attracted to you is focus. Now normally focus does not sound like the sexiest of all the words, but let me assure you it can be. A wonderful person made me something with the word focus as the center piece. It has not only done wonders with my writing, but also with many areas of life, relationships included. You know well if you read my blog with any regularity that what we focus on we tend to multiply and intensify. Why not focus on what you find attractive about your partner? Do their eyes sparkle like diamonds when they are happy? Does their whole face light up when they smile? Do you even find it cute when they spill ice cream on the front of their shirt? Whatever it is pay attention to it. Now here is the key, say it out loud. Let your partner know. Write it in a card. Leave a voicemail letting them know. Call them on lunch just to tell them. This accomplishes two things. One, you get into the habit of looking for things you find attractive in your partner. Two, saying they are beautiful, handsome or whatever word you care to use will get your mind in the habit of associating the two. Three, after an initial skepticism and thinking you have either done something terribly wrong or have the urge to do so, your partner will start to associate you with the good feelings they get from hearing how attractive they are. Let’s be honest who doesn’t like to feel desired. The key here is to find a mix of both physical and emotional things you find attractive about your partner. The more emotion behind it the better. Have fun with it.

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