Tag: emotions

THEY ARE BOTH AVAILABLE. WHICH ONE WILL YOU CHOOSE?🤔

Here is a point that I have made over and over again. What is right is always available to focus on. Why do more people not do that? Because what is wrong is also available to focus on. I do not have to tell you which one is presented to us more often. That is why both an optimist and a pessimist are equally right when it comes to life. The glass is both half-full as well as half-empty. If this is true, than what does it matter? It matters due to the distinct difference in emotional state that each perception has. Why is emotional state so important? In life, it is the determining factor! It is not money that decides the quality of life. If that were the case, no wealthy people would ever suffer any forms of anxiety or depression. We know that is the case. On the flip side, no poor people would ever be happy. We also know this is not the case.

If it is not finances that determine the quality of life, it must be health right? Having good health plays a big role in our emotional well-being and that is why it is so important to take control of our health and to do what we can to increase the quality of our health. That being said, it is not the determining factor in our emotional well-being. If that were the case, no sick people would ever be happy and no healthy people would ever be sad. In fact, our emotional state can play an important role in our physical healing. When we are in a good emotional place, our immune system is stronger and we are more likely to take actions that will lead to healthier outcomes. Negative emotions, on the other hand, will lower our immune response and can often generate physical ailments in the body. Have you ever worried yourself to a sick stomach? Ever gotten so angry that your blood pressure went through the roof? Imagine what would happen if we continued these emotional states chronically?

We have all heard the saying, “Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how you react to it.” The secret to our emotional state is focus and meaning. What we choose to focus on, and what we decide it means. Let us take the most difficult situation any of us can face; losing someone we love. We are going to experience the most terrible emotional pain. That is what happens. With great love we suffer great loss. What will we do with that pain? What will we decide that pain means? Does it mean that God does not love us and our life will be filled with pain? If that is what we decide, then yes. If we decide that it is a reminder of how much we can love and how important it is to cherish and create memories with those we love, than yes, that is what it will mean.

Please do not misunderstand me. I am not trying to minimize the pain of losing someone you love. Whenever you remember them, there will be feelings of loss and sorrow. It is what we do with those feelings that matter. It can serve as a great reminder to communicate with those who are close to the end or facing some serious medical challenges. It can also be a great reminder to create memories with those who are still with us, as life can change in a second.

Tough times and tough situations are never fun. Just remember, in every life there is plenty of good to focus on. This does not mean being ignorant to that which is less than ideal, but to perhaps reframe it so we can put it to use for us instead of allowing it to use us.

STAY IN CONTROL😎

The Marx Brothers are one of my favorite comedy groups to watch. This band of brothers always had a million laughs a minute. Often, it takes watching their movies 3 or 4 times to catch all of the humor. This quote from the leader of the merry bunch really had me thinking. A few posts ago, we spoke about how to maintain your positive vibes around people that are difficult to get along with. If you haven’t read that one yet, I highly recommend you go back and do so. Yet, there are more than just negative people that can get you down. We are going to talk about how to deal with many different challenges today. Oddly enough, they all have a very similar solution.

Groucho lets us in on a key aspect to remaining happy – control. When we let someone, as we discussed in the post previously mentioned, or something get us sad, upset or any other emotion we do not wish to feel, we are giving that person or thing control over us. We are giving that person or thing the ability to dictate to us our own emotional well-being. If we stop and think about this, it is very easy to understand emotionally. In practice, however, it can be quite difficult to manage emotionally. We get upset. We get down and sometimes end up in a sort of emotional funk. It happens to me. It happens to all of us. The secret to an amazing life is not to expect to eliminate these experiences all together. We are human and on occasion our emotions will get the best of us. I still get in a funk. This time of year, with the cold weather and lack of sunshine, it is always a possibility. The secret to living an amazing life is to reduce both the frequency that these moments occur as well as their intensity.

Above is another powerful thought. Happiness is a choice. It is not always an easy end, but in order to get to that end, we have to chose to make that our destination. I opened my very first book, A Happy Life for Busy People, with this quote from Abraham Lincoln, “People are about as happy as they make their minds up to be.” If you decide that a happy life is important to you, settling for anything less will not do. True, you will still get down as we discussed, but when you are feeling that way, you will still know that happiness is where you are determined to be. Noticed I said determined not would like to be, or prefer to be. What do we do when we are determined to live in a state of happiness and inner peace and the world seems to have the exact opposite idea? We get to work!

Another great quote from Mr. Lincoln. If we are responsible for our own happiness, and we want to be in control of our own emotional well-being, what do we do when things get us down? That is a great question. I recommend starting by appreciating what those feelings are telling us. There are often great lessons to be learned in times of pain. If all we do is try to ‘deny’ our own emotions, not only will we miss the great lessons we could learn from them, but they are likely to return with a vengeance. If you are feeling sad, angry, lost, lonely or any other emotion, my first suggestion is to ask yourself why you are feeling that way. Let us say you are reeling from the loss of a loved one. You should not admonish yourself for feeling bad. Losing someone you care about can be one of the most difficult things we experience. Realize that in order to feel great loss, we must have been fortunate to feel great love. That is a blessing that not everyone has. We also had the great opportunity to share many amazing memories with that person. Our life, and our heart, will forever have a hole where that person used to be.

Now, after we have honored and discovered our emotions, which can take as long as we need it to, it is time to get to work. Begin by asking ourselves what the lesson we can get from life in regards to this tragic event. Could it be to make sure we treasure every moment with people we have in our lives? It could be that we need to take more pictures, make more memories and share more with each other while we can. How about to live and love without regret? After we have mined our negative emotions for the lessons they can teach us, it is time to put those lessons into action. Reach out to someone we have been meaning to. Plan and create memories with those we love. Make sure we are not so busy earning a living that we forget to create a life. As we take these actions, we can feel grateful for the lessons and reminders that the negative emotions have given us. That can take some time, but in the end, I think we can honestly come to terms with them.

In order to return our heart to a state of inner peace and joy, it make take utilizing some other tools. Many of these can be found in my second book, Living the Dream, but we are going to mention a few here. You could get together with family or friends to watch a funny movie (like the Marx brothers), we could listen to songs off our happy playlist. We can spend some time in one of our favorite spots in nature. I cannot stress enough how creating a list of things that bring us joy BEFORE we experience an emotional challenge is so important. When we find ourselves in a negative state, it can be next to impossible to think of things that bring us joy. I am sure you can all relate. Having such a list handy can literally be a life-saver in some cases.

We used the example of losing a loved one in this post because that is about the most difficult situation any of us can face. The same strategy can work if we are facing the end of a job, the end of a relationship or even just a morning commute filled with drivers who seem to being ‘using the force’ instead of watching the road. Discovering the true source and reason for our emotions, finding the lessons contained within them and then taking actions to learn from them and return our hearts to joy will work in all of these. It will also allow US to have control over OUR emotions instead of putting the key to them in someone else’s pocket. Do you want to have control over your own happiness, or would you rather let someone else control you?

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YOU CANNOT SUFFER

This is a powerful concept that is easier said than done. However, realizing this point may help us a great deal. I know many people, myself included, that can be paralyzed to inaction by memories of the past or worries of the future. Having this quote printed out may do a great deal to help us move forward. Although the past can really cause us a great deal of pain, realizing that it is not the actual event that happened that is causing us pain, but our memory of it, may aid us in understanding how to heal that pain and move forward. After all, we cannot go back in time and change events, but we can work on a change in perspective or thinking moving forward. We may need help of a good friend or therapist to do this, but it can be done.

The same holds true with any worry we have of the future. The best thing we can do is take action to prepare for the future. Beyond that, there is not much we can do. I once heard a saying that said, “Worrying is like riding an exercise bike; you get really tired, but you do not actually go anywhere.” Use any apprehension you may have for future events to motivate you to take action in the present. When you have done all that you can do, relax knowing that you have given it your best and you will take further action as the future reveals itself.

By understanding that it is not actually the past or the future that is causing us pain, but our thinking about it, will allow us to put our effort where it will do the most good – between our own two ears. This is a simple concept, but one that may not always be easy. If we remember to focus on our own thinking, we can work through an issues we may be having. Whether this requires time alone in meditation or the help of a friend or professional, it can be done.

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YOU ARE JUST LIKE THEM!

Here is a good thought to remember- hurting people back makes you just like them. This can be difficult to remember in the middle of an emotional situation when all you want to do is see the other party hurting just as bad as their actions hurt you.

If we are being honest, not only is that becoming just like them, it is the lowest course of action we could take. Giving into our emotions and reacting makes us a slave to both our emotions and the other person’s actions. If we take a breath, and a moment to ourselves, until we are able to respond, then we can make the choices and take the actions that are best for the situation.

It also keeps the door open for the future of the relationship. Reducing the amount of hurt and terrible things done or said,in any relationship, increases the likelihood that relationship will continue.

Next time someone gets you upset, before you react, and hurt them, ask yourself if you are going to be a slave to your emotions and let them control you. Instead, take a moment and respond. That way you are in control. Not the other person’s actions. Not your emotions. You are in control. It will only benefit your relationships in the long term.

1 THING THAT IS NOT HEALTHY

The art of conveying our emotions in a healthy way can be a tricky thing. To make sure that your feelings are heard while giving proper respect to others can be a difficult thing. It is also an ongoing lesson. It is not something we get right once and never have to worry about again. You could have a healthy discussion one day and the next make a bad situation worse by saying something the wrong way.

This fear can lead many people to do something even worse – hold everything inside. This can not only lead to a great deal of misunderstanding, as you can imagine, but also lead to a great deal of hurt and resentment.

These emotions are not only felt by those holding everything in,but by those in their lives. Let us say that you are deeply hurt by something your friend has told you but you don’t want to start a disagreement so you don’t say anything. This friend may continue to say this thing again and again. This can cause you to resent your friend. There you are feeling hurt and resentful.

It goes a level deeper. Should you true feelings come out, be it in a fit of rage or some other way, your friend will feel bad that they were hurting you all this time without knowing. They may even resent the fact you did not let them know what they were saying hurt you. There they are feeling hurt and resentful.

Lastly, holding your hurt and pain inside can cause a lifetime of physical and emotional pain. What the stress of repressed emotions does to the body can lead to issues such as heart disease, ulcers and other lifestyle driven conditions. It can also leave a trail of broken hearts and ruined friendships.

If you have issues trapped inside of you, invest in learning how to express them in a healthy manner. While you are learning these skills it may benefit you to share them with a professional such as a life coach or therapist. They can also help you find healthy ways to deal with these emotions.

However you choose to share your emotions, whether that is learning to do so or with a professional, make sure you do so. Because keeping your feelings inside makes as much sense as farting in a wetsuit and can be a lot more harmful.

IT CANNOT BE UNDONE

I like this picture for what it shows us. I have always said Never make a permanent decision based on a temporary emotion. We can become angry, upset and frustrated. When we are in this state the way we see the world and others in it can change. It is important to allow ourselves time to cool down and make decisions with a clear mind and a clear heart.

Words that we say can cause a lifetime of hurt, even if apologized for later. We can cause someone to have fear and a complex for the rest of our lives because we let our emotions get the best of us. We can forever change the way they look and feel towards us for letting our tongue get ahead of our head. It may feel like the right thing to do at the time, but do yourself a favor and Never make a permanent decision based on a temporary emotion.  

THE MAGIC FORMULA

Half of my time engaged in my writing career includes observing the ideas of others. After all, finding ways to live a positive rewarding life should include as many successful resources as possible. Today’s post was learned watching a talk given by Jack Canfield, one of the authors of the Chicken Soup for the Soul series. Jack was speaking about his great book The Success Principles. One of the things he mentioned that really grabbed my attention was a formula you can use to determine and control the success and joy experienced in your life.

A formula for figuring out life? If you are picturing a chalkboard full of equations do not worry. This formula only has three parts and can be used by everyone. The beautiful thing about researching is that a great deal of the information you come across is very similar. The unique thing is how it is presented. This formula is such an example. It can be difficult or at the very least not very motivating to try and remember some esoteric phrase or cliché quote. A formula is simple and easy to adjust. Let us take a quick look at the formula and discuss how we can use it to change our life and the level of joy we experience in it.

E (Event) + R (Response) = O (Outcome)

Using a math comparison let us say this equation is 2 + 2 = 4. Sounds pretty simple, does it not? The first part of the equation – Event – we often to not have control over. It is like the first number ‘2’ in our example. Let us say we are not thrilled with the outcomes in areas of our lives. That would be the ‘4’ in our example. If we have no control over the first ‘2’ and we are not happy with ‘4’ as the outcome, we must change the second ‘2’. This is also known as our response. This we have complete control over. It may not be easy, but when we learn to control our response to any event it will change our outcomes. This will change our life and the amount of joy in it. I suggest printing or writing this formula somewhere you see it every day.

Let us take this one step further. In our equation let us use negative numbers to represent negative aspects. If the first number or the first ‘2’ is negative, that is a negative event. These often happen to us and again are beyond our control. We get fired, the love of our life finds they love someone else or a million other situations can happen. We have the choice of not responding, or making the second ‘2’ a ‘0’, that leaves the situation equally as negative as when we began. We can also respond with negativity. This could range from anger, sadness, revenge and depending on the severity could be anything from a ‘-1’ to a ‘-100’. The great the number behind the negative sign, in other words the more negative our response, the more negative the outcome will be.

On the other hand, we could also respond positively. Perhaps the situation was mildly negative, like a long wait in line at the store. We will say this is a ‘-1’. We could use this time to send our spouse a text message letting them know how much we love them and how proud we are to be with them. That would be a positive response to the situation. We could say this response was a ‘+3’. -1 +3 = 2. The situation could still turn out positive by the time we get home. Our spouse could be filled with love and gratitude for our gesture. If, on the other hand, we spend our time thinking about how much this is an inconvenience on our day and get ourselves all worked up we would be having a negative response. We will say this is a ‘-3’. Again, that would depend on the level of anger. Now our formula looks like this -1 + -3 = -4. We have taken a bad situation and made the outcome even more negative. What could this mean? Perhaps we treat the cashier harshly, or come home to our spouse in a bad mood and jeopardize the chance for a romantic evening.

If we are dealt a terribly negative situation, say a ‘-10’. Let use our lover leaving us for this example. It was beyond our control. We have already seen by responding negatively, such as spreading bad gossip about them or trying to do something vengeful, will only lead to a greater negative outcome. What if we can use this to our advantage? Perhaps we can learn lessons about modifying our own behavior for future spouses? Maybe we can take notes as to what type of people to avoid dating in the future? These positives could only amount to say a ‘+5’. Plugging that into our equation -10 + 5 = -5. You could see the situation may still suck, but not quite as bad. The ability to create the most positive responses can increase our ability to overcome, or at the very least lessen the effect, of the most negative situations.

Lastly, there is what to me is the most puzzling of all equations, but one I witness far too often. That is where we have a positive event. Let us say we get a raise which could be a ‘+4’. Again, the number could depend on the amount of the raise, how  bad we needed the raise or even how expected the raise was. A normal response would be joy or gratitude, let us say a +3. That equation would be 4 + 3 = 7. The outcome would be made even more positive by our response. There are those who do what I consider baffling. They receive their raise a +4 and instead of adding positivity to that event, do the very opposite. Perhaps they complain it wasn’t enough or how long it was overdue. They might even end up feeling dissatisfied or even angry with getting more money. This response could be anything from a ‘-4’ to perhaps a ‘-6’. Our equation now looks like this 4 + (-6) = -2. You can take a positive event and turn it into a negative outcome!

So, print out this equation and work on controlling your response. The more positive your responses, the more positive your outcomes will be. Lots of positive outcomes lead to a positive life. It will help us cope better with the negative and only intensify the positive!

HAVE YOU LOST THIS?


A study of children from 2 to 4 revealed 95% to be considered highly creative. This means these children are imaginative, innovative, they are curious and have tremendous capacity for abstract reasoning and for creating imaginative images. Those very same children were tested again at the age of 7. Only 4% were now considered creative. Between the ages of 4 and 7 children are repeated told things like “Make sure you only color between the lines.” “Don’t touch that!” “That is not the way you are supposed to do that.”
When I heard the numbers involved with this study I found it alarming, but not entirely shocking. Looking back on my formative years I can recall some of these same lessons. Without abstract thinking, however, most of the great solutions and leaps of growth would not have occurred. It is the ‘out of the box’ thinking that allows our scientists and entrepreneurs to bring some of the most wonderful things into the world
The wonderful news here is that creativity is not lost if you do not use it. What happens is that is becomes a latent talent, waiting to be dusted off and used again. Your creative muscles may have atrophied a bit, but fear not you can begin to strengthen them today. With the advent of things such as adult coloring groups, which I was just made aware they have at our local library, it is once again cool to be creative.
What is the big deal about being creative? It is really a two-fold win. First, it helps to create what scientists call brain plasticity. In layman’s terms, this means the ability for your brain to continue to grow. I do not think I need to go into much detail about why this is beneficial, but I will touch on a few of the big points. Exercising your brain in such a fashion can help keep degenerative brain diseases such as Alzheimer’s and dementia from gaining a foothold or at least slowing their advancement. It also leads to an increase in the ability of problem-solving. The applications for this is only as good as the areas of your life that have problems…that usually ends up being most of them.
An increased ability to solve problems and continued learning lead to our next benefit – increased self-confidence. Keeping your wits sharp will make you feel good about yourself. Tony Robbins, the famous life coach, said “It is progress that will lead to happiness.” If we think about that, isn’t it true? As we are working on and making progress towards a goal, isn’t that when we are happiest?
The final reason for being creative is equally important. IT IS FUN! As we grow older and take on additional responsibilities, it is the fun that often takes a back seat. That fun almost always includes the creative arts. This may stem from hearing “You can draw when your homework is done.” or “You will have time to play when your chores are done.” I can’t speak for all of you, but my chore list is often several days long. If I were to put off any creative or fun time until all of them were completed, my fun time would be far and few between.
Fortunately, the importance of play has come to the forefront once more. Those who have what we like to call a ‘work/life balance’ are often some of the most mentally and emotionally well-adjusted individuals. It is important to include some creative individuals in your inner circle. My beautiful lady, Margie, reminds me how important creativity is every day. I don’t know how she would test out in the well-adjusted scale, but I can tell you she has great taste in who she is dating.
If you don’t have creative friends in your circle, maybe you will have to take the lead and become one. Host an art night. Maybe form one of those adult coloring nights? Get a group together for one of those wine and painting nights. Margie and I host board game nights with friends that are not only creative, but always lots of fun. Your heart, your stress level and of course your brain will thank you.

IT’S ALL UP TO YOU

Building on what we learned last post – that fault and responsibility are not related – here is a prime example. Viewing life through these two different examples can make a world of difference. It can be related to the old adage “What people do to us is up to them. How we react to it is up to us.” This is easy to both read and understand intellectually, but try and live this way emotionally and you will discover it is not so easy.

What is vital to remember is that it is possible. We have control of our minds. For most of us we have relinquished that control, but we can get it back. Next time you find yourself upset due to some outside circumstance or some socially challenged individual, try saying to yourself, or better yet out loud, “I am really pissing myself off through this person!” If you are anything like me, you might chuckle at the absurd sounding nature of that statement, but sooner or later you will see the grain of truth in it.

Another great thing to follow up with is to imagine what possible reason that person could be acting like that. For example, when Margie and I are driving along, (Ok I am the driving and she is the along) and someone cuts us off to get that one car ahead before the red light, I often look at her and say, “Maybe they have to poop.” Certainly not the most eloquent option, but I am sure we can all relate having to hurry for just such a reason.

It helps you give the other party a certain benefit of the doubt. It doing so, it helps us get a little less upset. This is not to say you should let people treat you anyway or do whatever they like to you. What we are trying to do is lessen the effect their actions have on us.

Taking control of your mind and emotions is neither quick or easy, but with time and effort it can certainly pay dividends with reduced stress and mental anxiety. Try these simple tools to get started. Feel free to share your ideas in the comments below!

TRAIN YOUR MIND

The happiness of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts. I used to think quotes like this were a bunch a new-age nonsense. I also used to be a pretty angry and depressed person. Personal perception can do a lot to change your life. This may be hard to believe, but let me ask you a question. Have you ever read about, or perhaps even known someone personally, who seems to have the worst situation but has the best attitude? I am sure we all have. In my upcoming book Living the Dream I have a collection of interviews with people who seem to have every reason to be depressed, angry, jaded or a host of other unpleasant emotions, but yet are some of the most positive and inspiring people I know.

The million-dollar question is how do they do it? They control their thoughts. It is not easy and is not something they woke up doing all of a sudden. They ask themselves empowering questions such as, “What is good about this?” and “How can I use this?” I am certain there are times when the first answers that pop into their minds are not the most inspiring, but they keep asking.

The hard truth is that we cannot control all the circumstances of our lives, no matter how hard we try. We just do not have that power. What we can control is how we react to those circumstances. We have all heard the cliché “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” The reason things become cliché is because they have some truth to them.

Finding out how to make lemonade out of your particular lemons can be a tricky and ongoing process. The payout, however, is control over your life. Once you can control your thoughts, life can no longer control you. The tough times cannot bring you down because you will be able to both find the good in them, as well as use them to your advantage.

The next post we will look at another way in which all of the people I interviewed for my book control their thoughts. It is one trait they all have in common. Once you introduce this trait into your life and combine it with the two questions we mentioned here, you will be well on your way to controlling your thoughts!