Tag: disagreements

ARE YOU MISSING IT?😳

I am so excited for today’s post! The picture above says it all. A lot of us may be tempted to look at it and say, “What a stupid cat!” Be careful. You might have far more in common with that cat than you think. Before we get any further, let me assure you that I am as guilty of this on occasion as anyone. It really can be a problem for high-achievers. That is this, focusing so much on a problem that we fail to see the solution. It may not always be as black and white as how to get out of a cat carrier, but sometimes it is not that far off.

One of the rules I do my best to apply in my life is the 80/20 principle. I spend 20% of my time focusing on the problem. This will include gaining clarity on what the problem is. You would be surprised how many times this is a misunderstanding that compounds many a disagreement. I also want to look at possible causes and variables that went into the problem. The remaining 80% of the time I spend focused on the solution. What are variables I could introduce into the situation that could bring a resolution. Do I need to issue an apology? Do I need to adjust a behavior?

This method is not reserved solely for interpersonal relations. It can work in business. It works good when working on some self-improvement issue. It is relationships that I would like to discuss today, but feel free to think how you could apply this in business and other fields. To focus on solutions, you must start by knowing your goal. This sounds elementary, but it is not. If you are having a disagreement with your spouse, for example, the goal is to get back to a loving state. That may seem obvious as you read this, but in an emotional situation it can get lost in the shuffle.

If your spouse did something that hurt you, or maybe violated a standard you have for the relationship, it may seem hard to focus on getting back to a loving state. Especially, if you are the one who was hurt. You may want them to feel hurt, or even just to know how much they hurt you. Again, spending 20% on the problem here can be helpful. Being very clear to the other party what the problem is as you see it. You would be amazed how often people are working to solve two entirely different problems. Never assume your partner should know why you are upset. Yelling and screaming that you are hurt or mad does not relay the cause of the issue at hand. The more tactful you can convey why you are upset, the more likely the other party will understand. I get it. This is difficult to do when you are in a highly emotional state. I do not always get this right, even though I know this stuff. If possible, I suggest taking a moment to help yourself become clear as to why you are upset, and how you can convey those feelings in such a way that the other party will not feel attacked or defensive.

Spend the other 80% of the time focused on the solution. That is, getting back to a loving state. If the desired state is to be on a harmonious state of interaction, you can begin to focus on that. Certainly, figuring out who is to blame would not get you any closer. However, suggesting alternative ways certain situations could be acted out in the future that would leave both parties happy would get you closer.

Notice this in your own life. Are you spending too much time focused on the problem? Are you finding your disagreements spent rehashing the problem, or discussing possible solutions? Even if you disagree on a solution, the fact that you are working towards that is what is healthy. Even throwing the question, “How do you think we can get back to being loving?” in the middle of a heated disagreement, can put you back on track. Sometimes, it is can be beneficial to cool off and come back together with possible solutions in mind. There are so many possible solutions to suggest. The more you put out there, the more you stand a chance of succeeding.

Here are two bonus items that will make this even better. The first is that it is essential to validate your partner’s feelings, even if you disagree with them. Saying things such as “I understand you feel….” can open the door to solutions. It also lets your partner know they are being heard. This is very important. The second thing that greatly increases the odds that your disagreement will leave your relationship stronger and not weaker is to ask for help. What I mean is to let your partner know that you would love to get back to a loving state with them. Saying something like this, “I really want us to be loving and I would love your help in coming up with a solution to do just that.” Now, how can you continue to be upset when you hear that? The important part about both of these is that they cannot be hollow words. You must mean them and follow them up with actions that show you mean them. They say, “Where focus goes, energy flows.” Do you want to give your energy and focus to your problems, or to your successes and solutions?

KEEP CALM,BE THE BEST

Here are some words that come to us from a very smart man who lived 2500 years ago. In situations where there is conflict, it is one of the greatest challenges to remain calm. Trust me, I know this personally. When you feel you have been wronged, or someone has violated a principle that is near and dear to your heart, it would be extremely unlikely to avoid emotions entering into the situation. The benefits of limiting emotional aspects of any conflict should be relatively obvious. I think the quote from the Taoist master above is easy to understand, but very difficult to put into action. One of the things that could help us stay calm in the face of conflict is to remember the why the conflict exists to begin with.

Have you ever been arguing with someone so long, that you can’t even remember what the point of the disagreement is all about? I think a good amount of us can say we have fallen into that situation at least once in our lives. In a relationship that has not evolved, the goal can feel like it is to hurt the person who hurt you. While this may seem like a good idea at the moment, seldom is that really the solution. It is 100% certain it will not feel good in the long term. I find asking yourself, “What is the reason I am so upset?” throughout the argument will help keep you on track. An even better question to ask is, “What is the solution I hope to have with this disagreement?” This not only helps you stay calm, but keeps you solution oriented. Asking, “How can I use this disagreement to create a new sense of closeness and growth?” can be a very empowering question.

It can also be a little selfish to remain calm. The one who is the calmest usually can steer the conversation and resulting actions in the direction they choose. While the party ruled by emotion is usually in a state of reaction, the one who is calm can operate from a state of action. Trust the words of a 2500 year-old wise man. Next time you find yourself in the unfortunate situation of a disagreement, ask yourself one of the empowering questions to remain calm.

ARE YOU PSYCHIC ?

This post has very little to do with the answer to that question . Still let us take a look at the question. Do you even believe in psychic ability? If so, how much do you think you have? How much do you think others have? How developed is it? You have to admit, if you are one of the people who do believe, the amount of people who have developed psychic power is far and few between.

So what does all of this have to do with living and amazing life? Plenty. It is one of the basic fundamentals I teach people in dealing with others. See if this sounds familiar to you. Have you ever heard someone complaining about their friend/coworker/spouse not knowing what they want? My first question to these people who are complaining is “Did you tell them?”. They often respond with a blank stare followed shortly by such phrases as “Well they should know” or “any idiot would know”. A lot of people assume because of their actions people should know. Maybe they have even told this person in the past. Still I remind them that most people do not have the time or energy to walk around pondering what people are ‘trying to tell them’.

How many disagreements or hurt feelings in your own life have arisen out of the fact that the two parties involved just were not clear on what the other wanted? I know in my own life I am victim of this more often then I would like to admit. I assume people know more about my desires than they do. If someone hurts you or offends you in some way because they were ignorant as to your feelings on the matter that is on you. That might sound a little harsh, but remember they cannot read our minds.

Let’s look at situations where you have told someone in the past about a situation that hurt you. In this situation we are looking at two possible scenarios. One, the person knew this would bother you and took the opportunity to do so. If that is so, perhaps we need to rethink their position in our life. The far more likely scenario is they forgot. It slipped their mind. This can only add to the frustration especially if it is something you are passionate about. It is not easy, especially in the moment, but we must remember people have a lot going on in their heads far more than just what upsets us. Again, personally I confess this is something I am still really working on.

Here is the takeaway. If there is something that is bothering you, or even something that would make you extremely happy that someone can do. Tell them. Once you share with them “This is what I like, this is what I don’t like” then the responsibility is on them. When and if they forget that or fail to do what you desire do your best not to get upset. Instead remind them that you told them and ask if there is a better way to communicate your desires or if there is anything you can do to help them remember for next time. Trust me the response you will get is far better than just getting upset.

Also remember to look at the other side of things. How fair do you think it is that people expect you to know everything that makes them happy or upset? Make being around you easy and enjoyable. Be upfront with what you do and do not enjoy. Chances are your relationships will improve and all parties will be happier.

Feel free to share your communication secrets below as well as sharing this post. Most importantly remember to share your feelings with the parties that can do something about them.