YOU ARE NOT A MISTAKE

It is easy to look in the mirror and see all of our faults. Not only is this easy, but it seems to be a trait of human nature. If you are lucky enough to either not own a mirror or be one of the rare few who are not focused on your faults, fear not there are plenty of others, the media included, who will be happy to point them out for you.

I am here to tell you something you do not hear enough. You are perfect the way you are. I know that may seem hard to believe, but you are. Yes, there is always room for improvement. Yes, things might not be as you wish them to be. If this is true how can I say you are perfect? Simple, the life you were given was made for you. You may have been born with a physical or mental challenge or limitation. Certain situations may have happened to you that are beyond your control. You may have experienced terrible loss. You may have financial troubles. You may have went through physical, emotional or sexual abuse. These things are all terrible and should not happen to anyone.

If this is the case, how can our lives be perfect? Those challenges and limitations were not given to us to stop us, they were given to us to either serve us or help us serve others. Often times both. Some of the most inspiring people I know show me how their physical or mental challenges do not stop them. Not only does it allow me to feel grateful for my own health, but reinforces the fact I should not allow any of my health limitations serve as an excuse.

Some of those closest to me have went through terrible situations. Things they, nor anyone else, deserve to go through. Not only have many of them served as a great example of how to overcome those challenges, but they offer a hand in helping others facing challenges of their own. This is help that would certainly not be as beneficial had it come from someone who had not faced that situation. It has made them emotionally stronger. Some of them had to work through a great deal of pain, both physical and emotional. Through these struggles they have learned so much about themselves and help come out as stronger individuals.

No matter what you are facing at the moment, understand it was given to you for a reason. You are perfect. Even your mistakes can provide you examples in forgiveness and humility. Please feel free to share this message with those who need to hear it.

ESPECIALLY WHEN IT’S HARD

In this blog we explore many ways in which to have an amazing life. A lot of that focus tends to fall on how to have an amazing relationship. After all, relationships, more than anything else, have a great impact on our lives. Let us be honest, if our relationships are less than amazing, it will be difficult, if not impossible, for our lives to be amazing. That is why I recommend relationship building as a life-long study regardless of the field you are in.

Even in the best relationships things can go south. Despite our best efforts, despite all of our best intentions and study, things often zig when they should have zagged. It happens. When we find ourselves in a state that seems to be less then amorous with our partners it can be easy to stray from the things we know we should do. The ironic part is that is when it is most important.

One of the things I always do for Margie is open her car door. To me it is a sign of respect. It is a little thing I can do to show her how much I value and treasure the lady she is. Another thing we do for each other is kiss each other at red lights. This does two very important things. First, it places a loving action in what is generally a mundane and occasionally stressful activity. Second, it turns red lights from something to dread, to something to look forward to.

When things in the relationship are running on less than ideal terms certain thoughts come to mind. I am reminded she is physically capable of opening her own door and how nice it would be to get into the car and relax myself. There are times when I could look straight ahead and focus on the waiting for the red light to change instead of leaning over to kiss her. It is these times, however, when it is most important to do these actions.

This is why. When I open the door for her even when we are not seeing eye to eye, it shows her that even though I may not be happy with the situation, I still respect and honor her as my lady. When I lean over to kiss her at a red light on a night we might not be on the best of speaking terms it says, “Even though we not be liking each other a lot right now, I still love you.”¬†It is vitally important to maintain little actions that show respect and love in times of discord. Quite often these can soften the hardest of hearts, even if that one is your own at times.

Here is a great side-effect that arises from maintaining these loving actions. At the end of the day you can look back and know that despite circumstances, you were the best version of yourself. You can also be confident that you did what was right for your relationship. It would be easy, and even excusable, to forgo certain loving actions when you are angry. What it will not do is give you an amazing relationship. That, as we discussed earlier, will make it very difficult to have an amazing life.

DOES IT MATTER?


We have all heard the saying If a tree falls in the woods and nobody is around to hear it, does it still make a sound? The premise being if there is no receiver, does the action still matter? The quick answer is “yes”. According to the laws of physics, the sound still happens. Dynamite does not silently explode because the workers have retreated to a safe distance. That should seem quite obvious.
This had me thinking of the flip-side of this equation. What about the creative side of things? What if you were to plant a tree and nobody was around to see you do it? Would it still matter? The quick answer again would be “yes”. The tree would still grow. People would enjoy its shade and any fruits if it was that sort of tree. The birds would still be able to use its branches to rest or perhaps even build their nests. The tree would still filter the air to make the world better for everyone.
What does all of this have to do with living a more amazing life? Plenty. I am not just speaking to the arborists that read this blog. This question came up during an absolutely wonderful heart-felt conversation between the love of my life, Margie, and me. The question was – If you do an act of kindness and nobody knows about it or benefits from it in the moment, is it still worth doing? The quick answer, much like our tree analogies, is “yes”. This can be as simple as picking up a piece of litter as you are walking. In the long run it may not change the world, and may seem insignificant, but it is not. Many of you may be thinking “Why should I go out of my way to pick up someone else’s garbage?” Really, you shouldn’t have to. It is their responsibility and their fault it is on the ground.
So why do these things? The reasons are plenty, and I would really enjoy hearing some of the ones you think I may have missed in the comments below. On a personal level, doing kind and right things when nobody is watching is what developing a strong character is all about. If you do what is right when there is no one watching, you will do the right thing when people are watching. This holds true for many aspects of life. Healthy eating comes to mind. If you tell everyone you are eating healthy, but then go home and eat half a dozen doughnuts your waist will resemble…well…a doughnut. The same is true for gossip. If you talk well of others in public, but still gossip with your coworkers about this person or that, your spirit will not be at peace.
Another reason is simple, yet very important – you never know if somebody is watching. At my day job at the post office we have a poster reminding the carriers to handle each package with the care and respect it deserves. There is a not so subtle reminder that everyone has cell phones and even if you don’t think anyone is watching, before long the whole world may be watching. I have heard people say things such as “Well just because somebody does something once, it may not be who they really are.” or the very insightful phrase, “They wouldn’t have done that if they thought someone was watching/listening.” The point is this – we are what we do whether someone is watching or listening or not. We are what we repeatedly say and do. Of course we all make mistakes and that should be understood, but it is important to cultivate our character by acting consistently whether someone is watching or not.
Also, doing something good when we know, or at least think, that no one is watching gives us a good feeling inside. If you are new to this blog it we often stress the importance of keeping our state positive. Being in a positive state helps us reduce stress, increase joy and just feel better about ourselves. When that happens the ripple effect is our treatment of others and the attitude we bring to our jobs, family, friends and the world at large.
Lastly, like in the tree example, this has an unknown ripple effect. Later, by picking up that littler, we may bring a person joy when they see a clean street instead of one filled with garbage. We may have helped prevent an animal or child from picking that garbage up and putting it in their mouth. We may have had a great impact and never know it. Is doing something good or right worth doing if nobody ever knows or we can’t see the positive impact? The answer, as you may have deciphered, is a resounding “YES”.

IT REALLY WORKS… BOTH WAYS

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Law of attraction…it seems to be everywhere these days. Since the movie The Secret came out, everyone seems to think they are an expert in this field. The truth about the law of attraction, or LOA as it is sometimes known, is that the more we learn, the more there is to learn.

Most people understand the Law of attraction to be in the simplest of terms, you think about something and it happens. That is the first mistake. That is not at all how it works…exactly. A better way to word how this universal law works is whatever you focus on expands. I find a great example of this in people who are, in my humble opinion, overly political. You know the people, they fill your social media and conversation with how terrible one political party is while believing the other can do no wrong. Let’s face it, if it were that simple elections wouldn’t be necessary. These people, while focused on there beliefs seem to find a treasure trove of examples. It doesn’t matter what their beliefs are either. They tend to turn into one type of news channel, they read only one kind of publication.

Recently, I have noticed a different type of law of attraction phenomenon. There are some of my female friends who are having the hardest time meeting a decent man to date. Even those that show promise end up having some deep dark secret addiction or turn out to be someone else completely from who they are pretending to be. These ladies are decent hard-working people that I believe honestly would enjoy a great relationship. Why are they having no luck? After every bad relationship experience they are sharing posts about it online. They find memes or quotes that reflect how terrible men are. They share news stories about men who cheat and some even add words of their own such as “See all men are the same.” or “Romance doesn’t exist anymore.” It seems rather silly to say all people of any race, country, creed much less gender are the same. By instilling that belief in themselves their minds will subconsciously be focused on finding examples to support that.

Much like when you buy a new car and start to see that car everywhere. Imagine if you focus on the inferior gentleman you have recently shared a date with, what do you think you will find everywhere? This is based on science. It is using a part of our brain called the reticular activating system it is the portion of our brains that tell us what is important. Just like the car you just purchased. Everyone didn’t just run out and buy the same car, they were there all of the time. Your brain just decided it was important to notice. Are there other cars on the road you are not noticing? Sure because you did not recently purchase those models. Are there examples of gentleman who treat their spouses with the respect they deserve? Of course there are, but if you believe there are not, your brain will actually make them invisible to you. That certainly decreases the chances you will wind up dating one.

Speaking of putting our brains to use for us instead of against us, there is another example of using this in reverse. These same wonderful, well-meaning ladies who are dismayed at the lack of respect given to them by men, will be the first on the dance floor when songs with lyrics that are very demeaning to women are on. “I just like the beat.” they will say. “It is just music, I don’t even really listen to the lyrics.” This may be true on a conscious level, but remember there are two parts of the brain. Subconsciously, your brain is hearing these lyrics. They are not only further examples of men who treat women terribly, but often can desensitize individuals to how hurtful this can be. “I would never let a man say those things to me that they say in that song.” I have heard people say. By purchasing and promoting that music you are not only giving these messages a pass, but doing a disservice to women, and gentleman who believe woman deserve equal respect. The more the younger generation is exposed to this kind of material, the more they may feel it is acceptable. Young men need to understand the proper way a women deserves to be treated and young women need to know it is important to hold them accountable.

This, of course, works in both ways. Young men listening to this type of thing may get the wrong impression it is ok to talk about, or worse yet, treat women with a lack of respect. It is not. If your relationships are not what you would like. If you keep meeting all of the wrong kinds of people, look closely at what you are putting out as well as what you are surrounding yourself with. It is far better to focus on what you want, rather than what you want to avoid. Look for examples of the type of man or woman you wish to be with. Where are you most likely to find these people? Go there. Also, be careful what you put in your surroundings. Even though you may think it might not affect you on the conscious level, remember your subconscious mind is always working.

Most importantly, treat each other with respect. Regardless of who we are, we all deserve to be treated with respect and honored. Make sure you do that for others and make sure you do not tolerate anything less for yourself.

WARNING OR EXAMPLE?

Warnings, we see them everywhere. It can be a stop sign warning us to be aware of the traffic around us. It can be a message from the surgeon general reminding you that the cigarette you are about to put into your mouth will cause you physical harm and eventually death. Even signs like the one above warn us to take caution with what we are about to do next. Warnings are not only all around us, but serve to keep us safe and improve the quality of our lives in the long run.

Examples, they are all around us as well. We look at directions in a box as examples of how to properly use and sometimes put together the item we have purchased. We can watch videos on YouTube on how to make a fruit tart for the one we love in our life. We can watch professionals on television show us everything from how to play sports well, to how to perform surgery. Examples are all around us as well. Properly used, they can help us live a more positive and rewarding life as well.

Here is something we may not have considered. Each one of us, and the life we live, is either a warning or example. In most cases we are a little of both. What is important is deciphering whether something is a warning or example to us. We can use the excuse that our parents were alcoholics or abusive and that is why we are the same. This would be using them as an example. If we used them as a warning we could understand the problems from a health and social aspect alcohol can cause when used irresponsibly.

What we choose as our examples is just as important. We must decide who it is we wish to become and who we are looking to emulate. Also, knowing what parts of the example we wish to take in. Sometimes part of something is good, and some is better off left behind. A person may be really good at the sport they play, but they may also cheat on their spouse, abuse drugs or a host of other malicious behaviors.

We must remember that we are also warnings and examples for those around us. People can learn from our mistakes as well as our victories. It is important to convey that. Think about your own life, what are you teaching those around you? Are you a warning, an example or both?

SHINE ON!

 

 

In my upcoming book Living the Dream there is a special section I have included towards the back of the book. This section is called ‘In the company of angels’ and for good reason. It includes stories of people that I know who have faced life challenges that would make most of us bitter at best, or throw in the towel and quit on life at worse. These wonderful people have not only avoided both, but have went on to be positive forces in their own right.

The stories range from having one of their parents killed in a mining accident and having to move clear across the country to being abused on several levels as both children and adults. Writing these stories was a bit of a struggle for me as I am used to writing material that uplifts and inspires. As I wrote and recalled all the situations my friends had relayed to me I felt their pain. I cannot imagine facing what some of them have.

Writing my way through them brought several positive things to me, however. First, I was grateful for all of the struggles that I didn’t have to face growing up. We were not rich and I came from a single-parent home, but we always had trips to the library, played games with other children in the neighborhood and always had enough to eat. After reading the stories I share in my book, growing up without a lot of money and only one parent seemed like paradise. I guess you could say it not only supplied me with a great deal of gratitude, but a new perspective as well.

Another thing it did for me was only serve to increase my respect for those brave individuals that shared their stories. The idea for including them in my book was to show real life examples of how people could face the worst situation and still manage to maintain a positive disposition. This was the reason I approached the people I did. What I didn’t expect was the details and amount of struggle they had went through. Learning how someone could overcome everything they did was worth its weight in gold. I am pretty sure most of us would not escape with such a healthy outlook as they had.

Knowing these people personally I can tell you that they genuine love life. That is not to say they do not have a bad day as we all do, but as a general rule they seem to appreciate the beauty of what surrounds them on a daily basis. The bravery they showed in coming forth and sharing their stories so that others may benefit from them was also not lost on me. They did so with no promise of any future reward other than the knowledge in their heart that their stories have helped others who are also struggling.

My suggestion to you is to learn the stories of your friends. Ask about their struggles. If you are blessed enough like I am to have brave friends who do not mind sharing what they have been through, do yourself a favor and listen. Understand how much courage it takes to be able to recall the pain of the past again. Admire their ability to stand strong in the face of a past that may haunt them or weigh them down. Appreciate their ability to shine even after all the storms they have been through. These to me are the true warriors.

Don’t forget to look for the book Living the Dream coming to bookstores next February.

 

 

LET US TALK ABOUT YOUR STORY

We ended last week by discussing stories. The stories we tell ourselves to prevent us from trying new ideas and concepts. I shared some of the stories from my life and how they have affected me. We even looked at stories that others tell us about ourselves. We looked at how we view stories, events and people from our past and how that can have an effect on our future. All of these examples can show how important stories are to our development and overall well-being.

Today we are going to look at your story. In the last few years I have learned so much from listening to the stories of others. Whether it is the stories from my friends Cari and Kelly who show me that even people coming from some of the most challenging circumstances can grow into some of the most loving people with wonderful souls. Listening to the stories about my lovely Margie helped me to better understand the woman I love and the people in her life that helped form her into the divine lady that she is today.

I know I could learn a lot from your story as well. That may sound like a bold claim considering the people who read this span the entire globe. You may be asking what can I learn from the individual from Tunisia who read this on Sunday? I can’t say exactly, but I can tell you for sure something. The examples may not be something I can relate to, for example I have friends who were abused, in foster care, divorced, lost children and a host of other challenges I have not faced. In them I can learn the principles of hope, faith, determination and love. I am eternally grateful to each and every person who shares their story with me.

You may think that your life does not offer any inspiration, but I am here to tell you nothing could be further from the truth. I have heard stories from a friend in Romania about listening to certain music on the way to work. I have heard stories from my friend in Australia about the way she discovers indigenous medicine by visiting local markets. My friend from Mexico shares challenges that the local economy and health care cause him to face in his country. These are but a few of the countless stories I hear each and every day. Even those who share stories about their love, good fortune or healing give me a joyous feeling in my heart.

Perhaps you still think your story is nothing special? “I am just a person who wakes up and works to pay the bills.” Let me tell you that your story, and your life may be just what someone else needs to hear. It may be the challenges or amusing stories you have to offer about your chosen line of work. It may be amusing stories and episodes you have had raising your children. Maybe it is even the way you have approached a health challenge you have. After more then 20 years in the self-improvement field, I can tell you without a doubt, one of the most common feelings people deal with is feeling alone. Knowing that there is somebody else in the world who is facing the same challenge or has even made it through that challenge, can give their heart a little peace.

Please share your story. It may not seem like much to you and you may not understand how it will help anyone else, but it will. Whether you wish to start a blog like this one, write your own book or start a YouTube channel, please get your story out there. Someone is needing to hear just what you have to say. They may be in Armenia, Brazil or Zaire but they are out there. If you need any advice or suggestions on how to get started you can ask yours truly or make good use of Google which has many helpful tutorials.

YOU HAVE A BRUISE NOT A TATTOO

We all know someone who lives in their past failures. You know the people I am talking about. They had a relationship and it may have been extremely bad, but now that they are free you hear them say things such as, “all men/women are terrible!” Or “Love is a fairytale.”

They accomplish 2 things by doing this. First, they make themselves feel terrible in the moment by reliving that hurt they went through inside their head each time they think about it.

Second, by repeating phrases like that over and over with a great deal of emotion, they create more of that in their reality. If you were a normal, healthy person looking to have a loving, growth-oriented relationship would you be looking for someone who says things like we mentioned above? Of course you wouldn’t. In fact, you would probably run the other way. This would leave our friend looking around saying “see there are no good men/women around anymore!” Little do they know they are chasing them away with their bad attitude and their desire to live in the past.

Don’t turn your bruises into tattoos! Understand bruises can be painful and depending on the severity, may need some time to heal. Trust me on this. Anyone who knows me can speak for my experience in that field. Still, given time and some care all bruises heal. Yours will too unless you make them a tattoo.

A LESSON I HAVE LEARNED

There are a handful of lessons I have learned in my life that really stuck with me and defined who I am to this very day. One of them I was told was that “If you hate someone or something you just do not know enough about it. If you learn about it and still hate it, that does not mean it is bad, it means you still have more to learn.” This is something I keep with me to this very day.

If we are being honest, we would have to admit there are lots of messages telling us who we should dislike, who the bad guys are and why. From politics, sports and even religion have messages telling us that there are people who are less than us. When we read about some violent episode conducted by a group of people it can be easy to say “Look this group of people are evil.” If we were to apply that same guilt by association to every terrible act that has been done I fear we would all belong to some group of evil.

How can we ever not harbor some sort of negative emotions towards people who by their very acts cause the death of hundred, or even thousands of people? It is a very difficult question to answer. Quite often we must look back in history for answers as to why things happen today. Was there an event in history where this group of people were made to suffer under the group they attacked?

Even personal history can shed some light on why people can do acts most of us would find unspeakable. Did this person suffer years of physical and emotional abuse? Did their family constantly remind them of judgmental or even hateful beliefs that hand been handed down for generations? Were they raised in a neighborhood that also promoted these beliefs? Maybe while attending school for 8 hours a day surrounded by peers their age they learned to adopt their beliefs? They might have even did so just to fit in at first, but after years of trying to fit in those beliefs became part of their spirit.

This can be even worse when an entire society is fed information that is hateful. We can use both Nazi Germany during World War two, as well as early America as examples. In the 1930’s Germany began a campaign against the Jewish people. This was not only political, but in schools, the media and in the home. An entire generation grew up being taught a terrible doctrine of hate and evil. This resulted in the death of over 6 million men, women and children of Jewish decent. In the founding years of America the same thing happened. Americans were told the native people were uncivilized and less than they were. They were told they were violent and threatened their safety. It was also said that the Native Americans stood in the way of the prosperity and freedom of the white settlers. Again, this message was delivered in the media, the government, the home and even the church pulpit. This resulted in the death of over 100 million men, women and children. What is worse is that often entire nations and cultures were lost. Medicine and knowledge we could use today are gone forever.

Does this mean we should hate the German people who did not stand up to their government? Should we hate those who acted on the beliefs they were raised on? Should we still hate the American soldiers who killed pregnant Native American women because when they were being forced to walk from North Carolina to Oklahoma they were going to slow? Sure those acts, among many others in history are hard to understand and even harder to forgive for some people.

We must not only view the history, but be careful not to view it through our own eyes. It may be easy to say “If I was in Germany back then I would have told Hitler to go to hell !” We can say that as somebody who was raised free and without judgment. If we had been told, and often given ‘proof’ as to how bad this group of people were from the time we were born, we might act differently. While there is plenty of proof of people who have overcome very challenging situations to be loving non-violent people, it is impossible to know how we would act in the same situation. In fact, we will never know as we will never have their exact life and genetic makeup.

In a world that urges us to blame and condemn, there is very little accent on compassion and understanding. Those two elements are essential if we ever hope to change the world we live in for the better. Let me be perfectly clear on one very important point. Understanding someone’s violent action does not mean Condoning it. We can certainly condemn acts that harm others, and we should, but without following that with an equal effort to understand why they happened in the first place history would be doomed to repeat itself.