Tag: abusive relationships

WHAT YOU CHOOSE TO BECOME

This is a simple, yet powerful quote. In all of our lives we have had situations that have knocked us down. It could be a divorce, a sudden job loss, a health crisis or abuse of any kind. Most of the time, none of these are our faults. It is, however, 100% of our responsibility what we do with the situation that we are placed in. Eric Thomas said it best when he said, “It may not be your fault that you have been knocked down, but if I come back in a year and you are still laying there that is on you.”

In no way is this an attempt to belittle what you have been through. You may have been a victim of fate, the economy or even another person. That can be cruel and unfair. Whether you stay a victim is up to you. This does not mean it is easy. It does not mean crawling out of that situation will not be painful. What it does mean is that you have decided not to let them hurt you anymore. Every day that you use your circumstances as an excuse instead of motivation, you are giving power to them and taking away power from yourself. Yes, your boss may have fired you unfairly. Yes, the economic crash may have been brought on by rich politicians who could care less about the working class. None of that is your fault.

It is time to look yourself in the mirror and ask yourself these two important words – Now What? Your name was slandered by a cyber bully. Now what? You could seek revenge, which is a terrible waste of energy and can even end up adding validation to their accusations. Better option would be to commit to living your life in such a fashion that anyone who would speak against you would be the one to look foolish. You had no choice in the actions of the bully, but the responsibility in your response is all on you. Many people have had terrible childhoods filled with abuse that we can’t even imagine. Still, the responsibility falls on them to either heal or not. I am blessed to have friends who have took the painful journey of confronting their abuse, healing and now help others. I have seen others fall into a world of addiction and have their life end far too soon.

Whether we like it or not, there is no connection between fault and responsibility. None of what happened to you may be your fault, but your life is still your responsibility. This may seem unfair, but it is also terribly liberating and empowering. That means our past, as painful as it might have been, does not have to limit our future. It only will if we decide to let it. If you need help in your journey, reach out to a friend or a professional. Do not let your past determine your future.

STOP AND THINK

Here is a post that should not have to be written, but must be read. There are so many out there jumping to conclusions and often doing so without compassion or understanding. Think of the picture above. We may see a man who appears to be emotional, sad or moved to tears. Many would think he was ‘not manly’ or worse make fun of him. They would not ask why he is in such an emotional state or even ponder to consider what may make him so vulnerable in public.

Parents, you may think it is no big deal that your child is a bully. Not only can that lead to some deplorable adults, but think of the photo above. The child being attacked and bullied at school could be the very one being abused at home. When will this become too much for the child to take? None of us know. What would be tragic is if actions taken by another child would push them over the edge and lead to that child taking their own lives. Not only would that result in the loss of one life, but the guilt the other child would be forced to live with would be a second tragedy. Teach your children to live and treat others with kindness and compassion.

Here is another one that can break your heart. Many of the elderly are ignored or looked down upon for one reason or another. They should be treasured. It is them who have paved the way for all of us. Think of the example sighted above. People may look at an old man who has scars on him, or other physical, or even mental, ailments. How many of us stop and think that he could have received them fighting for our country? He could have been burned trying to save a family from a fire. We never know the story behind the people we see. None of us would like to be judged without understanding or compassion. We should afford the same rights to others.

Going forward, let us all make a conscious effort to understand others. Let us treat them with the love and compassion we so strongly crave in our own lives. We impact the lives of all of those we come in contact with to one degree or another. Let us do our best to make sure it is in a positive way.

USE YOUR SCARS

It can be hard to go through the challenges in life. Right now where I live, there are people who have lost everything in the floods we have had recently. It can seem like there is no rain why we must go through what challenges us. Even in the worst of situations, there is a point.

I have never quite heard it this way, but I like the analogy. Our scars, be there physical or emotional, can be a guiding light to others. As we use them in this way, it also helps us heal. In my book, Living the Dream, I chronicle the stories of people who were the victims of different forms of abuse. They use their experience to help others with their healing journey.

No matter what challenge you are going through, or what scars life has left you with, you can use that to help others either avoid the same pain, or share how to make it through.

WHAT I LEARNED FROM DIDDY

By now everyone has heard about the trials and tribulations of Diddy. Famous rap musician, producer  clothing designer and such. What has came out has disgusted many, and rightfully so. Some of the accusations are mind-blowing. Just like anything in life,we can put the poor life decisions made by this individual to work for us in our own life.

One of the things that is starting to come out is the people who both associated, and knew about the illegal activities diddy was involved in. I’m not about to say that I know who was guilty or not. What it does remind us of, is the importance of being selective with who we associate with. Sure, this person may be popular and hold sway in an industry, but does that mean we should look the other way when we see them acting in a way that harms others and goes against the law?

This starts as early as the playground when we are little. One kid is very popular so we try to be friends with them. Does it matter that they are a jerk and treat others poorly? The answer to that question can have life-long implications. Who we choose to have around us can not only cause us to be guilty by association, it can impact our behavior. “At least i am not as bad as they are.” May excuse behavior in ourselves that we would otherwise find repulsive.

Another lesson is the minors this man was allowed to negatively influence. There is no way any parent should allow their children, famous or not, to find themselves in these situations. You simply cannot make intelligent life decisions at that age. The issue of domestic violence. We should not allow money and influence to cloud our vision when it comes to abusive relationships. Everyone has the right to be safe no matter the wealth and status of the abuser.

These, and I’m sure many other crimes,will come out in the future. As awful as they are, let us use them for good. Let them remind us of the importance of maintaining strong mental health for everyone. Let us look for abuse before it happens. Make sure everyone has a voice. Let’s not look the other way at someone’s behavior just because we like their music.

IT IS OK TO STUMBLE 🔙

A few posts ago, we wrote about how important it was to get out of abusive relationships. The same can be said about a job situation that is slowly killing your soul or any other harmful situation. Although these are logical steps to living and amazing life, they are far from easy ones. Relationships can be very difficult to get out of. Shared economics, promises of people changing, family and religious expectations can make things difficult. That job may give us a false sense of economic security.

As the picture above tells us, just to attempt such things takes a great deal of bravery. If we let our boss talk us into staying a little longer while we keep our eyes open for another opportunity, that is understandable. Do we give that person we know won’t change another chance? That’s up to us, but we must consider our own well-being. These things may take several attempts to accomplish before we can finally follow through. Do not beat yourself up if you fail on your first attempt. The fact that you are endeavoring to better your life takes a lot of guts.

Whether it is giving up unhealthy eating, smoking or an abusive partner, it may take time and several attempts, but each one is an act of courage and a chance to learn something new about ourselves and our situation. Even if you stumble, do not beat yourself up, and certainly do not give up! You are brave for even trying.

STOP THE CIRCUS 🎪

How many of us have people in our lives that continue to let us down and put us in awkward situations? How many of us have people who do this over and over again? It can be hard to make the decision to cut someone off from our life. If we keep these people around us, it is like gripping a hot coal and complaining about it burning us. If we were to just let it go it would cease to burn us and we could begin our healing.

That is not to say that every time there is a misunderstanding or falling out between two parties that it is time to walk away. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone has bad days. You have had them. I have had them. If there is someone who repeatedly hurts us and we keep inviting them back into our life, it is us to blame, not them. If someone stabs you in the back, it would be good to keep knives away from them. This is a lot of metaphors, but they all say the same thing, people who have no regard to you or your feelings should be shown the door.

Be on the lookout for circuses that you attend in your own life. If you find yourself routinely complaining about how someone treats you, ask yourself why they are still in your life. Yes, it is hard to cut someone off. That is a one-time hurt. What is worse is to keep someone in your life that hurts you over and over again. You are worth much more than that.

RECONNECT NOT REQUIRED 🔌

Forgiveness is a gift you truly give yourself. Most of the time, the person you are upset with could care less if you forgive them. Harboring anger only steals your peace. Knowing this, why do people put off forgiving others? I believe there are two reasons. Let us take a look at these one at a time.

First reason people don’t forgive others is that somehow they equate that with the other person ‘winning’. The opposite is actually true. If you let the person continue to keep you in a state of hurt and anger, then that would be closer to ‘winning’. In actuality, the only winning is living a peaceful and rewarding life. That can only be accomplished through forgiveness. If someone is still renting space in your head or your heart, evict them!

The second reason people withhold forgiveness, is they assume forgiveness means they would have to reconnect with that person. This is certainly not true. There are people who sadly can be in our hearts, but not our life. If there is someone who has done you so wrong you want them neither in your heart or your life, than you must forgive them. By holding on to anger, or some feeling of hurt, you are maintaining a connection.

Forgive them today and set yourself free.

YOU ARE YOUR PAST… BUT THEN AGAIN, YOU’RE NOT. 🫤

Well, isn’t this a confusing title? I should certainly say so. Let us start with how you are, indeed, your past. Any of us who study the Law of Attraction know that a certain energy will attract to itself. This is one reason that it seems the rich get richer and the poor get poorer, as the saying goes. If you have only been exposed to poverty growing up, that is all you know. Your thoughts and actions leading up to this point have you in a state of poverty. Same holds true if you grew up rich. That is what you know. You take actions that will allow you and your money to remain lifelong friends. If you wake up and find that putting on that pair of jeans you bought last year seems like a bit more of a struggle, it is not because of the one doughnut you had for breakfast. No, it is years of eating poorly. You are, in fact, the result of the decisions you have made up to that point. In this way, you are your past. There is good news to be had, however.

You are also not your past. What? Let me explain. I hear a lot of people refer to themselves as something. It can be something positive, or something negative. “I am a procrastinator.” they say. “I am not a morning person.” is another great example. “No, that is what you have been.” What you are today can change in an instant. You can begin working towards creating a new you. Just as we discussed above how your present self is the result of the decisions you have made in the past, your future self will be the result of the decisions you make going forward.

Many people also choose to let past trauma define who they are. “I am a child of alcoholic parents.” or “I was in an abusive relationship.” Look, things may knock you down in life. Scratch that. Things will knock you down in life. That is not and will not be your fault. If, however, we come back years later and you are still on the ground, that is your fault. That is not to say that these things are not painful and do not leave emotional scars. They do and many of them may take years to recover from. We do not have to let them define us. It may take therapy. It will take confronting these issues and the fears and trauma they have created inside of us, but we do not have to be our past.

The same is true of others. In the past, people may have done us wrong. They may have not been people we would have liked to associate with. If that is not who they are today, and we are judging them, then we are convicting an innocent person. That is not to say you should be gullible and believe someone has changed just because they told you. We should not hold them prisoner for their past actions. Just as we can change, so can others. If you knew me a long time ago, you may think, “This guy is not someone I would want to be around.” You would have been right. Now, I can’t count how many people compliment the way I treat Margie. Many ask me to talk to their man and try to show them how to talk and act.

This change all came from the fact that I chose to no longer be my past. It didn’t hurt that I meant a lovely and spirited woman who held me accountable for my behavior. You can do the same. You are the result of the decisions and actions you have made up to this point. So, you are your past. You are not a prisoner of that past, however. Starting the very second you finish reading this blog, you can choose to no longer let your past define you. Changes occur in an instant. Commitment and follow through is what changes identity going forward.

In my second book, Living the Dream, there are several stories of people who prove that you do not have to be defined by your past. There is a woman who was abused as a child. She is now part of a group that helps abused children. There is a man who saw his family get killed. He moved to a different country and started a family. A gentleman who grew up in rural West Virginia, uneducated and with little prospects. He went on to become an accomplished musician and live the life of his dreams. Do they still have parts of their past that haunt them? I am sure they do. We all do. What is true about all of them is they did not let those circumstances define them. Their future was not dictated by their past.

A NEW FRIEND, A GREAT CAUSE 🔥

Last post, I spoke about Margie and I recently attending a Pow Wow. We further discussed the great sense of community and I told you that we made a new friend who represented a great cause. Today, I would like to share a little bit more with you about that cause and how you can help, if you would like.

The cause is called HIR Wellness (Healing Intergenerational Roots). Their website says that they are “Providing the next generation of care to victims of crime through a survivor and women-led organization.” This is huge. Victims of domestic crime and violence can face an intimidating, and often frightening, road to recovery. This can include having to go through people who often resemble those who committed the very crimes they are doing their best to heal from. Having an organization run not only by women, but by survivors themselves, can lend a feeling of safety and understanding for those seeking help.

We met our new friend Averie, who is the community outreach and stewaredship specialist, at one of HIR Wellness’s CAMPsites. This stands for ‘Community Activated Medicine’. At these campsites, they provide many different services. Including, but not limited to, Wellness-checks, social, emotional and grief support and culturally responsive healing-informed practices. They also teach coping skills and healing interventions and offer triage for more urgent needs or concerns at these CAMPsites as well. By bringing licensed mental health and trained wellness providers, community healers and advocates to shared community spaces, they are helping to overcome many of the obstacles that prevent those who need care the most from getting it. This can range from living in an under-served area to transportation issues.

We have only begun to touch on the amazing work that HIR Wellness does. There is so much more. This includes their virtual work, their healing podcasts and many other services they offer to victims of domestic crime and violence. I cannot encourage you enough to click on the link below to go to their website and learn more about this amazing organization, and more to the point, how you can help support them. If you know of someone who could use their support or services, please share this information with them. Feel free to share this post on your social media and help to get the word out as well. Thank you so much for joining me in bringing to light a very important resource for those in need.

PLEASE CLICK HERE TO LEARN MORE ABOUT HIR WELLNESS AND HOW YOU CAN SUPPORT THEM

APPRECIATION NOT POSSESSION ❤️

Think of all the things, and people, in your life. Are you seeking to possess them, or are you truly appreciating them? If it is the former, how can you show them more appreciation?