Success should not be something that is viewed as complicated. It really isn’t. It is also individually defined. I think this is what may lead to it being viewed as complicated. When some people think of success, they see something like the picture above in their heads. I want to take you back to the reason I started this blog in the first place. In case you are brand new here and have not read any of my previous posts or any of my books, let me tell you quickly how we got here. In three simple words – my life sucked. My job was considering downsizing me. My personal relationships were in the toilet. My finances were close behind. I found myself at a local library attempting to find information on how to turn it all around.
How did that go? Let me ask you this, have you ever been to the self-improvement section of a book store or library? Google “Self-improvement books” and see how many results you get. You would not be able to read all of the titles, much less the books, in your lifetime. I recall this only adding to my frustration at the time. In my head I screamed, “Why can’t there just be a book that would supply simple tools that the average person can use to turn their life around?” Not finding one that appealed to me started the journey of writing my first book, A Happy Life for Busy People. That book is filled with the information I wish I would have known that day at the local library.
It has been 10 years since I wrote that first book. It has been 20 years that I have been involved in the self-improvement field. To this day, I search for simple ideas that can have a radical transformation on life. It is one of those formulas I want to share with you today. To achieve success in life you really must do one thing. To learn from all situations, both good and bad. It is really that simple. As we grow and evolve in life, it requires learning from experience. When we have a good outcome, learning how we can apply that in other areas of our lives. Did it involve a certain action? Maybe a change in mindset?
Learning and appreciating the gifts that are disguised as ‘negative experiences’ is one of the more difficult, yet rewarding skills in life. We did something wrong? Great! What can we learn from that? Do we need to improve our communication skills? do we need to be more present with those we love? Can we have a better handle on our emotions? Even if we make a mistake, which we all will do, as long as we learn from it we are still going in the right direction.
Our simple formula today can be summed up as this – do more of what works and learn from what doesn’t. If we do nothing more than follow this simple formula, we will be improving and growing every day. That, my friends, is the secret to an amazing life.
This post may sound a little doom and gloom to some of you, but I ask you to hold your judgements until the end. Every great thing in life we are working on doing is a war. I am not always fond of this comparison, but let me explain. I recall hearing my lovely lady sing the song “Love is a battlefield” by Pat Benatar the other day. I recall my thought that night was the same as every time I heard that song. “That is a pretty sad comparison.” Your love should not feel like a battlefield. In some ways, it really is. So it the relationship with you and your children. It is the same when it comes to your career or your mission in life. They are all wars and we are on the battlefield.
Here is an even more dark thought – we will never win these wars. Why? Because they will never end until we do. Are you working to be the best parent you can be? When do you finish that? Is there one thing you can wake up and do that will make you a great parent for the rest of time? If you are a rockstar parent today, does that mean you can ignore your children the rest of the week? If you are a loving and caring spouse today, but you do not consider your partner’s feelings tomorrow, do you think they will refer to you as the best thing that ever happened to them? I am guessing not. These are all wars. They will never end. I do have great news, however.
The good news is that wars are made up of individual battles. In the case of our quest to be the perfect parent, the only way to win that war is to win the battle of today. Did you love enough? Did you listen enough? Were you understanding or condescending? How about being a perfect spouse? Yes, love is a battlefield. There is winning the battle of support for your partner when the world seems to be beating them down. There is the battle of humbling yourself when you make a mistake. You can really apply this to any area of your life. The war will only be decided when are days are up. In the meantime, all we can do is kick ass on the battlefield. The bad news is you may also lose some battles. You may feel disconnected with your kids. You may have a misunderstanding with your spouse. That is fine. You have not lost the war. In fact, you may have gained valuable knowledge that will allow you to do better in future battles.
When you find yourself feeling a little defeated, remember the quote from the famous Russian tennis player above. You may have lost a battle, but that does not mean you have lost the war. Love, work and life in general is a battlefield. What we must focus on is winning as many of those battles as we can. Even though I was taken aback by the theme of the song, my little lady sounded like an angel singing it!
Last Sunday, Margie, my mother and myself attended an ownership meeting for a food co-op that we belong to. One of the themes that was stressed over and over again was a sense of community. There was mention that co-op owners made up a community of concerned citizens doing their best to help small business. That owners of that owners of that particular co-op represented a community of people concerned about access to healthy and sustainable food. It made me think how many different communities each of us belong to. There are so many.
We belong to religious communities. We belong to political communities. We belong to cultural communities. When we are at the grocery store, we belong to a community that shops at that store. In my 23 years of bartending, I noticed that was the main reason people went to corner bars. It wasn’t the delicious and healthy food served there. It wasn’t even the charming and handsome bartender, despite my attempt at believing otherwise. It was a sense of community. For many of them it was a makeshift family.
Many of our communities try to divide us and become exclusive. The first two examples on my list are really good at that. Instead of falling for that, I ask you to take a different approach. Focus on all of the communities you are a part of. As I write this, I am sitting in a coffee shop. I am part of the community of people that chose to come to this coffee shop today. In this community there are many different races, ages and genders. I would guess there are many different political beliefs as well, You know what though? We are all in this community. After this, I plan to go to the gym. Another community there. Focus on what groups you are part of. Be inclusive instead of exclusive. It would be fun for you to list some of your favorite communities you are a part of.
Have you ever found yourself in the middle of the storms of life? You look around and feel like it is all crashing in around you. I think we have all felt that way at some point in time. It feels overwhelming. Almost impossible at the time. What do you do?
We will start with what you don’t do. You don’t sit still and dwell in your feelings. You can take a second to fully experience them, but don’t live in them. The antidote to the overwhelm in life can be summed up in one word – action. You can look at the quote from Winston Churchill above, or think about this one from Tony Robbins, “Happiness equals progress.”
Many of you might be asking, “What if I don’t know what action to take? I don’t want to take the wrong action. ” There are 2 solutions to this issue. First, any action will help. If it tends not to be beneficial, you will find out sooner by acting than sitting still. Second, the outside world, and maybe somebody that could help, will see youare not a quitter. Knowing you’re the type of person to fight through the storms of life will not only speak to your character, but give you a boost of self-confidence.
Still not sure if you can take action? Here is something that always works. Take action to help someone else. While you are helping someone else with one of their challenges, it may often make your own pale in comparison. Not to mention, the confidence you get helping them you can use on your own problem. In selfish terms, by helping others do you think they will be more likely to help you? Of course they will!
This week, or anytime in life, follow Winston’s advice. If you are going through hell, just keep going!
Here is a thought. We were talking about the positive effects of habits a few posts ago and how important it is to develop positive habits. The same can be said for negative habits. Especially, the habit of quitting.
When I have the opportunity to speak to young people, this is something I stress. Quitting, like success, is a habit. You cannot expect to quit on some things in life and have the fortitude to persevere in others. It just doesn’t work that way. The subconscious mind, our brain, is a slave to habit and repetition.
Think of your own life. Are there any situations that you often quit on? Make sure to work on eradicating as many as you can. The upside is that you will notice the benefits throughout all areas of your life!
Last post we talked about starting the day with a statement of intention. When crafting one that will serve you well, the key is finding something that affects you emotionally. Most people think this has to be serious. Not necessarily. Consider the affects of something that can make you laugh. That is certainly a change of emotional state!
We have all heard the saying, “laughter is the best medicine.” Starting the day with laughter means you are Starting the day with a smile! It also means you are more likely to remember your statement of intention. If you couple that with something empowering, you have a great formula for success. I would love to hear any empowering statements that involve humor that you may use!
Last post we spoke about defeating your demons. Today we are going to talk about a specific demon. That is the demon of negative thinking. Boy is this one a tricky one. I don’t care who you are, it creeps in the mind of everybody. Even the always bubbly coworker who can drive you nuts. On occasion, they have a bad day or a moment of self-doubt. One of the greatest tricks the demon of negative thinking uses is to convince you that having these thoughts in some way makes you a failure. This creates a feedback loop from hell, as author Mark Manson says. You have a negative thought. Then you feel bad about yourself for thinking negative, which makes you feel bad. Then you start to feel bad for feeling bad. On and on the loop can go. That is unless you can stop it!
The million dollar question becomes, “How do we control the habit of negative thinking?” I recommend a 3-step process. That process is – motivation, preparation, and habit. We will quickly tackle these one at a time. They will be expanded on more in my fifth book, Save Yourself. That is not due out until 2025 at the earliest. Being that we want to nip negative thinking in the bud now, let’s dive into our first step of the process – motivation. We need to start the day motivated. If this seems like a next to impossible task, I understand. I wake up for work 6 days a week at 4am. Including Mondays when I DJ until 2am. I understand the challenge of waking up motivated. Another way to state this is to ‘wake up with intent’. Years ago I did a video for my YouTube Channel called “Waking up in neutral” I put the link at the bottom of this post. Ask yourself do you have a written intent you wake up to in the morning? This can be one of the simplest fixes.
Many people picture someone standing on the sidelines yelling and cheering them on when they think of the word ‘motivation’. That isn’t really what the word even means. Motivation means to “have a motive”. First thing in the morning, before the world distracts you, is the best time to set your motive. Actually, embedding it in your mind the night before will allow your subconscious mind to get a jump start on it. I suggest writing out a simple one or two line mantra that will tell your mind the kind of day you are expecting to have. An example might be, “I am going to have a great day. I will learn from every situation in life, even the challenging ones, and I will not let them bring me down.” This is only an example. Write something that is meaningful to you and put it somewhere you will see it. Maybe tape it to the bathroom mirror or by the coffee maker.I suggest saying your intention out loud. Maybe if several times on the morning commute. If you want to take control of your life, it is time to stop waking up on accident and declare your intent for the day.
Now that we have a purpose and intent for our day, it is on to step two. That step, as mentioned above, is preparation. Here is a not so shocking news flash – you are going to have a bad day. You are going to have a day where you feel down. Not so positive there, but it is true. The secret to an amazing life is not to be depressed by this news, but to prepare for it. What does preparing for a bad day or a bout of negative thinking look like? It is creating a list of things that can help you combat the negativity in your life. You may be thinking that you already know things that lift your spirits, and that may be true. When you are in the middle of one of the storms of life, those things may slip from your mind. Having them written down to be able to refer to without thought makes this process easier and more effective. Mine, for example, is going for a walk in nature, watching several of my favorite movies, spending time with certain friends. One of my favorite is listening to music that puts me in a good mood. That is why I recommend creating a ‘Happy Playlist’ in my first two books. Music has a way to rapidly transform our emotional state with just the push of a button. Save a list on your phone, which everyone seems to always have with them. It might not be a bad idea to have a file named ‘happy day’ with a list of the items that can pick you up on there as well. That way you will have the list no matter where you are.
We have set our intention. We are saying it out loud, maybe several times, every morning. We have prepared for the inevitable bad day by creating a list of things that raise our spirits. Maybe even creating a ‘Happy Playlist’ of our own. Now what? That brings us to the third and final habit – habits. Developing habits that serve us is the secret to maintaining a positive life. In my own life, I have a file saved on my phone that is filled with positive affirmations I listen to every morning on the way to work. I have scheduled days that I go to the gym, which helps release endorphins that boost your mood. I make sure to schedule quality time in nature, with friends and of course with my lovely lady. These habits not only reduce the chance of letting life get to me, but unlocking the secret of what to do when it does,
Use this 3-step process in your own life, starting today. We never know when a challenging day, or some negative thinking, will be coming our way. We do know now how we can defeat them and live a more positive life. It is important to remember if we do fall victim to life and feel down, we have not failed. It is a part of life. It may be setting us up for a period of growth. It may be just providing us a chance to practice and strengthen these very practices. Last note, this is an evolving process. You can add to, or change your morning intention. You can add to the list of things that make you happy as you discover new ones. You can tweak and add positive habits as you go along. Life is ever evolving. We should be too.
File this post under “Simple to understand but hard to do”. It is still a great thought worth pondering. Something we all know, but could use a good reminder with. No matter what your demons are, be they small or large, this advice applies. Let us say your demon is sugary foods. It would serve you well to not frequent a bakery or places where such items are served. In your house, do not have bags of candy ready to snack on. Instead have carrots, or maybe celery with a little bit of peanut butter. Whatever your fancy may be. Maybe you are striving to be a little more active? Do not hang around people who live sedentary lives. Try parking your car a little further away from the grocery store.
Let us say that you find yourself in embarrassing or dangerous situations when you consume alcohol. You should seek your entertainment somewhere other than a bar or a club. Yes, that might mean giving up a few friendships, but that might be the cost of vanquishing your demon. If, for example, you have a person who enjoys going out and getting smashed, even if they are a good person, you may have to cut them off. Even the friends who can responsibly consume adult beverages, you will have to explain you cannot be around them when they do. Your demon can use your friends, family and peer pressure to continue to keep you enslaved. Do you want to be a slave to your demons, or do you want to take back control of your life? Rather a rhetorical question, but a poignant one never the less.
Your demons will be tricky. They will be crafty. They will use whatever they can to enslave you. If you want to have an amazing life, and defeat many of your demons, you must first declare you will no longer enjoy their company. It will come with some sacrifices. It will be a long and hard journey. It will be worth it. We only have one life. It is worth fighting for.
Not many things frustrate or surprise me at this stage of my life. One thing that does, however, is adults perpetuate problems by their insistence to participate in them. This often infantile behavior both shocks and perplexes me. If you are in the middle of a bad situation, and you can, step away from it.
I have heard adults say things such as, “After what he said about me, I’m going to tell people things about him!” What?! Is this a childhood classroom? How about you just don’t give them anything bad to say about you? Why even care? I believe in what Frank Sinatra said. “The best revenge is massive success.” Focus on you, your life and making them both amazing. If you are busy doing that, you will have no time to care about what others are saying and doing.
As you saw in the first picture, merely being a part of a bad situation can help it to spread. Think of these situations in your own life. Are there any that you should have stepped away from? Are there any in your life you should step away from now? If you are ever thinking of revenge, remember our friend Frank, and just focus on creating massive success in your own life!
I trust many of you have heard of the butterfly effect. In case you haven’t, it is the idea that a simple action (a butterfly flapping its wings) can have an effect on greater systems (contributing to a typhon). I’m not sure about all of that, but I am sure that our actions create a ripple effect.
I prefer the ‘pebble effect’ when you toss a small pebble into water, the effect is the rings that spread out from the point of impact. That’s how I view the impact of our actions. Whether they be good or bad, our actions have an effect outside of the point of impact. Make someone angry by cutting them off in traffic, they may then drive more aggressive causing an accident down the road. Make someone happy, they may continue to spread the act of kindness to others.
Just like the ripples in the water, the effect of our actions diminish the further from us they get. Throw one pebble into a pond and you would not get much effect. Throw several and you start to disturb the surface of the water. Throw a bucket full and you create a great deal of change.
In our real world example, more pebbles can be accomplished one of two ways. We can commit random acts. If we cut everyone off in traffic, we will create a street of aggressive drivers. We start doing random acts of kindness for all of our coworkers, and the office becomes a lot more pleasant of a place to work.
The other way to create vast amount of change on the surface of the waters of life, is to recruit others to throw some pebbles in with you. I recall when I was in high school, we did a thing called a “river clean up”. It amounted to the entire class pulling garbage out of a nearby river. By the end of the day, the river was a lot cleaner. Certainly, one person picking garbage out of the river would have helped, but the impact would have been less and taken a lot longer.
Again, it is importantto know this works both positively and negatively. Hitler did not work alone and neither did Martin Luther King. They both had people ‘standing on the shore, throwing pebbles’ with them.
The last thing I want to share with you about the ‘pebble effect’ is that it diminishes with time. Just like the ripples from the pebble will eventually fade, so will the effects of our actions. That is why it is important to act with love, compassion and kindness as often as you can. Why not try the “30 days of kindness” chart above?
SECRET 2 AN AMAZING LIFE 